Of course Todd sent me to see Rings. It has the creepy girl with hair that has never even heard of conditioner much less volumizing shampoo that crawls around like a crab with 2 broke legs. The premise is you watch a video tape with this girl on it and seven days later you die. That sounds a little farfetched at first but after watching Ben Affleck in Daredevil killing my own self on the way home did cross my mind.
The movie opens up with a guy on a plane, sweating like a whore in church. He had watched the tape and is five minutes away from his seven days being up. He starts telling his story to the passenger beside him. I’ve sat next to that same guy on a plane several times but I was the one begging for the sweet release of death. As luck would have it a girl in the seat behind him watched the same tape. That’s how you know it’s a movie. In real life I would be in the middle seat between these two clowns!
If I think death is coming for me at a designated time I don’t know about you but 36,000 feet above the ground in a metal tube going 550 mph is the last place I’d be.
When the guy’s possessions are sold at a yard sale a college professor named Gabriel, played by Johnny Galecki, buys his VCR and or course watches the tape stuck inside. Meanwhile high school seniors Holt, played by Alex Roe, and Julia, played by Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz, are preparing for Holt to go off to college. Julia has to stay behind to care for her sick mother. When Alex stops Skyping Julia she does what any high school girl, who is positive she has met her soulmate and they will be together for ever, would do. She drives 500 miles to check on him. Don’t know what happened to her mama. I guess she tossed her a couple of bottles of water and a pack of soda crackers and said “good luck”. Of course Alex watched the tape for extra credit in Professor Gabriel’s class. And now the only way to stay alive is make a copy of the file and get somebody else to watch it. Then that person makes a copy of the file and gets another person to watch it. On and on until I realized I’m not watching a horror movie. Throw in a box of laundry detergent and this is an Amway training film. Get enough people involved and not only do you not die but you reach Founders Triple Diamond level.
The only bright spot in this movie is somehow they managed to get Vincent D’Onofrio. As bad as this movie is, he is awesome and never disappoints.
It’s Rated PG-13 for violence/terror, not much of either one, some minute sexuality and brief drug material. And for the added reason that they need an audience that wasn’t born for the first two.
This movie has been setting on the shelf for 3 years. Just like the VHS tape, the Ring franchise has been delegated to yard sale status.
In honor of the era of the VHS I’m binging back an old friend!
My Score: 1 Zima