Dear fellow men, and more so women, and friends in the blooming scenery between Vienna, Strasshof, Amstetten and Frohnleiten, but also the dreary swamps between Dover and Land´s End and the desolate rest of the galaxy. My special greetings go to the hometown of Mr. Prikopil and Fritzl, Cheerioh Captain Kirk on the USS Enterprise and kiss your hand Ltd. Uhura. Once again I´m broadcasting from my soundproof sauna in my cellar, neither the NSA nor the MI6 can hear me, my wisdom goes exclusively to you, my dearest listeners.
You feel there is something different today? Maybe the new microphone for € 900, with an attached iPhone of my wife? No? Maybe my new hairdo? No, none of that all. Oh, you mean the fact that I am addressing you in the language of Shakespeare, Chaucer, Sir Francis Drake, James Bond, Mr. Bean, Benny Hill and Monty Python? This is a long story and a quite embarrassing one. But as evidently you are bored and are clicking on obsure links or are taking picture of odd QR codes, I will tell you anyways. I am bored as well.
My numerous friends often tell me how smart I am, how handsome, how erudite and above all how multilingual. I have entertained and enlightened my listeners in Viennese, Griass eich de Madln und Seavas de Buam, every now and then in German, und Tschüss, Italian, Ciao Zio, Latin, Ave Caesa,r Russian, Druschba Tovarisch Vladimir Vladimirowitsch, North Corean, Grüss Gott Herr Bundespräsident Fischer. But never ever in English. So these friends are asking me with urge to finally enlighten the billions of Anglo Saxons out in deserts on both sides of the ocean. I am always grateful for suggestions, so I asked myself why indeed I never had. It took me but a moment to come up with a number of alltogether plausible answers why I never had. First of all, my beloved late grandpa had revealed to me on his deathbed that anything that could not be said in Viennese was a lie anyways. Second of all, English sucks, it really sucks and there is scientific proof thereof.
Thirdly, why should I enlighten them, throw my pearls before the swines. You may object that I have lied to you on so many occassions in so many languages, so one more or less would not make a difference. Well so let it be then, let me throw my pearls before you, you swines.
Indeed I am conversing in English every now and then for a number of reasons, sometimes to save the world.
Recently on a highly political, highly intellectual forum on Google+, only proles post on Facebook, I discussed very serious issues, ranging from who should be the next president of the European Commission and why not, to mud wrestling and topless golf.
A distinguished English gentlemen wondered why even distinguished Austrian gentlemen like the Terminator never fully appreciated the philosophical side to cricket.
I tried to give a plausible explanation based on an anecdote of my own, long, moderately interesting, eventful, instructive and at times hilarious life which nevertheless does not appear to interest a pig on Wikipedia. While they have repeatedly erased my biography for lack of public interest, each and every single Pokemon figure has its curriculum vitae posted there. But that is another issue. I am diverting from the subject at hand.
I explained to this distinguished English gentleman:
I'll start to show some marginal interest in cricket, hamster badminton also called Squash, curling, darts, snooker, competitive nose picking once the Brits learn to ski, play proper soccer, to cook, to serve beer at a reasonable temperature.
To generate a minimum of interest in a "sport" in which idle men, in dandyish outfits hang around for days on a meadow and rarely but every now and then try to hit ridiculously small balls with alltogether inadequate tools, they could of course introduce a female league, preferably performing topless, more preferably in inflatable pools filled with mud.
However, one thing I'm missing on the Eurosports channel, is the finals in Bingo, why not from Blackpool. I simply adored these ladies with their pink hair and the teeth in their gin glasses.
I already created a facebook page for my favourite sport
The distinguished British gentleman remarked:
Understand five day cricket and you understand a lot about a certain English attitude. Not flashy like downhill skiers.
So I was compelled to explain to him:
There are quite a few alpine predilections which cause very little comprehension in barbarians drinking lukewarm beer or ale rather than the lukewarm blood of their foes, as we do. Let's strike a deal: You don't try to convince m