I Don't Even Own a Television

I Don't Even Own a Television

United States

This is a podcast about godawful books. Each episode, hosts Jay W. Friedman and Chris Collision sit down with some guests to discuss books that all of them wish they hadn't read. Humor, serious talk, progressive inebriation, who could ask for more?

Episodes

The Girl on the Train  

Ah, the rhythmic clickety-clack of rail travel, the chuggety comforts of trains, the suburban father's hobby! At least that's what we assumed we were going to experience when we took on the recent publishing sensation, Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train.

However, what we discovered was a real Rashomon, a real jigsaw puzzle of multiple perspectives and realities, a real, real set of girls, but gone, daddy, real, real gone. Okay, that wasn't true. This was NOT a book about ladies who ought to be described with any hipster talk; that was a misleading lie and we apologize. Anyway, this semi-successful account of man's inhumanity to women and the toxic effects thereof turns out to be good fodder for us to get off track, even if the book is freighted with stuff that got us steamed (as though it had been engineered for us). We conducted ourselves well, we think, and were stoked to take on this boiler.

Grab your tickets, keep an eye on your luggage, and enjoy the ride. (Honestly, that's good advice for life, not just for listening to this episode.) All aboard!

Recommendations:

Lost Signals Seriously anything, Patricia Highsmith

Music:

"Train in Vain" by The Clash "Jump Around" by House of Pain "Locomotive Breath" by Jethro Tull "Tootsie Roll" by 69 Boyz
NANOWRIMO Special Bonus Episode  

We asked for it and you gave it to us, one fairly brutal paragraph at a time, and now here it is: your friends J. and Clsn reading more than 30 (!) entries for our First Ever National Novel Writing Month contest! No notes could do this one justice, so just slip into your favorite podcast-listening mask and don't forget that you've got that bowl of soup in the microwave, because it is time to hear what the minds of the IDEOTVPOD Community can come up with when asked to write bad paragraphs. This time, we're all winners!

Clockwork Angels  

The time has come, and it won't stand still: after a couple years, we finally go for the big money, put Rush into the limelight, and turn the camera eye to Clockwork Angels by Neil Peart and Kevin J. Anderson. Our first novelization of a concept album -- yes, you read that right -- this fly by night book-like object had us losing it. (Literarily, it's not exactly a high water mark. In fact, each time, it required substantial freewill to turn the page. Even if you're in the mood for something like this book, most of this book isn't working, man. If only we'd had some distant early warning that would have prevented us from making memories about this stupid thing.) Our grand designs to leverage our lifetimes of Rush fandom (one of many of our open secrets) to go on a witch hunt at Rush's expense end up revealing many lessons, and some tears.

Anyway, please enjoy this podcast that we made for you, no strings attached: it's something for nothing. Also please enjoy the two thousand, one hundred twelve hidden Rush references we packed in beneath, between and behind every available cranny and nook. In the end, it's our mission to inspire all of you to force ten of your friends to listen to this episode. But do it gently, with kid gloves, and don't rush things; observe life's mystic rhythms and subdivisions, and remember that getting smarter isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

 

Recommendations:

Blood Red Turns Dollar Green, Paul O'Brien Certain Women

Music:

"Rush" by Big Audio Dynamite "Roll the Bones" by Rush "Meat Grinder" by Madlib "Rush, Rush" by Paula Abdul
Tori Amos: Piece by Piece  

This Halloween, put down your flying broom and pick up the pieces -- Piece by Piece, by Tori Amos and Ann K. Powers! With special guest and Tori Amos expert Lauren Parker, J. and Clsn take a magic carpet ride through a wonderful patchwork tapestry cauldron, bubbling with diversity, myths, magic, big business, the sacred feminine, Robert Plant, the circus, hair metal, football (which is what they call soccer in England, it turns out), and a whole heaping pile of goddesses.

Not your usual rock book, and definitely not the book version of a making-of DVD extra for a long-forgotten album, except exactly, precisely that, Piece by Piece just might rock you -- to sleep! Come: tune your piano; tend your moistest garden; and tour the seething volcano of Piece by Piece with us.

 

Recommendations:

Love Is a Mixtape, Rob Sheffield Emma Ruth Rundle, Marked for Death Violet is the Color of Your Energy, Nadia Bulkin

Music:

"My Piano Horror", a Youtube Video of a Piano Recital "Lush Life" by Stan Getz (with elements of "The Guys Get Shirts") "Witchy Woman" by The Eagels "White Girls" by The Mighty Casey
The Rats  

Stowing away in your earbuds, gnawing at your stores, and leaping from your dark corners at your tender ears, it's James Herbert's The Rats! A verminous return to the kind of bad book that's always the best: the kind where, every couple pages, somebody nearly has sex and absolutely gets eaten by giant rats.

If you ever wanted a book about mutant rats invading the slums of London, then The Rats is for you — and if you didn't, what are you doing listening to IDEOTVPOD, anyway? It's time. Grab your flashlight, pull on your heaviest gloves, and come with J. and Clsn on an exploration of two hundred of the rat-infestedest pages anyone has ever seen. It's time for ... The Rats.

 

 

Recommendations:

Rebecca Solnit, Infinite City: A San Francisco Atlas Helen DeWitt, Lightning Rods

Music:

"Rats in the Cellar" by Aerosmith "Rats" by Clutch "Hot Rails to Hell" by Blue Oyster Cult "Rat Bait" by The Swimming Pool Q's
Forever Pucked  

As voted on by our supporters on the IDEOTVPOD Patreon, this episode we're strapping on our pads and skating around the tough issues posed by Forever Pucked, by Helena Hunting. Ice-cool customer Rachel Millman fleshes out our team as she and J. and Collision try to score on this ribald tale of work, marriage, family, violence, hockey, and raunch. A lot of raunch. More raunch than we've ever confronted (or, in some cases, enjoyed) before.

Yes, this is a novel of romance — hockey romance — with a comedic bent. So, as the nights grow longer harder and the days trend colder, it's time for us all to cozy up to our best, longest, largest hockey sticks and start slapping ... shots.

Extra thanks to great friend of the show A. A. Freeman for bringing this raucous ride to our attention, and it's probably worth noting that this particular episode brings more than a soupçon of naughty from the first second, so, uh ... headphones? Headphones.

Recommendations:

Slap Shot Atlanta The Goon

Music:

"You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate "Pony" by Ginuwine "Detroit" by Rancid "My Game" by Hanson Brothers
Level 26: Dark Origins  

What lurks beneath the bottom of the barrel? Well, we checked. Turns out that beneath the barrel's bottom slithers Anthony Zuiker's Level 26: Dark Origins. This episode, we're sneaking into the villain's dungeon, conveniently located in 2009, when it, apparently, seemed like a good idea to let the guy who made up CSI get together with his buddies and make this exceptionally book-like object, supplemented with zero-budget video clips, high-school-notebook-level drawings, and an attitude towards sex and violence best described as HOLY CRAP THIS IS AWFUL WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

Episode highlights include: A PATENTED DIGRESSION! Clsn failing repeatedly to learn how to pronounce "Zuiker"! A book that includes the description "sick son of a bitch"! Book highlights include: when civilization collapses (next Tuesday), you can probably cook a pigeon over it, if you can catch a pigeon. And start a fire. You know what? Nevermind. Eat a potato instead; much easier to catch than a pigeon.

NOTE: this book is truly bad, and contains a lot of material about violence, including sexual violence. If you are sensitive to material like this, you may want to avoid this episode. (We certainly wish we'd avoided this book.)

 

Recommendations:

Shia Lebeouf in Interview Magazine The White Album, Joan Didion

Music:

"New Level" by A$AP Ferg "Cut Self Not" by Faraquet "Cheesecake Truck" by King Missile Theme from "Law & Order"
Dragons of Autumn Twilight: Dragonlance Chronicles Vol. 1  

As foretold in ancient scrolls, Clsn and J. fulfill the grim prophecies and embark on a quest most dire: get somehow through the dullest book we've seen in ages: Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman's Dragons of Autumn Twilight: DragonLance Chronicles Volume One.

Like listening to somebody misexplain the plot of a movie you've already seen, while pretending the plot is something they made up, getting through this book is a tall dang order, but we made it. And so will you. Brush up on your magic words and get ready to laugh at a book that purports to Chronicle DragonLances, but that actually contains somewhere south of a half-dozen dragons and literally zero actual lances. Grip tightly your ocarina and prepare to raise your voice in the songs of your people (particularly if your people, like our people, are partial to Pony). The roads are dusty, and your leathern saddle is no doubt cracked, but a few ales and some spicèd potatoes will soon have you ready for adventure with your friends.

Our party awaits! Come with us and we guarantee one thing: you're em fail your saving throw against having fun!

 

Recommendations:

"The Door Into Fire" by Diane Duane "Tokyo Vice: An American Reporter on the Police Beat in Japan" by Jake Adelstein

Music:

"Roll the Dice" by PAC DIV "Rumpshaker" by WRECKX-N-EFFECT "Timorous Me" by Ted Leo & the Pharmacists "Scenario" by A Tribe Called Quest
62 - The Da Vinci Code (w/ Lauren O'Neal and Niko Bakulich)  

Renowned author Dan Brown's renowned book The Da Vinci Code provides a renowned topic for renowned podcasters J. W. Friedman and Chris Collision, along with renowned guests Lauren O'Neal and Niko (from renowned podcast Sunday School Dropouts. An extremely popular book yields an extremely long episode, with enough jokes to make anyone enough of a believer to found a secret society devoted to hiding the truth about the show ... or maybe to hiding the truth about the show while pointing out that actually all of popular culture is about the show. It's all a little confused. Anyway, if your Grail is L A F F S, then this episode is for you!

Note: This is an extra-long episode because J. is not feeling well enough to edit it down to a shorter length. But it's very good and you will enjoy every minute, we promise.

Extra credit reading: Geoffrey Pullum's legendary eviscerations of Dan Brown's prose style.

 

 

Recommendations:

National Treasure Name of the Rose, Umberto Eco Complete Stories, Flannery O'Connor

Music:

"The Rose" by Mudhoney "Les Invisibles" by Blue Oyster Cult "Catholic Dress" by Dahli Seed "Holy Grail" by Jay Z
Seven Deadly Sins: Settling the Argument Between Born Bad and Damaged Good  

Prepare yourselves for true depravity, because this time around, we're taking on Corey Taylor, vocalist of Slipknot and Stone Sour, and his book Seven Deadly Sins. Two men alone could never take on such a large number (to say nothing of the seven newly proposed sins or the main one he admits he forgot to add), so J. and Collision welcome back juicy guest Lemon!

We laugh, grimace, yell, and learn as Corey Taylor spools out a deeply failed attempt to be a stand-up comedian (inexplicably in written form) as he attempts to answer the question "What does Corey Taylor think about things" and actually just answers "What would happen if a Hot Topic got hit by magic lightning and turned into a really talkative guy on the bus".

Episode highlights include the most successful Plot in 60 Seconds of all time, J. and Collision slowly succumbing to Bud Lite Lime-A-Rita poisoning, and the amazing contortions required to find high points in this book. Episode lowlights include the prose and ideas of Corey Taylor, a man who would very much like you to know that he has Had Sex. A lot of times, and in all of the ways.

NOTE: if you believe you have heard a word mispronounced on this show, please take it up with your podcatching software, as we have checked and we assure you that everything is correct on our end.

 

Recommendations:

The Boy Looked at Johnny, Julie Burchill and Tony Parsons Our Noise, John Cook Our Band Could Be Your Life, Michael Azerrad

Music:

"They Come in Gold" by Shabazz Palaces "Mandy" by Barry Manilow "You Deserve It" by Future "Whistle While You Work"
War Against the Mafia: The Executioner, Book 1 (Mack Bolan)  

If you like your sex scenes extremely long and your gunplay extremely every single chapter, then you just may be the target audience for Against the Mafia: The Executioner, Book 1, the legendary piece of action-trash that introduced Mack Bolan to an extremely unsuspecting world.

From chapters like "A Master's Stroke" and "God-Damn Iron-Man Bolan" (not kidding) to "The Goof", "Forecast: Warmer Tonight and Tomorrow", and "Execution Hill", J. and Collision dance madly backwards through the raging river of fear that powered the writing of this book, a terrified look at a completely unrecognizable 1969 America, a cringing fantasy of one tall-ass man with lots of long-ass long guns (and knives) standing up for families and righteousness and shooting people who get in your way and banging one whole lot of ladies.

New segments! Bizarre word choices! Some of the mannest manning any book ever manned! Philosophy lectures! Incredibly angry diary entires! EXPLOSIONS AND FUCK YOUR HELICOPTERS! If you ever caught yourself wishing "I wish somebody had written Scruples, but for dudes", step right up.

We do need to mention explicitly: this book is a very aggressive ode to a sniper; it also contains a lot of bizarre speculations about sex work. If that sounds like something you'd have a hard time with (at this point in history, or just at all), we definitely understand and understand if you want to give this episode a pass.

 

Recommendations:

Rosa Lyster, The Best Time I Pretended I Hadn’t Heard of Slavoj Žižek Jensen Karp, Kanye West Owes Me $300: And Other True Stories from a White Rapper Who Almost Made It Big

Music:

"Violent School" by Dead Milkmen "Mayor" by Pharoahe Monch "Sexecutioner" by GWAR "No Way Back" by Adonis
Sass Girls X (w/ K Thor Jensen)  

In the quest for the weirdest and worst artifacts available, J. and Collision welcome K. Thor Jensen to the show to discuss Sass Girls X, by Imari Imarea. You're gonna need a safe, well-padded environment for this, because this book's ridiculous levels are matched only by its levels of terribleness. A failed attempt at bringing the energy and conventions of anime to the page, Sass Girls X is more or less what you'd get if an internet forum came to life and instantly got a bad fever.

This book is an incredible rarity, which is why we're breaking some of our rules to bring it to you. You have NOT read anything like it, and it's unlikely you would ever would have had the ... pleasure of this book's prose, so get ready. Get ready to taste an unholy mix of obscure sexual fetish(es), videogame obsessiveness, slapstick humor, "fuck it" plotting, and more appropriations than Earnest Cline could pull off after an espresso enema. And get ready to update your list of things that have made you say "holy shit", because this is DEFINITELY going on it.

 

Recommendations:

The Bloody Chamber, Angela Carter The Shaggs' Own Thing, The Shaggs

Music:

All music this episode is from the CD "SGX", which comes with this book.
Big Apple Takedown (w/ Kefin Mahon)  

Big fun in this big episode about Big Apple Takedown! Your hosts and exceptional guest Kefin Mahon get in the ring to take on a brief story by Rudy Josephs that reads like the world's least creative marketing executive using some extremely branded action figures slash dolls to reenact a half-remembered and very boring episode of your second-favorite TV show. Taste the thrills that only come with a book whose entire reason to exist is to remind you of things you like! Hear the confused joy of J. and Kefin as they endure the important question "Hey, are the 'characters' in this book actually the ones that are supposed to be there?"! Smell the the baffled despair in Collision's voice as he explores "who the pants are the dolls this 'writer' is playing with, anyways?"!

We may not know why this book exists, but we do know that if it's gonna go ahead and exist, we need to bag on it—hard. And that's exactly what we do. Because that's the I Don't Even Own a Television Pledge. That's what we bring to you, and that's what this dumb book earns. So slip into your tights and get ready to wrangle with a champion-level pile of garbage. NOTE: win or lose, you're gonna need a belt (of strong brown liquor) to deal with this one.

(p.s. "Shimmering Warlock" is J.'s weird wrestling-related rap project so all the bumper music in this episode is made by him and available for free streaming at soundcloud and http://shimmeringwarlock.com)

Recommendations:

Perdido Street Station, China Mieville Have a Nice Day, Mick Foley Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë

Music:

"Wrestling Still Rules" by Satellite High "Work the Angles" by Shimmering Warlock "Machka Udrya" by Shimmering Warlock "Too Flamboyant" by Shimmering Warlock
Money, Pizza, Respect  

Money. Pizza. Respect. Two of these things are probably okay, but all of them will leave a bad taste in your mouth when they come from a "book" by Joshua "The Fat Jew Joke Thief" Ostrovsky. And we sincerely hope that Joshua got none of those things in exchange for cobbling together this somewhat book-like object for whatever hard-to-imagine audience he might once have had.

Yes, this episode, J. and Collision are delving deep into 2014's most second-tier memes, from "saying 'someone drinks rosé' is funny" all the way to "saying 'beef jerky' is funny". Except these memes are packaged with way more offensive epithets, racist commentary, and lazy page-occupying filler than you'd expect. Enjoy J.'s most vibrant anger yet! Snicker at Collision's least convincing high points segment ever! But most of all, sigh at the society that has made a talent-free joke thief like Ostrovsky very nearly successful.

NOTE: we expect that Joshua will respond to this the only way he knows how: by stealing somebody else's ideas. So, when he launches his own podcast about bad books, probably called "I Don't Read I Only Own a Television", with segments like "Dramatic Passage", "What Would They Choose?", and "What Is the Best?", please help us denounce this twerp's thieving ways.

 

Recommendations:

The films of Amy Heckerling. Bee Season, Myla Goldberg

Music:

"Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa "No Scrubs" by TLC "Crazy B*tch" by Buckcherry "Refusing to be a Man" by Propagandhi
Armor  

Wow, what is there to say about John Steakley's Armor? Strap on your favorite defense mechanisms and join J. and Collision as they try to answer this difficult question about a novel that dares to answer the less difficult question "what if Starship Troopers were incredibly stupid and repetitive?". Yes, we take on Armor, the book that should have been called A Constant Reminder of Better Books: The Book. As a read, Armor is a terrible slog that looks you square in the eye and shows you atrocities while growling "war...is heck" before bafflingly pivoting to whimsical wisecracking and brief interludes of rough sex. This read was not the smoothest ride, is what we're saying.Anyway, lots of fun this time around, as we reminisce, we rant, we rave, we riff, we just in general rue the day we read this wretched collection of strenuously brutal action scenes and quarter-baked philosophical musings. Yes, this is one of those books where, when you're struggling to say something nice, you end up saying "there was this literally one joke? that I didn't hate?". Enjoy the proceedings as we wrestle with a book that's not just mediocre ... it's very mediocre. Protective plating and safety eyewear recommended!

NOTE: our first post-Patreon episode, this one features excellent new microphones! Unfortunately, due to the unforeseen obstacles of life, there was some construction going on outside, so there may be a little extra buzzing and banging in the background, over which we had zero control and for which we have all the apologies.

 

Recommendations:

Bible Adventures, Gabe Durham The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, Muriel Spark

Music:

"Turnstile" by Hot Water Music "War Pigs" as performed by Cake "Wargasm" by L7 "Ants in My Pants" by James Brown
List of the Lost  

LISTENER ADVISORY: it is okay to like the Smiths, who were good; it is defensible to like Morrissey, because there's no accounting for tastes; but if you like this book, there is something seriously wrong with your Literature Appreciation Module. This episode, we're taking on an oft-anticipated "novel" by former Smiths frontman and one-time cultural icon Morrissey. It's a slim volume of overwritten truisms and underedited sentences going under the pointless title List of the Lost. Buckle in, friends, because this might be, sentence by sentence, the worst-written book J. and Collision have endured.

Thrill to: more singing than normal! Be amazed by: Collision's vast, weighty knowledge of hip-hop! Slog through: a book whose only reason for existing seems to be that ol' Mozzer isn't convinced you've heard quite enough about animal rights, sexual repression, and the dismal, deleterious effects of ... television news. Collision apologizes for his limpest approach to Plot in 60 yet. J. gets deep into personal, political, and pre-post-hardcore history. We all have a really good laugh at how Morrissey seems to think heterosexual sex acts work.

Also! We are extremely pleased to announce a way for our friends to help us keep this show rocking hard and mocking bad books: we now have a Patreon, and anything you can do to help us out will be much appreciated! No worries: the show is free and it always will be, but there's loads of cool extras available, so if you like the show and want to help us do it faster, harder, better, hit up the page and see what you can do. Thank you all, and we love you!

 

Recommendations:

Diary, Helen DeWitt Big Brave

Music:

"This Charming Man" by Braid "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" by Deftones "There Is a Light" by Ghost Mouse "Girlfriend in a Coma" by El Mariachi Monterey
Hammer of the Gods  

Say what you will about Led Zeppelin and the average rock bio, but this particular rock bio is (a) about Led Zeppelin and (b) full of hot air. Join us as we talk about the granddaddy of all trashy rock books, Stephen Davis' Hammer of the Gods, a bizarre work of fanfic about a mid-tier white blues band and their delightful cast of characters: bassist John Paul Jones, who I don't think we mention one time; brassy penis-having shrieker Robert Plant; drug-addled sex wizard and guitar player Jimmy Page; and "Bonzo", a drummer. It's a book that proves it's hard to soar with the eagles when you're hanging out with complete turkeys, but it manages to crash and burn anyway.

Actually, I quit cocaine this morning," this book doesn't begin. Sadly. But the line is in the book, if that's your sort of thing! So pull yourself into your tightest pants and your flounciest man-blouse, no matter what you'd normally wear, and settle in for a book devoted to the proposition that, somehow, people should have paid more attention to Led Zeppelin. Seriously.

NOTE: the most notorious element of this book is a story about this band and their abuse of women; for your mental health and ours, we do not discuss it in this episode. We're aware of the story, and how horrible it is (even if it was completely fabricated), and didn't feel like airing it. Thanks!

Special bonus show notes!

Hi! Normally Collision writes the episode descriptions, but he's out of town, and I'm up late on the computer, so it's me, ya boy, J. W. Friedman!

Anyway, on this one, we talk about the book "Hammer of the Gods - The Led Zeppelin Saga", which is a very bad rock biography about the band Led Zeppelin, most of which appears to be completely untrue and relatively offensive.

We also talk a lot about Led Zeppelin and I am definitely not making any friends with this one.

Recommendations:

Blood, Sugar, Sex, Dickheads, Julie Farman Sex and Rockets: The Occult World of Jack Parsons, John Carter

Music:

"Come With Me" by Puffy Daddy "I Hate Led Zeppelin" by Screeching Weasel "No One Like You" by Scorpions Theme from "Bonanza"
If They Only Knew  

Spring is sproinging, and that means it's time for your favorite topic and ours: baseball! Scratch that: metaphysics! Written by a baseball player! In this episode, J. and Collision take the field with standout former catcher Darren "Dutch" Daulton and his mega-tome If They Only Knew to learn how to tune our vibrational frequencies to jump! jump! and ASCEND to new dimensions and tiers of consciousness, like the rainbows in the dark we all are. (This book is the first inaugural winner of the IDEOTVPOD Ronnie James Dio Prize for Lyrical Total Coherence.)

A great episode for anybody who wants to know about manifesting in the 4th dimension multi-dimensional universe, warfare in the spiritual realm, their pineal gland, or the human light body — also known as the Mer-Ka-Ba. Prepare to be turbo enlightened; pierce the veil; enjoy a lot of references to movies. (If you want to get a little high and crank up the Music From Hearts of Space, that would probably be a good idea.) We also cover the correct way to say "dudes sex macarena", if that's the kind of thing you're interested in. Play ball!

Recommendations:

S.C.U.M. Manifesto, Valerie Solanas The Invitation (Movie)

Music:

"Lapsed Catholics" by Future of the Left "Age of Aquarius" by Killdozer & Alice Donut "Third Eye" by Big K.R.I.T. "Friendly Game of Baseball" by Main Source
New Game +: The Geek's Guide to Love, Sex, & Dating  

For the show's big, blooming second anniversary, we're getting super-seductive with Harris O'Malley's most book-like object yet, New Game+: The Geek's Guide to Love, Sex, & Dating, with special guest Rachel Millman! Once again we confront a self-help book that falls on the wrong side of the Ice-T Twitter Account Quality Line (ICTTAQL, for short). Seriously: save a couple bucks and just follow Ice: he's got 'way better insights than any guy calling himself "Doctor" "Nerdlove".

In this episode, we — and you — have to deal with advice like "spray vodka on your couch to kill the smells" and "send texts like this to ratchet up the sexual tension: 'Hold on, you just gave me an interesting mental image... Okay, back now.'" That will definitely help your couch and suggest to someone that you're not a fifteen-year-old virgin. This is an episode that is guaranteed to thrill and delight in equal measure, or anyway to teach you what the saddest of our nation's dweebs are trying to do to get laid. Enjoy!

Recommendations:

Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl, Carrie Brownstein I Love Dick, Chris Kraus Great & Secret Show, Clive Barker

Music:

"Sour Grapes" by The Descendents "L.G.B.N.A.F." by Ice-T
Night of the Crabs  

Wilder than Wild Animus. Weirder than Necroscope. Wronger than Scruples. Surging it comes in from the sea off the coast of Wales, so J. and Collision must wade into ... Night of the Crabs! This is not a drill, people, this is a book by Guy N. Smith and it's definitely the best bad book we've gotten our hands on, and there is something (giant crabs invade Wales) here (tons of sex) for everyone (plot holes you could ride a giant crab through)! (Prose you will legit not believe.) (Death scenes all over the place.)

Recommended a long time ago, this book goes sideways almost instantly, and even though your hosts claw away at it, cracking wise as best they can, the whole thing is guaranteed to steam you — or leave you shell-shocked.

Ride the crab.

Recommendations:

City of Saints and Madmen, Jeff VanderMeer Clothes Clothes Clothes, Music Music Music, Boys Boys Boys, Viv Albertine

Music:

"Godzilla" by Blue Őyster Cult "Rock Lobster" by B-52s "Convoy" by C.W. McCall "Crab Rappers" by Nonchalant
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