Zoe Nightingale

Zoe Nightingale

United States

You're Welcome is a satirical improv comedy show that is a hybrid of Howard Stern and Prairie Home Companion. Our goal is to find and share peoples stories, from all over NYC. ABOUT YOU'RE WELCOME Like most brilliant ideas, this show was started over a molotov concoction of alcohol and various illicit substances. Zoe had given up on her life long dream, of being the female Howard Stern years ago but finally set out armed with a folding table, a couple lawn chairs, and a foam board sign that read "Free Sex Advice." One by one strangers stopped what they were doing and sat down to talk to them about their lives. We'd like to take this moment to thank you for coming to our site and leave you with the eternal words of Oscar Wilde: "I was under the impression that inordinate joviality can atone for an entire lack of class" ABOUT ZOE When Zoe's Pre K teacher told her parents that she had best negative leadership qualities she had ever seen in 20 years of teaching," her family knew they were in trouble. After professionally taking up space all over the world for years, traveling extensively throughout South America and Europe, Zoe went to school in Charleston South Carolina, where she stuck bumper stickers like "Bush Lies" "Keep You Laws Off My Body" "It's a Choice Not a Child," on the back of her car and was then shocked when 8 tired super charged red necks hopped up on Mountain Dew would try to kill her. Since she was the sole representative for Yankees and Jews, she probably set both causes back a century. In college she lived with three wonderful European men who introduced her to the electronic music scene. The love of this music caused her to have brief yet passionate love affairs with Paris and Berlin, finally deciding to settle down and marry New York City. For the last 29 years hurricane Zoe has swept through countless countries leaving a cornucopia of chaos and laughter in her wake. She lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn with her mini polar bear cub Singa Nightingale ABOUT JIMMY VALLANCE Half of the incredibly Bob Moses Duo, hailing from the cold snowy tundras of canada. Jimmy mastered the art of recording, wrapping cables and setting up audio equipment from an early age. His knowledge of manipulating and mastering sound can only be matched by his fine taste in whiskey, maple syrup and hockey teams. His ability to edit each episode without shedding a single teardrop has made him an essential part of the "you're welcome" team. https://soundcloud.com/the-bob-moses Check out all their music here


When We Laugh, They Lose - Come Fall in Love With Dr. Bassem Youssef  

What can I even say about this man. He is my hero. A brilliant, soft spoken, gorgeous lightening rod of a man. A man who used his comedic genius to stand up to his government and military and effect real actual change. A man whose beliefs lead him to be exiled from his home, and forced to uproot his life and family to the US. He is perfectly set up to be a uniting force and a white light of knowledge in the US during these incredibly scary times where hate and xenophobia has people frothing at the mouth like rabid racoons. I feel lucky and honored to know call myself his friend and I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for him. Get ready all you ignorant fucks who want to close our borders and brew hatred in a country that was founded to protect our prism of differences. I am ashamed and embarrassed to read the kind of vitriolic hate mongering that's going on. I'm going to get louder, and I'm going to try to counter this shameful hooey with my own blend of story telling with warm hearted, big brained, lovely people of all walks, colors and creeds to combat this fucking nazii minded right wing garbage. I'm ready to fight. Are you?

What do Caitlyn Jenner and Hare Krishna Have In Common?  

Introducing Sundanataidas! (Magic Spelling) Head of some section of the Hare Krishnas, I spent an afternoon with him trying to understand why I should buy an orange pashmina, give myself one of those top knot Los Angeles hair cuts and start dancing around like a Capuchin monkey trying to attract a female. He actually was really wonderful. I assumed immidiately that he had a life like a boon dock saint, and had fled to Krishna for salvation and I WAS RIGHT. Either way, he was so bloody happy. Dancing around doing version of the electric slide with his buddies all dressed in orange Fanta colored clothes, it's really just so much fun. Anyway I learned a lot, mostly that Karmically, I'm in big big trouble, and I need to do some serious critical thinking about what I want my soul's destiny to be. This episode was edited and recorded by Barry Jive, my wonderful accomplice in recording crime.

She's Going to Destroy  Your Clit LIke a Heat Seaking Missle  

Greets and Salutations my friends and enemies alike! Welcome to my new platform, which will allow me, due to small ads, to do this show full time without becoming a freegan who dumpster dives at whole foods, uses a moon cup and takes up ulkelele as a hobby. So hurray for creative freedom, boo for selling out but girls gotta brunch, ya know? So I spent a sun soaked day in Washington Sq Park with my trusty beat up toe up from the flo up free sex advice sign, adjacent to a baby grand piano that sits and waits for wayward musicians to stroke it's keys, and waited for the world to open it's oyster shell and show me it's pearl. Three acts, three wonderful humans discussing a sundry of life's most topical issues, mostly centered around anal sex, as always. LOVE ZOE

Cocaine Blues  

The epic song from this weeks episode! So good, so so so so good. ENJOY!

Coke isn't Addictive!? I Should Know I've Been Using it For Years  

You spend your entire life thinking you are nothing like your parents while simultaneously trying to figure out how it's possible you are a combination of their genes. Then slowly, as you start to pay your own bills, establish your adulthood and form a friendship with them they begin to let down their parental shields and open up a John Malcovitch portal into their brain and you realize, FUCK ME, we are the same. THEN i imagine you spend the rest of your life watching in horror as you slowly become their doppleganger. Maybe the avalanche doesn't really happen until you have your own children and you catch yourself saying things you swore as a youth you would NEVER do..but I must tell you, my parents continue to surprise and shock me even thirty years after I met them. This story, told to me as we were washing the plates after Friday night dinner FLOORED me. I always knew my dad was a bit of a rebel without a cause, but this story takes place in the beginning of the 70's where he was a Lawyer working for a part of the Government was all about ethics and regulations! Makes sense. I got it from my poppa. Good for him. If I god forbid get tricked by my apparent ticking time bomb judas ovaries into having one of those babies everyone keeps raving about, these are the kind of parents I would want to be. This is my main issue with parenthood, the parents all seem to turn into zombie 28 days later hosts for the new lifeforce. I can totally see why creating a mini me and filling it with all the information I felt like my parents never taught me would have some curb appeal. But it turns out being a parent is so darn difficult, just keeping them alive its a gosh darn miracle let alone actually make them cool and socially adjusted with good taste in music and a good heart. I don't know. So anyway never mind my rambling, another testament to how much I love my parents and how much fun it always is to learn new things about who they are and where they came from.

Zoe, What is a Road Head?  

So I've been spending more time with my parents because they are, lets face it, the absolute fucking best ever of all time. I've been struggling to find inspiration in NYC...and kind of moping around which is antithetical to my entire core of who I believe myself to be. So I went home to spend some time with my creators, and remember just how lucky I am to have chosen my amazing mother as a portal into this universe. I have developed a really new fun game where I ask my parents to define dirty words. It's the best. Sometimes I can't tell if they're fucking with me, as if they have their own secret game where they see if they can make me believe that it's possible, plausible or probable that they wouldn't know what road head is. Wouldn't it be amazing if they were drinking wine laughing at MY gullibility when I finally went to bed. Doubtful, but anyway, as I continue to work on the more difficult burning man episodes (next one launches NOV 1) I have some wonderful short family pieces to hopefully make you laugh in the meantime. Sending you SO MUCH LOVE. Zoe

Mom Are You Ready to Go To The Playa Pussy Day Spa....Part 2  

My mother and I continue to fall down the rabbit hole further and further. I woke up Day 1, and found out that my mother and aunt Peggles were already out dancing at District. District is the craziness most bananas day party where various creatures of all shapes sizes and colors crawl out of their make shift homes and get grimy on the dance floor. I show up and where is my family, but at the very top of the three story dance floor, dancing with nekid super cute young men. I mean duh. I got it from my momma i guess. Anyway, in a flash she was off, on her own adventures, and coming back to camp with wild stories of wanton abandon. I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU MOM. Your bravery, openness and willingness to challenge yourself has always given me such pride. May we all learn to conquer our fears and doubt with such grace. I am still very much learning to tackle mine. Music: I feel Free: Cream Editor: audio god David Herman. I LOVE YOU DAVID. This photo was taken at my Bat Mitzvah where I was being a total asshole.

Mom Reacts To Burning Man Episode  

Secret for patreon!

Mom Are You Ready to Get Schtuped....? Part 1  

Question: What happens when you take 5 east coast super jews whose idea of camping includes 4,000 Egyptian sateen blend sheets and a penchant for obsessing over food, logistics, weather and being on time and leave them helpless to fend for themselves in a desert populated with 70,000 insane asylum escapees with only ME as their way finder? MAGIC BABY. I have been plotting for this moment basically my whole life. I have always been different, always been the fly in my families ointment. While they love me, they’ve never really understood what the deviled egg I was ever wearing, saying, doing. My resistance to getting a “real job” my failure to get a masters. My insistence on spending my life traveling like dandelion spore in the wind. While they have always supported me, they have always questioned me, rolled their eyes and muttered old yiddish expressions under their breath whenever I would tell them about my newest adventure business idea or travel plans. We have always been incredibly close, but as the years went by and people moved away, had children, settled down we naturally grew apart. I stayed crazy, they all stayed sane. It’s like the quote in dazed and confused, I get older, they all stay the same age. I needed to ruffle their feathers. To take away their cell phones, their addiction to work and process. I needed them to get lost, be confused, fend for themselves against the elements, let fate take them on a Icarus ride straight to the sun. I needed them to understand the joy I have felt my whole life being free so they in turn could understand me. Everyone I told my plan to for the last five years has shook their head and said you’re crazy. I would never take my family there. Looking back on it, it was absolutely nothing short of brilliant. My mother and I switched places, I got to be her teacher and she my child. After it, have never been so full of love, hope and excitement for my future. I have never felt stronger, or like there is nothing I cannot conquer. This was an exhausting exhilarating rollarcoaster where I faced my past, my present and future fears all at once. Where my family each was torn down and left with a tabla rossa to completely reinvent who they were. I got to watch as my mother went through a sexual revolution that I believe will allow her to find the partner worthy of sharing her amazing life with. No matter who you are and what kind of relationship you have with your family, you can get deeper, you can face your judgements about one another and admit you failures and come into a kind of honesty and acceptance that I didn’t know was possible. To my amazing family, I LOVE YOU. Music: Tradition: from Fiddler on the Roof Do You Wanna Touch ME: Joan Jett This episode was edited by my new AMAZING Audio Alchemist (slave) David Herman he is a fucking bad ass and used to work for Freakonomics can you believe this shit. So expert a higher level of PRO from my usual gutter bargain basement editing. HURRAY

My Lowest Point  

Bonus episode! Just a really silly bonus episode I wasn't going to air, but I had to take a sledgehammer to my first burning man episode I had created and start from scratch due to a combination of my total incompetence and a tired mac book air that gave out on me last night. Anyone wanna donate a computer to the you're welcome team? Fuck. My best friend Ben who came to burning man with me and my family explaining his lowest point. Excuse my cackle laughter, he makes me laugh so much and we had been at the burn for four days and I had been screaming for days and days while inhaling gallons of toxic prehistoric battery acid dust that had destroyed my previous vocal cords. (he's the one in the silly hat) He does bring up a good point however. Where does all this shame come from?

Would Mother Schtuper Be Better?  

Why is it such a bad thing to want to fuck mothers? How is it possible that I still live in a world where I can't call my friends (who I assure you ARE) motherfuckers, on festive party buttons and stickers? How am I supposed to plan bachelor parties and baby showers for my male friends if my freedom of speech is shat upon by this amish minded company? How am I still having conversations like this? We live in a world where a video of too girls pooing into a cup was a cultural revolution. When the deviled egg are the hilarious Christian conservative super prudes going to admit defeat. The battle of good vs evil is over. The devil won. Turn on the news, just watch the Rebublican presidential debates for proof. Let me print my buttons in peace. Sheesh. Editors note. My father thought this was a boring uninspired episode. He may be right. Bear with me. I am getting through all my new material slowly! Music by: Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol

I've Got a Secret, I've Been Hiding, Under my SKIN  

I was invited to record You're Welcome at a Art Gallery opening for a realistic sex exhibit last week but I had taken shelter in the summer air, because the inside of the pop up gallery literally smelled like the inside of an ovary. This was due to the lack of air conditioning in a alphabet city basement that was stuffed to the gills with 100 super quaffed/perfumed fashion week model/actor types all wearing Amish hats. My girlfriend described the smell as "mangey minge" I thought it smelled like the inside of an otter's pocket. I must say it lent a realistic atmosphere to huge paintings of double penetrated v's. ANYWAY as I was cooling off, and I see this wonderful man, who could have been a character in Zoolander, with what I thought was a hilarious fashion Snork Snorkel so obviously I forced him to come share what the deviled egg was going on. Basically he's a super lovely Cyborg who no longer identifies as human, and he's launching a campaign to open the first Cyborg Institute to help others use the same technology to enhance their lives. I don't know whether I'm happy about this or not. I actually can't imagine anything worse than having a device installed in my head that would make me love Times Square. There will be no limit to where this goes once it gets started. I for one am an analog girl living in a digital world. I want less and less technology. But as cars become driverless, computers get put in front of our eyes, porn becomes 3D through oculus rift, sex dolls get heartbeats, google launches balloons to blanket the world with free Wifi...I guess I wave the white flag. Pretty soon i'm going to have to move into a log cabin get a shot gun and start muttering to myself about the good old days when I had to wait hours for Kazaa to download Space Hog. The most exciting porn I when I was young was a gold leafed Kama Sutra book in my parents room. I am scared to have children. I just can't imagine what this stuff is doing to kids brains. Instant access to the entire cess pool of human collective wants and imagination? Get ready everyone, it's all happening, and it's happening FAST. Music credit: Mr. Roboto - STYX One More Robot - Flaming Lips My editor this week was the amazing Samir I found on Fiver. If anyone needs audio editing he is the best!! https://www.fiverr.com/users/sganich Video of him and me at the Show! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cbO53k4fFs Oh and it was produced/recorded by my new cute intern Barry Jive.

You Wouldn't Know Class If It Fucked You in the Ass (With a Swarovski Covered Dildo)  

Good Golly Ms Molly am I in a slump. I've been trying to sort through the 40 hours of tape that I have from burning man. I honestly just keep staring at my computer and then trying to find the one 1/4 bar of xanex I keep for emergencies..But because everything I own is covered in powered battery dust and my brain feels like it's swollen 6 times to big for skull I can't find it. So here I sit, freaking out, lonely, depressed wishing i could crawl back inside my mothers womb and ask god for a refund, and trying to remember all that powerful carpe diem chutzpah I used to have. I promised I would post every Wednesday. I obviously lied. If you want to help me on my path of hiring someone to shift through my raw tape and help me edit this monstrosity of a burning man episode staring one Kathy Jane Klaus (my mother) Please donate to my Patreon Campaign: https://www.patreon.com/zoenightingale?ty=h If i can get a couple thousand people to donate a dollar a month I will be able to do this full time, with an editor and buy new equipment and MAYBE just MAYBE get this shit done on time. At the moment, I am moving about as fast as a sea turtle trying to get up a sand dune and lay 1,000 eggs. So please forgive me, and here's a interview I did with a Swarovski crystal dealer at the AVN porn awards who was set up right next to Hustler, selling brilliantly expensive rubbish to ladies who wouldn't know style/class if it fucked them in ass. I never thought it was funny and the sound quality is garbage, but as I sift through my raw tape I'm going to have to keep pulling old mucky muck out to keep you entertained. AND I promise you that I did my homework and really soon I will have brilliant new pieces for you. PROMISE.

You CAN Jew a Jew  

Whoooo boy! This was a DOOZY. There is no myth worse for me than the engagement ring. Maybe it's because i'm of that age where people actually start to buy them. Did anyone else take the same history lessons as I did? I know i'm sounding like a crazy cat lady but seriously they're beautiful, fine, they are valuable i guess, but i don't like the mentality that traps us all into this boring cycle of commitment, monogamy, cheating because we are monkeys who constantly need to put out genitals on stuff, and then divorce. Anyway my girlfriend and I after Ashley Madison disaster went to go see what was going on in a place where A BILLION DOLLARS A DAY IS BEING EXCHANGED IN EVERY BUILDING. * any relationship mentioned here and is purely make believe. Patreon campaign is up! https://www.patreon.com/zoenightingale?ty=h

No Kind Of Sneech Is the Best on the Beaches  

I have spent my life fighting off Slyvester McMonkey McBeans. Trying to convince me that we can all use material objects and personal appearances to devalue one another. I love this story so so much. I used to make these for my nephews so they wouldn't forget the sound of my voice. As my podcast is late, as always, I thought I would post this old audio book I made for them. It's very silly and I am slightly embarrassed for once to upload this, however I think it's important to remember that we are all, genuinely the same. Our genetics are the same. The only thing that separates us from moneys is like 2.66% of our genetic makeup. We are basically all shit slinging primates fucking and eating and trying to live like every other insect, tree, and fish minding it's own business on this big beautiful planet. Anyway, all the silicone, nose jobs, make up, and money won't make you feel beautiful or important. Selfless acts of loving kindness and altruism is the only way I've found to find real happiness...and fluffy animals...and sometimes orgasms and chocolate, but you get my point.

Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just a Rat In A Cage  

IIntroducing Kai and Plasma, two traveling ladies of the streets who came up to ask me if I could give them money to help replace their boyfriends with rats. I mean, how does one say no to this question? I ended up on a literal rat race around New York City that took two days and brought into sharp focus some interesting questions for me about the morality around animal rights. What I always find to be incredible, is that somehow our worth is locked into home ownership. One of the most vicious capitalistic reinforcements, where if you live on the streets you become invisible and not worthy of compassion. These girls were not drug addicts, they were women who had had difficult upbringings and had become used to a life hopping fright trains, seasonal work (they pick blueberries and weed!)and a revolving roster of men who take advantage of them. Kai, a Native American who left her reservation to find a better life and with brutal trappings of little education on the reservation fell into stripping (her stripper name was Pocahantas, worst) and a transient life. Plasma, a Bosnian immigrant, whose boyfriend had just OD'd on heroin, was looking for an animal companion so she could have a reason to live, and something to look forward to. I had to think a lot about my own morality about my consumption of meat, leather, my obsession over my one sacred pet and then neglect of other forms of animal cruelty. I can't decide if I did the right thing. It felt right. I don't know yet where I get this weird compass about animal rights, what is an OK animal to eat and wear, why I have strong feelings about Fur, but not leather. Why I think it's ok to eat chicken and not veal. Our barometer as humans is so fucked up about what we will and won't take a moral high ground on. As this clearly meth addicted manager of Petco stared at me with total contempt, spikey, yet fuzzy teeth sticking through his upper lip, I despised him. I instantly wanted all the bad things in life to happen to him and only him..which is bananas, because why do I have the right to hate him for standing up for his beliefs no matter if they were held together by duct tape and sheer determination? Either way, Pepe, the skunk colored rat is thriving, and and I'll post photo updates soon. Special thanks to my new editor Katherine Rae Mondo. She is the only reason I have an episode this week. Music: Principles by Benoit and Sergio (who are fucking epic) Manifest Destiny, Jamiroquai

Money For Nothin' and Your Chicks for Free  

I snuck into the Voice Auditions using one of my many fake business cards, and dove head first into the nightmare that is the audition process for a reality T.V show. This was a really hard podcast to do because it was a Philippe Petit style tight rope walk between supporting people's creative dreams, and also feeling the need to be a realistic barometer so perhaps I could shave years of poverty and disappointment off their lives. Everyone reminded me of the kids from the movie Fame..full of hope and ambition, all with completely unrealistic dreams and a future full of uncertainty and rejection. On what planet is being judged by a revolving cast of hasbeens from the 90's a good idea? Christina Agrilera used to wipe cum off her face in her music videos while wearing ass less chaps and a bad weave. MAROON 5? That whiney little bitch is so fucking lucky he isn't some sad sack bar mitzvah singer in Staten Island. I don't know whose dick he sucked to get famous, but it was the right one. Blake who? Usher? Come on. These judges don't give a shit about anything besides adding a tiny bit of flame to their diminishing relevance. Voice is NOT the way to realize your dreams. Why do we all feel like our lives only matter if it's projected onto a screen so millions of people (who have ZERO relevance to your actual life) can judge us instantly and then go back to scratching their balls and eating microwavable dinners? My heart hurts for them all. Lined up like cattle, casting agents checking off little boxes trying to come up with a dynamic formula for a show that hasn't produced not one Kelly Clarkson. NOT ONE! Also, I met NO people of color who made it through. NONE. The only people I met who got through were medium hot mid twenties white girls. I am not joking. I hope one day we shut these programs off. Turn to the people around us, and play charades. We as a collective society are turning into the most boring bunch of lemmings of Orwellian proportions that even the literary masters of the early 20th century couldn't have predicted. TURN OFF YOUR SCREENS. SING IN THE STREETS. Don't let anyone ever tell you you can't pursue your creative dreams. BUT do not be led by the pied piper of talent based reality television. Start a sound cloud page, use free social media tools to spread your music. Make cute, cheap Youtube videos with your friends, let your personality shine. Listen to Field of Dreams, If you build it, they will come.

Express Yourself Don't Repress Yourself  

Greetings Friends! As I piece together my new podcast I thought I would repost an interview I did with Alan Lewis for a podcast called Speak Into This. I was a little grumpy when we did this interview, and it was super late due to his time zone in Australia and I get a little preachy and sanctimonious towards the end. Sorry about that...I have just been so overwhelmed with the state of the world, I keep getting up on these little invisible soap boxes. Apologies in advance. Either way I wish you THE BEST WEEK EVER. Go make out, hold hands, dance in the sun, get lost, get drunk, eat mushrooms and play in the woods, just attack the day. It's an awesome time to be ALIVE. https://soundcloud.com/speak-into-this - Listen to all his stuff here!

You Are The Best Mistake I Ever Made  

Countdown is ON! One more day until I begin to describe myself as "in my early 30's" and start saying things like, " that was a such a great soul cycle class." I wanted to post this episode because as I'm getting older, my girlfriends become more and more vicious about their critical opinions about their bodies and by proxy mine. IT SUCKS. Just because I LOVE carbs, and would rather drink a glass of wine and play charades than spend an hour of my precious time looking like a menopausal hamster sweating on a spinning wheel, whose stuck in time, going actually nowhere at the gym. I HATE THE GYM. Who are these freaks who like being in these places? I always feel like i'm in Gattaca, when I'm on the treadmill (RARE) and everyone is a bunch of mindless robots. Anyway so this last year was BRUTAL. It's possible I gained some weight..give or take 30 pounds. But to be fair my look before could have been described as methtastic. I was really thin, and apparently accordingly to most of my girlfriends, that was the better look for me. Anyway this made me laugh, so on this, the day that my mother went to the hospital and I was born with 30 minutes, I send my love to all of you...I am in a barn in the middle of nowhere with the people I love and I AM SO GRATEFUL. Thank you Kathy Jane for your constant love, devotion, sacrifice and wisdom. Without you I would be literally NOTHING. I LOVE YOU

The Crossroads  

I met this lovely girl on the steps outside Union Square who was holding a sign that said "Homeless, Pregnant, Please Help" so I helped the only way I know how..She is brilliantly funny, resilient and warm. It's a story I've heard many times, religious parents and a daughter who gets into normal teenage trouble, and the lack of acceptance drives them to the streets. This is major issue in the LGBT community as well and it breaks me every time. I just realized I should have used the Bone Thugs and Harmony song she reminded me of for my intro. Dammit. Next time. Their are so many girls standing at this fork, and with a little bit of help and love, they could get right back up on their feet, it's up to us as a society to figure out ways that work to help kids who want to hump each other all day deal with the very real repercussions of their pituitary gland. This was a tough one for me, and a very delicate situation, and I am aware that my approach may ruffle some feathers. But I feel strongly that we need to talk more openly about abortion as a community to help reduce the stigma and shame that is still attached to it. Either way, you will never look at Whole Foods the same way, I promise you. Lastly, I have been a strugglesarus rex with the work/life/passion project thing. However, finally I have something to show for the countless hours of recording i've been doing all over the summer streets. More to come. Thank you all for your words of love and support, it fills my whole body with the energy I need to do this after a long day of work. LOVE Zoe

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