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When I first discovered the Enneagram and found out that I'm a Type 9, I was confused to hear that the dominant emotion that Type 9s struggle with is anger. My first reaction was, "anger? really??" — mainly because I'm usually so concerned with resolving or smoothing over conflict that I don't really feel or express that much anger.
But as it turns out, that disconnection from my anger is actually part of the issue. 👀
In this episode, we’re gonna spend some time talking about how we can actually FEEL our big feelings like anger when they arise, instead of denying or fighting them—so they don’t add up to something bigger down the road that we try to hold inside our bodies like a pressure cooker. First, we'll explore why so many of us resist feeling our feelings, and why it's 100% normal and understandable if that feels true for you. Then we'll shift into why it’s important to feel our feelings, and explore how you can partner with yourself to stay with your feelings and learn from them using a three step framework to help you experience the fullness of them without judgment.
Whether or not you’re an Enneagram 9, there's a good chance if you're here, you relate to this idea of getting so focused on trying to dodge or resolve conflict that you never really slow down long enough to really sit and fully deal with the uncomfortable emotions those situations bring up. And then as it turns out, avoiding conflict and anger doesn’t make those feelings magically go away, or cease to exist; instead, it means those emotions quietly build inside us. And over time, they catch up to us in ways that take a real toll both on our own mental and emotional health AND our relationships.* Much of the content in this episode is rooted in my interpretation of + experience integrating teachings from Varvara Erochina (@bewithvarvara) and her free workshop, Feelings 101.
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So often, there comes a point in the process of letting go of people-pleasing when a special kind of fear kicks in—almost like a quiet identity crisis. It's that moment where a voices deep in the recesses of your brain pipes up with some version of:
“whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute... if I suddenly stop being that person all the time—the kind of person who people know they can always count on, or if I stop being quite as easygoing as I’ve always been, and if I start being more direct, or more honest, or more willing to push back...am I gonna lose that thing that makes me special?”
It’s a really understandable thing to be nervous about!
If you’ve spent your life perfecting the art of nudging other people’s wants + needs to the top of your list of priorities, jumping in to help, and/or keeping other people comfortable, and then being rewarded and praised for how well you’ve learned to do these things... then OF COURSE you might have started to internalize the idea that that’s what makes you special, likable, and even who you are. And if that’s all true, then it makes even more sense that you’d worry things might start to blow up or fall apart if you decide you no longer want to be that person all the time.
If being liked feels like part of your identity and proof of your value, then it makes perfect sense that the thought of not being liked would be terrifying. So in this week's episode, we're gonna unpack that a bit! We'll talk about:
how we see ourselves, why it matters, and how you might shift your relationship with that fear of not being liked—in a meaningful, sustainable way--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/theheartyfig/message -
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Consciously or not, many of us are walking around with a quiet belief that whenever we create friction or interrupt the flow of harmony in our relationships, it's somehow a violation of how we "should" be showing up.
And if that’s the belief you’ve been holding onto, then no wonder you'd feel guilty or like you need to apologize when the time comes to raise your voice or cause a 'disturbance'!
The questions I want us to look at more closely are not only "where does that belief come from?" but also, "how true is it REALLY?"
We’ll explore how this belief about what’s ‘allowed’ in your relationships might be creating unnecessary guilt and stopping you from speaking up more often, AND how you might actually address that obstacle.
First we’ll explore the assumptions a bit more deeply and where they come from. Then we’ll talk about a simple but profound re-frame to help challenge some of those assumptions and put some of these fears and guilt into perspective. And then we’ll put a bow on the whole thing with some actual integration strategies to help you translate a mindset shift into an actual new way of showing up and using your voice in relationships, with less guilt and inner turmoil.--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/theheartyfig/message -
If you recall, 2015 was the year Shonda Rhimes’ book The Year of Yes came out. And at the time, while everyone was all abuzz about it, all I can remember thinking upon seeing that title was, "Man, a year of ‘yes’ sounds EXHAUSTING."
Granted, that perspective had a whole lot to do with the way I moved through the world at the time. I had a long history of knowing how to keep other people happy and comfortable, and saying YES in the spirit of other people’s comfort and happiness. And in my experience, few things tip the scales out of balance faster than when we have a habit of compulsively, unconsciously saying YES and volunteering to take things on when we’d rather not.
We might say 'yes' out of fear, or obligation, or when we don’t mean it for all kinds of reasons. And more often than not, the short-term comfort of saying 'yes' purely to make someone else happy creates longer-term stress, resentment, and missed opportunities.
So, let’s talk about the power of the intentional YES instead of the habitual or the obligatory 'yes'. This episode is broken up into three sections: We'll explore why so many of us say yes to too many things, and/or the wrong things. Then, I’ll share a personal story about how I recently realllllly got to see firsthand the power of saying yes to the RIGHT things. And then we’ll close with some specifics! I’ll share 3 tactical ideas for how you can still be the loving and generous person, friend, partner, colleague you are without just having to go around feeling obligated to say YES all the time.--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/theheartyfig/message -
At a basic level, we all know compromise (and the ability to do it well!) is one of those things you’ll find at the center of any healthy relationship.
There will be times in pretty much any relationship, personal or professional, when someone who's important to you wants or needs something from you that feels uncomfortable—or at least, less than 100% desirable—to give.
Sometimes, asks like these are truly no big deal. But other times, the magnitude or the impact of these asks feels bigger. Itchier. That can be where you might start to feel that sense of resistance or hesitation. And if your M.O. often involves shades of people-pleasing, you might start to doubt yourself and quietly ask all kinds of questions like: "Should I be pushing back here? Or am I overreacting? If I make this into a big deal, will I regret being difficult? Should I just suck it up?"
In today's episode, we're talking all about compromise, and how to find the line that separates healthy compromise from giving too much. We'll cover:
What does healthy compromise mean and look like in practice? Plus, A simple concept to help you find that line for yourself more easily, and finally, 4 really helpful questions to help you gauge when a compromise might be asking too much of you.Prefer to read the article version? Find it here: www.theheartyfig.com/blog/compromise
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Many of us learned at a young age how to keep other people happy and comfortable, mainly because we were rewarded for it — with love, approval, social safety, inclusion, and/or praise. So it makes perfect sense that we'd understand people-pleasing as a way of building connection!
But here's the thing: we need to unpack that. Because upon closer inspection, we can start to understand how people pleasing actually inhibits true connection in so many ways. And one of the biggest giveaways that connection is being inhibited in any relationship is when we start feeling quietly resentful that things feel lopsided.
So, let's talk about where that lopsided feeling comes from, and what to do about it!
At its core, this is a conversation about people pleasing behavior. And if that term makes you bristle or roll your eyes, even if you know deep down that you have some of those tendencies... good news! I'm right there with you, and we're gonna talk about that too.
Why some of our relationships might feel lopsided, where that comes from, and what that has to do with people-pleasing. The ROOT of people pleasing, as a way of better understanding it with compassion for ourselves (instead of pathologizing it!) 3 micro, super doable strategies to consciously start shifting that behavior, and create more balance (and less resentment!) in any relationship
Let's explore how we might start to compassionately understand and unlearn some of those people-pleasing behaviors. We'll take a closer look at:
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Coming in February 2022, Let’s Talk it Through is a podcast about the art and practice of using your voice as a tool for building happier, healthier relationships and deeper self-trust—particularly for folks who’ve struggled with people-pleasing tendencies.
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I’m Michelle, the Communication Coach behind The Hearty Fig. Together we’ll explore how to sidestep common communication pitfalls, build confidence in how you show up for tough conversations on your terms, and start creating the kinds of relationships you want and deserve (including your relationship with yourself). Subscribe and check back for the first episode in February!
