Episodes
-
I have a confession to make. This is a hard week for me. In three days, we will have to 'celebrate' Andy's 20th birthday. I have been thinking all week about what a 20-year-old Andy would be like. Would he have decided on a career path? Would he be dating a special girl? Would he still show some of his inner silliness? I'm sure that instead of me kissing the top of his head, he would be tall enough to kiss the top of mine. I'd like to think we would be headed out to visit him at college this weekend to make his birthday special.
Of course, I will never know the answers to any of these questions, and I feel that deep, excruciating pain once again. I walked upstairs tonight and tried to imagine for a second that I could go back in time and live my old life with my complete family for just one night. I have cried multiple times every day this week. Very few people at work or in my social circle have any idea that I am struggling. As I facilitated my support groups this week, there were moments when I could not even speak. I had trouble driving in traffic yesterday fearing another accident. All in all, I would describe myself as being a 'hot mess'.
This is why this week's guest, Ann, is like a breath of fresh air for me. Each week, before I release a new podcast, I listen to the episode from beginning to end. Ann was the perfect person to listen to this week. She has a caring spirit that flows out of her. She is open to talking about her struggles after losing her amazing son, Josh, but even in her struggles, she is an encouragement to me. After losing Josh, Ann turned to writing to help her in her grief. Her initial posts were written just for her, but more recently, Ann has posted her writings on her blog, annyarrowblog.wordpress.com. The more she writes, the more others reach out to tell her how much she is helping them in their grief.
By listening to Ann tonight, she reminds me that I am loved by God and many others around me. She shows me I do not have to hide or be ashamed of my feelings. I may still be a 'hot mess', but that is OK. Even when broken, we can all offer love and support to each other.
-
What is a miracle? Many people have told today's guest, Freddie, that his son, Randy, was a living miracle. Few would have argued that point. Randy was diagnosed with cancer at 4 1/2 years of age. After conventional chemotherapy and radiation failed to treat his tumor, the family was told that Randy had 6 months to live. They turned to NIH studies, but none of those treatments ever made it out of the stage of clinical trials. His grandfather prayed over him and even instructed Freddie to rub a Bible up and down his spine. Randy was cured by these faith healings again and again. The boy who was never expected to see his 5th birthday saw his 15th and even his 25th birthday. Randy was, without a doubt, a living miracle, until one night, he wasn't.
Randy suffered a seizure and his heart stopped. He died that night and his parents were faced with the harsh reality that Randy was no longer their living miracle. Freddie says that their faith was rocked to its core. They trusted that God would continue protecting Randy, but He didn't. It made no sense and left Freddie with a sense of anger. In fact, Freddie is the first to admit that he continues to struggle with anger at times.
Randy's death, however, does not change the fact that Randy is still a miracle. In fact, after my conversation with Freddie today, my very definition of a miracle has changed. After our recording stopped, Freddie challenged me to think of Andy's life as a miracle as well. I had never thought of Andy as being a miracle. I had always focused on the fact that a miracle didn't happen that night when Andy died. If there had been a miracle, Andy would be alive. Freddie showed me that through this podcast, however, Andy has become just as much of a miracle as Randy is. By listening to Andy's story, people get to know him and feel hope and healing as they suffer their greatest tragedy. In some ways, there can be no bigger miracle than that. Thank you, Freddie, for showing me that even in death, our sons are still miracles, and that in sharing their stories, others can get to know our miracle sons just a little bit.
-
Episodes manquant?
-
When Sandy first contacted me after her son, Blake's death, I never imagined that less than 2 years later she would be sharing his story on the podcast. When Sandy wrote to me, it was only 6 weeks since Blake had died. The pain was palpable throughout her email. Her very last sentence to me read, 'This is the MOST excruciating pain ever!!'
She was filled with anger toward the doctors who failed to diagnose Blake quickly enough and see just how sick he was. Sandy says that she was in a very dark place for over a year. She posted on social media about Blake, finding others to share her pain. She would spend time with Blake's friends on his birthday and other special days, but Sandy stayed in darkness focusing on Blake's death and all that had been lost. In a way, Sandy felt comfortable in the grief. She felt that if she didn't continue to tightly hang on to the grief, she might start to forget Blake. It felt like the best way to honor Blake was to remain in her dark grief.
Amazingly, it was a near-death experience that showed her a new way. Sandy had a long history of diabetes, but after Blake died, she neglected routine doctor's visits and her diabetes went out of control. She was found by a friend unconscious in her home in a coma. She had to be intubated and placed in the ICU with failing organs. Her family was told that Sandy would not survive. Somehow, however, Sandy did survive. Doctors and nurses in the hospital all came to see the 'miracle patient' who should have never lived.
Suddenly, everything changed for Sandy. She realized that for some reason, her life was spared. It was not her time to die. She decided to rededicate her life entirely. Instead of focusing on Blake's death, Sandy worked to focus on his life. She tells his story to anyone who will listen. She talks about his amazing heart and giving nature. She educates others on tissue and organ donation. Sandy decided that for the remainder of her days, she would focus on living in the light and not the darkness. It is not grief that holds her close to Blake. It is her unchanging, amazing love for Blake that continues to keep him close.
-
Last July 4th weekend, I had the honor of going to a very sacred space with two bereaved moms, Dixie, and today's guest and dear friend, Michelle. We retraced the steps that Michele and her family took on that fateful day on July 4th, 2020 when Michelle lost her amazing 19-year-old son, Corban, who drowned in Lake Michigan. From the first steps walking along that trail, I knew that we were doing something very special. I could feel Corban, Parker, and Andy. I could feel God walking along beside us.
In the first years after Andy died, whenever we dove past the accident site where Andy died, I would feel sick to my stomach. That has never been a struggle for Michelle, however. Perhaps it is due to the beauty of the sand dunes or perhaps the sparkle of Lake Michigan in the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore area. Whatever the reason may be, this spot has been dubbed by Michelle as 'Corban's Spot' for she feels his presence close whenever she is there. For me, Corban's Spot feels holier than any cathedral.
Three years ago this week, God gave Michelle another gift at Corban's Spot. She went up to be with Corban for her birthday weekend. While there, she noticed a new large piece of driftwood had washed ashore. Michelle had always looked for hearts in nature to help remind her of Corban, but on this day, God gave Michelle a piece of driftwood that looked to have a cutout heart in the center. Over the last three years, the appearance of the driftwood has changed, but it has remained as an ever-present reminder of her love for Corban. It even inspired Michelle to write a poem.
~Driftwood Heart~
A grieving mother’s heart,
A piece of driftwood on the beach.
Pieces missing, not complete;
Changed but the same.
Rough edges, smoothed by the elements.
Ever changing, never what was.
Created by God, changed by the world.
Searching for a new purpose.
How to fit into this place?
A changed heart, a different world.
A piece of driftwood, looking for its place.
A piece of driftwood, tragically beautiful.Thank you, Michelle, for helping us see the beauty in tragedy. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and all around you.
-
Recently, Gwen and I have been starting to struggle to find new topics to discuss on our Livestream episodes. Eric suggested doing an episode about how bereaved people can feel like life is out of control, especially early in grief. After Andy died, I felt like our whole world was spinning out of control. Life was suddenly going really fast and I just wanted things to slow down. The world was no longer a safe place for my family, and everything suddenly felt so scary.
As the podcast episode started this week, however, I asked Eric why he picked this topic. His answer completely surprised me. Eric recently listened to a podcast that had nothing to do with grief. In fact, this is a podcast that normally discusses economics. During the episode, the podcaster made a statement that struck Eric. He said, "You can control absolutely nothing, but you influence everything."
What a statement. That truly changes everything when you think about it. I thought that I had control of my life and my family before the accident, and lost it, but when I think about it, I never really had control in the first place. In some ways, that statement is really scary. We like to think we are in control. We like to think if we prepare enough, nothing bad will happen, but we all know that isn't true. Ultimately, we do not have control, but instead of being a scary thought, it can be freeing instead.
The key is the end of the sentence - we influence everything. Everything that we do in life, every decision that we make, influences what comes afterward. I have often told parents on the podcast who are feeling guilt related to their child's death that they did everything that they could with the information that they had at the time. They worked to influence their child's life positively, but ultimately, they did not have full control. The same can be said for decisions we make now in our grief. Don't work to gain control back because we can't get it anyway. We instead need to work to positively influence others in life, small step by small step, each and every day. This may help make tomorrow a little better than today.
-
We as grieving people often feel as if we are being judged by others. If I laugh or smile, will people think I am 'over' Andy's death? Will they think I don't care or think about him anymore? If people see me sad and crying, will they think that I should be doing better? Will they judge me and think that I should be able to keep my emotions in check?
However, as much as we fear judgment from other people often we are the ones who are our biggest critics. We feel guilty if we laugh and smile. We feel shame when the tears come and emotions get out of control. When today's guest, Aleasha, talks about her early grief journey after losing her son, Jake, to a rare neurodegenerative disease called Sialic Acid Storage Disease. She says that she assumed that others were judging her in her grief. She felt that they were uncomfortable around her so she shut down and pulled away.
Aleasha shared with her therapist that she was disappointed that more people were not 'there for her' in her grief. Recently, Aleasha had the realization that others did try to walk alongside her, but she pushed them away. She felt like they weren't saying the right thing or doing the right thing, but it didn't matter what her friends said or did because it was never going to be enough. Aleasha wanted to have Jake back and obviously, no one could give her that.
This epiphany has changed Aleasha's outlook completely. It gives us an amazing lesson as well. We need to give grace and not judge ourselves when emotions come. We can feel joy, sorrow, anger, guilt, relief, and a thousand other emotions at the same time. Feeling these emotions is a part of the grief journey and they do not indicate where we are on that journey. We also learn not to project our feelings of judgment onto others. We should not presume to know what others are thinking. Our family and friends love us and want to be there for us. Their first instinct is not to judge. We need to let them show their love and see our true emotions and not be scared of what others might think.
-
When Susan's 19-year-old son, Chad, died in September 2020 during the pandemic, it was an extremely isolating time, but she and her family were also completely exposed. Chad was a healthy, young athlete who died from an extremely rare neurological disease called Weston-Hurst syndrome. This horrific disease is rapidly progressive and most often fatal as it attacks the central nervous system. Its specific cause remains unknown, but it is triggered by a viral infection. In this case, Chad contracted COVID while at college. Now, this family was not only mourning the death of their beloved son, but they also had to deal with the fact that their son's death was a news story. If you Google Chad's full name, you will find multiple national news articles. In Time magazine, Chad became the face of North Carolina when they had an article about 'The Fifty Faces of COVID' which highlighted a person from each state who had died of COVID or its complications. You might think that this publicity would have brought Susan love and support from others, but that was far from the case. As Susan mourned her son, others would talk to her about mask mandates. How would anyone find this comforting? Susan found herself turning inward to her family and isolating herself even more. Fortunately, the tremendous love between Susan and her husband has helped them work through the pain, but it is heartbreaking that others have not been there for them. When Susan wrote to me about sharing Chad's story, she said she wanted me to think about if I really wanted to have her on because Chad had COVID. Susan wrote, 'If it is too much of a hot topic, I understand.' I assured her that her son's death was not something to be avoided. There are not some stories that are ok to tell and others that are not. These are the stories of our precious children and the manners of their deaths do not change anything. Chad was a smart, amazing kid who always had a basketball in his hand. He was the best friend to many young people and every member of his immediate family. That is the story of Chad that everyone should know and one we are honored to tell.
-
From the first minutes of listening to this week's podcast, you will feel an overwhelming sense of caring and compassion. While in middle school, Marisol's son, Daniel, went on a church trip to Niagra Falls and fell in love. Now, you might think that he fell in love with the beautiful waterfall, but it was the people who impacted Daniel. He saw that beyond tourism, there were people who were truly in need. Daniel felt a strong desire to help.
While in high school, Daniel knew he wanted to leave his home state of Maryland and move to western New York to become a doctor. He found a program at Canisius College that offered a program for college and early acceptance to medical school. He was thriving in school until tragedy hit. Daniel was found to have a large cancerous mass in his chest. As soon as Marisol and her husband got off the plane and arrived at that hospital in Buffalo, they were welcomed. They were offered food as well as places to stay. They even had someone offer his apartment for a shower. The caring people of Buffalo simply blew them away.
After his diagnosis, Daniel decided to stay and undergo treatment in his new western New York community. He told his family that he wanted to stay there because someday these same doctors would be his teachers in medical school. The care from these people was unlike anything Marisol ever experienced. They never left their side. After Daniel died, Canisius College planned a mass for Daniel. Marisol was asked by the priest, "How many people do you think will come?" Marisol quickly answered, "No more than twenty." Marisol again underestimated this loving community. The church was packed with hundreds of people.
I was so struck by the tremendous love and compassion in Marisol's voice as I spoke with her. She said that she wanted to do this episode to honor not only Daniel, but also the people of Canisius College, Roswell Cancer Center, and all of the people of Buffalo, New York. I am sure that if you asked each one of those people about what they did, however, they would be quick to point back to the amazing loving spirit of young Daniel himself.
-
Today's guest, Carrie, and her husband Ben attended their first retreat for bereaved parents only two months after their toddler, Luella, died from bacterial pneumonia. They drove 10 hours from their home in central Illinois to Faith's Lodge in northern Wisconsin. Carrie said that it was the first time they had felt seen and held since Luella had died. The support they received was amazing and on that 10-hour drive home, Carrie and Ben decided they wanted to make their own retreats locally for people in their community. Their home was a large, beautiful cabin on 10 acres surrounded by trails and nature. Carrie said that she was immediately ready to give up this space as their family home and instead create a haven for bereaved parents. That was in November of 2018. They were ready to start hosting retreats in 2020, but the pandemic forced them to do their first groups virtually. By 2022, however, their dream had become a reality and they began hosting retreats at Luella's Lodge. As I talked with Carrie, I was struck by the significance of all of this happening in their family home. When they originally moved in, Ben and Carrie planned for this to be their forever home. It would be filled with children and laughter. They have happy memories of walking along trails with young Luella, watching her wave to neighboring cows. After Luella died, however, that same home would feel big and empty. Memories of Luella were everywhere, but sorrow, not joy, would be the overwhelming emotion. The birth of Luella's Lodge, however, changed everything. Certainly, there are still tears in this building, but they are tears of both sorrow and healing. Laughter has returned to this space, and people feel free to be their authentic selves while they are here. Bereaved parents find support here. They find hope and healing. They meet others here who will become their lifelong friends. That's why I am so excited to partner with Carrie to co-host an upcoming retreat sometime in the fall of this year. I cannot wait to experience the sacred space of Luella's Lodge myself and hope many will join me.
-
Rituals. Different cultures have rituals for various life events. There are beautiful, lavish rituals associated with marriage and births. In Latin American culture, a girl's 15th birthday, her quinceañera, is celebrated as her social debut as a young woman. Rituals abound in many aspects of life, but some of the most powerful rituals are those surrounding death.
I have heard many stories of funerals and celebrations of life after the deaths of children all over the world. Some are small and private and others are big and public. We do what feels right to us in the moment following our culture. For our family, we had a funeral only 5 days after Andy's death. I wanted a funeral service that honored Andy, one that showed what an amazing kid he was. I wanted it to be full of music which was such a huge part of Andy's life, and (in a request only Andy would understand) if there was going to be cake, it needed to be lemon.
Today's guest, Geeti, has experienced some amazing rituals after her son's death. Geeti's son, Ruben, was truly a global citizen, identifying with many cultures in his 21 years. He was born to a Swedish mother and lived his first 8 years in New Zealand before the family moved to Australia. After he was killed just over two years ago in a motorbike accident, Ruben's friends all came and surrounded the family with rituals.
He had friends of the New Zealand native Māori culture who showed their cultural norms. The family took Ruben's body home, danced in the rain, tore their clothes, and cried out in lament. They covered a cardboard coffin in artwork, placed his body there, and took him to the beach before he went to the crematorium. A few months later, to honor Ruben's 22nd birthday, Ruben's family and friends went out to the Australian bush and performed amazing rituals in Ruben's memory according to the native Australian culture. (You will find the story of the white feather especially powerful.) Even more recently, the family went back to Geeti's native Sweden and had a gathering to honor Ruben there as well. Each one of these ceremonies has brought Geeti just a little bit of peace and shows us just how healing rituals can be.
-
As the new year began, I was asked a question. 'What is your goal for the podcast this year?' I thought for a minute and then answered, 'I want to help create more of a community of grievers.' I know that many people tune in to listen to me each week, but I want more than that. I want people to feel that they are an essential part of the Always Andy's Mom community. I want people to feel less alone in their grief. On this week's Livestream podcast, Gwen and I discuss the blessings of finding a community of grievers to support you during grief.
We posed questions to listeners to think about before tuning in this week. How did you find your community? How does your community of grievers help you? What do you look for in a grieving community? I love the responses that listeners gave. Some people turned to family. Others found other grieving parents in their local communities. It actually surprised me just how many people listed that this podcast helped them feel a sense of community. (It gave me a little encouragement that perhaps I am already doing a little better in this area than I previously thought.) There was some sadness in the responses as well. Some felt as if they were not part of a grieving community at all.
Grieving the loss of your child, no matter what the age or circumstances, is an extremely isolating and horrible experience. I have learned over these last 5 years, however, that when I surround myself with a loving community of other grieving parents, I feel less isolated and that makes the journey a little less horrible as well. My hope for this podcast episode is that you can feel encouraged that there is a community out there for you. You may not have found it yet, but it is there. There are loving people whose calling is to support the bereaved. If you can't find anything in your local community, know that you can start right here with me on the Always Andy's Mom podcast (andysmom.com) or with Gwen (grief-guide.com). Let us give you the love and support you need and deserve.
-
Grief first entered Danielle's life when her dad was killed in a car accident when she was home from college for Easter. She had never experienced grief and said she felt paralyzed. Danielle went on and met and married her husband. When they decided to start a family, grief entered Danielle's life again when she suffered numerous miscarriages. She said it was a horrible and tumultuous time, but then Danielle and her husband had their daughter, Emily, followed 15 months later by their son, Blake.
Grief seemed to have retreated for Danielle until Blake was 17 months old. Danielle remembers holding Blake as she was about to lay him down for his nap. She looked at herself in the mirror and thought, 'I am the luckiest mom in the world.' She laid Blake down for his nap and he never woke up. His heart simply stopped beating. His cause of death was listed as Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. This time, the grief did not just feel paralyzing. It felt like the grief broke her completely, but Danielle did what she had always done and kept going. She was pregnant with her third child by then and even went on to have a fourth.
Then, four years after Blake's death, something happened. Danielle realized that even though all of her adult life had been spent in grief, she did not really know how to grieve. She had never mourned her dad, her lost babies, or even Blake. She had tried to tuck the grief away and live with the pain in isolation, but she then realized that she had to actively experience the grief. She had to learn to love herself again.
It was then that Danielle started journaling. Although difficult at first, Danielle began using journal prompts and eventually grew comfortable pouring her feelings out on paper. She sought out others on social media who had lost children so they could help support each other. She learned how precious it is to grieve with others in community. Now, eight years after Blake's death, Danielle has written her own grief journal, entitled, 'Gratitude Through Grief' (available on Amazon), and works to bring grieving parents together through her Instagram account @danielleduffeyy.
*Be sure to tune into this week's upcoming Livestream on Facebook and Instagram as Gwen and I discuss the importance of community in grief. Write to me about how you found your community of grievers and how they have helped you along your grief journey at [email protected] or on social media.
-
As you know, I primarily speak with bereaved parents on this podcast, but occasionally, a story touches me and I feel nudged to share it with you. This is most certainly the case with today's guest, Regina. My regular listeners will also notice that this week's podcast is titled differently than others. We do not list by name the sibling that Regina lost because Regina actually lost FOUR siblings at four different times, two as infants and two as young adults. She lived the grief and watched her parents grieve four different times.
Regina had been listening to the podcast for quite some time before deciding to write. She ultimately decided to share her family's story on the podcast to honor her sweet parents as well as her sister and three brothers. Their family's grief journey started just before Regina's 6th birthday and has continued for almost 50 years. She says that the grief has shaped her family. As horrific as the grief has been, Regina also knows that they have a deeper love for each other after having lived through this pain together.
You might guess that this is a podcast episode that is filled with sadness, but that would not be the case. This is an episode filled with hope and love. It is a story of a family who faced obstacle after obstacle and kept showing resilience even as more and more spaces filled in the family cemetery plot. As Regina's mom was in the final days of her life at the age of 81 this past year, she kept folding and refolding a towel, holding it close to her face. She murmured something that Regina could not hear until she drew close. Her mom was saying, "Mommy's here" over and over again. Regina knew that in her last days, her bereaved mama was again holding her lost children. Now, she is buried with her husband and four of her twelve beloved children, and Regina is comforted with the knowledge that although her parents no longer live with her here on this earth, they are with her four siblings for eternity.
***Also, listen for the most amazing moment in the history of this podcast near the end! I promise it will bring happy tears to your eyes.
-
When Melissa's youngest daughter, Chelsea, died of an accidental prescription drug overdose, Melissa was devastated. In an instant, her baby was gone and she did not know what to do with her life. She had never faced anything like this and felt overwhelmed. Then, only a week after Chelsea died, Melissa became the full-time caretaker of her younger brother in the end stages of liver failure.
I wondered what was going through her family's mind when Melissa took her brother in. What came to my mind was the phrase, 'time heals all wounds.' I think that Melissa and her family thought that it would be likely good for her to keep busy. Caring for her brother full-time would do just that. By keeping busy, time would go by, and Melissa would miss Chelsea less and less. Given enough time, Melissa would simply heal.
Unfortunately, that was completely wrong. Time did not heal Melissa at all. In fact, 3 1/2 years after Chelsea's death, Melissa found herself in her doctor's office explaining that she thought she was worse in her grief now than she had ever been in the early days. She ignored her grief and stuffed it in a box, and instead of shrinking in size, it had grown.
The phrase, 'time heals all wounds' is one that has irritated me over these last 5 years so I decided to look up the origin of this much-hated phrase. It turns out, however, that I (and most other people) have been misinterpreting it completely. I thought that the saying meant that "only time is needed to heal wounds" which is, of course, completely untrue. Melissa experienced this first-hand. What is meant by 'time heals all wounds' is that 'it takes time for all wounds, mental or physical, to heal and it is important to remember that recovery is a process.'
I have spent years complaining about the use of this phrase, when, in fact, I just had the wrong definition. Time is not the only thing needed to heal wounds. Hard work brings healing. A supportive community brings healing. Therapy and spirituality bring healing. There is no quick fix to grief. It is a long, painful journey. Many things are required to heal, but time is one thing that is a necessity.
-
As parents, it is natural to want to know what our kids are experiencing. That is probably why at the beginning of every new school year, schools will have an open house where the parents can go to their child's classrooms, meet the teachers, and see where their child will be spending each day. I know the open house is an event that I look forward to each year and have never missed.
That is one of the many horrible things about Andy dying. I no longer 'know' where Andy is. In my heart, I know he is in heaven, but what is heaven really like? Can he see us? Does he want to see us? Is time the same or different? I have to admit that I truly do not know. I was not given a chance to visit like I could visit his school classroom in years past or even like I could visit my daughter's college dorm. Sometimes, though, I allow myself to imagine what it might be like, and in today's interview with Tootie, we imagined together just what our boys might be doing.
To take a step back, Tootie's son, Kole, was an amazing kid growing up, never really giving her any trouble. As an only child of divorced parents, he adjusted well and truly lived life to the fullest each day. Tootie says that Kole never met a stranger and was always ready for the next event or celebration. Everyone just loved Kole and gravitated to his positive outlook on life. It was crushing to Tootie and so many others, when 21-year-old Kole was suddenly killed in a car accident.
As we talked, I told Tootie, that I could imagine Andy running through heaven shouting, 'Kole, Kole, Kole, Kole! Come quick! I'm so excited! My mom is going to talk to your mama! It's going to be great! Come, let's listen together!' Tootie said, that in typical Kole fashion, he would be eager to come along with this younger teen and not miss out on the excitement. We could both imagine their big grins smiling down as they watched us share.
Admittedly, I really don't know if heaven is like that or not, but it sure is amazing to imagine that it might be. Even more, it warms my grieving heart to think of Andy running through heaven each week, excitedly bringing others like Kole to listen.
-
When you go to Karla's website, karlahelbert.com, you will see these words - 'We all need a little help sometimes. You are not alone.' You might look and think, "Karla, I need more than a little help. My child died. I am a mess." However, Karla understands. Karla knows the mess because she lives the mess. Karla has lived with grief every day for almost 18 years when her son, Theo, died at 9 months from a brain tumor.
You may notice this interview is longer than most. I honestly think I could have talked to Karla for 3 hours and not even batted an eye. Her outlook is refreshingly honest, and talking to her just made me feel better about my grief and life. When talking to Karla about her journey, she openly says that for the first three years, she would find herself on the floor crying every single day. She said that she would think, "How is this not killing me?" And then, after no more tears would come, she would get up. "It's amazing," Karla says, "that somehow we do not die from the grief."
I have to say I've never really thought of grief like that, but Karla is right. It is 'amazing' that it does not kill us. In those first days, months, and even years of grief, I often felt like the pain was too much to bear. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I thought to myself, 'I can't do this anymore.' Then, somehow, I would get through another day, then another month, and eventually, another year. It is amazing.
If you keep yourself open, even more amazing things can happen as well. After Theo died, Karla never would have guessed what she would become. Karla went back to her job counseling kids with autism at school, but small opportunities kept coming and ever so slowly her life changed to what it is today. Now, Karla is a therapist working almost exclusively with people who have experienced traumatic grief, has published multiple books, and even has a new virtual workshop for bereaved parents starting next week. Amazing.
Thank you, Karla, for all you do and for reminding me that a little help can make us feel less alone on this excruciating, messy, but nonetheless amazing, grief journey.
-
When I saw that December 28th was a podcast release day, I immediately thought of my mom and of the 'Be Still' tattoo that I got last year in honor of Andy on the anniversary of my mom's death. I knew that I wanted to do a Livestream the week between Christmas and New Year's as I usually do, but I worried about the logistics as we were going to be traveling and would be in Florida at the condo of my in-laws.
This combination of circumstances got me thinking. What about doing an episode honoring my tattoo and our trip to Florida? Over the past 5 years, I have seen so many beautiful, meaningful tattoos on parents. What if I allowed listeners to tell the stories behind their tattoos and send in pictures? What about letting them talk about trips they have taken in memory of their children? What about adding a third 'T' to the podcast and bringing in 'toys' or items that we have to honor our children as well? For me, my 'Be Still' bracelets have become an important part of my grief journey by helping me spread hope and healing to others. What 'toys' have brought healing to others?
So that is exactly what we did in our Tattoos, Trips, and Toys Livestream. If you normally just listen to the podcast, you may want to change things up a bit and watch the video on the Always Andy's Mom pages on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube so you can see the pictures of tattoos. You can also look at recent posts on social media to see some amazing pictures and stories from listeners.
The true takeaway from this episode, however, is not just about cool pictures. It is about the importance of taking care of yourself. It is hard to focus on self-care during grief, but it is key to healing. That does not mean that everyone needs to run out and get a tattoo, take a long trip, or buy a new truck, but if getting a tattoo brings you a bit of comfort in your grief, do it. If a walk along the beach gives you a moment of peace, take that walk. And if handing out bracelets makes me think of Andy and helps remind someone else to 'Be Still,' I will continue to do it as well.
.
-
For those unfamiliar with the popular Christian poem, 'Footprints,' it relates the story of a person who is at the end of life. They are looking back through their entire life's journey as a walk along a beach. Most of the time, there are two sets of footprints in the sand. The first are their footprints and the second represents the footprints of God. This person notices that when they are going through their deepest struggles there is only one set of footprints. The person questions God, 'Why when I needed you most, would you leave me?' God then answers, 'My precious, precious child. I love you and would never leave you. During those times of trial and suffering, it was then that I carried you.'
Today's guest, Lavinia, started dating Manny's dad when she was 17 and he was 20. The first gift that he gave her was a plaque of the 'Footprints' poem. At the time, it may have seemed like an odd gift, but honestly, it was perfect. In their marriage, they had many times when there was only 'one set of footprints' and God carried them. At the age of 3, young Manny was diagnosed with leukemia. His treatment was filled with complication after complication. Even after he was cancer-free, Manny suffered cognitive struggles from the treatments. Right around the time of his 15th birthday, the family was dealt another blow when Manny was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
Lavinia learned then that Manny, too, had a relationship with God that allowed him to be carried through his struggles. In October 2020, Manny said in a very matter-of-fact manner, "Mom, I asked God for more time." What strikes me here is that Manny did not beg God to cure him. He did not bargain with God to make some deal. It is almost like as Manny was being carried by God, he leaned in and whispered, 'Hey, can I have a little more time?' Manny almost seemed a bit excited when he shared that with his mom because he already knew God's answer. God gave him 4 more months, enough for one last Christmas with his family - just a little more time. Even now, as Lavinia lives in her pain after Manny's death, it comforts her to know that Manny had that kind of relationship with God and that she too, can be carried by the same arms that carried Manny.
-
Legacy is defined as the long-lasting impact of particular events or actions taking place in the past or in a person’s life. I have been thinking a lot about that word recently. On December 5th, we had the first Andy Larson Memorial Concert. Our featured artist, Will Liverman, along with his accompanist, Jonathan King, gave us an amazing night that will never be forgotten. A tradition has been started that will honor not only Andy's legacy but that of so many children whose lives were cut short.
Today's guest, Jackie, thinks a lot about her family's legacy as well. Before she was born, her family suffered from epilepsy. Although many members of Jackie's family had seizures, no one had ever died from them and I doubt Jackie even thought that was possible until the day she lost her oldest son, Jimmy. She worried then, that the doctors were missing something and that Chrissy might die as well. 3 years later, Chrissy did die, only 8 months after giving birth to her second daughter.
In a sad twist of fate, 10 months after Chrissy died, Jackie's 75-year-old mother was rushed into the ICU with a heart condition. Doctors explained to Jackie and her family that her mother had long QT syndrome, an electrical abnormality in the heart that can result in fainting, drowning, seizures, or sudden death. A light bulb went off in Jackie's head. Jimmy and Chrissy died from long QT syndrome, not epilepsy. Every member of Jackie's family who had seizures had long QT syndrome as their cause. The discovery was too late for Jimmy and Chrissy, but it has saved so many others in the family.
After losing both of her children, Jackie knew that she was now living her life for all three of them. She needed to help create their legacy. Over the past 20 years, Jackie has done just that. She works on the podcasts 'Bereaved, but Still Me' and 'Heart to Heart with Anna' and hopes to start her own podcast about long QT syndrome over the next few months spreading education and awareness of this treatable condition. Jackie wants her family's legacy to help prevent others from experiencing her grief and pain.
-
When David's son, Nick, was 7 years old, he was having struggles in school causing him to have self-doubt. One night, Nick asked, "Dad, Is there something wrong with me?" Before David laid him down to sleep, David told him, "You're the best 7-year-old boy in the whole wide world, and your daddy loves you." The next morning and every morning afterward before he went to work, David would go into Nick's room and repeat this phrase. Each year the number would go up by one, but the every morning tradition did not change.
That is, that number did not change until January 2011 because that is when 13-year-old Nick died in an accident at home. Since 2011, the phrase has been the same - 'Nick, you are the best 13-year-old boy in the whole world, and your daddy loves you. Now, however, David does not go into David's room in the morning and kiss the top of his head as he says these familiar words. Instead, this is how he ends every post on his Facebook blog where David has documented his grief journey. It is also repeated throughout the book he wrote about Nick which is entitled, 'Forever 13' available here on Amazon.
My favorite image from David's book is not that little phrase, however. It is the image of a 'bean counter' in heaven. The bean counter is there putting a bean in a jar each day that our child is in heaven. Initially, that image bothered me. I kept thinking of Andy's jar filling up after days, months, and years, but then David says that this same bean counter has another jar with our names on it. In this jar, a bean is removed each day. Each bean represents the number of days until we will join our children in heaven and each day, our jar has one fewer bean.
I love the idea that as Andy's jar fills, mine is being emptied. The number of days between Andy's death and mine has been known by God since long before Andy died. That number has never and will never change. The only thing that changes is which jar the beans are in. One day, when my jar is empty, I will see Andy again and be able to say to him, "Andy, you are the best 14-year-old boy in the whole world, and your mommy loves you."
- Montre plus
