"I don't know..."
Is that a statement we should learn to get comfortable with?
Is it the way to creative flow?
Or is it a statement the BLOCKS the creative flow?
A way of giving up?
Or is it surrendering to the higher power within us?
Depends on how YOU want to interpret it. It has everything to do with the meaning you put behind it.
You can say, "I don't know" then decide you'll NEVER know.
Or you can say, "I don't know" with the confidence that the next step or idea will revealed THROUGH the acceptance of not knowing.
Question is, how does this statement make you FEEL?
Defeated or Empowered?
Some guilt crept up in me the other day as I was remembering something. I realized I had yet to resolve this in my mind. My goal is to be extra attentive each time a past memory or thought comes into my mind and it causes a low vibe emotion. I want to gather all the pieces to the story and see if I can rewrite it.
I still hold guilt for Owen’s ear. Two reasons come to mind when I think about what may have caused his birth defect.
Let’s start with not calling it a birth defect, not that I necessarily want to pull the wool over my eyes and not recognize mistakes or consider how I could have done things differently, but what’s done is done and I can only move forward in the way I see it and describe it, I don’t want to project my mistakes onto Owen. So calling it a defect makes me feel like I’m describing him as not whole.
I will never gain with blame. I will only gain by honoring how the experience has contributed to my wakening of the dream we all find ourselves in.
It’s the nightmares that tend to wake us up. Then we SEE that the tiger chasing us is not even real. We wake up, safe in our beds, and recognize the peace around us.
But even awakening from the dream is a cycle. We go back to sleep and we dream again. So it’s not like you have an awakening and suddenly you’re awake for the rest of your life. You go to sleep again, and you dream. But there is such thing as lucid dreaming, which I believe is the goal. To allow yourself to sleep and be immersed in the dream, but you KNOW you’re dreaming, therefore you don’t get so emotionally caught up in the dream. It becomes more fun and playful.
My skin, my greatest teacher.
I used to believe my skin was my greatest enemy. Like it’s role in my life was to torture me and make me feel insecure. At one point I even believed it was God’s way of keeping me humble.
I don’t want to hide my imperfections anymore. I don’t even want to SEE them as imperfections. I realized I’m causing my own stress because I want to have flawless skin more than I want to appreciate what my skin is trying to teach me or how it’s my bodies way of communicating to me.
Our bodies communicate in different ways. Some have pain in their joints, or other area of their body. Headaches, brain fog, fatigue, bloat or discomfort in the gut.
I’ve been believing my whole life that perfect skin, good hair, and a super model figure was the answer to all my problems. But now as I’m aging I’m realizing that I’ve been putting my energy in the wrong place (climbing the wrong latter as Sean describes it).
If I believe that external beauty is the answer to life’s struggles then I’m in for a rude awakening.
So let’s bare it all, strip it down, embrace our imperfections and stop seeing them as flaws.
Appreciate what your body is offering you NOW and stop waiting to be happy and at peace until we lose that last pound or cure every illness we have. Enjoy the ebs and flows of life, embrace the seasons, and see everything as a gift.
I remember back when I was really actively pursing my goal to grow my Instagram following. How much anxiety, stress, jealousy, and overwhelm I felt on a DAILY basis.
Often times I would wish I could let it all go. I honestly felt trapped in my own mind about it. For so many reasons I thought letting go was not an option.
I thought… I’ve invested too much time and money into this, I can’t stop now.
Sometimes I would meet people that weren’t on social media at all. Some part of me judged them for trying to avoid the inevitable. Social media is a part of our lives now, either we reject it or embrace it.
But mostly I felt envy. I desperately wanted to be FREE of the hold it had on me.
I would often imagine what it would feel like to just LIVE my life without the pressure of putting it all online.
Some how some way, I finally broke free from the chains! I still post some things now and then, mostly to announce a new podcast episode or about how cute my cats are, but I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to finally let go of the belief that social media is my answer to success.
The other day I found myself TRIGGERED by something and wanted to share my process in coaching myself through it.
Triggers can show us where our attention is needed. What is unresolved within our subconscious.
It's an opportunity for us to do an investigation and it can actually be a lot of fun. Like solving a mystery. You follow the breadcrumbs to find the source of your pain.
When did this start? Describe in full detail the story you've been playing on repeat. It's a chance to discover the parts of the story that were fabricated. What creative/ negative/ dramatic twist did yyour mind add to it?
Can you rewrite the story in a way that makes you feel more empowered? Now just practice this new narrative every time you are triggered and eventually it will naturally disolve. Because you become AWARE of the false story that it no longer has power over you.
Our theme this year is Discover YOU in 2022 and I believe the best way to self discovery is through our EMOTIONS. As we get to know our feelings and where they are coming from, we get to know ourselves.
We are always saying things like… “I didn’t like the vibe I got from that person… or… what a great vibe this place has… or… we just weren’t vibing with one another. I never really knew there was some scientific validity to the whole VIBE term…
Physicists explain that inside every atom is mostly empty space and what’s left is more like a vibrational frequency.
Albert Einstein said, “Everything in life is vibration.”
Little did I know that my initial breakdown/breakthrough would last almost 4 years before I began making sense of things and feeling put back together. The interesting thing though is that it really feels as if I’m putting pieces of myself together but not using any of the old pieces.
Like putting a puzzle together that is completely blank. Every piece is just pure white, nothing on it, not even a spec of color.
Putting the pieces together gives me a sense of wholeness and a feeling of pure potentiality. You would think I’m describing emptiness, but really it’s such an exciting process to put this blank canvas together, because now I’m ready to create a masterpiece. With new shapes and colors I’ve never used before.
I never realized that contribution is what gives us purpose. I really had to question my intensions over the years. In the beginning of my blogging endeavors. I think deep down I knew it wasn’t coming from a pure desire to contribute. It was tainted by my insecurities and need to prove myself. So I carried subtle shame and always felt defensive about my intentions behind it all.
The clarity I have now is unreal. It reminds me of when I first got to Germany where I served my 18 month Mormon mission.
Before I got to Germany I spent 2 months intensively learning and studying the language. On the plane ride to Germany I remember how confident I felt in my ability to communicate in German.
I was quickly humbled and discovered I hadn’t even scratched the surface. I didn’t understand a WORD of German. I remember thinking, there is no way I will ever be able to understand or speak this language. I couldn’t make sense of any of it.
And one day (a year later) I realized I understood it all perfectly. It was a gradual process but eventually the impossible became possible.
This is how I would compare my spiritual growth over the past couple of years. I’ve been rereading some of the books that were way over my head the first time, felt like I was reading another language. But now I’m understanding them so clearly. It’s all making perfect sense and it’s such a cool realization.
Serves as a reminder for me to keep trying, keep learning, teaching, writing, sharing, and coaching. THIS is my path and my purpose.
Over the break I tried something new...
I made a goal to go an entire week without reading books or consuming content via podcasts, audible, and YouTube.
I know this seems like a silly goal, but one thing I realized is that I have an addiction to seeking answers outside of myself.
I've identified where my addiction to information began and I believe it started when I was a child. Growing up we moved a lot, and I changed schools about every 6 months for a while. Because I always felt behind in school I thought I wasn't smart.
Catching up to everyone academically has been a way of life for me. I've felt a lot of pressure to work harder and longer than everyone else just to keep up.
Going without consuming books and podcasts for a week brought my fear of missing out to the surface. I fear missing out on life and opportunities because of my belief that I'm at a deficit.
Our motto this year is to DISCOVER YOU IN 2022, and that's exactly what I'm going to do, one layer at a time.
I believe we are all vulnerable to unhealthy cult like structures. They come in many forms. Not all cults are necessarily bad, but in my opinion, many of them have unhealthy practices that can lead us down a path of even more separation rather than community.
In this episode I explain how I've been influenced by cult like structures in ways that has caused me so much confusion about my path and purpose.
One of my biggest takeaways from participating in "cults" is that I don't want to be an imitator, I want to be an innovator.
Sometimes cults can create uniformity rather than individuality.
There's no doubt Sean has achieved tremendous success in which I'm so grateful for, proud of, and inspired by. But admittedly, there has been a part of me that resents his success when I compare myself to him.
I've spent over a decade trying to build the same kind of success, but in my own unique way. In some ways I'm very proud of what I've created over the years, but when I compare myself to Sean I come up with all kinds of reasons why he's just better than me.
My mind spirals into victim mentality, poor me stories, and multiple reasons why I haven't been able to succeed the way he has.
In this episode I share more thoughts and lessons learned when it comes to collaborating, co-creating, and soul-creating.
Explaining where I've been the past few weeks.
Our motto this year is really been about letting go and letting it flow. So this week on the podcast I wanted to elaborate more on that topic since I feel that has been such a big part of our experience lately. 2020 has really turned out to be a gift in many ways. Mostly because it has presented us with the opportunity to practice our “letting go” muscle.
It’s been one of those huge letting go lessons that has yet again turned out to be the catalyst for receiving MORE. It’s one of the benefits of allowing things to flow instead of gripping so tightly to results, expectations, and outcomes. Many of us have a strong hold on what the outcome SHOULD be in any given situation. And if it doesn’t go the way we hope then it leaves us feeling discouraged and sorely disappointed.
We are taught at a young age, that if you believe then you can achieve. But there’s the fine print that I never even considered before. There have been many times in my life when I BELIEVED. But things didn’t happen the way I wanted which always left me wondering, WHY?
Did I not believe enough? Do I not deserve it? Am I not worthy of it?
What I didn’t realize is that I was believing in the wrong thing. Instead of believing it would happen the way my limited perspective wanted it to happen, I needed to believe that my deepest desires are at play. Desires that I may not even be aware of yet. It’s a part of me that is still unknown, the unrealized aspect of me that is manifesting the magic.
It’s the part that has the power to manifest what is truly wanted, at a deep soul level. So it’s more like getting into a space of believing that what ever the outcome, what ever happens, it’s all happening for me and for my greatest benefit. Beneath all the superficial, impatient, human minded desires. It’s much deeper, and much more gratifying. So trusting in that can be extremely empowering.
Today Sean and I wanted to share an update as far as where we are, mentally and emotionally as it pertains to our journey out of Mormonism.
This past year has been quite the whirlwind. I turned 40 and for some reason, along with that came a whole host of internal issues that came up for me. I was struggling with finding a purpose and positive outlook in life. I was confused and overwhelmed by my own lack of beliefs, and unanswered questions. There were so many things swirling around inside of me and I couldn’t make sense of any of it. Felt like absolute chaos.
At the same time I was becoming more tolerant of the Mormon beliefs. I didn’t feel as much anger and resentment around it all. Sean and I both stopped focusing on it and decided that we were done being “post Mormons”. We wanted to just be US. So me made a conscious decision to put our energy elsewhere. In that sense things felt great but on the other hand I was plagued by lack of understanding how the world works, what is my PURPOSE!
I was so worried of being deceived or brain washed by information that I became far too skeptical of Everything. I began to miss having the beliefs that strangely brought peace and comfort to my days. Now looking back I find it silly to believe in many of the things that used to have such a hold on me, but I really began to miss feeling the “spirit” if you will. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very much aware that what we called the “spirit” was just elevated emotion from being inspired by something we see or read. That can happen in any moment of life, and it does’t mean that the Mormon church is true. Just means that you liked something that was said and the thought made you feel warm and cozy inside. So I feel like there was a time that I had completely closed myself off from feeling that way. My world became so black and white and I didn’t even realize that I had unintentionally blocked out all the beautiful colors in life. It’s as if I was trying to go back to my little tiny box like home, and out of fear began nailing all the doors and windows shut in order to protect myself, believing that the sun itself was a threat to me.
And it’s only been recently that I’ve allowed myself to believe in certain things again. A few things that I’ve selected are God, prayer, Jesus, and spirit guides. But I don’t believe in God, prayer, and Jesus as Mormons do and the way most religions do. I would like to even use different terminology for these things because I don’t want to associate it with any kind of religious belief. But God for me is just source energy. The part of us that is one with everyone and everything. There is the human part of us, but then there is also the “being”. And that to me is God, and each of us come from that same source. It’s like God is the ocean and we are all part of it, each of us is a drop in the ocean. We think we are separate but that’s impossible. If we are a drop in the ocean then we ARE the ocean. Then prayer is just a way to send out positive vibes of gratitude to the universe and also a way to ask the universe for answers and guidance in our lives. I want to believe that the universe responds to the requests we put out there. As I’ve allowed myself to pray again, of course it’s nothing like the Mormon prayers. I don’t get on my knees, I don’t address God or Jesus, and I simply think or say all the things I’m grateful for, then I ask for answers to questions in my heart. That has been a really cool thing for me to practice. I’ve noticed some awesome things and it really feels good to accept some of these things back into my life but in a much different way.
And as far as Jesus goes. I still think of him as an important figure in history who taught us a lot of good things through his parables, wisdom, and example. I think a lot of what religions teach about Jesus is completely misunderstood, misused, and misinterpreted.
I'm BACK at it my friends. I had a crazy busy summer and in this episode I'm just catching you up on what I've been up to the past few months.
The more people I get to know on a deeper level, the more I'm realizing that every one of us has some level of childhood trauma.
Not to shame and blame the caregivers because heaven knows I'm no saint when it comes to parenting.
We are all doing the best we can with what we know therefore we must offer that same understanding and compassion for the people who devoted so much of their time and energy in raising us.
Healing the inner child is not about bringing up old wounds for the intent of revenge but rather to rewrite the narrative.
Today on the podcast Lenny Evans gives us some useful tools to start the work of healing from past trauma.
Lenny Evans is an author, motivational speaker, belief coach, yoga teacher, and much much more.
ER Shred Ambassador Jesse James Jamnik interviews me about my weight loss and personal growth journey thus far. "As Co-Founder of the ER Shred Protocol, along with her husband Sean, Crystal has a true passion for helping transform people's overall well-being. Especially seeing as though she herself struggled for years before finally cracking the code. Join us as Crystal and I break down the past and touch on subjects that you very well might be struggling with yourself. Sugar & Carb Cravings Baby weight Self Esteem Adult Acne Dieting and the restrictions on life And so much more!"
First of all, how can we possibly know how people SHOULD love us? Letting go of all my shoulds has been the hardest thing for me to do. I want to believe that people should do things the way I think they should. But as Byron Katie always says, when you “turn it around rather than waiting for someone else to do it is the end of the road not traveled”.
I love the turn around technique she teaches, it helps me really put things into perspective and switch my focus off the person I’m judging and allows for my own introspection. I can then ask myself how I might be doing the very same thing I think others should NOT being doing.
For example, when I want someone to stop being so critical of me. I usually discover that I too am being critical by criticizing that others should not criticize me. Or when I yell at the kids for yelling at each other. I often get angry at them for fighting with each other but in turn I end up arguing with them about arguing with each other.
"Shoulds" are just our own biases and opinions.
“As you inquire into issues and turn judgements around, you come to see that every perceived problem appearing “out there” is really nothing more than a misperception within your own thinking.”
We all dream of the days when life ceases to be challenging. When we learn all the lessons there are to learn, we make our millions, solve our problems, achieve all our goals, and ride off into the sunset with our happily ever after.
Unfortunately, or should I say FORTUNATELY, life never stops presenting us with a healthy dose of difficulty. Itt all comes down to our attitude and whether or not we’re able to embrace life’s challenges and see them as the perfect opportunity for growth and self discovery.
Stripping myself down of all the things that feed my ego has been extremely challenging. In this episode I go into more detail about some of the things I found myself addicted to, not realizing the driving force behind it all.
Thinking outside the box, new and different ways of doing things. Stepping into the unknown, reinventing, and redefining life. That's what 2021 is all about.