Episoder
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Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's special episode entitled PAUSE.
This episode is special to me because I'm trying on some of the things that I've been the learning and sharing this season. I'm taking time to listen to my body, being gentle with myself, and giving myself the time and space to allow the natural ebbs and flows of life.
I'm thankful to be surrounded by a loving community that helped me reflect and following through when I asked myself the question "What do I need right now?"
I'm about to live through a busy time of change over the next couple of months and as I take time to listen inside and be with all the good that lays ahead I've made the decision to press pause before producing, editing, and sharing my final episodes for this season.
For most of my life, I've lived in a binary mode of all or nothing. Full steam ahead or quit and walk away. My normal way of operating would be to push myself and force out these last episodes but I'm going to practice what I preach and give myself permission to press pause and to give myself the space that I need right now.
I appreciate all of you who have been following along and sharing your love, support, and encouragement across this season so it was important for me not to just 'go dark' and disappear for a while.
So what about you? What do you need right now?
James
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Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's story episode entitled Grief, Loss, Hope, Love
One of the more surprising things I discovered during my time in rehab was the duality of recovery. Yes, recovery is learning to stop or let go of behaviours and actions that may no longer be serving you. AND, recovery is also about remembering behaviours and actions that I had almost given up hope for.
For me, my recovery journey has been a twisting and winding road where I am being reminded and retaught that I am worthy of love, that I am lovable, and that I am capable of loving others.
In today's story episode, I take you back inside the walls of my rehab experience to share what I learned about grief and loss and about how avoiding pain was also helping me to avoid the one thing that I've been searching for my entire life. When I started to be with my grief and loss, I also started to find hope and love.
Episode links:
Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love
James
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Mangler du episoder?
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In today's episode, I'm joined with the incredible mother and son team, Candace & Riley. Candace and Riley are going to share part of their journey of unconditional love, acceptance, courage, strength & hope, and how they made a decision to come out as a family in the middle of the pandemic.
It is conversations like this and humans like Riley and Candace that give me hope and help to build a vision of the world that I want to live in.
Riley and Candace are living examples of who we can become, the spaces we can create, and the relationships that we can foster when we embrace all of who God designed us to be.
Instead of living in spaces defined by control, separation, exclusion, and fear; Riley and Candace are charting a different way forward. What type of world will you choose to be part of?
The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support educators and parents like Candace. A world where we provide the tools, resources, and space for Candace to help ALL children know how loved and important they actually are.
The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support humans like Riley. A world where surround people like Riley with unconditional love, affirmation, and encouragement to be exactly who they were created to be.
The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support safe spaces similar to the environment that Dan, Candace, and Riley are creating in their own home. A world where all people have a space, community, and safe haven where they can receive the love, encouragement, help, and hugs that are their birthright.
The space that Dan, Candace, and Riley have created in their home is 'the church' or more accurately 'the community' that Jesus instructed us to build with each other.
What would it be like for you to live in that world? Who might you be today if you grew up in that world? What can you do today to create that world where you are right now?
James
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Your perceived challenge with addiction isn’t the problem.
You are not the ‘problem’.
It’s what happened to you that has caused this ‘problem’.
The Adverse Childhood Experience Study (ACEs) is population-based clinical evidence that shows that the major factor underlying addiction in adults is childhood trauma.
It is proven that those who suffer from addiction in their adult life are those who had adverse childhood experiences when they were younger.
Have you been introduced to the work of Dr. Vincent Felitti and his Adverse Childhood Experiences Study? Do you know what your own ACE score is? If not, follow the link below to take the simple assessment and get your score.
ACE score quiz
Want to learn more about ACEs? Here are a few great resources to get you started:
TED - How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime - Dr. Nadine Burke HarrisCDC site on ACEsACEs and Toxic Stress - Office of the California Surgeon GeneralThe Deepest Well - Dr. Nadine Burke HarrisJames
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By sharing his own personal experience with religious trauma and evolution towards leaving fundamentalism behind, Andrew Pledger was fired from his campus job and expelled from Bob Jones University.
Join our conversation as Andrew shares how his art gave him a unique opportunity to explore how religious trauma has impact his life and how he started his own journey of healing, spiritual growth, and listening to God to become his own hero.
Resource List:
This I know: A Simple Biblical Defence for LGBTQ Christians, by Jim DantMy Gay Church Days: A memoir of a closeted evangelical pastor who eventually had enough, by George AzarThe Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. GibsonLeaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion, by Marlene WinellBeyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms, by Matthias RobertsSacred Wounds: A Path to Healing from Spiritual Trauma, by Teresa B PasqualeFirst Baptist Church, Greenville SCChurchClarity -
Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's story episode entitled Complex Trauma.
I need to take a deep breath as I introduce today's episode. This was one of the hardest episodes that I've had to write in the last year. As I took the time to go back through my journals, read through the assignments that I completed while in rehab two years ago, and revisit my massive 'rehab binder' of worksheets, daily check-ins, assessments, and resources; I was hit with a wave of emotions. It was really hard to look back and see the space that I was in and to re-experience some of the thoughts and feelings that I was going through at that time of my life.
Rehab gave me a pause and permission to change the paradigm of how I was getting help. This paradigm shift helped to give me the opportunity to be deeply seen and deeply known, both by my therapists and by the other men in the house. This was a game-changer for me and helped me to see the many trauma responses that I've been living with and experiencing for most of my life.
When children don’t perceive safety from anyone in their world, they teach themselves that it is never safe to trust anyone. This approach creates a feeling of complete isolation, loneliness, disconnection, and can introduce and reinforce a feeling of being broken. This type of trauma is the birthplace of shame. This type of shame can overwhelm even the most resilient of children.
After decades of striving forward in the dark, I finally started to get an honest assessment of what I was dealing with so that I could start my healing journey. Rehab was not a final destination. It was a start.
James
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"The sexy thing in the #exvangelical world right now is destruction. That's the easiest path, just shoot flaming arrows at the thing, tear it apart, poke holes in it.
Destroying something is deeply satisfying the moment, especially when there is a lot of hurt.
Deconstruction has a lot more intention behind it, it's much more careful in its exploration."
Today I'm joined with my personal friend John Emery. John is a former evangelical worship pastor who made the decision to walk away from his role in the church in order to search for a more inclusive and affirming path forward for himself, his family, and for all people.
John is on his own personal journey of deconstruction where he is learning to grow into spaces that encourage him to be more vulnerable, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous in his relationship with God and how he defines church.
John is a strong LGBTQ+ ally who lives with his wife and three kids in Freeport Maine where he is the founder of branding agency Emery. Emery works to help bring clarity and confidence to brands and they believe that every "good idea" deserves a great reputation. John's overall life goal in everything that he does is to help grow fruit on other people's trees.
What's your hope for the church? Where do you find your intentions?
Are you fighting to keep things the same?
Do you want to return to someplace from the past?
Do you want to destroy something that has caused pain?
Or are you focused on deconstruction so that we can open up space where you can co-create something new?
James
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Looking back, I can now describe my time in treatment as the most difficult, most exposed, and most rewarding time of my life. I started to pull the wool back from my eyes and began to see how my approach to 'strength' hurt me, hurt others around me, and nearly cost me my life.
While in treatment I learned how many of my addictive behaviours and anxiety-producing thoughts were shame-based thoughts that I was not surrendering. Even today much of my fear-based thinking comes from a false belief that I'm in control. There continue to be times when I dissociate and go somewhere inside as I try to numb or run from the idea that I have to handle everything in my life all by myself.
Surrender is a day-to-day learning experience in my life and as I focus on shifting my mindset and approach, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't actually have to do life on my own.
I am surrounded by help.
I am part of a loving community of friends and family.
I am a valuable and loved child of God, and so are you
You are accepted and loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are. You, your heart, your mind, your body, your spirit, your gender expression, your sexuality, and the way you love, are created perfectly in God’s image.
You are designed as an ultra-social being who is wired to connect and be in community with others. You have been designed to be deeply known and you experience that knowing when you surrender and safely open yourself up with others and allow yourself to be seen.
You are created on purpose and your purpose is to fully love yourself, connect deeply with others and share your love with the rest of the world.
James
RESOURCES:
Feelings Wheel -
Are evangelical churches safe spaces for 2SLGBTQ humans? How can a space that may be considered 'unsafe' transform into a welcoming and affirming space? Is it possible to create a safe space for all people?
In today's episode, I'm joined with James Sholl, my personal friend and Senior Pastor of Wellspring Worship Centre in Toronto. James helps us explore these questions and much more.
One of the things I really appreciate about James' approach is that he is doing the hard and sometimes messy work with the people at Wellspring to show love to all of their neighbours, including the 2SLGBTQ+ community that other evangelical churches can fight to exclude.
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Christmas survival tips for LGBTQ Christians
This year has been a doozie for so many of us. And if you're anything like me the holiday season usually amplifies any feelings of loneliness, disconnection, or otherness that I may have swirling around in my head.
I know that I'm not alone on this one. For many Queer people of faith, the holiday season can be really hard and really dark. That cheery exterior that we are expected to portray in pictures, at parties, and on social media, that's not the reality for many of us.
Growing up I was constantly reminded that Christmas IS a time of warmth, happiness, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, singing carols at a candlelit Christmas Eve church service, and joyous family celebrations where you lovingly exchange gifts and where you spend time relaxing, connecting, and sharing meals with close family relatives. You know, all those fuzzy warm images and picture-perfect endings we see on the Hallmark Channel, and for some, that is their reality.
But for others, people like me, that's a fantasy and it's a painful reminder of what I'm told I wasn't allowed to be.
I get how hard this time of the year can be. I know how desperately hard so many of us want that perfect Hallmark Christmas fantasy to be our reality. It's not easy NOT being part of what is 'generally accepted' and what 'everyone else may be doing', but that doesn't make you wrong.
My hope is that these top 7 Christmas survival tips for LGBTQ Christians will help you navigate any choppy waters in the weeks ahead.
No matter what your reality is this holiday season I want you to know something with absolute certainty.
You are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are.
Merry Christmas
James
www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
Referenced Links:
Glennon Doyle's 'We can do hard things' podcast
What is Religious Trauma Syndrome
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Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you were able to join me for today's story episode entitled Rehab.
In today's episode, I'm taking you on the road with me to Philadelphia where I'm about to check into the trauma-informed rehab facility where I will be living for the next 30 days. Parts of me are still on a high from making the decision to attend, parts of me are terrified of what's right around the corner, and other parts of me are starting to have doubts that I may have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life in coming here.
James
www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
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Hello and Welcome to This Little Light Of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm really glad that you are able to join me for today's interview episode.
Today I'm joined with David Laskovski who is joining our conversation on mental health and will be helping us delve a little deeper into the topic of suicide. David developed the HELP model, that provides new tools and resources to professionals in Toronto's Emergency Medical Services to intervene and help those who may be suicidal.
Before we jump into today's episode I want to provide two important caveats. The first is a trigger warning. Suicide is an important and uncomfortable topic that touches many of our lives (even if we may not be aware that it does). While this conversation may be uncomfortable I know that it is a conversation that we need to get more comfortable with. That being said, the timing of this conversation may not be for everyone, right now. Please proceed with caution and listen to your body on what you need to be safe in this moment.
The second caveat that I want to share is that David is my boyfriend. David has helped me grow in a number of ways over the past couple of years and I wanted to invite him on to share some of his kindness, wisdom, and love so that it might help others too.
With David's expertise my hope and intention behind this episode is that we can all get a little more comfortable talking about this uncomfortable topic.
James
Episode links:
Kevin Hines - Golden Gate Bridge
Guide: How to talk about suicide
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Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you were able to join me for today's story episode entitled Coming out again.
In today's episode I walk you some of the uncomfortable yet necessary events that followed my big decision to JUMP! from S02E05. I'm putting my decision to attend an in-patient trauma-informed rehab facility into action. It's time for me to get vulnerable, out myself in an entirely new way, and have conversations with my parents and with my employer, to share that I need to take time away to heal.
I have so many thoughts and feelings come up when I think back to that time and space in my life. I was on a constant pendulum swinging back and forth between fear and relief.
What I now know for sure, coming out is not a binary process. When we are growing and evolving, we are in a perpetual process of coming out.
What are some areas of your life that you now feel safe enough to come out of your shell some more?
James.
https://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
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I'm joined with Bonnie Violet. Bonnie is a trans femme genderqueer spiritual drag artist, digital chaplain and host of 'A Queer Chaplin' and 'Splintered Grace' podcasts.
In today's interview episode Bonnie and I will be talking about the recent Netflix conversation therapy documentary, titled 'Pray Away'.
We'll be talking what we found, helpful, hurtful, and what we hope for, should a possible part two be in the works.
Bonnie said it best when she said "Don't pray for me not to be trans. Don't pray for me not to be gay. Pray for me to get closer to God."
Imagine what our world could be if we didn't ask people to change. Imagine what our world could be if we honoured the individuality that God designed into each of us.
Imagine what our world could be if we helped and encouraged each other to go deeper within, to discover how beautiful they already are, instead of teaching people to Pray Away.
What are you praying FOR?
James
http://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
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In today's story episode, I'm going to take you Peru where my friend Rob from OUT Adventures helped me to experience my own outer discovery adventure and inner journey for the soul.
Going into this trip, I had everything on the OUTSIDE that I thought should make me happy, but I wasn't. I was in desperate need of an inner transformation. I needed to find a space within myself where I felt safe enough and brave enough to jump.
It was this inner journey with OUT Adventures where I made one of my own life changing decisions to JUMP.
Transformational travel is an incredible set and setting to embrace and experience the fullest expression of your being. And we each have the opportunity to choose to BE that person right now. It's not the travel that creates the opportunity. It's YOU who gives yourself the full permission to be alive while travelling. You can give yourself that full permission with every breath you take.
For more information on OUT Adventures check out Rob at https://www.outadventures.com/ and @outadventures
For explore more about how Liz helps women find joy in their wellness journeys through travel you can meet Liz at @lizbeancrookston and discover The Archer Group at https://www.thearchergroupinc.ca
For pictures and more from today's episode please visit https://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
James
@the.jamespowell
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Hello and welcome to This Little Light Of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for the second part of my conversation with Dr. Mike Rosebush.
If you haven't been introduced to Mike yet, I would encourage you to skip back to S02E03, Honey, I think I'm a homosexual.
In today's episode Mike will share what happened when he came out while working as a VP at Focus on the Family, his role as a conversion therapist, outing himself again on a national ex-gay conference stage, going back into the closet, and what helped him to fully love and embrace all of who God made him to be.
Connecting with Mike affirmed that we were designed to live and be fully alive. We were not created to be dead humans walking. The number one way that we start living, is when we are faithful to how we are each individually designed from love.
Our coming out process is about being faithful, authentic, and loving to ourselves. The more that we do this with ourselves, the more we can share this faithfulness and love with others.
This is our challenge today. What is the truth you want to stand up for and share with our world?
How will you share that your sexuality, no matter the form, can never be broken, wrong, or sinful? How will you love more and share more of yourself with the world around you? How will you help the next generation know that you are needed, you are important, you are wanted, you are included, and you are loved?
We need you now. When you raise your voice, the world will hear your echo for generations to come.
Raise your voice, hear IT echo
You are loved, James
To read more from Dr. Mike Rosebush, check him out on Medium.
Episode theme by Emorie: Raise a voice, hear it echo
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Do you have any gay Christian role models or mentors?
On today's episode, I'm joined with Dr. Mike Rosebush who describes himself as somewhat of a gay Christian Yoda.
In this first part of our conversation, Mike will share how his wild journey of his 'most unusual gay Christian life' got started.
In Part 1 of our conversation Mike talks about:
growing up with 'John Wayne' as a fatherbeing top of his class in the US Air Force Academyspeaking life, for the first time, at age 30, to a homosexual personComing out while in the US Air ForceComing out to his pregnant wifeGoing into conversation therapyStarting as a VP with Focus on the FamilyTo read more from Dr. Mike Rosebush, check him out on Medium.
James
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I never considered that I might be surrounded by help. For most of my life I’ve been afraid to ask for help, because asking for help meant getting hurt. And as a kid I thought I was supposed to avoid getting hurt.
What comes to your mind when the topic of 'asking for help' comes up?
Is asking for help something that comes easy for you? Is asking for help something that you avoid? Or does asking for help depend on the type of help that you need? Is it okay to ask for help moving a heavy object but not okay when the help you need is more emotional in nature?
I believe that a major part of our healing and recovery journey comes when we learn to ask for help AND accept and appreciate how beautiful, wonderful, and unique God has created each and every one of us... including me. And especially you.
Thanks for joining me today and I look forward to returning in two weeks' time for our first interview episode of S02 where I will be joined with Dr. Mike Rosebush who will share his WILD journey and ‘most unusual gay Christian Life’.
Book reference by Peter A Levine: In an Unspoken Voice - How the body releases trauma and restores goodness
Cover design: creative directed by David Laskovski
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By finding the courage to ask for the help I desperately needed I slowly started to understand that I wasn’t broken. I slowly started to understand that I was not alone. I slowly started to let go of holding onto the control that I thought was keeping me safe. I slowly started to understand that childhood trauma doesn’t simply disappear. Trauma morphs, transforms, and continues to inflict harm until we start to face the root of what harmed us.
I’m excited to have you join me for Season Two where I’ll share parts of my recovery journey after hitting bottom and finding the courage to start asking for help. Where I thought that I was alone, isolated, and detached from others, I started to understand and experience that I was surrounded by help. And much of the help that I’ve received came from some of the most unexpected places and people.
Throughout S02 I will also be introducing you to other individuals who will share their experiences of how their world has taken on new meaning, understanding, and purpose when they started to accept who they were created to be, love who they were created to be and had the courage to reach out, connect with others, and ask for the help they needed.
When we start asking for the help we need for ourselves, we stand up for love and start to prioritize mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health in our own lives, and start to give permission for others to do the same.
James
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Pride is an inner journey towards ownership of self. This isn’t just an LGBTQ2S+ journey, it’s a journey for everyone. Pride is a journey inward where you ask AND go inside to listen to the internal guidance system that you have been given.
The journey inwards toward ownership of self and the outward evolution towards actual diversity and inclusion isn’t for the faint of heart. As we enter another season of Pride, I want to acknowledge the messy, lonely, and sometimes unstable feelings that come with growth. And many times, this journey of growth calls for letting go and even leaving others behind.
Pride is a celebration of uncomfortable growth. It’s an ongoing and ever-evolving graduation into becoming more of yourself. You are not designed to be like anyone else. You are not designed to be the same person that you were last year. In my opinion, we are all transitioning as we remember who we were designed to become and this transition is a never-ending process, not a destination or a one-time ‘coming out’.
Can you be extra selfish this Pride? Don’t fit in, be different, practice self-love, and celebrate how beautifully unique you are designed to be. You are worthy of love…. And you are loved.
Happy Pride.
- Se mer
