Episodes
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In this episode, I talk with award-winning author and advocate, Keri Williams, about her two-decade journey as a foster and adoptive parent, highlighting the challenges of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Keri shares her personal adoption experiences and the behavioral challenges she faced. She discusses navigating mental health systems, societal misconceptions, and the need for more support and resources for RAD caregivers. Join me for this enlightening conversation on parenting children with RAD and the importance of self-care and advocacy in the adoption community.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Karen Springs provides cutting-edge research about how adoptive families wit kids adopted from overseas have progressed. In her new book—THE BACKSEAT OF ADOPTION, she shares How the families she worked with in Europe are currently progressing.
Are the children thriving? Are the parents thriving?What are the joys of parenting?What are common obstacles?How many children are searching for their roots?Are the parents involved in their adult children’s lives?All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Missing episodes?
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What could be more exciting than to be an adopted person and find the family that you never knew existed?
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Hi, my friends. Well, we're going to visit the subject of adoptee birthdays again today. I just recently had one. I'm well into my seventh decade of life, and I look back and I realize that there are so many things that I couldn't say or explain. About adoptee birthdays in my younger years, but I'd just kinda like to share with you the new thoughts that I have about birthdays so that maybe the whole triad adoptees, my fellow adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, can glean some insights so that adoptees can learn to navigate those milestones in a healthy way.
So, anyway, let me just share a memory with you of my last birthday party. I was up in Michigan with my family. All of Bob's brothers were there and their wives, and many of our nieces and nephews were there. And we were sitting out in the backyard in this August afternoon in beautiful Michigan near the lake.
At one moment, one of the nieces came out with a beautiful birthday cake. It was like probably 14 inches around and it had a red candle, one red candle on it. And then I looked around and everybody, all my family was standing in a circle. They had their iPhones up and they were singing happy birthday to you.
And I tell you, it really touched my heart. I felt so incredibly loved by my family. But you know, friends, as I think about that positive experience, I think back to other times when I couldn't receive the love that my family wanted to give me. As you know, I've gone through a healing of memories time a couple years ago, so I am able to receive more than I ever could.
But this was so wonderful, and family, I love you for doing that for me. I really love each one of you so very much. So, today we're going to revisit the subject of adoptee birthdays and realize as I share these thoughts that these are my thoughts. I'm not trying to speak for all adoptees at all. I wouldn't presume to do that, but perhaps if I share my thoughts about what really goes on in an adoptee's brain and mind and body during a birthday year.
Everybody might be able to understand the adoptee better, and of course that's always my passion, is that the adopted child will navigate well through life. So, there's three things that I would like to talk about today. I'll tell you the three and then we'll go into detail. The first one is, birthdays often trigger strong emotions.
That's the first thing. The second one is, birthdays might set up the adoptee for complacencies. And the third one is, birthdays are opportunities for parents, both birth and adoptive, to prepare for the unexpected. You can't plan it, parents. And so, I'll explain that more as we go along. But, I think about my own mom, Aretha was her name.
She was such a good mom and tried so very hard on birthdays to make me feel loved, to make me feel special. I have a picture of her, black and white photo of the table that she sat for me at the picnic table when I was about five years old, sitting with all my friends, all dressed up in pretty dresses and stuff around the picnic table and everybody was having fun, but I was pouting.
Sure, I couldn't have told you at that time what was going on in my mind. I know now that I was very sad. I was missing my birth mother, my first mother, as we say now, beautiful Elizabeth, who was my first mom, who gave me my first home, whose heartbeat became the rhythm for my life, for the dance of adoption.
And I was missing her. I didn't even know about her then, at least in a verbal way. But of course I did, because I grew in her womb. We will always be a part of our first family, and we love them very much. I wish that, as many of you know, the reunion that I had with Elizabeth ended in rejection of her to me.
I wish that could have gone differently, but you know what, she just wasn't ready to work through all those issues, and that's okay. She didAll Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Sometimes, adopted children get discouraged about numerous meltdowns and need encouragement from someone who's been there--author Sherrie Eldridge. Eldridge crafted this short message just for the children by sharing the reason for meltdowns, which is trauma. Children are taught that because of the repercussions of trauma, oftentimes love from others and from God doesn’t translate as love. Eldridge shares several personal examples and encourages children to:
1. Remember that God has a wonderful purpose for their lives.
2. Be hopeful that meltdowns can diminish and healing from trauma can occur.
3. Trust that they're not alone--they have one another.
(Age 9 and up)All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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And I'm very excited about this guest that's going to be talking with me during the next segment. It is Susan Tebows, who is the author of, we've Been There, true Stories, surprising Insights, and Aha Moments for Adopted Teens. Susan is a writer, speaker, bible study leader and adoptive mom. And she's got such a heart for adoptees.
I was so taken by that. So fellow adoptees, I know you're gonna really like her insights in this book and in this podcast, she and her husband Mike have three adopted children from Siberia and they live in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She is the co-author of Before You Were Mine, discovering Your Adopted Child's Life Story and now the wonderful book We've been there.
I just think Susan has, after you interview people, and she interviewed 20 adoptees, and I know that God gave her such a heart for understanding them, and so I'm just gonna read a little bit of the letter on the back of her book that she wrote to fellow adoptees. So fellow adoptees, this is for us. Here we go.
If you're a teen with adoption in your story, there are probably a lot of things your friends and family just don't understand, no matter how much they love you. Do you ever wish you had someone to talk to about the good, the bad, and the completely confusing parts of being adopted? Someone who would really get it?
You're not alone In this book, over 30 adopted teens and young adults talk about their feelings, thoughts, and experiences, and unanswered questions. They're secrets. They reveal 'em. You guys. So we've been there. Not only shares what they've learned, but also what they wish someone would've known. So welcome Susan.
Thank you, Sherry. It's so good to be here. And hello from Pier, Michigan. Yeah. So what's the weather like today in Michigan? I'm looking outside and it is, Attempting to get sunny. We went through a long six month winter, so any inch of sun that peaks out, we all run to it. We have a lot of benefits in Michigan, but we have long winters too.
Yeah, ours aren't quite as bad in Indiana and because we had such a light winter, the allergies are horrible this year. So anyway, welcome. Thank you. And how about sharing your story of your family and how you became an adoptive mom? Love to hear that. You know, I get to look back, it was 25 years ago, which seems like yesterday, and you gotta look at my husband and I back then.
And we were such an unlikely couple to even be thinking about this and we, we were professionals. Kind of comfortable. And we were in our early thirties, and I just remember being at my office and saying, I know God has something more for us. And I remember praying about that specifically, and who knew what we were stepping into.
You know, we were growing in our faith. And faith means trust, right? We were learning to trust God. And so at one point there was this, Article in the newspaper in Grand Rapids. It was about Russian adoption and somebody had adopted, and I was like, what? It struck me huge. And then, um, I shared it with my husband.
He goes, I don't know anything about that. Well, long story short, we got on the same page, got opened a lot of doors, and we ended up not adopting just one child, but three children over a period of five years. From Russia. So we went to Russia five times in five years, and that's kinda how we became a family.
That's an amazing story, and it's quite complicated, isn't it, to get a child back from there to bring them home, like you have to travel twice. Yeah, in the first round or so, we only had to travel once. Then Russia continued to change the rules and then as we know today, no one can adapt from a Russia, at least not Americans.
There's a whole list we don't even wanna go into because it's complicated. But yeah, it seemed t
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Teen and adult adoptees will be encouraged by such a gifted therapist as Dafna Lender LCSW. Dafna shares initially how her upbringing challenged her to be a voice for those that have no voice. Hearing her validation of the adoptee loss is moving and will bless the heart of every adoptee that listens.
Additionally, Lender addresses the need of adoptive and foster parents to know what will help them address control issues, such as procrastination for going to school.
Lastly, Sherrie Eldridge asks Lender if she thinks a recovery-type program should be created for adoptees and adoptive parents.All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Ron Nydam, Ph.D., is a highly respected and beloved pastor, speaker, author, counselor, and teacher in the field of adoption. For the last two decades, he educated international audiences about relinquishment and adoption. These two topics are his specialty and he addresses them with the finesse of a skilled surgeon. His main audiences are:
Adoptees struggling with the repercussions of relinquishment.First (Birth) parents, continuing to mourn their losses.Adoptive parents who can't understand the behavior of their teen and adult children.Ron has authored of two books:
ADOPTEES COME OF AGE: Living within Two Families (Counseling and Pastoral Theology)
https://www.amazon.com/Adoptees-Come-Age-Families-Counseling/dp/0664256716
WISE ADOPTIVE PARENTING: When Kids Struggle to Adopt Their Parents
https://www.amazon.com/Wise-Adoptive-Parenting-Struggle-Parents/dp/1387748475For speaking and counseling, 616-822-1536
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Derek Clark’s life is one of resilience and redemption. As a
child he suffered unthinkable child abuse, abandonment and
emotional distress before being turned over to the psychiatric
hospital at age five. His 13 years in the San Francisco bay area
foster care system reflected an early life of humiliation,
aggression, emotional distress, overwhelming anxiety and
being wrongfully labeled.
Eventually, with the help of loving foster parents and a
fantastic social worker, he defied the artificial limitations
imposed upon him. Derek knows first-hand how to cope with
adversity and overcoming hardship. His past has never held
him back from accomplishing what he set his heart and mind
to.
Derek is an inspiring speaker, author and has recently become
a viral video sensation for his “Rapping Dad” videos which
have had over 250 million views. He’s also been featured on
CNN Headline News, The Steve Harvey TV Show and many
other TV shows around the world.
He is the author of seven books including “Disable the Label”,
“Never Limit Your Life” and the “I Will Never Give Up” book
series.
His true-life trials and personal triumphs have inspired
organizations with his message of hope and unwavering
perseverance. He has turned his situation from a victim to a
victor, equipping him with the wisdom and the will to never
give up.
Here is the link for the podcast.All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Bronwen interviews Sherrie on a rare topic--adoptee anger. They discuss the two kinds of anger and emphasize the fact that anger itself is good--its a God-given emotion that warns us if something is wrong, like the red light on a dashboard.
Anger can become toxic when anger is stuffed and turns into bitterness and hate.
The unintentional adversarial relationship that often occurs between adoptive moms and their children is common, but its a topic that hasn't be addressed by adoption professionals, speakers, and therapists.
Adoptees secretly attribute their lion-like anger to a personal defect, while wounded moms fear their children will never experience their love.
Sherrie shares a time a purging, where she did the hard work of recovery. Signs of healing emerged first in regard to Retha, her mom through adoption.
Listen to the inspiring story of how trash became treasure.All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Bronwen Smith, a mom who adopted from Korea, shares the real-life struggles and joys of adopting internationally. Learn how she and her husband decided to adopt, how they chose the country to adopt from, what it was like to take off in the plane with the knowledge that their son was leaving his entire home behind, and how they juggle joy and peace on a daily basis.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Not only must adoptive and foster moms understand the depth of their child’s pre-adoption pain, but also their own trauma wound. “What wound?” they may say. “My child is the one with the deep wound, not me. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Adoptive moms may be offended or defensive when told they have a trauma wound. Adoptive mom says—I think many people can experience defensiveness or protectiveness about our woundedness. To be comfortable disclosing ourselves authentically requires safety. Safe people are hard to find. Additionally, we may be conscious of the adoption “label” that can be put on our kids, in that adoption can sometimes erroneously be viewed as the root of the problem, when in reality, it may be something far different. Disclosing our wound requires some level of risk and discernment before taking that risk. Otherwise, there is a chance of being hurt more by insensitive comments, judgment, and/or blame. It’s not easy to navigate the path of transparency, especially if you’re already limping along. Who needs to have their good leg shot out from underneath?”
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Sometimes, adopted kids see their adoptive moms as an enemy. Does that mean there's something wrong with them? Bad genes? Bad character? A million times, no! Adoptees have been deeply wounded, first through the loss of their first mothers, and second, by being placed into the arms of strangers. Learn four reasons adoptees see their moms like this and what moms can do to gain hope and endurance.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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This podcast reveals how adoption's parent/child relationships oftentimes become strained and explains that the strain is not the fault of parent nor child. Five adoptive moms give real-life examples of strain. Sherrie Eldridge reveals the greatest gift parents can give their kids in every situation--the gift of a non-abandoning heart. The pre-requisite to a non-abandoning heart is "risky love"--choosing to remain in the meltdown with the child, trace current-day strain to perceived abandonment, and speak to the past as well as the present. With her seasoned adoptee voice, Sherrie urges fellow adoptees to forgive themselves. Why? Their brains were damaged in the midst of trauma, but still have great hope of recovery.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Relationships between adoptive moms and their kids will involve more stress than bio kids and parents. If an adoptive mother isn't educated about this reality, she may conclude that her parenting is inferior--"I thought it was me and my inability to nurture and support them properly." Sherrie Eldridge proposes a bootcamp within her new book that would prepare parents well. As a result, they won't enter the battlefields without being seasoned warriors. The first step is to learn what a "non-intentional" relationship is and how the four aspects of it affect both mother and child.All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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There are many adoptive parents whose adopted children can't receive their love. If we liken it to a dance, the adopted child may delight in stepping on the parent's toes. Sherrie Eldridge explains why this happens from an adoptee perspective, as well as sharing adoptive parent thoughts about the rejection they experience. Hopefully, parents will come away with new ideas about how to dance effectively with their adopted children.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Podcast #2
Many adoptees and foster children haven't been told that it's possible to find freedom from their painful past. Sherrie reviews the literature that's been available, especially that of Nancy Verrier's THE PRIMAL WOUND. The case is made that in physical healing, validation of the wound is just the beginning. Most adoptees want more--more growth, more steps to take toward freedom, and more self-worth. Sherrie shares her story of how this reality transpired in her life.
All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
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Sherrie Eldridge introduces herself as a veteran adoptee and adoption author, but enthusiastically invites adoptive, birth, foster, step parents and her fellow adoptees to join her in discovering wonderful new research and experience in the world of adoption:
1. The child's brain records parental acts of love even though child's level of receptivity is low.
2. Parents can be assured through brain research that their acts of love won't be forgotten.
3. Adoptees can be free from their painful past and parents can be free from their painful self (I will never be able to meet the needs of my child).
Sherrie shares future content:
1. Chapters from her upcoming book
2. Trauma experts will share insights from research
3. Ideas about getting older
The closing thought is a promise from the Bible that God will carry you in your old age. Sherrie then shares her story about lessons she learned about age from the foxglove plant.
Sign up: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1758160/8810553All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge
