Episodes
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What is “Shadow Work”?
Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable.
This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.
Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life.
The Enneagram and Shadow WorkThe Enneagram is a powerful tool for understanding our personality and the shadow parts we hide. Each of the nine Enneagram types has qualities that are often suppressed and those that are highlighted.
Understanding your Enneagram type helps you identify the specific qualities you tend to suppress, offering a roadmap for targeted Shadow Work.
Enneagram Test Link: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Type One: The Reformer
Persona: To be good, to have integrity
Shadowed Parts: Anger, imperfection
deny spontaneous behavior, fun, and anger as resentment.
Let your hair down, be carefree
Highlighted: Responsibility, correctness
Famous People: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson
Type Two: The Helper
Persona: To be loved, to be needed
Shadowed Parts: Own needs, selfishness
deny their own needs, own creativity and individuality.
explore your own wants and needs. Find their own authenticity and individuality. Say no and find self identity.
Highlighted: Generosity, helpfulness
Famous People: Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Oprah Winfrey
Type Three: The Achiever
Persona: To be valuable, to be admired
Shadowed Parts: Failure, inauthenticity
deny effectiveness over efficiency, ability to fail, telling themselves the truth
Be honest about limits, be ok with failing, reclaim your genuine self.
Highlighted: Success, efficiency
Famous People: Tom Cruise, Taylor Swift
Type Four: The Individualist
Persona: To find themselves, to be unique
Shadowed Parts: Ordinariness, envy
deny confidence, courage, happiness, being normal and similar
pull out positivity and goodness they have, be ok being ok, look to be positive
Famous People: Frida Kahlo, Prince, Johnny Depp
Type Five: The Investigator
Persona: To understand, to be competent
Shadowed Parts: Dependency, emptiness
deny connection with others, emotional focus and feel, ok not knowing
Be ok not proving around others, don't need all the answers, embrace and do emotional health work.
Highlighted: Knowledge, independence
Famous People: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates
Type Six: The Loyalist
Persona: To be secure, to be supported
Shadowed Parts: Doubt, fear
deny being ok with unknown, living in the now, trust self and others
Trust self, practice being present, let go over worry and know future outcomes.
Highlighted: Loyalty, responsibility
Famous People: Mark Twain, Ellen DeGeneres, J.R.R. Tolkien
Type Seven: The Enthusiast
Persona: To be satisfied, to be content
Shadowed Parts: Pain, limitation
deny simplicity, being bored/still, consistency and structure
Focus, structure, being ok in simple tasks and simple life.
Highlighted: Joy, adventure
Famous People: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Branson
Type Eight: The Challenger
Persona: To be in control, to protect themselves
Shadowed Parts: Vulnerability, weakness
deny need to be vulnerable, sensitivity, or ask for help.
ask for help, be vulnerable, trust more, find innocence around creatures and kids, child likeness. Soften selves
Highlighted: Strength, leadership
Famous People: Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Serena Williams, and Reid Horn
Type Nine: The Peacemaker
Persona: To have inner peace, to avoid conflict
Shadowed Parts: Conflict, assertiveness
deny in the shadow their anger. Knowing your own wants and passions.
explore and feel anger. Find what you want, see conflict as necessary and inevitable.
Highlighted: Harmony, acceptance
Famous People: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Keanu Reeves
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Shadow Work (Part 2)
Today, we're diving into a topic that’s as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity.
Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being “too excited” or “too hyper” could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," “Good kids are seen and not heard” you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is “too much,” his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships.
This brings us to the idea of the Shadow.
The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable.
This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn’t have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues.
But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential.
Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We’ll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration.
What is “Shadow Work”?Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable.
As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it.
How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma.
Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow."
Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time.
This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.
Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life.
Eragon Book Series concept of “True Names”
Defining Repression Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond. Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance. This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you. Defining Suppression If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present. Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak." Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are. I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20’s or in their 70’s. They have held onto the things they’ve learned the “should do” in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity. This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up. Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures. The Impact of Repression and Suppression Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression.Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential.
In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction. Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light?The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It’s about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life.
Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others.
Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him.
The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn’t fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness.
The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.
Identifying Your Shadow
Self-Reflection Techniques
What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves?
When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this?
What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this?
Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self.
Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness.
Common Signs and Triggers
Where you react, there lies a shadowed part. Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen.
Building A Relationship with Our Parts
When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part. Be curious and non-judgmental with that part. Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself. Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you.
ConclusionToday, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.
Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self.
Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives.
What’s next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach.
I’ve created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit www.horncounseling.org/tms to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal.
Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform.
Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We’d love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.
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Missing episodes?
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The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable. This is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids. But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to inauthenticity.
Resources we mentioned to start engaging in your own shadow work:
Book:
Men's Work by Connor Beaton
Falling Upward by Richard Rohr
Podcast:
https://omny.fm/shows/mantalks/weekly-training-what-is-the-shadow#sharing
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Chapter #7 Suicide
The word “”committed” is usually used in the context of crimes.
2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women.
Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118
Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It’s a sign of a mind that needs help. 114
The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118
There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119
Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org
Chapter #8 Complicated Relationships
Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous
However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129
People are who they are, and they don’t change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130
This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship.
We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131
What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving?
My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134
Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134
In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt.
Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain. This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process.
Four Types of Forgiveness:
1. Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself.
2. Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity
3. Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person’s character or action.
4. Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment.
This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1.
Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?” Pg 137
Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving
1. Picture the person as an infant.
2. Think of them growing up and someone hurting them.
3. Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life.
4. Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here.
When I recognize I’m human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138
This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness. This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action.
One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; “I think I’ll be a real jerk today.” Pg. 139
It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for “them”. It is for you. Pg. 139
In chapter #9
There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy: pg. 158
1. Their relationships grow stronger.
2. They discover new purposes in life.
3. They find inner strength.
4. Spirituality is deepened.
5. They renew their appreciation for life.
Chapter #10 Miscarriage and Infant Lose
Even our dictionaries often include the word “failure” in the definition of miscarriage.
Try to understand that while your partner may grieve differently from you, they still deserve a grief process that is treated with sensitivity and respect. Lean on each other during this difficult time, and give each other grace.
How can they say goodbye when they’ve never had a chance to say hello? They are grieving for what could have been
Chapter #11 Illnesses of Our Mind: Mental Illness and Addiction
My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone. Anne Lamott 171
Addiction should no longer be seen as a moral failing or a lack of willpower. It is a medical problem, an illness that leads to a progressively worsening chronic condition, and one that is particularly hard to fight, because the drugs involved attack the brain of users, the very organ that helps us fight other dangers to our survival. The same can be said for mental illness. We can’t tell a person who is mentally ill or addicted to use his/her brain to help himself recover, because the brain is a diseased organ. Pg 175
The Three C’s of Al-Anon pg. 177
1. We didn’t cause it
2. We cannot control it
3. We cannot cure it
Sometimes the most meaningful realization in the loss of grief is our loss of control.
Meaning is everywhere if you look for it. Pg 178
Addiction is about numbness. When you’re addicted, that numbness allows you to ignore the danger, to think that you’re in control when you’re using. And even when you are sober, you may still be numb to the danger and relapse. We understand the relapse is part of recovery. Pg 185
Chapter #12 More Love Than Pain
I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. Anne Frank
The common belief is that grief is all about pain. Anyone who has been in grief would certainly agree with that. But I believe there is more. There is love. Why do we believe that the pain we feel is about the absence of love? The love didn’t die when the person we love died. It didn’t disappear. It remains.
The question is: How do we learn to remember that person with more love than pain… There is not getting around the pain. We have to go through it because it is an inevitable result of the separation we are experiencing. It’s a brutal, forced separation. Pg 191
The pain you feel is proportionate to the love you had. The deeper you loved the deeper the pain. But you will find that love exists on the other side of the pain. It’s actually the face of pain.
My thought - Love doesn’t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain.
You can’t heal what you can’t feel. P 192
Get in touch with the feeling, let it speak to you, let it go through you and then be done with it.
If you’re sad, you need to stay with the sadness and feel it full. If you have a hundred tears to cry don’t stop at fifty. The secret to remembering with love begins with accepting the pain, not trying to deny it or ignore it. Pg 192
No matter how deeply spiritual or religious we are, sometimes we want to be left in the humanness of our pain. 193
Whenever you are talking about your loss, do you want the spiritual response, the human response or both? Pg 193
Those of us who have lost someone dear do need to be in pain. Pg 193
Feeling the pain is a necessary part of remembering the love. The pain is part of the love. We can’t love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away. Pa 195
Grief may be postponed but it cannot be eradicated. Pg 195
Buffalo run into a storm, thus minimizing how long it will last Pg 196
The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of the grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of the pain. Pg. 196
We are made up of love. We are the sum total of love. If I’ve ever felt one moment of real love in my life, that can be with me in my most terrifying moments. Love never dies. In our darkest moments love remains. When everything else is gone, love continues. Pg 197
What we appreciate, appreciates. 198
The Three Steps To Taking In The Good (Rick Hanson) 199
1. Identify a positive experience or memory
2. Enrich it. Savor it. Intensify it.
3. Absorb the experience. Sink into it and let it sink into you.
Pain is never the whole story. We may get lost in it for a while, but there’s always something more. Pg 200
Love Bursts – a surge of love that comes from a memory of a person.
When we move through pain and we release it, we fear there will be nothing, but the truth is, when the pain is gone we are connected only in love. Kessler says, “Though much of my work is about giving people permission to grieve fully after a loss, I also want to give them permission to keep loving. 202
Love doesn’t stop with death. A body dies but love doesn’t. page 202
Love doesn’t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain.
You can’t heal what you can’t feel. P 192 Feel the pain, experience the love. I find that when I reflect on the people I have lost that if I concentrate for just a bit I can still feel their love
Look for small seeds of love in pain. Just like a delicate plant, we have to pay attention to it and nourish it. If we do, the love will flower once again in our hearts. Pg 202
Chapter #13 Legacy
In 2010 Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet created a Giving Pledge, a campaign to encourage billionaires to commit to donating half or more of their wealth to philanthropic causes during their lifetime. Pg 205
Each of us affects many people throughout our lives. The movie It’s a Wonderful Life does a brilliant job of helping us realize how many people we affect in our lives without realizing it. Pg 206
Write down their memories in a memory book to share with friends and family. They can continue to observe traditions and visit places that were meaningful to that person. Pg 209
Missing them is part of the remembering them, and how you remember your loved one is part of their legacy. Pg209
Visiting a place that was special to our loved ones helps us remember and connects us to their legacies. Pg 210
Ensuring that the good qualities of your loved one will live on in your own life is perhaps the most meaningful of all legacies. Pg 211
We grieve as a tribe and we’re always modeling for that tribe. Pg 212
Ultimately our loved ones belongings can become a trap when se find ourselves unable to part with them… What I have learned from my work is that as we decrease the outer evidence that our loved ones lived, we must increase the evidence inside of us. Pg215
I help people understand that they themselves are the biggest piece of evidence of their loved one’s lives.
As you think about how to do something meaningful with the things that are in your possession, I encourage you to photograph those things you care about before letting them go. I’ve found that you can get the same emotional reaction from a photo as you do from the item itself. Pg217
You are also beginning to process the reconstruction of your own life. Nothing will return you to the way you were before you lost your loved one. But everything you do to help his legacy flourish and grow will help you grow, too.
Chapter #14 Grieving to Believing: The Afterlife
Just as birth is about a change in the mother’s connection to the infant who was once inside of her, so is death a change in our relationship to the person who is no longer here but still lives within us. Death does not end a relationship, it changes it. Pg220 Expand on this below.
In a mother’s womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: “Do you believe in the life after this world?”
The second baby replied, “Why of course. There has to be something after this world.”
“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after this world. What would that life be? The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after this would be impossible. The umbilical cord is too short. There can’t be a world after this one.”
The second baby held his ground. “I think there is something, and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we’ll see each other there.”
The first baby replied, “If there is another world, no one has ever come back from there. Leaving here is the end of life and after delivery, there will be nowhere to go and nothing but darkness.”
Well, I don’t know,” said the twin. “But certainly we’ll see Mother and she will take care of us.”
“Mother?” The first baby guffawed. “You believe in a mother? An all-powerful, intelligent being that makes all this happen? Where is she now?”
The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. “She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her, there would not be a world.”
“Ha. I don’t see her, so it’s only logical that she doesn’t exist.”
To which the other replied, “Sometimes when you’re in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after this world.”
Writing a good-bye letter may be a terrible idea because the relationship has not ended. Writing a transformation letter may be effective Pg 220
The Five Stages of Grief were never meant to be an end unto themselves, and completion of them wasn’t supposed to signify the ending of the relationship or grief. There is a continuing evolution in the relationship pg. 221
When someone dies the relationship doesn’t die with them. You have to learn how to have new relationships with them. You can still keep learning from them in your everyday life. Pg 221 I have seen my wife do this with her grandmother in asking how she would approach a certain situation with the wisdom and candor that her grandmother still provides.
You’re not closing the door on a relationship with the person who died. You don’t ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close. You’re opening the door to a different relationship. Remaining connected to your loved one in grief is not “unhealthy grieving.” It’s normal. In death, our attachments continue, as does the love. The connections continue to evolve. Pg222
“My mother’s and my relationship has improved a great deal in the twenty years since she passed away. I think I’ve learned to understand her and look at her with more compassion.” Pg223
There are three phenomena encountered by those dying: pg. 226
1. Visions – looking into the world to come.
2. Getting ready to go on ‘a trip’
3. Crowded rooms.
Three possible options for viewing the afterlife: Pg 227
1. They have an awareness of you. They see you grieving.
2. They are no longer in touch with this world.
3. They died, and their consciousness became nothing.
One focus – We should grieve fully and then live fully.
We were put on this earth for such a short time and we will never get to experience this life again. So why don’t we think about how much one more day would mean in our own lives? Pg 228
In the face of great losses life goes on. The world keeps spinning. The seasons change. Every storm gives way to a clear new day. Despite our losses we continue… Love and life remain within us and the potential for meaning is always there. 228
Either all deaths matter or none of them do. Pg238
The worst kind of loss is your loss Pg 238
Acknowledge the power of grief Pg 239
Broken heart syndrome is a temporary disruption of your heart’s normal pumping function, often brought on by a surge of stress hormones triggered by a serious event, such as the death of a loved one… Women are more likely to have broken heart syndrome, but anyone over fifty-five is at a higher risk. Pg 240
If we shut our ears out of hurt and anger, we will miss it. Pg 244
Martin Seligman 3 P’s that can shape our world after loss
1. Personalization – you blame yourself for it, or feel like the only one who has ever suffered such a tragic loss
2 Pervasiveness – you believe that a negative event will destroy everything in your life
3. Permanence – you believe that the effects of a loss or a disaster will last forever.
No one likes or wants this new normal Pg. 245
The phrase “I don’t know how you are doing it”. I tell them I am not. I have just decided to be a part of ongoing life.
What would best honor the years they didn’t get? That could be one way of bringing meaning to our lives without them.
Pg248
People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your life in a way that will honor theirs. It requires a decision and a desire to do this, but finding meaning is not extraordinary, it is ordinary. It happens all the time all over the world. Pg 248
There are people who walk this earth in awe of the life around them. They are not people who have had a perfect life. The truth is they are often the ones who have had a lot of tragedy. Pg 248
There are magical moments to be had with our living loved ones now. Our job is to find them and cherish them. Through them, we can still find sweetness in the world. Pg 249
There are challenges to finding meaning. Every moment we are making choices-whether to move toward healing or to stay stuck in pain. Like all the other stages, the sixth stage of grief requires movement. We can’t move into the future without leaving the past. We have to say goodbye to the life we had and say yes to the future. Pg 249
Ask yourself, “Who would I be if I changed and grew with this loss? More important, who will you be if you don’t? 249
Now that your loved one has died, who are you? Pg 249
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Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After
In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.
David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning.
What is Grief?
Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.
Chapter #4 The First Step in Finding Meaning:
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer. Albert Camus pg. 67
On retreats on day #1 – write a letter to your past. Day #2 write a letter to your future self. It starts with a blank piece of paper but your future isn’t written yet. You are the writer. Not your past, not your losses, not death. But you are the creator of your future… Don’t let your past dictate your future. Pg 70
The story you tell yourself repeatedly becomes your meaning. Pg 71
Original Meaning Transformed vs. New Meaning:
The death happened to me. vs. Death happens.
I’m a victim. vs. I am a victor because I have survived a loss.
This death was a punishment. vs. Death is usually random.
Why did this happen to me? vs. Everyone gets something this lifetime.
It happened because of something vs. There was nothing I could have done.
My story is the saddest one vs. My story had very sad parts.
Your life will never be the same but happiness again is still possible. Never being happy again is a statement about the future and no one can predict the future. All they can know for sure is that they are unhappy today. It helps to say, “I’m unhappy today.” and leave it at that. Pg 72
Whatever thoughts you water are thoughts that will grow. Pg 73
Perhaps it is time to put down the mirror and pick up the binoculars. (Telescope, microscope) * MVVP book reference
I look at the meaning the person is giving the event and then I help them change the meaning, not the event. The event is not going to be any different, but the meaning can be, and this can help them to deal with the loss. Pg 76
The reality is that no two people will ever react to an event in the same way. How you respond will depend upon the meaning you see in it. And like all perceptions of meaning, this will be influenced not just by the event itself, but also by your cultural background, your family, religion, temperament and life experience. Meaning comes from all that has made you who you are. Pg 77
Where is your loved on now? Is a good question but also “When are they?” They are no longer in the moment. They are past suffering pg. 77
Allowing yourself only to focus on the past, however miserably, can seem easier, more comfortable, than deciding to live fully in the world without your loved one. Pg 79
Underneath the reluctance to live or love again is fear. Pg 79
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for” John A. Shield.
When we are grieving, we want to stay in the harbor. It’s a good place to be for a while. It’s where we refuel, rebuild and repair. But we are meant to find new adventures… Pg 80
As the Buddha says, “if you are a lamp for someone else, it will brighten your path.”
The parable of the long spoons:
A person is ushered into a banquet hall There are rows of tables laden with platters of sumptuous food, but the people seated around the tables are pale and emaciated, moaning in hunger. As he gets closer, he sees that each person is holding a spoon. But the spoon is so long he can’t get the food to his mouth. Everyone is starving in agony.
The person is then taken to another banqueting area where he encounters the same feasting arrangement he encountered in the first hall. There is again a cornucopia of food but here the people seated at the tables are cheerfully talking and eating because the long spoons are being used to feed each other.
Taking the challenges, impairments and predicaments that we have been given (the long spoons of our lives) and using them to help others can really give meaning to those challenges, impairments and predicaments and can help nourish and nurture others while we receive the same for ourselves
Chapter #5 The Decision
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver Pg 83
Not making a decision is a decision. Healing does not allow for neutrality. It’s an active process, not a passive one.
We have to participate in our own healing not just expect it to happen.
Living is different from being alive. Pg 83
The decision to live fully is about being present for life, no matter how hard life is at the moment. It’s about what you are made of, not what happens to you. Pg 84
C.S Lewis said in his book The Problem with Pain, “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.”
Make a conscious decision to live, not just be alive. Pg 85
When an elephant grows up, it’ll clearly be strong enough to break the rope, but because by then it has learned that struggling is useless, and it will no longer attempt to pull up the small peg or break the rope. Pg 88
“Till death do us part” The marriage contract ends at death. It is done. No one’s vow includes the afterlife. Pg 90
Sometimes we need help making the decision to say our goodbyes to them in life and move our loved ones into our hearts in death. Pg 92
No matter how long you were together, it’s not enough time but the love you shared is not gone. It lives within you as a part of you. The experience of love that you had can never be destroyed or changed by a new love. That love will exist forever in its own time, in its own way in your heart. But more love can be available to you if you desire. Your heart can have many loves in its lifetime. A new love can grow out of the same soil without diminishing a past love. You still have life. Pg 94
At times, our challenge is a new love; other times it is a new life. Pg 94
We often don’t realize that the decision to live is an active one that requires our participation. Pg 95
We are capable of more love throughout our life than we realize. “95 Make the decision to do so
Broken crayons still color. Pg 96
Part II The Challenges in Grieving
Chapter #6 Finding Meaning in Why
New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. Lao-tzu Pg 99
You woke up for a reason this morning, and that reason is for the purpose of finding meaning in your life. P102
Small moments can have big meaning.
Everything you do has the potential for meaning. P103
We affect others in ways we will never know, often by simply being ourselves. Pg104
Whatever the reason, when there’s guilt, there’s a demand for punishment, so survivors will often punish themselves or attract people who will do it for them. Pg 104
You will always be connected to your son but you don’t have to be connected to the pain. You can connect in love. Pg 107
When we don’t have a why we tend to jump in and play God. We tell ourselves, “ I could have prevented his death,” or “It should have been me.” This means we are attributing to ourselves the power that we don’t have. Pg. 108
To begin to heal you must give the power back to God, the universe, fate, or whatever you believe in. That might mean you begin to acknowledge your anger at God. I believe God is big enough to handle your anger and rage. Pg 109
The why you must answer is not why your loved one died, but why you lived. Why are you here?
Turn the why into how or what. How can I move on from here? What meaning can I find for living?
Why’s build walls and we can bump into the wall time and time again and not have the answer to the why. As a matter of fact it can even seems that every time we ask why we put another brick on the wall.. If that is the case change the question to how. Where why questions build walls how questions build bridges. How can I move on from here? If I give up answering the why I can then accept the way things are in the present and move on from there. The how question helps me to move on. How can I move on from here even if I don’t know the why.
The life that was lost was precious. If we have been granted more time, shouldn’t we believe that our life is also precious? Pg111
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Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After
In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.
David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning.
What is Grief?
Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.
Part I – Every Loss Has Meaning
Chapter #1 What is Meaning?
The person who sees death as sacred has found a way to find meaning in it. Pg 14
Kessler references Victor Frankl’s cornerstone work, Man’s Search for Meaning. Kessler says that this book is a beacon for those who wonder how meaning can emerge from tragedy… Frankl suggested that when we are faced with a situation that is hopeless and unchangeable, “we are challenged then to change ourselves”. When we make the choice to change ourselves, we can turn tragedy into an occasion for growth. Pg 14
The hope that we find in individual situations of grief leads to a life full of meaning. As we move from one grief to the next, one disappointment to the next all the while we are challenged to change.
Grief doesn’t get smaller over time, we get bigger. Pg 15
Pain, death, and loss never feel good, but they’re unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is posttraumatic growth happens more than posttraumatic stress. 15
Whenever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals. Pg15
Vision from the great Avengers of Marvel Comics says “What is grief, if not love persevering?”
Chapter #2 Grief Must Be Witnessed
Each person’s grief is as unique as his or her fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining. Pg 29
Sitting shiva in Jewish culture seems to get the idea of grieving. For a time period of 3 to 7 days friends and family come to the mourners home and just sit with the people in grief. They say nothing unless they are spoken too. They are just present for the people that are grieving. This really is what grieving while having a witness is all about. Just being present. Just being seen.
But in our hyper-busy world, grief has been minimized and sanitized. Pg 30
we have diluted it because it’s scary to think about our own death. We like things we can control and we can control our busyness. We are very egocentric and attached to this life. We don't like not knowing exactly what awaits us in the next life.
Grief should unite us. It is a universal experience. 30
The act of witnessing someone’s vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgment. (Great theme statement for AMG) 31
Grief is what’s going on inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. Pg31
When people ask me how long they’re going to grieve I ask them, “How long is your love one going to be dead?” That’s how long. I don’t mean you will be in pain forever but you will never forget that person. 31
Loss can become more meaningful-and more bearable- when reflected and reflected accurately, in another’s eyes. 33
If the love is real, the grief is real pg. 34
Good interaction exercise – Have two people who are grieving stand facing each other and place their hands over their own hearts. Then look into each other’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” This kind of witnessing of another’s vulnerability can be very healing. Pg 34
As I read this in the book I found myself tearing up when thinking of the grief I have experienced with others. My wife and I created A Grief Workshop for a large church that we served on staff with early in our careers. I wish that I would have known of this exercise when we were developing this workshop. How powerful to look into another’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.”
Something goes out of alignment when we try to avoid sadness and grief. 35
Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain of others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul. Pg 35
Life has peaks and valleys. It’s our responsibility to be present for both. Pg 35
“The time will come when memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes” That’s how it goes, pain first, meaning later. Pg 41
Having grief witnessed is about making loss real. Pg 42
When we feel it, we release it and we can be free. Pg 44
(My rephrasing– When we feel it, we can feel free to release it.)
Funerals and memorials are important. Something profound happens when others see and hear and acknowledge our grief. Pg 44
Two things bring us together: 1. Love 2. Suffering
Our children, just like us, need their pain witnessed, and a funeral is important to them. Pg 46
We are not meant to be islands of grief. The reality is that we heal as a tribe. Pg 47
We see this often in men’s groups as men invite other men to connect with them by sharing their loss and grief openly.
Chapter #3 The Meaning of Death
Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete. Victor Frankl. Pg. 49
The death shapes the grief. Pg 49
I often teach that in grief, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pg 51
Writing proves helpful in processing our grief pg. 52 Journaling seems especially helpful in the processing of grief
Kessler says that writing proves helpful in three ways:
1. It examines causes and consequences. People who write use more words and phrases like: because, understand, realize, and work through.
When we examine writing we use our arm and our hand which is between our head, the center of our thoughts and our heart or out our gut (which in eastern thinking is the center of our emotions.) So by writing we are expressing our thoughts and our feelings. When we further examine this we also realize that writing engages the two hemispheres of our brain, the left hemisphere which is responsible for language and speech and the right hemisphere which plays a large part in the interpreting the visual information and spatial processing.
So in writing it is rather like lining up the crosshairs of a scope. We bring into alignment thoughts and feelings and language and processing.
2. There is a shift in perspective. From I and me to he and she and then to us
It is important to remember there is not us and them. It is just us and we all experience grief.That which is most personal is most universal
3. Finding positive meaning in the traumatic experience.
The way we view death reflects how we look at life.
Death most often is thought of as a failure. Listen to how we speak of it: She succumbed to the illness, He lost the battle with cancer, and they didn’t make it. Pg55
Apparently, no matter how great our life, we are destined to fail in the end. That doesn’t have to be our understanding of either life or death, however. Pg 56
Fear doesn’t stop death. Fear does stop life, however, but it doesn’t have to. If we allow ourselves to live with the consciousness of death, it will enrich us by making us understand how precious life is. Pg 56
But painful as it is, if we can view the approach of death as a reminder to us to value every moment, we can find new sources of meaning. Pg 58
Death makes life valuable. Pg 58
This life is a limited time offer. Pg 58
My mantra is “What’s meaningful?” I ask it all the time. Pg 60
What presence is worthy of my essence?
What’s meaningful can change our experience of imminent death… But for so many the last chapter of life is not the most interesting one, or the most important. We almost see it as a meaningless, “throwaway” part of life. Instead of using the precious time to complete relationships, to express our love, we allow the final chapter to become the series of medical issues to be conquered; a frantic search for a cure when one is no longer possible. Pg 62
Everything that lives must die. But while life has to end, love doesn’t. Pg. 64
The end of your loved one’s life is not the end of your relationships, since your love lives on. Pg 65
Instead of sitting in the room with their loved one staring at them when they are unconscious or sleeping try turning to face away from them so you can start practicing their presence without being able to rely on sight. Pg 65
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Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After
In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.
David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning.
What is Grief?
Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.
Grief is something in our culture that we often don’t know how to approach. And until its on happening to us or someone we love. we typically don’t like to think about death or talk about it.
The Original Five Stages of grief by Kubler-Ross:
Denial - This isn’t happening to me Anger - Why is this happening to me? Bargaining - What can I change to stop this happening to me? Depression - There isn’t anything I can do to stop this happening to me. Acceptance - I take this for what it is even if I don’t want it.The 6th stage proposed by Kessler is Meaning.
What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change. (Pg. 3)
Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for them after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. (Pg. 7)
Thoughts that may guide in understanding meaning: (Pg. 7)
Meaning is relative and personal. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen. Only you can find your own meaning. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories.Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow. (Pg. 9)
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Introduction
How effective are resolutions? Do they work?
Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution.
In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others.
Often New Year’s resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations.
The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come
up with another solution because the first solution didn’t work.
Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to….
Lose Weight and Get Fit Quit Smoking Learn Something New Eat Healthier and Diet Save MoneyHowever, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change.
These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions.
If resolutions don’t work, what is the solution?
Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution.
Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion.
There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves.
We compare ourselves to others
Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts.
One of the guys in AMG said the social media is “Air B & B” It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging.
Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself.
They are either about being the victim or being the victor.
Illustration - Comparison of finances
People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000
People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy.
We compare ourselves to ourselves.
This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves.
There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future.
Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words ‘more’ and “need to” come into play:
How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or
How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting?
How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape?
How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed?
How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good?
How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual?
How many more dollars do I need to make to be content?
How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful?
How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on.
The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something
We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be. We are always comparing another time other than the present
Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our “perfect” selves.
Such resolutions do not work. So back to the original question, “What is the solution to resolutions?”
The solution is not found in comparison but found in compassion again two types of compassion but in reverse order 1. Compassion for self and 2. Compassion for others.
Compassion for Self
We cannot help but compare that is why we need compassion.
Compassion doesn’t sound very manly, valiant, macho or ballsy when we first say it but if we really stop and think about the word compassion does stir something deep inside of us.
We actually need two types of compassion (present compassion and intentional compassion)
If we give ourselves compassion, we will find that we would not be so hard on ourselves
If we are kind to ourselves, we will have the kind of life we desire.
If we love ourselves, we will find ways to express this love in what we do.
Instead of measuring the results look for ways that are pleasurable expressions.
Transform Obligation To Inspiration
Compassion for Others
Transform Getting into Giving
Just stop for a few seconds here and focus inside on the word ‘compassion’...
(Hesitate for a count of 5)
It stirs something in us doesn’t it. Something inside of me starts to look outward for someone in need.
It is like we are summoning passion. Come passion
Transform getting acknowledged into giving acknowledgment to others.
We can’t give what we don’t have.
If I have compassion for myself, I will have compassion for others. If I love myself and then love others. The key to loving others is to love myself. The key to having compassion for others is to be self-compassionate.
Some would say that this will lead to narcissism. Actually, just the opposite is true because true self compassion and self-love will always overflow into relationships for it cannot be contained. Narcissism is about keeping it all for self. Self-love cannot be contained.
Instead of comparison we realize that we are all fellow strugglers on our own journey.
Conclusion
Compassion is not an arrival point. It is a resolution every day.
Commit to this solution by stating:
I will make commitments that are not about comparisons to others or to my perfect self. Instead, I will live in compassion and self-love. I will give that compassion and love expression to myself and to others. This is the solution to resolutions. It is not about being more or achieving more. It is about giving expression to who I already am.
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In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.
In this podcast we continue this conversation and give 4 key factors of how to start unlocking our authentic self.
Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an Authenticity Inventory back in 2000 comprised of four key factors needed for authenticity:
They came up with a technical description of authenticity as "the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise."
People who score high in authenticity are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits.
They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.
The authentic self isn't always pretty. It's just real.
Authenticity Displayed in Four Key Factors of Activity:
1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.
2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame. Which is easier said then done. That where AMG helps me.
3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.
4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.
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In this podcast we talk about what it is like to live authentically during the holidays. We reference the 8 qualities and how we personally will look to incorporate these into our holidway experience with friends and family.
8 Qualities of Authenticity:
Curiosity Calm Clarity Connectedness Confidence Courage Creativity Compassion -
In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.
Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant
Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown
The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world.
Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good.
You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself? Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth.
We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities:
Curiosity
Calm
Clarity
Connectedness
Confidence
Courage
Creativity
Compassion
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Regretfully Yours (Part 2)
The Four Categories of Regret from part 1 are:
1. Foundational Regrets - “If only I had more…”
2. Boldness Regrets - “If only took a risk …”
3. Moral Regret - “If I had that decision back I would have…”
4. Connection Regrets - “If I would have stayed connected to…”
How to Respond to Regret:
1. Be Aware of it (this is what the first podcast was dedicated to)
Identify them in detail Explore why we have them. The keys to awareness2. Express it - Do not deny regrets but express them with a select few trusted confidants.
Disclosing our regrets. Be vulnerable for it:
Releases some of the burden Begins making sense of the process when we begin to articulate Creates bonds to others who can relate and empathize. Eliminate isolation for regret grows in isolation.3. Embrace it - Make it matter because it does.
To flippantly let on it doesn’t mean anything is a sure way to have it hang around.We can’t transcend something we don’t embrace.
Feel the pain but don’t let it turn to shame, acknowledge the hurt but don't let it turn into guilt. When we embrace it we can learn to embrace ourselves with self compassion, self- kindness and self-acceptance knowing that we are good men capable of doing things we may regret.4. Transform it - renew it, reshape it, remold it, redo it, reconstruct it, rebuild it, recast it, reorder it, reframe it, reorganize it, restyle it. Just ‘re’ it.
Turn a bad decision into good data. Turn a bad decision of something we did into a healthy expression of who we really are.The Benefits of Regret:
1. Sharpens our decision making skills for the future. “I won’t do that again”
2. Secures our performance on a range of tasks. The more we do the more we get to do but if we let our regrets of the past hold us back we won’t try things which by the way is one of the four categories of regrets. Don’t measure our worth based on our performance but based on our character. As we often say in AMG. “You are a good man”
3. Strengthens our sense of meaning and connectedness. We realize that we all are strugglers. I am a fellow struggle with every other human struggler on the planet. We are all just trying to find our way and sometimes that way is found through regret.
4. Shows us what we really want in that if we did the opposite of what we regret we would have a sense of fulfillment. The camera negative
We encourage you to talk about your regrets openly and find the freedom of vulnerability and authenticity.
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Regret is one of our most powerful feelings and regrettably one of the most misunderstood.
Regret covers a myriad of circumstances from wishing we would have eaten oatmeal instead of the cinnamon danish this morning for breakfast to feeling remorse for not telling a loved one how much we loved them before they died.
The Four Categories of Regret:
1. Foundational Regrets - did not make choices that give enough stability and security
Not saving enough money or not paying attention to health.
“If only I had more…”
2. Boldness Regrets - did not take a chance on doing something I should have
Starting a business, not asking someone out, not speaking up
“If only took a risk …”
People who took risks and failed still were glad they took the risk because it taught them something
3. Moral Regret - did something they should not have or did not do something they should have
Affairs, bullying, stealing, cheating
“If I had that decision back I would have…”
4. Connection Regrets - did not stay in touch and as a result we drifted apart.
Disassociated with family and/or friends
“If I would have stayed connected to…”
It is not too late to reach out and awkwardness is most often rewarding to those who take the initiative.
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Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.
In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.
Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.
Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.
This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.
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Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.
In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.
Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.
Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.
This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.
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In this podcast we discuss how to be assertive in our #5-#7 circles of relationships paradigm. These circles consist of work, giving, boundaries, possesions and coping mechanisms of life.
Circle #5 – The Mandatory Relationships (work and to do lists)
Assertiveness in the workplace means being confident in communicating our opinions, suggestions, challenges and desires. It means representing ourselves well in the company while representing the company well.
It is about making conflict about the problem or challenge that is important to face in order to make it a better workplace.
It is about trusting if the authenticity of the company is worthy of personal authenticity.
Circle #6 – The Peripheral Relationship
Boundaries are important in these relationships.
There are two different categories in this circle:
The people who have hurt The people who will take from us.Give no energy to our enemies.
It’s not harsh to be assertive, it’s harsher when people take advantage of you. Janna Cachola
Don’t argue with someone because they have a difference of opinion unless we are willing to argue with ourselves in 10 years when your changes.
Be assertive in our research of where we will give.
Be assertive with our giving.
We have three things to give; energy, time and resources.
Circle #7 - Temporal
Are the things that help us cope or give us status. These relationships are attached to a materialistic or consumer based culture. They add a temporal fix and try to satisfy the inner by the outer.
Addictions - Alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling - Guys who struggle with addictions are often trying to change the behavior.
Get assertive about the desire or want that is present. Identify the core issue.
This is a number Circle #1 issue not a Circle #7 issue.
Be assertive about understanding ourselves
Get assertive about what is enough personally.
Get assertive about what it means to have a good life. Define this for ourselves and don’t let our culture define it for us.
Practical Notes of Application
1. Communicate clearly and directly: Speak in a clear and confident tone, and use specific language to express your thoughts and feelings.
- Keep it short, clear and censer
2. Stand up for yourself: Don't be afraid to speak up when you feel that your rights or needs are being disregarded or ignored.
- Know your values and priorities and then communicate them. Communicate what you do want. Example: I would love to go but I am going to hang out with my family.
3. Use "I" statements: When expressing your thoughts and feelings, use "I" statements to take ownership of them. For example, instead of saying "you're wrong," say "I disagree."
4. Respect others' opinions: While being assertive, it's important to respect others' opinions, even if you don't agree with them.
5. Listen actively: Listen to others' opinions and concerns and acknowledge them.
6. Be flexible: Be willing to compromise and negotiate in order to find a solution that works for everyone.
7. Practice confidence: Believe in yourself and your abilities, and practice assertive behavior in different situations.
8. Seek professional help: If you're having trouble being assertive, consider seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist.
Use DESC model by Sharon and Gordon Brower in book asserting yourself.
Describe the behavior that affecting you
Express emotion I am feeling
Solution that may help
Conclusion or consequence if something doesn’t change.
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ASSERTIVENESS IN THE ESSENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS OF LIFE
In this podcast we discuss the importance of using assertiveness in the essential relationships in our life. We use the paradigm Circle of Relationships.
Circle #1 – The SOURCE Relationship
It is where I discover self.
It is the internal and the eternal.
It is where I find my purpose and passion
Know what we want personally and fulfill that desire.
The only time to let people put you in a box is just before your funeral.
Self-awareness is the key to self-assertiveness
The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can’t teach others how to respect me if I haven’t learned what there is to respect about myself.
It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.
Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are. Shakti Gawain.
Once we know what we want and we can express that in relationship. If we don’t, staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul.
Circle #2 – The Intimate Partner Relationship
This is where we express the deepest self in the deepest way to another individual. This is the place of emotional and physical intimacy and is where sexual expression is made. It is one relationship that is committed and communicative. It the relationship of deepest authenticity and vulnerability.
If we meet our own needs we can approach the intimate relationship with openness in communication. Communication is ‘seeking to understand before being understood’. When we have met our own needs with assertiveness we can approach the relationship communicating what we desire in a connected and intimate relationship.
Be assertive while being attentive.
Sex is a key focus in this and we can approach it with assertiveness and submission. Good sex is when it is difficult to tell who is enjoying the most, the one who is submitting or the one who is dominant and then reversing those roles to continue the intimate adventure.
Some of the most miserable men I have had in my office are those who have lived by the mantra of ‘a happy wife makes a happy life’
Circle #3 and 4 - Friendships, Family
Circle #3 – The Select Few Relationships
These are relationships of deepest bond and devotion
Here is where I experience vulnerability and validity without sexuality.
They establish earnest trust and are the best frienships of life.
Circle #4 – The Few
These are people I do life with. They are there for support in the celebratory and sad events of life.
These are the people that are going to be there at funerals and weddings.
I can be authentic but often not vulnerable in these relationships
What is good the personal is good for the couple is good for the family.
Conclusion
Practicing assertiveness in all of the Circle of Relationships will be a constant struggle.
Some relationships will require us to be more aggressive, some relationships will require us to be more passive.
We can have confidence in this, we won’t get it right all the time.
If we humbly acknowledge this we can move toward healthy growth in our assertiveness and this can have a beneficial effect on our circle of relationships from the inside out.
For more information on the circle of relationships check out our podcasts below:
Circle 1:
https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/20787b4e/the-1-relationship-source
Circle 2:
https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/1a64511e/the-2-relationship-significant-other
Circle 3:
https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/83f7d9e4/the-3-relationship-best-friends
Circle 4:
https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/855970d9/the-4-relationship-friends-and-family
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Why is Assertiveness important? If we don’t have it we won't know what we want and how to get it. We leave fate to write our story. Fate is a horrible author. What is Assertiveness?
The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can’t teach others how to respect me if I haven’t learned what there is to respect about myself.
Passive: Respecting others and not self Aggressive: Respecting self and not others Assertive: Respecting Self & Others in how we communicate, behave, and think. Passive-Aggressive: Appearing passive as manipulation with aggressive intentions.Passive individuals - Are inhibited, indirect communicators, fearful of offending, and prefer that others make the decisions. They are considered as ‘pushovers’ by others, and they seldom get their communication needs met. They often hold feelings in and these feelings lead to resentment. They are the shrinking violets of the relationship. They take a lose-win attitude to communication (Their internal dialogue is, “I lose and you win.”) Passive Inhibited individuals make others feel like there is disinterest and apathy in the relationship. Partners feel bewildered, ghosted, over responsible and isolated.
Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied. Are brutally honest, direct, and forceful.The major purpose for them is to be right. They will bulldoze and steamroll the conversation. They expect their opinion to be known first and often last. These individuals may even gaslight (take something that was said and make it the other person’s problem) Their internal dialogue is, “I win, you lose”. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied.
Assertive - Are direct, authentic and honest communicators. They speak the truth even when it might be tough to do so. They address issues with empathy, compassion and love. They trust the process of speaking directly. They press in on issues that need to be addressed in appropriate places at appropriate times. They take a win-win attitude toward communications. Their internal dialogue is, “I win and you win”. They treat others with respect yet have confidence in their own ability to communicate and come to agreement. They work toward a healthy balance of submitting if warranted and being forceful when needed. They are willing to compromise and negotiate. Assertive individuals make others feel equal, affirmed and secure. Partners feel significant, unified and understood.
Misconceptions of assertiveness Assertiveness is not Aggressiveness Assertiveness is not a Jedi Mindtrick Assertiveness is not always the best responseAgain, the opposite of unhealthy is still unhealthy. If a person is naturally more mild-mannered and introverted, to become an overbearing jerk is not the way to go just as it would be unnatural for an aggressive and forceful personality to all of the sudden become meek and timid. It may cause those who know him to think he has had a lobotomy.
The healthy middle ground is what we are talking about here; knowing when to submit and when to assert. For the naturally aggressive personality it might be good to balance the forcefulness with submission. A frequent question to ask would be, “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?” For the naturally submissive and compliant personality it might be good to balance submission with forcefulness. A frequent question to ask would be, “What do I want and how am I making that known in this relationship?
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FORMATING FORGIVENESS
If individuals could apply themselves to pursuing this one thing it could vastly improve personal and relational health. This one thing to pursue is a deep understanding and application of… forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a basis for a life well lived. In order to have a good establishment of life it is good to understand the foundational truths of forgiveness.
8 Truths of Forgiveness:
1. Forgiveness is for me, not the offender
This is the reminder that we always have a choice no matter the extent of the pain and hurt that comes from the offense. This choice is empowering and compassionate towards ourself.
It is an invitation to grow and expand. It’s always an inside job. Start by looking where you may need to forgive yourself or transform and change the expectations you put on yourself and others. Make this a constant daily practice.
2. Forgiveness frees me from the power of the one who hurt or offended me
Forgiveness gives the power to set prisoners free, only to find that the prisoner was me.
3. Forgiveness does not mean to forget, ignore or deny the offense
The brain is designed to remember to keep us from harm and danger. Emotional pain is processed just like physical pain on a cellular level. Much like we need to know where the lion was that could jump out of the bush and kill us we must remember where the emotional danger is with others in our lives.
The goal isn't to forget, it is to forgive and live freely from what we have learned and continue to learn. Include and transcend -Richard Rohr-
4. Forgiveness does not equal restoration
I am not responsible for another’s response. If I forgive for the purpose of establishing restoration then it becomes conditional forgiveness. I want an end result. If I forgive just because I forgive and want to be free of any need for retribution that is transformational.
5. Forgiveness does not equal trust
There often is a confusion between forgiveness and trust. Just because I forgive doesn’t mean I have to trust. Forgiveness is given; trust is built.
As I think of this it would be like buying an investment property with an old, run down building on it. In order to make the property a worthy asset there would be two things needed.
Tear down the old building, clear the land and make the lot new again – Forgive Build up from the old by putting a new building on the reclaimed land that would create value – Trust"Forgive your enemies but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy-
6. Forgiveness is not an option, it’s a state of being
We are not the gatekeepers of whether someone is forgiven.
Forgiveness is already happening right now, right now and right now. Are you going to accept it or create your own hell? Separation from love. Get in the flow of constant present forgiveness.
Not too long ago I asked someone for forgiveness and she said “I will have to think about it” Whether she thought about it or not I knew I was free.
7. Forgiveness is humbly accepting that everyone is limited
We are all limited, as a matter of fact to be human is to be limited. At our limits is where we can be acknowledged and given grace. We are all alike in that we all have limitations, shortcomings.
It is about compassion not comparison. It is not about comparison of our limitations so we can feel better in our successes, it is about compassion that we all have limitations and acknowledging that my strength is given so that I can give it to another.
We are all fellow strugglers in the dark trying to find our way home and forgiveness is the flashlight that we pass to each other in the darkness.
8. Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can ever be changed
We are to have hope and hope is for the future. The way to have powerful hope for the future is to not waste it on the past; a past that can never be changed.
The word is for-give. Give it forward not give it backward. If I can reconcile my past by bringing it to the present I then have a new ledger to work with for the future. Then if I can bring that new ledger and eliminate debts I have a freedom for today.
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Circle Four - Intentionality
These are the actions that we do. This is WHAT we do. Outcome and behavior driven.
A secure identity, with a sensitivity to our feelings and the feelings of others, and an acute accurate thinking makes way to beneficial action.
- We don’t become a new person by changing our behavior, our behavior is evidence of our change and evolution in security, sensitivity and common sense.
- Behavior is a very important thing to look at. I often say, “Don’t tell me what you believe, tell me what you have been doing.”
- The goal is not to reduce actions but to know ‘the what’ behind the action.
- Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image.
- Our behavior is more honest than our words.
- Don’t let the worst people we know dictate our behavior.
- To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to disempower them
- Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
- Sometimes poor behavior is simply a bad execution of good intent.
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