Episodes

  • Anakin and Ahsoka are leading an invasion of Cato Neimoidia in their starfighters. Anakin gets cocky and is covered in buzz droids. R2 says don’t threaten me with a good time and indulges in some fun sized droid murder. Unfortunately he can’t clear Anakin’s undercarriage, and it is filthy with buzz droids (I passed out from STD joke choice paralysis when writing this for a few minutes.)

    Yoda Spacetimes(™) Anakin and tells him: “his butt back to Coruscant get.” Someone bombed the Jedi temple! The council thinks that it was perhaps… a Jedi? Since they know Anakin and Ahsoka weren’t there they are the ones tasked with investigating.

    Mace has also tasked a droid named Rizzo with investigating. Russo and Ahsoka go to interview the survivors. A Pantoran, knowing that the Jedi can’t find their own butts with two hands, gives Ahsoka and Russo a solid lead: Jakkar Bomani.

    Anakin says that this must have been a well planned out caper to escape notice by the Jedi, probably involving a ridiculous accent and a fake mustache. Family and friends of the victims gather and Leta, Jakkar’s wife, makes her presence known.

    Meanwhile Ahsoka and Russo have recreated the explosion with a hologram. They find no bomb residue, but they do find nano-droids. Jakkar’s file indicates he’s a munitions expert with a specialty in nano weaponry.

    Russo has found Jakkar’s hand with nano-droids in his blood stream: so he 'set us up the bomb,' as it were. Anakin and Ahsoka investigate the run down tenement that Jakkar lives in and they get so close to the truth when they say that they thought working for the Jedi paid better. They find Jakkar's last meal was laced with nano-droids.

    Leta confesses, but says this is bigger than they know! (I mean, it could be smaller than a bread box and that would still be true for the Jedi...) But for now, the Jedi are cleared!

    The Jedi are trying to return to normalcy as Master Yoda eugoogalizes the fallen Jedi. Ahsoka talks to Barriss Offee, who is taking this hard since she trained with one of the fallen: Tutso Mara.

    Tarkin tells Anakin, Ahsoka & Barriss that the bomber, Letta Turmond, has been captured. Letta will be held by the military since “clones and civilians died as well”. Anakin tells Ahsoka to comfort Barriss, and follows Tarkin into the lift with basically a “Women! Am I right?” kind of comment.

    While comforting Barriss, Tarkin Spacetimes (™) in to say that Letta will only speak with Ahsoka. Letta reveals that a Jedi made her do it, and that this Jedi thinks the the once-peacekeepers need to stop their warmongering. After Ahsoka gains her trust, Letta reveals that is was Jedi Master Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh. The video of the cell shows Ahsoka, with arms outstretched, while Letta is being force-choked… and there is no audio. As such, Ahsoka looks to have killed her and is imprisoned for the crime.

    Anakin tries to visit, but he is refused per Tarkin’s orders. Ahsoka sees a keycard in the hallway, force swipes it, and gets out of her cell. She runs into stunned clones, and sees her comlink and lightsabers on the ground. She then comes across dead clones as well… And she’s getting framed. While searching every hen-house, farmhouse & outhouse; Anakin finds her, she proclaims that she didn’t kill her wife in her best Harrison Ford voice, then proceeds to Richard Kimball onto a passing ship.

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  • Darth Maul and Savage Oppress are floating in a escape pod in space. A lightsaber cuts a hole in the hatch, but that’s no lightsaber: it’s a darksaber! We see Pre Vizsla and is that Bo-Katan?

    Deathwatch return to their camp and it’s got a real master race vibe to it. Maul declares himself the true lord of the Sith so I think we can assume the Deathwatch base is on the planet Avignon. Pre and Maul then have a tea party. That’s not even a joke.

    Maul decides to shake down the Black Sun syndicate (it’s pronounced SheeZor). After some aggressive negotiations Maul has their loyalty. Maul says his Pre’s, plans lack clarity, his Gantt charts are sloppy and his online PMP certification isn’t from an accredited source. The Pyke Syndicate decides to volunteer instead of being conscripted. Maul tries the same tactic with the Hutts that he tried with Black Sun, but the Hutts have bounty hunters of their own: Dengar, Embo and some of our other B-list bounty hunters deliver a counter proposal via blaster fire.

    Next Maul plans to attack Mandalore, hitting key targets to sow distrust in Satine as a leader. The Pikes take over the shipping docks, the Black Sun Clan terrorizes the city center. Vizla “captures” Savage for show, and uses his new found popularity to take over Mandalore and imprison Satine. Vizla also captures Maul, not part of the plan.

    While in prison with Savage, Maul looks for a worthy successor to Satine/Vizla… and what better place to go shopping than a prison. He finds Almec, the former Prime Minister that Satine had jailed for… was it poisoning kids with watered down tea? With Almec in tow, Maul challenges Vizla to combat for leadership of Mandalore. After a lightsabery/darksabery/blastery/grenady/jet-packy/ropey/punchy/kicky fight, Maul beheads Vizla. Darksaber in hand, he claims the right to lead Mandalore. Bo-Katan and company will never accept an outsider as leader and escape after a firefight.

    Almec, in his new position of power, tells the public that Satine killed Vizla. Maul, while on his throne of lies, is happy to be playing puppetmaster.

    The kids from Season 3’s “The Academy,” all aged 10 years somehow, stage a prison break to free Satine, along with Bo-Katan. The escape is short-lived, but Satine gets an emergency message to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Strangely, when he receives it at the Jedi Temple, it's a few sentences longer than the one we just saw her send. SpaceTime(tm) is weird.

    Because Mandalore is neutral, the Jedi Council will not act to help. Obi-Wan Kenobi will have to come to Satine's aid on his own. He walks into the prison and once more easily walks Satine out. They need better guards at this prison. Satine says her sister can help, but they are recaptured by Maul.

    Maul explains his plan isn’t to kill Kenobi, but to make him suffer, then kills Satine with the darksaber in front of Obi-Wan. With her dying words, she says she has always loved him and always will. Maul orders Kenobi imprisoned to rot in his suffering. They take him to the prison, but he immediately is freed by Bo-katan and her men. Really, prison security is an issue. Obi-Wan realizes Bo-katan is the sister Satine mentions, and gives his condolences.

    Meanwhile, Darth Sidious, having sensed a disturbance in the force, has arrived on Mandalore in person to deal with his former apprentice. Sidious says Maul has become a rival. Maul, Savage, and Opress draw their sabers - Sidious kills Savage Opress in the fight but instead of ending Maul, reveals he has other uses for him as we reach THE END.

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  • The droids have successfully obtaining the super-secret data from the Separatists, and then gotten stranded in THE VOID. We open on the droids and Corporal/Colonel Gascon in a sub-ground level city that is… occupied…? by people. Sort of.

    Gascon and WAC try to get food and power, in the local diner, but are denied service. WAC follows some space-cockroaches to the dumpster behind the diner, where Gascon is reluctant to dine. There they run into a clone that doesn’t know he’s a clone despite Gascon telling him he is one. Gregor, the lost clone, starts to ask his diner-owner boss some questions, but gets no answers.

    Gascon rushes to the clone’s house, where Gascon reveals his true identity to him… that of Captain Gregor after R2 pulls up his service files. The traumatic amnesia he got from his final battle starts to fade and memories start to flood back. After a shave and a haircut Gregor goes to the diner to retrieve his armor and weapons with the help of the droid posse.

    The team, now whole, discovers a plot by the Separatists to load a very explosive material into a shuttle and blow up a cruiser in orbit. Gregor goes sickhouse on the separatists droids to allow the R2 posse an escape path. BZ (with Gascon inside) goes down! Gregor runs to their rescue, with the R2 posse on the ship, Gregor tells them to leave without him. He pulls a Butch and Sundance level final battle… leaving it up to the viewer if he survives or not. So, listener, is your glass of blue milk half empty or half full?

    Then the Radio Announcer gives us a literal 3 sentence summary of the past three episodes. (He's better at his job than I am at this.) D Squad arrives aboard the Jedi cruiser to discover no one there, except some holograms on the bridge. When the cruiser jumps to hyperspace, they learn it's actually being piloted by Separatist droids! After some light droid-on-droid crime, D-Squad discovers that the entire ship has been packed with fuel and rigged to explode!

    They meet up with some other Republic droids who were left behind, including Bunny, an LEP service droid, an MSE messenger droid, a GNK and a PLNK power droid, and a WED-15 Treadwell. Bunny informs the crew that the ship is headed for the Carida system, where Gascon knows a Republic Strategy Conference is about to be held - the Jedi Council and much of Republic command will be there! D-Squad realizes they have to do something, but they are spotted by a buzz droid and attacked by its friends. The battle rages! BZ decides to win the fight by opening the airlock, somehow forgetting that literally everyone except Gascon is designed to operate in the vacuum of space. This plan works for some reason, but at the cost of BZ being sucked into space with all the buzz droids.

    After Gascon gives a halftime pep talk, we come up with a new plan: everyone but R2 hides, and R2 does all the work by rigging the ship to blow early. The Treadwell is comedically killed while slowly crossing a hallway, because it's sad when an astromech dies, but not a Treadwell. When R2 has trouble with his part of the plan, Gascon finally decides that saving droids is important, and decides to try to help! But WAC-47 doesn't get the message, the shuttle leaves, and R2-D2 sacrifices himself, blowing up the cruiser before it reaches the station. Ha! No, R2 is fine, despite being in the room where the explosion literally started. Colonel Gascon says R2 can be his wingman anytime, but WAC-47 says actually, he has been assigned to be Gascon's wingman as we reach THE END.

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  • A blue(!) title card leads into our show. The Jedi have intercepted a Separatist transmission that they are unable to decode. They plan an undercover mission to steel an encryption module using troops the Separatists would never expect - droids! (Although the Separatists have used undercover droids before...). The droids will be led by Lilliputian Republic strategist Colonel Meebur Gascon, making his first foray into field command! His team, D-Squad, consists of 4 astromechs: R2-D2; Aayla Secura's QT-KT, Thongla Jur's U9-C4, and Tera Sinube's M5-BZ, as well as Clone Commander Neyo's pilot droid, WAC-47.

    Gascon lays out the plans for the heist and the astromechs are outfitted with their special weapons from Q Branch, which are cool tech for most of them and a lobotomy for BZ. Are droids people? They depart for the Separatist fleet and are brought aboard the dreadnought. When BZ gets killed (?) breaking into the comm-vault, they have to shift to plan B, which is apparently just R2 opening the door instead. They make it to the vault in time to be caught by droids. The battle and/or wacky hijinks rages! After a brief bout of zero-G hilarity, R2 recovers the encryption chip _and_ executes an avalanche senton on a super tactical droid.

    The droids recover BZ with the intent to repair him on the shuttle. Which they walk to and fly away on without being interrupted because nothing unusual is happening on this ship and the shuttle we just captured is allowed to leave. Colonel Gason congratulates himself, and, a bit backhandedly, the rest of the team.

    BZ is being worked on by the droidy dozen, dirty droidzen? We’ll fix it in post. Gascon Zilkinsplains the mission and R2 looms over him. iMurdering Kalani and some droids either sated his lust for blood or whetted his appetite. Meebur better watch his back.

    WAC flies into a comet storm and the autopilot decides that maybe this is the time for some out of the box thinking and hits every comet it can. Just crazy enough to work. R2 decides that QT and U9 are useful (see Russian prison slang: Milk Cow) so he saves them.

    D squad crash lands on a salt planet, and R2 keisters the decoder chip. The planet is flat, smooth and barren, but for droids with wheels its basically paradise. R2 takes off and the mutiny has begun. Gascon reduces droids to programming and WAC makes a pretty good point that Gascon’s training isn’t that much different. Gascon backs into the fact that droids aren’t any different than organics and then conveniently changes the subject.

    Our heroes stumble on another downed ship and I’m not going to ruin this for Jared: We get a pretty sweet cameo!

    Gascon questions his unthinking adherence to a useless ethos. Because the Mortis arc allowed the Force to punch a hole through into the galaxy, the Force chooses this moment to unleash some Perfectly Normal Beasts to save Gascon and WAC. Lessons are learned and one of them is that R2 is probably the only fully actualized being in the universe because he’s already found civilization.

    Gascon proves he’s learned nothing and instead of treating WAC like a peer conscripts him into the same outmoded way of thinking that almost got them killed. WAC has also learned nothing and tries to pull rank on R2. Fortunately for him, R2 believes in the motto: frag a mouthy droid, and you've murdered for a day, bury your rage and complete the mission and the continued war allows you to murder for a lifetime.

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  • The younglings are stranded on a swiftly tilting starship. They’re able to get Obi-Wan on the SpaceTime(™), Obi-Wan is pretty sanguine about what happened considering Ahsoka was captured and Hondo can obviously track the ancient sentient database that the Jedi rely on to build lightsabers.

    Jocasta Nu senses a disturbance in the Force and starts brushing up on COBOL. Obi-Wan cautions the younglings against heroism, and it’s a good thing Anakin isn’t around because he’d have told them to stop talking and go get his Ahsoka back.

    Obi-Wan’s task force is intercepted by a Separatist fleet and the younglings are on their own. The younglings have to land the ship so they choose to do it on Florum, and just coincidentally they can mount a rescue attempt for Ahsoka. They had to. My kids use the same logic on chasing toys down stairs. If I’m an expert, and I think that I am, this is going to end in tears and, let’s say… R2 getting yelled at for being irresponsible.

    Back on the Negotiator, Obi-Wan proves he’s at least smarter than Wilhuff Tarkin and calls to abandon ship. Back on Florum the younglings convince a traveling circus (because why not) to take them on as an acrobatic troupe for a performance for Hondo. With a certain sense of narrative whiplash we find that the Separatists have secured Obi-Wan’s command cruiser. However we quickly find out that Obi-Wan’s favorite captain is Janeway because he has already rigged the ship to self-destruct. Grievous beats feet, and makes certain to actively brutalize some droids on his way out because he has a code. Obi-Wan and Cody aren’t coming to the younglings rescue anytime soon.

    Speaking of, a circus! Hondo big times the circus ringleader and I honestly am disappointed in him. Youngling shenanigans and acrobatics and Hondo ends up concussed and Ahsoka is free. Ahsoka says that doing the right thing sometimes means bending the rules, because the ends justify the means and I’m going to pretend that Ahsoka just stayed quiet on this one.

    The younglings are racing towards their starship, but Hondo’s forces are in hot pursuit. They perform a bit of a Serenity-style barn swallow to get back on their ship. However, despite previous acrobatic prowess, they are unable to leap the 4 feet into the air to get on the ramp. As such, they are all captured.

    Dooku Spacetime’s (™) in and tells Hondo that all your base are belong to us. Ahsoka convinces Hondo’s crew to free them and work together to save Hondo in order to get to his hidden ships.

    The kids show off their lightsabers, but Katooni hasn’t finished hers yet. With some encouraging words from… Hondo(?!?) she manages to finish it. The younglings and Hondo’s crew flee, but a chase ensues. Katooni (on Hondo’s speeder) gets separated from the rest of the Jedi-lings. Hondo is ready to leave the rest behind, but she convinces him to go save them.

    Grievous catches up to Ahsoka and the Jedi-lings and says “so many lightsabers to add to my collection,” just then., Hondo and Katooni show up on Slave1. Ahsoka keeps Grievous busy while the kids escape, and then escapes herself after they are onboard.

    Hondo and the Jedi-lings rendezvous with Kenobi and the Republic fleet. Hondo departs, but not before handing Obi-Wan a bill for his losses, and not before giving a parting nod of respect to Katooni. Huyang tells the kids he hasn’t had an adventure like that since Master Yoda found his crystal - but that’s a story for another day.

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  • Our JFC is “He who faces himself, finds himself” (so I already don’t feel good about the Bechdel test). Our RA tells us that WAR is ongoing and spreading across the galaxy, and the number of Jedi is declining, so new Jedi, youglings, are being kidna… found and trained with their new “family”. The younglings must pass many tests, including the eponymous “gathering”.

    We cut to Ahsoka telling some padawans that they must now build their own lightsaber. She takes them to Ilum to find their kyber crystals. There, they are greeted by Yoda, who opens a wall of ice by moving a large crystal to reflect the sunlight to melt it.

    The six padawans must find their crystals before the door refreezes or they’ll be trapped for 19 days. They go in different directions, as called to them by the force. Each padawan seems to face their own personal fears… heights, water, being alone, spiders, etc.

    One by one they collect their crystals. Petro sees Katooni has been trapped and leaves her behind… before having a change of heart and going back for her to set her free. In saving her, he finds his crystal and rejoins the rest of the padawans with Yoda and Ahsoka. Collectively, the padawans learned courage, hope, patience, trust, confidence, and selflessness.

    Having passed The Gathering, the younglings journey in the Crucible back toward Coruscant, and are introduced to Huyang, a robot professor who has taught Jedi how to build lightsabers for over 1000 years, and who also does a great Garrick Ollivander impression.

    While the kids are still trying to figure out the wibbly-wobbly, time-wimey lightsaber assembly process, the Crucible is attacked by Hondo Ohnaka, who wants to steal the kyber crystals to sell on the black market. The pirates disable and board the ship. Huyang hides the crystals on his person, but Petro keeps his just in case. From hiding, Ahsoka lays out the plan - Ganodi and Zatt will secure the cockpit with R2; the other younglings will hide in the hold with Huyang, and Ahsoka will reroute power to the engines, allowing the ship to break free, and coincidentally venting the atmosphere, along with the pirates. Two out three ain't bad, right?

    Zatt, Ganodi, and Ahsoka meet their objectives, but the pirates manage to smoke the larger youngling group out of hiding before they reach the hold. Petro uses his poorly constructed lightsaber as a bomb to disable the pirates and buy some time for the kids to decide that valor is the better part of valor, so they must stand and fight - by trapping a room with training remotes. When that manages to stop two out of approximately 20 pirates, they are in trouble - but Ahsoka arrives to save the day! Battle rages, and the kids regroup in the cockpit. Ahsoka orders them to start the engines and escape the pirates, but the underlined part of their plan that says "Breach hull, all die" goes into effect. The pirates are sucked out of the Crucible and mostly back into their ship, but Ahsoka accidentally joins them. Hondo says that he will have to turn her into profit instead as we reach THE END.

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  • The rebels have stepped up their attacks, ambushing a droid convoy in the center of the city and definitely causing no collateral damage despite the sobbing children. The rebels declare they seek to overthrow King Rash and restore King Dendup to the throne. Dendup is slated for public execution.

    The Gerrera siblings want to free Dendup. At the same time, Steela tries to ignore the growing feelings between herself and Lux Bonteri, and Ahsoka tries to balance her orders to not directly interfere with her desire to help the rebels.

    Saw uses his being tortured and interrogated to attempt to win over General Tandin to the cause of King Dendup. The rebels launch their plan, but fail to account for the fact they are significantly outnumbered and are captured themselves. Ahsoka nearly takes open action to free her friends, but is saved from doing so when General Tandin launches a coup! King Dendup joins with the rebels, and they promise to free Onderon. Ahsoka tells Anakin and Obi-wan that she's blown her cover, and they say the real fight will soon begin, but the council may not send more help.

    The Rebels plant a holo projection of Dendup that goes pirate radio in the market. Because no one can figure out how the VCR works, the entire tape plays. A riot ensues, a dinosaur gets shot in the cloaca and a B1 gets keistered by said dinosaur. Pretty solid physical humor and no Jar Jar in sight.

    Back at the rebel camp Lux is excited by rioting in the streets and Saw agrees which suggests that neither have gotten as far as ‘collateral damage’ in their Resistance Movement 101 textbooks. Steela, who has read ahead a little, is very much aware of collateral damage, so they decide to forego urban combat for a plan to draw the droids out of the capital city and into the highlands. Steela kisses Lux and he and Ahsoka share a glance which suggests that maybe Kit Fisto can rub off on anyone given enough time.

    Droid flyers show up with a visual reference to the firebombing during the Vietnam War and I’m back on my real world bullshit. Obi-Wan is pretty sanguine about this and gets all GOP about Rebels pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, but at least he’s willing to evacuate any survivors; which begs the question: is Obi-Wan the worst character in Star Wars?

    Anakin decides to Col. Oliver North this shit, goes full Iran-Contra and decides to get Hondo to smuggle some missiles. The fact that Hondo will be running Onderonian crack-cocaine back in his empty ships isn’t really Anakin’s problem.

    The droid army makes an end run for the king. Steela, Lux and Ahsoka ride in to the rescue. Saw shoots down the last gunship which crashes into the cliff Steela and the King are standing on: Steela saves the king, Lux falls off the cliff trying to save Steela, Ahsoka uses the Force to save Lux. Ahsoka tries to use the Force to save Steela but is shot by the gunship that was only mostly dead. Steela falls to her death like a Disney villain. King Rash asks Dooku for more forces, but Dooku isn’t dumb and pulls the Separatists out. Kilani makes certain that King Rash’s exit interview is suitably punitive with a blaster rifle. Onderon gets its martyr, and Lux looks deep into Ahsoka’s piercing blue eyes and vows to bring Onderon back to the Republic.

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  • The planet Onderon has seceded from the Republic and joined the Separatist Alliance under a new king. Rebel forces have fled into the jungle and appeal to the Jedi for help. Oh wait, this happened at the start of the clone war by the legitimate government under a new king. The rebels claim he’s a traitor though so it’s totally fine.

    Anakin, completely off the cuff, invents the School of the Americas to help the freedom fighters on Separatist planets ensure their liberty? The fact that Padme is a majority stakeholder in Space Chiquita Bananas is probably coincidental. Yoda is down to help, but Obi-Wan pegs this as enabling terrorism. Anakin, because he’s the worst, states that this is actually an insurgency and… points for vocab I guess.

    The Jedi council is split between pragmatists and idealists with Yoda and Obi-Wan suggesting that terror should not be a means to an end. Anakin and Mace suggest that they’re merely helping Rebels, and Jedi Master Honru Kissingeru is getting real sweaty in the background. Anakin Ahsoka and Rex head to Onderon as ‘advisors’ with Obi Wan to keep an eye on them.

    We meet Saw Gerrara for the first time riding a Tarakian mount. On a scale of Forest Whitaker, he’s a lot closer to Fast Times at Ridgemont High than Rogue One at this point in his life. We also meet Steela and, hey, it’s Lux Bonteri! Obi-Wan and Anakin hide behind polite fictions by stating that they aren’t here to fight the war for the Onderonians. Ahsoka and Lux start talking about old times and Steela gets jealous. If Ahsoka were Kit Fisto’s apprentice she’d already be engaging in some hands on training with them both, but she’s only got Anakin so she immediately gets confused and sulky. RSVP Nandor the Relentless.

    The Rebels go through training and we see how much better at this Rex is than normal people. Shenanigans and training montages ensue. Lux and Saw apparently are rivals for leadership and all I can think of is the Bolshievek revolution. Trotsky lived a long and happy life right?

    The rebels have had many successful missions with zero civilian casualties, but the local population is on edge.

    The new King summons his predecessor and tells him to call off the attacks… which the old King denies he has a hand in since he is a prisoner and cannot leave the castle.

    We cut to the rebels talking about earning the civilian’s trust, which they feel they can get if they hit one big target: A power station that powers all the droids. Saw Gerrara steals one of the B1’s heads to grab the layout of the power substations. They stage a small attack to lure out a tank they need. Destroyers are sent, and their “slow-roll” training proves successful. A tank shows up, and they manage to disable it, then move on to complete their plan and destroy the power station. Soon the droids will forever sleep.

    The civilians are now cheering on the rebels. During the celebration, jealousy rears its ugly head again and Anakin tells Ahsoka to stay focused in a real “pot calling the kettle black” kind of moment. The Jedi, via Spacetime™, give an inspiring speech on how to proceed next.

    The King gives an update to Dooku, who tells the King he’s sending more troops and a new general. We cut back to Steela, giving her own inspiring speech, being nominated as the leader… which rubs Saw the wrong way. He rushes out, Steela chases after him and reveals that Saw is her brother.

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  • Welcome to Season 5, the season with no name! We begin with the radio announcer telling us that Maul and Opress have teamed up to do bad across the Outer Rim - so bad that they kill two Jedi in new footage during the opening montage! The brothers secure a pile of ill-gotten loot on Cybloc, where Maul also makes formal the fact that the Rule of Two is in effect, and that Savage is the junior member of the team. They then take their booty to Florrum, where the evil duo bribe a number of Hondo Ohnaka's gang to join up. The villains plot an attack on our...friend?.. Hondo for refusing to join as well.

    Obi-wan and Adi Gallia are on their trail, and make it to Florrum to join the fight. Sadly, Adi Gallia's Jedi Power Battles come to an end at the horns of Savage Opress. Kenobi and the Weequay retreat to the tunnels, where Kenobi offers to fight the Zabraks while Hondo collapses the tunnels to separate the Sith from his former pirate crew. Hondo readily agrees. A lightsaber battle rages! Kenobi gains the upper hand by disarming Savage; in the other tunnel, Hondo reconciles with the men who earlier betrayed him. The combined forces turn the tide of combat, and Maul and Opress are forced to flee the planet.

    Back on Coruscant, Kenobi demands further action against Maul, but Chancellor Palpatine and Master Yoda decide this is too personal for Kenobi, and the Separatists remain the real threat. They promise to take action against Maul if he pops his antlered dome up in the future. As the Jedi depart, we zoom in on Palpatine smirking at how this is all going, and we reach THE END.

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  • The Closing Crawl crew talks Star Wars Games: Video Games, Card Games, Board Games, Mind Games, Hunger Games - you name it and... by GAWD - is that Jon's Music?!?!?

    We'll discuss our earliest memories of Star Wars video and tabletop games, from the highest highs of the Decipher GGC, to the lowest lows of that one mission in X-Wing where you had to identify freighters.

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  • We open on a menacing RED title card and the Radio Announcer reminds us of Savage Opress' creation, rise, and betrayal of Dooku and Asajj Ventress, plus his new mission: to find his brother, Darth Maul.

    Dooku and Grievous discuss the rise of something sinister and we cut to Savage terrorizing a Waffle House at a spaceport, where some special dust-laden cargo leads him to a spaceship he commandeers to take him to a planet he believes his brother is on.

    Anakin and Ahsoka show up at the diner, just to eat, but a lingering darkness like a distant fart tells Anakin something foul is nearby.

    Sir Hiss shows up to guide Savage through his destination planet, but leads him to a trap as an offering to an old legend "BELOW”... Who turns out to be Darth Maul, now with his bottom half resembling a robotic Shelob from LOTR, his horns grown out, and his mind driven crazy by the isolation; but all the while holding one thought: REVENGE.

    Yoda and Obi-Wan sense this awakening... as we come to The End.

    Another red title card before our Jedi Fortune Cookie "The enemy of my enemy is my friend". The Radio Announcer tells us Maul has been taken back to Mother Talzin. Still messed up in the head, Savage leaves Maul on the ship to find Talzin, and discovers the slaughter of the Nightsisters. Talzin reaches into Maul's mind to pull out his proverbial demons while also giving him new legs to replace the cobbled-together spider legs he had made himself.

    Maul slaughters innocents and broadcasts it to the Jedi and tells them that Obi-Wan must come alone. Yoda lets him go alone, but senses an unlikely ally will aid him... Asajj Ventress (who just learned of the bounty on Savage's head).

    Obi-Wan, getting his butt kicked by the horned brothers, is saved when Savage shows up. The four duel it out, but Asajj and Obi-Wan are outmatched and escape. Maul decides that patience is a virtue, and he will be counting on the jedi to try to track him down.

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  • Asajj Ventress has sought sanctuary with the Nightsisters of Dathomir. She meets with Mother Talzin, who tells Ventress to abandon Dooku and the Sith, and become a true nightsister. A baptismal ceremony changes Ventress' eye color, and a celebration signals her rebirth as a Nightsister. Meanwhile, Dooku learns that Ventress has returned, so he orders Grievous to attack Dathomir and wipe out the Nightsisters.

    The Separatist fleet arrives, and the battle rages! Ventress leads a counterattack which has some success, until Grievous sends out defoliator tanks to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches. Mother Talzin goes to Old Daka, and asks her to call the army of the dead; apparently she is the last heir of Isildur, so it works. It's zombies vs. robots! Mother Talzin reveals she has a lock of Dooku's hair; she uses it to create a poppet of him and torment via the power of sympathetic magic. Grievous and Ventress stage a lightsaber duel for the fate of the planet, but when Ventress is about to win, Grievous cheats and has his troops intervene. But before they can kill Ventress, Dooku orders them after Mother Talzin to stop the psychic attack on him.

    Grievous discovers Talzin and Daka. He kills Old Daka, ending the threat of the zombie army, and forces Talzin to turn to mist and flee. The separatist army quickly deals with the remaining nightsisters without their undead reinforcements. Mother Talzin appears in spectral form to Ventress, telling her she has her own path to follow now, then vanishes.

    With the Nightsister clan wiped out, Assajj is wandering the outer rim looking for her own purpose. She ends up on a desert planet and heads to the bar because she has 4d in genre savvy.

    She is noticed by Bossk who is a good bounty hunter, but who’s real talents lie in team building. A short interview ensues and we head to the hideout where Dengar is annoying and Bossk tells him to shut up. We meet the rest of the crew in Boba Fett and his baroque assassin droid Hi-C? Oh Yeah!

    The job’s a pretty standard escort mission. Our antagonists are super cool looking underworld dwellers and I had to check to make sure that this episode wasn’t titled ‘the Crystal Shard.’ The under-ninjas have really taken realultimatepower.net to heart and are flipping out all over the place. The bounty hunters are good, but there are too many ninjas. Space Drizzt enters the fight with two awesome electro katanas and proceeds to beat up Boba, solving one of the great nerd debates of all time.

    We find out that the cargo was Drizzt’s sister; Pulma. After the legally distinct and totally unique space Drow are captured, Pulma says that Assajj will never know what it’s like to be ripped from the only life she’s ever known. Even Boba Fett is powerless before a nat 20 persuasion role. Ventress decides to take charge of the operation, which Boba does not care for. He fucks around and finds out. Assajj delivers the box and the gross pasha of this planet makes it clear that Pulma is his bride and I do not like this. Ventress collects the bounty, and shock!!! Boba was in the box. Unfortunately for him all humanoids look the same to Belugians and Boba spends a few very unpleasant days before the mix up is discovered.

    Assajj frees Pulma and Krismo and takes her cut of the bounty. She delivers the remaining shares of the bounty to the rest of the hunters. Assajj has grown and she has her own life to live and is she the best character in Star Wars?

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  • A plot to kidnap the chancellor by Eval Moralo that has been thwarted…? The Jedi decide to form their own plot. Obi Wan is shot and falls to his apparent death. We know falling is a jedi’s greatest skill, but what this episode presupposes is, maybe it isn’t? Obi Wan has a funeral and Anakin is absolutely losing his shit. Meanwhile Rako Hardeen starts bragging in a bar that he shot Obi Wan to general acclaim. Yoda and Mace are worried and Obi Wan is alive!? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a soccer flop and 10 being Mankind in the ‘98 Hell in a cell match, our scientific survey gives Obi Wan’s performance a 7.4. Obi Wan undergoes a Face/Off procedure and takes the place of Rako Hardeen who was employed by the jedi the whole time.

    Faako and crew make it to Nal Hutta and promptly crash into a swamp. Anakin and Ahsoka show up on Nal Hutta. Palpatine tells Mace and Yoda where Anakin went and suggests that they have more faith in him. Yoda immediately wilts and suggests they come clean because he doesn’t have the stones for the Great Game. Lord Palmerston he is not. Anakin and Ahsoka arrive in time to see a behatted figure entering a space ship and Ahsoka correctly deduces it’s Cad Bane because, and I quote, ‘who else would wear a hat like that.' She’s the best. A cool battle with Cad Bane happens and Faako runs right into Anakin. Anakin promptly knees Obi Wan right in nuts which just proves that he knows subliminally that it's actually Obi Wan.

    We open on bounty hunters arriving on Serrano where a brutal contest is about to take place. Obi-Wan, as Rako Hardeen, henceforth known as Fauxbi-Wan (not Fako), and Cad Bane are introduced to Dooku where they accept the challenge ahead. They're going to enter the eponymous box, a towering cube in front of them. With the final five selected, Dooku reveals the plan to capture the Chancellor on Naboo during a festival and using this as leverage to release Sepratist prisoners.

    Obi-Wan as Fauxbi-Wan travels to Naboo with the other bounty hunters to capture Chancellor Palpatine at the festival of light.

    Dooku and the final five go over their plan, and "slip into" their holo-disguises as clone guards.

    Fauxbi-Wan, now free from prying eyes and ears, radios Mace and informs him of the plan. Palpatine takes the podium, surrounded by ray shields. The Parwan bounty hunter is able to slip through the shields and causes an explosion. Mace orders two guards to get him out of there on a nearby speeder. The two guards create a bait-and-switch with Palpatine and escape. Anakin, coming face to face with an altered Fauxbi-Wan, is angry he's been lied to by the council and wonders how many other lies they've told him.

    Obi-Wan, questioning potential lies told to him by Dooku and Eval, discovers a bug in his sniper rifle case and knows Dooku has heard everything.

    Meanwhile, Anakin and Palpatine are surprised by Dooku and some droids. Dooku and Anakin fight while Palapatine is restrained. Obi-Wan, showing up just in time, helps Anakin to save the day. Dooku, in a final attempt to plant seeds of lies and anger in Anakin by feeling undervalued by the jedi council, proceeds to levy some expert level snark on Anakin to rile him up.

    Episodes on Disney+: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/c639cb21-5137-4090-a440-8f84a171d235
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  • Our JFC is "Friendship shows us who we really are." The radio announcer lets us know that in hopes of ending the war, the first ever official meeting between the Republic and Separatists is being held on the neutral world of Mandalore. The negotiations seem to be going poorly, with the Separatists having a ridiculous demand that their government be recognized as legitimate. We all know that the Republic is not a fan of self-determination. But just then, our old friend Lux Bonteri (remember him?) jumps in to announce that Dooku killed his mother, Senator Mina Bonteri. Separatist security arrests him. Dooku appears via spacetime to taunt Lux before ordering his death, but he is saved at the last moment by his good friend Ahsoka -- being "discreet" just like Padme asked. They escape on a Republic shuttle; when Ahsoka says they'll be returning to Coruscant, Lux tases her and heads for the planet Carlac, where he says others want to help him kill Dooku.

    When they arrive on Carlac, a world of both snow and cherry blossoms(?), Lux has hidden Ahsoka's lightsabers (it turns out they're just in a cabinet), so they wander off unarmed and are met by a bunch of members of the Mandalorian Death Watch, including Bo Katan, who might be important later. Lux is there to sell out Dooku; Ahsoka plays it cool by pretending to be his fiancé. They head off to an occupied town, where the Death Watch prove they are the bad kind of terrorists, by torturing helpless droids, who I guess are people now. Lux explains the plan - he traced Dooku over Spacetime(tm), and is selling the location to Deathwatch, who want him dead. Ahsoka is skeptical, as the Death Watch are bad, mm-kay? To prove her point, their leader, Pre Vizsla arrives; he wants to kill Dooku for vaguely explained reasons about things that happened offscreen.

    Artoo is assigned to repair the tortured droids for more torture later while Ahsoka is held captive with a group of native Ming Po people, who are definitely not awkward stereotypes, who explain as almost the first word out of their mouths to a stranger that they are a simple people who trust easily and were betrayed. You know, small talk. Later that day, the Ming Po chieftain, Pieter, demands Death Watch leave and return the captives. Pre agrees to do so at sunrise, but it turns out he just means he's going to kill the captives and burn down the village. The carnage upsets Ahsoka, who reveals herself but is captured. Fortunately, Artoo has rebuilt a bunch of combat droids, who stage a rescue while Artoo gets Ahsoka her lightsabers. The battle rages! Ahsoka outduels Pre by blowing up his jet pack, and our heroes try to escape on a landspeeder. Bo Katan grabs her gun and tries to bring in the cat, but is defeated in a fist fight. Ahsoka, Artoo, and Lux make it back to the ship, but before they can head for Coruscant, Lux takes the escape pod, letting Ahsoka know they make a good team, but he has his own path to follow and we reach the end.

    The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episode 14: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/916bff39-2aae-47db-b43a-e22f4179d093

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  • On the planet Kiros, artisan colonists created a society with no weapons, only art and beauty. Let's see how that plays out for them! Count Dooku makes an offer the governor can't refuse: 'Safe haven' for the citizens of Kiros as slaves, under the control of Zygerrian Atai Molec!

    Anakin, Obi-wan, and Ahsoka arrive. The battle rages! When Obi-wan goes to meet to discuss terms for surrender, D'Nar explains he meant that Obi-wan would surrender. Obi-wan wants to settle things the old Zygerrian way, which just turns out to be hand-to-hand combat. Obviously, D'Narr beats the shit out of Kenobi.

    Obi-wan returns to his old stand-by, reneging on surrender negotiations - but D'Nar escapes to his ship and takes off. Anakin and Ahsoka give chase by sacrificing their AT-PT walkers to double jump, just like Mario dropping Yoshi down a pit.

    They bad cop/worse cop D'Nar into explaining that the Zygerrians will use the colonists to rebuild their slave empire. Then the Jedi Council discusses things and comes to the conclusion that the Zygerrians will use the colonists to rebuild their slave empire!

    Our jedi travel to Zygeria to try to locate the kidnapped colonists. Ahsoka is playing the part of the slave because Anakin claims he wasn’t any good at it when he played the part despite an 8 season run on Tatooine that Watto described as ‘a good time had by all’.

    Ahsoka meets a slaver and Anakin talks his way into a meeting with the queen, he gives the queen Ahsoka and the queen must be picking up what Anakin is putting down because she is super into this whole scene. Somewhere Kit Fisto senses a very erotic disturbance in the Force.

    Rex and Obi Wan find the Togruta leader and try to escape on a lizard. I’m not sure why that’s the character trait they chose to highlight for Obi Wan, but there you go.

    Obi Wan is captured and we transition to the slave auction and get a pretty sweet RotJ music cue and R2 launches the lightsabers to Anakin and the jail break is in full swing. The jedi are quickly overwhelmed but Anakin fights to the last and the queen is so into Anakin’s determination that she is about to join Kit Fisto in an erotic coma.

    The queen and Anakin are flying on lizards and the queen is violating quite a few HR regulations. They have a philosophical debate about self interest and freedom and I haven’t learned the queen’s name until now but I suspect it’s probably Johanna Galt or something subtle like that.

    The slaves have been put to work. Obi Wan tries to make things better, but "Jedi only make things worse". Which breaks Kenobi's spirit when he realizes he cannot help the others.

    The queen & Dooku argue, and her PM betrays her, so now enter Anakin to be framed for her murder.

    Anakin announces that a republic fleet, having just jumped into light speed, will even the odds, they free the slaves from the prison camp! After being freed, Ahsoka encourages the Governor to join the republic.

    The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 111, 12, and 13: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/02bd06fc-230f-4667-b9da-23fb11d66b70

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  • We depart the Adventure genre for the War is Hell genre, as the clones decide whether or not to follow General Krell up river. With the spotlight on Rex and the Clones - how will they account themselves when faced with treason and fratricide?

    Plan of Dissent: This episode’s JFC is “The wise man leads, the strong man follows.” Our RA summarizes the last two episodes, which involves Jedi Master Krell leading Rex’s and Anakin’s clone squadron into slaughter on the planet of Umbara while the clones are growing tired of dying needlessly and start to rebel.

    We cut to Obi-Wan informing Krell and Rex that a supply ship in orbit above the capital is continuing to give weapons to the enemy, and that Obi-Wan and team are unable to take it out due to some support ships that haven’t shown up yet. Rex and team have cracked the Umbarin security codes and could fly the captured ships from the base covertly into battle, but Krell wants no part in that. They’ll take the capital the best way possible, from the ground!

    Fives, Jesse, and Hardcase disobey orders and take three fighters into the battle over the capital to blow up the supply ship “from the inside, just like General Skywalker did when he was a boy”. Once inside the supply ship, the ray-shields prevent the smaller fighters from making a dent, but Hardwire jumps to the ground and goes through doors into the reactor core to blow it up… sacrificing himself in the process.

    Fives and Jesse return to the base, but Krell plans to court-martial them for their “insurrection”.

    Carnage of Krell: This episode’s JFC is “Our actions define our legacy.” After the RA’s summary, we cut to Rex pleading with Krell to save Fives and Jesse, but Krell now orders their immediate execution. Dogma is excited to see the traitors receive their just desserts, but the executioners refuse to pull the trigger. When Rex goes to report this to Krell, an incoming message shows that Umbarans have stolen clone armor and weapons, and are hiding amongst clones to confuse them… this works, which causes clone-on-clone violence as two squads come across each other and proceed to ready-fire-aim with their new don’t ask/don’t tell policy on being a clone under the helmet. Waxer, with his final breath, reveals that it was Krell that ordered his squad to attack Rex’s squad of “undercover Umbarans”.

    After seeing the tragedy of killing their own brothers, Rex and the clones go to arrest Krell for treason. But taking out a four-armed jedi is no easy task. “I will not be undermined by some creatures bred in a laboratory.” On the chase for Krell after he jumps out a window, Dogma tries to stop Rex, but is taken to the brig. Krell proceeds to unleash the eponymous “Carnage” upon the clones in the jungle outside the base. Tup lures Krell towards an oversized venus flytrap, which gives the clones the distraction, and extra arms, needed to subdue Krell with a stun shot. Krell, now in his cell, reveals that he was auditioning for Count Dooku and was counting on clones like Dogma and their blind loyalty to help him achieve his goals.

    With the capital city now captured by Obi-Wan, the Umbarans decide to make the clone-occupied base their final assault. Rex knows that Krell cannot be captured / released by the Umbarins since he’ll reveal all the republic’s secret codes and locations to the separatists. When Rex hesitates to pull the trigger, Dogma does the deed. As they prepare to leave, Rex reveals the beginning of his existential crisis. “When the war is over, what happens to us then?

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  • This week on General Swap: can the 501st adapt to General Krell’s “choke the rivers with our dead” tactics, or will they earn the respect of a tough but fair boss? Legendary editor Water Murch takes a seat in the director’s chair for this story arc, which sees what the Clone Wars are like to the boots. Jony Ive guests as a model designer for the Umbaran vehicles. One of those things is true.

    Darkness on Umbara:

    Tthe Republic has launched a lightning strike on Umbara, who have thrown in with the Separatists [possibly due to their Senator getting murdered in the episode of the same name]. Anakin and the 501st make a landing under fire, and the battle rages! They are opposed by Umbarans in pressure suits, as well as tanks and carnivorous plants.

    Jedi Master Pong Krell arrives to inform Skywalker that the Jedi Council has ordered him back to Coruscant at the request of Palpatine, and that Krell is assuming command of the 501st. After Anakin leaves, Krell lets it be known that he's a real hard-ass who does things by the book and doesn't particularly care about the clones; also, in our biggest example of lightsaber escalation to date, he has two double-bladed lightsabers, because he's just that cool.

    Master Krell changes the battle plan - instead of surgical strikes on the capital's defenses, the 501st will now be making a frontal assault. Rex explains he has a duty to his men as well as the plan, and Krell admits some amount of grudging respect.

    The General:

    The clones are being torn apart by Umbaran air power who actually seem to be counting coup by bludgeoning the clones instead of shooting them from the sky.

    Obi Wan Space Times (™) General Custer and tells him that they need him to take an airfield and that everything rests on his battalion. A clone rolls a nat 20 and asks if Krell is trying to get the clones killed. Fives makes a good point about Anakin and that at least he leads from the front, no matter how dumb his ideas. Rex is the only thing standing between Krell and a complete mutiny.

    Rex tries to put lipstick on a pig, but the pig turns out to be a giant ray-shielded centipede mech with about a million guns. Sorry, make that a bunch of giant ray-shielded centipede mechs. But rocket launchers, thermal detonators and a disdain for self-preservation overcome a lot of obstacles.

    The clones look like they’d be fine in Zombieland because Fives makes sure to double tap a wounded Umbaran who survived a rocket launcher to the dome. And just like that I’m back on my moral equivalence bullshit y’all! Krell demands that Rex throw his clones into the meat grinder because he was a padawan for Jedi Master Sir Douglas Haig. The episode ends with a close up of flames reflected in Krell’s yellow eyes. I’m sure that’s not ominous.

    The Clone Wars: Season 4, Episodes 7 and 8: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/f9bfac62-4bb9-443b-905c-db5d978df3f2

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  • Mercy Mission Synopsis:

    Radio Announcer: Tragedy has struck Aleen.

    On the way down to the planet the clones see an Aleena riding a giant insect thing and says ‘Great, it’s going to be another one of those planets’ in case you’d forgotten that teenage boys are the absolute worst. The design of the Aleena suggests that Brian Froud has snuck into Lucasfilm; let’s see if we get a darkly whimsical fairytale allegory that will give kids nightmares. Or even David Bowie’s crotch (fingers crossed!).

    3PO promptly falls down the hole and R2, who is always down for a weird LSD trip, is right behind him. They start walking and are immediately swarmed by faeries. They enter a subterranean world that immediately references Dagobah. Revelation here we come. 3PO and R2 meet the Kindaloo, who look like an Ent and a Landstrider got lost in a Piers Anthony novel.

    The Kindaloo see a potential solution in 3PO and send him to see Orphne. The faeries coalesce into Orphne who promptly tastes 3PO in case you didn't know which kind of faerie queen we were dealing with. Orphne says that 3PO will do what he is meant to do and gives a riddle. Fortunately 3PO’s speciality is riddles and Never Ending Story references, so he gets to work. R2, who is basically Puck, gets there first and pees on the right floor symbol and unlocks a water elevator into a flower and 3PO and R2 are spit back onto the surface. Underground vapors remember that they exist and commence to poison the Aleena.

    R2 and 3PO, because they don’t breathe, are able to seal the breach and bring peace back to Aleen. A small Aleena does what we all wanted to do as kids and hugs R2 in thanks. The clones are still being giant wangs. The end.

    Nomad Droids Synopsis:

    We open on 3PO Spacetiming (™) with Padme to tell her of their adventures. The cruiser gets attacked by Grievous.

    R2 and 3PO “commandeer” a Y-wing and the two end up crashing on a nearby planet. The locals attack, but they’re only about 6” tall. The Lilliputians proceed to pull a Gulliver’s Travels on the two droids. While bumping proverbial chests with the king, R2 is knocked over by 3PO and crushes him to death… 3PO decides to instill democracy upon them, but that quickly descends into voter fraud (no joke).

    The droids leave the planet on their newly repaired Y-wing, but don’t have enough power, so they land on another nearby planet. They’re brought to this planet’s leader, some repair droids doing a great and powerful OZ impression. The locals revolt and destroy the hologram and lightning producing machine, causing R2 and 3PO to wander away as their power reserves fall to zero.

    The clones and Jedi run across the pair. We end the episode with 3PO telling their story to a captive and unwilling audience in Commander Wolffe.

    The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 5 and 6: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/1d717a67-fdce-4404-aed6-3cca361e0946

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  • Will the Nabooans ever be able to tell Gungans apart? What happens when one writer wants to make an homage to The Three Musketeers, and the other one to Kurosawa's Kagemusha? We answer these and other questions. (P.S. Anakin is captured by Dooku, and that's like the C story!)

    Our Jedi Fortune Cookie is "Who a person truly is cannot be seen with the eye." The radio announcer chimes in to tell us that Naboo is in peril - civil unrest leads to rumors that the Gungans will side with the separatists and attack Theed, leading Padme and Anakin to head back there. They meet up with Jar-Jar, who informs them that Boss Lyonie is blaming the Naboo for all the problems, and calling for the Gungan military to march on Theed. Anakin quickly realizes Lyonie has been possessed by an evil necklace; once removed, Lyonie realizes he's been tricked by new minister Rish Loo. The minister is in league with the Separatists - once he realizes Lyonie is no longer under control, Rish Loo stabs him and makes his escape.

    While ensuring the not-dead-yet Lyonie has proper medical care, Anakin and PAdme realize that Jar-Jar looks a lot like Lyonie when wearing the crown, and also has the same voice actor, so he could just pretend to be Boss Lyonie and fix things! Rish Loo rallies the troops to attack Theed to avenge Boss Lyonie , but Boss Lyonie/Jar-Jar shows up to talk them out of it. Rish Loo escapes on a speeder this time, chased by Anakin. At the same time, the droid army arrives to find out why the attack was canceled. "Boss Lyonie'' meets with General Grievous to attempt to call it off. When that doesn't work, he has General Tarpals leave and make a quick speech to Padme about how he really likes the Naboo people and is definitely not going to die in the attack on General Grievous. Then the Gungans attack Grievous, and Tarpals dies, sacrificing himself so Grievous can be captured.

    Darth Sidious says this is bad, and orders Dooku to capture Skywalker, then trade him back to the Republic for Grievous. Rish Loo leads Skywalker to Dooku, who is also on Naboo. Once they both arrive, Dooku kills Rish Loo, then he and a number of MagnaGuard attack Skywalker and the battle rages! The numbers game is too much for Anakin, and he is captured. Dooku offers the trade, which Padme regretfully declines - Grievous is far more valuable. But Jar-Jar and Lyonie talk her into accepting the deal, because of friendship. The exchange happens, and we reach THE END.


    The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 5 and 6: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/794938c4-0700-4b1f-a6c3-20aff7ca1b39

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  • We buck convention and produce a recap podcast that is shorter than the source material this week!

    Closing Crawl produces propaganda for the monarchy this week, in exchange for a boatload of eels as we put another squid on the barbie and heads down under the sea.

    There is dissension on Mon Cala between the "aggressive squid-like Quarren" and "their peaceful neighbors the Mon Calamari". The Mon Calamari king of the planet has been assassinated, and his son, Prince Lee-Char, is young and untested. The Quarren indicate a preference for self-determination, but the Mon Calamari let them know rules are rules, and the rules are male-line primogeniture.

    With civil war now inevitable (question mark?), the Republic sends a clone company led by Kit Fisto and Ahsoka Tano. But the Quarren, backed by Dooku and the Separatists attack first! Tamson tries to kill Lee-Char and fails, and the Quarren retreat for the day. But then they come back with their new super-weapon, Hydroid Medusae! Which are giant cyborg jellyfish. The Mon Calamari cannot beat electrical tentacles, so they retreat to a cave system.

    Chocki is getting chewed out by Dooku for letting Lee Char escape because the writers room doesn’t understand ‘show, don’t tell’. Dooku then advocates for internment camps for the Mon Cal in a direct ball kicking to our theory of moral equivalence between the Republic and Separatists. Kit Fisto requests help from his own Space Time (™) with Mace and Yoda. Ackbar continues to Peter Principle poor Lee Char and somehow everyone is cool with that. Meanwhile Yoda stumbles on the idea of conscription, and Obi Wan suggests the Gungans because he’s petty. Kit Fisto uses the dreaded rear admiral on some Quarren to steal their mini sub for his less moist peers. Lee Char goes into hiding. The Gungans are concerned, but Jar Jar convinces everyone that Padme ‘helped’ them suggesting that Gungans are part goldfish, and they promptly decide to jump into the meat grinder of Padme’s poor judgment. Kit Fisto is excited to see Gungans because it means the post victory orgy just got interesting. I can’t think of any other reason anyone would be relieved to see Gungans. Chocki uses a cyclone in a bottle from the local children’s museum to brutalize the Mon Cal and Gungan forces. Everyone but Ahsoka and Lee Char are captured.

    We open on Padme, Jar Jar, Anakin, and Kit Fisto being interrogated by Biff Tannen, er, Riff Tamson. The prince and Ahsoka come up with a plan to free the prisoners. Meanwhile, Tamson breaks Padme’s helmet to encourage Anakin to talk. The prince believes that Ri will join the Mon Cal to overthrow the separatists and Tamson… and he’s right. At just the right time, the Quarren, Mon Cal, Gungans, and clones all fight back against the droids and sharks. The prince kills Tamson by shooting an explosive he stuck in his shoulder… and OH GOD!!! That’s a floating, decapitated head!?!

    The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 1, 2 and 3: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/0118dfcf-cb59-44eb-bb93-15888e9cb8a6

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