Episodes
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The wounding we don't see within ourselves, tends to get intellectualized and projected out onto the world. I dig into the story of Dr. Elizabeth Loftus, the top most expert on the "falsity" of recovered memories of sexual abuse. She was fondled at the age of 6 and believes that that incident "did not affect her much". She has devoted her career as a psychologist to create bodies of scientific research to discredit recovery of repressed memories. How cosmically ironic and ridiculous!It's high time that we discard "wisdom" from anyone who is unwilling to share what wounding they experienced in *this* lifetime to be able to gather that wisdom. Otherwise we are at the mercy of depressed philosophers and influencers who parrot those same old quotes that you've seen a gazillion times. As a society, we deserve better!#childhoodsexualtrauma#childhoodsexualabuse#repressedmemories
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Often in the journey of an #adultsurvivor of #childhoodsexualabuse towards Wholeness, they have to face the Rage that lives within their bodies for the gross violation of boundaries that they experienced as a child. Rage is an emotion that exists to represent past violation of boundaries that have not been fully addressed and alchemized.It's a trope in the adult survivor world that often (not always), it's easier to access this Rage against the person who was supposed to be taking care of you instead of the perpertrator. There's a felt sense of deep betrayal. It's almost as if the enraged part is screaming at our caretaker (parents, or otherwise)–"YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB. TO NOT LET ME BE RAPED. AND YOU FAILED MISERABLY AT IT.". Your experience may vary, of course. If there's one thing I've learnt in exploring these dark recesses of human society, it's that there is a broad spectrum of experiences that we go through as humans both in our abuse and in our healing journeys. And yet, this is a trope that I encounter time and again.The movie #Eileen, based on a novel by the same name from Ottessa Moshfegh, explores the tragedy of the caretaker. In this case, the mom of a boy, who let her husband continue raping him.I found this movie, and this scene in particular, to be a very healing piece of art. I hope that's your experience too. Whether it is or not, I hope to hear from you in the comments 🌱
This is an audio taken from the video uploaded on my YouTube channel – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaG8Gep2Yko
Copyright belongs to the movie owners. Scene borrowed under Fair Use for critical commentary.
#eileenmovie #annehathaway
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Missing episodes?
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Wolf is a fascinating human that I crossed paths with quite serendipitously through my travels. In this podcast interview recorded at Vondelpark in Amsterdam, NL, we dive into his uncovering of his childhood sexual trauma. Wolf is the first human I've directly spoken with who has experienced infantile sexual abuse. He is also one of the most open, creative and entrepreneurial human beings. I thoroughly enjoyed dropping in on this subject with him and hope you do too.
You can find him on Instagram: @_wolfb_ and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/FlowOfConsciousness?app=desktop
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Tyson Adams is a trauma-informed IFS men's coach, somatic bodyworker and psychedelic facilitator. After spending 20 years addicted to pornography, he outgrew it seven years ago and has found his passion and purpose in helping other men master their lifeforce energy. He also co-facilitates men's work leadership intensives and works with couples experiencing intimacy challenges. When he's not working you'll catch him on a rock wall or riding a slackline in sunny, San Diego.
You can find more of his work at IG: @tysonadams__
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In the previous episode, I talked about the panic I've experienced every time I've come close to or recovered a repressed memory of sexual abuse. In this episode, I share more about my direct experience with soothing my own panic attacks by holding different parts of myself with loving kindness every morning, along with regular self body oil massage rituals.
I don't get panic attacks anymore – unless I find myself watching a movie with a lot of jump scares – wild to think I was so numbed out that I used to love these before. Now the skillset I developed soothing my physical body during panic attacks helps me in my work as a Shibari Dom.
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The Panic of Recovery of #repressedmemoriesofchildhoodsexualabuse is rooted in the fallacious notion that what you are seeing is happening to you right now.
Practice reminding yourself that anything you might see has already happened to you. Anything that you might be afraid of needing to do is a choice that you don’t have to make right now.
I’ve found this reminder to self a wonderful way of soothing myself during #panicattacks and aiding the recovery process. -
"I'd really like to dance with the stories of my childhood sexually traumas without being treated like I'm fragile. I want the disrespectful, shitty, bullying. I want people to say the things no one would EVER say. I want to find any other places I might have unresolved bits leftover. I think I'll make it a game where I give out points for whatever I want and that clues us all into which directions to head."
I remember reading this post in a closed Facebook community for exploring triggers and feeling amazed that Carissa was actually inviting people to trigger her as much as they could. I felt inspired. This was a woman clearing out the remnants of trauma fragility from her being in a culture where the "accepted" reaction to trauma is either dumbfoundedness or "oh poor you, let's be careful and tiptoe around the subject".
In this interview, I explore Carissa's journey of having fully repressed her childhood sexual abuse to gradually recovering horrific layer after layer. We also explore talking about trauma without making oh-so-big-a-deal about it and bring experiment with bringing levity to a very dark subject. This conversation is not for the faint-hearted.
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Carissa Lorraine Cassiel has her own YouTube channel but mainly shares her life openly on Facebook. Finding herself alone and unguided in her process of unearthing and processing so much trauma, it became her dharma to help others in need of direction and internal map-making. She offers coaching but is also available via fb messenger if you'd like to ask advice, connect, or share what comes up for you watching this video. Don't be a stranger - we're all in this together. You can connect with her here – https://www.facebook.com/carissalorraine
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In this episode of the podcast, Liv Frank of https://www.mybodyprayer.com/ interviews me and explores my story of recovering repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse.In this conversation, we touch upon the fascinating myth of Saturn, Uranus and Venus. Uranus was Saturn's father, the god of the unlimited Skies. Saturn was the God of limited space and time. Uranus was married to Gaia, the Goddess Earth and mistreated her. Gaia asked Saturn to take revenge on his father and Saturn castrated Uranus. Uranus's testicles fell into the ocean and from the frothy foam was born Venus, the Goddess of Beauty. There's a lot to unpack in this myth but we talk to the sternness of Saturn's outlook on life and the competition with and fear of being defeated by other men that comes with such masculine stern ways of being. And how that fear of losing one's masculinity is karmically linked to one's own act of emasculating or attempts at emasculating other men. The unkind ways in which we act towards others are the ways that we are afraid others will act towards us when we are vulnerable – this is an essential corollary of the Law of Karma.Less mythically, more realistically, I speak about the slow recovery of repressed memories. Of going from not having a conscious awareness of being an adult survivor to wondering whether I was sexually abused as a child to recovering memories with respect to one perpetrator including the horror of realizing that I have been sodomized and the impact it had on my own sense of my masculinity, to recovering memories with another perpetrator, to wondering whether I have sexually abused other children, orchestrated by my perpetrator or independently and not having clarity on the same. We touch upon the taboo of enjoying the physical act of sex even when its nonconsensual and many more themes in this rich conversation.I appreciate and share deep gratitude to Liv's holding space, her presence and her gently guiding me to revealing more of my story and I share this story in the hope that it helps other male survivors of childhood sexual abuse – and helps them heal so that they may stop the cycles of trauma.
Liv is an ever-learning priestess, a lover, and a devoted community sister. She facilitates grounding & liberatory containers for groups and individuals. The words “ancestral collective healing” turn her on.To learn more about her work, visit: www.mybodyprayer.com
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In this episode, I talk to Francesca Gentille, a clinical sexologist and shaman. We discuss her own history of childhood sexual trauma and get glimpses of her own wonderful story of parenting her kids, along with some interesting frameworks to understand sexual healing through – the 5 steps of healing, understanding how the notion of children as property underlies the widespread nature of sexual abuse. The podcast builds up to a very tender reveal from her about what (in my perception) is one of the most bizarre stories I've encountered in my exploration of stories of childhood sexual abuse.
You can see more of her work here – http://www.francescagentille.com/ – and check out her Shamanic Kink workshop coming up in 3 months – https://www.shamanickink.com/
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In this episode, I describe my own relationship to boredom and suicidal ideation and how the exploration of my repressed childhood sexual trauma has provided me with clarity into why I would constantly feel "bored" and engage in passive/mildly active suicidal ideation. I have not felt "bored" or experienced "suicidal ideation" over the past 6 months and I hope that this share will help you connect to a felt sense of preciousness of your own life and connect you to the magic that surrounds you every moment.
I cover–
How "boredom" is intensity experienced through a layer of numbness How your Protector parts are the ones that want you to kill yourself Surrendering a desire for Death to Kali Looking at your astrological chart when you are feeling closer to suicidal ideationSome links I referenced in the podcast–
My introduction to Internal Family Systems: https://vighneshrege.substack.com/p/minimizing-regret
Flaws in common arguments against Astrology: https://vighneshrege.substack.com/p/flaws-in-common-arguments-against-astrology
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In this episode, I talk briefly about my journey recovering repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse and the unique challenges that it's brought to my life. If you also live with recovered repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse and would love to write to me about your story, I'd love to hear – [email protected]
I was originally intending this to be a reel on IG @heal.childhood.sexual.trauma, but then it got too long for that :)
Credit for episode art: https://www.behance.net/ArtByIzzy – this image really spoke to me at the end of my Ayahuasca ceremony. The Lion representing rage and the Snake representing secretive channels of knowledge.
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A conversation with Elizabeth McConaghy, co-founder of OP(CO + CO)OP – a self-healing co-working community for sexual trauma survivors. We explore her story of surviving childhood sexual abuse by her father and her ongoing healing process. Elizabeth McConaghy is a writer, teacher, and artist who lives in Los Angeles.
Elizabeth's IG: https://www.instagram.com/ecmcconaghy/
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This podcast intends to be a space to share stories of healing childhood sexual trauma.
Childhood sexual abuse is widely prevalent (1 in 3 women, 1 in 6 men) and simultaneously, hardly spoken about. The taboo associated with the subject allows this disease to persist within our society. Over the last year, I have spoken to and read stories of hundreds of adult survivors. Traumas can’t be compared and yet, I believe that this is one of the deepest forms of trauma that exists. So learning about it holds the key to deep spiritual growth for both adult survivors and others alike.
In this podcast, I desire to interview survivors across race, caste, nationality and economic class. I desire to allow each survivor the choice in revealing as much or as little of their story as they feel comfortable with, while encouraging the use of non-euphemistic language in describing what was done to them when they were kids. Euphemisms only serve to further dampen the impact of the ghastliness of the act of raping a child and allow such acts to persist in our society.
Here, we make space for ghastliness.
I intend for this podcast to be a healing space for the adult survivors sharing their story. The act of speaking to an audience is healing in itself and I’ll be also sharing somatic tools and practices to the interviewee as we explore their history. If you’d like to be interviewed, please reach out to me.
Episode art from IG: @radiantchiron (me)
