• The Boz: Confessions of a Modern Anti-Hero

    · 01:33:35 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    The nights lengthen, the days grow colder, and our allotted days slough away -- but, on the plus side, we welcome the world's best sportswriter, David J. Roth, to endure the 252 pages of book-like object The Boz, Confessions of a Modern Anti-Hero, attributed to (or perhaps simply blamed on) Brian "The Boz" Bosworth and Rick Reilly. It's time to ask yourself: "Do you like football?" Well, we're talking about it either way. What's this book like? It's like sitting next to a guy telling you -- lengthily -- about each of his conquering moments as a high school athlete while a sherry-drunk golf dad lazily jumps in to punch up the stories with rejected pitches to Mad Magazine's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions". The episode, however, is like bathing your ears and very soul with three friends making fun of a guy telling you lengthily about each of his conquering moments as a high school athlete while a sherry-drunk golf dad lazily jumps in to punch up the stories with rejected pitches to Mad Magazine's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions".     Recommendations: Ball Four, Jim Bouton Slow Getting Up, Nate Jackson "Preaching to the Choir" by Rebecca Solnit Music: "Space" by Galt MacDermot "Lester Hayes" by Maroons "Smooth Operator" by Sade

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  • Slugs

    · 01:04:32 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Things get savage in the garden as we enjoy one of the best versions yet of the MORE OR LESS INNOCUOUS FAUNA ARE COMING FOR YOU genre with Shaun Hutson's Slugs. A nasty bit of work that runs the gamut from gory to incredibly gross, Slugs answers the eternal question "What if you gave a huge Iron Maiden fan three weeks to write a horror novel?"—and answers it well! Let us enjoy this slimy slide together! Trail along behind us, because if you weren't afraid of slugs before, you soon will be. This is one episode that will have you searching for that lost shaker of salt... so you can waste your way through the blood-soaked Gastropodville of...Slugs.   Recommendations: Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House Elizabeth Drew, Washington Journal: Reporting Watergate and Richard Nixon's Downfall Supplemental recommendation: Slugdge Music: "Slug Line" by John Hiatt "Tend My Garden" by James Gang "The Chapter For Transforming Into A Slug" by Slugdge

  • Myth Conceptions

    · 01:30:19 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Grab your Dio tape and tug your jerkin into place, because it's time to get extremely barbaric with Robert Aspirin's sword and farcery romp Myth Conceptions -- and, best of all, we're joined by Dan Boeckner, of Wolf Parade, Operators, and others! Eat your heart out as we rock through a book that has more dad-joke density than an episode of Car Talk. If you're ready for for a sub-epic quest full of military bluster and sexual fluster, then gird your loins, say goodbye to your loved ones back home, and join our party (we could use a healer). But be warned, stranger: 'tis a wild, wicked road we walk, and those who set out 'pon it never come back the same as when first they trod the path of puns, myth, and mirth. Indeed, most come back a little mirth for wear after sojourning in the land where the pun never sets. But if you're strong enough for it, and don't mind mything out when the going gets tough, then this may be the series for you.     Recommendations: David Nichol, Volk Monte Cook, Numenera Roger Zelazny, Nine Princes in Amber Coins and Scrolls Blog Music: "The Magician" by Return to Forever "Tumbling Dice" by The Rolling Stones "Brave Sir Robin" by Monty Python

  • Jonathan Livingston Seagull

    · 01:04:57 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Take your broken wing(s) and learn to fly again, not with Mr. Mister but with Mr. Jonathan Livingston Seagull, by Mr. Richard Bach, in close formation with your friends Messrs. Friedman J.W. and Collsion Chris. This episode is certain to crack you up, as we scramble to lay out the metaphysical scheme Bach hatches for us—and, best of all, you won't have to shell anything out for our yolks! For longime listeners who have been waiting for us to go Full Weed Dad, this should satisfy your darkest fantasies (assuming your darkest fantasies are lit by blacklight and prominently feature wizards holding bongs). If you're a new listener, no, we're not always this happy and positive. But yes—we do always love you this much.   Recommendations: Zadie Smith, On 'Crash' China Mieville, October Music: "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister "Above my Butts" by Gang Starr "Lesbian Seagull" by Engelbert Humperdinck

  • A Shot of Whiskey and a Kiss You'll Regret in the Morning

    · 01:17:25 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Collin Yost's A Shot of Whiskey and a Kiss You'll Regret in the Morning is the book that made Marianne Moore write "I, too, dislike it" about poetry; it's the book that made the rock-and-roll clown from Metalocalypse say "man, this guy talks about cocaine a lot; it's by a writer who undoubtedly has made a number of bartenders mutter "Ah, Christ, not this guy again..." Our first foray into poetry finds us foundering but unflustered. Choke down another shot and plan out your excuses why you can't hang out with him later—because he's gonna expect you to, guaranteed—but just know that if you read this book, you're definitely going to regret it in the morning.   Recommendations: "Tacoma" (a game by Fullbright) "Autobiography of Red" by Anne Carson / Norton Anthology Music: "Green Corn" by NOFX "Saturday Night" by Ned's Atomic Dustbin "Panama" by Van Halen

  • A Million Little Pieces

    · 01:29:00 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    By a writer who thinks he's hot shit (but is actually just a cold turkey), it's A Million Little Pieces, James Frey's fake memoir slash terrible novel. Lauren Parker drops by to help us get through what may be the worst book we've ever read, full of Man Pain, capitalized Nouns, and long passages about the universal passion of the most boring Americans, boxing. Thrill to a baffled, hostile trio trying to come to terms with high-school level poetry like "I realize why dawn is called mourning." Enjoy a spirited argument about whether Frey's prose reads more like Evanescence, nü-metal, or youth crew—and if these references don't click for you don't worry: everything comes together by the end. Once we're done, you'll want to buy a copy of the book so you can follow James Frey around shouting his writing at him.   Recommendations: Girl, Interrupted, Susanna Kaysen Best Seat in the House, Justin Roberts "The Rise of the Valkyries", Seyward Darby Music: "Positive Hardcore" by Good Clean Fun "All Lies" by NoMeansNo "Mistadobalina" by Del The Funky Homosapien

  • Blaster Master (Worlds of Power #1)

    · 01:13:19 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Worlds of Power No. 1: Blaster Master: a strange artifact, here, not as clumsy or random as fanfic, an elegant read from a more civilized age. Yes, what we have here is a novelization ... of a video game ... meant for children. But, due to one host's long-standing relationship with the work, we break our normal rules, and craft for you an episode that's chockablock with crackerjack infotainment, including a decided enthusiasm gap between your hosts, a rich vein of fun factage*, and even—yes—a brand-new game with its very own song! Significant blasting; much mastery: that's what you're in for. So slip into your power suit and check the charge on your laser pistol, because it's time for Baby's First Body Horror. It's time ... for Blaster Master! *Fun fact: this series of books was listed as by "F.X. Nine" because, depending on who** you believe, the series creator wanted kids to stumble over them when they were looking on the shelves for either Nintendo or Nine Inch Nails, neither of which we recommend you look for. **whom*** ***whomstdve   Recommendations: Helen McDonald, H Is for Hawk Adam Johnson, The Orphan Master's Son Music: "Elephant Riders" by Clutch "Standstill" by Gorilla Biscuits "Hot One" by Shudder to Think

  • TekLab (TekWar Series Book 3)

    · 01:23:36 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Because sometimes there's a man, we won't say a hero, but what is a hero, anyway, who can take skycabs down the mean streets without himself becoming mean, because sometimes we need a hero, are holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night, but we don't need another hero, it's time for William Shatner's TekLab! Like a cuddly Mike Hammer, or a Mack Bolan who wages a lonely war against evil but still remembers to call his girlfriend at the end of the day, TekLab protagonist Jake Cardigan is just the thing to slip into if you're looking for something comfy. Action! is the name of the game here, but not so much action that you'll get upset or anything. Intrigue! abounds, but is mostly reserved to "Hey, remember when we used to be enemies?" conversations, so don't feel like you have to take notes or pay all that much attention. Wisecracks! are everywhere, but they're not exactly zingers, so relax: you are more than welcome to join this battle of wits even if you're essentially unarmed. It's an enjoyable, easy read, and we hope you'll enjoy loping along with us. NOTE: Yes, we know Shatner said some stupid things on Twitter recently; No, we don't particularly care. He didn't even write the book, people, and if you really need to take your political cues from an elderly Canadian, might we suggest Margaret Atwood or somebody? Recommendations: TekWar! Music: "Back to the Grill" by MC Serch "Pure Energy" by Information Society "Don't Sweat the Technique" by Erik B. and Rakim

  • Rush Revere and the American Revolution

    · 01:14:57 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    From the mind of Rush Limbaugh and four of his closest corporate lackeys comes Rush Revere and the American Revolution, a book in his "Time Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans" series; from across the pond, Kefin Mahon joins us to learn some American history from a book best described as "What if Ms. Frizzle was incompetent and evil?"... Sneezing, hungry, time-travelling horses, troubled teens in war zones, meat pies with the Continental Congress, custom t-shirts and a history teacher with a disturbing fashion sense: this book has it all! Well, except for a plot, a decent editor, or a discernible reason for existing. But in the end, the real history was the friends we made along the way, wasn't it? Anyway, enjoy this episode, where a charming Irishman learns about the American Revolution with a couple of revolting Americans and we all endure a book that makes an episode of Carmen Sandiego look seriously sophisticated. Recommendations: 26 Monkeys, Also the Abyss, Kij Johnson John Adams, HBO Series Day of the Tentacle Johnny Tremain, Esther Forbes Music: "Bloody Revolution" by Warlock Pinchers "Horses in my Dreams" by PJ Harvey "Rush, Rush" by Paula Abdul

  • You've Been Warned

    · 01:10:31 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Answering the question "Wha happens when you try to write a taut horror-thriller but forget to finish it and just publish your initial collection of scenes and scenarios instead?" it's ... You Were Warned, a couple hundred pages of hard and fast incompetence from the minds of James "The Franchise Maker" Patterson and Howard Roughan, "The Freshmaker." WARNING: this book makes zero sense. WARNING: it's impossible to explain the cliche-per-page rate here. WARNING: it says right on the cover not to look. It's good advice. Anyway, this is our first experiment with the works of James Patterson, and, without saying too much ... this is now a James Patterson-cast. So please join us as we ignore the warnings and plunge ahead into an unadulterated world of positively portrayed adultery, laughing girlfriends snarking on scarfing sushi, visions of dead dads and pulsing body bags, and trucks named Bob. Sound good? No? Well, anyway, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. Recommendations: The works of Patricia Highsmith The Chrome Library Extension Netflix's "GLOW" Music: "Girl, We Made a Promise" by Sunday Shoes "Photograph" by Def Leppard "Warning" by Notoroious BIG

  • I, the Jury

    · 01:24:15 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    From we, the podcasters, for you, the listeners, I, the Jury, by Mickey Spillane. Did You Know: Bad books actually have been around for more than 50 years!? This episode, we we dive into the past and journey to the source of a LOT of the kind of books with narrator/protagonists who take great pride in the thickness of their wrists. Nasty, brutish, and short, this is a book with all the narrative momentum and coherence of a game of Clue, but with all the cruelty and harsh language of a game of Monopoly. It makes for a zesty, pesto-like episode, as your hosts respond to Mike Hammer's rough brand of street justice with their own inimitable blend of wit, talking shit, and spit (-ting hot fire!). Make some coffee and pull off your clip-on tie, because it's time to get judgey with the case of ... I, the Jury.   Recommendations: Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale Norman Mailer, The Executioner's Song Music: "Streets of San Francisco" by Henry Mancini "Flipside" by Freeway "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel

  • Traveler #5: Road War

    · 01:19:07 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Call shotgun, but only if you've got one, because it's time for IDEOTVPOD to hit the open, post-apocalyptic road with our latest men's adventure trip, D. B. Drumm's Traveler #5: Road War. We're under assault from every angle, with buffets of hot first draft prose, torrents of serious horror violence, and dollops of good politics (amongst sprinkles of bad). So pop the clutch and tell the world to eat your dust, because we're grabbing John Shirley and blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated hot rod with a book that has everything short of the protagonist finding somebody's keys tucked into the sun visor of their vehicle. Come for the seriously fun pulp satire, but STAY for your hosts talking trash about everything under the sun (and mixing in a couple-three impressions that may (or may not) surprise you). ALSO: this episode has the debut of a great new feature that we're sure to remember to do going forward, a moment where we dedicate the episode to somebody! Further reading: long, good interview with John Shirley; incredible resource about pulp fiction.   Recommendations: The Fire Next Time, James Baldwin Meek's Crossing, Kelly Reichardt Schismatrix, Bruce Sterling Music: "Transmaniacon MC" by Blue Oyster Cult "Highway Star" by Deep Purple "A Rose for Emily" by The Zombies

  • God's Debris: A Thought Experiment

    · 01:09:59 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    If you cross a plague of locusts with a parade of nonsense, what do you get? The answer does not lie in Scott "Dilbert Guy"'s bizarre tract God's Debris. Nevertheless, we were delighted to welcome back our resident religious scholar Lauren O'Neal to try to get some meaning out of a work that truly seems intended to make you think... Unfortunately, mostly what it makes you think is "geez, is this book dumb". Laughs abound as we sit down next to strangers on the bus and get an earful about the nature of time, the essence of probability, the "women be different than men" problem, and the Deliveryman's Code. No, it's not a season of Futurama; it's infinitely worse than that. (Even the last couple seasons. Yes, this book longish pamphlet is that bad.) Recommendations: Finding God in the Waves, Mike What's Happening with Me, Libby Watson The Leaky Crucible Foundry Winged Victory for the Sullen Music: "Know It All" by Lagwagon "Tight Like That" by Clutch "Blow Your Mind" by Ohana Bam

  • I'm With the Band

    · 01:42:21 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    For Mothers' Day, the mother of all hanging-out-with-the-band books, I'm with the Band, brought to us by star of page, screen, and earbud, Mara Wilson! It's the book that ties together pretty much every trashy rock book we've done. Ties into a big, skeevy bundle, suitable for the landfill, incinerator, or truck stop book shelf. Lizard kings, heavy metal wizards, iron butterflies, this one's got it all! Including crabs. :( Grab your all-access pass for fun, and hop on board the rock and roll train, bound for ... somewhere in California, I guess? The '70s? Backstage? Anyways, whereever we're going, you won't need ... robes. Get comfortable, because it's about to get pretty ... intimate. Turn the incense up to 10, set lights to "seduction" and crank the tunes loud enough to cover the sounds of furry boning. And then listen to this podcast! Recommendations: Almost Famous You Must Remember This Play It As It Lays Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys Viv Albertine Music: "Against the Seventies" by Mike Watt "This Ain't the Summer of Love" by Blue Oyster Cult "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa

  • Valley of the Dolls

    · 01:21:55 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    Valley of the Dolls spins a tale as old as time: three young women meet, attain world-spanning prominence and fame as, respectively, the world's greatest singer/actress, the prettiest model alive, and a, ah, "European art movie" star, then develop various addictions (including cruelty, attention, and good old-fashioned pills and booze), with various, mostly very sad, outcomes. There was no way we could have handled this one solo, and we were incredibly lucky to have the legendary Maura (@maura) Johnston join us to try to make sense of this hot mess. Like the movie says: fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night! But a grand one, very grand, with axes to grind, and scores to settle, and unflattering portraits of our friends to paint! Pop a 'doll and get ready to experience the ultimate high, as The Only Podcast That Loves You hops in the candy-pink convertible (with a dog painted on every door), picks up Our Pal Maura, and heads for ... the Valley of the Dolls.   Recommendations: The One-Eyed Man, Ron Currie Girls on Film, Julie Burchill Borne, Jeff Vandermeer Music: "Purple Pills" by D12 "Adult Books" by X "Feelgood Hit of the Summer" by Queens of the Stone Age

  • [FLASHBACK #1] Those Who Trespass

    · 01:08:57 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    We don't normally do this, but given current events, we figured there'd be no better time to dig back through the archives and re-release a classic episode, Bill O'Reilly's batshit thriller "Those Who Tresspass", with special guest Jeb Lund. Please, join us in 2014; a time before Collision, before segments and fun little jingles. Listen to me Jeb crack each other up talking about what may be one of the most widely distributed pieces of self-insert fan fiction ever created. And also, fuck Bill O'Reilly now and forever. (Don't worry, new episode will still be coming out in two weeks as usual, this is just a supplemental bonus.)

  • Widow's Walk

    · 01:05:01 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    This episode, we're hitching a ride on up to Boston to tag along with a sassy, tough-guy grandpa private eye, as he attempts to get to the bottom of a mystery involving real estate fraud, a dead gay banker, the dead gay banker's young widow, her boyfriend, a lot of ancillary characters that don't make any sense unless you've read the other 30-odd books in the series, and a lot of looking at women's butts. Alternate title for this episode: Death Comes for Dadventure. Widow's Walk, by Robert B. Parker. NOTE: this is an older episode from the secret vaults, so please excuse any awkwardness. Life intervened this week, and made it impossible to record a shiny new episode.   Recommendations: Girl in a Band, Kim Gordon Burning Fight, Brian Peterson Music: "Alpha Centauri", At the Drive-In "Telephone", TTC "MMMbop", Hanson "Roundball Rock", John Tesh

  • ICP: Behind The Paint (Pt. 2 of 2)

    · 01:41:45 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    In the second leg of our ICP saga, our grease-painted patron points us past the platinum peaks and into the valleys of his following, less successful, records, and walks up to the precipice of admitting "I started smoking weed and found god" but in the end sticks with "we had this all planned out from the beginning and never changed anything about ourselves." Along the way, he describes both putting on weight and losing weight in the most off-putting ways possible, has a few extremely boring feuds with nü-metal musicians and burns some bridges in pro wrestling, and describes it all in the vaguest ways possible. Then the book just sort of ... stops, and we're all very relieved and grateful. MASSIVE THANKS TO our truly wonderful pals Bill (@sundownmotel) Hanstock and Lemon of the F Plus Podcast for running in, guesting hard, and bringing the ICP heat! Note from J. W.: Sorry this is late. Editing this episode almost drove me, quite literally, to a nervous breakdown. I'm going through some other shit right now, of course, but the sudden realization that I have now spent more than three hours of my life critically discussing a book about clown rappers was hitting me pretty hard. I'm better now. And this episode rules. So enjoy it. Enjoy it EXTRA hard with the knowledge that it almost cost me my sanity.   Recommendations: Three-Headed Shark Attack, Netflix Six Feet Deep / Niggamortis by The Gravediggaz What We Eat When We Eat Alone, Deborah Madison Music: "S.O.S." by Abba (the Bill Hanstock theme) WCW Monday Nitro Theme "Something For You" by David Rolfe "Rock Lobster" by The B-52's

  • ICP: Behind The Paint (Pt. 1 of 2)

    · 01:06:17 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    It had to happen, and it had to happen in exactly this way: I Don't Even Own a Television meets the juggalos, as we sit down with with a clown and read Violent J.'s Behind the Paint. Be forewarned, this one goes places we rarely go; and be advised, this is our first ever two-part episode! Here in part one, IDEOTV prepares an ICP primer. We enjoy endure wallow in the band's early days, ranging all the way from suburban Detroit to slightly different parts of suburban Detroit, described with all the deft language you'd expect (or maybe demand) from the "musicians" responsible for "songs" like "I Stuck Her with My Wang" and "Beverly Kills 50187". Grab a well-chilled two-liter bottle of store-brand soda and prepare to return to a time when you still thought flipping somebody off counted as a revolutionary act.  Recommendations: "Heads and Straights" by Lucy Wadham "Occultation" by Laird Barron Music: "Here Come the Gravediggaz" by Gravediggaz "Malpractice" by Redman "Tru Master" by Pete Rock w/ Inspectah Deck

  • Monday Night Jihad

    · 01:26:02 · I Don't Even Own a Television

    You're guaranteed to get a kick out of retired pro football placekicker Jason Elam (and his ghostwriter special writing pal Steve Yohn)'s taut Riley Covington thriller Monday Night Jihad! Well, unless things like grade-7 sexuality and Steve-Bannon-grade Islamophobia somehow impede your enjoyment of pulp literature. Anyway, come with us and meet the team that stands between us and those who would ruin our football games! No, not medical professionals: the terrible terrorists who lurk among us ... on our football teams. This will make some kind of sense eventually. We hope. Recommendations: 1Q84, Haruki Murakami Remains of the Day, Christa Wolf Music: "Madden 2002 Theme" by Pharoahe Monch "Official" by Pharoahe Monch "Lyricists Lounge Freestyle" by Pharoahe Monch