Episodes
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I finally finished this goddamn Misfits project, so you won’t have to hear about it anymore. (Unless something actually happens with it. 6% chance, hopefully the Bureau is understaffed…) I’d like to give most replies on Craigslist a Craigs-fist. The third favorite LA Fitness in 20 years is closing, because of course it is. A problem with my Harley that would only happen to me. Gene Hackman leaves us guessing, and stop bothering me about Epstein. Berenstein Bears Paradox: “homeless people are crazy” line, from Speed. I went to a Back To The Future event, and realized I’m so fucking old that half the things portended for the future IN sci fi movies are actually happening. (And much of it turned out to be pretty gay)
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What a lovely Wednesday mourning! Colonoscopy extravaganza. Adventures in Los Angeles customer service, starring Luke Allen and Eric Rocha. Going to see Deftones next week, but of course there has to be a catch, because god hates me.
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Missing episodes?
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Polish Brandon is a special guest this week, because I had fuck-all to talk about for 488. I needed back up. We talk about LA haircuts, the Superbowl a little bit (rare sports talk!), freezing your shit, and working at a bowling alley that lots of famous people came into. (And we had to deal with) You can hear more from this son of an onion on his weekly podcast, The Liquor License. One.
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There are refugee camps in Gaza with better amenities and less issues than my god forsaken apartment. There always has to be “one weirdo.” Rob’s birthday part II (it’s never too late!) and the gun range with Vince.
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The Roman Coliseum has better plumbing than my apartment building. Tarantino says “2019 was the last real year for movies,” and I agree with him quite emphatically. For the movie Blink Twice, you’re better off blinking just once, and then holding it for 2 hours. Don’t get “Buffaloed” by the movie “Buffaloed.” (It’s a Canadian piece of shit) My Beatles are coming! The Deadguy documentary. I went to the heart doctor and they almost needed defribulators instead of electrodes. A day of shooting and French fry betrayal.
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Calve-raped by a dog at the gym, and my first stand up comedy set/mic in over a year. (Fuck it) Bob’s Big Boy. Fuck anyone that pre-emptively beeps at you at a red light. I’m getting bi-coastally fucked by the two worst governors in the country. (Details inside) “C.O.M.” movie marathon with mister Eric Rocha.
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Fuck “the fountain of youth,” just give me a ripe banana. The thing about The Thing. God got so tired of the California fires, he put them out himself. I forgot about the time Chris Hardwicke fucked me over.
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David Lynch died. Stop making movies about the wolfman. I dip my toe into the whimsical world of AI creation, and it was annoying, and confusing. Really taking the “able” out of “Gable,” and how Hollywood has essentially fucked me in the ass with no lube for 15 years and running because I dare to “try.” Bored-walk Empire. The air is still horrendous and fires are STILL going…three weeks later, in this alleged 1st world country/state.
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Los Angeles will literally be on fire for the foreseeable future for a myriad of reasons, but mostly “arson.” (Shhhh!!!!!) At Chipotle, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (Suck my Dickens) I mostly likely bore you to tears about my screenplay and the dramatic breakthrough I managed, but it will be worth it because Taylor Sheridan is totes going to produce it and it’ll be on your TV and your iPhone and your Apple watch. (There is actually technically a 1% chance of that happening. If so, please recommend me high end prostitutes in preparation)
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From the smoldering embers of Studio D, I tell you my harrowing final days in Buffalo and the dreadful return home.
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Last days in Florida, first days in Buffalo. New Years Eve, and the trip to my brother’s house. (Please excuse the annoying audio for a few minutes, and my distraction at driving through a nasty snowstorm/white out for a while in upstate New York.) Happy new year!
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Huston, we have a problem. The day before I left was a real kick in the rear end, fam. (Keeping it PG for Christmas, folks.) (And by “PG,” I mean “pretty gay.”) The flight to Florida, and the struggle for a proper Belgian waffle. I had Christmas and went to see Nosferatu so that you don’t have to, then I watched Rogue One directly into A New Hope, and had thoughts on those. I apologize, not only was this an uneventful week, I really wasn’t in the mood to do this episode on top of it. Way to end the year with a BANG!, Luke….
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I observe how much I hate the Observatory. I had no business using one of the cameras from The Revenant to shoot my dick jokes with, but I did anyway. After 27 years of deliberating and excuse making, I finally got my stupid Star Wars tattoo fixed. I can’t think of a single filmmaker in history who has ruined their legacy or fucked up their own movies more than asshole piece of shit George Lucas. I’m afraid of Vistaviews. I’m either having a weird reaction to my sleep medication, or I’m several days into the Drag Me To Hell curse/demonically possessed. Vinnie’s schmancy work Christmas party at the Sofi Stadium. I got to meet my favorite Instagram husky! Listen to grandma Luke’s account of it! Day Of The Fight, and the inimitable Jack Huston.
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28 Years Later, 23 years later. I’m the asshole for bringing up the fact that people are constantly falling asleep and snoring in Los Angeles movie theaters. The resplendent bliss of Arby’s. I mostly complain about several podcasts from the last week. I went to see “Horizon,” the Kevin Costner western, so you don’t have to.
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What did you do on your 30th birthday? Cigar, whiskey, chocolate. (Try it) Capote is a good movie. Reggie And The No Effect, and the west Hollywood diarrhea tour. Kidney stone update! Wild times on the 405 northbound. Simply having a miserable Christmas time. The Gene Wilder doc made me cry, the Ashley Madison doc gave me anxiety (and flashbacks).
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“I’m the asshole” because my Thanksgiving food was fuckin terrible. People love to argue with me, even when they don’t really have a counterpoint. Kidney stones update. (Tell me this isn’t the most captivating podcast on the internet, I dare you) Saturday Night Stomach Ache (instead of “Fever?” Get it?) Keith from Life Of Agony is an overnight media sensation. I’m excited about meeting an internet personality soon. (Or is it..PAW-sonality??) Screenplay troubles, but also, like breakthroughs. (Also “percentage” update. Of, y’know, “it getting made.”)
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It was easier to travel west here in a covered wagon than it is to keep your clean for 24hrs in this city. When will we have holographic projections like in Star Wars? Another untalented spotter at the gym robs me of greatness. I have more kidney stones than a box of Mike & Ikes
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I’m usually funnier, but I think I was (literally) passing a kidney stone this episode. Leno’s black guy. Mike Tyson fought Jake Paul. (More like FAKE Paul) UFC and USA. Miller’s Crossing. (I bet you saw it a long time ago, and should watch it again) The Heretic. “Mondays, amirite?”
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Down with the sickness. Trump won the 2024 election. Halloween. I discover definitive photographic proof of life outside of Earth; “NBD,” as the kids say. Unsolved Mystery of the mysterious refugee camp(?) behind the shitty, shitty North Hollywood Golds. That movie “Find Me Guilty” with Vin Diesel, and the realization that NY DP’s suck.
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I don’t care about Halloween this year, 2024. (Probably because Im old, and crabby. I like seeing slutty costumes, but Im just too lazy) “Girl” trouble. Smile 2 (“tWoOo?!”) Trump was on Rogan and Hinchliffe was at Trump, and people handled it as maturely and reasonably as you’d expect. I want credit for being DECADES ahead of “we all hate Mariah Carey Christmas music now.” Grave circumstances in Bevery Hills.
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