Episódios
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Some of us struggle with a lack of intimacy, some of us struggle with severe codependency, but what is the balance? A healthy interdependency is essential to building self-worth within a relationship.
RESOURCE: https://www.impossiblepsychservices.com.sg/our-resources/articles/2023/07/19/the-importance-of-interdependence-for-a-healthy-relationship
AND: https://www.impossiblepsychservices.com.sg/our-resources/articles/2024/01/19/common-signs-of-validation-seeking-behaviour-in-relationships
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The need for validation is normal. But, like most things in life, it’s really all about balance. Listen, some degree of attention and validation seeking makes perfect sense to me. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense that we’d seek out external validation because it helps us to feel more secure in social settings and I dunno if you know this, but humans are inherently social creatures and rejection is deeply uncomfortable while positive reinforcement feels pretty ding-dang incredible.
The problem is, constantly hunting for approval is not a sustainable way to live. When validation comes from external sources, self-esteem becomes contingent on others’ opinions, making it vulnerable to fluctuations based on approval or criticism.
RESOURCES:
https://hbr.org/2023/12/overcoming-your-need-for-constant-validation-at-work
https://psychcentral.com/health/steps-to-stop-seeking-approval-from-others
https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/comments/14kmiwv/how_do_i_stop_seeking_validation_from_everyone/
https://www.impossiblepsychservices.com.sg/our-resources/articles/2024/01/19/common-signs-of-validation-seeking-behaviour-in-relationships
https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-drives-our-need-for-approval
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just because you became an adult doesn't mean you have to be serious all the time. here's how you can infuse more silliness in your everyday: intentionality
RESOURCES: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/126e9by/i_feel_weighed_down_by_how_serious_life_can_be/
AND https://clementinefraser.wordpress.com/2018/01/29/silly-play-all-day-how-silliness-helps-you-adult/
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To be silly in a serious society is a revolutionary act. By embracing a sense of silliness, you can almost create + enter a new reality within the reality you’re currently in. You can create a new world within the current one, simply by embracing the silliness that appears in the mundane.
Choosing to be silly is a valid response to trauma as well as the general chaos of the world, and should be interpreted as such
RESOURCES ON SILLINESS:
https://www.davispoliticalreview.com/article/a-case-for-humor-how-girls-silliness-is-bridging-the-confidence-gap
https://medium.com/@kellyhackmann/the-virtue-of-silliness-736b9edeccb3
https://meandmine.com/blogs/meandmine-blog/the-science-of-silliness
https://avidly.lareviewofbooks.org/2012/11/20/silly-theory/
https://www.davispoliticalreview.com/article/a-case-for-humor-how-girls-silliness-is-bridging-the-confidence-gap
https://www.aplayfulpath.com/another-kind-playful-revolution/
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/23/why-it-is-sensible-to-be-silly-serious-times-call-for-drawing-smiley-faces-on-fruit
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The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
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We’ve discussed the philosophy of absurdism in the past - the concept of embracing meaningless as a freedom, or even the idea of finding or creating meaning on our own when there is no obvious meaning available. But today, instead of focusing on finding meaning in the absurd, I want to focus on finding the absurd in the meaningful.
DEFINITIONS: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silliness
https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/us/definition/english/silliness
RESOURCES ON SILLINESS:
https://www.davispoliticalreview.com/article/a-case-for-humor-how-girls-silliness-is-bridging-the-confidence-gap
https://medium.com/@kellyhackmann/the-virtue-of-silliness-736b9edeccb3
https://meandmine.com/blogs/meandmine-blog/the-science-of-silliness
https://avidly.lareviewofbooks.org/2012/11/20/silly-theory/
https://www.davispoliticalreview.com/article/a-case-for-humor-how-girls-silliness-is-bridging-the-confidence-gap
https://www.aplayfulpath.com/another-kind-playful-revolution/
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/23/why-it-is-sensible-to-be-silly-serious-times-call-for-drawing-smiley-faces-on-fruit
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Today, I'm bringing you a blog post from Nicole Howard, who said this: "Ultimately, this [mindfulness] is a journey that will never end. We are constantly changing, and life around us is forever moving, so there will always be a need for reflection. You might become great at recognizing your feelings and staying present, but it will still be something you should practice to maintain."
NICOLE HOWARD'S BLOG POST: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-pillars-of-mindful-awareness-that-transformed-my-life/
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Making friends as an adult can feel overcomplicated, but I think it's because we've become increasingly self-aware of our weaknesses and not nearly self-aware enough of our strengths. Maybe it's time to practice what we already know: staying present, active listening, and mutual respect - so we can really build some relationships worth of maintenance.
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Today we're talking about some theories and paradoxes that help remind me that my insecurities are just a natural negative bias that many other people experience, and if we can take active strides towards moving through those insecurities, we can forge and maintain deeper and more fulfilling friendships without the fear of being "unlikable", because (spoiler alert) we're not!!!!
BEHIND THE SILK: https://linktr.ee/behindthesilk
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today we revisit an older episode and discuss prioritizing what makes us feel good. if you're dwelling on all the shit that stresses you out in order to avoid it, you're focusing a LOT of attention on your stress. we focus so much on productivity, but what if we focused on rest, joy, or pleasure?
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Reasoning with the unreasonable can feel impossible, but here are some techniques to diffuse intense arguments and encourage others to challenge their own cognitive dissonance with curiosity and care.
For starters, it's important to find common values to come back to, use metaphors and anecdotes to break down complex ideas and humanize them, remember it's you vs. the problem (not you vs. them), and remember that you're attempting to better understand each other - rather than change each other.
RESOURCE 1: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-you-strongly-disagree-with-someone-how-to-find-common-ground/
RESOURCE 2: https://www.betterup.com/blog/finding-common-ground-with-anyone-a-quick-and-easy-guide
YOUTUBE VID BONUS: REASONING WITH UNREASONABLE PEOPLE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFWF_VnlFAg
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The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
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How do we reason with someone who is experiencing cognitive dissonance?
For example: I know people who claim to believe in free speech but also support banning pronoun usage, race discussion, and even certain books in schools.
How do we rectify the dissonance they've created to support two contradictory ideas?
Unfortunately we can't change other people, but we can help them towards the path of changing themselves. With gentle, genuine questions, we can help them to reflect on where the disconnect lies. Timing and tone are essential pieces to this puzzle, but like with most things, we can get better at it with practice + patience.
RESOURCE: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326738#summary
ANOTHER RESOURCE: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
A HEAVIER RESOURCE: https://dornsife.usc.edu/wendy-wood/wp-content/uploads/sites/183/2023/10/Matz.Wood_.2005_Cognitive_dissonance_in_groups.pdf
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love is an active process that involves engagement, gratitude, and practice.
RESOURCE: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-15454-002
RESOURCE: https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/brain-on-love
RESOURCE: https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain
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When we focus on curiosity, respect, and genuine understanding, we're more likely to bridge gaps with people we disagree with, but this takes practice. This means there is no room for contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling, but that's easier said than done.
RESOURCES: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-turning-against-your-partners-bids-is-so-harmful/
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When we open ourselves up to love, we open ourselves up to pain and loss, but the loss of the love is what we will grieve, so we shouldn't resist that vulnerability. Embracing love's impermanence will deepen our experience with it.
“love is not permanently gifted, it is loaned.” - James Sexton
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Avoiding Avoidance (Healthline Article) https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/pushing-people-away#how-to-stop
James Sexton on Diary of a CEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MGyiqVjdKI
Thich Nhat Hanh's Hugging Meditation: https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/05/04/thich-nhat-hanh-hugging-meditation/
CS Lewis Quote: https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/14816053-the-four-loves
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There is a feedback loop that seems to happen whenever I’m spending more time alone. I notice that my need for connection seems to dissipate as my anger towards humanity inflates. Psychologists have noted this through various research and confirmed that “lonely individuals tend to think more negatively of others and see them as less trustworthy.”
If the feeling of loneliness really worked as it should, it would prompt prosocial behaviors that fulfill our need for belonging. It’s like a craving. Our bodies are craving social connection, so we should then seek it out to rectify that craving. But unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Especially for me.
Basically, when you feel lonely, you probably also feel more depressed, which means you’re not feeling like your most “you, you”. And because you feel a bit unpleasant, it can exacerbate these issues.
Scientists have long studied the correlation between depression symptoms and loneliness, but there seems to be less focus on the cyclical nature of these implications.
The study I’ve been referring to did its best to track the associations between these feelings of loneliness and prosocial behaviors.
Apparently this means the results from this study came with two distinct findings:
Loneliness often comes with:
An increase in motivation to support others, but a poorer interpretation or execration of that social contact.
That idea that we want + seek out connections but feel an absence of soothing and support still, is the part that tends to push us further in the cycle of loneliness and despair.
I thought it was interesting though, that it wasn’t just relationships with others we tend to be more negative about, when we’re lonely. According to the study, we also tend to evaluate ourselves more negatively as well. This lower sense of self confidence means that the odds are stacked against us.
We feel lonely, so we feel more insecure, AND we feel more hesitant to let others in, which causes a validation of those negative biases.
THE RESOURCE: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-020-75712-3
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Studies show intrinsic goals make us much happier than extrinsic ones, but society tells us to focus our time on the material stuff. Why do we think that is?
RESOURCE: https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2021/10/howto-friendship-loneliness-arthurbrooks-vivekmurthy-happiness/620281/
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I'm on my way out the door of my apartment and it's starting to hit me just how isolated I've become. A lot of it is self inflicted: ignoring phone calls and texts, neglecting plans, or foregoing the follow up. That said, I still can't take all the credit. A majority of my feelings of isolation are systemic: it's expensive outside, I'm exhausted all the time, and I don't feel that connected to my neighbors (who don't always see eye-to-eye with me).
So, let's talk about it and see if we can start a more "upward cycle" towards connectedness rather than isolation.
RESOURCES: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/08/hillary-clinton-essay-loneliness-epidemic/674921/
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“Nobody can build the bridge for you to walk across the river of life, no one but you yourself alone. There are, to be sure, countless paths and bridges and demi-gods which would carry you across this river, but only at the cost of yourself; you would pawn yourself and lose. There is in the world only one way, on which nobody can go, except you: where does it lead? Do not ask, go along with it.” — Nietzsche
THE RESOURCE: https://medium.com/personal-growth/5-controversial-truths-by-nietzsche-that-changed-my-life-e8eb712a52c8
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Here is a little rant about people who co-opt beautiful theories + ideas and twist them in order to justify behaviors that are actually counter to its core principles. It's infuriating, but it makes sense... Let's dig into why this happens and what we can learn from the teachings, to stop it.
RESOURCES:
WIKI:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism#:~:text=Stoicism%20teaches%20the%20development%20of,the%20universal%20reason%20(logos).
LANUSSE ON THE PARADOX: https://rickylanusse.medium.com/the-stoic-paradox-can-we-achieve-happiness-without-enjoyment-2e5f3da5233f
REDDIT WITH CRITIQUES: https://www.reddit.com/r/askphilosophy/comments/srj643/are_there_credible_criticisms_against_stoicism/
GREAT ARTICLE ON THE CRITIQUES: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-three-minute-therapist/202301/a-critique-of-stoicism
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The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
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Today is a very special BONUS episode that gives you a sneak preview of what we're doing over at patreon. this is just 10 minutes of this month's 55 minute episode and it gets JUICY.
If you want to listen to the entire episode, plus the backlog, (and all the dailies ad-free!!!) join our little community on patreon and subscribe from there!
The Main Resource: How I defined Cosmetic Procedures: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5300934/
The "complications" resource:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4728899/
THE OTHERS:
https://www.americanboardcosmeticsurgery.org/patient-resources/cosmetic-surgery-vs-plastic-surgery/
https://saberplasticsurgery.com/blog/risky-plastic-surgeries/
https://fashionista.com/2022/08/plastic-cosmetic-surgery-reversal-trends
https://www.popsugar.com/beauty/cosmetic-surgery-reversals-49175684
https://www.clearstepsrecovery.com/addiction-recovery-blog/plastic-surgery-statistics-and-facts
https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2022/07/10999857/reversible-plastic-surgery-procedures
https://www.buzznet.com/2024/07/the-most-dangerous-beauty-trends-in-history/
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TUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcast
OR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcast
OR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica
The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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