Episodes
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Erin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] He claims to be sober, but he’s doing nothing to be sober?
[4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men.
[15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do.
[18:15] Most people who struggle with addiction don’t even know what they want at the moment.
[20:55] Losing a friend is painful. Losing a partner? Even more so. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable in your own skin.
[22:45] Erin talks about a woman’s retreat and how empowering it can be for women who have addicts in their lives.
[24:50] These women all share the same pain; loving their addict.
[28:55] Life isn’t fair, but you can always choose to focus on yourself!
[29:20] We are separated and in couple’s therapy. I’m in grief. How do I practice self-care on a daily basis?
[38:20] Sometimes addicts just don’t want to make the decision to leave, so the partner has to do it for them.
[45:20] A porn addiction has damaged our relationship. How can we reconnect sexually again?
[53:10] He is addicted to prostitutes. I depend on him and he resents me. How do I heal?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
“The most beautiful thing about treatment is men are forced to develop intimate bonds with other men.”
“So for 20 years you’ve used problematic behaviors and then you magically stop it, and you’re all good? Denial is the biggest component of addiction.”
“Doing the work is unfair (as a betrayed spouse), nobody should have to do it, but it is a gift to get to the other side of regulation.”
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Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] Today’s episode covers common questions around the 12-step program.
[3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others.
[3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts?
[5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are different because we have to define our own sobriety.
[5:55] Scott breaks down the different SA groups you can join.
[11:40] How do I find the right resources for my specific needs?
[17:35] What should a betrayed spouse look for/do?
[18:15] What about programs that aren’t 12-step focused?
[20:20] Remember, 90 meetings in 90 days doesn’t mean you’re magically cured by day 91.
[29:15] What does it mean to have a ‘higher power’ in a s12-step program? I’m not religious.
[34:15] I’m a betrayed partner but my husband won’t admit any wrongdoing. What should I do?
[40:35] Who should my accountability partner be?
[47:50] When does it make sense to ask my partner about his recovery? I don’t want to know the details, but I do want to know the progress.
[52:55] His friends are backing him up and I feel manipulated by him. What should I do?
[56:55] What should you look for in a sponsor?
[1:00:30] Can betrayed partners also attend a SA meeting?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
“Eating disorders are about learning how to eat in healthier ways. Sexual sobriety is about what is problematic for me and what is not?”
“It doesn’t matter which SA group you go to, just be comfortable and be able to be honest. If you can share honestly and openly and get support, great, you’re in the right spot.”
“Tami and I are fans of 12-step recovery because that’s what’s worked for us, but there are other options. Explore them!”
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Missing episodes?
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough’. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I’m working on it, but as a result my daughter is an anxious mess. What can I do?
[3:50] You have to take care of yourself and set an example for your family.
[6:25] Does someone need to be in solid recovery for Dr. Eddie’s recovery group?
[8:05] My addict started accusing me. Sure enough, he’s acting out again with underage girls. What do I do?
[11:20] Most sex addicts aren’t looking at 12 year olds! This addiction goes deeper into offending behavior.
[14:30] What resources can I use to help build trust and safety with my partner?
[18:05] What type of questions should I ask when going to a therapist for sex addiction?
[21:00] Do the feelings of shame and anxiety ever go away?
[29:20] My SA still has an enmeshment with his mother. She still treats him like a child. Is this normal?
[33:15] I’m struggling to not take his behaviors personally, despite him blaming me for his actions. How can I heal?
[39:40] Should the addict be enrolled in two different 12 step programs?
[44:20] Dr. Rob highly encourages betrayed spouses to get an STD test!
[45:15] How can I get out of my own narcissism? I lie so much to myself that I believe it.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
“Addiction is a mental health issue. Your daughter needs to be evaluated and supported, regardless of what else is going on in the family.”
“Mental health is different. Sometimes we have to give a little more, we have to bend a little more, we have to do things we might not do when we’re in addiction or recovery.”
“We sometimes look at drinking and drug use as a replacement for an anxiety problem.”
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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again?
[9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so what should I do?
[15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault!
[20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there’s abuse going on in the home.
[24:35] So many addicts don’t realize that they’ll never find what they’re looking for.
[25:15] He says he’s in recovery. I don’t think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship?
[7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery?
[14:45] I’m acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out?
[21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there’s nothing to worry about. If he’s handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction?
[28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What’s going on here?
[9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I’m a different person?
[18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over?
[22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I’m overreacting. What should I do?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent?
[2:45] How do you define recovery?
[8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swear I can’t remember certain things.
[15:30] The label ‘addict’ was incredibly freeing for Tami because for the first time, it meant that there was hope.
[17:05] Should I completely give up hope on my addict? Is it time to separate?
[19:45] If you can’t do it for you, please leave your addict for the safety of your children.
[22:00] Please continue to Keep your home peaceful!
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy?
TAKEAWAYS:
[:23] My SA husband’s one-year sobriety date is today. It’s also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner.
[2:56] Discovery is trauma. What support have you had? Dr. Rob says about a year in is when you run into the relationship. Who are you without the issues of addiction?
[4:22] Married 36 years; in-house separated for two years. My husband is in recovery for six months. It’s hard to consider welcoming him back. Is it time? Dr. Rob says to date and get to know each other.
[6:56] Tami says to remember that you are different people than you were 36 years ago. Learning more about each other is going to be helpful.
[7:26] I bought porn video and left the ATM receipt on the shredder. My wife is upset and wants an explanation. Dr. Rob says when you lie, it takes your wife back to the beginning. Take your recovery seriously and leave your wife alone.
[11:36] Tami says at the ATM, ask your wife if it is OK to take money out for the slush fund. Don’t make excuses to yourself. Dr. Rob says it will never be muscle memory to do the right thing. Put a process between you and the ATM.
[15:58] My wife doesn’t know if she wants to try and rebuild. I joked with my sister in an email and my wife says I am not grieving enough because I’m able to joke. Tami recommends the Couples Healing from Betrayal workgroup on SeekingIntegrity.com.
[18:11] Dr. Rob points out that if you’re grieving anything, it’s being no longer able to get away with lies and acting out. Your spouse has been betrayed. She feels unsafe in the world and her home. Read Out of the Doghouse.
[21:32] Let your spouse her have her feelings and don’t question them. Tell her you understand her feelings because you caused them.
[21:45] My husband tells me not to call him a sex addict. He has only anger and resentment toward me. I mess up. Am I wasting time in couples therapy? Couples therapy will not help her. The wife is victimized. Read Prodependence for people living with sex addicts. Set boundaries and find safety.
[28:06] Dr. Rob adds to be honest with therapists. If they are not serving you, ask what they are doing. Tell them if it’s not the time for you. They will respect that.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him?
[8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you.
[10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships?
[15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her?
[22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict?
[26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner about his wife’s recurring infidelity. What first begins as innocent text messages with a stranger quickly turn sexual for her. It’s a pattern that has repeated over and over. As he is trying to save the relationship, he wonders if this is all due to her traumatic and awful past where she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Dr. Rob clarifies on what might be going on with a female sex addict.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] My wife goes through the same sexual infidelity patterns. Is this due to unresolved childhood sexual trauma?
[8:45] When your wife acts out, what are some of the consequences that happen?
[14:40] There is a men’s betrayed partner group that you can attend to get the support you need!
[16:00] I told my children about my addiction. One of them is extremely Christian and disapproves. How do I heal the relationship with my children?
[22:05] Focus on the work and let go of the outcome. It might not be possible to repair the relationship so soon after recovery.
[22:55] Now that I am in recovery, I am finishing within minutes. This has never happened before. What’s going on?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict who has also been betrayed by his spouse. They have both hurt each other with their addictions/infidelities, however, it seems unfair that he’s in treatment for his demons and she is running around scot-free. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how you can move forward and focus on your own recovery despite experiencing a betrayal from your partner.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:45] I’m absolutely DONE with my addict. I can’t move out yet, so what can I do for my own safety?
[5:00] I feel like I’m repressing my sexuality when I’m sober. Because of this, I can’t seem to be sober for long periods. How do I become healthy?
[8:50] Recovery is all about doing things; positive and good things for you.
[9:45] How can I communicate to my separated spouse that I’m on a good recovery path now?
[12:25] My SA is just not taking recovery seriously. How long does it take to stop messing up and get serious about this?
[18:20] My wife has had a sexual affair. I'm not innocent either, but I feel like I’m the punching bag in this whole situation. Why am I the bad guy here?
[21:50] My addict is just a mess. How can I safely disengage from all this pain?
[25:15] When does it make sense for me to go back to dating as an addict?
[27:20] Is it common for terrible people to try and get “honorable” jobs to look good/better on the outside?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary?
[8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction?
[16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it.
[18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing.
[19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do?
[26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do.
[26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it makes sense for an addict to be put on a harm reduction treatment for sex addiction. A listener writes in wondering if he should completely stop or if reducing the impact and damage through harm reduction is a good starting point. Dr. Rob sets the record straight on what he thinks about harm reduction and honesty.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:45] My partner admitted he’s a liar and a cheater, but will not admit he’s an addict. He doesn’t “relate” to it. Will he ever be sober?
[5:20] How can someone not be co-dependent if they have no sense of self?
[12:30] I’m not ready to tell my family about his addiction, but I also feel like I’m hiding a big part of myself from them. How do I manage both worlds?
[15:50] How do I let go of old PTSD? I keep retraumatizing myself.
[20:05] My husband says all the right things but there’s no real empathy.
[25:20] I have been sober for a year, but I still use harm reduction techniques. Does this still count as sober?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who is struggling to be a more empathetic person to their partner. Despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to be present and emotionally available for her. Is this because he has ADHD? Is he just broken? How can he fix this? Dr. Rob and Tami offer a more detailed insight into what might actually be going on.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] How do I build trust with myself again to pick better after dating a sex addict?
[2:35] Date them long enough to see if they have the ability to self-reflect.
[7:15] My empathy is broken. How do I change?
[11:45] I found out my same-sex partner has been acting out with the opposite sex. Is it because her needs just aren’t being met or is this addiction?[18:25] I think I’m addicted to him, but I’ve read that you can’t be addicted to a person. How do you explain this?
[20:15] What are sex addicts actually addicted to?
[28:15] Is there a rough draft of what healthy boundaries look like?
[30:15] Dr. Rob offers some examples of what a boundary would look like with an addict.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do when your addict is incredibly jealous when you have friends of the opposite sex. It seems very hypocritical when they’re the ones who caused harm and cheated in the first place. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how to set healthy boundaries with someone who is out-of-their-mind jealous.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] How do I believe my addict is being honest without a polygraph?
[6:25] My boyfriend is obsessed with his niece. Very touchy with her. This seems very strange.
[11:30] He accuses me of being close to other men despite him being the one who cheated. How can I be calm when addressing this behavior?
[15:55] He’s never been honest about him acting out. I have to catch him in the act. What should I do?
[20:00] You’re incredibly focused on him and his needs, but what about you? What are your needs?
[21:05] My husband dropped two big bombs on me. Is this marriage just over?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami discuss what an addict can do if the 12-step program just isn’t for them. Should they stop going? Should they keep white-knuckling it? Tami offers resources for those who feel very out of place at these particular meetings. When it comes to recovery, getting the help you need and doing so correctly is the most important step in the process.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] I noticed my SA and other SA men do not have healthy male friendships. Is this normal?
[4:15] If these unhealthy female relationships make you uncomfortable, you need to voice your concerns.
[6:45] My SA wants guarantees from me that I’ll still be with him once he enters into a program. How do I handle this?
[11:00] Every therapist says addiction isn’t about the sex, however, my addict says otherwise. What do you think, Dr. Rob?
[14:30] Why do addicts have intimate avoidant attachment issues?
[18:05] I don’t seem to fit into the 12-Step program but I still go anyway. Is there any chance I can find integrity without attending these particular meetings?
[24:55] What does a healthy sexual relationship look like in a married couple?
[27:40] If you’re a betrayed spouse, please read Dr. Rob’s book Prodependence. It will help clarify any questions you might have.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
“What is the Concept of ‘Home,’ Really?”
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Dr. Rob and Tami discuss why someone would “suddenly” become an addict in their mid-40s. Sometimes, there were no inklings that this person was even an addict in the first place, but how true is that? Dr. Rob breaks down why someone might become an addict out of the blue in this week’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] My husband has nocturnal emissions. Is this normal or is he just lying?
[8:05] My husband left some things out in formal disclosure. His therapist doesn’t think these details were important. Is there any hope that he’ll change?
[13:05] Dr. Rob is concerned for people who lie in their recovery groups and to their therapists.
[17:35] Is it ever possible that an addiction starts after a mid-life crisis?
[20:45] How do I focus on my recovery when my partner isn’t sure if she wants to be with me?
[23:25] What is the difference between prodependency and codependency?
[27:15] How can I retrain my mind and be a better man?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
What is the Concept of “Home,” Really?
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Dr. Rob and Tami dive into when it makes sense for someone to date again after being sober and in recovery from sex, love, or porn addiction. This can be tricky for some professionals to determine, but Dr. Rob and Tami walk through some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you take that next step in the relationship. Remember, the goal isn’t to have sex in the dating process, it’s to get to know that person.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] How do I know if someone in recovery is ready to date again?
[5:15] The goal isn’t to have sex. The goal is to get to know the person.
[6:25] Dr. Rob, can you explain what is a home?
[15:15] I am having a hard time coping with my addictions. What can I do?
[20:45] It takes work to become a better person.
[25:00] Do people with OCD also have a higher chance to suffer from addiction?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
“What is the Concept of ‘Home,’ Really?”
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse whose sex addict husband isn’t doing the work. He says that he won’t act out anymore because she’s “fixed” after all the therapy she’s doing. What kind of logic is this? Dr. Rob calls out this deflection behavior and wants every betrayed spouse to remember three important and critical things about themselves.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] My husband says he’ll kill himself before he’ll act out again. Not sure what to make out of this? Should I be concerned?
[6:05] My SA is so mean that when he does something nice, I think it’s malicious. How do I view him in a better light?
[9:35] Is masturbation considered a betrayal?
[13:35] Addicts are very good at compartmentalizing. We have an intimacy disorder.
[16:40] My husband is no longer in a program. He believes he won’t be acting out anymore because I’m all “fixed.” Can I trust this?
[21:05] Spouses! Dr. Rob wants you to write these three things down on pen and paper.
[23:20] You can contribute to the problems in your marriage, but you cannot contribute to someone else making a decision toward what they want to do with their life.
[25:15] Addicts have a million ways of telling you it’s your fault.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a distraught mother who has no idea how to work through her daughter’s feelings and emotions about her father’s sexual betrayal. Despite the young daughter going to a therapist, the mother is receiving news from him that she should be 100% honest with her daughter about what’s happening in the household. Dr. Rob weighs in on how this isn’t healthy or good advice, and how to best approach this instead.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:45] My 9-year-old daughter found out about his affairs and is now self-harming. What can I do to help her through this?
[7:00] My wife stopped mid-way through formal disclosure. I revealed more info to her a few months later, and now she wants a divorce. How can I best show up for her now?
[14:25] My husband has been in and out of sobriety. Am I crazy that this man just isn’t doing the work?
[19:25] Your spouse just isn’t in recovery. He's checking the minimal boxes. What can you do to show up for you?
[20:55] I don’t think I will ever be able to have sex with this man ever again. Should I just leave this relationship?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: [email protected]
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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