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“I was the kind of parent who was a negotiator; when rules were broken, I would give them an out.” David Yale – Hyde Alumni Parent
David’s wife died when his daughter was eleven years old. Their parenting style together had been to negotiate with their kids. “We wanted them to be happy,” he says.
With his wife’s untimely death, David had to parent not only through his own grief, but that of his kids. It was inevitable that their happiness was important to him and he says he knows he overcompensated for their loss.
“Ultimately,” he shares, “you have to get to a place as a parent where you deal with your kids’ unhappiness with the higher goal of them becoming well-rounded, high-character people. [The Priority] Taking hold and Letting go taught me that I had to give them some of the tools but at the same time it’s up to them to model the behavior or not and deal with whatever comes out of that.”
David shares not only what The Biggest Job Parenting Program taught him about his parenting, but also about the community he found within the program.
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“The more vulnerability that I share with my children, the closer we become.” Luc Levensohn, Hyde Alumni Parent
Luc’s daughter was dealing with anxiety in high school, mostly caused by self-applied pressure to achieve in a school culture very focused on achievement.
When Luc and his family found Hyde, he learned a lot about the need for a different kind of communication with his daughter – one based on unconditional love but that still included boundaries and accountability.
In this brief, candid interview with a former Hyde dad, we learn a lot about the specialness of father/daughter relationships and the need to be real.
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Focus on yourself.
Pieter Wolters and Ank Stuyfzand are proud of their son’s character and growth; they are also proud of their own growth as parents.
In our series of interviews with Hyde Alumni Parents, I usually ask the question “What was working in your parenting before you got to Hyde?”
Ank Stuyfzand and Pieter Wolters had several answers:
Ank: We always had high standards for our son and for ourselves. Pieter: We kept to the same guidelines in a situation. Ank: We kept an open communication with each other.Despite what sounds like a solid foundation in their parenting, they felt their son needed a school with more structure. They were not seeking a character-based school, but after visiting the school and learning about the curriculum, they were sold on Hyde for their son.
“A huge turning point for me,” said Ank, “was when I was told to focus on myself and let my son focus on himself.”
Pieter and Ank’s story is not unusual; they jumped into The Biggest Job Parent Program with both feet, not really liking it very much at first, but knowing they needed to make some changes in themselves. They advise other parents to do the same. They are proud of where their son is today and proud of themselves as parents.
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What’s Your Parenting Style?
Hyde Alumni Parent, Kate Carey, says hers was “Why am I the only one who sees clearly? I’m a victim and I’ve got some resentment.” She describes her husband’s style as “sometimes pampering, sometimes fury.” Both are very descriptive!
Whatever your parenting style, you’ll enjoy this brief but sincere conversation with Kate, who realized in their first experience – the interview – that Hyde was the place for her son. She learned that letting go meant allowing her son to make mistakes and learn from them; appreciating that he could teach his parents some things, and that working on her own growth was the best thing for herself and her whole family.
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Podcast 103: Jeff and Melissa Burroughs: Their daughter brought them back to Hyde…
“I didn’t really want my daughter to go away to school…” Jeff Burroughs, former assistant Head of Hyde School, and Hyde Alumni Parent.
As former teachers and administrators at The Hyde School, both Jeff and Melissa Burroughs knew well what the program was like for students and parents. Yet when they found themselves in The Biggest Job Family program with a daughter at the school, their learning about themselves as parents was deeper than even they expected.
“In certain ways,” said Melissa, “my kids felt the need for my approval. I realized I also had felt the need for my parents’ approval when I was growing up. The seminar guidelines gave me some really good tools to be able to step outside myself and look at this.”
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“Tell My Story.” - Ryan Reid
Jason (Jay) Reid is doing just that; telling his son, Ryan’s story. Ryan took his life when he was 14, leaving two Post-It Notes: one was the passcode to his computer; the second said “Tell My Story.”
In this podcast we hear from a very brave father who misses his son, wishes he’d been more vulnerable, wishes he’d listened differently. “We need to change the conversation around mental health,” says Jay; “families need to be talking about mental health and asking the right questions.”
Jay has founded an organization called ChooseLife (www.chooselife.org) and is making a documentary to eradicate – not just raise awareness – but ERADICATE teen suicide by the year 2030.
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Who would want to do that – crash their career? But it’s the subtitle of the book, Ditch the Gatekeepers and Be Your Own Credential, that brings sense to the title; and it’s a new book written by Isaac Morehouse, a man who likes to call himself radically practical.
Isaac has some pretty radical views on education, careers, and freedom; he believes that if college is a four-year social experience, it seems really overpriced. And “if it’s to prepare you for a successful career, it’s the most absurd format imaginable.” His company, PRAXIS, is a yearlong startup apprenticeship program that helps kids launch a career without a college degree and without debt.
You can find Isaac at www.isaacmorehouse.com
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“Kids can’t identify with our achievements.” Joe Gauld, Founder, Hyde School
It’s our 100th podcast! And our very special guest is Joe Gauld, founder of The Hyde School in Bath, ME. I asked Joe to be the guest on our 100th show because it all started with him.
He founded Hyde School to prepare kids for life; after five years, he realized that unless he also reached their parents, he wasn’t helping kids in the best way possible, because the home is the primary classroom and parents are the primary teachers.
The parent program at Hyde is called The Biggest Job Family Program, where parents learn how to put truth over harmony and focus on attitude over aptitude. They also learn that vulnerability is an important trait in parenting.
Welcome to our 100th podcast!
@JoeGauld | Joseph W Gauld | Hyde School
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“Nothing is for sure when it comes to our kids; we do the best we know with what we have at the time.” - Dan Scott
Dan Scott is the author of Caught In Between: Engage Your Preteens Before They Check Out; he is also a pastor and writer for Orange Books and speaks to teens and parents about child and adolescent development. He has written several devotionals for kids and believes that faith is as important on Wednesday as it is on the day they are in church or synagogue.
He also believes in our familiar phrase: “Parents are the primary teachers and the home is the primary classroom”.
www.danscottblog.com Twitter and Instagram: @danscott77
To Subscribe to the Parenting Teens Podcast:
From your Mobile Device:
Open the Podcast app and search the iTunes podcast store for “Hyde School” or “Parenting Teens Biggest Job.” Click the Subscribe button. -
“It’s About Effort, Not IQ” – Title of Chapter 10: The Sport of School, by Christian Buck
There are so many great quotes and teachings in The Sport of School: How to Help Student-Athletes Improve their Grades for High School, College, and Beyond! that it was hard to choose the one that would catch your eye and make you want to listen to this podcast. Here are a few more:
“Is our goal to prepare our students for the next four years or the next 40?” “While I am a big proponent of goals, I am a greater proponent of a clear vision.” “True change on the part of your student involves change for you as well, and the recognition that ultimately your student must make the decision to motivate himself or herself.”Sound familiar?
Christian Buck left a career on Wall Street, got an advanced degree in sports psychology and now works with students to help them see that school can be approached the same way they approach sports in their lives: with vision, goals and hard work. There’s great advice here for parents wanting to help their kids in the same way.
www.ChristianBuck.com; on Twitter @CBuckconsulting
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We talk today with Ron Lieber, author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. What parent wouldn’t want that?
“It’s hard for parents to talk to their kids about money,” says Ron; “they are not dispassionate about money, and not calm and rational about their kids.” His book gives great advice for parents on all things about kids and money, and the connection between money and values. There are also wonderful stories and ideas from real families that he interviewed.
Ron is the “Your Money” columnist for The New York Times. His next book, “What to Pay for College: An Entirely New Guide to the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make,” will be published by Harper Collins in 2020.
You can find him at www.ronlieber.com.
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“Parents need to listen to their teen. Support them in becoming who they want to be, not who you want them to be.” Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD
Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist, who works as a researcher and writer. For the last decade she’s focused efforts on studying how parents, educators and mentors nurture positive strengths in children.
In her free e-book “Reframing Success,” she lists eight attributes that are important in children and teens:
Empathy Curiosity Sociability Resilience Self-awareness Integrity Resourcefulness CreativityYou can find Marilyn at www.rootsofaction.com; in Psychology Today, where she is a regular columnist; or at www.mpricemitchell.com.
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Would you, as a parent, buy your kid’s way into college?
Signe Wilkinson, cartoon du jour TOON14, Admissions Scam
"Here at Hyde School, we want kids to do the honorable thing without thinking about it."
Malcolm Gauld, Director, The Hyde InstituteMalcolm has been a teacher, coach and head of school at Hyde School; he is currently Director of The Hyde Institute, an organization established to take Hyde’s unique approach to family-based character education to other schools in the nation.
He was not surprised to learn that some parents would buy their student’s way into college; but he was surprised by the extent of it.
“The parents have deprived their children of a very important rite of passage; the college application is the first time that an 18 year old takes their credentials into the world to see what the world says. Parents need to see how their children handle that.’
In this podcast, we look at how the lack of integrity on the part of many people involved in the admissions cheating contributed to the outcome.
Read Malcolm's blog article, "Personal Character > College Prestige" on the subject.
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“You can’t take the struggle out of parenting – it’s built in. The real question is, how much are we willing to challenge ourselves?”
This quote from When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully - and Enjoy Being a Parent Again by Sean Glover, is just one of many wise things about parenting you will hear in this interview.
Sean is a psychotherapist, speaker, and author with 25 years’ experience working with adults and children in New York City. His approach to parenting is the same as The Biggest Job’s: “When parents model the behaviors they want to see in their kids, they lead the way to better communication and a better relationship.”
You can find Sean at www.seangrover.com.
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“Listen, listen, listen.” – Chris Guidera, Hyde Alumni Parent
Chris Guidera, husband of Ali di Groot who was on the show last week, had similar words as his wife about his parenting: “I thought I had all the answers,” he admits; “and I learned that I needed to listen more. The family I grew up in - somebody was always talking; nobody listened.”
Chris thought he was doing it differently than how he was raised, but learned he wasn’t. He made changes in his parenting through The Biggest Job Parenting Program and ultimately changed the level of trust between his daughter and himself.
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“Before we went to Hyde, I was parenting from a very angry place.” Ali de Groot, Hyde Alumni Parent
Ali embraced the parenting program, once she realized what was being asked of her, and says that her parenting changed drastically. “We didn’t have to keep saying things like, do your homework, do your homework.
The parent training taught me to just, one by one, let go of my attachments to all the outcomes and to focus on myself. I was able to treat my daughter much more calmly; I wasn’t angry anymore.”
In this podcast, Ali shares how The Biggest Job Parent program changed her, her parenting, and all her relationships.
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Eric Karlan, Creative Commons license, image has been cropped
“What Do I Need to Know About You?” is Eric Karlan’s favorite question to students.
Eric Karlan is co-owner of an organization called Ivy Experience, which helps students prepare for ACT and SAT testing, write college essays and complete college applications.
Don’t let the name of his company fool you into thinking that he only helps students interested in Ivy League Schools; he helps students and families interested in ANY school. He wants to know how a student is engaged in the world, and helps them find their unique story – what sets them apart – what their values and quirks are, and the obstacles they’ve overcome.
He asks the question, “What do I need to know about you?” because he believes that sharing one’s authenticity and passion is the most important part of helping students get to the right topic for their college essay. “What is an admissions officer?” Eric asks; “He or she is a person; and people accept other people.”
Eric’s website is www.ivyexperience.com He has an enlightening Ted Talk at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTUjyf18XL8&t=8s -
"As my children know from early on what I told them repeatedly… the two most important possessions a person has is their word and their integrity."
Dr. Bruce E. Berger, MD, Associate Professor of Medicine, Emeritus
School of Medicine, Case Western Reserve University.A tumultuous divorce and custody battle led Bruce to seek a school that would give his son structure, stability and an academic education that was character-based.
Having been awarded custody of his two children when they were young, he parented from a rule-based approach; what he learned through The Biggest Job Family Program was that he was parenting from his own anxiety about his situation, not from his principles.
Bruce’s circumstance might be different, but his parenting challenges can be seen in many of our own stories.
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Can students achieve more by doing less in college?
“YES!” says Kyle Winey, college productivity expert, in his book, Hackiversity: The Secrets to Achieving More by Doing Less in College.
When I read the title of this book, my first thought was, “Is this guy going to tell kids and parents that you really don’t have to study in college?” What I found out was the opposite. Kyle’s recommendations are:
Achieve Self-Awareness by finding your passion, your strengths, your purpose and figuring out what lifestyle you want. Maximize Your Marketability through your college selection, the megatrends out there today, the selection of your major, your grades, internships, networking and your character (which he calls non-negotiable skills).“Hacking college isn’t meant to show you all of the ingredients involved with college success,” says Kyle. “It’s to help identify the few elements that rocket you toward success faster and with less effort.”
Our podcast conversation with Kyle gives you glimpses into Kyle’s premise and philosophy, which I think you’ll find fascinating.
You can learn more about Kyle and HACKiversity at www.hackiversity.com. In addition to HACKiversity the book, Kyle's HACKiversity Project features a college selection tool designed to generate a list of colleges that are right for you, based on your location, grades, and budget.
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“I learned that I had to be consistently patient and patiently consistent in my parenting.”
Dennis Cavalli, Hyde Alumni Parent
Dennis and Claire Cavalli went through The Biggest Job Parent program almost ten years ago at Hyde School, but they are still using what they learned.
“I was just going through the motions of living my life,” says Claire; “I was doing what I thought I should do, or what the books said.”
In this is podcast, you’ll find out how the parent program helped them change as individuals and as a couple; how this change helped their son; and how people in their community are now coming to them, seeking help.
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