Episodes
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This isn’t a typical podcast, but then, this hasn’t been a typical month for us.
I took an unplanned break from recording new episodes, and I want to take the time today to share a little bit about what’s been going on for us and why a break was necessary.
Going forward, I will publish occasional podcast episodes, but they definitely won’t be weekly. Make sure you are subscribed to the podcast and receiving notifications for new episodes so you don’t miss out when I do release one.
You can also stay connected by subscribing to the Lifeline, my weekly-ish email list. You can do that here.
I mentioned in the episode that we recently signed my daughter up for tapouts. Tapouts offers weekly group coaching sessions for kids at a very reasonable price. If you’re interested in exploring this option for your child, you can sign up for a free consult here AND get 50% off your first month. It is an affiliate link, so if you use it we both win - you get 50% off, and I get a referral bonus.
Finally, even though I won’t be podcasting as often, I will still be coaching. You can schedule your free consultation (and learn more about my tiered pricing options) right here. If you’re even remotely considering it, I’d encourage you to get the process started as soon as possible. With my renewed homeschooling commitments, I am very close to fully booked and needing to start a waitlist.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
In the spirit of reflection, I want to offer you my own reflections, my own lessons learned over the past year of life with my almost nine year old daughter.
We’ve had a lot of ups and downs this year. Our biggest challenges, in retrospect, have been breaking through negativity bias and navigating evolving friendships. Both of these things have created a lot of stress in our lives and have led to a lot of resistance and a big attachment to personal time. So, without diving too deep into any of the details, here are some of my takeaways from this season of our life.
As I mentioned in the episode, my calendar is once again open for consultations. Here's the link to my website: https://juliamcgarey.com/#work
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
Missing episodes?
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I want to close out 2023 with a question for you to think about.
This is especially pertinent if you were sent to your room a lot as a child or you’ve been immersed in time-out culture as a parent.
The question is this: When your child is upset and pushing you away, or attacking you, or running away from you, what if what they (and probably you) think they need isn’t what they actually need?
In other words, many parents believe that their kids need space to calm down.
Many kids “show us” that they need space to calm down - or that they think they do - by removing themselves from the rest of the group.
What if this is a pattern built on a false belief system?
What if what they actually need is for us to follow them and engage in our own self-regulating practice nearby?
What if we are mis-interpreting the need for a pause as the need for space, for alone time?
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Ready to explore coaching together in 2024? Get on the waitlist here: https://www.waitlistr.com/lists/586ee643/january-consultations
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
I'm publishing this episode a little bit later than I usually do because LIFE, but it's a fun one so here we are. I shared this as an Instagram post a few days ago, but as I'm sure you know, posts fade away much more quickly than podcasts, and I want these reflections to live on in a semi-permanent way.
I don't know if you know this, but I used to teach kids yoga. I taught for several years before my daughter was born, and it's something that I think had a bigger impact on my own journey and how I parent than almost anything else that I've done. So, here are four surprise lessons I learned from teaching kids yoga.
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I’m going to be very direct this week and invite you to schedule a free consultation with me within the next week.
I'm going to block my schedule for the whole of our winter break because that's what's working best for my family right now, so even if you're thinking out into January, I want to encourage you to get started now.
There's no risk, no pressure, just an hour together to talk about you, what you're needing support with, and see if coaching together would be a good fit. I love working one on one with parents because together we create such a personalized path forward.
So, come see what it's all about. Head over to juliamcgarey.com and click on coaching to get started. I can't wait to meet you.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
In the last episode, I shared some ideas for how you can regulate yourself when your child is feeling angry. If you’re regulated, you can respond calmly and help them through it rather than getting tangled up in their anger and prolonging their experience.
But this just helps them manage. This week, we’re talking about how you can help them with whatever is causing their anger. More specifically, we’re talking about how you can figure out what that root cause is.
This is detective work. You have to get curious and come up with a number of possibilities, because odds are your child isn’t going to be able to articulate why they are getting so angry, and even if they are, they probably don’t have a good sense of what the root cause is.
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If you are struggling to parent your highly sensitive child, one on one coaching may be just the answer you've been looking for. I work with my clients weekly for a period of at least six months to help them better understand their child's big emotions and challenging behaviors AND understand and shift their own heat-of-the-moment reactions to their child's emotions and behaviors so that they can show up the way they want to: calm, connected, present.
If you feel like you've tried everything and nothing's worked, let's talk.
Our work together starts with a free consultation. Head to https://juliamcgarey.com for more info.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
As we know, highly sensitive kids feel things deeply. When they’re excited, everyone around them knows it. They bubble over with excitement! Their joy is contagious. But when they are sad, they’re overcome with sorrow. If something is stressful for them, it’s completely overwhelming.
Anger, like any other emotion, is also felt in a big way. So if you have a kid who you think is highly sensitive and they get angry in a big way, this episode is for you. We’re going to talk about a couple of things you can do to help moderate your own response to their anger, and we’ll look at how we can help them in more detail next week (in part 2).
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If you are struggling to parent your highly sensitive child, one on one coaching may be just the answer you've been looking for. I work with my clients weekly for a period of at least six months to help them better understand their child's big emotions and challenging behaviors AND understand and shift their own heat-of-the-moment reactions to their child's emotions and behaviors so that they can show up the way they want to: calm, connected, present.
If you feel like you've tried everything and nothing's worked, let's talk.
Our work together starts with a free consultation. Head to https://juliamcgarey.com for more info.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
I recently saw a Kids Eat in Color post that talked about the Switch Witch. Do you know that tradition? Essentially, the Switch Witch allows kids to set out their extra candy and trade it in for a new toy.
In the video, Jennifer says that the Switch Witch worked great for her oldest child - they loved getting a new toy and had no problem trading in their candy. But for her youngest, the whole idea was creating a lot of anxiety and damaging their relationship with food/candy.
So, as we wrap up Halloween season, I want to invite you to consider what worked well for your family this year and what didn’t. What traditions will you keep going? What will you drop next year?
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Ready to get started with coaching?
Learn more here.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
I think one of most of our goals as parents is to raise kids who are problem-solvers. We hear over and over again that this is a real-world skill that this generation needs, and that their creativity and problem-solving abilities will be essential as the job market continues to evolve.
This is one of the reasons an approach like collaborative problem-solving sounds so appealing. We want them to be problem-solvers. And while I am a fan of this approach, I know it can be tricky to implement if you have a child who is resistant to having "conversations" or gets angry when you make observations about their experience.
But, if you've gotten to the point where your child is starting to come up with solutions to their problems, there is a pattern you should be on the lookout for. We adults do it, too, so it's helpful to understand even if your child isn't there yet.
It's the pattern of trying to solve your problems by changing your circumstances. If you think about it, it's often the default solution when we're feeling challenged: we look for a way out. It's a nervous system response, and sometimes it serves us well.
Other times, though, we can't change our circumstances, and if that is the only strategy we have, then whatever challenge we are facing is going to feel even harder.
This episode dives into how you can begin to support your child in expanding their repertoire and developing the skills they need to move through challenging circumstances.
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Ready to get started with coaching?
Schedule your 1:1 coaching consultation:
Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
In honor of World Mental Health Day, we're talking about giving kids the option of mental health days to use as needed, as well as practicing connecting to our bodies together to help support our own mental health.
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Schedule your 1:1 coaching consultation:
Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)
Get full access to The Blackbird Chronicles at juliamcgarey.substack.com/subscribe
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com -
A couple weeks ago, I saw an Instagram post from Kristy Forbes. Kristy is an autistic advocate and educator with a wealth of knowledge about PDA profile. Anyway, Kristy's post was talking about this idea that we need to get our partner, our co-parent, on our team. This is something that many parents of neurodiverse kids struggle with. On the one hand, you have your relationship with your child, and you have all the strategies that you've tried and that have not worked. On the other hand, you have a sense of loyalty to your partner and a desire to work together and be on the same page. You know that it's going to be less confusing for your child if you're both coming from the same place. BUT, your partner has their own opinions, and they deserve to, don't they? They are just as much of a parent as you.
This leads to a lot of inner turmoil, and a lot of conflict between partners or co-parents, and meanwhile the child you're trying to help is still struggling.
This episode takes a look at the possibility that, instead of getting our partner on our team, we need to focus on getting on our child's team.
Check Kristy out on Instagram: Kristy Forbes (@_kristyforbes) • Instagram photos and videos
Schedule your 1:1 coaching consultation:
Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)
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It's happened to all of us. We're right on track for bedtime, or the morning routine is lined up just right to get to school on time, and then... they get stuck. They're dancing in the bathroom and watching themselves in the mirror. They're picking at scabs instead of putting on shoes. They are pulling out the markers to start a drawing instead of grabbing their backpack. Or maybe you've agreed to lie down with them at bedtime but they just won't stop talking and go to sleep...
There are a number of reasons why this might be happening, but we're not going to go there today. Whether it's developmental or a stalling technique, I want to talk a little bit about how this is landing for us as parents, and what we can do about that.
This has been happening a lot around our house lately, so I'm speaking from my own experience, but it happens with my client's and their kids, too. And I know that for many of us, when our child is moving at a turtle's pace and we think they should be moving faster, it sparks frustration. We get irritated, and it becomes very difficult to stay calm.
I'm going to give you a few questions to ask yourself when you find yourself in this situation, but first, I want to posit that whatever your child is doing, whatever the reason, it's exactly what they should be doing at this particular moment in time. Take a moment to consider that and consider what it would mean if it were true. I can imagine there might be some resistance to allowing this as a possibility, especially if you already believe that your child knows what they should be doing, they just aren't. I want you to consider this and allow for the possibility that it might be true, and consider what that might mean for you. Could it be true, then, that this is a part of their progression towards independence? Could it be true that this behavior, while annoying, is communicating something other than defiance or resistance? Could it be true that this behavior is a sign post directing you towards skills that are still under construction, that they need more support with in order to be truly independent and efficient in this area?
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To get started with coaching, follow this link to schedule your consultation. The only "hidden" step is that there's a brief questionnaire to complete (which includes a breakdown of the pricing structure). This is to help you get clear about why you're reaching out, and to help me go into our time together with a sense of who you are and what's challenging at the moment.
Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)
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We're going to talk a little bit more today about brains: specifically what being gifted means about a child's actual, physical brain. I'm going to be talking about two concepts, neurobiology and neuroplasticity, and I want to define them for you here at the beginning so that it's clear what I'm referring to when I use them. Neurobiology, at its most basic, is the biology of the nervous system, and that is essentially what I'm referring to. I'm not talking about Neurobiology with a capital N, the branch of science that studies the biology of the nervous system. I am clearly not a Neurobiologist. But I do want to explore the neurobiology of gifted kids brains: the way they are structured and the way that they function.
Neuroplasticity, on the other hand, is the ability of the brain to respond to and change because of the experiences of an individual. Neuroplasticity is what allows us to change our thinking, to develop a growth mindset, to build skills and grow as humans.Both neuroplasticity and neurobiology are relevant and important to any discussion about giftedness and what it means. Neuroplasticity is important because this is what allows gifted kids to get through the particular challenges they face. It is very common for gifted kids to breeze through elementary school, but then struggle to complete assignments in middle school when they have to keep track of their own work, manage their own time, and complete more complex assignments, for example. Because their brains are neuroplastic, though, they can develop the study skills and time management skills to be successful beyond elementary school. They can learn to persist through challenges instead of throwing their hands up and saying they can't as soon as they hit something they aren't instantly good at.
Neurobiology is equally important to this conversation, especially since there is a lot of pushback against the whole idea of giftedness. And I will admit, it's not the best term. BUT it does exist, these kids have specific needs and specific challenges that are rooted in the neurobiology, the wiring of their brain. It is simply not true that every child is gifted and their gifts just need to be talented. It is not the case that since everyone can cultivate a growth mindset, gifted kids do not exist. They absolutely do. The proof is in their neurobiology.
In this episode, we are diving deeper into what makes a gifted brain, and how you can support them in developing skills that will help them through the challenges they might face.
Some relevant articles you might find interesting:
How Gifted Brains Function and Learn - Oak Crest Academy
Neuroscience of Giftedness: Physiology of the Brain – Gro-Gifted
Relevant podcast episodes:Episode 93: Overexcitabilities and Gifted Children
Episode 49: Understanding Gifted Kids
Ready to book your consult? Do that here.
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School is back in session for our family, and that means it's podcast season again. I hope you've had a restful, restorative summer (or winter, as the case may be). We had a lot of family time and some great adventures, and I had the space to do some more personal writing, which has been wonderful. I'm sharing it on my Substack, The Blackbird Chronicles. And actually, I've set a little goal for myself to create five new paid subscribers by my birthday this weekend. If you'd like to be one of them, here's the link:
The Blackbird Chronicles | Julia McGarey | SubstackThere is, of course, a free subscription option, too. I'm all about the tiered pricing and creating ways for everyone to work and learn with me.
If you're new here, my name is Julia McGarey. I am a life coach for parents of highly sensitive and gifted children. I help parents work with their child's intensity, change their own reactive patterns, reduce power struggles and meltdowns, and create a more connected relationship with their kids. I'm also often that one person that my clients know who gets what they are going through and understands their kids. If that is something you've been looking for, schedule a consult and lets talk.
You can schedule here:
Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)Seriously, all you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire with as little or as much info as you've got the capacity for and pick a time. I'm planning to take on five new clients this fall, so if you'd like to be one of them, let's get that process started.
Alright? On to the content. This week, we're talking a little bit about filling our kids' buckets.
I shared an Instagram post about this recently, and I have a Substack post about it, too, so this might feel a little familiar if you're following me on those channels. But I want to really give a lot of room to this idea because it's important. Now, I had a particular client in mind when I started writing this, but it's relevant to anyone who spends time with kids.
It's a little bit about self-esteem building and a little bit about self-esteem retention. Y'all ready?
Listen on for more.
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My daughter is at Girl Scout Camp this week, and it's been a challenge for both of us. She's on day two, and it feels very timely to talk about helping our kids do things that are hard for them, and knowing when to give them a little nudge and when to pull back.
I'm sharing a reflection of our journey this week, including the clues that I picked up on along the way that led me to encourage her to keep trying. I'm also talking about signs that you might see that could help you decide not to force the issue. At the end, I connect this all to school refusal because it's a lot harder to just accept that they are struggling to go when it comes to school. All of the messages we receive say they should be there. But it's not what's best for every kid, so how do you know if sticking with it is the right move?
Episode Links
Follow me on Instagram: Julia McGarey (@partneredpathparenting) | Instagram
Follow me on Threads:
Julia McGarey (@partneredpathparenting) on Threads
Join the community on substack: https://substack.com/profile/156200574-julia-mcgarey?utm_source=profile-pageSign up for my email list, The Lifeline: https://partnered-path-parenting.ck.page/bb90846762
Eliza Fricker (@elizafricker_missingthemark) • Instagram photos and videos
Can't Not Won't: Fricker, Eliza: 9781839975202: Amazon.com: Books
Ready to get started with coaching? Schedule your free consultation here: https://www.coachaccountable.com/offering/PZOdY62eCVPeDpmzm3hqRO3hTOBXwRr
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I'm tired of hearing well-intentioned people telling parents that the reason their children do so well at school and are so challenging at home is because they feel safe. Their parents are their safe space.
Sure, there's truth in that.
But is it actually helpful?
For many parents, knowing that they are their child's safe space quickly gets translated to "They're saving it all up for me."
In this episode, I'm offering a reframe through the lens of "spoon theory." Sure, your child feels safe with you, but that's probably not all that's going on. They might be out of spoons. They might have zero energy left for self-regulation, and you're the one who witnesses it.
When we start to see it less as them letting loose because they feel safe, and more as an absolute exhaustion of inner resources, our narrative can shift from "Why me?" to "They are so done, and they need some help."
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This week we're talking about PDA profile autism.
I hope this episode serves as a doorway or a starting point. I'm sharing my understanding of PDA profile and encouraging you - if it sounds at all like your child - to dive deeper and pay particular attention to autistic adults who are speaking up about their experience with PDA. You might check out PDA Our Way FB), Unschooling Stanley (IG), Steph's Two Girls (blog), and Paige Layle (youtube).
PDA Profile Autism is an anxiety-based form of autism. Basically, the PDA brain interprets any sort of "demand" as a threat, and responds with a no. Kids with PDA profile might be viewed as defiant, but it is actually their fight or flight response kicking in. It is not a recognized form of autism in the United States (yet...) and it's not in the DSM, but it is recognized in the UK, so I share the PDA Society of the UK's guide to identifying and assessing PDA.
Another resource I mention in the episode is The Declarative Language Handbook. The way we talk to our kids matters, and this is especially true for PDA profile kids.
Listen to the full episode for a more detailed description and signs to look for.
Click here to schedule your free consultation and explore what coaching together would look like for you.
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I value transparency.
I created this episode to share some of the things that I often assume people know about me that are actually really important aspects of who I am and how I show up as a coach. If you've been following the podcast for a while, these things probably won't be new to you, but I wanted to create an episode where they all could "live," so to speak.
I wanted to create an episode that would let anyone who is new to the podcast or my work can get a sense of who I am and where I'm coming from from the very beginning.
Please know that I am here for questions.
Your messages are welcome.
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I want to share a metaphor with you today that is helpful for adults and school-aged kids alike.To be clear, I didn't come up with this metaphor. You may have heard it before. But it can be such a helpful tool, I just had to give it an episode, a place to live on this podcast.
This one is all about allowing your emotions, and honoring your emotions, but not being dominated by them.
So if your child - or you for that matter - tends to blow up when they get angry or tries to be tough and hold it together when they're sad or hurt, this one's for you.
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I'm sure most of you know what it means to be an introvert or an extrovert, right? Introverts are often more quiet and reserved and they recharge by turning inward, while extroverts are more social and recharge their batteries through social interactions.
Super brief summary, but it's a stepping stone to what I really want you to know, and that's that being an introvert and being highly sensitive are two separate traits. Highly sensitive is not just another word for being introverted.
It is possible to be extroverted and highly sensitive, but it's much less common.
The breakdown is 30/70. Thirty percent of highly sensitive people are extroverts, seventy percent are introverts. Keep in mind that these stats are within a group that makes up roughly 20% of the population in general. So when you think about the odds of encountering highly sensitive people in a public school classroom, for example, roughly 14 out of 100 kids are going to be introverted and highly sensitive, while only 6 out of 100 are going to be extroverted and highly sensitive.
In this episode, we look at what it means to be extroverted and highly sensitive, and how this information can help you as a parent to better meet your child's needs.
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I want to share a couple of questions with you today that are going to help you reframe your thinking when your child is being aggressive, rude, disrespectful, destructive, or willfully defiant.Because the minute you peg their behavior as negative, you start looking for ways to shut it down and two things can happen: they either escalate and the situation gets worse before it gets better, or they shut down and close off a part of themselves. Either way, it is actively disconnecting you from your child.
But sometimes these moments are so triggering, right?
The first step, always, is to start to notice when you're getting triggered and take a step back to regulate yourself. If you're skipping this part, this is your work.
But when you're able to do this and you can recognize that you're getting triggered because it seems like they're doing it ON PURPOSE, these questions are going to help guide you to your next right step.
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