Episodes
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john
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are listening to the show in the traditional position. You're in an Adirondack chair, you're naked, and a lover has placed a napkin over your genitals so they don't get sunburned, and you're having a nice cool drink, perhaps a Sierra Mist, or if you're in Canada, an Orange Crush splash of soda water to cut. The sugary soda of the Orange Crush. That, by the way, quality fucking camping drink. Just a splash, Orange Crush, in your soda water. Woo-woo!
No one talks about using soda in the way that you would use liquor with a different mixer. In fact, that's the only time that that's good. Any of the other drinks I was just imagining, I threw, oh, let's put some Pepsi in this fucking lemon Sierra Miss. That's a really bad red wine mixed 50 with Coca Cola, which I was shown by some Russian guys in the basement of a hostel in London in 2011 while watching the Super Bowl.
That's top notch stuff, holy shit. Like it's rot gut, like be prepared to your, like internal organs are angry at you. You didn't know that your kidneys could have emotions. I'll tell you who else has emotions. Our producer Paul, who's upset that no one has asked him to give me a question, but now we're gonna do it. All right, Paul. Hi.
Producer Paul
Oh John, what's the weirdest thing you've ever overheard in a conversation?
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john
Once again, we ride in the ether in between the stardust having espressas. Quick note, the Space Jam movie with LeBron James came out like a year or two ago. Bugs Bunny is fine. Let's see if I can forget other important moments in culture by answering our next question. Paul? Paul.
Producer Paul
John, what's the worst joke you've ever heard and can you share it with us?
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Missing episodes?
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john (00:10.51)
Once again, you're sipping on a glass of port or maybe a different type of aperitif. You've finished a fine meal of suckling ham, side of chicken, still proud to say keto. I, of course, am John Hastings. We're gonna answer a question. A question will be read out by producer Paul. Producer Paul will read out that question now, I think.
Producer Paul (00:36.085)
John, if you could be a cartoon character for a day, who would you be and what mischief would you get into?
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john
I mean, but what are you trying to find out? Hi everyone, welcome to Questions with John Hastings. I'm of course, questions, just kidding, John Hastings. What is our question for today, Paul?
Producer Paul
Well John, our question for today is, if you could have any animal as a pet, mythical or not, what would you choose and why?
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john
I keep wondering what question that guy is trying to have answered by screaming, we'll never know. Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a Gatorade, you've got questions, it must be questions with John Hastings, I'm of course on Hastings! We come at you once again. I'm doing the Ember Fringe Festival right now, please buy tickets to that. And let's fire up the old question mark, the Riddler machine, the Frank Gorshin. Frank Gorshin by the way, is the original Riddler, he played Riddler in the 1967 Batman.
and was very thin and later I was told by a dishwasher in London, Ontario, smoked crack. But that guy then proceeded to tell me like eight different people smoked crack. So I'm starting to believe that I think that guy smoked crack.
on a real Gatorade tip. All right, Paul, let's get today's questiones. Questiones? Hi, Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John. What's the silliest thing you believed as a child?
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john
Why are you trying to find out, guy who yells will never know. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to Questions with John Hastings, the podcast version of that weird television program that was on at 11 o'clock on Saturday evenings that you would watch as a teenager because occasionally it showed French films, which of course had breasts in them. We of course answer a question. A question is asked.
by our producer, Paul. What's our question today? Oh.
Producer Paul
Hello John, our question today is, if you were a professional wrestler, what would your stage name be and what would be your signature move?
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john
Hello, hello, and oh, hello. Sing that last one to a short continental European man who's just arrived into a train car. We, of course, are not on a train car. We are on a podcast, and that podcast is all about answering questions. We're gonna get a question now. From producer Paul, producer Paul, what's the question? Hello, Paul.
Producer Paul
Hello John.
If you had a time machine, which historical event would you go back to and why?
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john
Come one, come all. Do when the internet sits down and has a coffee mid-afternoon. Oh, is it a Spanish coffee? No, Albanian, which means you just put a bunch of smuggled drugs in your coffee. That's a fun joke to the fact that the Albanians are the one who are currently running most drugs into Europe. And I find that, I just like it.
The word Albania when it comes to something sketchy just sounds, who did this? The Albanians. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's the same thing as Estonians. Who's responsible for all this fire? The Estonians, that makes sense. But if you heard anything was happening with Greenland, you would not believe it. Who smuggled all this heroin? The Greenlands. No, they didn't. They were too busy having a snowball fight and being four people and a puffin. But I am not a puffin. I am a man who answers questions and we will be answering a question right now provided to us.
Producer Paul producer Paul Hi, Paul
Producer Paul (01:08.34)
Hi John.
If you could create a brand new flavour of ice cream, what would it taste like?
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john
Yes, you will never know what the fuck he was talking about, but you will know the answer to one of our questions here. I had questions with John Hastings. I am, of course, John Hastings. And how do we get the questions? Well, we asked producer Paul, what is our question for today? So let's do that now. Producer Paul. Hi, Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John. John, what's the most bizarre dream you've ever had?
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john
We will never know until we ask the question, which is why we're here, ladies and gentlemen. I, of course, am John Hastings and here is Questions with John Hastings. We will be taking one question from producer Paul. Let us not be like a Mark Maron and ramble on with the intro. Let's get right into the meat. Let's head on over. Paul, what is our question for today?
Producer Paul
Hi John, well today's question is, if you were a piece of furniture, what would you be and how would people use you?
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john
Hello once again, I hope you're wearing some sort of smoking jacket, you've got your ascot on, ocelot in your lap or draped lovingly around your neck. Let us all place a cigarette in a cigarette holder, take a sip of a cavassier or port and get ready to sit in a room that I assume smells, but looks very nice in photographs. Because once again, it is time for Questions with John Hastings. I'm of course, Questions.
Let's head on over to producer Paul and find out.
What our question is, something dropped, but it does not affect us.
Producer Paul (00:48.664)
Hi John. I heard that too. Might have been at my end.
john (00:49.578)
A PIPO! It was a laptop charging cable. But you know what's weird about charging cables for laptops? They always have one section that's unnecessarily large. This is the Apple version. PCs always have that large black block. I don't know what that is besides just making sure that charging is a bit of a pain in the bollock.
Producer Paul (00:55.17)
Oh.
Producer Paul (01:10.944)
Today's question John, what would be the worst possible song to play at a wedding?
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john
Once again, we set sail on the oceans of improvisation and we speak slowly so we sound smart. I'm of course, John Hastings. And today we will be answering a question and that question will be read to us by producer Paul, producer Paul. Hello.
Producer Paul
Hi John. Today's question, John, is what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in public?
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We will never know. Well, you will know. You need to know one thing. This batch of questions with John Hastings is coming to a close. We've enjoyed pumping out this content daily for you. We're gonna take a quick break and then we will be back with a bunch more content. This is how this podcast is gonna work. It's not going to be weekly. It's gonna come out in daily batches for a period of time. Then stop for a bit and then start again. And we're doing that because it is the...
most difficult way to be successful, and we choose difficulty. Me and Paul, we're not like you. We're not weak, we're strong. We bought a bunch of courses from something called Hustlers University, and they seem legitimate. You know what I'm saying? This gentleman wears a tiger print, and he has a bunch of cars, and he lives in Romania. And you know what I always say, if you wanna go not sketchy, always go Eastern Europe. And now let us go.
on over to the question hutch where Paul lives. Paul? Hi Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John. Today's question John is, what is the funniest word in the English language and why?
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Hello. Once again, we ask.
Do you have anything to say? And if you're looking in a mirror and you're me, the answer is yes. Welcome once again to Questions with John Hastings. I am of course John Hastings. And today's question, not brought to you by the fine people who have emailed in at johnhastingspodcast.gmail.com but have instead brought to us by producer Paul. Producer Paul, let's go for that.
Producer Paul
Hi John. John, how do you feel about pineapple on pizza?
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Welcome once again to questions with John Hastings. I am of course, John Hastings. If you'd like to send us a question, johnhastingspodcast.gmail.com. These are batch recorded, so we won't get to them in this round, but we will get to them in another round. For this round of questions, let's head on over to producer Paul, producer Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John. John, if you were a superhero, what would your superpower be? And what would your catchphrase be?
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Welcome once again, your radios, your phones are set here to the tranquil seas of monologue. I am John Hastings. Let us question producer Paul. What is our question for today? If you'd like to send us a question, by the way John Hastings podcast at gmail.com. Hi Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John. It's another animal one today. How many chickens, how many chickens would it take to defeat a T-Rex in a fight?
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You will know. You will know the answer to your question. If you send me a question, John Hastings podcast at gmail.com. But until we get to that, let's get to this. Producer Paul, what is our question for today? Hi, Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John. Today's question. If animals could talk, which animal do you think would be the rudest?
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Just having a thought. What do you do with liquid that's in your mouth you don't want to swallow?
Yeah, I've had some pot. And now I'm gonna have some questions. Paul, what are our questions for today? Here on Questions with John Haystrings, a new intro. Hi Paul, I just mispronounced my last name. I call myself John Haystrings.
Producer Paul
Well, hi John. Today's question... That's fair enough, that's understandable.
john
Is it fair enough? This is the one problem with British people. That phrase, fair enough, it excuses a lot of bad behavior.
Producer Paul
Yeah, it's early where you are and you've smacked something. So it's fair enough. Today's question, what's the most useless talent you possess?
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Once again, you join us to sail the deep seas of conversation. Well, not conversation has so much monologues, monologues inspired by questions, questions you provide by emailing them to us at johnhastingspodcast.gmail.com. But we don't have a question from you, or maybe we do, either way. Let's turn it over to producer Paul, who has our first and only question for this episode. There's only one question per episode. Hi, Paul.
Producer Paul
Hi John, it does have two prongs there. If you could invent a holiday, what would it be called and how would people celebrate it?
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Welcome once again to questions with John Hastings. I just mispronounced my own first name, John. I went, John. Widerly thinking of a gas station, I frequented a lot towards the end of my marriage. What are you thinking about? Email me, johnhastingspodcast.gmail.com. Let me know what you're thinking about. Ask me a question. But we're not gonna get a question from you. We're gonna get a question from producer Paul. Producer Paul, what is our question for today? Hi.
Producer Paul
Hi John, well today's question is, what do you think would happen if pigs really could fly?
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