Episodes
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Up close and personal with Ben & Silva!
Here is a chance to hear from the hosts about what drives them, what brought them together and how Really Queer got started.
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Cliff Joannou is Editor In Chief at Stream Publishing working across Attitude magazine, the UK and Europe’s biggest LGBTQ+ media brand, and Rolling Stone UK, the world-famous music, film, and TV brand.
What is shame? It is usually unspoken and undetected because it is uncomfortable and/or part of some people’s everyday experiences. We all have shame because it is a normal human emotion. But shame can be uncontained when it is bubbling underneath the surface, undetected.
Queer people have a particular relationship with shame because their sexual orientations, their eroticism, their gender identities, etc. tend to be shamed by our heteronormative and mono-normative society. The seed of shame can be planted in early life by society and our upbringing by parents, and it can grow and grow until it becomes uncontained. On the surface, there are many behaviours that indicate that uncontained shame is pulling the strings: attacking self, attacking others (including bitchiness), perfectionism, or withdrawing/numbing (substance use, etc.).
Shame is one of the single most debilitating factors in the struggle to forge a life one can value. It can destroy lives, and Cliff shares some of the challenges he has had to face in his quest to thrive and succeed. Silva and Ben explore this issue, which is often so painful the individual may not even recognise it for what it truly is. By looking at the different psychological components of shame, they consider ways of reducing its influence in people’s lives and point towards ways it can ultimately be disarmed.
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Missing episodes?
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Dalia is the Exec Director of Keshet UK, a charity whose ethos is that no-one should be made to choose between their Jewish and gay identity.
Currently, her work often reaches those who have not traditionally considered or engaged with LGBT+ inclusion, and this is further explored during this episode.
Being Queer means different things to different people, and there are some people who hate the word, too. Under the rainbow umbrella, there are many communities, all of which can be part of the “family of choice”.
Being Queer is not only surviving the heteronormative world. It is also about thriving unapologetically. It takes courage and defiance for some of us, but it is worth it. Thriving within the community is also called “Queer Joy”.
It is not about dismissing the struggles of living as a Queer person in this world, but it is about the hope of doing more than just surviving. Queer Joy, like any other emotions, is not static, it is not something we attain and hope to maintain.
It is an emotion that comes and goes, like happiness or sadness, but to cultivate Queer Joy, as in, to allow enough space for Queer Joy to emerge once in a while; we need to work on ourselves, our mental health and our overall well being.
One of the things we can keep doing is to make sure that we are always kind to ourselves, and not collude with internalised homophobia or negative self talk...
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In this episode Silva and I are joined by 2 guests - Monty Moncrieff MBE & Yvonne Shell.
Monty Moncrieff - MBE is The Chief Exec of London Friend, a charity working to promote the health and well-being of LGBTQ+ people and is the oldest LGBTQ+ charity in the UK providing support since 1972 and Yvonne Shell is a Consultant Clinical and Forensic Psychologist, and senior academic. Yvonne currently works with the Metropolitan Police Service and HMPPS as a member of the London Chemsex Working Group, Project Sagamore, acting as research lead for crime within the chemsex context.
Over the past few years as professionals we have seen startling increases in problematic use of crystal methamphetamine (including injecting), dependent GHB/GBL use requiring medically supported detoxification, and use in highly sexualised contexts including a high level of risky sexual behaviour, which has become known as chemsex.
Engaging in chemsex can be managed by some. This can mean that there is minimal impact on an individual’s general wellbeing, work, relationships with partners, friends, and family. For others though it can prove problematic.
This episode explores the crimes, risks and vulnerabilities associated with chemsex, which is so very often a taboo subject. Talking about chems and chemsex is extremely important to ensure that those who need it get the help support they deserve as well as know they are not alone!
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Deenah is a Programs Officer for Hidayah LGBTQI+, an award-winning registered UK charity dedicated to queer Muslims. Her important work for Hidayah primarily focuses on its events, which aim to create safe spaces for Queer Muslims to meet each other and share experiences.
What does it mean to be able to reconcile your sexuality or gender identity with the values that you yourself hold, as well as the community around you? Deenah voices the absolute value in seeking to achieve that possibility, independent of our faith or wider value system in a powerful and moving way.
Ben and Silva bring this into context with their own individual life experiences, looking at ways in which the initial incompatibility of possibly conflicting views may be re-evaluated, to form a solid base for a life structure that protects mental wellbeing and nurtures maturity and growth.
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Tash (she/her) is an Inclusion and Diversity Consultant, presenter, speaker and LGBTQ+ activist, who is at the forefront of conversation. Tash uses her lived experience and identity as a proud Black Queer Woman to continue the focus on diversity and inclusion in society and in the workplace. Tash feels that her intersectionality can provide valuable insight into how to make both the workplace and world a more diverse and equitable place.
Tash is the Co-Founder of ‘Breaking the Distance’, a unique LGBTQIA+ platform, created to provide positive Queer representation on social media.
Queer people have to navigate homophobia, biphobia and transphobia all the time, because their world is heteronormative, mononormative and controlled by a cisgendered narrative.
Navigating this world creates ‘minority stress’ (expectations of prejudice, internalised homophobia, concealing, hiding, etc.).
‘Minority stress’ is chronic and over time it becomes a burden on our nervous system and impacts our mental health negatively. It’s important to be aware of ‘minority stress’ so that we can pay attention to our self-care, and reach out to our meaningful connections, which is one of the best strategies to counter ‘minority stress’.
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Learning to love ourselves is very important, especially when society gives us so many opportunities to self loathe.
Nurturing the part of us that is self-loving, self-caring and treating ourselves like our best friend is paramount to overall well being - but it can be a tough road for many people; there is no rush, it is important to be present and aware of the journey rather than wanting the destination without doing all the small steps.
Connection with self is also the awareness that there are very many parts of ourselves, and what we call “authenticity” is understanding the fluidity of all our parts, and how they interact with each other.
Yassine Senghor is an EDI (Equality/Equity, Diversity and Inclusion) facilitator, mentor, speaker, consultant, writer, interviewer, host, sensitivity coach, podcaster and occasional accidental model!
She is proudly a visibly queer, fat, dark skinned, Black, African, immigrant and gender non-conforming woman with a mixed bag of mental health challenges and currently reckoning with parental loss. As a result, her passion for equality, equity and inclusion stems from the core of her very existence and drives all her work.
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Connecting with others is one of the primal needs that we have as human beings. Our brain is wired for connections. Without connections, we become unwell. Because of shame and poor self-esteem/self-worth, Queer people have a hard time connecting with others meaningfully because connecting meaningfully requires “showing up” and therefore being vulnerable. Instead, we walk around with our armour because we don’t want to get hurt. We can’t have both: keep the armour on, and be in a meaningful connection.
For optimal well-being, as Queer individuals we need to learn to have connections with ourselves, our meaningful/non-meaningful others and the world. Each of those require different parts of ourselves to be engaged in the awareness of connection.
In this episode Ben & Silva talk with Charlie Condou; a proud LGBTQ+ British actor and columnist, best known for this roles in Coronation Street, Gimme Gimme Gimme and Holby City.
Charlie is instinctively a communicator and someone who brings people together, Collectively discussions touch upon the importance of Charlies own well-being growing up, and how that informs his choices for his own children.
Ben and Silva also evaluate the challenges isolation can present to Queer people finding their way in the world, and how connecting with others can safeguard and benefit Queer individuals.
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Surviving is not enough for our community anymore, we deserve to thrive! During this episode leading trans activist, Dani St James, talks openly about her lived experiences and draws on the lessons she has learnt on her own journey to a life that embodies the importance of living her truly authentic and best life.
Silva and Ben also explore key issues around what inner psychological resources are needed to thrive, where they can be found, and how as members of the Queer community, we can hope to build upon them.
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Hello and a big 'Really Queer' welcome to those who have found our podcast.
We look forward to you being part of our Really Queer journey and hope you enjoy listening to the upcoming episodes as much as we have enjoyed making them.
A huge thank you to everyone who has made this series possible!
This trailer is a little taster of what's in store...
