Episodes
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What's this? An offseason pod?
Hell yeah!
Deano, Uncle B, and Lomas are in peak offseason form for this low-energy episode. All we can really say is that Brad Holmes and DC have our unmitigated trust that they're making the right moves to shore up the D, stabilize the O line after the departure of Jonah Jackson, and generally keep things humming.
Query: Is next season Super Bowl or bust? Will anything less than a Bowl appearance equate to a failure? Seems unfathomable, right? Yet, here we are.
Another burning question: Is the new recording platform we're using roar-enabled? Listen to the end to find out!
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Where to begin?
With a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, of course.
Lomas was AT THE GAME and lived to tell the tale.
Brad Johnson is coming back for another run at a chip!
Anyway, there are basically two ways to look at what happened: 1) The Lions had the game in hand and blew it, squandering a chance to go to the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL!; 2) The Lions are still a year or so away and needed to go through the agony of defeat to take the next step.
The Roargasm chooses route 2. Just like the Pistons in '87, the Roar will use the heartbreak of losing a game they should have won to fuel go into next season even hungrier, knowing they belong amongst the elite teams.
We shall most likely pod again before the beginning of next season. But until then, thank you for roaring with us throughout what's been a truly incredible and historic season. Study the Book of Jared, offer thanks to Ben Johnson, and keep ROARING!
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Missing episodes?
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Ho hum. The Detroit Lions won another playoff game, at home against the Fuccaneers. No big deal, nothing to see here. EXCEPT THAT THE LIONS ARE PLAYING IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP!
We were the better team. We were at home. We were favored. And so of course we SHOULD have won. But damn, after 30 solid years of ineptitude and dashed dreams, it was hard to harbor too much hope.
And yet here we are. On to San Fran, a very scary and formidable team against whom we have absolutely nothing to lose. Anything is possible. Possible is anything. Let's go! ROAR!!!!!!
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It only took 30 years ... 3 solid decades of broken hopes and dreams ... multiple generations of roaraholics passing on the disease from father to son ... But, as God is our witness ...
THE DETROIT LIONS WON A GODDAMN PLAYOFF GAME!
Air-Low and Deano (all the way from the Holy Land!) phone in to help us process this historic moment. The game was about as good as it gets. Both teams balling out, doing their thing. Matty Staff was great, slinging no-look sidewinders all over the field. Jared was even better, remaining calm and collected throughout a really close game. Bottom line, Jared made the throws when it really mattered, leading the Lions to a fucking playoff victory.
We're in uncharted territory now, people. The last time the Lions ventured into the mystical land known as the Second Round, they got smoked. Let us beseech the football gods to grant the Roar good fortune against the Fucaneers. Roar.
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Yes, Lomas and Uncle Brother kept recording throughout the entire game. This one's for the truly hopeless roaraholics. Meaning anyone listening to this podcast. So, dive in, guys! See you on the other, glorious side!
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Uncle Brother and Lomas make the pilgrimage to South Haven to witness the most important Lions game in 30 years. We do all we can to keep our shit together as game time approaches.
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Recorded on a tropical Island, this infamous lost episode is finally unearthed and published!
To recap, Lomas and Deano were in the British Virgin Islands for a Wallbrook-mandated Roar detox program. Which did not work, since we watched the Roar once again get jobbed in Dallas by the Cockboys and the worst reffing crew in the NFL.
While Deano was away snorkeling, Lomas recorded from the beach with Uncle Brother, in the cold, windy (possibly also snowy) Chicagoland area. The idea was to record with Deano later, which never happened.
Anyhow, we bemoan the Roar winning, then losing on a clearly fucked up call by the refs. We decide that, in the world of RAA and The Roargasm, the Lions won in Dallas. That's our story, and we're sticking with it.
Inspired by the island setting, Lomas and UB invent the best TV show ever: Lions Fantasy Island. In each episode, roaraholics visit the island, met by a silver-haired Gary Danielson and a little person with the head of Wanye Fontes, to live out their Lions fantasies. But be careful what you wish for, as even the most hoped for Roar fantasy can--and will--have twists and turns you didn't see coming!
Anyhow, if you're listening to this episode after the pre-playoff episode, might wanna stop and listen to that episode first, Actually, do what you want. You're a grown man (we have only male listeners, I'm nearly certain).
Roar.
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That's right! Lambs! That's what we think of the pretty boys from LA coming into OUR HOUSE in the D!
Lomas has returned from the tropics, but Deano has once again set off, this time to Israel, to score some contraband Ejaculions. So, it's just Lomas and Uncle Brother this time. Until, that is, the bold entrance of none other than Air-Low! Like a wrestler storming the ring back in the days of Hillbilly Jim and The Iron Sheik!
We somehow simultaneously look back to the win against the Cockrings AND ahead to the epic matchup against Matty Staff and the Lambs. Uncle Brother and Air Low tag team up to convince Lomas that the Roar are the better team and should win ... and Lomas submits! (Lomas, who, by the way, totally nailed the 12-5 regular season prediction.)
Lomas and UB will convene in person in South Haven to watch the game, hoping that the scenic shores of Lake Michigan will help us somehow keep our shit together and our roaraholacism somewhat in check. Spoiler alert: It won't.
So, let us ROAR together into the playoffs, and pray that the playoff gods grant Sam LaPorta a speedy recovery!
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Welp, it only took 30 years, but the Roar are once again Kings in the North! Long live the King!
The Roargasm crew celebrates the Roar marching into Minnesota and taking down the Cockrings. Yes, our donkey ball sucking D gave up big yards to their 12th string QB, but we also picked him off 4 times. That dude is an all-time chucker, as likely to throw a Kenny Wobbler as he is to thread a 30-yard strike for a TD.
The offense, meanwhile, after a couple of shaky possessions, got going and did what they had to do against a very good defense. As benefiting a QB with a sacred book detailing his exploits, Jared was on fire, slicing and dicing and getting shit done. Gibbs and Monty continue to operate as a two-headed problem for opposing defenses.
Anyhow, Roar Nation, all that really matters is that the Lions are division kings with a home playoff game in the bag. But can we win said playoff game? What if it's against Matty Staff and the Rams (still working on a cock-related moniker)? We'll deal with that insanity if/when need be.
Until then, let us ROAR as one and celebrate this accomplishement!
ROAR!!!!!!
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This very special episode features a very special guest: the one and only Fantetti, he of the scalding hot takes and world-weary cynicism. Uncle Brother opens with a 100% factually accurate biography of Fantetti and how he came to spew a non-stop torrent of anti-Lions (and anti-Pistons) vitriol. But even Fantetti joins in as we celebrate the Lions beatdown of the Donkeys (our name for the Broncos--we couldn't come up with a name with "cock" in it. Sorry). A bit of controversy brews as Lomas and Fantetti team up to cast doubt on Jared's long-term future with the team, which we're aware may seem stupid in the wake of Jared's 5-TD, 0-INT performance. Lomas hammers home the point that the fate of this year's squad rests on the health of the O-line. We look ahead to the next game on the road against the Minnesota Cockrings (good one!), who apparently do not have a QB worth even a single shit. We end with an insanely ambitious 4-part roar, with mixed results, including a synth malfunction.
Thanks once again to Fantetti for brining his mustache into the Roargasm arena, as well as his humor and for the fact that he had the Pistons game on in the background so he could watch loss #24 in a row while re recorded. Good times!
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We open with a return to the traditional serenity prayer, followed by a fiery sermon from Deano, chastising Roar Nation for having been seduced by false football god and having the vanity to believe that the Roar had truly been restored.
We ponder the mystery of the Lions current swoon. Is it the O Line? Is it Jared? Have other teams figured out a way to stymie our formerly fearsome offense?
Other than Gibbs ripping off some nice runs and the Roar coming alive in the second quarter, there's not much else to dwell on. Nothing good, anyhow.
The Pistons, meanwhile, are now 2-20 and have lost 19 in a row.
Tough times in the D.
roar
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In the aftermath of the Roar's split personality road win against the Taints, we huddle to determine what this strange game portents for the rest of the season.
Any win on the road is as good win, but damn if our shitty D didn't make David Carr look like Pat Mahomes, slinging it. The play of the game was our man Bruce Irvin driving Carr into the dirt and knocking him out of the game. In came journeyman Jameis Winston, who was not good.
We praise Jamo, who showed off his superhuman burst and unveiled a beautiful swan dive into the end zone.
The doubly praise Sam LaPorta, who caught all the passes.
The run game was pretty good, too.
Anyhow, the Roar are 9-3, have a very good offense, a bad defense, and a schedule that should result in a home playoff game.
We look ahead to avenging the almost loss to the Bears next week and try to roar it out but are once again stymied by Zoom.
Roar.
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The Roargasm crew sift through the wreckage of the Lion's Thanksgiving loss to the Slackers. Those cheesehead fuckers are clearly better than when we beat their ass earlier in the season. But our O-line looked alarmingly shaky and our defense sucked the most donkey balls it's sucked in a while. Deano even suggests that it might be time to start sleeping on Jared a little bit.
We have no special insights, people. We're as baffled and wary as the rest of Roar Nation. Here's the deal. The Lions are 8-3, with a pretty soft remaining schedule. They're still (probably) playoff bound. A convincing win against the New Orleans Taints would definitely help bolster our spirits.
So, we'll see what happens this Sunday. If the Roar win, we're back on track. If they lose, we'll be recording the next episode from Wallbrook.
Roar.
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With Uncle Brother living it up in Europe, Lomas, Deano, and super special guest Big Don Feldman marvel at the Roar's absurd comeback against the Bears. After dining at the donkey ball buffet for most of the game, Jared and the offense rode the silver Lion all the way to an instant-classic come from behind victory. Hutch put the cherry on top with a strip sack safety, after which he punted the ball into the stands. Which was awesome. Did the defense go back to the buffet for seconds and thirds? Yes, it did. The D will be shitting donkey balls for the foreseeable future. But we'll take the W. And now, here's looking at you, Green Bay. We are going to try extremely hard to kick your ass. Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
Special thanks to Big Don for filling in for UB. Speaking of which: Uncle Brother, get your ass back to the United States. It's Lions Thanksgiving football, for the ghost of Bobby Layne's sake!
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First, we're super-excited about the addition of Donovan Peoples-Jones to to the Roar family. Not necessarily because he's such an amazing player--although maybe he is ... we have no idea!--but really because the name "Donovan Peoples-Jones" is next level. We simply love it and can't get enough, and are already well along the path toward composing and recording a song in DPJ's honor.
Anyhow, The Roar took care of business at home against a pretty shitty Raiders squad. Many thanks to Jimmy G for being a below-average QB and giving the Lions D a chance to bounce back and feel good about themselves again.
We marvel at Jahmyr Gibbs' breakout performance and hope it's the beginning of something special.
Sam Laporta continues to delight.
It's nice going into the bye week 6-2, with a road contest against the Chargers on the horizon. Hopefully the week off will allow the mighty OLine to return to full strength. And we hope and pray that Dan Campbell will use his healing powers to get David Montgomery back in the huddle. Although his absence has provided Gibbs' plenty of opportunity to shine.
So, enjoy the bye, watch plenty of tape, get some rest, and let's look forward to beating the shit out of the Chargers in a few weeks.
Roar.
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This episode is being posted several days after the disaster because, well, Lomas just wasn't very motivated to post it.
What is there to say except that the Lions got demolished every which way. Lamar played like his former MVP self, the Ravens averaged something like 87 yards per play, and the rate at which Baltimore scored was almost comical.
Anyhow, was this a blip, a bump in the road? Or a harbinger of dark things to come. We shall soon find out. Fortunately, the Roar is back at home against the lowly Raiders this Sunday, and we're all hoping they're able to regroup and avenge last week's beatdown.
Roar.
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After a brief hiatus to digest all the fucked up shit going down in the Middle East, the boys are back and more Roargasmic than ever!
Before podding, Uncle Brother sent an email to Deano and Impossible Lomas, asking the following question: Are the Lions elite, and if so, what kind of elite are they?
Now, first, let's recognize that this is the first time in recorded history that the words "Detroit Lions" and "elite" have been used in the same sentence that wasn't some kind of sick joke. Uncle Brother meant that shit, and for good reason! The Lions are now 5-1, tied for the best record in the whole league, and have been dominating teams at home and on the road.
In short: What the hell is going on?
We turn to a newly revealed scripture, The Ben Johnson Chronicles, for answers, and find some! Ben Johnson has truly been chosen by Dan Campbell to lead the Roar to the promised land. We're already fearing the day he leaves to take a head coaching gig elsewhere.
Anyhow, we pretty much skip over the Carolina drubbing and focus on the road win at Tampa. We thank the football gods and the ghost of Bobby Layne that Baker Mayfield throws a shitty deep ball. We mourn the loss to injury of David Montgomery and his battering ram of a body but marvel at the Lions' ability to adapt and overcome. We celebrate The Block that Craig Reynolds put on some sorry Tampa Bay Fucaneer who thought he was about to push the Sun God out of bounds. And by the way, all hail the motherfucking Sun God!
Finally, we can't help but admit that the Lions are playing at elite level on both sides of the ball. The defense, which we assumed would still suck at least some donkey balls, is feasting on finer fare!
We make predictions for next week's road game at Baltimore, with Uncle Brother blasphemously picking the Roar to Lose! We love you Uncle Brother, but fuck you!
And, of course, we conclude with a silky smooth harmonized ROAR, the starting note of which nearly caused Lomas to go falsetto.
Until next week, Roar Nation!
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That keening, otherworldly sound you heard Thursday night? The one that echoed across the land, an arresting amalgam of joy, relief, euphoria, insanity, and release after 7000 years of ineptitude ...
That, my friends, was the sound of Roar Nation experiencing a collective ROARGASM the likes of which has not been documented since 1957.
Holy shit, right? The absolute and total beatdown that transpired Thursday night at Lambeau gave us so much to talk about that we didn't even bother revisiting Deano and Uncle Brother's pilgrimage to the holy of holies known as Ford Field last Sunday to witness in person the Lions thoroughly dominate the Falcons.
No, it was all we could do to fit all all we had to say about what transpired in Green Bay into a 1.5 hour Roargasm session.
If you listen to this podcast, you already know what happened. There's no way these meager show notes can capture just how fucking good it felt to watch the Detroit Lions not just beat but EMASCULATE the Packers on national tee vee.
How to put this? After shaking off an early pick, Jared was in total command, slicing apart the Packer's D with what can only be described as arrogant disdain. David Montgomery and his massive guns and the O-Line had their way with the Packer's D-line, running the ball right down their fucking throats. The defense, meanwhile, made supposedly hotshot QB Jordan Love look like a girl on some Div III team that decided, sure, why not, let's put her in. It'll be cute.
Plus, it's hard to overstate just how satisfying it was when the cameras showed GB fans wearing those stupid cheesehead things looking very, very sad.
We know how that feels, don't we, Roar Nation? And we also have 0% sympathy for Packers fans, who've had it coming for literally decades.
Bottom line, we went Kobra Kai on their ass. NO MERCY!
Let's all enjoy a cozy weekend, curled up with The Book of Jared, watching all the other teams beat the shit out of each other as we experience multiple and ongoing Roargasms and look forward to next Sunday, when we shall avenge last season's drubbing at the hands of the Carolina Panthers.
Until then, ROARRRRRR!
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With the disappointment of a tough loss at home still fresh, Impossible Lomas and Uncle Brother pod it out to hash out their feelings and try to figure out what the hell happened against the Seacocks. Deano? No Deano, who was dutifully observing the 2nd day of Rosh Hashanah.
A few takeaways ...
The Lions offense is for real.
The defense, which has improved from historically the worst ever to just plain bad, still has a long way to go.
The Seacocks are better than their 1st game loss suggested.
We need someone other than Hutch to get pressure on the damn quarterback.
Jahmyr Gibbs is dynamic but it's not yet clear what his role will be.
Every team deals with injuries, but fuck. We lost a lot of guys.
Anywho, the Lions are 1-1. Could be worse. If they lose two in a row at home, we'll most likely enter full-blown panic mode. But for now, we are doing our best to stay calm.
Let's all try and keep our shit together, Roar Nation.
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O-Line
Frank Ragnow is brave and stout
Protects his quarterback
He opens up great big holes
For the Lions rush attack
He snaps the ball straight and true
Each and every time
Mighty Frank will never break
Here on the O-Line
O-line
O-line
On the right side you will find
A man named Penei
He guards his position
Each and every play
If you try to bull rush him
He’ll beat you every time
Big Penei will make you pay
Here on the O-line
O-line
O-line
Taylor Decker is a fixture
Here on the O-line
He’ll pancake block you oh so hard
He might break your spine
At 6 foot 7 300+
Taylor’s quite a load
Yes he’s of mighty stature
A sight to behold
O-line
O-line
You may well have never heard
Of left guard Jonah Jackson
But when you see him do his thing
You’ll surely see much action
A man of pride and honor too
Jonah is no joke
Just ask the defensive line
who he’s blown away like smoke
O-line
O-line
Hala-pooli-vahti Vaiy-tie
Is last but not least
6 foot 6 322 pounds
He is quite a beast
And a valued member
Of the O-line brotherhood
Defensive linemen must beware
‘Cause he’s pretty fucking good
O-line
O-line
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