Episodes
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Today's episode will explore the issue of parenting in the digital age and how to get out of the cycle of using screen time as reward and punishment. Not all screen time is equal. We will look at the good and the bad and how we can best balance being a consumer with being a creator. Parents will be asked to reflect on their own screen habits before looking at a framework for house rules regarding technology. The goal is to humanize ourselves with our children, avoid power struggles and deepen our connection to one another as all of us learn how to co-exist with technology in the healthiest way.
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It is always a privilege to have an opportunity to learn from a teen. Izzy is a high school senior who has learned to navigate her own challenges and advocate for other teens. She shares her thoughts on being a teen today, shares some of her hopes and dreams and offers words of wisdom for kids just starting high school. She also offers advice for parents for keeping lines of communication open with their teen.
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"All bodies are good bodies" is Amy Pence Brown's mantra. Amy's writing, art and activism serve as a catalyst to get people talking about uncomfortable subjects. Through her work she invites us to question where our beliefs come from and the boxes culture tries to put us in. Part of her mission is to create more acceptance and love for others and for ourselves through the process of discovering our own authenticity. She believes "personal revolution is the first step." She has created programs for kids, teens and adults and continues to share her message through her writing, art and speaking engagements.
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Heather Glenn with Aligned Ambition is passionate about helping people identify their strengths and approach pursuits from and angle that aligns with their gifts. She talks about the difference between "counterfeit confidence" and real confidence. She has a six week process of self-inquiry for teens just beginning their journey (or for adults looking to switch paths) that guides them to discover their internal strengths, to find a starting point for the next step and to begin to build authentic confidence. Are you a connector, an influencer, an analyzer, etc.? She also gives permission to pivot, acknowledging that many of us will shift course several times in our life. She works to identify the unique parts of individual personalities that can be used as an asset and teaches people how to apply these internal qualities to the areas where they want to make a contribution in the world.
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The book âThe Coaching Habitâ by Michael Bungay Stanier also serves as a wonderful model for parenting. Todayâs episode explores 5 of the questions he suggests using to guide people to become their own best expert and solver of their own problems. This process can help our kids map their own inner landscape and get to the heart of their challenges. Once the essence of what is really going on is discovered, we can act as a catalyst for inviting our kids to explore the boundaries of their courage, possibilities and potential and help them strengthen their perspective taking muscles.
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Parenting and worry seem synonymous. Most parents become experts at imagining catastrophe. This habit often means we parent from a place of fear and reactivity. Author Stephen Covey encourages us to differentiate between our Circle of Concern - all the things we worry about, and our Circle of Influence - all the things we can actually do something about. In this episode we explore what it means to stay in your Circle of Influence as a parent. The things that parents can control include: nurturing and tending to the quality of relationships, managing our own emotions and reactivity, working on our own communications skills and having clear expectations and calmly and consistently holding well thought out boundaries.
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High school senior, Maggie Olson, has figured out that the key to managing her anxiety is to manage her thinking. She says, "I realize that, yes, I am feeling anxious, but it is okay and I try to fix that thinking into how I can not be so anxious - get behind what is actually happening. Acceptance is a huge part.â She offers some great insight into how we as parents can help kids understand, accept and navigate all feelings. Maggie has taken lessons learned from her personal journey and is helping lead a community service project - a center to help teens connect with peers, connect with mental health resources and simply provide a positive place to be after school.
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This episode is for all of you practicing letting go of your kids. Perhaps itâs letting your kid get on the bus to an out of town sporting event and traveling without you for the first time. It might be leaving your kindergartner for their first day of school or dropping off your teen for their first day of high school. Maybe it's letting go and allowing your kid to fully experience the consequence of a bad choice. Maybe it's letting go as they have their first sleep over or letting go as they drive on their own for the first time or as they move out for college. Whatever the letting go may be, how do you find your inner calm? It is through trusting that you have done your job. It's by wrapping your kid in the right kind of bubble wrap. Wrap your kid in your confidence in their ability. All their power lies within. Ann Landers says âIt is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.â
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How do we move beyond a parenting system of reward and punishment to strategies that help our kids develop internal motivation, good decision making skills and competence to manage their lives? Author, Alfie Kohn suggests that punishments and rewards lead kids to be less connected to others and less aware of the impact of their actions, both positive and negative. Kids begin to think more along the lines of "what is going to happen to me if I do or don't do something?" A stronger approach is to give our kids some choice and control over their own lives whenever we can. When we must take control and we are clear that the reason behind our request serves a higher purpose, we need to help our kids understand our "why" and that our desire isn't to control them. This is how they will learn to self-manage.
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In the middle of the rush to get everything done, the endless parties and the anxiety that comes with the season, don't forget to breathe. Let go of perfection. The holidays will be enough no matter what you do or donât do. Give yourself permission to do less and simply love more.
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Do you remember that feeling of being a teen and longing for something awesome to happen on your weekend? Do you also remember that your high expectations were usually met with a reality check in the form of either nothing exciting actually materializing, or your parents shutting down the potential for excitement? It is important to remember that feeling so that we can remain an empathetic team player with our teen even when our answer is no. It is equally important to trust your gut and hold firm to your boundaries, especially when you know that your reason is life-giving and serves your teen's health, safety or growth in some way. We send a message that these boundaries are negotiable when we cave to begging. It is important to set the expectation that you you wonât cave and to remain calm when your teen decides to fight with you about your answer. It is possible to hold boundaries and preserve the relationship simultaneously.
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When we parent through the lens of our own childhood experiences we are forgetting that the context is completely different, both personally and globally. In what ways did our parents let us fend for ourselves versus provide and do for us? In what ways were their decisions influenced by circumstance and when were they trying to intentionally teach? This episode explores finding the balance between making things too easy or too hard for our kids. This requires us to look at our personal circumstances, belief system and parenting goals while at the same time seeking to understand our kidâs world.
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An intentional practice of telling stories of loved ones who have passed models honor, respect and weaves threads of love that continue through generations. This practice models gratitude for each life lived and for the ways we are cared for by others. It helps us appreciate the good, the quirkiness and all that make up each unique human being. It reminds us of all of the creative ways there are to live a life and, most importantly, of the abundant love that surrounds us. Perhaps one day each of us will be lovingly woven into the fabric of the stories and adages our children tell.
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This quick episode is filled with tips and mantras to keep you present, level headed and connecting with your kids. Keeping your cool and connecting can start with a deep breath and a pause versus a reaction. A lot of parenting is also accepting things as they are and working with emerging situations rather than resisting reality. We always have a choice to "flip the script" and turn any situation into an opportunity and invitation to learn and connect. In the busy-ness of life, when we take that pause and reflect on the energy we are bringing to each interaction, we gain clarity and begin to parent from a place of intention, rather than reacting from a place of overwhelm or exhaustion. The breath and the pause also allow us to center and practice being fully present in the moment. Most importantly, when we take our time and commit to more intentional communication with our kids, we get to ask ourselves, "Is this communication meant to control or correct in some way, or to deepen connection?" When we opt for connection more often, we will discover there is less need to control or correct.
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The struggle is real and there is not a solution that is as simple as "10 Ways to get Your Kids to Help Around the House." Our lives are busy. Careers, household management and all of the invisible mental and emotional work that parenting requires leaves us exhausted most of the time. Our kids have no way of understanding this load. However, as parents, we often we don't take into account the invisible and emotional work of growing up. If we can step outside of our exhaustion and frustration and view the chores as a vehicle for teaching work ethic, balance, perseverance, finding meaning in the mundane, compromise and caring for others, we have a chance of maintaining stamina as we teach our kids the importance of chores and lovingly hold our boundaries. We also need to recognize that reminding and nagging do not have to be one in the same, and accept that we will have to cut through some of the noise and pressures taking up space in their head with frequent reminders.
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When was the last time you took a moment to marvel at your child's very presence, uniqueness and beauty, like you did when they were babies? When you look at your 14, 17 or 19 year old in this way you can cultivate a resurgence of new energy, love and affection that might be lost under layers of anxiety about them. Trying this strategy during phases that aren't your favorite will remind you that your adolescent is still one of your favorite people and a miracle. This can be the beginnings of repairing and deepening connection. Dr. John Duffy, author of "Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety," articulates the reality of today's teen and offers parenting strategies that not only help build one of the most important relationships in your life, but also help add a protective layer as your children navigate a complex world.
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Today's episode explores the concept of Emotional Equations by author Chip Conley. This concept provides a new way of breaking down your emotions and getting to the heart of what is actually going on. From this place of clarity, you can take charge of what is within your control and let go of the rest. For example, Conley's emotional equation for anxiety is anxiety = uncertainty x powerlessness. He has a wonderful process for reducing anxiety and increasing your power by listing what you know, what you don't know, what is within your control and what is out of your control. In this age of anxiety, parents can model this process and intentionally teach and practice it with kids, leading families to greater wellness. This is a powerful new tool for your parenting toolkit.
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Co-regulation is keeping your calm when your child can't. It is acting as their upstairs brain when they are in fight or flight states of hyper-reactivity or withdrawn. It is modeling self-regulation in the face of stress and using co-regulation to teach self-regulation. Understanding and using this concept is incredibly effective for connecting with your child while teaching them. Working through these skills with intention and the right mix of love and firmness will lead to launching an independent, capable and resilient adult - an adult who can keep their cool under pressure, maintain a greater perspective and walk through the world with more gentleness.
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I often get asked âWhat age is it appropriate to give my child a phone or computer?â Diana Graber, author of Raising Humans in a Digital World, gives a list of 7 questions to gauge readiness. Even if your child is older and already has a device, these are still useful questions to spark conversations as you continue cultivating awareness and educating. Mastering living with technology in healthy ways is a process just like them learning to drive. This episode explores ways adults and kids can continue to work to bring their best selves to the digital world.
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Today's episode explores the ways our self-perception can expand and contract many times throughout the day. Our self-perception affects the ways we interact with others as well as how we either face or avoid difficult emotions and situations. How does your teen perceive herself? How does she face or avoid feelings and situations? How do we help foster a positive and expanded self-perception and feelings competence and resilience in our children? Some strategies explored include learning to question all of our thoughts, learning to treat yourself like a cherished friend, building a resume of small successes that lead to competence and confidence, and welcoming challenges as opportunities for growth. Vashti also shares a song she wrote about this concept called "Walk Into The Wind."
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