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This Fourth of July, we’re unpacking the irony of a holiday built on freedom—while whiteness continues to rely on control. We explore how white people can move from control to connection using our CACTI model: Compassion, Accountability, Curiosity, Transparency, and Insight. Real freedom doesn’t come from dominance—it comes from unlearning.
We’re also talking about tree shyness—yes, it’s a real thing—and the wild experience of watching airplanes land at Madeira’s famously intense airport. Come for the reflection, stay for the turbulence.
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This week, we explore how violence—whether in relationships, policing, or foreign policy—is normalized and often celebrated in white American culture. Drawing from our experience in domestic violence work, we unpack how control, blame, and force show up not just interpersonally but systemically. We also respond to a listener’s discomfort with the idea of Black joy, revealing how even joy can be seen as a threat within a culture built on control. Plus: a São João festival story and a sleepy fungi fact.
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In this episode, we dig into the discomfort, resentment, and backlash that often show up when Black joy takes center stage—especially around holidays like Juneteenth. We explore why white supremacy depends on Black suffering, how joy becomes an act of resistance, and what it reveals about white identity when that joy is met with hostility. Jamesa shares personal stories, we unpack current headlines, and yes—there’s even a mushroom fact.
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This week, we’re joined by the brilliant Eckoes, creator behind one of our favorite social media accounts, Shit I Have a Problem With. We get into what it actually means to have a problem with something — and how to do it in a way that doesn’t just center your ego or shut the whole thing down. We talk about why discomfort isn’t the enemy, how calling something out can still leave room for connection, and why the goal isn’t to always be agreeable — it’s to be real.
We also reflect on Portugal’s quiet commitment to celebration, even (and especially) when there’s nothing “big” to celebrate. And we take a look at the recycled, racist narratives around immigration in both the U.S. and the U.K. — and why it’s not just the policies that are harmful, but the stories we keep telling to justify them.
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In this episode, we dive into the four F’s—Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn—and how these survival responses can derail us from doing the right thing, especially in moments that call for courage, clarity, or connection. We unpack how these patterns show up in leadership, relationships, and everyday life—and share practical ways to navigate them more effectively.
And of course, we sprinkle in real stories from our life here in Portugal—because healing and humor go hand in hand.Support the show
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What do phrases like “pro-life,” “law and order,” and “family values” have in common?
They sound virtuous—but they’re often just control, dressed up as morality.
In this episode, Ben and Jamesa—coming to you from our life here in Portugal—unpack how language that sounds good on the surface can actually be a tool for domination, silence, and harm. We explore how these phrases shape everything from public policy to workplace culture, and how control often hides behind ideas that seem unassailable.
We also share what it means to move beyond that—to lead and live with more honesty, more discomfort, and a lot more connection.
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We hear it all the time: “Of course I hate racism.”
But when we start looking a little deeper — into silence, avoidance, who we protect, and what we’re willing to give up — the picture gets murkier.In this episode, we’re talking honestly about the gap between intention and impact when it comes to anti-racism. We get into:
Why it’s easier to say the right thing than to live differentlyHow control, comfort, and avoidance keep racism aliveWhat the recent Google discrimination lawsuit tells us about what’s still happening across workplaces — big and smallAnd why not being racist is nowhere near enoughThis isn’t about guilt or performance. It’s about getting honest, choosing discomfort, and doing something real with the privilege we’ve got.
Let’s get into it.
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If you’ve ever wondered where to begin with this podcast, this is the one. In our season 9 opener, we bring you into the heart of our work: building a community rooted in letting go of control and choosing connection.
We explore the recent Portuguese elections—how voting works here, what’s at stake, and how it all contrasts with the U.S. political system.
Then we dig into something heavier: Black Fatigue. A term originally created to describe the long-term physical and emotional toll of racism on Black people, now being twisted by some white folks to describe their own weariness with conversations about race. We unpack the irony, the harm, and the deeper truths behind that reaction.
And as always, we’ll mix in some recent happenings from our family life, a thoughtful listener letter, and Ben’s ongoing irritation with foot-specific socks.
Join us for another conversation about meaningful connection.
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In this episode, we dive into the viral video of a white woman calling a Black child the N-word—and the jaw-dropping fact that she made over $600K in donations afterward. We unpack what this says about whiteness, dehumanization, and the selective empathy that shields white perpetrators while abandoning Black children. We also talk about the staggering global indifference to the suffering of children in Gaza and the disturbing patterns in white responses to harm—especially when the victims aren’t white.
But it’s not all heavy. We also share some real, raw, and hilarious tales from our own parenting lives—because raising kids while trying to raise consciousness means you’ve got to find the humor somewhere. Join us for an episode that holds both outrage and tenderness, grief and laughter, all at once.
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In today’s episode, Ben and Jamesa reflect on the recent blackout in Portugal and what it revealed about control, flexibility, and unexpected stillness. They also dive into insights sparked by the film A Real Pain, exploring themes of grief, family dynamics, mental health, and the lifelong practice of learning to get along. It’s a conversation about disruption, connection, and what we carry with us—whether the lights are on or not.
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In this episode of Ben and Jamesa, we dive into the intersection of neurodivergence and social justice, exploring what it means to live as a neurospicy family in a world built for neurotypical norms. We unpack RFK Jr.’s recent comments about autism and why pathologizing neurodivergence is both harmful and outdated. From emotional sensitivity to sensory needs, we share how our neurospicyness shapes the way we move through parenting, relationships, and justice work. We also explore how neurodivergent folks often have a heightened sensitivity to injustice—and how that can become a superpower in dismantling systems rooted in control, conformity, and suppression.
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In this episode, we explore what it really means to step outside your comfort zone—whether that’s moving across the world, engaging with unfamiliar identities, or sitting with uncomfortable truths about privilege and power.
We kick things off with Jamesa’s personal journey into expat life and her new focus on coaching individuals and families through the emotional and identity-shifting realities of living abroad. From there, we dive into the deeper discomfort many people—especially those with dominant identities—avoid: confronting the ways they’ve been shielded from discomfort through systems of power.
We unpack how intersectionality shapes who gets to stay comfortable, who doesn't, and why leaving your comfort zone is essential for personal growth and collective liberation. We also reflect on recent headlines that show what happens when people resist change, and we answer a listener question on neurodivergence, accountability, and doing “white people work” without shutting down.
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In this episode, we dive into Adolescence, Netflix’s hit series on toxic masculinity, disconnection, and the Manosphere. We break down how the show illustrates the Hero-Victim-Offender (HVO) Cycle—the pattern that keeps men trapped in harmful identities—and what it reveals about power, control, and connection.
We also answer a key listener question: What’s the difference between therapy and therapeutic coaching?
Tune in for a deep dive into Adolescence, masculinity, and breaking free from cycles of harm.
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In this episode of the Ben and Jamesa Podcast, we explore what it truly takes to care for yourself deeply—beyond bubble baths and quick fixes—so that you can show up fully for your family, your community, and the world. We discuss life changes, including navigating the emotional and physical shifts that come with aging and menopause, and how embracing self-care as a transformative practice can enhance resilience and connection.
We also take a look at some inspiring headlines from around the globe, reminding us that even amidst the chaos, there are always stories of hope, progress, and humanity shining through. Tune in for an honest, compassionate conversation about change, connection, and the power of showing up for yourself first.
Don't forget to subscribe, share, and let us know your thoughts! 🌱
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In this episode, we break down the latest headlines and the recurring theme of white empathy deficits shaping public discourse. We unpack the return of segregation—not in name, but in practice—as systemic choices continue to isolate and exclude marginalized communities. And in a sharp left turn, we also talk about menopause—because if society refuses to discuss it, we will! From brain fog to surprise hot flashes in the middle of a meeting, we get into why menopause is basically puberty’s grumpy older sister and why everyone (yes, even you) should care.
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In this episode, we dive into the latest headlines and why the fight for Black lives is far from over. We share more details about our move out of the country, unpack the realities of white empathy (and when it’s more harmful than helpful), and discuss the erasure of Black Lives Matter Plaza. From systemic shifts to personal reflections, we break down what these moments mean for the ongoing struggle for justice—and why we refuse to let the conversation fade.
Tune in, share, and keep pushing forward. Black lives STILL matter.
🎧 Listen now!
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"Be More Curious"
Curiosity isn’t just a personality trait—it’s a tool for liberation. This week, we’re diving into why being more curious is essential for challenging the oppressive systems that shape our world.
First, we take you behind the scenes of our decision to leave the U.S. and why Portugal became our new home. Then, we break down some of the week’s wildest headlines—Zelensky at the White House, and Ben Shapiro’s outrageous call to pardon Derek Chauvin (yes, really).
But the heart of this episode is a bigger conversation: Why does curiosity matter in the fight against white supremacy? How does asking better questions help us disrupt harmful narratives? And what happens when we refuse to accept the status quo?
Get ready for an episode that will challenge you, maybe even make you uncomfortable—but most of all, inspire you to be more curious.
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We’re kicking off a brand-new season with a fresh structure, new ways for you to engage, and even bigger conversations! And what better way to start than by tackling the question we get asked the most—Are all white people racist? Buckle up, because we’re diving into the real meaning behind this question, the reactions it sparks, and what it reveals about race in America. Plus, we break down the week’s biggest headlines, share the personal stories that made us realize it was time to take a break from America, and introduce exciting new ways for you to be part of the conversation. You don’t want to miss this one!
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This week, we’re talking about the myth of self-sufficiency and why community matters more than ever. From recent headlines to personal reckonings, we dig into how toxic individualism is making life harder for everyone—and what we can do about it.
Also, are we getting a divorce? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, we’re working through it on the mic. And finally, the age-old debate: Man Flu vs. Woman Flu—who actually suffers more? (Spoiler: One of us has thoughts.)
Tune in for real talk, real laughs, and maybe even some real solutions.
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In this special Valentine’s Day episode, we dive into the intersection of joy, resistance, and the state of the world. From the Super Bowl halftime show to the challenges of celebrating love amid societal chaos, we explore how we can continue to celebrate joy, connection, and humanity when white supremacy is actively tearing the country apart.
We’ll reflect on the ways that the media, politics, and cultural events like the Super Bowl can distract or unify us, and how we can harness the power of love and celebration in the face of such challenges. How do we hold space for joy while acknowledging the systems of oppression that threaten it?
Join us for a candid conversation on how we navigate these contradictions—keeping love at the center, even when the world feels like it’s on the brink. Let’s explore how joy can be a radical act in a time when the stakes are higher than ever.
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