Episodios
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#218 Listen, nobody* ever** really WANTS to have to genocide an entire race. But sometimes, one has to fall back on the classic, legally and philosophically unimpeachable, defense of "they started it". Luckily, we don't have to wrestle with watching our beloved, be-balded captain commit fully to his morally-questionable eradication plan this time, and it's all thanks to everyone's favorite adorable reformed Borg, Hugh! Well, favorite until the one with the big gazongas comes along, but for now he's the only game in town. So soap up your abs, solidly affix your buttplates, gather multiple people together for a podcast recording in the same room for the first time in like literally a decade, and sever your oppressive link to the Collective with this extremely delayed holiday episode of Trek TV!*we've received reports that this is, horrifyingly, not true**and also that it's apparently fairly frequent. Ok so maybe just a touch of global assimilation for, say, a month or so might not be the worst thing to try
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#217 Imaginary friends! They're extremely common and normal for kids to have, according to all TV forever. But what if: there was some sort of terrifying, bloodthirsty person out there gratuitously murdering the poor innocent imaginary friends of every last child she came across?! That's not the plot of this episode at all, but it probably would have been a hell of a lot better if it was! In fact, we strongly recommend you make a concerted effort to focus your mind on this much, much more exciting concept, as we attempt to scrape away this relatively inoffensive last remaining bit of effluent residue that this string of stinkers have oozed all over our poor podcast. Don't worry though, we'll further help distract your poor embattled psyche with discussions of the bewildering universal homogeny of morning zoo crews, the disappointing lack of scientific rigor in modern mythbusting, the surprising truth of where stress is stored, and at least some more! So lock up your imaginary friends in the panic room and tell them to not make a sound (it won't help), hide all the terrible crafts you don't want thrown out, and brace yourself for a blandly tolerable episode of Trek TV!
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#216 Few people realize that everyone here at Trek TV has been hand-selected as a gifted mutant podcastmorph, with the ability to sense what a potential listener wants, what they need, what gives them the greatest pleasure; and then do the exact opposite of that. So we're probably a subspecies of everyone involved with formulating "The Perfect Mate"! But we're certainly not perfect, so if you're by some chance actually looking for nuanced discussion of the illusion of choice, the difficulty of lying to one's children, the best song ever written about smelling a body part, the surprising international popularity of Canadian high school drama programs, and so much more... well, Vaughn's your uncle! So put on your finest velvet and strongest codpiece, bust open your poorly-secured golden bean, and just maybe you'll be slightly prepared for the train about to be run on you that is this episode of Trek TV!
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#215 Warning: only those "whose hearts are joyous" may listen to this episode of Trek TV. Well, unless they can somehow overcome, through sheer strength, the imposing presence of a weird stupid rainbow-checkerboarded head in a bubble. Of course, the real question is: with the double threat of Lwaxana Troi and Alexander Rozhenko actually TEAMING UP, why would you WANT to? We're not sure either, but what we DO know is there's plenty of discussion of the pitfalls and practicalities of interspecies online dating, bizarre and disturbing Australian pronunciations, unsafe sausage handling practices, shockingly graphic posterior displays, and so much more. It's best you accept your premorse and our apologies, get higher and/or fewer as necessary, and hop right into the muddy stew that is this episode of Trek TV before it all turns into some kind of slimy goo! Well, a different kind of slimy goo, anyway.
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#214 Here at Trek TV, our first duty is to the truth. And by the truth, we mean the liquor, and the truth is some of us definitely take that duty a bit more seriously than others. But don't judge us too harshly; much like our perennial Golden Boy Wesley was seduced and, finally, corrupted by the charm and coiffure of Not-Tom Paris, we were the victim of a similarly brash and manipulative lockdown that seemed like it would never end. But also some of us might have just started the maneuver waaaaay too early. Well, whether we were ready to thread this particularly hazardous needle or not, that hasn't stopped us from opening our exhaust hatches wide and venting out metric tonnes of steaming-hot discussions around the illusions of choice, uncertain spice enunciation, useful cult recruitment tips, disturbing new forensic techniques, the essential metrics of after-school specials, the unconscionable existence of the demon "Bixby", and so, so, SO much more in this, an episode of Trek TV so dangerous and ill-advised that just making it through probably actually qualifies you for credit on both your hazardous/long-haul flight certification and your Starfleet psych test.
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#213 In what's definitely a top 3 cold open at the very least, the boat blows up and everyone dies. (Try not to get too worked up about it though, you'll be seeing it again at least 3 more times). In between repeatedly exploding and smashing her favorite fancy whiskey glass, Dr. Crusher is hard at work trying to cure the chronic boat-blowing-up disease, but when the culprit turns out to be none other than Dr. Frasier Crane himself, there’s obviously only one solution: the power of numbers! But we’re jumping at least 3 steps ahead of ourselves; to break this particular cycle, Trek TV will need to consider the true nature of causality and determinism, realize how insane the Federation’s uniform designers went for a while, get stuck in our own deadly repetitive argument, and probably… 3 more things at least, with the most important undoubtedly being the greatest, gros-est mystery of this or any other age. Warning: this episode of Trek TV has a 300% grosness rating due to frank discussion of “the best pukes”.
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#212 A terrified, misunderstood, and persecuted person finally decides to accept and take a state for who and what she is, and is subsequently seized by the state for her perceived deviance and faces an involuntary, disturbing, and invasive mental "treatment" to "correct" her "condition". Fortunately, the Enterprise is there to help! Unfortunately, nobody seems to really care, except for Riker on account of he wants to figure out where his bits could go. It's kind of weird and messed up! Some dated concepts of gender and bizarre lack of concern from our typically ultra-humanitarian starship crew aside, this episode still manages to be a stirring, devastating argument for the acceptance of people's sexual and gender orientations that remains terribly, distressingly relevant nearly 30 years later. So of course, we find plenty of ways to accidentally botch pronouns repeatedly, continually giggle like schoolchildren when someone talks about "getting inside the pocket", reveal the secrets of the enigmatic "Story of the Bases", take a stand against the disgusting perversion of split pea soup, and so, so much more in this exceedingly long and unfortunately timely episode of Trek TV! Also, TERFs and their ilk can get proper fucked, tia.
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#211 We're so excited that we're just snapping our spines left and right on this one, confident in the knowledge that a risky but promising breakthrough medical procedure will probably show up to repair the damage any day now. And what could be making us shatter our vertebrae so recklessly? Well, how about the crucial revelation, so important to our podcast lore, of how many redundant bits Klingons have? Or the hairdo nadir to finally rival our dear departed Tasha Yar? Could it be the graphic display of one of the wettest ol' spines we've ever had the good fortune to see? Mayhaps it's the opportunity for yet another deep dive into perplexing podunk prairie lexicon? Well, there's no need to commit the Hegh'bat over this paralyzing riddle, friends, for it is simply all of the above and so much more! So strap on your neural transducers, pass off your terrible children to your nearest coworker, and ready your fragile back for the impact of a barrelful of this particularly ethically compromised episode of Trek TV!
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#210 This week, the crew of Trek TV find ourselves possessed once again by the terrifying spectre of audio difficulties. Maybe if one of us had just been willing to take one for the team and bust their coccyx, we could have been spared this awful fate, but we really don't have the insurance to do our own stunts. So when you get to the occasional parts that sound all broken or inaudible, just know that we're not in control, we've simply inhabited by the spirits of long-lost podcasts past. Just kidding, of course it's actually just the consciousness of centuries-old convicted criminals sentenced to a bodiless seemingly-eternal living hell on just the biggest dump of a cave planet, because that is definitely far more reasonable than some kind of ghost-situation, which would of course just be silly. During the moments we're able to break free of their nefarious influence, you should just be able to make out discussions of confounding time-related truck mascots, thrilling victories in high-stakes cat challenging, and the inexplicable reluctance to use wide-beam phaser tech. All that and so much more, on this episode of Trek TV: the podcast we promise won't sound sort of broken next time, hopefully maybe!
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#209 Well, our forever-war against the vile audio-genocidal race continues, and this week they once again managed to nefariously infiltrate our recording equipment to the point that it appeared nearly certain they had managed to strike a decisive blow that would have devastated the entire Star Trek podcast quadrant. Thankfully, the brave men and women of Trek TV are well-prepared for their trickery at this point, and our forward thinking and painstaking efforts have ensured we could save this podcast and its vital discussions of the finer clinical details of Hulkamania, the proper places for highway art, horrible revelations about the true nature of beloved crystals, important horga'hn confirmations, and so much more in a form that many would almost certainly define as "generally listenable"! So even if you're not quite sure why you conceivably would, much less should, just trust in yourself and your mission: to immediately blast every member of a Cryptkeeper race you see, double-dip whenever possible, and enjoy this particularly conundrum-inducing episode of Trek TV!
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#208 So apparently a bunch of almost-certainly unbearably pretentious jackasses left Earth centuries ago to create a "perfect" society via genetic engineering & eugenics, and shockingly it... sort of worked out ok? Until the Enterprise arrives and ruins it by... saving it from utter destruction. Kind of a weird angle to come at the whole thing, now that we think about it. Well, in the end, you can definitely call the society a piece of SOMETHING, anyway. You'll just have to listen to find out what that "something" is (you've probably already guessed), along with our experiences in the infrastructural shortcomings of certain South Asian countries, probing analysis of the career of noted renaissance... sorry, encino man P. Shore, an exciting cameo by everyone's FAVORITE CRYSTAL, and so much much in what someone, somewhere, across the vast infinity of space might just (purely by infinite monkey theorem) call a "masterpiece" of Trek TV! Though honestly, if the crystal alone isn't enough, we're afraid there may be no hope for you.
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#207 So... yeah. There's no sugarcoating it: this episode's title isn't kidding, it has some pretty dark themes of mental abuse and sexual assault, some stuff we really can't goof on. Thankfully, there's still plenty of good fun to be had in the less horrific elements, like questionable childhood beverage choices, oddly-targeted brain-scans, some pretty badass Troi self-defense tech, and an appearance of the exceedingly rare Behaired Picard. We hope you'll still have a good time with all that silliness and plenty more in this episode of Trek TV, but still think it only right to warn you, our valued listener, that this one definitely isn't all good-time goofs 'n spoofs. Sometimes, a gross creepy weirdo really is just a sick weirdo creep.
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