Episódios
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Following the loss of her own legs, Gracie resolved to provide quality prosthetic limbs for fellow amputees. In 2005, she and I developed a unique partnership with the Ghana Health Service to train and equip local workers to fabricate limbs for their own people. We call it Standing With Hope.
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Many caregivers struggle with decades-old promises to make sure to “never put Mom in a nursing home.” When making that promise, most recall healthier times when the thought of entering a facility seemed far on the horizon. Reality sneaks up on the best of us, and we find ourselves faced with uncomfortable circumstances.
The promise’s tether can quickly transform into a noose around the neck of a family caregiver unable to meet the demands of a horrific condition. From personal safety to medical expertise, caregivers easily find themselves outmatched by an affliction—and overpowered by guilt.
Despite the promise’s sincerity, its roots often stem from ignorance about the peripheral havoc disease and injury can cause. Disparity and unsustainability quickly appear when a caregiver demands of herself what an entire paid staff of people in a memory care facility accomplishes. The promise must face honest scrutiny to reflect the commitment to caring for a loved one as best one can. When demands exceed ability, changes must occur—and help must be enlisted.
The challenge for caregivers is seeking counsel from objective, experienced, and trained individuals to regularly evaluate conditions and possible paths regularly.
As we promise to care, let us also commit to caring well.
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. —Dolly PartonFROM: A MINUTE FOR CAREGIVERS - WHEN EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE MONDAY
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When Carole Leathem’s husband, Bill, first began his battle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, she had no idea years of rejection and identity issues would come to a head. After all, when you’re the wife of a senior pastor, there are certain expectations that come with it. Imperfection and mental illness are not among them.
Visit Carole's Site: https://www.thecaretakersjourney.com/
Get Carole's Book
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A close pastor friend of mine called me after burying his beloved dog. While digging the hole, he wept while angrily reflecting on how much he hated death. The conversation turned to the countless funerals he presided over during his ministry—I played the piano for many of those services. We talked a bit longer about some of the cherished families we ministered to during those funerals and discussed our shared anger at death. Then he said something that’s never left me.
“Do you know who hates death more?”
“God hates death,” he stated quietly.
Pausing, he added, “He hates it so much that He took it upon Himself to provide a way to defeat death.”
When Jesus stood at His friend Lazarus’s grave, John 11:38 shares that He was “deeply moved.” Some translations state that anger welled up in Jesus—anger at death.
Mere weeks after standing at Lazarus’s tomb, on what we celebrate as Easter Sunday, Jesus indeed conquered death, but at an immeasurable cost to Himself.
“Please—Aslan,” said Lucy, “can anything be done to save Edmund?”
“All shall be done,” said Aslan. “But it may be harder than you think.” —C. S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
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From the challenges of finding one's footing in music to navigating the fog of fear and obligation, we explore the caregiver's journey - and what happens when we lose our way. How do we get back on track?
Listen for a compelling discussion shedding light on the struggles and triumphs of caring for a loved one.
www.hopeforthecaregiver.com -
Winston Churchill stated, "We are masters of unsaid words and slaves to those we let slip out."
As caregivers, we live in a pressure cooker - and often spout off things we wish we could reclaim. Sometimes, we have to bite our tongues and learn to like the taste of blood. In this opening monologue from the program, I discuss this issue that affects everyone - it is the human condition - but we, as caregivers, can be exceptionally prone to this.
TRANSCRIPT (there may be typos)
Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.
This is Peter Rosenberger.
This is the program for you as a family caregiver.
Healthy caregivers make better caregivers and this program is designed to help the family caregiver stay strong and healthy while taking care of someone who is not.
If that describes you, well guess what?
You're in the right place.
Hope for the Caregiver.com
For me, that's a big deal for me.
I mean, you know, it's not Joe Rogan or anything, but for me, I was really quite stunned because years ago when I started doing this program, people looked at me and said, how in the world are you going to talk about caregivers for an hour?
How are you going to do this for an hour?
I was literally asked that by friends of mine.
I mean, people who were very successful in what they do, and they said, this is not going to work.
And then, I told you, the radio station that I've originally talked to, they said, we don't see this as being a viable program.
Well, here we are.
And by the way, that was in 2011.
Here we are 13 years later, 800-something episodes, almost 250,000 downloads, and we're just getting warmed up because this issue is not going to go away.
If You Love Somebody, You Will Most Likely Be a Caregiver.
If You Live Long Enough, You Will Need One.
It is the human condition.
I was watching on social media the other day, somebody posted a thing, said, what is something you really need as a caregiver?
You know, it was really kind of emotional and I appreciate that.
That's good.
And I was like, I just need somebody to tell me where my grocery list is.
Where are my keys?
Where's my wallet?
You know,
I appreciate people getting very sensitive about it you know and we all get emotional we all get frustrated all that kind of stuff but I mean I don't need to sit down and watch the Hallmark Channel and kind of cry it out you know I'm just not there maybe you are I'm not I'm approaching the end of four decades of this you know and as I as 39 years ago in May I went through my first surgery with Gracie
So I've been doing this for a long time and there's a point where this is your life and you don't really spend a lot of time trying to emote about it.
It is what it is.
Let's move on.
What can we do?
What can we accomplish?
And how can I get better through this?
How can I become better?
What can I become through this?
Not how do I get out of it?
What can I become through this?
How Can I Go Deeper?
And that brings me to today's caregiver quote.
Our caregiver quote comes from the very quotable Winston Churchill.
You all know I'm a fan.
Very few world leaders have the place in history that Winston Churchill does and had the impact
We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.
We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.
While those words remain in our mind, we're still in control of them.
But once they come out, they own us for good or bad.
And it's something worthy of our consideration as caregivers.
We live with enormous amounts of stress.
And on any given day, at any given time, we could be rather brittle.
Surely I'm not the only one.
I mean, raise a hand.
How many of you all get brittle at times?
So it's easy to pop off and say things we really wish we hadn't have said.
Now let's go deeper because as great as Churchill is, there's one greater.
Matthew 12, 36, he said, I tell you, on the day of judgment, people will give account for every careless word they speak.
That's the words of Jesus.
And all throughout the scriptures, you'll see Proverbs 10, 19, when words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
When words are many,
I think one translation says instead of transgression is not lacking, it says when words are many, sin abounds.
But you get the point.
Proverbs 13.3 Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life.
He who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
James 1.26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.
These are strong words, and these are not the only ones in Scripture that talk about letting your mouth run off, popping off and saying things that you wish you hadn't.
One stark and very tragic story is in the book of Judges, chapter 11, and there's this guy named Jephthah, who's a mighty warrior.
And if you look at Judges 11, verse 30, And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord, If you give the Ammonites into my hand, he's chasing down the Ammonites, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return and triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.
And he laid waste to the Ammonites.
I mean, he really did an amazing job, and he's pretty excited about it.
He comes home.
Who should come out to meet him but his daughter?
and when he saw her verse 35 he tore his clothes and cried oh no my daughter you have brought me down and I am devastated I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break and evidently he did not
Offer Her as a Burnt Offering, but he sacrificed to the Lord that she would never marry.
This was his only child, and she never married.
And it was a devastating moment.
He had spoken rashly.
Scripture warns us of this, of speaking rashly.
I got to tell you, my fellow caregivers, we are under an enormous amount of strain daily.
There's too many things competing for shelf space in our brain and our mouth just serves as a pressure valve to let some of that out and we say things that we really, really should not say.
I am chief among those who do that and I have to make amends on a regular basis, Gracie will tell you, and I cringe over all of it.
I'd like to tell you I'm getting better.
Maybe a little bit.
I'm getting older.
Maybe a little wiser.
I don't know.
But the one thing I do know now is where the path is.
I am not a slave to ignorance on this.
I have scripture.
I have quotes from world leaders like Churchill.
I have a plethora, which means a lot, you know.
Sorry, that's an old joke.
I have so many resources now that I can lean on instead of my own understanding to guide me, to help me remind myself to put my hand over my mouth and not say things that I'll be a slave to.
Not Say Things That I'm Going to Regret.
I've never had to make amends for something I didn't say, but I've sure had to make amends for things I did say.
And so I love this quote from Churchill.
I thought it was a good way to start the program out.
We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.
As a caregiver, I am learning to put my hand over my mouth a little bit more.
I've got a long ways to go.
But I know the path and that is hope for the caregiver.
This is Peter Rosenberger.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver.
This is Peter Rosenberger.
This is the program for you as a family caregiver.
Hopeforthecaregiver.com.
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Host of the popular podcast Nutshell Sermons, recording artist Bryan Duncan (Grammy and Dove award winner) shares his journey as a caregiver for his wife - and his book,
"Dear God ...Really? Prayers You Won't Hear in Church.
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As caregivers, we often must make decisions that benefit the whole unit - not Just one person. We get into the trap as caregivers where we're thinking of someone almost to the exclusion of everyone else,. I understand why - because that person has extreme needs. But as a caregiver, YOU are meeting many of those extreme needs. What happens if you don't consider the person meeting the extreme needs? You must think of the whole unit. SHOW TRANSCRIPT: (May Contain Typos) If you feel that you are operating out of guilt or fear or any of those things, what kind of decisions are you going to make? See, that's the whole point of this program. I'm not here to give caregiving tips. We'll have them. I mean, you can't help but have them. We're going to talk about it. We'll swerve into all kinds of things, whether it's, you know, handicap-accessible features or taking up the throw rugs or how to deal with an insurance company, how to deal with doctors. Yeah, we'll cover all that. I got that. Okay. But how many of us make good decisions when we are gripped with fear, guilt, or obligation? And how long do you think you can make decisions if you feel obligated to do this, you feel trapped to do this, you feel like this is what you're supposed to do? How long before that turns into full-blown resentment? How many of you are already there? That you're struggling with this right now and you just feel resentful. And I took a temperature of our Facebook group the other day. In one word, describe how you feel. And you see the dynamics of what people are dealing with. They're afraid, they're worn out, they're mad, they're exhausted, depressed. It's all over the map. How Many Good Decisions Are Made With Those Kinds Of Feelings? And then we have to have an anchor point that helps us make good decisions, regardless of what we're feeling or, sometimes, what we're seeing with our very eyes. What I mean by that is many of us have to look at suffering and we cannot allow that suffering to dictate good decision making. We have to think clearly. We have to detach from that somewhat. They're depending on us to do it. I mean, think about when you're in a situation when you're hurting; how many good decisions do you make when you've sprained your ankle or broken your leg or fallen and got yourself cut or whatever? You're kind of almost in panic mode sometimes when you get to that level of trauma. How many good decisions are you making? Well, that's the same point that our loved ones have to deal with, and they count on us to do it. But if we are so paralyzed is a good word, but it's not just paralyzed. If we're so encumbered by all these other things, whether it be fear, obligation to guilt, resentment, terror, or any of those things, what are you going to do? Somebody has got to step back away from that and have a clear head. And if you don't do it as a caregiver for your loved one, who is in line behind you to do it? So that's our reality. Somebody has got to keep a cool head. Now that's hard to do. And I would suggest to you that you can't do it on your own. You're going to need help to do this. And that's why this program is anchored in what Scripture says. What does God say? Now, I promise you, I've looked. There is no place in Scripture where I have found any type of clear instructions on how to deal as a husband caring for his wife For Somebody with 86 Surgeries, Both Legs Amputated, and Going on for 40 Years. I've looked. It ain't in there. Okay? Not there. But there are a lot of scriptures that talk about fear, feeling weary, guilt, anxiety, sorrow, depression, loneliness, All of those things are covered. And if God has this in his scriptures, in his word to us, people always say, well, I didn't know what God's will for my life is. He's already said it. And within the confines of his decreed word that we have, we are free to use the mind that he gave us. You know, some people overthink this. Well, what kind of job does God want me to have? What Kind of Job Do You Want? Does it line up with the values and the directives that he has in Scripture? Do you think God is going to want you to be a drug dealer? No? Okay, cross that off the list. I understand that's an absurd example, but sometimes you make your point with absurdity. We Don't Have to Overthink This. And I'll never forget a dear pastor friend of ours when Gracie and I were looking at a decision to have a pain pump put in her that was attached to her dura, and it worked for a while. Then it just went horribly wrong, but that's a longer story. But at the time, we were trying to figure out whether we should make this decision. And our pastor looked at her and said, there's no sin involved in this decision. You've done your due diligence. You've sat down and talked about this with the professionals, your doctor and so forth. There's no sin involved in this. This is not a moral equation here. We're within the confines of Scripture. We're not violating any of God's precepts. And I would suggest the same applies across the board for all of us as caregivers when we're making decisions as long as we understand the parameters of what God says. And we use that to guide us in our decision-making. Being good stewards of money, being kind and considerate, thoughtful, committing it to prayer, All of these things are involved as you make this decision that you may have to make unilaterally for the betterment of the unit. Understand this, you may be making that decision, but if you are standing on the principles of God's Word, you're not making that decision in a vacuum. You're not leaning on your own understanding. You will acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths. Now the question is for us as caregivers, Do We Believe That or Not? Is that something that is going to be anchored in our soul or not? And I ask you, my fellow caregivers, would you be willing to do that with your decision-making? When we do that, that is hope for the caregiver, that conviction that we can live a calmer, healthier, and, dare I say it, a more joyful life, even while serving as a caregiver and making hard decisions. Okay, we'll talk about that some more, but sometimes we have to make decisions unilaterally on what's best for the unit.
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Comedian and long-time Sinatra pal Tommy Dreesen tells a wonderful story about Frank Sinatra and a pair of cufflinks. This story has a powerful lesson for all of us, but particularly for those of us serving as caregivers. This and more from our broadcast on March 9, 2024
“None of this belongs to us, and as soon as we die, someone else is going to get it. It's going to transfer. Somebody will be wearing our stuff, driving our car, living in our home, and living on our land.” - Frank Sinatra
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When I launched a caregiver outreach, I established a goal to help provide caregivers with a vocabulary that helped identify their feelings and needs. Without understanding, help remains elusive.
In this bonus segment from our broadcast, I provide two unusual examples of how caregivers feel on any given day. I do this to not only give fellow caregivers that understanding, but those who seek to help them, as well.
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Covering a lot of ground in this episode as I delve into how we choose to view our circumstances as caregivers in light of what Scripture teaches.
www.hopeforthecaregiver.com
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For several years, Pat Montague has produced my broadcast, Hope for the Caregiver. I recently talked with her about her own journey as a caregiver.
“I have learned that leaning on the Lord for whatever he has in store is much more comfortable than resisting, fighting, and railing against what I don't like.
I would have not chosen amputation for my husband, I'll be honest. He had other options that he could have taken, but I was astounded when he made that decision.I didn't agree with it at the time. Now I certainly do.
But leaning into the Lord and saying, Father, whatever you have, I will submit myself to it.
Being willing to do that makes a huge difference in how things come out because they're not the same thing.
You can rail and fight, and you're not going to change your perspective.
You're not going to change your circumstances for any amount of money.
And so yielding and just saying, Lord, have your way and help me to accept it have been huge lessons for me.
And it has not come easy because, yes, I've always known I had that part of my personality that I was willing to go toe-to-toe when I knew I was right.”
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TRANSCRIPT:
This is the program for you as a family caregiver.
Healthy caregivers make better caregivers.
Hopeforthecaregiver.com.
You know about that last block, I ought to have a thing where you guys, y'all send us some lyrics for the song.
Maybe we'll figure out which one's the best one, and I'll get Gracie to sing it when she starts getting better.
What do you think?
Because she said, Gracie was very worried.
She said, look, I've got to get my voice into shape.
I said, well, you've got time, darling.
You're just now three months out of surgery, so give yourself a little bit of grace here.
And yet, it would be kind of fun to have her sing this song.
This is the theme for Peter's show.
All right, enough of that frivolity and jocularity.
I've been having a conversation ongoing with several different caregivers in the midst of their caregiving and I've challenged them and I'm going to challenge you because I've challenged myself.
I do not subscribe to this belief that we as caregivers wait until the circumstances of our loved ones change before we start changing.
You all know that.
If you've listened to this show for any amount of time, you're going to know that the point is that we change no matter what's going on around us.
That we can improve.
We can get healthier.
And I recognize that we are constrained
by Our Journey As Caregivers.
I get that.
I really get that.
Now, let me give you some context.
I've been a caregiver since I was 22.
I asked Gracie to marry me when I was 22 years old.
Bless her heart for her lack of judgment.
But here we are, 38 years later.
During that entire time, I have been her caregiver.
Now, some days have not been quite as dire as others.
And then some days have been extremely dire.
I mean, when you have the kind of journey we've had.
So at some point, and I can't remember exactly when, but I had to make a pivotal decision that this is not going to change.
So therefore I must.
I kept thinking if we could just get around that corner, if we could just get over that hill, then...
I can be settled and content and learn to be productive.
This is what's holding me back.
And so we've got to get through this.
And I would strive towards this.
I'm not by any means proud of these things.
I mean, I'm horrifically embarrassed by it.
But I'm sharing these things with you because I believe that so many of you have those same kind of feelings.
If we could just get through this, if he would just stop doing this, if she would just stop doing this, if we could just get mama onto Jesus, if we could just, if, if, if, if, if, then I could be productive, then I could be at peace, then I could be successful, all of those things.
Now, if I'm the only one that has had this internal conversation
So be it.
But I don't think I am.
All right?
So if you've had this internal conversation, then I'm talking to you.
Okay?
This is for you.
This is just you and me now.
Two people who have had these types of thoughts that have weighed heavy on us and it's changed our behavior.
It's forced us into a pattern of
striving and and unsettledness unrest angst that is at times overpowering okay so just so we're on the same page just you and me all right here's what happened with me once I made that decision that this is my life this is the way it is it's not going to change anytime soon
I cannot affect what has happened to Gracie.
I didn't cause it.
I can't change it.
All I can do is care for her in this.
And the best way to care for her is to make sure that I am productive, healthy, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, professionally, all of the above.
You've heard me say it now hundreds of times.
Healthy caregivers
Make better caregivers.
I am no good to Gracie if I am fat, broken, miserable.
I am no good to Gracie if I stroke out.
I cannot guarantee that things won't happen to me, but I live my life in a way to protect that so that I don't take unnecessary risk.
The other day I went out on a snowmobile after feeding the horses.
I feed the horses on, I have a little sled that I pull behind the snowmobile and I feed the horses, pull the hay out there and it's great.
Quite enjoyable, I must say.
And then I decided to take a ride around just to check out all the new snow and everything else here on the place.
I texted our son and I said, look, if you don't hear from me in an hour, call the guy down the road.
His name is Kevin.
He'll come out and he'll come find me.
But I told him where I was going.
Well, now, a lot of people don't think that way, but I have to.
Gracie can't
Take care of yourself right now.
And she needs to know where I am.
Somebody needs to know where I am in case something happens.
Things can happen out here in Montana on the frozen tundra.
There's no lifeguard on duty.
So I don't take stupid chances.
This Mental Shift Changed My Journey As Caregiver
But the purpose of this conversation right now is not to say that I am constrained because I don't feel like I am.
I am tethered.
I am tethered to this situation with Gracie and I have been since I was 22.
That's not going to change until one of us steps into glory.
Okay?
Those are the facts.
We're just going to deal with facts.
I am tethered to this, but I'm not hostage to it.
I'm not prisoner to it.
And I think this is the mindset that I would like for my fellow caregivers to understand is that we can accept that we're tethered, that this is part of it, but we're not hostage.
And within the arc of that tether, whatever that looks like for you and me, we can be productive.
So if you think about it is I have a tether to my ankle that's tethered to Gracie's wheelchair.
I will stretch that thing out as far as I can to be as productive within that circle around her.
And sometimes I have to move her so that I can have a bigger circle.
And I've done that and that's okay.
But I'm not hostage.
I don't spend my time trying to figure out how to cut the tether.
What I spend my time doing is how do I be productive given these particular realities in my life?
That was a huge mental shift for me.
Some people don't want to make that shift, and I get it.
Some people don't want to do that.
That's fine.
But I believe that there are many of you who are seeking something like that, who recognize that you're in a situation that is unchangeable,
And again, I've said this, I don't know how many times, I would love to tell you that I'm wise.
I would love to tell you that I'm spiritually mature, but we all know better.
I'm just tired.
It is exhausting to strive like this.
And when you get tired enough, you will be open to look at this from a different perspective.
Well, maybe this might be a better way to look at this.
You know, whatever that looks like.
And for me, that's exactly what happened.
And I realized that my invitation was to be productive where I was.
I love Jeremiah 29.
Everybody talks about Jeremiah 29 11.
This Mental Shift Changed My Journey As Caregiver
In Jeremiah 29, if you go back and read it, God is saying through Jeremiah, hey, look, I put you here.
The Israelites were in captivity in Babylon, and he said, you're not here to sit there and lament about this.
Build your house, plant your vineyards, get married, have kids, have grandkids.
I know where you are.
I know the plans I have for you, but you're going to stay right here until I'm ready to move you.
Preachers don't want to talk about that particular aspect unless they're having overcrowding problems at the church, because that's when people start to leave.
Nobody wants to hear that.
They want to hear God's going to get me out and give me my victory, give me my breakthrough.
He's already given you your breakthrough.
That was at the cross.
Now we're going to have some more understanding about this and that you can be productive right where you are, even as a caregiver.
And I will give you proof.
I've been a caregiver again since I was 22.
I have written four books, published books.
I have written hundreds of commentaries that have been published in Fox News, WebMD, USA Today, AARP, all kinds of stuff.
I have the nation's largest podcast for caregivers.
I think, from what I understand, the world's largest podcast.
I have the world's largest broadcast here on this network for family caregivers.
I have managed a medical nightmare that is well over now $15 million.
with a hundred plus doctors, 13 different hospitals, seven different insurance companies.
And it's ongoing.
It's relentless.
I cook, I clean, I do the laundry.
I can, I iron, you know, y'all know I love to iron.
I love to iron.
I ironed a shirt this morning just to be able to come here to do this program.
I have produced two full length CDs.
I've written songs that not only have Gracie and I performed, but other people have recorded.
I have performed on stages with Gracie all over the country, on national television, all the above.
And I've done all of that while a caregiver.
Now, is it because I'm so special?
Well, I don't think so.
It's because I choose to believe the principle we discussed in the last block when that guy said at the caregiver support group, he's got this, answer the question.
Deal with the reality in front of us knowing that he's got this.
and it frees me up.
I don't have to strive over figuring out how this is going to all make sense.
I don't have to figure out how to solve Gracie's amputation problem or chronic pain problem or surgery problem.
I don't have to figure that out.
I can be productive today.
I don't have to wait to get over to the next hill.
I can do something today that has value.
Trusting that God's got this and it's okay.
Do you realize the burden that takes off of all of us?
And so I challenge you.
Many of you feel constrained and I get that feeling.
I truly get it.
I truly get it.
But what would happen if you just shifted that thought process just a little and thought, maybe I'm not constrained, maybe I'm just tethered, but inside this ark, God knows where I am and I could be productive and trust Him with all the other.
I can be obedient right where I am.
I can bloom where I'm planted.
That is hope for the caregiver.
This is Peter Rosenberger.
We'll be right back.
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Recently, at a caregiver support group I lead, a man who is caring for his wife suffering from Alzheimer's, shared how she repeatedly peppers him with the same question.
"I sighed for a moment in my heart," he said. "And then I said to myself, 'He's got this; answer her question.'"
Listening to him, I thought, "What a tremendous statement of faith; to look at somebody who is suffering from Alzheimer's who asks the same question over and over ... and over.
He stopped himself from getting agitated and preached to himself.
"He's Got This. Answer her question."
That's a worthy goal for all of us to aspire to incorporate in our lives: recognizing that God has this, and we can meet others where they are - not where we wished they could be.
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People become disoriented in the journey of caregiving.
Caregivers often think,
"Okay, if I could get them to stop acting like this, if I could just get through this next procedure; if we could just see if we could stop this particular thing from happening, then we can have the contentment and the peace and the satisfaction or the stability that we're craving."
How's that working for you?
How's that working for any of us?
It's like we have this stick out in front of us, dangling this carrot of things going how we want them to be, but we can never get to it.
And we're constantly striving for that because we see it.
And if it would just be this way, we'd be okay.
But see, that's the kind of thing promulgated in our society.
That is the conventional wisdom of this world.
"Get What You Want, Get What You Think You Need, and You Can Be Settled in Your Spirit, and You Can Be Happy, You Can Be Content."
That is in direct opposition to what Scripture teaches.
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"Life hands us very difficult things.
How we deal with those things and how we work through those things is what this program is all about.
We do it in the arena of being a caregiver." -
One of the greatest thefts to family caregivers comes from our own hearts. We often steal from the moment to regret the past—or fear the future. Although yesterday’s events may have arrived with tears and trauma, today remains an opportunity to calm our hearts and deal with current circumstances. As caregivers, we all know our tomorrows most likely show up with challenges—but unexpected joys may also arrive.
Surprising beauty awaits us along the way, yet we are sure to miss it when our focus extends behind or in front of us. None of this eliminates the grief we carry. However, healthily living in the present allows us to mourn while simultaneously resisting the fear, rage, and despair that often erupt during caregiving.
Although our independence, relationships, career paths, and even dreams inevitably suffer in our caregiving journey, peace of mind remains solidly in our hands. No one has the power to rob us of that composure—except ourselves.
We know what we are but know not what we may be.
—William Shakespeare
From: A Minute For Caregivers - When Every Day Feels Like Monday
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Let Your Scars Speak, Not Your Wounds. One of the things that we've developed in our culture is this mentality of putting everything out there that doesn't need to be put out there. You know, you can blame it on Jerry Springer, but it actually goes back a lot further than that. But we have this, I don't know, there's some kind of sick fascination with getting out there and blurting out stuff that really needs to be kept private. and needs to be dealt with. And we as caregivers live with raw wounds. And the easy thing for us to do is just to blah and just get it all out there. Well, that's that needs to happen, but it needs to happen in a very contained, controlled and private place. OK, not, you know, out on social media. We used to have what we call Testimony Chapel when I was in Bible College many, many years ago. It became nicknamed Bragamony or Testifony. You always want to have that one individual who comes up and tries to win the contest of the most horrific story. Prayer Wars. What Prayer Request Was Given. There was always this one lady who would try to trumpet with some kind of just grotesque thing. You know, somebody had a car accident and their leg was broken. Well, she knew somebody, you know, fell off a skyscraper and the girder pierced them through the eye. And, you know, it just went on and on. And I'm not, y'all don't tell anybody what I'm saying. I'm not making fun of her in the sense that certainly I want to pray for people to have it, but it was just like there was always that one-upmanship of just having these things that we'd like to parade out. It's a sick way of getting attention. There are people who have been saved from horrific things in their life, and I know them. And all of us have sinned, and some of us have pretty sensational sins. But it's not how lurid the tale, it's how great the Savior. And so if we're not constantly affirming the redemptive work of Christ, but rather instead we're just dwelling on the sewer, then what are we doing? So when I hear that phrase, let your scar speak, not your wounds, you don't want to give a festering, angry wound a microphone. Okay. It needs to be treated by professionals. It needs to be worked on. You know, Gracie's had a lot of wounds. We've had a lot of wound care, wound care teams and so forth that just don't want to heal. And some of you know with diabetes and so forth, things in that nature don't want to heal. Gracie's had more trauma, she doesn't have diabetes, she has trauma, but it's hard to get things to heal sometimes. And that's when medical professionals zero in on that. They do all kinds of things to clean out the wound to make sure it's not infected or abscessed and all the things that are involved in cleaning a wound. How would you feel at church if somebody came up in front of the church and they pulled up their shirt and showed a festering wound on their abdomen or whatever? Well, it wouldn't be appropriate. And yet that's what a lot of us do emotionally. And we are in a culture that likes to show our festering wounds. They don't need to be paraded, they need to be treated by trained people who can help irrigate, clean, and let this wound scar over. Then once you have the scar, then you can let the scar speak because it's healed. You've dealt with it. You look back and say, you know, I remember when that was painful, but it's healed now and I'm so grateful. And let me tell you the healing process. And I had another friend that used to tell me years ago, Process the pain privately. Share the process publicly. Don't process your pain out there in public. It's not appropriate and it doesn't help anybody. You've heard me say this, some of you long-time listeners, about stand-up comedians. You can tell the ones who haven't worked through a lot of healing with some of the relationships they've had in their life and so they use their stage, they make money off of it, but it's, you know, it's It's harsh. It's abrasive. It's unpleasant. It's, you know, and that's not what we're about here. People can know that you're wounded. People can know that you are injured, but they don't get to see the graphic details. I liken it this way. Most everybody knows that it's related to us. I guess everybody knows that Gracie is an amputee. She's missing both of her legs below the knee. We all know that. Okay. But not everybody gets to see those limbs. You understand? So let your scars speak, not your wounds. It's discretion, it's wisdom, it's discernment. It's the core of both of those statements. Process your pain privately, share the process publicly. People need to know how to deal with the pain, but they don't need to have it all paraded out there in front of them. Now you all know that Gracie and I have a hard life. We have a very difficult life. It's not a bad life. It's just a very difficult life. Well, do you listen in to hear how hard my life is? No. You want to hear what am I learning through this and how am I growing and how am I enduring? What sustains us? That's what you want to hear. You don't want to hear me just sit there and talk about how painful our life is. I don't want to hear about your sins. I want to hear about your Redeemer. You follow me on that? And I think this is a trap we get into as caregivers because so much of what we feel is right up in front of us and it hurts all the time. And it's very easy and tempting for us to just vent it all out. And we need to vent it out. It needs to come out. Every abscessed wound needs to be cleaned out. Okay? but not in front of a crowd needs to be done in a controlled environment by people who understand how to do it. I don't want to go to church and have somebody come on the platform with an open festering infected abscess wound in front of everybody there. That needs to be done in private with professionals. But I do want to hear from somebody who has the scars of what it's like to go through that and have it healed and what they learned through it, how they grew through it, how they were sustained through it. And more importantly, who was the professional that helped him do it? And ultimately, the professional that heals all our wounds heals all our diseases. It's Christ. Nobody wants me to explain to them the graphic nature of Gracie's recent back surgery. But there are a lot of people who want to know, who was the surgeon? Who was the surgeon? And that's when your scars speak because you've gotten through it. Not your wounds speaking, your scars. That's when you're learning to share the process. And that's really important for us as caregivers. Because we do have all this trauma. We do have a lot of graphic things that we have to deal with. But who was the surgeon? Who was the professional? Who was the doctor? Who was the counselor? Who was the pastor? Who was the savior who got you through this? That's what we need to share. This is Peter Rosenberger. We'll be right back.
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In 2nd Samuel, there's a remarkable story about a man named Mephibosheth.
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Caregivers often find ourselves in the unenviable spot of needing to confront or provide leadership to people with far more skills and training than we possess. One of the ways we can navigate those times is by learning to ask better questions. Another is to educate ourselves. As we face the new year, I talked about those things and more.
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