Episodes
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Michelle "admits" the rumors that Kristen are spreading are true. Jax proves to be a real jerk. Jesse shells out marriage advice while his marriage is done. Janet loses her shit. Zach proves to be the biggest troll of all time. The way these men talk down to all of the women is disgusting but can't stop watching.
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This second part of the VPR could have been an email but here we are. Happy Memorial Day and wanted to give you a little holiday treat by recapping this snoozefest of a reunion but at least there is still plenty to snark on. Something About Her is open and Ariana and Katie are ready to serve Lala a juicy sandwich filled with crow. Scheana makes everything about her...or tries to. John Mayer is getting his lawyers ready and restraining order in place. Jo is as chaotic as we expect. Ariana contines her PR tour and Brock and Lisa double as scenery.
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Episodes manquant?
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I still can't believe that they aren't doing a reunion for this show but whatever. Zack hates pink booties and the spy that goes with them. Janet continues to be a mean girl. Luke and Kristen basically don't talk about anything important in their relationship but want a baby. We start to see the biggest of cracks in Brittany and Jax's marriage. Danny starts to cry. Michelle hates Jesse and so much more in this episode.
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The first part of the VPR reunion is here and it was just eh.
Lala is doing too much.
Brock made me tear up and then immediately regret it.
Why is Lisa there?
Sandoval tells us about his new girlfriend who totally doesnt watch VPR.
Ariana stays winning with Katie.
Lala think she ate but really her and Scheana just come off as pathetic for camera time.
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Was this a season finale or a series finale? Because I'm ok with VPR going bye bye as long as our faves make their way to The Valley. Im in moving hell but wanted to bring you on episode for the week to recap this finale apparently sponsored by Applebees. Lala and Scheana prove to still be two faced, Brock is the worst, Katie is the ultimate girls girl and Ariana just wants the new espresso martini at Applebee's.
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Lisa is trying to make Penny happen, and Katie and Ariana aren't looking for a threesome. Brock needs a hobby. Sandoval masters the art of opening a door and incorporating LED lights onto his stage costumes. Lala shows off her softer side by facetiming Sandoval instead of texting him to disinvite him to a party he wasn't invited to. Brock growing up Mormon unlocks a core memory for me. Dan goes all the way to San Fransisco to go on the group trip without hanging with the group. Jo does the robot. Schwartz unsuccessfully throws himself at Katie but successfully proposes to Sandoval to be his roomie. Ariana puts Brock in check and I can't stop laughing at the "musical genius" of Sandoval and Scheana talking about their soundcheck.
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The Valley is The Best Show On Bravo and if you aren't watching it I feel bad for you.
Kristen's decor is giving old school VPR shitty apartment vibes. Luke hates LA and Kristen hates Colorado so they totally should have a baby together. Jasmine and Jax go on a totally organic lunch date that wasn't set up at all by production. Jax reveals to Jasmine a rumor Kristen told him. Jax gets into a hair loss prevention partnership with a bald man. Michelle has one foot out the door and Jesse has a great idea to go on drugs to get his ego in check while sipping Champagne with the boys. Nia does all the hard labor (pun intended) in her house. Jax's bar business partner's lose Brittany's number. Janet tricks Jasmine into what was said at lunch. Jax and Jesse flirt with Burning Girl Gabby and then the episode concludes with Hallway. Screaming. Cameras. Security. Production...and Kristen FINALLY reveals the real secret that she has been protecting Michelle with.
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If you don't want to hear about Phil and I deciding to divorce skip to the 12 minute mark.
Ex sur employee Jax visits James and Ally and starts in on his hatred for LVP and Katie. Stay toxic Jax. Between Brock's fashion choices and his "career" trajectory, Scheana and Brock will go to The Valley next season. Tom and Katie are post divorce goals. We get a 3 minute montage of the Toms going through a midlife crisis and Schwartz's tattoo artist hates Sandoval more than Ariana. Jax lets Lisa know what he thinks of her in words he doesn't know what they mean. Katie and Jax have a fight that is more like a tea party while Sandoval whispers sweet nothings in Hippie's ear. Scheana and Sandoval go at it by who is going to make everything more about them and the Gang heads to San Francisco next week for their cast trip.
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The Valley is the best show Bravo has given us all year. Brittany and Jax's marriage is showing cracks. Speaking of cracks, Jesse is cracking jokes about Michelle disappearing for days with a mystery famous director. Kristen thinks she is 2 minutes pregnant and an empath. The editors do the Lord's work. Nia shares her postpartum journey. Jax turns on his leaf blower more than he turns on Brittany. I make a shocking revelation that I hate myself for regarding Jax Taylor.
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Much like my very, very distant relative Taylor Swift this week, I'm doing a double drop of my podcast. And unlike Taylor Swift this week, the VPR cast keeps cranking out music nobody has asked for. The talk of the town is Rachel's sitdown with Bethenny Frankel on one of her 100 podcasts filled with mostly ads. Scheana Shay pulls a Nick Lachey. Lala is in search for a house to host a party to see who's sperm she will be inseminated with. Sandoval is upset nobody is noticing all the work he has done on himself (minus vocal lessons). Schwartz may actually have some common money sense. Scheana hates on Jetta girls. Sandoval clutches his pearls and goes home once Scheana tells him about her new song.
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We delve more into Tammy and Lou's marriage: Spoiler alert...he was middle aged and she was 18. Gross. Sophie is buying horses and on an online chatroom with Uncle Richie while George and Lauri are playing dress up. Jeana has the very relatable problem of having a house for each of her children. Jo and Slade have an awkward getaway filled with hot air and bad baby jokes. Poor friends rule and rich friends drool.
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Oh how the pronunciation of Capri keeps me up at night. The gang dog piles on Kristen. The dogs attack Brittany and Danny while they set up a romantic night of baby making for Luke. Janet looks guilty as hell rubbing that baby bump. Michelle wonders what secrets that Kristen is keeping safe for her. Jesse wonders what dinner jacket he will wear to the gala. Jax wonders what qualifications Kristen's therapist has. Brittany wonders if she will ever have sex again. We all wonder why the f&*$ Jesse wore THAT jacket to the gala.
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Lala and Scheana reveal themselves to be two faced jealous girlies. Lala should be banned from planning parties. Katie and Schwartz play tonsil hockey with the same nanny. Sandoval takes paintball way too seriously. Ariana and Katie stay winning. Jo finally gets some self respect.
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The Valley is giving off old VPR vibes. Pronouncing Capri is keeping me up at night. Michelle is livid about Kristen spreading a rumor. Zack is livid about Kristen telling everyone he told him the rumor. Jasmine is livid about Kristen telling that Jasmine told Zack the rumor. Janet is livid about Kristen saying that Zack told her the rumor because Jasmine told him. The rumor...that Janet said that Michelle is a Republican and a racist. Only Jesse can piss me off standing up for his wife.
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Ann wants to jump ship from one dirty undies wearer to a slob kabob. I pitch being Sandoval's assistant. Scheana and Brock and Schwartz have decided any camera time on VPR is going to be dedicated to auditioning for The Valley. Lala owes James $150 for pizza. Ariana uses the F word until it loses meaning. The gang can't agree who really tried to kill Mya. Beach Day was a nightmare.
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I always forget how this era of Reality TV was like the wild west. Everything goes.
This episode provides us with our first ever truly iconic housewives moment and it involves a family van. Lauri gets engaged for money and it has absolutely nothing to do with how loaded George is. Jo and Slade are on the same page about being on different pages. Uncle Richie and Slade in the same scene. My eyes! My eyes! Duff takes a trip down memory lane when he needs to get off his ass and help Tammy. Vicki's dog sitter quits before he even starts.
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Jax puts a lot of thought into his restaurant choice when he takes Kristen to lunch. Everyone is trying to make Nipplegate a thing. Luke wears his emotions on his face. Kristen and Alex play the ultimate he said/she said game. Brittany is on 1.5 speed as Jax's publicist. Janet's baby better bring the drama. Michelle and Jesse still can't stand each other.
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The BEST episode of the season so far! We have the big reveal that Schwartz and Scheana made out. 55 people need to change their privacy settings. Ariana stays winning and Lala and Scheana stay jealous. Tom's guided meditation made me want a shower for my eyes, and Brock was very willing to get in the mess. We have Mya being rescued by Ariana once again, the best one liner of the year from James Kennedy, Assistant Ann jumping ship and a 25 year old being subjected to Sandoval's flirting. Jo has a breakdown, Katie has a hookup, and Something about Her still isn't open. This episode had so much so please come back to VPR...its getting good.
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Jo heads to the Playboy Mansion and Hugh Hefner files a restraining order against Slade. Sky Tops and bejeweled jeans make a splash in the OC. Jeana stays humble and there aren't enough guard dogs at the Keough's to protect them from Uncle Richie. Lauri may have skipped the math class on degrees but she sure knows how many commas her new boyfriend George has in his bank account. We meet our new housewife Tammy who lost everything in a flood while she was babysitting for Jeana and Jeana shows Tammy her $15,000 necklace.
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I have a double header for you today as I recap both VPR and The Valley Premiere (starting around the 24 minute mark).
I start off the episode with a health update that I'm thrilled to share!
Sandoval dusts off his 20 year old pick up lines for girls that totally are not VPR fans and definitely have never heard of Scandoval. Scheana continues her Unhinged with Scheana Shay tour and throws John Mayer under the bus in the process. We get spooky Jo and a riveting turtle story. Sandoval becomes a Scott Peterson apologist. Jax is back and gives us the best 3 minutes of VPR we have had all season.
The Valley is here and the cast is a lot. Kristen is back on our screens and we have missed her. Jax is telling Kristen everyone is talking about her too...because he can't stop bringing her and her reproductive choices up. Two of the couples are way too lovely and boring but we love a good trainwreck and Jesse and Michelle are the toxic marriage that we needed to get this show going. - Montre plus