Episoder
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Most people treat resentment like something to push away or white-knuckle through. But before you can release it, you need to know what you're actually holding β because not all resentment is the same, and the way you work with each type is completely different.
In this episode, we break down six distinct types of resentment, why one of them is actually a loving emotion, why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time, and what the path toward healing actually looks like.
What we cover:
Why resentment is the perception of being treated unfairly β and why that word matters more than you think The CBT triangle: how your beliefs and perspectives create your feelings, not just the events themselves Six types of resentment: deflected, relational, protective, displaced, inherited, and self-resentment turned outward Why protective resentment blocks genuine repair β even when the other person is actually changing How implicit memory and the nervous system keep old wounds alive in present-day relationships A three-part framework for what to actually do with resentment once you've identified which type you're holdingTIMESTAMPS:
00:00 β Why releasing resentment without understanding it doesn't work 01:15 β What resentment actually is: perception, not reality 02:25 β CBT and the triangle: how perspectives create feelings 03:20 β The example: I resent my spouse because they don't care about me 05:00 β Resentment vs. anger: why resentment is waiting for something 05:39 β Intro to the six types 06:03 β Type 1: Deflected resentment 09:44 β Type 2: Relational resentment 12:14 β Type 3: Protective resentment 14:45 β Type 4: Displaced resentment 18:00 β Type 5: Inherited resentment 20:00 β Type 6: Self-resentment turned outward 22:40 β The disempowerment cycle and how to get your power back 23:57 β Why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time 24:40 β Implicit memory and the nervous system 27:27 β The cognitive bias underneath resentment 30:33 β What to do: identify the type, find the belief, understand beliefs are workable 35:04 β The PracticeORDER MY BOOK: Why We Fight is my new book published by HarperOne. The book is a roadmap for understanding the core wound driving your conflict patterns, and how to change them. Available wherever books are sold. π kimpolinder.com/book
JOIN THE PRACTICE: The Practice is my weekly community for doing the real work. It's not surface-level self-awareness, but the actual patterns underneath. Join at kimpolinder.substack.com
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Avoidant attachment isn't one category. Dismissive and fearful avoidant patterns respond very differently in conflict, and using the wrong repair strategy can make things worse.
If one of you demands calm and the other escalates to be heard, this episode is for you.
Kim covers the real issue beneath tone, intensity, and shutdown: distress tolerance.
Timestamps:
00:00 When Only One Emotional Tone Is Allowed
00:55 This Isn't Incompatibility. It's Capacity.
03:01 What Attachment Theory Is (And Isn't)
05:28 Dismissive vs Fearful Avoidant: The Critical Difference
08:06 Why Repair Depends on the Pattern
09:15 "I Just Want Calm" vs "I Just Want to Be Heard"
11:28 Is Wanting Calm Unreasonable?
12:34 Boundary vs Emotional Control
14:38 The Real Issue: Distress Tolerance
15:03 Why Insight Isn't Enough
17:35 Reps for Anxious Preoccupied Patterns
18:15 Reps for Dismissive Avoidant Patterns
19:05 Reps for Fearful Avoidant Patterns
20:39 Why Skill Requires Practice
21:05 Join The Practice
If you're serious about widening your emotional lane instead of having the same fight again next week, my community The Practice is opening soon.
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Manglende episoder?
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More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it's the first place they turn when something feels wrong.
So the real question isn't whether AI is good or bad.
It's this:
Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal?In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns.
We cover:
β’ Why AI feels supportive β and why that can be misleading
β’ The difference between insight and integration
β’ How systems are trained to mirror and validate
β’ The risk of comfort without accountability
β’ Why real emotional safety includes friction
β’ How self-trust erodes when authority gets outsourced
β’ Practical ways to configure AI so it challenges you instead of agreeing with youTimestamps
00:00 β Is AI your best friend or your emotional echo chamber?
04:12 β The data: how many people are already using AI for mental health
07:35 β Why AI feels so validating
11:20 β Insight vs. integration: what most people miss
16:45 β Comfort without responsibility
21:10 β Real emotional safety includes friction
25:40 β Where self-trust quietly erodes
29:30 β How to configure ChatGPT to reduce sycophancy
33:10 β Prompts for deeper self-awareness
38:05 β When AI becomes a red flag instead of a tool
41:20 β Growth requires integration
Understanding yourself is powerful.
But growth happens when your nervous system learns something new. In real relationships, under real conditions.Insight can start the process.
Integration is moving from self-awareness to changing your behaviors. This is what changes your life.If this episode resonated and you're realizing insight isn't the same as change, that's exactly what The Practice is built for.
It's a community focused on integration. Building nervous system capacity, relational skill, and real-time repair. Not just understanding your patterns, but interrupting them.
You can learn more and join the waitlist at kimpolinder.com
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what's really going on beneath "food noise," body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating.
They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when professional support is warranted, and offers a grounded framework for helping both yourself and loved ones without reinforcing shame.
This episode is for anyone who feels consumed by food thoughts, stuck in body-based self-worth, or confused about where healing actually begins.
Guest: Sarah Burney
Licensed in CA, AZ, OR, and PA
burneytherapygroup.comTimestamps
00:00 β What "food noise" actually feels like
02:31 β Stress eating, dopamine, and emotional regulation
03:54 β Food as self-soothing vs avoidance
05:06 β When food thoughts cross the line into needing support
05:26 β Medical vs psychological red flags
06:03 β How shame initiates and sustains disordered eating
07:19 β Why changing your body never solves the real problem
08:21 β Is body image ever the root issue?
09:00 β Core beliefs, trauma, and self-worth
10:15 β Why success and appearance don't fix internal distress
11:15 β What treatment actually looks like
12:11 β Body dysmorphia vs negative body image (important distinction)
14:12 β Separating self-worth from self-improvement
15:35 β Being treated differently based on appearance and why it matters
17:18 β Why reaching the "ideal" body doesn't bring relief
21:04 β The belief underneath "I need to look different"
24:33 β Disordered eating vs diagnosable eating disorders
25:26 β Why eating disorders are not about food
26:48 β How loved ones can help without causing harm
29:47 β What to look for in an eating disorder specialist
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In this episode, I'm joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made.
We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run.
Alex's web site: https://www.thedivorceplanner.net/--------------
Timestamps & topics
00:00 β What a divorce prep coach actually does
How divorce prep differs from legal strategy and why preparation before calling a lawyer matters02:15 β Why people want to "just get it over with"
Emotional overwhelm, avoidance, and the risks of making decisions from shutdown or panic03:50 β Divorce as the end of an imagined future
Grief, loss of identity, and facing a blank slate you didn't plan for06:10 β The emotional pain people underestimate
Why sadness, grief, and shame still show up even when divorce is the "right" decision08:40 β How childhood patterns resurface during divorce
Why old narratives about worth, safety, and capability come back online10:20 β Divorce and confidence collapse
Questioning your value, competence, and future, especially for stay-at-home parents13:05 β Reframing skills, worth, and capability
Recognizing transferable skills and rebuilding self-trust14:45 β Retraining the brain during a destabilizing life transition
Awareness, emotional regulation, and building stability when everything feels uncertain17:00 β Social stigma, family reactions, and judgment
Why divorce still carries shame and how others' reactions can complicate healing19:10 β The most unhelpful things people say during divorce
"Well-meaning" comments that actually increase shame and self-doubt21:30 β How friends can offer real support
Listening, practical help, and showing up without trying to fix or judge24:10 β Letting yourself receive support
Why isolation makes divorce harder and how connection actually builds resilience28:40 β Why you should never negotiate money without knowing your numbers
How fear around finances leads to long-term regret30:10 β The 5-5-5 decision rule
Evaluating divorce decisions based on their impact over time, not just immediate relief32:00 β Final advice for early-stage divorce decisions
Why slowing down now protects your future self and prevents costly mistakes later--------------
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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You understand why you avoid.
You see the pattern.
And you're still doing it.In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change β and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior.
Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common "false fixes" people rely on when they're trying to change β strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance.
Using real-life relational examples, nervous system science, and practical reframes, this episode explains why waiting to feel calm, trying to be perfect, forcing yourself through hard moments, or endlessly consuming self-help content often backfires.
The focus is not on fixing yourself, but on building emotional capacity: the ability to stay present with discomfort, repair when things go sideways, and stop turning one hard moment into a verdict about who you are.
Timestamps & Topics
[00:00:00] β The Conundrum: Why self-awareness doesn't change behavior.
[00:01:39] β Defining Capacity: Why change requires extreme discomfort.
[00:02:48] β False Fix #1: Waiting to feel calm or "ready" before acting.
[00:03:59] β False Fix #2: The perfectionism trap and the cost of "doing it right".
[00:06:50] β False Fix #3: Forcing exposure without a support system.
[00:08:45] β Pausing to Avoid vs. Pausing to Build Capacity.
[00:14:09] β False Fix #4: Searching for the "Golden Key" of insight.
[00:16:40] β Short-term relief vs. Long-term training of the nervous system.
[00:19:35] β Why willpower fails under emotional threat.
[00:22:00] β Compassionate Curiosity: How to stop abandoning yourself.
[00:24:37] β Why we lose access to our skills when triggered.
[00:27:13] β The Lab Partner: The necessity of community and repair.
[00:29:14] β Invitation to the Virtual Cohort: Building capacity in real-time.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before.
This episode isn't about productivity, discipline, or time management. It's about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive.
Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn't laziness. It's protection.
Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects procrastination to emotional attunement, identity, shutdown, people-pleasing, catastrophizing, and the fear of inner collapse. She also explains why insight alone doesn't change behavior, and what actually has to shift for real movement to happen.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Rage, triggers, and decades of stored emotional memory
00:25 β Why feeling misunderstood cuts so deeply
00:52 β Procrastination isn't about time management
02:29 β Procrastination around hard conversations
03:01 β Mistakes, shame, and fragile self-esteem
05:28 β What self-esteem actually is (and isn't)
06:25 β Emotional attunement explained
07:37 β Why "they'll never understand me" isn't true
08:10 β Childhood emotional neglect and minimization
09:14 β Avoidant coping and jumping to solutions
09:57 β Why being sat with matters
10:27 β Religion, conflict avoidance, and emotional bypassing
11:30 β Biology of trauma and implicit memory
12:33 β Adoption, abandonment, and cognitive bias
13:46 β Anger as a lifelong trigger
14:52 β Suppression vs expression of emotion
15:41 β Coping mechanisms and shutdown
16:24 β Anxious vs avoidant responses in conflict
18:28 β Catastrophizing and control
19:13 β Why anxiety feels protective
23:14 β Childhood roles: good child, peacemaker, achiever
26:25 β Waiting until you're angry to speak
29:12 β Why your partner isn't the whole cause
30:07 β Shutdown as self-protection, not punishment
31:05 β Why insight doesn't change behavior
33:11 β Reframing hard conversations
36:16 β How family freezes you in old identities
37:35 β Why growth feels threatening
38:05 β Holding competing emotions about parents
39:22 β Letting go of old identities
40:05 β Why growth feels risky, not empowering
41:18 β What actually reduces procrastination
42:09 β Questions to ask yourself about avoidance
44:58 β Pay attention to what you avoid
45:26 β What avoidance is protecting
ββββββββββββββββββThis episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck despite insight, avoid hard conversations, or keep postponing the things that matter most to you.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxiousβavoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression.
This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Communicating with avoidant partners
β’ Self-doubt and confidence
β’ Relationships and depression02:00 β Faith in yourself explained (without religion)
03:10 β Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change
05:05 β Why belief in change matters before action
06:40 β CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors
08:35 β Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue
10:20 β Taking accountability for change11:30 β Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners
13:05 β Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics
15:10 β Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem
17:30 β Emotional shutdown and childhood origins
19:45 β Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other
22:30 β Independence vs emotional unavailability
24:40 β Where attachment patterns are formed
27:10 β Why communication feels one-sided
29:30 β Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk
31:45 β Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner
34:10 β When communication tools stop working
36:30 β Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment
38:45 β When it may be time to walk away
41:20 β Sampling behavior to predict the future43:10 β Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism
45:05 β How self-criticism becomes tied to worth
47:40 β Childhood roots of self-doubt
50:10 β Why self-blame once served a purpose
52:35 β Separating past conditioning from present reality
55:20 β Attributing success without self-punishment
58:10 β Letting go of people who mistreat you
01:01:00 β Tolerating loneliness during growth
01:03:45 β Making mistakes on purpose
01:06:10 β Learning to take life more lightly01:09:00 β Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple
01:10:40 β Why dual depression adds strain
01:12:30 β Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics
01:15:10 β Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance
01:18:00 β Day-to-day functioning and division of labor
01:20:30 β Supporting each other without enabling
01:23:15 β Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility
01:26:10 β Using CBT to manage depressive thinkingββββββββββββββββββ
This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm.
This episode looks closely at why "sudden change" can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually.
The final section focuses on in-law boundaries, postpartum vulnerability, and how to get a peacemaking partner on board when accountability threatens family harmony.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Abusive partner claiming sudden change
β’ Repeated cheating and false reconciliation cycles
β’ Postpartum boundary violations with in-laws01:27 β What trauma bonds are and how they form
02:25 β Reward and punishment cycles in abusive relationships
03:23 β Power imbalance, conditioning, and familiarity with harm
03:57 β Why people return after leaving abusive partners
04:20 β Why consistent kindness can feel "boring" or unsafe06:00 β Question 1: "My abusive partner says he's changed, but it feels fake"
07:38 β What "fake progress" often signals
08:27 β Psychiatry vs therapy and limits of medication alone
09:45 β Why years of abuse don't resolve in a few sessions
10:41 β Medication as stabilization vs real healing
11:39 β What genuine repair actually requires
12:07 β The role of couples therapy and trauma-informed work
12:58 β Safety, boundaries, and rebuilding self-advocacy
13:48 β How to define measurable signs of real change
15:04 β Why five therapy sessions is not enough
16:11 β Apology, accountability, and empathy as non-negotiables
17:38 β When love becomes endurance instead of care19:02 β Question 2: Repeated cheating, devastation, and reunion cycles
20:16 β Why repeated betrayal points to deeper issues
20:46 β What true remorse looks like
21:07 β How to assess the quality of an apology
22:26 β Common patterns behind infidelity
23:45 β Cheating as coping, rebellion, or avoidance
24:37 β Trauma bonds and why leaving feels impossible
26:25 β The "rescuer" role and saving dynamics
27:37 β Supporting someone without sacrificing yourself
28:30 β Receiving care and challenging worthiness beliefs
29:39 β When patterns won't change without real work30:34 β Question 3: Postpartum harm, resentment, and in-law boundaries
31:28 β Healthy vs toxic resentment explained
32:31 β Lowering the pedestal and grieving lost trust
33:29 β Peacemakers, people-pleasing, and boundary collapse
34:25 β Why boundaries must be specific, not vague
35:38 β Testing alignment with your partner
36:40 β Empathy as the key to shared boundaries
38:17 β Examining your partner's "math" around harm
39:26 β Repair vs boundaries with parents and in-laws
40:10 β When to stop pursuing reconciliation
40:53 β Role-playing boundaries before conflict happens
41:52 β Helping a peacemaking partner build empathyββββββββββββββββββ
This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck between leaving and hoping, or if you're questioning whether change is real or simply temporary relief.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxiousβavoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making.
This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change.
Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the silent treatment, and how martyrdom quietly erodes self-respect and relationships.
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Time Stamps00:00 β Listener questions: shutdown in conflict, marriage pressure, martyr complex
01:00 β What attachment theory actually explains
02:10 β The four attachment styles and how they form
04:18 β How attachment styles show up in adult relationships
08:34 β Why people mislabel themselves as "secure"
10:00 β Moving past attachment labels toward secure functioning10:29 β Why anxious and avoidant partners find each other
12:02 β Anxiousβavoidant conflict and chronic shutdown
13:23 β Stonewalling vs the silent treatment (Gottman framework)
14:44 β Why breaks longer than 24 hours cause harm
16:49 β How anxious partners unintentionally reinforce shutdown
18:00 β When you've done all you can and nothing changes
20:29 β Deciding what you can live with23:25 β Marriage timelines and commitment resistance
25:23 β "If you loved me, you wouldβ¦" and weak arguments
27:21 β Fear, attachment, and self-sabotage around commitment
29:56 β The risk of forcing readiness
31:55 β Resentment as the real long-term threat33:35 β What a martyr complex really is
36:17 β How suffering becomes tied to worth
38:28 β Faulty "martyr math" and unmet expectations
40:29 β Martyrdom, trauma, and low self-esteem
42:14 β Why misery feels safer than happiness
43:43 β Challenging beliefs and learning to say no
46:17 β Resentment, manipulation, and people-pleasing
47:59 β Closing reflections and community resourcesββββββββββββββββββ
If this episode resonates, consider sharing it with someone who feels stuck in the same patterns.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O'Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns.
This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship.
The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward or unsure what to do, and how to begin untangling self-sabotaging behaviors that have been in place for years, especially when disability, shame, or past mistakes are involved.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Struggling to empathize instead of fixing
β’ Supporting someone who is grieving or sad
β’ Long-term self-sabotage and accountability01:00 β Introduction to Mason O'Sullivan and his coaching background
02:30 β Why people seek coaching and therapy
03:35 β Creating safe spaces for vulnerability
04:30 β Finding your voice, identity, and boundaries
06:05 β What authenticity actually means
07:25 β People-pleasing and not knowing your needs08:57 β Question 1: "I don't know how to empathize if I can't fix it"
10:23 β The urge to problem-solve and prove value
11:26 β Empathy vs sympathy explained
12:33 β Why solutions often miss the point
13:36 β Guessing needs vs asking directly
14:50 β Role play: what not to do
16:22 β Why reassurance can still feel invalidating
17:44 β Role play: responding with empathy
19:36 β Paraphrasing emotions and checking understanding
21:02 β Empathy is not agreement
22:30 β How validation opens the door to repair
24:09 β When and how to move into solutions25:42 β Question 2: Supporting someone who is grieving or sad
26:35 β Awkwardness, nervous laughter, and discomfort
27:45 β Why grief is hard to sit with
28:21 β Letting someone lead with what they need
29:14 β Holding space instead of fixing
30:10 β Why silence can be supportive
31:10 β Grief, avoidance, and freezing time
32:42 β Talking through grief as healing
34:11 β Exploring your relationship with sadness36:10 β Question 3: Breaking a decade of self-sabotage
37:41 β Disability vs avoidance as a coping strategy
39:13 β Realistic goals and self-assessment
40:08 β Self-fulfilling prophecies and sabotage
41:31 β Choice, agency, and accountability
42:22 β Core beliefs and self-worth
43:34 β Forgiveness, mistakes, and lovability
45:24 β Awareness as the first interruption
46:03 β Self-sabotage as predictability and protection
47:25 β Leaving before being left
48:37 β Encouragement and counting progressββββββββββββββββββ
This episode is especially helpful if you've been told you're "bad at empathy," feel helpless around grief, or recognize patterns of self-sabotage you're ready to change.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict.
This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others.
Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the go-between, understanding micro-violence and triggers in couples conflict, and learning how to tolerate disappointment in others without collapsing into guilt or self-abandonment.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Managing estranged family relationships
β’ Boundaries in romantic relationships and micro-violence
β’ People-pleasing and guilt00:39 β Why boundaries are a people pleaser's worst nightmare
01:13 β The subconscious purpose of not setting boundaries
01:36 β How people-pleasing keeps peace and avoids abandonment
02:05 β Why new behaviors must outweigh old coping strategies
02:35 β Core beliefs that block boundary-setting
03:00 β Guilt, conditioning, and fear of punishment
03:25 β Assertiveness vs deeper self-worth beliefs03:57 β Knowing what you want before setting boundaries
04:22 β Resentment as a boundary litmus test
05:02 β How resentment poisons relationships over time05:56 β Question 1: Being stuck between estranged family members
06:44 β The role of the middle person and hidden costs
07:08 β Deciding your limits as a go-between
07:50 β Why it's not your job to repair others' relationships
08:15 β Identity, value, and being needed
08:51 β Unfinished business and personal resentment
09:44 β Letting adults carry their own accountability
10:30 β Practicing and enforcing family boundaries11:05 β Question 2: Boundaries and micro-violence in a relationship
11:30 β Focusing on triggers instead of rules
12:23 β Projections vs transference in conflict
13:15 β Childhood patterns and learned communication
13:57 β Empathy as the antidote to escalation
14:54 β Unprocessed trauma and volatility15:48 β Question 3: People-pleasing and guilt after setting boundaries
16:44 β Why guilt assumes others don't care about you
17:29 β Learning to tolerate disappointment
17:53 β Challenging irrational inner dialogue
18:43 β Fear of rejection and early abandonment
19:38 β Re-orienting to the present instead of childhood fear
20:28 β Receiving love without earning it
21:43 β Letting evidence of support rewire old beliefs
22:13 β Why boundaries feel harder before they feel easierββββββββββββββββββ
This episode is especially relevant if you struggle with guilt after saying no, feel responsible for keeping the peace, or notice resentment building in your relationships.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 4, Kim answers listener questions about self-esteem, identity, people-pleasing, and how to build a sense of self without losing connection to others.
This episode explores how self-esteem is formed early in life, why people-pleasing and conflict avoidance feel safer than honesty, and how avoiding discomfort slowly erodes integrity, intimacy, and identity. Kim breaks down impostor syndrome in plain language, reframes comparison culture, and offers practical ways to build happiness, self-care, and self-trust both while single and in relationships.
The throughline of this episode is learning how to be your own anchor rather than outsourcing worth, happiness, or direction to other people.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Being your own source of happiness while dating
β’ Practicing self-love in a relationship
β’ Constant comparison to others00:00:33 β Introduction: self-esteem, identity, and impostor syndrome
01:02 β What impostor syndrome is and what it isn't
01:30 β Why impostor syndrome isn't a DSM diagnosis
01:58 β How impostor syndrome impacts self-esteem
02:44 β Self-doubt, comparison, and inner dialogue03:10 β How self-esteem is formed early in life
03:36 β People-pleasing as a response to insecurity
04:01 β Why people-pleasing is transactional, not kind
04:55 β Resentment, manipulation, and emotional cost
05:18 β Conflict avoidance and long-term damage
06:15 β Losing integrity through silence
06:40 β Identity loss in long-term relationships
07:00 β Conflict avoidance at family and community levels
08:23 β Regret, bitterness, and the cost of not speaking up
08:43 β Learning communication and confrontation as skills
09:09 β Integrity as the foundation of healthy relationships09:19 β Question 1: Being your own source of happiness
09:59 β Why many people don't know what makes them happy
10:22 β Tuning out your own needs to care for others
11:16 β Finding purpose through community
12:10 β Experimentation and trial-and-error while single
12:36 β Removing fear of rejection from self-discovery
13:00 β Using your past as a happiness blueprint
13:29 β Separating happiness from romantic partners
14:19 β The importance of platonic friendships
14:47 β Practicing vulnerability and repair with friends
15:19 β Why friendships strengthen romantic relationships16:19 β Question 2: Practicing self-love and self-care in a relationship
16:57 β Defining what self-care actually means to you
17:20 β Why knowing what you need isn't enough
17:43 β People-pleasing and difficulty asking for care
18:05 β Self-care as boundary-setting
18:26 β Fear of tending to your own emotions
19:17 β Avoidance, trauma, and disconnection from the body
20:08 β Why self-care goes deeper than surface habits20:50 β Question 3: Constant comparison to others
21:16 β Social media and distorted comparison
22:18 β Curated lives and emotional disconnection
23:05 β Edited identities and blocked intimacy
23:46 β Objectification and fantasy thinking
24:07 β CBT tools for interrupting comparison
25:01 β Using comparison as motivation instead of shame
25:39 β Healthy role models and mentorship
26:22 β Community, collaboration, and shared growth27:34 β Closing reflections and final quote
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel disconnected from yourself, struggle with people-pleasing, or find your self-worth rising and falling based on comparison or approval.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 3, Kim breaks down resentment: what it is, why it lingers, and how to work with it without letting it harden you.
This episode introduces a key distinction between toxic resentment and healthy resentment, especially in the context of abandonment, infidelity, and long-standing friendships that no longer feel safe or reciprocal. Kim walks through how resentment often signals ungrieved loss, unmet expectations, and misplaced responsibility, and why learning to "lower the pedestal" can be an essential part of healing.
Listener questions include navigating anger toward an abandoning co-parent, repairing trust after repeated infidelity, and deciding when it's time to end a friendship that has become painful or one-sided.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Anger and resentment toward an absent co-parent
β’ Infidelity, divorce, and reconciliation
β’ Ending a long-standing friendship00:00:50 β Introduction: what resentment is and why it matters
01:17 β Two types of resentment explained
01:45 β Toxic resentment and how it corrodes over time
02:12 β Healthy resentment as grief and disappointment
02:38 β Why having no expectations isn't realistic
03:06 β Resentment as waiting for someone to make things right
03:35 β How resentment reveals attachment and care
03:58 β A simple question to distinguish healthy vs toxic resentment
04:25 β When resentment is justified
04:47 β The pedestal problem
05:16 β How people get put on pedestals
05:42 β The process of downgrading
06:13 β Superficial validation and shallow loyalty
06:44 β Codependency and misplaced trust
07:10 β How introspection rebuilds self-respect07:42 β Resentment with family
08:05 β Why family resentment hurts more
08:36 β Independence, boundaries, and healing
08:59 β Accepting that some family members won't change
09:20 β Grieving unmet parental love
10:03 β Choosing healthier attachment figures
10:26 β Vulnerability, shame, and receiving love
10:57 β Being selective about who you open up to
11:19 β The "closet of shame" and blocked intimacy12:28 β Question 1: Anger toward an absent father
13:04 β Untangling anger from sadness
13:30 β Self-blame and inappropriate responsibility
14:19 β Correlation vs causation in abandonment
15:15 β How childhood conclusions repeat in adulthood
16:04 β Expressing anger safely
16:27 β Writing as emotional processing
17:09 β Identifying patterns of abandonment
17:56 β Seeking support and restoring self-worth
18:56 β Accountability in possible reconciliation19:40 β Question 2: Infidelity and saving a marriage
20:26 β Understanding resentment from the betrayed partner's side
21:24 β Why some couples do work through infidelity
22:17 β Infidelity as a coping mechanism
23:14 β Patterns, unmet needs, and identity
23:57 β Steps of a proper apology
24:26 β Owning behavior without defensiveness
25:16 β Empathy, remorse, and rebuilding trust
26:45 β Answering questions and holding space
27:28 β Why trust takes time28:28 β Question 3: Ending a long-standing friendship
29:11 β Healthy resentment and failed repair attempts
29:37 β Clarifying needs and roles
30:15 β When boundaries replace reconciliation
31:11 β Expectations, reality, and disappointment
31:57 β Pedestals, roles, and disillusionment
32:49 β Who changed: you or them?
33:39 β Growth, people-pleasing, and identity shifts
34:40 β Replacing unsafe family roles with chosen support
35:29 β Adult responsibility and boundaries
35:55 β Encouragement for speaking up36:16 β Closing reflections and quote
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck in resentment, carry responsibility for other people's choices, or are trying to decide whether to repair, redefine, or release a relationship.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 2, Kim revisits the concept of love languages and expands it beyond Gary Chapman's framework to include what she calls childhood love languages: the ways love, attention, neglect, and reassurance were first experienced and internalized early in life.
This episode explores why mismatches around texting, reassurance, effort, and commitment are often less about preference and more about attachment wounds, unmet needs, and early conditioning. Kim answers listener questions about constant texting and delayed replies, surviving repeated infidelity, and feeling pressured to meet perfectionistic expectations in a relationship.
Throughout the episode, the focus stays on empathy, accountability, and learning how to recognize both your own needs and the ways your partner may already be expressing care in forms you're not noticing.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Texting, reassurance, and delayed replies
β’ Multiple infidelities in marriage
β’ Perfectionism, engagement, and feeling "not enough"01:09 β Introduction to the five love languages
02:26 β Why love languages resonated with so many people
02:55 β Perception, CBT, and how meaning is assigned
03:19 β Introducing childhood love languages
03:43 β How early experiences shape what love feels like
04:08 β Neglect, abuse, and miswired definitions of love
04:57 β Repeating unhealthy dynamics in adult relationships
05:31 β Recognizing childhood love languages through patterns05:59 β Question 1: "Texting is my love language"
06:23 β Anxiety, reassurance, and delayed replies
07:48 β Texting as a bid for safety, not control
08:54 β Inconsistent caregiving and anxious attachment
09:43 β Recreating neglectful dynamics in adult relationships
10:53 β Attention as a valid human need
11:35 β How awareness reduces the grip of reassurance-seeking
12:04 β The avoidant partner's childhood love language
12:25 β Compromise and meeting in the middle
12:45 β Talking about pain instead of policing behavior
13:22 β Noticing love in forms you're overlooking
13:47 β Resistance to meeting a partner's needs
14:07 β Healing childhood wounds through relationships14:37 β Question 2: Can a marriage survive multiple infidelities?
15:06 β Why infidelity brings couples to therapy
15:38 β The role of remorse and personal work
16:07 β What makes an apology real vs hollow
17:02 β Example of a poor apology
17:28 β Example of a proper apology
18:51 β Accountability, empathy, and rebuilding trust
19:12 β Answering questions after betrayal
19:53 β Misplaced self-blame and comparison
20:22 β Sitting on the "hot seat" after infidelity
20:43 β Long-term reassurance and transparency
21:03 β Knowing when it's time to stop trying
21:35 β Patterns vs isolated incidents
22:03 β Childhood modeling of betrayal and repair22:38 β Question 3: Perfectionism and the "dangling carrot"
23:06 β Feeling like nothing is ever enough
24:26 β Childhood roots of perfectionism
25:09 β Type A vs laid-back dynamics
25:56 β Losing yourself in goal-driven relationships
26:19 β People-pleasing and suppressed needs
26:43 β People-pleasing as conditional love
27:11 β Exploitation and moving goalposts
27:42 β Premarital counseling and alignment
28:06 β Clarifying values, needs, and future vision
28:35 β Why seeking a "perfect relationship" is a red flag29:21 β Closing reflections and Gary Chapman quote
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel anxious about communication, stuck in cycles of betrayal, or unsure whether your relationship expectations are realistic or rooted in old patterns.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
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In Episode 1 of Engineering Love, Kim introduces the core philosophy behind the podcast: that love isn't something that magically happens, it's something that can be learned, built, and repaired with the right tools.
Drawing from her background as both a relationship coach and former IT systems engineer, Kim explains her root-cause approach to relationships and emotional pain. She responds to listener questions about depression and anxiety in relationships, recurring arguments over domestic issues, and couples who keep breaking up despite wanting to make things work.
This episode lays the foundation for the series, emphasizing empathy, accountability, self-awareness, and the importance of understanding patterns rather than blaming individuals.
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Time Stamps & Topics00:00 β Listener questions preview
β’ Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety
β’ Communicating about domestic annoyances
β’ Couples who keep breaking up but want to stay together00:32 β Welcome to Engineering Love
01:00 β Kim's background as a relationship coach and IT systems engineer
01:32 β Engineering vs psychotherapy: finding root causes
01:54 β Fascination with personality, suffering, and patterns
02:16 β Why short social media advice isn't enough
02:41 β Why love isn't accidental or effortless
03:05 β The myth of "love should be natural"
03:34 β How we learn communication and relationships
04:10 β Conditioning vs being "broken"
04:42 β Reconditioning thoughts, feelings, and behavior
05:04 β Community, listener questions, and intention for the show05:25 β Question 1: Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety
06:14 β The core need to feel understood
06:36 β Pity vs sympathy vs empathy
07:19 β Empathy vs compassion explained
08:19 β Why compassion requires healthy detachment
09:03 β What people are really asking for in support
09:26 β Clarifying what "understanding" actually means
10:08 β The danger of moving goalposts for empathy
10:59 β Childhood emotional neglect and resisting support
11:25 β Asking clearly for what you need
11:46 β Listening without fixing
12:40 β Validation without shared experience13:02 β Question 2: Communicating about domestic annoyances
13:44 β Why chores are one of the biggest relationship conflicts
14:06 β Creating a clear chores list and accountability
14:51 β When resistance becomes a pattern
15:31 β Authority, control, and parentβchild dynamics
16:38 β When chores symbolize care, safety, or love
17:20 β Cleanliness, order, and childhood history
18:37 β Accepting differences instead of setting partners up to fail
19:56 β Power dynamics and resentment around chores
20:21 β Looking beneath surface conflicts20:49 β Question 3: Wanting to work it out but repeatedly breaking up
21:18 β The value of third-party support
21:48 β Identifying core complaints about your partner
22:12 β Projection: judging what you dislike in yourself
22:40 β Transference: reacting to the past in the present
23:24 β Growth opportunities hidden in conflict
24:09 β Self-esteem, worth, and personal responsibility
24:33 β The impact of who you surround yourself with
25:24 β Choosing relationships that support growth
25:44 β Interrupting destructive cycles
26:11 β Inner work alongside relationship repair26:32 β Closing thoughts and Carl Rogers quote
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This episode is especially helpful if you're trying to understand your patterns, feel stuck in recurring conflicts, or want a more grounded way to think about love and repair.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
