Episoder
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In the past few episodes, I’ve talked about keeping in touch with friends through the digital space. This episode goes a step further: how do you MAKE friends online?
Today’s guests are Claudia and Marcela, the mother-daughter duo behind the Minded Society, which offers a supportive virtual environment for women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, with monthly events, book clubs, and personalized connections, helping members find authentic friendships across distances.
We dive into everything, from maintaining friendships across time zones to being intentional about using the digital world to form deep connections. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, Minded Society is offering our listeners 50 percent off your first month, plus a free 14-day trial; use the code Friendship IRL on their website.
Technology isn't a barrier to deep friendship; if you use it right, it can be a bridge that leads you to the kind of people who make you feel less alone in the world.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The inception of Minded Society during the COVID-19 pandemic, driven by shared feelings of lonelinessWhat Minded Society is: a community that helps women form authentic friendships despite living in different parts of the worldThe importance of effort in maintaining online friendships, regardless of proximity or technology, and how to channel that effort (voice notes, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.)Generational differences in communication preferences and balancing effort and respect for others' boundariesResources & Links
Listen to Episode 127 about calling your friends and Episode 24 about using the Marco Polo app. In this episode I also mention my Roots framework.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Are online friends REAL friends?
I’m not talking about parasocial relationships, which are one-sided relationships; I’m talking about people you’ve had conversations with, people who know things about you. My personal opinion is that they most certainly are.
In this episode, I talk in-depth about the difference between my friends I met in person and the friends I met online. I combat some of the pushback people have against people you meet online and highlight some of the benefits of online friendship, from global perspectives to professional support.
At the end of the day, true connection isn't about where it started or how it's maintained. It's about how we are showing up for each other and supporting each other, whether that’s across the dinner table or across the world.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How many of my current friendships started online, including podcast guests like Alex Friedman and Wesley StroupeWhere online friendships can form (business groups, social media, virtual reality forums, etc.) and how to maintain them (Zoom, Facetime, Marco Polo, social media)Finding niche friends online – for example, many of my professional friendships were formed in the digital space – and gaining global perspectives from themCommon concerns about online friendships: Will they fizzle out? Are they surface-level? Who actually IS this person from the internet?Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 25 with Patrice Poltzer, Episode 48 with Michelle Reichman, Episode 72 with Wesley Stroop, Episode 44 with Deasha Waddup, and Episodes 5 and 7 with Alex Friedman.
Also be sure to listen to Episode 128 about parasocial relationships!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Manglende episoder?
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The term ‘parasocial relationship’ was coined in the 1950s by American sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl to describe how people connected with TV personalities at the time.
Today, parasocial relationships have expanded to include celebrities, influencers, athletes – even podcast hosts! Social media in particular has taken parasocial relationships to a new level; it blows my mind how much I know about some people I’ve never met.
In this episode, I talk all about the parasocial phenomenon: the positive and negative attributes to parasocial relationships, why we reach for them, and how they’re impacting our real (two-sided) connections.
Parasocial relationships aren't inherently good or bad. They're just part of modern reality. They’re not going anywhere. So instead of judging them, maybe it’s time we get intentional about them. How can we use parasocial connections as a bridge to community rather than replacement for it?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Stats to consider: 51 percent of Americans have parasocial relationships but only 16 percent actually acknowledge they’re in oneHow social media changed parasocial relationships, giving us more behind-the-scene access and real-time updates about the people we followThe emotional energy we invest in parasocial relationships and how they can impact real-life friendships, causing relationship distortionHow parasocial relationships can fill emotional needs, reduce stigma, provide behavioral modeling, and form communities in marginalized groupsResources & Links
Listen to Episode 104 with Sharon Walters about how to get less passive and more active on podcasts and social media; Episode 91, about how to stop dreading parties and take charge of your guest experience; Episode 38 and Episode 39, about third places; and Episode 127, which is about calling your friends.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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When was the last time you just called a friend because you wanted to talk?
We carry these super computers in our pockets, but sometimes, using them to stay in touch feels more complicated than ever. There are some people we can ring spontaneously. Others require multiple rounds of scheduling.
This episode is about the gap between wanting to stay connected and actually doing it. Today’s guest Mark Houghton, doesn’t just relate to this problem; he decided to solve it by creating the SoonCall app, which tracks connections and reminds you when it’s time to reach out.
Here, Mark and I dive into the complexities of staying in touch. What I love most about our conversation? Mark has normalized something we’ve all been feeling guilty about: the mental load of maintaining modern friendships, and how some of us need a little extra help.
Intrigued by SoonCall? Mark has created a special offer for Friendship IRL listeners with six months of free access to SoonCall pro.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How the SoonCall app was created out of Mark’s own personal need to manage long-distance friendshipsFeatures of SoonCall, from tracking calls to reminding us of birthdays and important datesHaving open conversations with our friends about how they feel about different kinds of connection, including spontaneous callsUsing SoonCall and other tools as ways to support (not replace!) personal interactionsThe exclusive SoonCall offer for Friendship IRL listeners: six months of free access to SoonCall ProResources & Links
More on friendship goals: listen to Episode 23, where I talked about my personal friendship goals, or Episode 60, where I dive into why friendship goals matter and how to make them.
Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Sometimes friendship can be a powerful force for social and political change.
This is according to today’s guest, Priya Vulchi, author of the newly-released (and AMAZING!) Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World, which offers a resounding cry that friendship is vital, not just for individual well-being, but for humanity itself.
Priya is the co-founder of the nonprofit, Choose; was the youngest TED resident ever; has been published in places like The New York Times and Time Magazine; and is pursuing her Ph.D. in African and African American Studies at Harvard as a presidential scholar.
In other words, she knows what she’s talking about. But here’s why I’m excited about this conversation: we talk about how real authentic friendship is actually RADICAL and can change the world, challenging the status quo and causing people to care about issues simply because they impact the people they love.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Aristotle's three types of friendship – utility, pleasure, and virtue – and how these definitions still apply todayHow friendship challenges capitalistic models of overconsumption and self-reliance by relying on friends for favors instead of Uber or Amazon How friendship can be political, requiring people to challenge their self-interests and deepen relationshipsThe concept of heteros, or political friendship, and how it is as important as philia, or friendship of virtue; plus, the importance of joy in friendshipsResources & Links
Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Have you ever stopped to think about what connection actually IS? How do you define the multi-faceted thing that we talk about all the time on this podcast?
That’s what our guest, Dr. Adam Dorsay, is tasked with in this episode.
Dr. Dorsay is a licensed psychologist, executive coach to high-achieving adults in Silicon Valley, host of the award-winning podcast, Super Psyched, and presenter of two amazing TEDx Talks. Today he discusses his new book, Super Psyched: Unleash The Power of the Four Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love (which I highly recommend).
This interview was so inspiring to me; I think the two of us could have talked for days. One of my biggest personal takeaways is to pay attention to not just my connection with others, but also my connection to the world and to something greater.
Listen in as we discuss the four types of connection and how to find the right combination for ourselves. Spoiler alert – it’s not a one-size-fits-all.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What connection is – Dr. Dorsay defines it as an emotional internal response – and the four different typesAnecdotes and practical tips to enhance connection, such as using a "driveway test" to evaluate interactions and employing a "walk-on song" to boost confidenceThe importance of self-connection – including self-awareness and self-love – which is the foundation of all other connectionsSocietal pressure to appear cool and how it can hinder genuine connection (and why we should allow ourselves to experience awe and excitement instead)Alexithymia, the spotlight effect, plus, how we psyche ourselves up for small talkResources & Links
Read Super Psyched by Adam Dorsay, listen to his TEDx Talks, and listen to his podcast, Super Psyched.
Check out Dr. Adam Dorsey's book "Super Psyched" and his TEDx talks for further insights on connection.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Who in your life are you most consistently connected to? Is it a partner? A roommate? A friend, sibling, or parent?
Now tell me this: when was the last time you wanted to lean into an interest, and you automatically asked this particular person to join … even though it wasn’t their thing?
I call this the “easy ask,” and I think it’s a universal experience. I came up with the term years ago when I asked my partner Michael to go shopping with me, even though he doesn’t enjoy shopping. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t want to go.)
There are times when the easy ask is okay, and there are times when you should work a little harder to find a more suitable person to join – or just go about it alone.
I hope this episode gets you thinking: Where in your life are you making the easy ask? And what is the impact of this in your experiences and your relationships?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How the "easy ask" often stems from convenience and familiarity, rather than a genuine desire for the experienceTimes when the easy ask makes sense, like when you need help with certain tasks or when that person has expressed interestHidden costs of the easy ask, from strained relationships to missing out on opportunities to connect with friends who’d actually enjoy this activityWhy it benefits to choose the less convenient but more meaningful connection over the easy optionResources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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A few months ago, I made a professional connection, and the energy felt good.
As we neared the end of our working relationship, I realized I didn’t want this connection to end – but there was no logical way for us to get together. We weren’t in the same industry. I didn’t know if we had overlapping hobbies.
The whole situation got me thinking about this weird gray zone we sometimes find ourselves in when we can’t rely on proximity to make friends. It can be awkward … almost like dating! But unlike dating, friendship expectations can be unclear. Will this be a close friend? Or an acquaintance? What do you actually want to come out of this connection?
There will probably always be uncomfortable moments in new friendships. But I believe that if we talk about it, then hopefully we can accept that this is a normal part of the process and keep pushing forward.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The gray zone of making new friends and the importance of proximity and consistencyVulnerabilities in starting new friendships, including admitting we want to hang out with this person againThe tendency to overthink messages and interactions, and how sometimes making new friends is like starting a new exercise routinePushing through the discomfort of “friend dating” and navigating things like health restrictions in social settingsResources & Links:
Check out the roots framework as featured in Episode 12.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Do you ever think about how one small act of kindness can literally change the direction of someone's life? What if YOU could cause that turning point?
Today I’m sitting with Bryan Driscoll, author of The Goodness Game, who took an act of kindness he received 20 years ago in Orlando and, with the help of a Craigslist ad, paid it forward in a way that made national headlines and enormous ripple effects.
What I love most about this conversation? He shows it’s not about trying to change the world overnight. It's about the small choices we make every day, and the consequent ripples that touch not just the people we help, but also their friends, and their friends of friends.
If you've ever wondered if those small acts of kindness really matter, or if you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed by all the negativity in the world, this episode is for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Bryan’s journey on a Greyhound bus to Florida and the kindness of several strangers who helped him find a place to stay (and one woman who let him stay in her house!)Social trust: what it is (essentially, our faith in strangers), its historical significance, and its decline in modern societyThe importance of curiosity and discomfort in driving positive change and the potential for small acts to create significant ripplesHow to use concepts from The Goodness Game, including “giving without remembering,” honing in on your helper style, and making acts of kindness enjoyableResources & Links:
Buy The Goodness Game by Bryan Driscoll and visit goodnessgame.com.
And here’s some more information about the study on social trust that was mentioned in this episode.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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There are endless ways to make friends as an adult, and today we’re diving into one I have never covered before: speed friending.
To some of you, this will sound terrifying at first, but stick with me, because it’s actually pretty brilliant! Today’s guest is Georgia Huntley, founder of Friends of Friends, who is doing something really special in the friendship space.
Georgia hosts speed friending events that are designed to make meeting new people feel fun and effortless. In today's episode, we’ll cover what actually happens at these events and what to do if you're sitting there thinking this sounds terrifying.
Her advice if you ever attend an event like this? Take some pressure off and practice the art of being both interested and interesting. Have a little fun, learn something new, and approach your experience with curiosity. (Which is also great advice for making friends in general!)
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The origin of Friends of Friends, which started as an online community and evolved into in-person events (its third iteration had 85 people!)The bar that asked Georgia to host a speed-friending event because staff noticed people weren’t socializing inside like they used toThird places, how they’re disappearing, and what impact this has on making friendships as an adultThe setup of a typical speed friending event, why they have been so effective, and how you might mimic something similar where you areAdvice on how to attend an event like this, from being curious to taking pressure offResources & Links
Follow Georgia on Instagram!.
Listen to Episodes 38 and 39, which go deep into third places.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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During the pandemic, like many others, I felt politically charged, and I channeled this energy into being an online warrior.
On social media, I reposted it all, making it clear where I stood – only to realize this wasn’t my highest use. I wasn’t actually reading the books or taking the actions. I wondered: what could I do instead? That’s how I ended up here.
Real community requires something most Americans are terrified of, which is compromise. It requires letting go of the “all-or-nothing” mindset and finding common ground. It means being willing to give up some of our freedoms for real security and support.
Today I share some of my political beliefs and what I’ve been doing instead of being an “online warrior.” I’m not saying this is how you should show up. It’s just how I do. At the core of it all, my fundamental belief is this: as humans, we need to care more about each other.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
My own political beliefs regarding religion, gun reform, human rights, climate change, marriage equality, church-state separation, human services programs, etc.Pitfalls of simply reposting political content without taking action and the importance of having meaningful conversationsThe danger of polarization and the “all-or-nothing” mindset and the importance of finding common ground to foster understanding and connectionThe power of small shifts, plus three things I’m doing in my everyday life instead of being the online warriorResources & Links
Read the book I quote in this episode, Democracy in Retrograde by Sami Sage and Emily Amick.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Are you enjoying your friendships? Are you able to be present with your people and soak up your time together?
So often, people focus on what’s missing in their friendships. They have this idea of what “peak” friendship might look like, which gets in the way of being grateful for what is there.
I’m here to remind you that there is a stark contrast between HAVING connections and ENJOYING them. And this isn’t just regarding our closest friends: how grateful are you for the acquaintance at the coffee shop? For your child’s teacher, your hair stylist, or the people you work with?
Today I talk about what might be getting in the way of your enjoyment, and I offer tips on how to be more present and happy while with friends.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Mental chatter and the fear of being “too much” or “not worthy,” and how this limits enjoyment in our friendshipsFriendship baggage, anxiety about the future, and working on receiving connection, even just small gestures from community membersThe present distractions that get in the way of enjoying friendships (mostly, it’s the phones)The idea of “storing up connection for later” and multitasking during friend time – and why this doesn’t always workResources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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One of you asked me an amazing question the other day:
If you could tell your younger self one thing about friendship, what would you tell her?
I spend so much time thinking about community and connection – probably much more than the average person – and I have learned a lot since my youth. Some realizations I’m having at 35 are realizations a lot of people might not have until they’re middle aged.
No matter your age, there are likely things you wish you could go back and tell younger you. We are always growing and changing as friends. We are always learning.
In today's episode, I’ll cover what I've learned about choosing friends, being a friend, and friendship transitions – plus some final advice I would give younger me.
Now that I’ve shared my thoughts, tell me: what would you tell your younger self? Send me a message on Instagram!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What I did a good job with in my younger friendships, including building community, choosing friends well, and not letting status quo drive friendshipsThe constant need I had to be worthy of friendships and how this affected my behavior and relationshipsThe inevitable heartbreak in friendships (especially one-sided friendships) and the importance of feeling that heartbreak and moving past itThe value of working on communication skills to improve friendships and learning from every interactionHow what a “good friend” is changes through every life transition, from middle school to college and beyondResources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Do you ever drive past a former friend’s house and find yourself flooded with memories?
Suddenly, you start thinking: what would it be like if you still talked? Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought, but maybe this thought really stings. As much as we like to think of certain friendships being “done,” it’s never really the case.
Today’s episode is about the friendship that got away. What causes us to become less close? Why do some friendships stay with us? How do you know if you should keep trying? When should you let it go?
There are so many lessons you learn from a friendship, so even if it ended, it’s not a failure. It helped you grow into the person you are, and it is going to be worthwhile in the community you are creating and investing in.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The friendship fade, and why this happens (see my Roots framework): life changes, and responsibilities lead to a driftWhen paths diverge, it requires work to build new friendship roots; for example, when my friends started having kids, we needed to find new ways to spend time togetherHow hard it can be to separate the past from the present and the nostalgia associated with past friendhipsWhat you should ask yourself if you’re looking to reconnect with an old friend, and the importance of letting yourself grieve if you decide to let it goResources & Links
See my Roots framework, and listen to last week’s Episode 114, about the friendship guilt spiral, Episode 115, about pet peeves, and Episode 25 about friendship break-ups.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Everyone’s allowed to have pet peeves. It’s normal and bound to happen.
In this episode, I talk about common pet peeves; my friends’ pet peeves; and my own pet peeves. Do you ignore them? Deal with them? (Also, how DO you deal with them?)
Some people say to write off friends whose tendencies are driving you crazy. My thought: it’s a lot of work to make new friends! What if we instead navigated that conflict and created a feedback culture in our friendships?
These confrontations don’t have to be big blow-outs. In fact, I hope they’re not; I hope you get to them before they reach that point.
Like with most things, there is no overarching solution. It’s acceptable to be annoyed with your friends, and it’s also acceptable to give feedback and work through it, because that’s how friendships grow.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The idea for this episode (and where ideas for this show come from); I promise, I am not actively angry with any of my friends right now!Common pet peeves, from phone-interrupted conversations and last-minute cancels to the friend who always tries to fix itHow I’ve addressed my own pet peeves and discovered my friends’ pet peeves by paying attention to subtle feedbackAddressing pet peeves BEFORE they become major issues and how to give feedback in a thoughtful and non-accusatory mannerGetting to the root cause of the frustration and giving friends time to reflect on the feedback – and know that initial reactions might be defensiveResources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Recently, I left a text message from a friend unanswered for ten days.
It’s not something I’m proud of. All I needed to do was respond to this friend, but the more time that passed, the more it felt like a bigger response was needed.
For ten days, I woke up, knowing I needed to respond to this text message, feeling worse and worse. Then, yesterday, I told myself, if there is one thing I do today, it is respond to this text message, because I can’t carry this guilt on my shoulders anymore.
Today’s episode is about the phenomenon of the friendship guilt spiral. It happens when we don’t act in the way we think we should act, and it turns into an enormous weight we carry. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do have some tips for dealing with it.
Most important is to remember that we are all human, and friendship guilt spirals happen! Give yourself some grace. Your friend will probably understand.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The friendship guilt spiral: when we don’t act the way we think we should to a friend which results in escalating feelings of guilt Special occasion fails – for example, when I tried to make up for missing my friend’s wedding by planning a celebration, which never materializedPressure to be the "perfect friend" and the guilt that comes with not meeting those expectationsHow acknowledging and addressing the guilt (and also starting small!) can keep it from escalating out of controlResources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Have you ever had to FIGHT somebody in order to help them?
I’ll bet we all have that friend who meets you with resistance when you offer to show up for them. “It’s too much,” they tell you – even if it’s no trouble at all.
Today, we continue our conversation about giving and receiving support with Laura Malcolm, the founder and CEO of Give InKind, a one-stop social support platform where you can organize all you might need to help somebody: meals, rides, GoFundMe updates, you name it.
Laura shares her beautiful story about how she created Give InKind and how she sees people utilizing the service today. Some use it to organize care for a family going through pediatric cancer; others use it to plan whose turn it is to call Grandma.
One of the most important things we cover is that we are ALL worthy of support, no matter our socioeconomic status, no matter how “not bad” we have it. Because honestly, it’s not always about the help itself – it’s also about the gesture, making us feel connected and cared for.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Give InKind, a one-stop-shop for helping friends and family in hard situations, with places to organize meal trains, grocery store trips, pet sitting, wish lists, etc.The idea for the service, which came about when Laura and her husband lost their first child to stillbirth and her coworkers set up a meal train for themRing Theory, the vulnerability it takes to give/receive support, plus, what people were asking for on Give InKind that threw Laura off guardWhy part of support is about connection and the act itself – no socioeconomic status is more or less deserving, and you don’t need to be in an emergency to receive careResources & Links
Want more on giving and receiving support? See Episode 112 and Episode 113. Be sure to check out Give InKind and the Ring Theory I mentioned in this episode.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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I used to love being the “strong friend.” For awhile, it was a large part of my identity, and I’d brag about dropping anything to help a friend in need.
In retrospect, it’s easy to see how being the “strong friend” came naturally to me. I had a complex, traumatic childhood, and as the eldest daughter, I became a caregiver at a very young age and dealt with a lot of unpredictable circumstances.
At school, I put myself in leadership positions where at the end of the day, the buck stopped with me, from becoming class president to varsity coxswain on the rowing team. But over time, it became clear this title – the “strong friend” – came at a cost.
That’s what today’s episode is about: the costs of being the “strong friend,” and how I eventually was able to remove myself from this role (which had its own costs). If you’ve ever played this role, I hope this episode gives you permission to make small shifts to lighten your load. I promise, those changes do add up over time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How being the “strong friend” actually denied other people in my life the chance to show up for me and for each otherThe unsustainable patterns this dynamic created, going from one grand gesture to the next, and how this impacted school, work, and my partnership with MichaelChoosing gestures that are actually not disruptive – for us, it’s company – vs. disruptive, like taking time off work to stay with somebodyHow I shifted some of these patterns, including learning to build bridges instead of boundaries
Resources & LinksListen to Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing patterns and to Episode 112 about breaking the ways we show up into phases.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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At the time this episode airs, there are devastating wildfires in Los Angeles – and yet, I’ve seen some beautiful levels of response. When something bad happens, whether to one person or an entire community, people want to help.
Consequently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how people show up for one another. In a world where so many feel disconnected, helping someone else is a way to feel less alone.
Today’s episode is about how to be there for people during a loss. These ideas are applicable to anybody experiencing a tragedy, from losing their home to losing a loved one.
There is no perfect way to show up. Stop putting that pressure on yourself and be okay with the fact you’re probably going to make mistakes. If you’re in the middle of supporting someone now, know that you’re doing matters. Keep being brave enough to show up.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Being okay with discomfort and the fact that you can’t fix what’s happening to somebody – but you can provide support for themLooking at immediate needs first: do they have physical shelter, food, water, or clothing? Do they need a place to sleep for the night?My own personal experience receiving help after losing my mom at age 13 – plus, the realities of freeze stateThe value of specific offers, doing what you’re naturally good at, and coordinating with others via existing networksDos and don’ts when it comes to supporting people going through hard times (for example, DON’T try to force silver linings; DO validate their feelings)Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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Think of a space you feel completely comfortable in that’s not your own home.
For me, it’s my grandparents’ house. I can easily picture their front porch, where my grandmother waited for us; the table we played cards at; and the garden, where I spent hours talking to them while picking green beans.
We’ve been trained by the internet to believe superficial details – like a perfectly styled coffee table or matching throw pillows – are what people remember about our homes. Consequently, many have anxiety hosting because their homes don’t look Instagram-ready
But the houses we see online are designed to be in magazines. They’re not real. Most people’s homes are messy and imperfect, which in a way makes them friendlier places to be. It’s not the aesthetic that makes them comfortable; it’s the memories made there with people.
So consider this your permission to host imperfectly, and to focus not curating space, but instead, on being present and holding space.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The bizarre age we live in, where we are inundated with perfect images of home from the internet, which is skewing our perception of what guests are looking forThe comfort of imperfection – sometimes it’s nice to know it’s not just you whose living room is cluttered or whose freezer contains mangoes instead of ice!Rewiring our brains to focus on holding space vs. curating space (and why sometimes holding space is actually harder)What people are actually craving in a gathering: real connection, and to feel safe, comfortable, seen, and lovedResources & Links
Listen to Episode 6 about hosting and see some of my other free resources. Listen to Episode 38 and Episode 39 about third places and Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
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