Episoder
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A new dawn has broken, has it not… well something like that. Giles and Esther channel their inner Nostradamus to predict last night’s results. If, as assumed Sir Keir becomes PM, what does it mean for his family? Giles considers penning an ode to Kentish Town and all that the Starmers will leave behind.
As Sir Keir awaits his big result, Giles is waiting for his own important phone call, but its from the NHS so who knows when it will come, today, tomorrow…never.
Rumours abound of very underhand tactics being planned within the parental whats app groups of certain private schools. Will it be enough to change Labour policy?
Amidst the big news a smaller but perhaps more meaningful event, the closing of a chapter in the Coren household. When dealing with the emotional toll of children growing up, who better to turn to than A. A. Milne or F. Scott Fitzgerald?
Finally, women are better at espionage than men…how else did Dame Judi make it to be head of MI6..?
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Giles is feeling bright and breezy, and it’s all thanks to Ether. For once he took her advice and tried the latest ‘wonder drug’ Naltrexone. What would have otherwise been a night of drunken excess instead turned into a night of charitable excess. He is a convert. Sadly, neither he nor Esther have made any money out of their pharmaceutical evangelism.
Keir Starmer has exposed the latest ‘get out of jail free card’ for those in public life: ”I’m changing it from the inside.” Seeing it for the cop out that it is they wonder what else could be changed from the inside...?
If one wished to be pale, male and stale, how would one go about it? Giles has all the tips you’ll need. Esther indulges her love of low-level pettiness and offers it to the listeners for those who share her joy of pointless tiny battles.
Finally, a look at the spat between David Tennant and Kemi Badenoch and the effects of success guilt.
** The ambient sounds were out in force this week, with the doors open on a very hot day we had the sound of local children, a workman using an angle grinder and as always, the birds.
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Manglende episoder?
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In response to a survey suggesting people are turning away from the news Giles and Esther pander to the masses and happily look past the obvious headlines.
Who or what constitutes a working man? As the blue and red parties scabble to attract anyone who earns a living Giles is temporarily bewitched by the endless tax breaks on offer from the Reform party. His conscience kicks in but with his new found knowledge of the candidates he does a ‘who said what’ quiz for Esther.
Little House on the Prairie - an idyllic serene country existence…? Not so fast! If you survive the warring factions on the plain and the syphilis you’ve still got to fight off the cowboys. Perhaps not the best example of the past to offer to children. Giles and Esther consider some better examples, and more pertinent advice for the young people of today.
Lastly, could it really be true that privately educated children are thinner in middle age than their state educated counter parts? Of course not, Esther is suitably exasperated.
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Esther is front page news after writing about a drug which helps with alcoholism…unusually she hasn’t just written about naltrexone, she’s tried it. It leads to a discussion about the results of alcohol abuse within different economic groups. As ever the Germans are ahead of the game, they’ve decided to only sell England football fans low alcohol beer.
Rishi Sunak has once again shown his gift for the uncommon touch; Giles thinks he shouldn’t be let lose without a minder.
What is the point of going to university? Giles and Esther disagree, but both can see the endless benefits of going to boarding school.
Bring back kids TV, so says Russel T Davis. Esther likes the idea but what would one bring back, TISWAS, Swap Shop or Going Live?
Finally, as protests sweep the nation Giles has a cunning idea, a protest against his own podcast…
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Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry.
No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…?
The debate slid to one side Esther and Giles consider a throbbing question; What are the most annoying ‘corporate speak’ phrases? Low hanging fruit, blue sky thinking…? Whichever it is, Giles and Esther are about to smut them up for you.
Esther thinks Giles has a big one, Giles thinks it is actually quite small, certainly not as big as Fergie’s. Thank goodness the late Queen Elizabeth insisted Fergie parade hers in public…
After all the saucy talk Esther needs a stiff drink…but not on a plane.
Finally, its back to the election as Rishi Sunak enlists Tom Cruise into his campaign team…
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Giles and Esther are away this week. In their absence here is a short collection of recent highlights.
Giles faces a late fitness test. Esther takes the AA road quiz. And why won't flying taxis go south of the river...?
Hope you enjoy them. Please do like and share and we’ll see you next week.
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** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone.
Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film ‘Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ as the best of all time, unlike his current project – Horizon: chapter one.
In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a gripping drama about a snap election, an assassination and an ageing dad being called up to save the ashes.
A new sex themed Italian restaurant has opened in Milan, Giles does not want to know what the specials are!
Despite the recent tragic events statistically air travel is still very safe…just don’t board a plane built by the NHS and run by the Post Office. Whatever the plane, the 'Campden People’s Theatre' will be flying first class, but they’d love to mix with those in the cheap seats…
Finally, it’s time to prepare! Never mind the election we’re talking pandemics, learn from lock down - more pasta and hummus, less toilet roll.
If you’re wondering what the pitter patter in the background is, that’ll be the rain.
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Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents.
Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first.
A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours…? How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly…?
Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acorns…
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The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentleman’s club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother.
A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM Keir Starmer.
Brexit makes an unwelcome return as the fall guy for a bad opening night. Esther has sympathy but Giles smells a Gallic rat.
Finally, Esther stumbles upon the unforeseen consequences of automatic only driving tests…doom in a post-apocalyptic world. But does it make her sad...?
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The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?
Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied “Get te f**k!” It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail.
Bland, over processed and will do you no good – Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point.
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Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up one’s autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy there…let’s ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas.
Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. That’s what John Cleese is paying for stem cell therapy. But why worry, what of the crows of the air, they do not sow or reap…perhaps because they are to preoccupied with the ‘Tokyo crow controller’…
Lastly, what makes a good friendship…Giles doesn’t care he’s too busy picking up crisp packets.
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Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content.
Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, they’re flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitchen gadget…
They take a look at the most expensive streets to live in the UK - none of which have flags in the front garden - and compare them to their own ends.
Saving the best till last Giles and Esther try to identify the twenty-one sexuality and gender flags on display at a hospital reception in the midlands. Giles can’t find his flag, and he is worried about members of the Royal Navy. Finally, he stumbles upon an idea which he sends up his flagpole to see if it gets a salute…
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Britain was made great by arseholes; MP’s thinking about porn and national stereotypes.
It’s a very slow news week. Lacking stimulation Giles and Esther turn to pornography and the MP’s who are worrying about its effect on sex education. Inspired, Giles decides he can write a piece in praise of ‘the arsehole’ – they have a game of “good arsehole, bad arsehole” and speculate on the nature of Sacha Baron Cohen’s arsehole-ness.
Fully expecting to face justice for their crimes against good taste Giles and Esther consider the potential end to the trial by jury system. In its place…trail by ordeal. Their punishment; to spend eternity gazing at an awful sculpture of a moustachioed plumber.
Finally, an Italian, an Aussie and a Swede walk into a sauna...
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The new Bond, MP’s presenting TV programmes, Giles is a Gorilla and Ewan McGregor’s…acting skills.
Giles is very excited by the latest actor being linked with the role of James Bond, he feels sure he has some useful tips for the scrip writers – a Volvo car, a fussy mother, and some anti-allergy pillows.
Elsewhere, what would the BBC advertise if they could… waterproof pants or Stormzy’s latest album? Giles is preoccupied with the effect gravity is having on Ewan McGregor’s acting career. And Esther and Giles believe in the benefits of fasting, they have a gut feeling it’s a good thing. Sadly, recent research may disagree, they turn to Love Island contestant Auto Phagya for help.
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Giles has gone down the RAC rabbit hole, and to his delight it is providing him with an endless stream of evidence proving that he is, surprise surprise… an excellent driver. Not content with that he decides to quiz Esther on some of the most common driving myths, thus proving that she is not an excellent driver. You be the judge as to the veracity of his conclusions.
In a column that writes itself the ONS’s inflation basket gets a makeover for centrist dads, boomers, and millennials. Finally, Esther nails her colours to the mast – what is the point of university..?
** Mansfield College does in fact have college status, granted in 1995.
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Peter Mandelson thinks Keir Starmer "needs to shed a few pounds". And Giles, always the friendly neighbour, thinks he can help his local MP look his dashing best on camera. What should he wear, where should he stand, and who should he stand next to? You're welcome Sir Keir - a future invite to Chequers is surely inevitable...
Plus, it's International Women's Day. So what better way to celebrate than writing about what International Men's Day would look like? And while in the safe confines of podcast land, Giles asks Esther about whether she's scared of the menopause.
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Following last week’s comments about the Israel Gaza conflict, Giles had a visit to a local synagogue to navigate. It turned out the Rabbi may have been more famous than he is, but Giles did his aunt proud – shepping nachas!
Looking for a diversion, Giles and Esther watched a documentary on ‘Bennifer’ - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez…it was quite a disappointment. Their version of a great love story has more in common with the Twits, things get out of hand when they list their pet peeves.
Staying with America, Peppa Pig is spreading the English accent across the Atlantic. Neither are fans of the pink oinker, or of world book day as it turns out. Finally, some wet nappies tie the whole thing together, sort of.
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It’s a challenging and thoughtful episode this week. Giles has changed his opinion on the Israel Gaza conflict. He reflects on the time since he last spoke and wrote about it back in October; his final comments then proved depressingly accurate. Esther is caught off guard when discussing the fate of Russian dissident Alexei Navalny. Thereafter, all other subjects seem to be ‘tap dancing’ around the edges, but nevertheless men’s jewellery leads to an amusing insight into Esther and Giles respective sex lives at university…
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VAT on school fees offers Giles and Esther the chance to consider the effects of a deluge of public-school children into the state system. Should it come to pass there will be a familiar cast of winners and losers. A pressing question; how should one dress when out in Mayfair? As shabbily as possible it seems, with good reason, oh and don’t wear a watch.
After the break the Kings cancer diagnoses stirs some emotional memories, but nothing to be exploited. In lighter news it turns out that Orcas are not lost at sea and the French are having less sex, whilst the English are making eyes at their pets...
**For those, like me, unsure of the meaning of a ‘mufti day’ it is a non-uniform day at school
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Gwyneth Paltrow is…furious. Thankfully Gwyn has a unique way to unleash her anger. As a man used to losing his temper Giles feels he can give her some tips.
Esther and Giles have been mixing in rarefied circles, but they don’t like to talk about it…much. In an exclusive just for the podcast they give a little glimpse into the life of grace and favour.
Lean, fearful children, vain rats and a sexy Jesus pave the way for Rishi Sunak and advice on fasting. Sadly, they never did make it to Marcus Rashford or soft drink sommeliers…maybe next time.
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