Episoder
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See you next year, Hayeselnuts!
Hello Hayes survey: https://forms.gle/Jtv2BKr2Wafy75gh6
In the meantime, connect with me on Substack, YouTube, and Instagram.
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In this episode of Hello Hayes, we're talking about long distance friendship: how to make friends when you move somewhere new, but also, how to maintain the friendships that are now separated by miles and miles and miles. Hayes invites one of her North Star besties Matt onto the show to discuss.
References:
Dear Noah: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfAzhnguXBc
00:00 Cold open
00:42 Topic intro: Long-distance Friendships
2:23 Meet Matt
4:43 Our first impressions of each other
10:03 Be each other’s biggest fans
12:14 Making friends in a new city
16:43 Scoping people out on Instagram
18:25 The risk of rejection
21:50 How to go from self-pity to action
23:30 20s vs 30s & NYC vs Chicago
24:53 “Do I want to quit?”
26:26 Nostalgia vs regret
28:17 It’s OK to be sad
31:53 Hayes and NYC
33:07 Getting honest about our LDF
35:40 “Is it my fault?”
36:25 Having trust in your friendships
38:00 Inside Out 2
40:10 What happened on Hayes’s birthday
43:00 The challenges of long distance friendship
47:00 It’s hard to say THIS
48:11 Feeling pressure to check-in
50:00 Team Voicemails
54:00 A secret
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[Watch on YouTube.] This week on Hello Hayes, we're talking about flaky friends. Hayes answers three advice submissions about a distant childhood friend, feeling disconnected from your single besties, and how to deal with someone who always cancels.
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(Watch on YouTube.) This week on Hello Hayes, I'm answering an advice letter....from myself. After experiencing what I call a "grief explosion" last week, I needed to give myself some advice. Thanks for being here while I talk it out with you. Crying is OK. Grieving is OK. Trying new things is OK. Planning to protect yourself...is OK!!! Please let me know what you thought of this episode. If it goes well for all of us, I might incorporate more of these "solo" episodes in the future.
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Content warning: Letter 2 includes a brief reference to SA, no details. It’s not the focus of the letter, but I do bring up the context of being a survivor. If this makes you uncomfortable, see the timestamps below to skip.
This week on Hello Hayes, Hayes answers three advice submissions about how to balance two people's physical needs in a romantic relationship, advocating for our needs and fantasies in bed, and whether it's okay to talk to your friends about your sex life. (PS: If you have any personal experiences to share about asexuality, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and/or open relationships, please tell us in the comments! This is a very nuanced conversation and I realize I'm just scratching a surface in the first letter. Would love to hear from all of you and keep the convo going.)
00:00 Introduction
00:36 Talking about sex
02:44 “What will make us satisfied?”
07:51 What is asexuality?
10:17 Compromise is necessary
13:49 Define intimacy as a couple
18:39 Ethical non-monogamy
26:45 “I want more adventurous $ex"
29:06 Speaking up for what you want
31:16 Unpacking expectations
33:57 Taking the lead & communicating
38:13 Contextualizing being a survivor
40:52 When to bring it up
43:21 “Can I talk to a friend about my relationship?”
44:31 Sharing experiences individually
49:18 Trust in a confidant
51:14 Proceed with caution
The Trevor Project is a great source of information and support for the LGBTQ+ community. Website here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org
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[Watch on YouTube.]
In this episode, Hayes answers three letters from women who feel like they (and their feelings, boundaries, and bodies) are too much. We explore the question: is it selfish...or is it self-worth? Letter one features a man who insists on being besties with his exes. Letter two, from someone whose boyfriend told her he's losing attraction towards her because of her weight gain. (If you're uncomfortable with the topic of weight, feel free to skip to letter 2. Timestamp in the description!) And letter three is from a soon-to-be 21-year old whose boyfriend...doesn't "get" birthdays. Enjoy!
00:00 Introduction
00:25 The question of being “too much”
02:55 Overview of the 3 letters
03:56 Empathy and expectations for letter writers
06:54 Letter 1: “Not so chill girlfriend”
09:06 Having a reaction making you “not chill”
11:12 Unpacking the boyfriend details
17:32 Insecurities vs something to be insecure about
28:56 Letter 2: “Body size and attraction”
29:54 Angry about perceptions of weight
31:36 You are desirable
35:57 Coming back with better tools
37:50 Referencing “Fatphobia Is Not A Sexual Preference by Sonalee Rashatwar”
39:44 Reality of body changes
42:33 Sample script
44:55 Letter 3: “Birthday ‘brat’”
46:51 Being celebrated & celebrating others
49:26 Expectations and flexibility
52:14 Storytime when my birthday was ruined by a man
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In this episode, Hayes is joined by recipe developer, food creator, and soon to be debut cookbook author Justine Doiron, aka Justine Snacks. For the first time on the show, Justine brings her own Hello Hayes letter to discuss with Hayes, focused on some of the pressures she feels around the success and promotion for her cookbook Justine Cooks. We also talk about dealing with imposter syndrome in our careers, what happens when self-worth is too tied up in accomplishment, and whether "authenticity" on the internet is desired or even real anymore. At the end, Justine gives Hayes some tough-love advice she really needed to hear. Enjoy!
Pre-order Justine's cookbook Justine Cooks here (Out 10/27).
Follow Justine on Instagram here.
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Hello! In today's episode, which is an audio exclusive, I'm reading three columns from the Hello Hayes archive...a read aloud, if you will!
These pieces can all be read in their original form on my Substack, hellohayes.substack.com. This is where my writing lives and where you can support Hello Hayes financially, if you're able. Paid subscribers get a priority pass on submissions!
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In today’s episode we’re talking about something that has one of the biggest impacts on our mental well-being, whether we’re happy or distressed….and that’s our living situations. Thinking back on my own life, some of the most tumultuous times for me were exacerbated by the fact that I was living in places I didn’t feel comfortable in. Whether it was living in my sorority, or trying to figure out how to live alone for the first time, wanting to move in with Brian. Stressful.
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In honor of our anniversary, Brob joins the pod to talk about 10 lessons we've learned over 10 years together. He's a little camera shy but I think he did great :)
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(Watch this episode on YouTube.)
Today’s episode is all about the thrilling yet sometimes messy and confusing world of crushes. We’ve got three letters:
"I have a pattern of falling for people who are unavailable. Should I tell my new friend that I have a crush on her, even though she's in a longterm relationship?"
"I told my coworker I had feelings for him. I think he has feelings for me too but...he has a girlfriend."
"I'm engaged to my boyfriend of 7 years, but I have a relentless crush on someone new. Should I still get married?"
Send your letters to [email protected].
0:00 What to expect in this video
00:47 This week’s letters
1:22 Letter 1: “Can I be friends with my crush?”
2:50 Response to Letter 1 begins
4:43 How we use B&W thinking to protect ourselves
9:00 Failure is not regression
12:21 Script: “We can’t be friends”
13:02 Letter 2: “I’m in love with my co-worker”
14:45 Response to Letter 2 begins
15:55 What’s spiking my Hayesy senses
18:30 Stop hoping he’s going to change
20:59 Finding the love you deserve
21:31 Letter 3: “I’m not sure I want to marry my fiance”
22:43 Response begins
24:45 Pros of couple therapy
25:41 Hayes’s thoughts on “forever”
27:25 “Relationships are hard”
28:00 What your crush means
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What do you do when you're invited to an event with a plus one...but you have no one to bring? Is it better to go alone or to bring a friend? On this week’s episode of the Hello Hayes podcast we’re chatting going to events solo, finding confidence in yourself, and doing the hard thing because you can. I also share the story of how I embarrassed myself in front of my work hero a couple of weeks ago...and how I'm reframing it so I don't obsess about this any further!
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Watch on YouTube. (9am EST)
0:00 - Introduction
1:04 - Overview of the 3 letters
1:46 - Letter 1: Estranged from family
3:50 - Response to letter 1 begins
5:02 - Why certain phrases trigger us
7:12 - What I’ve noticed making an internet advice column
9:37 - Ideas for the future
12:03 - Why it doesn’t feel sustainable to bite your tongue
16:05 - Being honest about your reaction
17:33 - Letter 2: Don’t like best friend’s boyfriend
19:02 - Response to letter 2 begins
20:30 - The lost dream of being “couple friends”
22:56 - When your friend gets cheated on
24:31 - Reflection questions when you don’t like your friend’s bf/gf
28:24 - Do this for your friend
29:28 - Letter 3: Your BFF is always in and out of relationships
30:30 - Response to letter 3 begins
31:00 - Having self-awareness
31:51 - Inserting ourselves into other people’s problems
32:30 - Breaking our own patterns
33:43 - Having a tough conversation
35:26 - Getting clear on YOUR terms
39:00 - Exclusive question for Hayeselnuts
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Watch on YouTube.
1:11 - Letter 1: “My friends are slut shaming me”
4:42 - Don’t call it a “hoe phase”
8:47 - Apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong
10:37 - Should a man be ready to marry you after 1 year?
15:16- The 4 questions to ask before confronting someone
17:00 - Letter 2: “My sister makes me feel bad about my body”
19:00 - Sibling dynamics
20:32 - Pick your battles
22:24 - The pros/cons of sarcasm
23:30 - An earnest conversation (add HALEY CONVO HERE)
26:30 - If they never stops bullying you
28:25 - Letter 3: “My friend thinks I’m more privileged than I am”
30:00 - Confronting our pleasure
32:30 - Intersectionality matters
33:40 - You still have a right to your pain
34:43 - Knowing your audience
36:30 - The friend’s comments
37:41 - The question you should always remember
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Watch this episode on YouTube.
What do you do when your best friend's live in a different city than you and are always posting about how close they are? What about if most of your bridesmaids don't post pictures from your wedding, even though you posted pictures from theirs? How do you talk to a friend (who is also an influencer) who's always posting stuff on social media when you're together? In this week's episode of Hello Hayes, we're talking about social media, jealousy, and friendship.
Send your letters to [email protected] mwah
0:00 - Overview of the three letters
2:33 - Letter 1: My BFFs always post each other
3:30 - How feeling lonely impacts our life
5:26 - Feelings are different than reality
6:56 - What IS the reality in this situation?
13:33 - How do we stop feeling left out?
15:33 - How to handle this moving forward
17:13 - Should you tell them how you feel?
20:30 - Letter 2: Bridesmaids didn’t post about my wedding
23:42 - The case for practicing restraint
25:50 - Is a wedding an achievement?
27:48 - Feeling inadequate
28:00 - A reframe to help
29:55 - Speaking your truth
32:00 - Letter 3: OG bestie is an influencer
34:10 - Am I (Hayes) an influencer?
35:00 - Showing empathy for your friend
37:23 - Reflection question to ask yourself
38:00 - How to talk to her in the moment
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On today's episode I'm joined by writer and fellow internet advice giver, Haley Jakobson. When I teased this episode on insta stories a couple of weeks ago, saying “the guest wrote a book on friendship breakups,” dozens of you guessed it would be Haley, and alas, you were right!!! Haley is the author of OLD ENOUGH, a novel that explores, yes, friendship breakups, but also queerness and bisexuality and being a survivor and growing up and away from who we in the Hello Hayes universe call an OG bestie. As I shared with Haley in our 1hr+ conversation, her depiction of friendship explosions were so vivid and familiar that I felt physically uncomfortable while reading. The novel can be heavy but in the safe and skilled hands of a writer like Haley, I felt held the entire time. OLD ENOUGH has the full weight of a Hello Hayes book recommendation!
Our conversation covers what we’ve learned about ourselves as writers, why friendship break-ups are so painful, a Hello Hayes (and Haley) question about having a crush on a coworker while you’re in a relationship, and so much more. I cry at one point, obviously.
0:00 - Who is Haley Jakobson?
4:20 - Selling her first book
8:00 - Stepping in front of the lens
10:30 - Writing about pain
13:23 - Our love of book "Acknowledgments" sections
14:00 - Earnestness is underrated
15:30 - A hate comment that I still think about
19:00 - Friendship break-ups
19:30 - Vow of celibacy from best friendship
25:18 - What does the patriarchy have to do with it?
32:00 - Why Hayes admires Haley & unexpected tears
35:42 - On not being an "Emily Henry" type of writer
37:00 - The duality of Haley & the creation process
41:45 - The worst question aspiring writers ask
43:00 - What Hayes has learned about herself as a writer
45:30 - "Creative foreplay"
45:00 - Spontaneous vs responsive desire
49:23 - Writing sex scenes
53:00 - Hello Hayes letter
1:05:44 - The story behind the title OLD ENOUGH
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Travel and friendship can be complicated, especially when it comes to group dynamics and exclusion. In this week's Hello Hayes, we're talking about how to navigate the complexities of travel and friendship.
0:00 - Introduction
4:28 - Overview of the 3 letters
5:48 - Letter 1: “My OG besties went on a trip without me”
8:21 - My personal experience getting “excluded”
10:30 - Why it hurts to fall out of touch with
12:10 - How to handle the situation
15:00 - Should you ask: Why wasn’t I invited?
15:58 - What to say instead
16:40 - Feeling like everyone’s talking about you
18:14 - Letter 2: “How do we tell someone why they were excluded?”
19:25 - The problem with exclusion
20:03 - Tough love
22:52 - The responsibility of being in a friend group
23:50 - What to do in the future
26:10 - Why this isn’t about “boundaries”
27:44 - Why I chose this letter
28: 27 - Letter 3: “My friend won’t stop texting her boyfriend on vacation”
30:00 - Why I don’t watch TV with friends
31:25 - From WTF to compassion
36:25 - Script 1
39:00 - Communication tip: “Keep it consistent”
39:50 - Script 2
43:45 - On being “jealous”
45:45 - Hayes’s phone etiquette rules
You can find me on Instagram here.
Watch episodes of Hello Hayes here.
👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋
Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com. Pro tip: Use "YouTube subscriber" in the subject line, plus a few words that describe your story. Like this: "YouTube subscriber + Why do I feel so sad around the holidays?"
✍️ LIKE TO READ? ✍️
10,000+ Hayeselnuts and curious thinkers read my newsletter on Substack, where I publish my most personal writing and advice columns. All content is free, but paid subscriptions are available to those who are able to support my work financially! You get bonus audio episodes and a "cut the line" pass to my advice column. 5/month or 50/year! Subscribe.
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[Watch on YouTube]
I'm back to reading three letters today! Yay! This week's episode is wedding-themed, but I promise the details in each letter are relevant even if you're not engaged yourself.
👋 SAY HI 👋
You can find me on Instagram here (behind the scenes, personal storytelling).
On YouTube here (longform and mini video advice columns).
On Substack here (my writing and exclusive announcements).
👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋
Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com
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I'm not a fan of reading my published writing months/years after it's been published, but I'm making an exception today. In this week's episode, I'm reading the first ever Hello Hayes column I ever wrote. Thanks for being here with me.
Subscribe to my Substack here!
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Live from the east coast! This week I'm telling you about a lesson I learned on my recent flight from LAX to Boston (thx for teaching it, Brob). While this experience didn't cure my turbulence-related anxiety completely, it's getting me a little closer...and is also helping me reframe some other challenges in life. xx Hayes
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