Episoder
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We’re finally doing it — an episode dedicated to all things demisexuality!
Understanding demisexuality was the lightbulb I needed in fully understanding myself and how/why my attraction has looked like the way it has. I always felt … weird. Different. And I didn’t understand why I didn’t experience that initial intense physical attraction towards someone, ever.
In todays episode, we dive into my personal flavor of demisexuality, how I’ve adapted my dating practices to align with my unique needs and all about the lightbulb switch that has everything to do with my attraction needs.
THINGS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Episode 160
The Podcast Instagram
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
DM or email Amanda for current somatic/embodiment coaching opportunities
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One of the most common things I get asked by you all is how I’m really doing post / during my divorce, and I get it. I haven’t really talked about how I’m doing in a direct way regarding this particular piece of my story and while that’s been intentional — I realized that not doing so was also a disservice to all of you and to this process.
If there’s anything I’ve realized through this experience, it’s that there are not a lot of blueprints out there on how to navigate the process of a divorce. What you might expect. Shit you might face.
I thought I could have predicted what the last year and half would look like. And I was wrong. It’s been a rollercoaster. One that I’m finally sharing more about on todays episode.
If you are going through a divorce or a de-escalation, please give yourself some grace. This shit is hard. Complicated. Messy. And if you know someone going through either, reach out to them and tell them you’re there.
PS: my neighbors downstairs were having what sounded like a rave during the only time I had to record this so, enjoy the weird ambient music LOL
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
DM or email Amanda for current somatic/embodiment coaching opportunities
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Manglende episoder?
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Did I ever think I’d have a former partner, a queer platonic partner and a platonic life partner together for an in depth conversation around all things queerness? If you had told me a few years ago, I would have been like hell no. I didn’t even know platonic partnership could be a thing back then. AND to have former partners of mine want to participate in my world and be willing to navigate the nuance and intricacies of de-escalation alongside of me while also witnessing me in partnership? I imagined it — hoped for it — but to have it realized is such a gift.
I love these humans. They are some of my most treasured folks in my inner constellation of loved ones. I have learned so much from being in partnership and in sphere with Rach (she/her), Kels (they/them) and Kristen (she/her). And I am just so f*cking excited to share this conversation with one of you.
It might just be my favorite episode to date.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
queer-ness as a celebration of anti-normative living and being
the idea of hierarchy and the variety of what commitment can look like in relationships
romantic, platonic relationships
internalized homophobia
the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality
how the patriarchy and comp het impacts queer dynamics
and a shit ton of goofy energy and personal stories
CONNECT WITH KRISTEN, RACH & KELS:
Instagram: Kristen | Rach | Kels
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off
Episode 100: This Is Pride (We’re Here And We’re Queer)
Rachels previous episodes: Episode 148: Platonic Intimacy & Why We Really Went On A Break | Episode 86 | Episode 64: How Fluid id Sexuality Anyways? | Episode 51: Breaking the Stigma of Therapy | Episode 37: The Truth About Anxiety | Episode 9
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Snag one of Amanda’s June somatic embodiment coaching pop up sessions : 60 mins | 90 mins
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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This is my fifth pride out as a queer person, and I would be lying if I said that I haven’t felt at a loss on how to being to find queer community. Part of queer-ness isn’t just going from thinking you’re straight to knowing you’re queer and then voila, you’ve got the queer life of your dreams. It’s a whirlwind of unpacking comp het, going through queer puberty (I used to scoff at the idea of this but it’s a thing), and finding where you feel the most at home and yourself in your queerness.
Not to mention getting your brain unf*cked from the patriarchy.
These are conversations I have in my own circles, often, and I’m so grateful to have someone like Rainn in my own life to learn from and converse with. And I’m even more stoked that they agreed to come on the pod for us to have one of these conversations with all of you.
If you aren’t familiar with Rainn (She/They), she is a Black lesbian artist and writer living in Chicago. She’s the Host and Co-Organizer of Fruit Salad, a monthly queer open mic. Her writing has appeared in several online publications, and her second poetry chapbook, “In our hands, citrus” will be released later this year. Her artwork has appeared at Co-Prosperity Sphere, The Whistler, The Robin in the Martin, and The Franklin.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
how the fuck to make queer friends
their queer timeline and how she’s navigated all things non monogamy, internalized homophobia and de-escalations in their relationships
why lesbianism means so much to her
how to know where you belong
local artist & queer community, and the way she’s personally contributing to it with Fruit Salad
all things chosen family, sapphic love, power dynamics in relationships and beyond
ALL THINGS BEDUCATED:
Get 40% off yearly pass for Beducated — use code: fuckyes
Best part? You can try ALL Beducated courses for 1 Day FREE! You won’t get charged for the first 24 hours so if it’s not for you, you can cancel.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Rainn’s Instagram
Fruit Salad | Dorothy Downstairs | The Martin
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Snag one of Amanda’s June somatic embodiment coaching pop up sessions : 60 mins | 90 mins
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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CW: sexual assault, harassment
“Something is wrong with me.” Words I used to think and say out loud all the damn time when I wasn’t feeling turned on enough or when I felt pain during sex or when I started having sex with vulva owners and had no idea what the fuck I was doing.
If only I’d known about how trauma and living in a culture rooted in the patriarchy can impact our own body’s (and thus selves) ability to access our own needs for consent, our own voice and access our own desires.
In todays very raw and incredibly important episode, I’m so honored to be joined by Mariah Freya (she/her), co-founder and CEO of Beducated — the worlds leading online shame free sex education platform — to deep dive into all of this and more.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
our shared experience with sexual trauma and how that has impacted our sex lives and capacity for pleasure
cultivating safety in sex
Mariah’s dangerous experience in the tantric community
how big tech is intentionally getting in the way of shame free sex education
dissociation and PTSD responses during / around sex
ways to deepen into your pleasure with intention
navigating low libido, pelvic floor pain, cults, punk culture and beyond
ALL THINGS BEDUCATED:
Get 50% off yearly pass for Beducated — use code: fuckyes
Best part? You can try ALL Beducated courses for 1 Day FREE! You won’t get charged for the first 24 hours so if it’s not for you, you can cancel :)
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Mariah’s Instagram | Beducated’s Instagram — use code “fuckyes”
NXIVM documentary the Vow
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Patreon to support the pod
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
Fucking Queer Merch — 100% of proceeds from now through the end of Pride Month will go towards the LGBTQ+ charity/organization the community chooses
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Well, fuck, this episode means the world to me and I am just so damn grateful to get to introduce you all beyond the gram to my queer platonic partner, Kels (they/them).
I’ve loved cultivating this partnership over the last year of my life. They mean the absolute world to me, and finding our way into what we are today has been a journey — one that I’m very proud of, and one that we get into the nitty gritty of in this conversation.
Relationships don’t have to be sexual to be partnerships. Period. Our relationship continues to show me the depth and epic nature of platonic intimacy. And how epic and nuanced queer love is. How our queer love is. And I’m so deeply honored to get to share a little big piece of this love of mine with all of you.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
the story of our love and how we’ve evolved into what we are today
the different types of attraction
the fear/complexities of building the blueprint of non-traditional relationships like ours
the overlap of the non monogamous and queer communities
what our queer platonic partnership looks like in practice
queer-ing your relationships, identity, top surgery, queer/gender expression & beyond
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off / proceeds go to the Brave Space Alliance
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Patreon — donate to support the pod, content etc.
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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You probably know them as the trio that started the Multiamory podcast, and I’m so honored to know them as peers, friends and colleagues. When they reached out to let me know that their book was getting ready to be released and that they wanted to come on the podcast to share, it was an easy f*ck yes.
If you are new to these incredible humans, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker have spent the last decade raising awareness, providing approachable resources, and combat the stigma faced by people in non-traditional relationships. Today, with hundreds of episodes, millions of downloads around the world, and a rapidly growing community, they are dedicated to offering practical advice and communication tools, grounded in the latest relationship research, guest experts, and years of professional experience.
I’m so grateful for them and their commitment to this work. And if you happen to be experiencing them for the first time via this podcast, I’m so stoked to introduce you to all things Multiamory.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
what their work in the relationship sphere has taught them most about their own experience in relationships
why there’s been a surge of folks stepping into non monogamy the last few years
what tools in the book that they personally use the most
how it’s okay to breakup
navigating conflict, PTSD and somatic support, praise kinks, fighting for visibility & beyond!
CONNECT WITH EMILY, JASE & DEDEKER:
Get the Multiamory book - preorder today, available 5/23/23
Multiamory’s Instagram | Tik Tok
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Dedeker’s original episode
Ambiamory
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Fucking Queer Merch — 100% of proceeds from now through the end of Pride Month will go towards the LGBTQ+ charity/organization the community chooses
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Patreon to support the pod
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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Is hierarchy in relationships ethical? A very important question that folks in non monogamous and monogamous relationships alike have been asking and unpacking and holy balls, do we have a lot to say about this subject.
I’ve had a WILD ride when it comes to hierarchy in relationships since I was in high school. Although I didn’t have the language at the time (and internal knowing and understanding that I could exist in any other ways), I’ve always been a queer, ambiamorous, demisexual relationship anarchist. AND I also externally looked like I was existing in and choosing a wildly heteronormative, “traditional” relationship that appeared very hierarchical. And yet, it wasn’t that at all.
Today, we talk about, simply, if hierarchical relationships are ethical.
Hint: (you guessed it), my answer is clear and also nuanced, ‘cause there are so many systems and structures in place in western society that makes this answer much more complicated than a hard YES or NO.
And, as always, I share what experiences I navigated in rectifying with these things in my own personal unlearning process around all things toxic monogamy culture, the patriarchy, heteronormativity and beyond. Let’s get the f*ck into it.
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Episode 134: I’m Addicted To You Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic Monogamy
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off / proceeds go to the Brave Space Alliance
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Patreon — donate to support the pod, content etc.
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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SHE’S BACK!!! And holy balls is this conversation juicy AF.
If you’re newer to the pod, Jordan Shomer (she/her) is a friend, colleague and our very own resident astrologer. Jordan is a Queer Jewish intuitive astrologer who recognizes the patterns and puzzles of astrology and synthesizes them into stories that land on your heart. She believes that within the map of the stars lives a blueprint to healing and guidebook to growth. She is passionate about holding space for you to greet yourself in all your cosmic glory. And f*ck me, is she pure magic.
Every time we have Jordan on, I get full body chills. And in preparation for todays episode, I listened back to the episode we last did in December 2021 and when I tell you every. thing. that. she. predicated. came. true.
And in true to form of our previous episodes, I got hella fucking emotional and am brimming with gratitude for this conversation, and I know you will feel it too. And learn SO much about what’s to come and where we’re moving from as a collective, so you can come home to yourself as the uniquely beautiful individual you are.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
owning and embodying our intuitive witchy selves
your sun, moon and rising signs in astrology
setting boundaries and navigating the patriarchal culture in our intimate relationships
saturn returns, what to expect, and how Amanda’s coincided with the downfall of her marriage
standing in your power and coming home to your wholehearted self
anti-capitalism, what to expect astrologically speaking in 2023, finding the magic in the mess, breaking the binary, some personal updates & beyond
CONNECT WITH JORDAN:
Jordans Instagram | Newsletter
Book a reading with Jordan
Moon gatherings
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Fucking Queer Merch - use code QUEERDO for 15% off
Jordans previous episodes: episode 76, episode 111
The 7 spiritual laws of success by Deepak Choprah
Alok V Menon
All About love
Thousand Miles (feat. Brandi Carlisle) by Miley Cyrus
WORK, SUPPORT & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Fucking Queer Merch — 100% of proceeds from now through the end of Pride Month will go towards the LGBTQ+ charity/organization the community chooses
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Patreon to support the pod
Join her email list for free curated playlists and very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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I dropped the “I don’t identify as polyamorous anymore” bomb a few months ago & I’m finally sharing the behind the scenes of why I arrived there. I promise you, it’s not what many folks think. So let’s get the fuck into it, bbs.
Some things I talk about in todays episode:
The mess and the magic of sifting through identity markers to figure out who the fuck you are
My own process of feeling seen within the label of ambiamory and what it means
The collective cry around breaking the binary, and what that has looked like for my own journey
My unique timeline of queer liberation, relationship anarchy, demisexuality, divorce & coming home to my deepest knowing
Critical thinking & navigating the nuance of humanity
Sifting through the balance of rejecting, at my core, the patriarchy & capitalism while finding ways to flow within the structures we currently have to operate within
Witchy astrology queer shit, somatic healing, trauma and nervous system recovery, gender fluidity & expression and beyond.
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Who I am Updated Instagram post
Ambiamory definition
Episode 151: Let’s Talk Relationship Anarchy
Episode 134: I’m Addicted To You Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic Monogamy
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Patreon - support the pod & join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Join email list for occasional nudges, offerings and love.
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You’ve asked for an entire episode on all things relationship anarchy and I’m so stoked to be kicking off the conversation and deep dive into all things relationship anarchy with the one person that’s made me feel the most seen by sharing their lived experience as a demisexual relationship anarchist who has been in polyamorous and monogamous dynamics alike : Abby Rosmarin aka my mutual and friend on Tik Tok (and in real life) @notjennifergarner
Abby (she/they) is a writer, content creator, mental health professional, trauma-informed yoga instructor, and former commercial model. She is the author of 7 books, including the Amazon Bestseller The Ballerina's Guide to Boxing. She is also known as NotJenniferGarner on TikTok, where she has amassed nearly half a million followers. Abby is also getting her Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
This conversation felt like a warm hug to my heart, and I know it will feel that way for you too. So cozy up with us and let’s fucking go baby!
Things highlighted in todays episode:
what relationship anarchy is / means to both Abby and Amanda
relationship anarchy being occasionally equated to abuse
autonomy being falsely equated with lack of accountability
nuance is everything
ways to tangibly live out relationship anarchist values
platonic partners, hierarchy, comp het and comp monogamy, intention and beyond
CONNECT WITH ABBY:
Abby’s Instagram | Tik Tok | Patreon
Buy Abby’s Books
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Relationship Anarchy Manifesto
Relationship libertarian
Episode 145 : Abuse in Non Monogamy
Crony Capitalism
Amanda’s Fuck Yes Relationship Manifesto
Multiamory
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Fucking Queer Merch
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Join her email list for very occasional gifts & announcements in your inbox
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Welcome back to the pod my queer-dos, loves and everyone in between.
It feels really fitting to be coming back to the pod at this time of year — not just post the first birthday I’ve had in years that wasn’t surrounded by chaos and pain because of my personal life, but also because this marks the 5 year anniversary of the pod. Crazy balls.
So much of the last six months since I saw you last here has been me healing post divorce (and all that came with leaving) and integrating the values I have into my day to day world. And, in that, so much of my focus has been on belonging — both to myself, and what I want belonging in community and in space to look and feel like, both within interpersonal relationships and as the artist and facilitator that I am.
And in todays episode, we deep dive into all of that and more.
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Fucking Queer Merch
Episode 149 : Divorce Is Not A Dirty Word
32 Things Instagram Post
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Patreon - support the pod & join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Join her email list for all the important things / future group coaching & teaching announcements
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I wasn’t sure that I was going to share this episode today, but it felt right, so here we are. And, in true Amanda fashion, we’re getting wildly vulnerable and moving through the mess on our season finale of the podcast about something so many of you have been wondering for months:
Divorce.
Specifically my divorce.
This episode is messy, because divorce is messy.
This episode is filled with feels, because transitions and grief like this brings up a lot.
This episode also tackles the notion that divorce, de-escalations and breakups don’t have to be (and often rarely are) this cut and dry, black and white, good / bad thing.
Sometimes, divorce is the very thing that sets you free. It is and was for me.
Things Amanda talks about in todays episode:
What this episode is not going to be about
Boundaries with respect to when / what to share around this chapter
The 3 life events that are most disruptive to our nervous system / mental health
The difference between a breakup and a de-escalation
Leading with love
The reason for the divorce had nothing to do with polyamory
Being a big feeler, relationship anarchist values, the things she’s been doing to support herself during this time & what’s next
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Fucking Queer Merch
All About Love by Bell Hooks
Support Amanda - Venmo: @amandakatherineloy
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Join her email list for all the important things / future group coaching & teaching announcements
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Today’s episode is one I honestly wasn’t sure would or could ever happen.
If you’ve been around these parts for a while, you will know Rachel Wright not just as the incredible psychotherapist & sex educator, but as one of my dearest friends, collaborators & business partners.
From the moment we met in 2018, we instantly knew we were kindred spirits. Meant to meet. And we spent the next few years being partners in the truest form of the word.
Platonic partners, but partners. We were each others lifeline and person on all things coming out as bi/pan/queer, on all things non monogamy and, truly, just in everything in life.
What you don’t know is that we didn’t talk for almost an entire year.
And today, six months after we began the process of repairing our relationship, we sit down for an extended conversation about what really happened & where we are today — in our relationship, and in our individual selves as queer, non monogamous folks.
Things we talk about in todays episode:
The nitty gritty on the first time we met up after a year long, no contact break
The intense grief that comes with losing a friendship & the fear/anxiety around attempting to rekindle it
Codependency in platonic relationships
Where we are now in our relationship with each other
How Rach’s relationship with her three primary partners came to be
Where we both stand in our queer & non monogamous identities now
Queer crushes, butt plugs, polyamorous breakups, play parties, relationship anarchy & beyond
CONNECT WITH RACHEL:
Rachels Website | Instagram
Article Rach Wrote Where She Came Out As Polyamorous
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Get all your self pleasure & partnered play vibes with Dame pleasure products — AMANDA10
Sexy safer sex practices for all my vulva ownin’ baddies with My Lorals Undies - AMANDA10
Episode 64: How Fluid Is Sexuality Really
John Romaniello
Episode 142 on Different Relationship Models
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Amanda’s Instagram | Website
Join her email list for freebies, musings & first dibs on announcements/offers
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How the f*ck do we even begin to feel at home in our queerness, let alone cultivate queer community when we’re starting to come out and own our sexuality?
When I first came out four years ago (this month!), I felt SO damn confused. And SO damn alone. And, to be honest, I often still struggle to feel connected to my queerness beyond my individual self.
Learning from Kiana and, honestly, just watching them live their life so damn connected to her queerness and authenticity has been so liberating for me — and I knew you would all resonate SO strongly with and learn so much from their energy, her story and their lived experience as a queer, and former non monogamous, person.
If you’re new to all things Healing Is Imperfect, Kiana (she/they) is a Black queer twenty something in love with her partner, her friends and her cat. She is a sex educator, pleasure mentor and sex work advocate. They believe in the past, present and future liberation of all people through fighting anti-Blackness, centering the queer and trans community, and connecting to whatever one considers spiritual. Kiana has learned from and is fueled by pleasure activism. She loves dancing, being by bodies of water, analyzing too many things and quoting their favorite TV shows and movies.
Things she highlights and what we talk about in todays episode:
their journey doing sex work
taking nudes & the safety/fears around sharing our bodies
honoring our lineages through the work we do & the way we show up in the world
the multiple phases of our coming out journeys
how they began to cultivate their local queer community & where you can start with your own journey
going from 5 years of non monogamy to monogamy in their current relationship
the struggle of dating cis men, navigating the patriarchy, gender expression, identity politics and beyond
CONNECT/WORK WITH KIANA:
Their Instagram @healingisimperfect
1:1 Pleasure Mentoring via The Expansive Group
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Get all your self pleasure & partnered play vibes with Dame pleasure products — AMANDA10
Sexy safer sex practices for all my vulva ownin’ baddies with My Lorals Undies - AMANDA10
@_sagetheflame @queersextherapy
Inventing Anna
It’s About Damn Time
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We all have scars.
The physical ones that we see, and all of the ones that are there that we can’t.
But we feel them. We know them. And, sometimes, we discover we have them years into our adult lives and the shame, the guilt, the overwhelm of processing it all can be all consuming and incredibly fucking daunting to face.
TW: self loathing, body image, medical procedures/needles
In todays episode and in honor of mental health awareness month, Amanda talks about her journey with scars — both physical and beyond. And shares some truth bombs & support around how you can start your own journey in detaching yourself from the shame and guilt of the scars you keep.
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Episode 144
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s Instagram | Website | Tik Tok
Join her email list for all the important things / future group coaching & teaching announcements
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Coming into queerness later in life. Kink dynamics. Going from monogamy to non monogamy. Abusive relationships. Sex parties & beyond.
All of that, and so much more, is explored in Rachel Krantz’s book: Open, and I’m not lying when I tell you I devoured this book in the span of 24 hours and immediately reached out to have Rachel (she/her) on the podcast to get into the nitty gritty of it all — and this conversation does not disappoint.
TW: emotional & psychological abuse, manipulation, gaslighting & self gaslighting, power dynamics
If you’re unfamiliar with Rachel’s work — she’s a journalist and one of the founding editors of Bustle, where she served as senior features editor for three years. Her work has been featured on NPR, The Guardian, Vox, Vice, and many other outlets. She’s the recipient of the Robert F. Kennedy Journalism Award, the Investigative Reporters and Editors Radio Award, the Edward R. Murrow Award, and the Peabody Award for her work as an investigative reporter with YR Media. Open is her first book.
And I imagine not her last — or at least, I certainly hope not ‘cause damn, it’s pretty fucking incredible, and from a personally selfish perspective, so damn refreshing to have a first person, tell all memoir around the rollercoaster that is navigating the early days of queer liberation and non monogamy.
I know so many of you have been waiting for this episode so let’s get the fuck to it.
CONNECT WITH RACHEL / READ OPEN:
Snag your copy of Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy
Rachels Website | Instagram | Twitter
Look out for Rachels future podcast: Help Existing
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Donate/Support to Abortion Funds
Sign petition to defend Roe V. Wade
Greedy by Jen Winston
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Peer support sessions
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Amanda’s Instagram | Website
Join her email list for all the important things / monthly announcements
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Todays episode is all about the “growth mindset” mentality vs. the process of unbecoming, unlearning and coming home to ourselves that so many of you asked Amanda for after her instagram stories last week.
As someone who lives her life outside of many of the traditional norm boxes that our society is rooted in, this has been on her heart big time, lately, and it’s clearly been on yours too. We’re surely a unique bunch and the Live Your F*ck Yes Life community wouldn’t be what it is without all of you — my fellow people pleasing, trauma navigating, queer and/or non monogamous humans (and beyond!)
So pop in your headphones, snag something yummy and cozy if it feels good to you & let’s dive in.
TW: eating disorder cycles, diet culture, trauma, panic attacks
Things she talks about in todays episode:
The desperation for true belonging
The environment of the “fit in” mentality to thrive and be enough
The good and the harmful pillars around the growth mindset & pop culture “hustle & grind” mentality
Her experience moving from Canada to the US at nineteen and how growing up in and around immigrant families has impacted her experience living in the US
Moving through the “starving artist” trope for the last decade as an actor & performer
The impact of capitalism, the patriarchy & white supremacy on her choices, paths & perspectives
Navigating feelings of broken-ness, fear, lack of purpose, panic & beyond
LINKS MENTIONED IN TODAYS EPISODE:
Atlas Of The Heart
Past episode highlight round up: non monogamy, queer liberation, body neutrality, brca & people pleasing/trauma
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Peer support sessions
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
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After our last episode on the various relationship models, it felt only fitting to expand on the relationship model that I know most folks are usually either very intrigued and excited by or absolutely terrified about considering — and that is: solo polyamory.
I am not a solo polyamorous person. Never have been, and given my personal values and needs (and inherent biases and privileges), I likely will never choose to intentionally step into that path. But I know that it resonates HARD for many folks, and I knew this conversation that I had with Jayda in May 2021 for a workshop, that she consented to sharing on todays episode of the podcast with all of you, was gonna rock your world as much as it did.
Jayda Shuavarnnnasri (she/they) is a queer Southeast Asian sexuality & relationship educator and trauma-sensitive facilitator. Also known as Sex Positive Asian Auntie, she works to liberate folks from sexual shame by creating space for authentic conversations about sexuality, relationships, identity and healing. The topics that excite her most are sexual exploration, identity, transformative justice, and non-conventional relationships.
Things she highlights & talks about in todays episode:
Curiosity & exploration of self in juxtaposition of societal norms
Their experience of being cheated on 4 years ago and how that led into research re: non monogamy
Nobody really knows what the fuck they’re doing in any relationship style
The false perception that non monogamy is the same as being “single & dating”
Jayda’s solo polyamory journey
The relationship galaxy model
Approaching non monogamy from a lens of possibility vs. Rigidity
The importance of being trauma informed in opening up your relationship
Navigating life as the caregiver/oldest child, choosing to be child free, astrology shiz, core values, shame and beyond
CONNECT/WORK WITH JAYDA:
Jaydas Instagram
Jumping Off The Relationship Escalator self paced workshop
Poetry collection: “From A Place of Love”
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Confused AF about what kind of relationship model you actually want because all you’ve ever been taught is monogamy or bust? And even THEN, monogamy has soooo much variability from person to person around expectations, needs, what the relationship feels like/looks like, boundaries etc?
Amanda was too.
We aren’t taught this shit. We’re just thrown into the world to figure it out by the seat of our pants, so she’s popping into your earbuds today to talk about just what your options really are, so you can move through your relationships and life decisions from a place that is rooted in your unique values, desires and needs.
Things she talks about in todays episode:
A breakdown of the different relationship models, from Monogamy to Relationship Anarchy (all along her Fuck Yes Relationship Model scale) — go to @amandkatherineloy on Instagram for the visual to follow along
What model she feels most particularly aligned with
The importance of knowing your values
How to communicate with your partners so you can have aligned expectations
RESOURCES:
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
122: Breaking Down Attachment Styles with Jessica Fern
134: I’m Addicted To You Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic Monogamy Culture
WORK & CONNECT WITH AMANDA:
Peer support sessions
Patreon - join her “close friends” list on Instagram at the $5+ level
Amanda’s book, I Chopped Off My Tits
Amanda’s Instagram | Website
Join her email list for all the important things / monthly announcements
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