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Dr. John Gottman has spent the last 4 decades studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. Through his research, he discovered 4 specific behaviors that, if left unchecked, will result in the destruction of any marriage.
These 4 behaviors are known as The Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse.
Today, we're going to share with you what the Four Horsemen are, how to recognize them, and what to do about them if they're present in your relationship.
If you want to learn more about Dr. Gottman's work, we recommend his book, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's fantastic!
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The concept of Boundaries is not something we talk about in Sunday School.
It's not a merit badge, or a young women's value.
But without boundaries, our marriages will not flourish and thrive like we want them to.
So, today we're going to give you an introduction into the concept of boundaries. What are they? How do they work? Why are they important? How do we set them? And how do we enforce them? -
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Did you know there are actually two types of conflict in marriage?
Some conflict, like what to eat for dinner tonight, is resolvable conflict.
The rest of our conflicts - 69% to be exact - are unresolvable conflicts, like what to do if you're an early riser, and I'm a night owl. Or if you're fastidious and I'm cluttery.
If you try to solve an unsolvable problem, you're just going to get more upset and frustrated. (Each type of problem requires its own skillset.)
So, today we're going to talk about those two types of conflict, and how to handle them differently. -
How do you create a marriage that can withstand any trial?
And let's be honest, we want to do more than merely survive... we want to THRIVE, even amidst the struggles of life.
God didn't give us marriage to endure. It's to enjoy. And that's what we'll show you how to do today. -
This episode is a recording of a live marriage preparation class Angilyn and I taught as part of our calling with the YSA Ward. This week's lesson was on the purpose of your marriage... ie: why we get married.
The answer might not be what you think... -
There are tons of really stupid, damaging marriage myths that we get told growing up. If we try to act out on those marriage myths as if they are true, they do SO much harm.
Today we're going to talk about some of the more common marriage myths, and how to avoid falling into their trap. -
Check out Dan's Intimately Us app at IntimatelyUs.com
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Join us for another awesome conversation with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife! In this episode we delve into questions about exploring what arouses you, dealing with conflicting desires, and frustrations around female orgasm.
We hope you enjoy the conversation! -
Kory Fluckiger and Heather McKinnon are work from home, school from home, and birth from home kind of people. Kory is an artist. Heather is an artist, social worker, and stay at home mom. They both volunteer for the American Red Cross High School Leadership Camp and would love to tell you about it!
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We need to have more compassion and understanding in our marriages - for ourselves and for our partner.
There are a lot of things that enter our relationships from our pasts. We need to realize that it is going to take some time to perfect this dance. Sometimes they’re going to step on your toes, and sometimes you will step on theirs. When we do that, let’s try to give each other some feedback and support.
It can quickly turn to blame and anger - ‘you stepped on me and that really hurt!’ Most often there is not malicious intent, yet people still get injured. We get hurt and our expectations get betrayed. There is a lot of emotion and discomfort and fear. It’s here that we need to start from a place of, ‘my partner is probably doing their best even though they aren’t a great dance partner yet. Maybe I’m not a great dance partner yet either! I thought I had all the moves and I don’t. How can we learn how to dance together?’
— Dr. Cameron Staley -
QUESTION #1
My wife and I have been married for several years. Arousal used to come easily, but in the past two years, severe depression has taken its toll on my libido. When it's not depression, it's chronic fatigue. Arousal now takes far more effort than it used to. I've found that things like roleplay and reading erotica have helped to overcome these hurdles. These are things we've done and enjoyed in the past, but have become more prevalent during the times of depression, as they seem to provide a shortcut to arousal. This is helpful because, as a normally high drive person, I want to want it, even if the body doesn't react as freely. I don't require them for arousal, but arousal doesn't happen on its own as much anymore.
The problem is that my wife has put on weight in recent years, and she is often convinced that my lower libido is due to this. She often feels like the roleplay is my way of pretending she was in better shape, or a different person.
How can I help her to know that it's a depression issue, and that my roleplays & erotica are being used to "jump start" my libido, and are not meant to replace her? How can I help her to not feel threatened by them?
QUESTION #2Thank you for all that you do! My husband and I are huge fans of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife! We have taken her courses and they have changed our lives for the better! We have been married 11 years and have 2 small children.
I am currently pregnant with our third child. While my husband and I have made great strides in our sexual relationship and I have taken monumental steps to claim my sexuality, I feel that my pregnancy has made me regress. I am so thankful to be able to carry children, but I do not feel sexually aroused while pregnant. My husband is so kind and tells me I’m beautiful, so the problem is not how he sees me. The problem is how I see myself. I tend to gain a lot of weight during pregnancy, which then takes me about a year to lose. With the weight gain, the fluctuating emotions, and how tired I become, sex is just not something I am interested in. Body image is a huge factor in this.
I would like to be more intimate with my husband, without feeling anxiety about my changing body. How can I feel sexual while pregnant? I’m sure I’m not the only woman who feels this way!
QUESTION #3I only learned about Joseph Smith’s polygamy, the doctrine of polygamy as explained in the scriptures and it’s extent in our temple dealings about 15 years ago. It has had a profound effect on how I view myself, my marriage and God. I am fearful of dying and resent this view of women.
When I ask family or friends how they cope with this they say they just don’t think about it or say they know in the next life we’ll be perfect. I find myself trying to be perfect so I don’t get replaced. Can you help me move past this fear so I can more fully enjoy my marriage?
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In this episode of the podcast, Rachel Nielson from the "3 in 30 takeaways for moms" podcast joins us to talk about life's crazy balancing act!
From wife, mother, ward calling holder, podcast host and business owner (just to name a few), Rachel has a lot of hats to wear! She knows firsthand the chaos that can come from attempting to juggle all of life's roles and responsibilities.
The conversation we have is real and raw and beautiful. You don't want to miss it!
Check out the 3 in 30 podcast to hear more incredible insights from Rachel and her guests!
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When we asked Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jonathan Sherman what he would want if he could be granted one professional wish, his answer surprised us at first.
"I would want everyone to participate in premarital or early marital counseling."
As the conversation went on, it became obvious why!
In this episode of the podcast, Jonathan paints a picture of just how big of an impact this would have on not only our relationships, but on our society for generations to come.
He shows us how having a simple "Our Way" marriage plan can set a couple up for not just a "good" marriage that doesn't end in divorce, but an amazing and enviable marriage you never thought possible.
Regardless of what stage your relationship is in, get ready for some serious "Ah Ha" moments!
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"Buried in your humanity is a jewel - a gift from God. It is the strongest force in your life. There is no stronger force that you could use for good in your life then this:
Your human nature has one single motive - to fight for what it deems as normal.
It will fight to a degree that you cannot win. So, what do you do?
Simple.
Redefine what’s normal.
All of a sudden, your human nature will work FOR you, instead of against you. This idea of controlling and creating what is normal is everything." -Seth Ellsworth -
Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and coach with over 28 years experience specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships. She is the founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, an outpatient therapy clinic in Cottonwood Heights and Bountiful, UT, and serves as an assistant professor of social work at Utah Valley University.
In addition to authoring two books, The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Dr. Hanks is a blogger on Latter-day Saint Cultural issues, a speaker, a local and national media contributor, an online influencer, a private practice consultant, and an award-winning performing songwriter.
A native Californian, Hanks currently lives with her family in Sandy, UT. For additional resources visit DrJulieHanks.com or connect with @drjuliehanks on social media.
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Known as “Dr. Dave” on campus and across the country, Dave Schramm is an associate professor and family life extension specialist at Utah State University in the department of Human Development and Family Studies. After graduating with his Ph.D. from Auburn University, he worked as a professor at the University of Missouri for nine years.
Since arriving at USU in 2016, he has been appointed by Governor Herbert to serve on Utah’s Commission on Marriage, he appears on television monthly on Fox 13’s “The Place” and he shares tips and videos on social media to help individuals, parents, and couples thrive in their life journeys.
From British Columbia to Beijing, China, and from St. Louis to San Diego, Dr. Dave has given over 500 presentations, classes, and workshops to a variety of audiences, including the United Nations and a TEDx talk in Florida.
He married his high school sweetheart Jamie, they have four children, he loves peanut M&Ms J, and the Schramm fam lives in North Logan, Utah.
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In this episode of the podcast, Nate and Ang give an update on all things baby!
They talk about the ups and the downs of first trimester, what they've learned individually and as a couple, and what they wish they would have known beforehand.
Enjoy!
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Kattie & Allan Mount are the co‑hosts of Marriage on a Tightrope, a podcast dedicated to navigating a mixed‑faith marriage. Kattie and Allan met in the MTC and both served missions in Barcelona Spain. They were married shortly after Allan returned.
In 2017, Kattie and Allan suddenly found themselves dealing with Allan’s decision to distance himself from the church. Frustrated with the lack of support, Kattie suggested they go public about their situation by starting a podcast.
Kattie loves all things Disney, and is PTA president of the local elementary school. Allan is a sales director for a South Jordan technology company, is an avid Dodgers fan, and performs improvisational comedy at Comedy Sportz in Provo. The couple has four children, ages 5 through 13.
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Question #1
My wife had a baby 6 months ago, and is afraid to have sex with me again. I've tried to get her to open up to me about what is going on, and why she is so anxious. I've let her dictate the pace of things so far, but if it were up to her, I'm not sure we'd ever have sex again.
Before the baby, sex was a struggle for her. She was unsure of what she liked and what felt good. If I accidentally stumbled on something that felt good, and she had an orgasm, I would try to repeat whatever I was doing during the next session, but that was rarely successful. I'm beside myself trying to figure out what can be done to help her learn to enjoy being intimate with me. What can I do? Or, what can I encourage her to do? Help!
Question #2I think I had an emotional affair. I’ve been married to my wife for almost a decade, and she’s the absolute best. She truly is my best friend and a wonderful mother to our three kids. After almost 10 years of marriage things have gotten pretty routine, but not necessarily complacent. We still laugh and talk and enjoy each other, but sometimes the routine gets a little stale.
A couple of years ago, I texted a female friend. We were friends in high school but hadn’t kept in touch until I reached out about a business proposition. It was pretty innocent, but over time became pretty flirty until she eventually proposed the idea of an affair. I immediately severed ties with her and told my wife what she had said. This happened more 7 months ago. We haven’t spoken since, but I honestly miss her. I think about her all the time, almost daily. I miss how we would make each other laugh and our deep conversations through texts. I miss being desired by someone new... or at all. It has gotten easier over time, but I could use some direction.
Was this an emotional affair? Should I tell my wife about it? How can I phrase it sensitively, if so? And how can I deal with this feeling of wanting to reach out to my former friend all the time? How do I replace the feelings of excitement that I was getting from her? Or do I have to learn deal without that excitement all together? I know... I’ve got issues.
Question #3My question is about sexuality and chronic illness. How do you navigate sexuality and desire when one partner has a normal high sex drive and the other is sick and has barely any energy for anything. Even washing my hair is difficult most days.
Before we were married I had a great drive, but very soon after I became very very sick. I try to be sexual as much as possible, but I feel guilty about not being able to meet his needs. Most of the time I would rather die than put the necessary energy into sex. Do you have any ideas for strategies to employ when his desire is high but my energy is low?
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In this episode of the podcast, we are joined by Dr. Cameron Staley - a Clinical Psychologist from Idaho State University - to tackle the topic of pornography.
Talking about pornography in the church can be a polarizing issue. We support the stance of the church and agree that it is not something we personally want as a part of our marriage.
What we don't agree with is the shame-filled and fear-based narrative that is so common in our culture. This narrative only exacerbates the struggles we are trying to eradicate. Is there a better way?
Absolutely!!
Thanks to the research and work of Dr. Staley, along with many other incredible people over the years, there is a better, more research based approach to navigating struggles of pornography with kindness, compassion, forgiveness and a whole lot of mindfulness.
You don't want to miss this episode!
- Vis mere
