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Man, that Jesse’s a dick. But he does, indeed, have the ingredients. Here we speak on the legendary legend and cold reality of Jesse James. We’ve got strong feels that casting Brad Pitt (MO boy) as Jesse James (MO boy) was a good move. And we’re loving Casey Affleck as Bob Ford. Furthermore, let us not overlook Casey’s beautiful glass skin, my brothers and sisters. HIS SKIN. We hit on a few burning questions: Do they even make outlaws like they used to? Do you brush your teeth nekkid? A blumpkin in the privy?! Tangents include fun Hollywood couples, Chris Rock’s orgasms, and vabbing. And…Snaturals(TM) are born!
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All hail our favorite scream queen, Justin Long! We watched Zach Cregger’s Barbarian, and it’s a damn delight. We dive directly into the continuum of depravity, with detours through Nazi atrocities and Kevin Smith’s Tusk. We talk STL vs Detroit via their Wikipedias. We offer some potentially incredible double-feature pairings with Barbarian & Love in the Villa and Schindler’s List & Tusk. And we say unto ye: Man cannot live by titty milk alone.
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Today we have for you Disney’s latest IP regurge served with a generous helping of the tasty original-recipe masterpiece, 1993’s Hocus Pocus. Make sure to pour one out for the days when witches were inhuman bitches without sloppily crafted backstories. And for dessert, try one of our delicious candy apples from Sandy’s Candy Cauldron! After-dinner cigars and brandy come with a complimentary history of apple bobbing. Enjoy!
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Harrison Ford vs Tommy Lee Jones vs Big Pharma! This iconic 90s action movie is so 90s with lots of 90s stuff (*cough* Sela Ward *cough*) happening. That said, is it just your basic white male fantasy about a husband who may or may not have killed his wife a la The Staircase? Tangents include Miles Teller, the truth about hair dye, the probability that Lindsey’s dad fucked an alien (SPOILER ALERT: incredibly high odds), and what Tommy Lee must look like under those clothes.
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Listen as Lindsey recalls her first encounter with the Predator at the tender age of six. Leah speaks of her experience with AVP, the union of two great franchises. We discuss the Predator as allegory for white man’s manifest destiny and the rape of the natural world. And we ask: What are the rules of the Predator? Does the Predator fuck? (It definitely fucks.) Tangents include sexy aliens vs realistic aliens and our great expectations for sci-fi series and film.
Full disclosure: We have worked with the Predator. Great dude. Struggles with the typing.
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From the living room rug, Lindsey “Hand Banger” Schaefer and Leah “Lying Shit Mouth” Bross bring you Ocean’s Eleven!* In this episode we ask: Is this remake of a classic a classic? Or is it just a popcorn movie dressed up real nice? Where do we stand on George Clooney: fuck-boy-dickhead or sexy Hollywood pig owner? (This is, of course, a very personal choice that every woman must make for herself.) Lindsey takes us way, way, way back with plenty of 90s TV refs, including Picket Fences, ER, and Sisters. And we have lots of thoughts about the love story in this film because what the ever-loving fuck?!
This episode is dedicated to Ray Liotta and James Caan. We love them forever.
*Leah “cheated” in the fog of winter and watched this movie. She didn’t recall it until now because her memory is fuuuuuuuucked.
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How do we love Mr. Eggers and his coming-of-age tales? Let us count the ways…. We’re quite taken by the deliciously violent story of Amleth, as well as the kinda historically accurate portrayal of a flatulent Viking teen under the influence of psychedelics. We discuss the mystery of the butthole disk and the dream of an Eggers-Aster collab. And we debate the best use of period blood in a film. But really there are no bad uses of period blood. Ever. Alas, we were challenged by the pronunciations of most of the names in this film. Forgive us.
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Welcome to another VERY SPECIAL EPISODE. And please excuse us while we have a moment…a Josh Brolin moment! We discuss this timeless story written by Cormac McCarthy, as told by the Coen brothers, and in which that dingus kid from Cheers makes good (until he doesn’t). Tangents include Outer Range, baby Caleb Landry Jones, sociopaths, Danny McBride, and a brief appearance by a hilarious Letterboxd review that Lindsey doesn’t understand.
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We're so sad. We're so fucked up…about how little we know about sports betting. But we're really stoked about Adam Sandler's performance in this--hear us out--delightful little rom-com portraying the dangers of gambling addiction. We would die for that Furby! And we're kinda obsessed with Julia Fox the podcaster. Extreme Julia Fox voice: I mean, Lindsey was Leah's muse for this episode about Uncah Jahms.
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Give us the dex! So…why are we here? We're here because of Lindsey's weird obsession with this too-long Y2K action flick about summiting K2. Lindsey explores her mountain-climbing dreams; Leah explores her dreams of climbing Chris O'Donnell. And then, much like in the movie, there's lots of heavy breathing and absolutely zero sex. Because, unfortunately for all of us, there's no sex in the death zone.
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We're back, baby! And we have for you, dear listener, a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE because we watched Morbius. And wow. Just wow. Lindsey breaks down the science behind this humdinger of a Marvel-vampire (?) flick. Leah has a few things to say about Jordan Catalano's 50-year-old bod (hubba, hubba). And we have so very many questions about the rules: the rules of vampires, the rules of bats, and in particular, the rules of this movie. So, take a listen. The power of the bat compels you!
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We're one year into the pandy, and this is what breaks Lindsey: Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers. (Fact: This is Tarantino's fave film from 2013. Also fact: Tarantino has a dick.) Is it a love story? Is it a tragedy? Either way, Leah found it to be beautiful Shakespearean chaos and Lindsey found it to be trash. Tangents include stoner party rules, the truth about critics, Dave Franco vs James Franco, and stickup methodologies. Sprang break, forevah.
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In this VERY SPECIAL EPISODE, we describe our first encounters with a film that is a mix of fiction and documentary fact. While that can be a bit off-putting, it doesn't much detract from the beauty and meaningfulness of Chloe Zhao's Nomadland. The lifestyles and people portrayed in this film are quite different from our understanding of #vanlife as depicted by millennial influencers. This is the story of a seemingly forgotten generation, a story of community lost and found, that spans the sublime and dangerous American West.
Mentioned in this episode:
"Nomadland is a real human story that's not over yet" by Adrienne Westenfeld
https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/movies/a35538486/nomadland-fern-true-story-jessica-bruder-linda-bob-swankie-now/
Tails of Wanderlust blog https://tailsofwanderlust.com/
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Keanu and Winona are together again in this delightful film about a joyless turd and a neurotic spinster finding love at a destination wedding. Full of witty dialogue and biting humor, the film turns all our favorite rom-com tropes into laugh-out-loud moments, including a sex scene that makes the Movie Virgins' top three (just behind Border and The Bronze). Leah defends Keanu's acting abilities, and Lindsey recalls Winona's best performances. Tangents include Dane Cook, spending money to fill the void, the optics of screw-top wine, and our top quarantine shows (ie, what's getting us through) after almost a year of this shit.
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Welcome to our first ESKIMO SISTERS episode, wherein we discuss our shared carnal knowledge of a film that we both have…experienced. Our first go-round is with Bridesmaids, a movie we have adored for nearly a decade. We talk about why we love the film so much: Melissa McCarthy's breakout performance, the realistic portrayal of female friendships, and how the coming-of-age story of a 30-something woman really resonated with us. We also dig into how this compares to The Hangover, as well as whether women can be both desirable and raunchy. Tangents include Jon Hamm as a character actor, the way to Lindsey's heart, and our worst cases of food poisoning. Lastly, we answer this burning question: Do people change or do they stay the same?
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Less Than Zero, based Bret Easton Ellis' first novel, is a perfect encapsulation of 80s disaffected youth and the LA party scene. Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal of a drug addict is impressive, but it can't save the film from Andrew McCarthy's milquetoast leading man and the objectively terrible ending. For the record, Tawny Kitaen is not in this movie, but Jami Gertz is. And James Spader does his 80s villain thing. Tangents include Tom Cruise's MI7 COVID rant, incestuous friend groups, PEN15, Grand Army, and appropriate sleepwear.
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Spoilers abound in this VERY SPECIAL EPISODE where we travel back in time - back to the 80s - to discuss our initial reactions to Wonder Woman 1984. And guess what? We didn't hate it. But it did give us a lot of things to think on: the varied portrayals of female and male superheroes, the unfortunate treatment of Kristen Wiig's Barbara Minerva/Cheetah, Wonder Woman's origins, Chris motherfuckin' Pine, and Wonder Woman's wardrobe. Tangents include: how the hell to pronounce Gal Gadot's last name, great hair days of our pasts, Teen Mom 2, and watching from home vs watching in the theater.
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Fuck me, Santa! Lindsey and Leah share their feelings, fears, and Santa fetishes while they dish on 2003's Bad Santa. Billy Bob Thornton's Golden Globe-nominated performance as a career criminal mall Santa is peppered with so many delicious and dastardly moments. We've also got lots of love for Tony Cox, Bernie Mac, and John Ritter. Tangents include Lindsey's hate for youths and West County moms, best places to retire from a life of crime, mall Santa stories, favorite Christmas movies, and Fraggle stick car.
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Leah introduces Lindsey to Ang Lee's pastoral masterpiece Sense and Sensibility. Emma Thompson's Oscar-winning screenplay is based on Jane Austen's novel of the same name, so there's some discussion of Austen and the Austen hive. But of course, we turn our attentions to the great question asked by this film: Is it better to involve oneself in polite affections or to be consumed by fiery love affairs? Furthermore, Hugh Grant has never looked better, that bitch of a cunt of a bitch Fanny is a wonderful villain, and Alan Rickman's Colonel Brandon makes Willoughby look like a chump. Lastly, if you take anything away from this episode, let it be that piracy is our only option.
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The Lisbon sisters are a mysterious mystery to all the boys. Their parents are so strict! The youngest killed herself! And…they menstruate! Real talk: These girls are head-to-toe basic, from their messy bedrooms to their homemade prom dresses. Quiet, introspective Cecilia was the only one in the bunch worth a second look. Unfortunately, she's dead, and the others will follow suit like a bunch of lemmings over a cliff. Tangents include: first date stories, Sofia Coppola beefs, Kirsten Dunst beefs, and Josh Harnett's moley mole. *Tripp Fontaine whisper voice* You're a stone fox.
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