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Core recovery concept number four, and I think a fitting way to sign off in the final edition/episode of The Anxious Morning:
You can handle it. You always do ...
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Core principle number three I want to pass along as we wrap up The Anxious Morning is that when in doubt, doing the opposite can be a really useful guideline.
Sometimes this hits people like some kind of genius lightning bolt. Other times I get funny looks and head scratches. If you’re scratching your head and looking at me funny now, let me explain.
Most people will ask, “The opposite of what?” ...
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When I am asked for one thing I might say to anxious Drew if I could go back in time and talk to him, it would probably be this.
“Listen brother, everything is temporary. You just have to allow it to be.”
This is one of those core recovery principles that spills over into life too. Everything in the universe is transient and temporary. This includes the physical and/or emotional state of any person. It’s a pretty important feature in terms of the overall design of the universe, but we often overlook it and wind up fighting against it when we are struggling in recovery.
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I do believe the very first thing I ever posted on Instagram was this statement:
You can be afraid and safe at the same time.
Today I want to remind you that it is possible to be afraid and safe at the same time. Why am I including it as a core principle? ...
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“BUT HOW CAN I NOT CARE ABOUT THIS?!”
This is a question that I get asked again and again and again because I often say that I simply do not care if I panic now. Let me clarify and refine that statement. I do care. The difference between now and then - when I was at my worst - is that now I only care for a few seconds ...
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If you are hoping I might talk about something that more accurately reflects your personal experiences or situations, but I don’t, you’re still not broken or beyond hope. I kinda wanted to start today’s edition of The Anxious Morning by saying that.
Last night I made a silly video about health anxiety that acted out a conversation between someone and their health anxiety. It got lots of laughs and I can see that people really identified with the struggle. However, it was also pointed out in the comment section that some people really do wind up with health problems that doctors miss or misdiagnose. Clearly, and unfortunately, this is true. We can’t deny that. I’m always careful to point out that there is never 100% certainty about anything in life, including your health, because in the real world this kind of thing is possible. The point is that my post about one health anxiety experience left another health anxiety experience unrepresented. I don’t think this is limited to health anxiety, so let’s talk about it.
What I’m thinking about this morning is the fact that there is no perfect answer to every question that will apply to every person and every situation. Especially when you’re seeing mental health information and help online, there are constraints on the part of the person providing that information. Even the most well informed, well meaning and well educated content creators have to work within the framework provided by any given platform. This means that for me - when I hit that “post” button - I know that I am almost always leaving someone out of the conversation. I am leaving some experience unrepresented while I represent another.
Unfortunately, not every post, video, podcast episode, book, or whatever else can cover all possible personal experiences and situations. This is where we drop down from the realm of huge digital support systems into smaller in personal support systems or even individual therapy or counseling. Only in those much smaller and likely in-person contexts can we be sure that our personal experiences are being seen and taken into account.
Why is this important? It’s important because I do see people wind up angry, frustrated, hopeless, or all of those things sometimes when they see information that does not directly speak to their personal situation. That always kinda sucks to see. It’s totally understandable though. One of the reasons I don’t talk about medication for instance is that it is a very personal and emotional issue. People that have had terrible medication experiences have a very low tolerance for people that are pro-medication. People being helped by meds have a very low tolerance for negative medication stories and experiences. Who can blame anyone for this? Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, and validated. That’s no crime.
Especially when struggling and trying to find a way out of that struggle, hearing your personal experience represented in the discussion can go a long way. Hearing your personal experience overlooked can be impactful on an emotional and even a practical level.
Beyond practical issues - a French chef is simply not going to talk about Italian food - I don’t think anyone means to mislead or exclude people from mental health discussions. People who do what I do really want to help at least at some level. But we’re going to sometimes miss things and when we talk about one issue we’re almost guaranteed to leave out some particular aspect of that issue. Know that it doesn’t mean that we’re saying that there’s something wrong with you. I don’t think anyone is trying to invalidate people. If someone is making you feel bad because they continually leave out your experience, its OK to speak up or ask about that. When the audience gets really large it can be hard to to respond to every question or comment, but you can put your voice out there into the universe and be heard. Maybe others will hear it and respond to you. Maybe the content creator you’re addressing will hear you and think about what you’ve said. Maybe they can address your experience and situation once they see that it exists. I’ve done my best to incorporate that sort of thing into my message over time. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it falls short. We do the best we can.
Ultimately, try to remember that not hearing your specific situation addressed is not a reflection on you. You’re no more broken than anyone else. You’re as valuable and worthy of respect and acceptance as anyone else. You’re as capable as anyone else.
Above all, if anyone - including me - is making you feel bad about yourself because we’re leaving you out - and we don’t respond to your concerns - run! Even from me if you need to. I promise you won’t hurt my feelings if you do that. The Internet often sucks, but it is a big place with lots of people so there’s a good chance that you can find a place where your experience and situation is better represented.
Maybe someone will invent a digital content platform where we use quantum principles to fork every 90-second video into an infinite number of variations based on the particular situation of the viewer. That would be pretty awesome. I wonder if Elon Musk would ride in and make a mess of that too at some point?
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
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If you were listening to The Anxious Truth or following along with me on social media in 2016 you would have likely heard me use the letters C-B-T quite often. I would reference traditional CBT techniques like fact checking and thought challenging. Those are good things. I still dig them. But now you hear me saying slightly different things. I don’t talk about those more traditional techniques that often and when I do, it’s in a different context. You hear me talk more about psychological flexibility, acceptance, and tolerance of uncertainty far more these days. Why is this?
Well, things change. Research happens. Treatment types evolve. I’m often asked about what it means when I say “old school CBT” or “third wave” CBT. I thought today would be a good day to briefly go through the progression from “first wave” to “third wave” treatments when it comes to the problems we’re addressing together.
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You guys know that I’m a total nerd when it comes to these things, and I’ve been asked to address this a surprising number of times, so let’s look at how Stoic philosophy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are connected. You really can draw a line from Zeno of City to Aaron Beck if you take a few minutes...
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Just as we were about to hang up, my contractor friend said, “Hey, I appreciate you taking the call and coming out Wednesday.” That was nice, right. Except that’s not how he ended. He said something else.
“I know you don’t like to leave the house.”
Even writing this now triggers a reaction in me. Embarrassment. A sense of failure and failing ...
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I realized that in the 11+ months I’ve been writing The Anxious Morning, I really haven’t directly address the concepts of embarrassment and shame. Not everyone fears dying, insanity, or passing out. Some people struggling with panic and anxiety related issues fear the feelings of embarrassment or shame that they might encounter if people see them in an anxious state.
Let’s take a quick look at the difference between embarrassment and shame. I’d call them cousins. They’re related, but not the same...
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I know you guys wanted me to talk about my own experiences in these final few editions of The Anxious Morning. I’ve been trying to do that because I’m happy to share. This morning I want to share the experiences of others because part of the power of this platform is the ability to aggregate so many inspiring and encouraging stories.
Belief often - usually - comes AFTER acting. Call it acting “as if”. Call it faking it until you’re making it. Frame it any way you that helps you. That’s totally fine. But today, once you’re done framing it, look at some of these stories. Look at the common thread of disbelief and take some inspiration or encouragement from it ...
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Even for a fully recovered person, there can be challenges.
I often speak about how our psychological flexibility and resilience takes a hit when we’re under stress. Well last night I was a textbook example of how that works. I spent a good two hours or so struggling because I wound up in the center of a perfect storm of the crap that life sometimes throws at us ...
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When I talk about the need to be honest with ourselves when it comes to fatigue and taking breaks, I’m often asked what to do when you’re not sure if you’re tired or afraid.
Doesn’t it seem odd to not be able to identify what you’re feeling? I get it though. I had this issue. Many many people in our community have this issue. Anxiety and fear can get so cloudy and confusing that sometimes you just don’t know if want to crawl under the covers because you’re really tired, or because you’re just afraid or anxious.
If you find yourself facing this dilemma, know that you’re not alone. Let’s spend a few minutes to address this and to look for some basic strategies we can use when we’re in that “grey zone”. Please keep in mind that recovery is imperfect. We make mistakes. Sometimes what we do is more impactful, sometimes it is not. This is OK. Do not get caught in the “doing it right” trap. Before we can talk about what to do when you’re not sure what you’re feeling, you’ll have to accept that sometimes you might get it “wrong”, but that it’s totally OK to get it wrong. It’s how we learn.
This really speaks to the topic of self-compassion, which I think I will talk about next week, so stay tuned for that.
If my voice is in your head asking you if you’re really tired or just making an excuse to avoid … I’m sorry. I never plan to be a voice in anyone’s head, but evidently I am. Forgetting how annoying I can be at times, kudos to you for confronting that issue with or without me. When you start to see your avoidance more clearly (nobody sees it early on), you’re making progress. As crazy as this might sound, when you find yourself scratching your head because you can’t tell if you’re tired or afraid, pat yourself on the back. Think of the days when this was not a question because you’d already be on the sofa binging Netflix. Here you are NOT automatically doing that. Winning!
Now that you’ve pumped yourself up a bit, what next? You still don’t know if you’re tired and should rest, or afraid and trying to justify avoiding. What should you do? What I learned to do in those situations was to scale back and go from there. When I wanted to go lay on the sofa and fire up my TiVo (yes, that was a thing back then), I would go over a short list of little things I could do instead. They were often VERY little. Getting dressed. Showering. Making something to eat. Running the vacuum over the carpet in the living room. Walking around the block once. Sitting outside in the sun for 15 minutes. Maybe taking a 10 minute drive around the neighborhood. See how small these are?
I would pick one of those things and do it. Often this would clarify things for me. When I finished vacuuming (for example), I often found that I was actually not as “tired” as I thought I was. This often turned into doing a few more things on my short list. In some cases, this turned into a full day where I wasn’t on the sofa at all because I saw that I didn’t need to be. I had uncovered sneaky avoidance masquerading as fatigue. On other days, I would take a short walk around the block and discover that I really was pretty tired so I would take a break. Sometimes that break was an hour or two, sometimes I might actually fall asleep and it turned into almost a full day off (I had always done my driving exposure in the morning).
On some days I wound up on the sofa for two hours only to discover that I really wasn’t all that tired. Did I beat myself up for getting it wrong? Nope. That’s not usually an issue for me, so please don’t make that mistake. You’re gonna get it wrong sometimes like everyone else. This is not a crime and you did not just ruin your recovery. I promise, you didn’t. When I got it wrong, I’d get up and get on with my day as best I could. Those days counted too because I learned something in those moments and took those lessons with me.
I think the summary here is that especially in the early days of recovery when avoidance habits are still strong, we try to err on the side of not automatically running for the comforter and the fuzzy slippers. Might you wind up pushing yourself a bit this way? You might, but that’s why I say to use a short list of small things to do in these situations. If you find that you are pushing into exhaustion or really tired territory, you can stop and go rest.
It’s OK to not be sure if you’re tired or anxious. Days like that help to teach us what we need to learn. They give us experiences that we need to have. When in your life did you ever think you’d have to work on identifying a basic state like “tired”? I bet never, right? So give yourself a break (no pun intended). Disordered anxiety throws all kinds of monkey wrenches and complications into the mix. Working through those is part of the process, so just do the best you can.
Have a good weekend. I’ll see you on Monday.
“But you might as well bid a man struggling in the water, rest within arm's length of the shore! I must reach it first, and then I'll rest.” - Emily Brontë, “Wuthering Heights”
Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy them.
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When I wrote “No breaks, no days off”, I was speaking directly to the critical need to break the avoidance cycle. The words I chose seem harsh and absolute in nature. If you read them literally - and why wouldn’t you - you would think that you must never take a break or a day off in recovery. You might decide that your job is to be recovering 24/7 without stopping. If you’ve read those words and come to this conclusion, or wondered why on Earth I would write that or say that … I’m sorry. Really. That was a really bad choice of words on my part. If I could magically a do a find and replace on the tends of thousands of copies of those books that are out in the world, I would totally do that. I would change those phrases today...
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You know what appears to make distance between thoughts and reactions, but isn’t so damn “brain expensive”? Talking about yourself in the third person. In chapter four of Chatter, Kross talks about his research into what happens when people are coached to talk about themselves in the third person when reflecting on states of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. He calls this “distanced self-talk”. The research they did showed that people that used this third person distanced self-talk experienced lower levels of distress when in anxious situations, ruminated less about anxious experiences, and were better able to objectively define the true level of threat in those experiences.
Pretty cool, and likely useful in our context, right?
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Those were in many cases the days where at the end of driving around and sitting/walking in mostly empty parking lots I felt like a total superhero.
That was such a good feeling!
When you find that feeling, enjoy it. Savor it. Let it show you that you are capable of feeling strong and able and that change is possible. I remember recording myself - talking to myself - on a few of those mornings. I wanted to capture those moments so I could come back to them later when I needed to. I will admit that sometimes I tried really hard to find ways to make that badass unbreakable feeling last in an unnatural way. That didn’t ever really work out that well because I was trying to force an emotional state, but if you’re doing that, I see you and I do not blame you for trying ...
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... in the second session with this particular therapist, she took the experiences I told her about in the first session - panic attacks, anxiety symptoms, a growing sense of pointlessness, increasing difficulty in being home alone, intrusive thoughts about being poisoned, etc. - and glued them directly to my parents’ divorce. She explained that I was probably afraid to be left alone because I was abandoned by my father. She told me I was having panic attacks because I never fully processed and healed from the pain of the divorce. She explained that my obsessive thoughts about my food being poisoned were really just a manifestation of deep unresolved pain that had to be expressed.
OK then. When I asked why I did not have panic attacks for almost ten years between my first go-around and this one, she talked about subconscious processes and repression as a defense mechanism. When I told her that that did not resonate with me in any way and that it didn’t seem right, she told me that my response was just part of that same defense mechanism ...
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Many of you asked me to talk about finding hope, so let’s do that.
Today I want to look at hope in two contexts. Hope can make an appearance at the micro level in a given moment where you are concerned about immediate outcomes. “I hope I do not die right now” is a perfect example of how we might incorporate the concept of hope into the anxiety struggle. But that’s not the context that I think matters most. I want to examine hope on the macro level in recovery ...
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Did I ever tell you about the time I literally spent three full hours standing at my front door, trying to get myself to open the door and step out? Well, let me tell you about it now. It was quite the scene.
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When we are struggling and find ourselves in a challenging situation, we are often engaged in a slew of thinking all designed to answer one basic question:
“How will I get out of this?”
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