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• Yeah, and so it's about loving yourself enough to know your value and to leave your situation when you know it's not good for you, or not getting into a situation that you know is a huge red flag. There's a couple of funny memes that I've seen that are hilarious one is perfect for Valentine's day, because this guy is holding a dozen red flags and she goes, 'Oh a dozen red flags, I love him so much', and then there's another one where he says 'Good morning beautiful'. And she says, 'Take me off rotation'. (8:05)
• When that happens, I think is a very important to know what to do. So I think a lot of times people don't do anything because they don't know what to do, they either cut bait and go or they don't do anything. So I think the important thing is to tell people what do you do at that point. Well, that's where communication skills come in, you have to know how to open your mouth and speak. And you know what? It may be a little scary to communicate with someone, especially someone you only just started knowing. I'm like, Listen, first of all, you have to have healthy boundaries. And you have to know what those are. If your boundary is, I need to be respected, like say someone stood you up on a date or something like that. That's probably a boundary. You carve out your time for that person, they decide the last minute they're not going or something, and they act like it's no big deal, that's a red flag. And it's something that needs to be addressed now. (12:40)
• There's so much integrity in realizing, Okay, we're not a match. I tell people, 'You're not dating to make it a match, you're dating to see if it is one, and so even when you go through break ups and such, and I've had episodes about breakups, sometimes you complete a relationship and it's about the two people realizing, Okay, this is not working, this is not going to be... We're not compatible for whatever reason, and sometimes they're very difficult. But as long as you do look and realize, Okay, there's lessons to be learned from here in this relationship, and you take those to heart and you go on in the future and say, Okay, now I know what I need and what I want, and hopefully the other person does too, and you help each other grow... What is better than that? I mean, that's what we all want to do. So you're not forcing it to be a match... I think some people get in a relationship and think I have to make this work, I have to... I have to... And they're just like, beating their head against the wall. What's the point of that? (19:33)
• I was married for 20 years and you were married for a long time, we have an our story from it, right? We have our experience from it, so do our spouses are ex's. They have their story and what they learned from it, neither is wrong or right to be honest. It's what we both needed. But whenever I was married, my life felt like, my soul that like, I was like dead. So I felt like my life was being sucked out of me, and I don't blame that on my ex, it's just the relationship wasn't meant to continue. He didn't suck the life out of me, it was the relationship that was no longer serving me...or him. And so I had to make the decision, I had to be strong enough and listen to that gut feeling, listen to my inner voice saying, 'You are not supposed to be here anymore, get out. (22:44)
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• Another thing that will be done if it's toxic love-bombing is mirroring the person. They will mirror everything that you say, and so when you're getting to know someone and you're talking about your commonalities and your interest, it'll seem like you have every single thing in common. And a lot of times, you will have things in common, but if every single thing is the same, it may seem like, Wait a minute, how is this even possible? Your favorite food is their favorite food, your favorite music, is their favorite music, and that kind of thing. In the beginning, it's kind of important not to just divulge every that you know about yourself to the person, you need to know them a little bit before you tell them everything, because then they can just mirror everything back to you, and that's another tactic. (04:15)
• And then Claims of being a soulmate after a very short amount of time and neediness, not respecting boundaries. If you say you're going to go out with your friends, you're going to do something different, they're going to have to maybe entertain themselves or find something else to do, and they're not okay with that, it's just not going over... Well, that's another sign. And then kind of an uneasy feeling within yourself, just not feeling like this is right, you need to trust that sort intuition. They also might have an issue with gifts over the top, over the top gestures. Dozens of bouquets of flowers instead of one, or expensive plane tickets for a vacation. Or not taking no for an answer when you're like, No, no, no, I don't think that's appropriate. Or maybe an expensive piece of jewelry or a watch or something like that, they like to gain control and kind of create a sense of obligation on your part. (05:33)
• So individually, those phrases on their own, they're not necessarily harmful, but all together, all of these things together could be a big sign that you're being love-bombed. So it's something to pay attention to because it could be a sign of toxicity. This doesn't last forever. This phase of the relationship, if you stay less until they begin to value you, which is another stage of it, it actually ends up in abusive situation, which is at least emotional abuse. You can tell if they're love bombing you, if they're just doing a lot of these things all together, and it's really about control and creating dependency. (6:54)
• If you're feeling like you might be being love-bombed, you can try to set clear and healthy boundaries, maybe refuse the gifts, limit the time you spend together, and just respond to the texts at your own pace, and then kind of communicate that you don't want to rush into things and then see how they respond. If they respond in a healthy way, then that's a really good sign because sometimes it's not necessarily that, but you just want to make sure that you are doing your due diligence, because it could go south really quickly if that indeed is what's happening. So I know that it doesn't always happen like it does in the movies, in fact, very, very rarely, and if it does or if it is, it could be a sign of toxicity. (08:37)
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• I would just kind of snack and it wasn't always healthy snacks. And then I would drink wine. I would just grab this, grab that, eat some chips and dips, call it dinner. And then I started going out with friends as I made friends, eating out, things like that. So, you know, I packed on pounds here and there 5, 10, 15, 20. So by the time 2020 hit, I was about 20 pounds up from when I had got divorced, which really wasn't, it was like the top of my weight range, but it wasn't overweight. I was almost overweight, but not really. So then COVID hit and I had just moved to an apartment. And so needless to say, that was when I really got into health crisis with myself. (03:39)
• We went to Vegas and I knew I was overweight there, but it was no big deal. I mean, it was on my mind, but then we went to Cabo together, Jeff and I did. And I think I put it on another five pounds there because it was all inclusive. And we were there for like nine days. I didn't dare weigh myself, but I knew I was big. I just felt so out of place. I felt it was at one time at a resort that I was just like, I am like, I'm the fat girl. I just felt horrible about myself. (6:19)
• And now I integrated the health coaching program that I lost weight on into my coaching practice so that I can help people that are struggling with their health. It's not just about weight loss. It's a lot about mindset and all the healthy habits that are incorporated into your health. It's about setting you up for long-term success because I got there for some reason, for many reasons, I got to that place where I was unhealthy and a lot of it, or my emotions and the eating, not having sleep habits, eating habits, drinking enough water, all the things that go into it. All the individual healthy habits that do go into your health, they affect not only your weight, but they also affect your emotions, which in turn affect your relationships. (08:21)
• We need to pay attention, your physical health and your emotional health are tied together so closely. They're interwoven and you can't pay attention to one without paying attention to the other. So I just was so determined to gain mastery over my weight over this thing, that it just was all consuming. At that point, I was like, I have to get ahold of this. And I did. And now it feels amazing to have melted the fat off my body. And now it's not a distraction. It's not a hindrance. It's something that doesn't bog me down. (09:14)
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• A lot of times, like you spend months, if not years, contemplating like, Am I gonna go or I'm gonna stay... There are even coaches out there that are... Should I Stay or Should I Go coaches? And I'm one of those that I will never tell a client what to do, I help them to decide for themselves what's best for them, and be introspective as what their part is, and if they can show up in a different way so that the relationship will improve. Because many times, if they just show up better and in a more healthy way, the relationship can improve, but it can only improve if both parties want it to. And if both people are willing to show up in a way that is healthy and beneficial for the relationship. (2:29)
• So sometimes a relationship can last a couple of months and then you realize that sometimes it can last a couple of years, sometimes a couple of decades before you realize this is not working, and honestly, it's better to realize that before it becomes completely toxic. Because sometimes you realize it and you start resenting the other person like, Why isn't it working out, why isn't it compatible? Why isn't it aligning with what I want it to be? And many times it comes from both sides, so Conscious Uncoupling is a book, and it's also a program, and it's written by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and it's really great for anyone suffering from a heart that is hurting from a loss of a love relationship. If you're in the midst of a break-up, if you're struggling with unresolved pain from the past, I mean it could have been a decade ago and you're still hurting from that relationship ending, or you're not sure if you are wanting to stay or go. It's something that you might want to think about doing, you might want to think about reading the book, or you might want to think about getting with a coach and exploring conscious uncoupling. (4:31)
• I think we see these fairytales and this happily ever after scenario, and we think, Well, if it doesn't go that way, then it's bad and it was never meant to be, and I should be angry about it, or be bitter about it. Why not look at it a different way? Why don't we look at it as, You know what, what can I value about that time that I had with that person? What do I appreciate about them and how they helped me grow, or the memories we created together, and maybe even the children we created together, and who did I become that I could never have become had it not been for them being in my life? And if you really change your perspective and reframe it in that way, it opens up a whole new part of you and part of your heart and allows you to see things very, very differently. I think if everybody took that approach, people would be walking around with a lot less baggage than they are now, and they'd be able to go into their next relationship a lot lighter, freer and ready to open their heart for love. (6:34)
• I want to challenge you today, if you're feeling stuck from a past relationship that you've held on to because you thought you never wanted it to end or you're holding on to resentment, if you could just release those resentments and maybe write down the things that you're grateful for in that relationship, that's a first step. And I definitely encourage you to pick up the book or order it on Amazon, Conscious Uncoupling, and read it and understand it. Or, you can get it on Audible and listen to it, and it will open up your mind and it will open up your heart. There's definitely more love to have out there in the world, and there's more people for you to love. I've seen this quote, and it says, 'You've not met all the people that are going to love you yet', and you surely haven't. (8:29)
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• I had parties with friends where we'd sit around and just cut out magazine's words that we liked and pictures that we liked and things that we wanted to manifest or attract in our lives, and put those on the board. And it's crazy because when you do that and then you put it in a place where you see it every day, a lot of those things will actually come to fruition, by how you look forward to the new year and wanting to create some new things. Maybe you want to have a healthier lifestyle, maybe you would like to change some things that you're doing, maybe enjoy life more, maybe you want to have changes in relationships. I just want to encourage you that if you're first seeing it in your mind or feeling it in your heart that you want to change things, the next thing you need to do is really just take a step forward to do it. (3:21)
• It's really targeted for singles... Mostly singles that have been through a divorce. But it could even be for singles that have been single for a long time. Maybe they've been through some failed relationships or some completed relationships, as I like to call them, not just failed. But anyway, we're going to be really helping them learn to love their life as an individual, and as I do that, getting them ready and prepared to then step into a partnership with someone, if that's their desire. It's great for anyone who's maybe been stuck in a cycle, the cycle dating of the same kind of people. They're not sure why these patterns keep coming up, and they would like to get out of that rut. If that's you or someone that is looking to be introspective and see what their part has been in the relationships that have not succeeded and really wanting to identify patterns that are no longer serving them, and we're going to help you do that. (4:33)
• Find me on Facebook, find me on Instagram, Richele Batt. You can find Rex Romander on Facebook as well, and either one of us, you can ask for any of the details. It's going to be a six-week course to begin with as we create our full curriculum, and is at a discount price at this time. So you want to get in now while you can be grandfathered into this, because we're going to be expanding and enriching everything as we go along. But go ahead and find us, and we are going to be doing twice weekly live Zoom calls that will be recorded and they'll be in the evenings. Whatever is best for our students. And then we're going to have every other week, both men and women in a classroom, so that we can all discuss. We're going to have an opportunity for our students to submit questions ahead of time so that we really know what is on the heart and minds of our students. (7:19)
• We'd love to answer any questions that you have in regards to that class and starting your new year off right! And if you're single and if you are tired of the dating that you've experienced, the relationships you've experienced, if you're not sure if you're in a toxic one... I can help you with that, that's my specialty. We just want to really have a safe, healthy place for people to discover about loving their life as a single person. (8:11)
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• When I went through my divorce, where I really found this part was, you're so used to spending that time together as a family, and then you no longer have that, and that's where you really get that feeling of missing that family feeling during the holidays. And so your first few holidays are... Especially for me, especially when I didn't have my kids. It's really hard for me, but it was a hard adjustment. And the older you get and the longer you do it, the more you realize, it's just okay, it's just... It's a day that's created, but it doesn't have to dictate what day you get to spend with your kids. If I don't have a Christmas morning with my kids, most people, they really struggle with this the first time. And at the end of the day, it's just a day that's created for you to get to spend time with your kids, so... Christmas might have to be on the 27th this year. Right? That's okay. It's not about actually being on the 25th, it's about the time you get to have with your kids. (3:17)
• A same thing like when I got done with my divorce, when you're a parent, you are like your whole life revolves around your kids and family. The person you actually developed the least amount of time for is yourself. And so when I became single for the first time, it was one of those moments of like, man, like what do I do? Well, I have no idea what to do with my time and for myself, and it was actually the greatest thing that ever happened to me, as far as really getting out to get to know myself, not just What are my hobbies? What's my favorite color? Whatever... it was more about, who am I as a person, and what were some things that I could have done better that I didn't, that I need to improve on? And need to work on. So it really gives you time to do, not just find your interest and hobbies and what you like, but truly find out who am I. (5:02)
• They are where they are, but they're remaining where they were, or they won't go on from where they were, they keep reminiscing and keep bringing it up and it's just... You could tell that they're stuck on it. It's a place in limbo where they're so maybe bitter or angry or hurt or heartbroken, and they're just stuck there in this place of limbo because they're not going forward, they're not going back, or they're just stuck there. It is such an ugly place to be, and eventually you have to hit a point again. (9:54)
• That's kind of our starting point. We want to really try to help people that are looking to get a new start on the new year, it maybe they've been stuck in limbo and they're tired of it, and they hit a point... Now, I remember I was working with a woman, she was kind of talking to me, and you could tell by the way she was talking to me that she really wasn't ready for change, she really just wanted somebody to listen. I kind of told her that I said, I'll be honest with you, I don't feel like you're ready. Because people that are ready, they're done, they are so sick and tired of where they are or hurting or being sad, they're done, they want it to end, and that's when they're ready for a change, they just want so bad to be out of that. And that's really when people want to make that, truly make that change to start being happy again, to start seeing that there's other things out there and learning to love themselves and be happy being alone. (16:00)
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• I think that's why it's so difficult. And when you do lose someone around this time of year, just having to say goodbye to them, it's just all that more difficult. So for me, in 2007, we lost many, many loved ones for our family, personally, we lost nine in less than a year. It started with my grandfather in September, followed by my brother's best friend, his wife passed away, and then my cousin died in a tragic accident right after Thanksgiving, and then my parents very best friends and their mom, the grandmother in a home explosion, and then their son who had injuries in the explosion passed away right after that. And then two more people. And so that year was really horrible, but especially around the Christmas time and the triple funeral on Christmas Eve, it was really devastating, and it was surreal to be there. (3:35)
• I was grateful for what I had in that moment. It was very difficult. And so that's another thing. And also for the children of divorced parents, for my children, for all those children out there, even if you're an adult and your parents get divorced, and that's becoming more common, unfortunately, people that have been married 30 plus years, and your parents are getting divorced. That's heartbreaking. You live your entire life with these people that you love and then they split up and then you're forced to deal with that, and so that can be really difficult as well, and then you're trying to help them with their emotions as an adult child, and also splitting your time up between your parents, so I know that's really another thing that can be very painful. (7:33)
• So there's a practice I do with my clients, it's called the inner sanctuary of safety, where you pay attention to yourself and you acknowledge your emotion, and you ask yourself, What am I feeling? And you name your feeling... And then you ask yourself, What do I need? After you name a few of your feelings that you're feeling and your needs may be as simple as, I need a hug, I need a nap, I need to take a walk, I need to get outside, I need to breathe some fresh air. It might be, I need to something I'm hungry, I ignoring myself. But even if it's not as simple as a small self-care practice, even if it's, I really need some new friends, or I really need to speak with a counselor or something larger that it's going to take a little bit of time to address, just acknowledging your emotions and validating them and speaking your needs to yourself is enough to help yourself and soothe yourself in the moment instead of ignoring your feelings and needs. (10:36)
• Just do something new, and maybe if you have other people in your life, invite them to do it with you so that you can start making new memories and be grateful for each and every moment you have, be grateful for each and every person that's been put in your life now, so that you don't miss the gifts you have in this moment, because you can get stuck in grief, even though we do need to go through it, we do need to honor our emotions, you don't want to get stuck where you're not appreciating what you do have now and the people that you've been given now. So just keep that in mind as well and know that you're absolutely not alone, there are other people out there. (13:29)
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• There are some that are more for serious relationships, people that are really looking for a long-term relationship or something permanent, and those are... Match.com is probably the number one app, or they have a app and they also have a website, and then there's E-Harmony, and you'll see the commercials for these more marriages or long-term relationships, and then there's Elite singles was also listed as one of the ones where there's more long-term relationships on there, and then there are some apps, very well-known for hook-ups, and what a hook up is, if you're not familiar, is just, Hey, let's just meet and... It's just a one night thing. (3:58)
• So on Facebook dating, a lot of times you can see their Facebook profile, which you know tells a good amount about somebody, and sometimes people do have public profiles or part of it is public, so you can see, you know at least a fair amount about them. So I know people that have dated on Facebook dating too, so it is interesting how a lot of people, they say, Oh, I just love to meet my person in the grocery store, that would be ideal if I could just meet them organically. But the truth is, we are living in such a busy culture, and especially in the past couple of years, we're living in more of a digital culture and digital age. (6:36)
• Another option is using a matchmaking service that will actually find matches for you and find dates for you. And so these services are gaining more popularity more recently, and people pay big money not to have to go through the trouble of getting on the app and making a profile and talking to people, and they just want it done for them. And so for busy professionals, they will pay anywhere from $1000, around that amount to $10,000 and up for this service to be done for them to get the matches, to get them dates all the way to setting up the date for them, so that all they have to do is just go out on dates with people that are a perfect match for them. These match services are all over the country, in all the major cities, and there's all kinds of services, and a lot of people are meeting that way as well. (8:07)
• I've also met a lot of friends on dating apps because I would go out and there would be like a major friendship chemistry, but not a romantic connection, and we've become friends, and so that happens too. And I've talked to a lot of people like that too. And another thing, I think if you listen to my episode on 'After divorce, how I created what I needed', I explained that on the Bumble app, there is a BFF portion, and I don't know if any of the other apps have this, but you can find friends on there... And I don't know if guys do this, but it's especially helpful for women that are looking for friends, a lot of times, an adult life, it's hard to find friends as an adult, unless you're involved in a lot of activities or community. (10:29)
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• I love so many things, I love being in this closet for one thing. So fashion is one of my things, and that's what inspired me to create the Coaching Closet. When I was going through coaching certification because, well, for one thing, I shared an office with my love and he works out of our home too, and I was like, that's not going to work when I'm doing one-on-one coaching with people and get into some pretty serious topics. And they don't want to be talking about that in front of somebody else. Yeah and he just chimes in and says, can I offer you some advise? And there like, who's that? And you say, I don't know, some random dude that's in my office. So I was like, Well, this is my favorite room in the whole house anyway.(3:05)
• That's good that you recognize it. I do, it's all about awareness and recognizing there's a problem. Yeah, I had to do that when I had to get readers, accept that my eyes were no longer perfect and I had to get readers and that was really quite... It's still challenging. You accept it, I had to get trifocals. So yeah. It's alright, I got cute ones. As long as you get cute ones and you rock it, you accept that it's going on and you just rock it out the best of your ability, then you're good. Yeah, I can do without, but I obviously see so much better with them. Yeah, definitely, it's like Christmas miracle. (10:22)
• Okay, so speaking of shopping, like who's doing Black Friday? There was Black Friday all week, there's today's small business Saturday, and then Monday is Cyber Monday. Well, this is probably going to broadcast later, but that's when we're recording it. I mean people are going crazy with their sales. They are, it's like... They have them all the time now. It was pre-Black Friday all week, and I got some really good deals before Thanksgiving. I was like, Wow, this is amazing, so I got a lot of Christmas shopping done. And if you want something, you can get a really good deals. (22:42)
• I was talking about how Victoria is one of those friends I ask for advice, and she doesn't always tell me what I want to hear, she sometimes is like, Wow, what about the other person? Or what about when I ask relationship advice? And so that's a good thing because it helps me self-reflect and see my part and then see that person's perspective, and that's what we all need to do in our relationships. See what is our part, and what I say in coaching is, What's your 3%? And that's really the only way we can change the world, a lot of times recently, I was just talking about this with my family, people like to point the finger and other people, and they're really accusatory, and that just doesn't get us anywhere. We want to change the world, we need to look at ourselves first, like what can we do to help community? To change our world? To change your communities? It starts with this and our little fear of influence and then rippling out, it's a ripple effect, but it has to start with you. (29:08)
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• Because you know it's like aligning with it and knowing that you deserve it, and knowing that God will give it to you and that you are fully worthy of the future that you intend for your life. That you are fully worthy of love, the love that you are desiring, that the love that you are intending, and the life that you want to create. And you're just standing in that gratitude and so thankful that it's happening for you, and so if you are just going to be grateful for that, you're going to act as if it's already happened for you, and so you live your life thinking about it, and going around the smile on your face like, wow, I'm so grateful for this because it's already happening in my life, and as you do that, and as my clients do that, they start attracting different things, they started tracking positive people into their life. (2:50)
• So those are the types of things that I ask my clients. How would you behave differently if you already had all the things that you wanted? Then you would behave now. So make those shifts now and already be thankful for those things and walking in gratitude for those things that you are wanting to create the vision of your life that you already have. Be grateful, and so be it. I am grateful that I have a great love in my life, I'm grateful that I'm successful, I'm grateful that I am happy and healthy, that I have wonderful friends. This is what the law of attraction is about, it's about visioning something for your life and having an intention for your life and then... living as if you already have it. (4:15)
• What emotions do you experience? We really put yourself in that place with that person, maybe it's a person that you're wanting to be with, having a love, maybe it's friendships that you're craving or desiring, maybe it's pursuing a certain kind of education or a job. Maybe you are wanting to learn a new skill, or have a new hobby or travel, what does it feel like to be there to actually be there? What kind of thrill would you fill in your body and what of things are you experiencing, and once you feel those, it becomes real to you, and that's when you can really know that this is possible for you and you can feel that gratitude. So if you can feel it now, you could already be there. (5:43)
• Take that time to dream a little dream and experience the gratitude... It's so powerful. So do that with yourself. I really hope you can not only be thankful for what you have now, but we think before you have in the future and experience attracting better, bigger things for yourself. (6:31)
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• I started crying and feeling sorry for myself, mainly because this year, I don't know if you've heard my weight loss story on a different episode, but I lost a bunch of weight and I was ready to really start exercising and lifting weights. I haven't been doing that, well for the last couple of months because my shoulder has been hurting and I haven't been able to do the things I want to do, so it's just a set back and it's made me feel old in my 40s. But I'm a grandma and I'm in my 40s and I don't feel old until now, and I don't like it. I just started feeling sorry for myself. It makes me realize that I need to feel grateful for the times when I do feel good. (01:58)
• Most likely, I'll be fine. So I'm just kind of turning that around and making myself realize I need to really be grateful for the things that I can do, and be grateful that this is something that can be fixed, and it gives me perspective. Another thing that I thought about is that, I'm going to learn from this, because I am one of those people that doesn't really slow down unless I'm forced to. And so I thought, Okay, this is one of those times that I'm forced to slow down. So I will have to slow down, especially if I have to have surgery or something. You don't have to just have time to sit and think, do things that require something sedentary, which completely sucks, because I don't like that. I like to be on the go, to travel, to do stuff. (3:37)
• So, okay, what's God, the universe and a the powers that would be trying to teach me. So I'm just going to soak that in and take that time. And so, if you're facing something similar, where it's not something that you would have chosen or a path that you're really liking right now, that you're happy about, but something that you're kind of forced to do, just take the moment to say to yourself, What can I learn, what can I glean in the midst of this? That is good for me, and it can be good for you and it can teach you. It can make you into a better person in the long run, and I know that this will do that for me, and it will also help me depend on other people and help me be thankful for them and thankful for how others can show me that I'm loved. (04:29)
• So just the little things like that, that you can learn in the midst of feeling sad. You have to go through something that can really help you understand the blessings in life, that alone showed me things that I can be grateful for. So, I just wanted to share that with you today, that in my pity party, kind of over the last week, I've been feeling down about it. When you're in pain, it's just no fun when you can't really brush your hair that well and you know it's like, Oh, this completely sucks. There are still lessons, there are still deeper truths that you can get out of that is, something to be grateful for. (5:38)
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• So we will just look for someone to take the holiday parties or just kind of a casual date or to have to take to Christmas parties, like if I'm just looking for a holiday, I'm looking for someone that can be my go-to person. You might have a company Christmas parties, you might have family Christmas parties, and you just don't want to go alone, so people tend to socialize either a lot less around holidays or a lot more... It depends, it depends on your employment situation, your family situation. So it can be a time of great pressure. (02:29)
• I even remember being invited to parties, but not being able to bring someone because I didn't have a boyfriend, so being told you can't bring a date because you don't have a boyfriend, so don't just bring a new date. And I was like, Okay, so I just had to go and be around all these couples by myself. It was really awkward, you know, it's just like... I don't know what's more awkward is if I had had a new date, at least I would had someone to share that time with, or just being there by myself. Being newly divorced and I was there the year before, I was with someone, with my ex-husband, so it's really crazy, holidays can be emotional, and whether or not you're in a relationship. (5:01)
• And there are so many people out there that are just in a situation where they're kind of looking for someone right now and wanting to find a person to go through cuffing season with, because it is the most awkward time, the few months where there's Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and then coming up on Valentine's Day and what to do if you're single. All these different occasions where you don't have someone all the way to Valentine's Day, New Years, it's crazy how so much is focused on being a part of a couple. And I didn't really understand that until I was single. I was with someone from the time I was 18 till the time I was 42, so I was unaware of this predicament, so it's crazy how important it seems in our society to be a part of a couple, and if you're not... It's like you kind of stand out like a sore thumb. I just want tp bring awareness to that to maybe be inclusive of singles. (06:10)
• I think people actually get together and last through the cuffing season. I try to look up a percentage of people that get together around October or September, and actually stay together. I really couldn't find the percentage, but maybe it's a good time to explore that and see if you can find the one that would be a good match for you, and not just a temporary match. It's a good test to see if you can make it through all of those holidays and possibly even meet family, because if you can get along with someone's family, then I think that's a good test to see if you are a match for someone. (7:42)
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• I remember I didn't want the divorce, and so I started in, how could I try to change her mind? What could I do to make her not want to go through with the divorce? And so I was like, Well, maybe if I had her read a book. So I started researching all these books and I found one that I liked online and it had a newsletter I could subscribe to. So I subscribed to it in the very first email I get says, do not purchase this book with the intent to have your partner read it... And I was like, Oh my gosh, I was totally being manipulative, it totally busted me in that process of it, and so of course, now I got to purchase the book, so I purchased this book and I'm reading through it in about chapter three or four really started to hit home with stuff that we had gone through as a couple in our relationship, and I can remember I actually had two highlighters and I had a yellow one for her, so when I'm reading, it is something she did. Of course, you're mad at this time too, so it's like, Oh, that's totally hurt. Right? And you're highlighting it. Yeah, I had an orange one for myself, and so that was me. I was like, Okay, I'm guilty of that. That's me, and so I would highlight it. And by the time I got down at the end of the book, what I realized there was more orange than yellow, and it started to do really make you realize like, Man, there's so many things I didn't do in this relationship that I should have. (05:07)
• Honestly, even from teaching and coaching other people's kids and to raising your own kids, there's so many things that come into all of that and the relationships teaches you a lot... There are so many things that would be hard, honestly, to pinpoint any one thing in particular, I would definitely say probably kids more than anything else as far as... Because there's so many aspects of how do I want my daughter to be treated, what do I expect of my son to treat a young lady at the other end of that understanding being a parent, the frustrations, and it's like the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. I get the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. So yeah, probably more so kids than anything, but I'm teaching other people's kids, other people's kids for so long, and in every relationship seems like you learn something new too, so...right, I think it's awesome. (9:20)
• And another one you run into is, Does she have kids? Someone else might not want someone that has kids, but they really like her, but they're not being honest themselves, like, Am I really ready to take that responsibility with this woman and add or children to my life? Am I really ready for that? Do I truly want that? Because if I don't, I'm wasting her time in finding someone that does, and I'm wasting my time on finding someone that has what I'm looking for. But so many people won't be honest with themselves, and the problem... When you can't be honest with yourself, you're never going to be honest with anybody else...That's so true. That's so true with my clients, I sit in with the program I do with calling in the one we have an intention and then we have a detailed... Like, This is what I want. And anything that doesn't line up with that. It's a no. It's just a no. (12:55)
• Well, the biggest problem I know is this, nobody ever wants to commit because there's so many options... Right? It's funny because everybody has an option A, there's like... That's the person I would love to be with. And so they always have an option B or an option C, maybe even an option D, if they're really bored. But they never commit, you don't want to commit to oprion B, that might be perfect for you, might be a great guy, because they're holding out. Because what if I commit to option B and I'm not going to be available, and I don't want to commit to B when I still want A. (15:56)
• If you could give a message to the world, what would it be like, what would your message to the world be? The biggest one I honestly, as mental health, I actually, I made a post about it today, the things that we show people on our social media are the things that we're proud of and that we like about ourselves, the things that we don't show people on our social media, the things that we don't like about ourselves or that were embarrassed of. That's the things that we either have to work to improve on, or those are things that we have to learn to love about ourselves and embrace about ourselves, because that's really where mental health is, where struggle with who we are as someone, and typically that's our flaws. Typically the things that we don't like about ourselves, we always have certain things that we may like about ourselves, but there's a lot of aspects that we don't... Especially when we're younger and learning to understand, it's one of the things I talk to our kids about is, you can't be anybody else. I'm only as tall as I can be, I'm only whatever. I'm as fast as I can be, I can't do anything different. Someone is going to be taller, somebody is ging to be stronger, somebody's going to be fast, or somebody's going to be pretty, or something is going to be whatever else it is, and you can't be them, and that's okay. But what you can be is the very best version of you. (20:15)
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• Months and months went by and nothing was happening. I was not conceiving. So about month nine or 10, we went to my regular doctor and I just said, Hey, I've been trying to get pregnant and it's not happening very fast, so they put me on a three-month round of Clomid, which is a pharmaceutical drug that helps the body to produce eggs and it helps in the infertility process. Sometimes it's all you need to do is take a little bit of that. I'm not a doctor or scientist, but I do know that you do produce more eggs, sometimes you get twins with that. So I got on this drug, and I will just tell you for anyone that's been on this, I don't know if it affects everyone in the same way but it made me so hormonal, it was like having PMS times 10000, I'm talking, crying fits like depression, feeling really down, highs and lows. It was pretty nuts, and I was saying, this better work, because this is making me crazy. (02:09)
• But after lots of blood work, blood tests and all kinds of tests, what I had was unexplained secondary infertility. So, my husband was tested, I was tested, and there was no reason that they could find that I wasn't getting pregnant. That was even more frustrating for me because there's no reason. There's not a whole lot you can do about it. So another year went by and I still wasn't pregnant, and the hard part about secondary infertility that is different than, I guess having it to begin with is, that we already had a child, so people automatically ask questions. I know that people don't mean to hurt anyone when they're asking very innocent questions like, Oh, when are you going to have another one, and when are you going to give her a brother or sister? I mean, when you're involved in your social group is all families and you're already involved with other moms and kids, it's something that just comes up. You're usually friends with those other moms that have the kids the same age as yours, and so they start getting pregnant again after two, three, four years of having the last child, especially if it's their first, many people have another one, and so pregnancy is everywhere. (4:47)
• And another thing I struggle with is, am I being selfish? I already have one child, how dare I ask for another when there's so many people that can't even have one, so I struggle with that. But there was something deep inside of me that knew I was meant to have another one, it just was a longing that I couldn't get rid of... And so my prayer was then, Okay, Lord, if this is what is meant for me, or if it's not meant for me, please take the desire away. If it's meant for me, just show me where to go, because I was getting frustrated and I really was hoping that the desire would either go away or I would just get pregnant. Because it was like, I was in this cycle where I couldn't think about anything else every day, it was just everywhere. So finally we decided to do some infertility treatments, and what we did was... It's called IUI intrauterine insemination, and they just have a process of giving you the medication to make sure that you ovulate, so I was back on the clomid again, which made me crazy again. (07:42)
• And I got in the shower, and that morning I was going to a meeting with other moms of pre-schoolers and I was just like, This sucks so bad, I don't even want to be around these other moms, they're all pregnant. When I got out of the shower, something told me that I should look at the test again, and I don't know what it was, but I got it out of the trash can and there was the faint line of a positive and I just was like, What? Could this be real? It was positive, but it took way longer than the test you take to show. So I called my doctor and I told her... It was a Friday, so I was going to have to wait til the next week to confirm if it was a viable pregnancy, and it was probably the longest weekend of my life, But praise be to God, I did get pregnant with my beautiful daughter Samantha. And it makes me cry because I remember just being so overjoyed and just relieved that this struggle had come to an end to where I finally carry this child. (12:10)
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• Sometimes I think we sit and think, Well, I'm just one person, but the reality of it is, we are all just one person. But our actions and our gifts and talents and passions, and what we share with the world, they do have a ripple effect and they do affect people and inspire people if we use them. They can change the world if we use them. And so I don't think we think about how important maybe one kind word, one kind action or one helpful thing can be, how important that can be. It can change the course of a life. (03:26)
• I think we've all had that person or that person that said something or inspiring talk that we listen to that made us keep going... I know I have. If it's happened more than once, somebody that shared their passion or somebody that was sharing their gifts or their talents and inspired us to do something or to act on something. So I just want to encourage you, if you hear, or if you feel a nudge of intuition inside of you about something you should do, or if you feel that you should do something, especially if you feel it more than once, you need to act on it, you need to do it. (4:35)
• Sometimes it takes more than once. You'll feel something inside, Oh, I really need to do that, I really need to do this. And we think, Oh no, I can't do that, or we have excuses of why it's not the right time, you really need to act on that, because I think that's really God pushing us, the Universe, whatever you want to say, is pushing us to act on our gifts and talents that we've been given to make a difference in this world. (05:12)
• Someone else can do it, but really, it's you, you're the one that needs to do it if you're filling that, and so don't hold back on those things, if you're feeling continually called to do it, you need to do it. So, be encouraged today, if this is something you're hearing again, and you've already felt the nudge, consider this, that second, third, fourth time you're hearing it and you need to do it, there's something you're called to do, it truly is a calling on your life and just know that you are the person to do it and be encouraged to do that. (06:20)
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• Oh my gosh, I remember getting up for presentations in front of the classroom, that was the absolute worst, but I did like show and tell though... I don't know why, I could do it if I knew people. It was a small group, but larger groups, if I didn't know people, and the worst part for me being, like I said, it came out that way, was that I moved around a lot, I mean, we lived overseas, we moved around every few years, if not every year, or two sometimes. So I was constantly the new kid, I think that's why I got over it, which ended up being a good thing, but it was very difficult at the time, so I was always a new kid, so now I really have a heart for introverts. Now, I'm extroverted, I'm that friend that kind of goes on side and tries to take them under my wing. (04:02)
• I think over the years, I started to work on myself as the older I got in my 20s, and then I started to go within and do the self-help and just look at stuff that would change my mindset, changed my perception of what I saw on the mirror, and then eventually over time, that did change. But I think the biggest one was the vitiligo, I had a hard time with that because it got worse, and it's on my feet. What is that? For the listeners that don't know what it is? It affects one percent of the population, but it's actually getting more awareness with Winnie Harlow and some other advertisements now, it's starting to be more out there in the world, which is great, but it's a skin disorder, I guess is what you'd call it, but some people say it's an auto-immune disease, I guess that's what it's kind of labeled it as, I believe it has to do with heavy metals and things like that. (7:20)
• That's when I started to have confidence. I started in my 30s and it exploded when I turned 40, after I got out of a toxic relationship, which I talk about in other episodes, and I know you went through that as well. Getting out or becoming yourself, who is Victoria and all that stuff? And I wanted to say about the name calling, kids are just kids and they can be so cruel, but they'll find something... If it wasn't you being skinny they'd I'd be using fat, short, tall, whatever it is, they'll find something to pick on. And they try to take your confidence away to make themself feel better, and adults are not always... They don't always mature, so they act like children, they do the same thing. I remember we moved back from being overseas, and I didn't know all the cool close to wear at all, but when you're overseas in Europe, it just doesn't matter, they were not brand name clothes that we were supposed to wear. (10:35)
• I feel like our mission is to help unlearn that stuff, to help teach people how to unlearn that we can do whatever we want, each individual has that down pat and I do what I want it. Everybody's just going ro say that I do what I want. Yeah, I'll never forget, I never get that girl's name, and I don't want to say it on here in case, but I still know her name in my head, the ring leader. And later, at a drill team competition, I was sitting there and we were watching the solos and low behold, she went out and did a solo. I was like, Oh my God, that's that mean girl from sixth grade. And this is in high school, you just don't forget those people, but anyway, it was fine. You know what, my confidence now is like, I really don't care if people don't like my outfit, I love my outfits. But now, I like to inspire other people with fashion, and I know I do, and if they don't like it, I think anyone should wear what they want, I don't make fun of their stuff. (13:52)
• Sometimes it is, and that's what we're here to help other people to realize is that you really can be yourself, and it's a beautiful thing once you actually accept it and appreciate the differences of others. Like I saw a meme that I absolutely love, and it says, one thing you need to understand about me is I'm me, I'm not you, I love that. It's like I appreciate other people. I love people that are different than me, I kinda gravitate toward to them because I'm interested in them. People the same as me, that's cool too, but a lot of my friends are very different than me, and I love that, I don't think cookie cutter is that interesting, I don't think we should try to be all the same. But what other things have helped you grow your confidence over your lifetime? I mean, you have a lot of wisdom to give. Honestly, I think mostly it's just listening to that inner guidance, that intuition guiding you back home to find out the truth within yourself, and I think that once that you start to... For me, I've always had this calling, and most of us do have a calling to find out our purpose or the meaning of life. (17:58)
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• I don't care if you're just home popping a bottle of champagne or if you get to go on a vacation like I've blessed to do. If we have a reason to have fun, let's go ahead and do it. I remember back when I was a kid and we just looked forward to things like birthdays and holidays, and it was just such an exciting time. I remember having birthdays as a kid and I would just look forward to and playing them out, and my mom was just an amazing mom, she still is, thankfully, but she would make my cakes homemade and she's an artist, she is so talented and crafty. She would design these cakes and I could have anything I wanted on them. She could copy any kind of painting or... Absolutely anything. I had a holy hobby cake, I've had cakes with just all kinds of things on them, any character I could think of. (02:57)
• That's another reason I think we should celebrate, it's because life is a gift. Again, in this time that we're in, if we do not realize it, this moment that Life is a precious gift, then I don't think we're ever going to realize it, because not everybody gets to have another birthday, a lot of us have lost loved ones, and it happens all the time. But even more so now, we realize, I think that it's not something that we should take for granted, and the older you get, the more people that you do see move on and pass on, and it's something that we need to realize that we're not always going to have our loved ones around. And we're not always going to be around, so we need to live every day to the fullest. Each and every day can be a celebration, we don't even have to wait for our birthday, but our birthday is a wonderful time to just say Oh my gosh, life is so great. (5:18)
• I mean, it's crazy how we look at certain milestones because there are certain numbers, but we don't even know where we are, we don't know where we are in our life, we could be at the last year of our life, you know? And if we're just going to be like, Well, it's not a big year, so no big deal. It could be the biggest ever... It's our last year. We need to live it up. So that's kind of how I view it. I mean, I think the earliest birthday I can recall, I remember being really, really, really young, but the earliest birthday party birthday I can recall is like six or seven. I remember turning 8 for some weird reason. I remember my eighth birthday because I had a good dance class, I went and I was like, I feel different being eight, I felt kind of more grown up, which is weird because I was only 8, but I remember telling my mother that and she's like, Oh really, you feel older. I was like, Yeah, I do, I just felt different. (07:18)
• Last year, one thing I started doing was wearing a crown on my birthday and the days surrounding. Everyday I wore it for almost a month, and I was really having a good time with it, and then this little girl... We went to Galveston, and this little girl was like, telling her mom, Look, there's a real Princess. It was really precious actually, I just wore a crown because I thought, Well, I'm a birthday princess, if little kids get to wear all the birthday stuff, why shouldn't we? I just encourage you guys to celebrate yourselves. So this month is going to be about really appreciating yourself as a person and your uniqueness, (09:48)
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• The only time I really got to go with my natural schedule was when I became an entrepreneur, that was just most recently, and I did stay up and sleep late, but it didn't really work for me because the hours that I needed to work on the phone and the computer, it's just better if you're up when everyone else is working. So I've adjusted my schedule to go to bed, you know around 11 o'clock at night and get up around 7 or 8 in the morning, it works out that the best sleep hygiene comes from doing that. (02:54)
• I looked up the best temperature to sleep in... They said 65 degrees. I mean, for me, that's a little cool, but everyone has a different temperature they like to sleep with, but generally cooler is better, maybe around 70 degrees. It just helps to have a cooler environment to sleep in. You want to make your bedroom environment really comfortable. The linens you sleep in, the comforter you have on, whatever you like to sleep under, and then you're clothing, or if you don't like to wearing clothing, just make it all really cozy. Make it to where you enjoy going to sleep, where you look forward to it. (4:05)
• It definitely helps your weight, if someone's trying to lose weight, I know as a health coach, it's just not going to happen if they have sleep deprivation. Can't lose weight. Your physical health is definitely affected, your mental health is affected greatly, if you don't get enough sleep, you have increased anxiety, you have increased depression, so you want to get your sleep. And if you don't get enough sleep, you'll have fatigue, irritability, mood changes, difficulty focusing and remembering, and reduced sex drive, all of those things, as you can imagine, do affect your relationships. And also no sleep can cause inflamation, that can lead to arthritis, that can lead to disease and all kinds of things like that. Having a bedtime routine, like I said, set hours, the comfortable bedroom environment, those can all aid in getting enough sleep. (05:13)
• But quality is even more important than time, so if you're in bed and you're restless sleeping or getting up every couple of hours, not comfortable, that's also detrimental to your health. So you may want to use something, a natural supplement like melatonin, magnesium also helps with sleep. Talk to a doctor, talk to your wellness provider if you're having trouble staying asleep because there might be an issue there, but pay attention to it because it is very important. It's not something that should be overlooked and it will affect your relationships. If you are well-rested, you're going to feel like you're ready to take on the day and you're going to be happier in the long run. (06:37)
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• But once you start viewing that other person as a possession or someone that you own and you have the right to dominate over or tell them what to do every second or how to do it, then you're crossing over to ownership, it's kind of like a either a Parent-Child relationship or like a Master-Slave ownership. (02:54)
• I think a lot of times, relationships break apart because fear comes in, Oh, you're gonna take what I have. But you can't have people, you can't own people, and any time fear is coming into a relationship, that's when it needs to be checked because it's not love. I don't know if you've heard that. Fear is the opposite of love. But it really is. It is because in the Bible, it says, love drives out all fear. (5:55)
• So if you just own that and know that truth, then you won't be afraid that people are going to desert you, that that person is going to take that person and they're never going to be there for you. Just get out of that fear mentality and loosen your grip on people and because when you do tighten up on them and try to possess them, that does not feel good to that person, and that's when they're going to be uncomfortable and they're going to go. (07:39)
• I think it's a good point just to say that act out of love always, and you won't be in a fair mentality, you won't think that things are going to be taken away. Because if someone wants to go, then they should be free to go. And if you love them in a pure, whole-hearted way, that's just from the heart, they're gonna wanna stay. (08:08)
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• I'm helping others really see where they can step into their power, they can step into their purpose, they're calling. I'm living that and it's not easy, sometimes people need help. I'm a coach now, I help people do that. And when you're stepping into your calling like that, and you're putting yourself out there to show people, to inspire people, the more and more you do that, the more you give people opportunity to put you down to mock you, to hate on you. I mean, I don't really understand the mentality, but for some reason, there are people out there that do that, and I see it now as an absolute benefit. It's like an obstacle course. When you go through obstacles in life, it's like the course, it's just making you stronger and stronger. (02:42)
• I've had people straight up like spread rumors about me and say things that are just not true, and it's like, Wow, and I won't say things back about them because that's not who I am. So I'm like, I'm not stooping to your level, but that's okay, I'm just going to keep going, and it's really built my fire of wanting to do better and wanting to do more for others, because I realize like, Okay, other people are up against this kind of stuff too, they're up against this hateful, cruel world sometimes, so they need help so thank you to my haters. (3:51)
• What I'm saying now is that you had to go through many trials, but God intended it for his good because he ended up bringing him to a different position. So I went through many trials, but I was brought out of that on my calling, I found my purpose because of that, because of those trials, and if it wasn't for those, I wouldn't get to the place that I am now. So when people try to put you down when they seem like an obstacle, if you'll just look at it as a situation, if you'll just look at it as part of your strengthening process and say, What can I learn from the situation? Then it's probably just part of your story, part of your process, and learn something from it, and just keep going to the next step. (05:31)
• If we're not in a place where there is more people desperately needing help and desperately needing encouragement and coaching on how to really take charge of their lives and being a positive mindset, I don't know where we are, because this last year and a half, couple of years, has been extremely trying on people. So I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be at the exact right time, and if it wasn't for the time table that I had to go through, I wouldn't be here this moment. So be encouraged today, if something is really, really hurting, your seemingly hurting, you just keep going and look for the lesson. (06:34)
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