Episoder
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Being able to stand out from your peer group would be temporarily going against the instinct to stay mixed among the peer group (the Hestia Instinct in women.)
Being mindful is at the core of all other best presentations of ourselves to others, and temporarily venturing out into a social milieu will help males (with their lesser ability at social cue recognition) and have you stand out with the interest of others.
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Body language, like everything in the first full phase of human courtship, is unconscious. But that doesnât mean we canât learn to recognize that itâs happening, and to honor it by engaging in conversation with curiosity.
Listen in as an example is rendered of waking up to notice it, and fun, curious conversation results in a restaurant social venue.
TRANSCRIPT
SPEAKER 2
So let me share one story with you.
I was out at a restaurant one time eating by myself and the guy who was the host there I said I was eating by myself and he said well I'm gonna make things interesting for you so he sat me down it was one of these restaurants where the
I was sitting right next to two women who were sitting across from each other and they were there hanging out together.
They were not facing each other and talking with their shoulders squared toward each other.
They didn't have their chins down.
They didn't have their mouths and their lips pierced.
It didn't seem like they were in a
It occurred to me that they want to be overheard.
which was great and everything and I sort of patted myself on the back for being aware of that because earlier in my life I would not have been aware of that but it can be the signals you're sending out just by the way you're sitting if you're facing each other now you might be there out with your girlfriend having coffee or having a drink and you guys have to talk about something or you have to catch up to each other in years and you're going to have your body language where you're squared off against each other you're cursing your lips you're not looking around you're looking straight at each other
Most guys will pick up on that.
Okay, these girls.
But if you're out and you want to be met by guys, then open up the body language, amp up the volume of the voice, and guys will notice that, and you'll be approached if you do that.
Some guys won't approach even though they like you because they're not attuned to that as well, and that's when you ratchet up.
SPEAKER 1
So if there was a spectrum of flirting, that would be very low and light on the spectrum, right?
They weren't like,
I think it's important to follow up with that.
SPEAKER 3
because I didn't realize that it is not easy for men to approach women in, you know, a group if you're not, if you're huddled together.
Um, so, you know, and that's very intimidating.
It's intimidating if, you know, men were sitting huddled in a group for a woman to just walk up and really put yourself in their shoes.
So I think the benefit of going out with girlfriends is so if one of your girlfriends realizes for you, like, Oh, it's the guy like over there, he's totally checking you out.
Give him a chance to, if he's nervous about approaching you and look around at your girlfriends, maybe he is.
Walk by him.
Give him an opportunity and look friendly and approachable and give him an opportunity to approach you.
SPEAKER 1
Yeah.
SPEAKER 3
Or go, if he's sitting at a bar, go order a drink next to him.
Say, Oh, excuse me, order a drink next to him and give him at least an opportunity to approach you.
Cause maybe he's sitting there thinking,
is Unconscious
SPEAKER 1
It's the kind of technical, you know, technical advice we're definitely going to get into with you.
No, it's all good.
We're technically going to get into with you in part two when we go step by step through the sexual attraction process.
But you're exactly right.
I mean, if we're focused on, you know, how early dating is not serious, it's just fun and it's flirty, it's not very flirty to stay all huddled in your group.
Observing Ego
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Itâs hard these days more than ever to understand dating and love. Finding what you want and feeling comfortable can be a daunting task.
We have a separate substack over at romantipedia.substack.com where we cover all the fine details, but today wanted to send you this lengthy podcast episode that attempts to answer the question of âhow to get a man to change.â
Those who are paid members also have access to the full gamut of video courses and the large reference on human courtshipâs nine steps, romantipedia.com.
Join us at both of these resources to learn more.
This is a public episode. If youâd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit womenspsychology.substack.com/subscribe -
Committed relationships do take work because it is a partnership of the conscious mind, driven toward success at a couple reaching individual and coupled goals.
However, early dating is nowhere near the step of committed partnership, but rather a curious exploration of the field of potential dates and mates. In this regard it needs to be in the spirit of fun and the creativity of the unconscious (instincts.)
One doesnât have to be highly intelligent to be âfun,â and highly intelligent people, while perhaps great at strategy in getting to their goals. But even they must be able to put themselves in a spirit of fun and entertainment, as when one is enjoying the concept of a leisurely âgame.â
This activity has inherent in it, the fun, excitement, creativity and curiosity of a âgame,â an unserious but exciting experience for budding couples.
TRANSCRIPT
SPEAKER 2
Early dating is not serious.
It's fun and flirty only.
SPEAKER 3
We have been dancing around this since we started.
This is the whole point of the Girls' Night Out, right?
SPEAKER 4
Yes, absolutely.
Let us give you permission to go out and have fun and be flirty.
It is great.
SPEAKER 2
Do women have this same problem, do you think, as men do?
A lot of times we get into this career mindset where in Western education
The harder we work, the more rewards we get.
If we just work harder, we'll get more, right?
And then you take it into the area of love, and it's like, whoa, I'm working so hard at this relationship, or I'm working so hard to be attractive.
And then you find people say, why don't you relax?
You're trying too hard.
SPEAKER 3
And there is, you know, there's pressure, you know, especially when you become an adult, to be serious, you know, to be a serious, responsible adult, and that flirting is for kids, you know, and we need to take ourselves out of that mindset a little bit, because that's how all great relationships are going to start.
SPEAKER 1
Dr. Paul, you said it great one time in one of your blogs when you called it curiosity, and I think when you go on this girl's night out, find someone to chat with and be curious about the person, and see where that goes.
SPEAKER 2
Yeah, you know, there's nothing that can be done about uncurious people.
I mean, if a man is not a curious man about what makes women tick or about behavior or, you know, what is love, it's not going to go very well.
I mean, and I think being a curious person has something to do with intelligence, too.
You know, a lot of people just are not so curious because they're just not so bright.
SPEAKER 4
Well, nobody in the world knows everything, so why on earth wouldn't you be open-minded to learn something new?
SPEAKER 3
Yeah.
SPEAKER 4
I mean, even like with, you know, a man in a restaurant or bar is wearing like a sports shirt or a different kind of tie or something, just say something as easy as possible.
So tell me about that.
Did you go to Mizzou or whatever?
SPEAKER 3
At the other end of the spectrum, though, a lot of people who are intelligent and well-educated take themselves too seriously and can't flirt.
Because they're on the other end of the spectrum, they think they know everything already and they don't need to learn anything new or any new skills.
I can't count the number of times I've met really smart women who just aren't fun.
You know, they're not fun.
And I like smart women.
And you just wish they would, like you said, loosen up a little bit.
Let their hair down a little bit.
SPEAKER 2
Some a little, an example a little on the spiritual side but I think it applies here and I think both men and women do this to each other where they try to get the other gender to be serious at this stage of courtship which needs to be just fun and flirty.
The example comes from a group of, you know, a religious group that I was responsible for counseling
and they would do a lot of kind of pulling out the my daddy is bigger than your daddy kind of manipulative move meaning you know I know God better than you so you better do what I say kind of a thing and I think men and women do this to each other too where they say for example women might say listen what do you do with your life you just party and have fun and date women
What is that?
What about having children or getting married someday and growing up?
A lot of people say, you know, Peter Pan, Peter Pan, Peter Pan, right?
But to the man's mind, depending, you know, where you live, where we're talking about, whether it's a big city versus rural, whether it's conservative versus more of a liberal population, to the man's mind, it's like, what are you talking about?
I can do whatever I feel like doing, which he can.
Right.
Whatever makes him feel happy and the same goes for you.
You can do whatever makes you feel happy as far as your lifestyle.
So I think this mindset is a very important one to have that regardless of what kind of lifestyle you lead or what you think serious adults ought to be spending their time on, biologically
Early in dating, it is just not serious.
Whether you're a conservative rural person or a liberal urban person, early dating is just plain not serious, period.
It can't be.
SPEAKER 4
And let's share some flirting stories.
I want to let women know that men exist on a spectrum.
SPEAKER 3
is not serious.
It takes guys a long time to learn that, and even into adulthood, especially when we're career oriented.
And so some, unfortunately ladies, some of the best guys out there are not going to pick up on the fact that you're flirting with them at first.
You might just want to kick him in the knee or kick him in the shin.
But I still recommend that you start your flirting off subtle because you might have one of those guys who is very attuned to it and understands it.
But if he doesn't respond right away, it may not be because he is not attracted to you or might not be attracted to you.
He just might be one of those guys who hasn't quite become that socially attuned to the signals that women send out, the vibes that women send out.
And in our dating trainings, we try and teach guys to be more aware of those vibes.
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The masculine and feminine instincts are not at war with each other. They are synergistic for the purposes of making the couple passionate for each other and about life itself on account of the presence of the other.
It may seem counterintuitive in todayâs culture to realize that someone displaying their (unconscious) instincts in your presence isnât to one-up or overshadow you, but a strong signal that they prefer and like you over any other potential mate.
TRANSCRIPT
SPEAKER 2
If you're feeling shy about going out on the town and figuring out how conversations should go between yourself and another man and understanding those differences, just talk to some of the men that you might have in your office that you might work with, some members of your family, and test this out and see if discussing career and the things that masculinize a man don't actually make you feel better and the man will give you the eye contact that you're looking for and
Womenâs Psychology
SPEAKER 1
It ought to be a benefit to you and you ought to feel like you're well treated, like you're treated with respect or as they used to say, treated like a lady.
It ought to make you feel good and feel a sense of pleasure and worth that he likes me.
But simultaneously, just the act of him doing the treating makes him feel more like a man.
as well so both sides win.
There aren't sides really.
One other thing about dances and this idea of being both equal and different at the same time.
If you were dancing the tango and your partner slipped, have you seen this happen on some of the talent shows on TV?
Somebody slips and falls and their partner picks them up really quickly and they try to continue the dance.
You know, if the other person slips a little bit, does something, you know, a little off or a little clumsy, you can help them out with that.
And the same goes for both men and women at this process.
I'm sure that at some point you have noticed in your relationships feeling either like in the superior position for a brief time or the inferior position for the brief time.
What I mean is somebody's holding a little more power
at any given point in a relationship.
Somebody has a little bit more advantage at any given point in a relationship.
And to that scenario, what I would say, you know what I'm talking about.
What I would say is that if done right, then the man and the woman throughout life trade power just by a tad
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, all through life.
It needs to never be the man is all dominant and the woman is totally submissive, nor the woman all dominant and the man totally submissive, like some of these reality show couples we see happening all the time.
so that the power gets traded off and i would say to you as a woman have you ever seen one of those talent shows maybe one of the uh... the vocal artists shows for example you know there's dancing with the stars and there's uh... america's uh... got talent america's got talent american idol american idol all right so have you ever seen a female contestant on that show kind of be behind the other
Artists the other contestants But then by the finale she pulls it out.
She pulls ahead and then she wins, right?
Well during the time that she was a little bit one down That was she less of an artist or less of a woman Because of that no, it's just that she wasn't winning yet And she pulled it out by the end.
She pulled out her talent
SPEAKER 3
and one in the end.
And this brings us back to the low-pressure situation on a girls' night out, which is that if you have a relationship with someone you meet on a girls' night out, it's going to play out over several weeks or months or dates.
It doesn't have to all be decided over whether or not he buys you a drink at that moment.
SPEAKER 1
Right, right.
See what happens.
I think what I'm saying is on this issue of men and women are equal but different, I want women to understand that by being good to men,
Femininity and Masculinity
SPEAKER 3
and a man who's sort of taking charge and claiming his territory and his rank and all that is not trying to demean the woman.
Picket is a compliment.
He's feeling masculine, you know, at that point.
SPEAKER 1
It means he likes you.
Yeah.
And he's not a threat, in other words.
SPEAKER 2
Didn't we talk one time, Dr. Paul, about it being like manners, just good manners, bringing out the best in someone else?
That's what a good host or hostess does.
And if someone is slipping up a bit in their manners at the table, the hostess
Pays no mind, doesn't criticize, but just tries to gracefully go over it so that the deal can go on.
SPEAKER 1
Or maybe pulls them aside and says, Hey, all these people that I've invited, you know, they're from a different walk of life from what you're used to, you know, cater to that.
Yes.
Give them a chance to correct what they're doing.
SPEAKER 2
That's right.
Yeah.
Just help each other.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And yes, help each other.
SPEAKER 1
Right.
Men and women, equal but different.
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Having boundaries with others means that we keep our dignity, have respect but demand respect of others, and we only agree to what we agree to.
If someone is kind or gift-giving or complimentary, thatâs their business, but it doesnât mean that we owe anything back (including any kind of commitment) unless we progress in courtship to that point of feeling the other person appeals to us in a way we voluntarily want to give back to them.
Early dating is about fun and flirtiness, laughing, teasing and the passion of desire rising in us both.
But passion only comes as a synonym for masculinity and femininity, where these have been stoked and raised in us by the presence of and unconscious flirtational actions of the other to raise our masculinity or femininity.
If this happens, we start to feel passion but not commitment or even friendship until later.
The second phase of courtship is friendship, with exclusive dating and so we are not even near that yet.
In the distant future, the third phase of courtship comes online, but only if we have made it through phase two (friendship.)
So we certainly donât owe each other any commitment as we are nowhere near that.
More to come in the next episode, with full access to paid members for listening to the entire program stored in the archives with one new episode each weekâŠ
This is a public episode. If youâd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit womenspsychology.substack.com/subscribe
