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Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to:Am I damaging my child?The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault.In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive.I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs.I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively.If you see that your relationship with your child isn't where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child... Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated... Feel guilt and/or shame about how they're experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them...
...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you. -
I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas.In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school.We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore.I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward.I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs.We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself!Finally, a couple of invitations. The
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Manglende episoder?
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This episode was...unplanned. :-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well.I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years.When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine.We'll answer questions like: What phases does my body go through each month? How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness? How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time? How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me? How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility?
I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if: You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them You're raising a child who will never menstruate, but you want them to appreciate menstruation and know how to effectively support people who menstruate.
In other words, everyone will get something out of this episode!... -
How comfortable do you feel speaking up about something your child’s school needs?Have you noticed that some parents seem to feel more comfortable speaking up than others?Have you ever noticed that sometimes rules and policies in school don’t seem to be applied evenly to all students, while squeaky wheels who raise issues that concern them and their children tend to get addressed?If you have, and you’d like to understand more about what you’re seeing and know what to do about it, then this episode is for you.My guest for this episode is Allyson Criner Brown, an award-winning equity practitioner, trainer, and scholar who has worked at the intersections of pre-K-12 education, family, and community engagement, environmental justice, and local government.I also have a co-interviewer joining me, parent Cassie Gardener Manjikian, who asked for this episode after she noticed that the everyday actions she was seeing in her school weren’t matching up with the school’s (and district’s) own goals and plans.In the episode, we answer questions like: What are the valuable ways that parents contribute to their children’s learning, even if they never volunteer in the classroom? What kinds of social challenges happen in schools, and how do these affect our kids? How can I advocate for changes if the Principal doesn’t seem interested? What kinds of tools can we use with teachers and parents if people are on board with doing things differently but just don’t know what to do or how to do it? If I’m the kind of parent who is never going to join the PTA, what role can I play?
We all have an important role to play in creating the schools our children deserve - this episode will help you to find yours. -
A few months ago my daughter had a routine checkup at the doctor, who asked how much screen time she gets in a day (which is more than typical recommendations but way less time than children spend sitting in school).The doctor told her (but really she told me): “You should get more exercise.”Carys isn’t a team sports kind of person. She doesn’t love hiking, and she only really likes biking when friends are with us.Something about the ‘get more exercise’ advice didn’t sit quite right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.Then I found Katy Bowman’s work and suddenly it all made sense.Katy points out that movement and exercise are not the same thing.Even if we aren’t getting enough exercise, what we need far more than exercise is movement.In this episode, we discuss questions like: What, exactly, is movement? What does it mean for our children to move…and how about us? How do we get more of it when our days are already so full? (I know I thought that, but I’ve found ways to incorporate a daily stretching routine without taking any time away from anything else I do. We discuss how in the episode!)
What children learn through movement -
What your child is learning in school isn’t enoughThe things your child is learning in school are not the things that are most likely to lead to their success in the future.Who could have predicted the shifts we’ve seen since Chat GPT-3 was released to the public in November 2022?While AI still has its bugs, it won’t be long before these bugs are squashed.We’re going to be using more and more technology in our lives - and our children are going to need different skills to navigate it than we’ve used in our careers. The 56 foundational skills for future successA report from consulting firm McKinsey’s research arm described 56 foundational skills that will help people thrive in the future of work.Eleven of these skills are related to digital fluency and citizenship, software use and development, and understanding digital systems.The other 44 skills have nothing to do with digital knowledge or capabilities.These...
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Thanks to those of you who completed the recent survey on how I can serve you better, some changes are coming to the YPM world! While most respondents said they loved the length of the episodes because they appreciate how much detail we can get into in that time, a number of people said they had trouble finding the time to listen to longer episodes, as well as share them with others.Our long episodes aren’t going anywhere; I love being able to truly understand an issue and have deep conversations with experts.But I hear you that it can be hard to find an hour to listen!That’s why I’m going to start creating summary episodes. This first one summarizes the last two episodes on the topic of video games - both the conversation with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin, and my narrated episode on what children learn from video games.You’ll get my take-home ideas from both episodes in less than 12 minutes!If you’re starting to see the deep learning that children are doing while they’re playing video games and want to support them in having more of these kinds of experiences…but without using screens all the time, the Learning Membership will help you.The membership helps you to support your child’s intrinsic love of learning, while also equipping them with the skills they’ll need to succeed in the age of AI.You’ll learn how to see and follow your child’s interests so you can support them in deep inquiries. You won’t have to drag them through it like you would a workbook or a curriculum (so no need to reward them with screen time!) because they will WANT to learn. They’ll be excited to do it, and they’ll bring you along for the ride.If you already know you’re in, you can sign up for the Learning Membership right now.All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee.Enrollment will open again soon. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to Highlights01:26 Introducing today’s episode02:06 Balancing kids' screen time is a gradual process of sharing responsibility and making adjustments based on their abilities.03:35 Children are drawn to video games because they meet needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness.03:54 There is no strong evidence that video games cause violence. 05:27 Children can learn about cultural issues like misogyny and violence from video games and other media. 07:19 Video games allow children to actively engage in learning by exploring unique systems and strategies, similar to real scientific thinking.08:41 Children develop creativity and persistence through video games.09:18 Invitation to the free You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop
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Last week, parent Nicole and I talked with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin about the challenges we can have when our kids love video games. [insert link to previous episode]I had also hoped to ask Ash a lot of questions about what children learn from video games but we completely ran out of time, so I spent a fun day reading 10 books on the topic at the University of New Mexico library (non-students can’t check out books!).I wanted to know a lot more about: Why do children find video games so attractive? And can we use that information to make the transitions away from screen time easier - as well as support their off-screen learning? Even if video games don’t lead children to violence, are they picking up ideas that aren’t aligned with our values? What useful skills are our children learning from video games, and how is this different from school-based learning?
Learning MembershipDo you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
Enrollment will open again soon. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to Highlights00:45 Introduction to today’s episode04:13 Children are drawn to video games because they fulfill their needs for independence, skill-building, and connection. 13:00 Children learn about gender roles and social behaviors from video games, which reflect societal misogyny and violence.28:55 Video games foster active learning through problem-solving and experimentation. By connecting gaming identities to real-world learning, children can enhance their educational experiences.40:00 Children learn best when they are engaged in activities they care about, and the You... -
Video games can be tough.Our kids enjoy them so much…but can’t tear their eyes away from them when time’s up without a meltdown.Some games, like Fortnite and Roblox, can be really violent, and aren’t our kids learning bad messages when they play?Plus even if they aren’t playing something violent, they aren’t really learning anything beneficial, right?In this episode with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin and co-interviewer parent Nicole, we talk about common struggles parents have with kids who are playing games, including: How to address dysregulation at the end of screen time How to ‘scaffold’ the child’s ability to manage their own screen time The links between screen time and intrinsic motivation Why we can feel OK using screen time to give ourselves a break How to model appropriate screen time use in front of our children
If summer is rolling on by and you’ve seen your kids do a lot of playing (whether that’s video games or not) and not a lot of activities that look like learning, I’d love to see you in the Learning Membership.The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
Enrollment will open again soon. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to Highlights01:50 Introducing the topic and guests for this episode03:17 Moderate video game use generally has neutral or positive effects, contrary to earlier studies linking it to aggression.07:02 Many studies linking video games to aggression overlook confounding factors like socioeconomic status, trauma, and family... -
How do I know if I'm perimenopausal?A few months ago a member in the Parenting Membership shared a whole bunch of symptoms she'd had, from fatigue to rage to dry eyes. She'd been on a four year journey to figure out what was going on before finding out that she was in perimenopause, and wanted to save other members from the same experience she'd had.That sparked a huge discussion in the community, with other members wondering whether the symptoms they were experiencing were also related to menopause - and whether this was going to be yet another thing they were going to have to educate their doctors about to get appropriate treatment.In this episode we answer questions about: What roles do hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone play in our bodies? What is menopause, and what is perimenopause? What are some of the most common symptoms of perimenopause? (Hint - it isn't hot flashes) What are the benefits of Hormone Replacement Therapy, and who should consider it? Is HRT dangerous? What impacts does culture have on the experience of menopause?
In our next episode on this topic we'll look at a non-medical, holistic approach to menopause. Dr. Newson’s booksPreparing for the perimenopause and menopauseMenopause: All you need to know in one concise manualThe Definitive Guide to the Perimenopause and Menopause Jump to Highlights01:26 Introducing the topic and featured guest for this episode03:48 Hormones play a crucial role in menstruation.08:28 Dr. Newson explores the definitions and challenges of menopause and perimenopause, emphasizing the wide-ranging symptoms and long-term health implications associated with hormonal changes.12:10 Dr. Newson discusses recognizing perimenopause symptoms amid busy lifestyles and the importance of early awareness, regardless of age variability in menopausal onset.16:05 Dr. Newson explains how hormonal birth control can obscure natural hormone patterns, potentially leading to misunderstood symptoms like mood changes and reduced energy.18:26 Women face challenges in receiving timely diagnosis and treatment for perimenopause and menopause symptoms, underscoring disparities in healthcare and the importance of seeking medical help despite societal barriers.22:46 Hot flashes, often associated with menopause, are not the most prevalent or severe symptom. They result from brain disruptions and vary widely among individuals, with many experiencing cognitive and psychological symptoms instead.27:28 Perimenopause and menopause often bring cognitive symptoms like memory lapses, tied to hormonal shifts that impact brain function, yet frequently disregarded in medical care and treatment.33:41 Hormone replacement therapy has been found to be effective in managing menopausal symptoms and offering potential long-term health benefits, despite past concerns about risks associated with older synthetic hormone studies.44:47 Hormone replacement therapy, especially with natural hormones, is often prescribed long-term for health benefits, contrasting with synthetic hormones implicated in higher risks from the WHI study.47:43 Dr. Newson emphasizes that while non-hormonal treatments like antidepressants and therapies can alleviate symptoms, they don't address the underlying hormonal deficiency that hormone therapy effectively restores for overall health.49:41 Jen and Dr. Newson discuss cultural views on menopause, emphasizing the need for accurate medical support over stereotypes or inadequate treatments... -
Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations?Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends?Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go.I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me.The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats.This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching?This episode answers questions like: What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial? How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children? What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)? At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed? How can we know whether we should teach a child social skills?
Other episodes mentioned175: I’ll be me; can you be you?075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?Jump to Highlights00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children.09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and they don't always work well.24:01 Dr. Carol Gray's Social Stories ™ help children, especially those with autism, understand social situations without directly aiming to change their behavior.28:59 Terra Vance's adaptations of Social Stories ™ highlight how they sometimes fail to address children's real experiences and emotions.33:28 Research on parent-led interventions for children with ADHD and autism vary in effectiveness.43:24 The book "Why Will No One Play With Me" doesn't provide specific references to support its ideas, making it unclear if they're based on research or opinion.46:30 Teaching social skills includes managing emotions, understanding social norms, and practicing simulations for better responses.50:49 The "Play Better Bridge to Betterment" model in Why Will No One Play With Me categorizes children's readiness for change into stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It emphasizes that children may need support to recognize and modify behaviors.53:10 Caroline Maguire's approach in "Why Will No One Play With Me" mirrors problem-solving methods, yet it prioritizes a reward system over understanding children's underlying needs.55:02 Maguire's method in "Why Will No One Play With Me" uses rewards to shape children's behavior, raising concerns about parental control and consent in interactions with their children.56:46 Maguire's book concludes with exercises... -
Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we're working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he's started twice - but not yet finished - on supporting partners with Asperger's Syndrome.)
Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American... or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine?
Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space...and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean?
Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband Alvin if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering - but he wanted me to join as well!
One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me - and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his 'elevator pitch' - but he just couldn't do it!)
So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour and we hadn't covered half of the questions listeners had submitted...and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is!
Other episodes mentioned175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!)
Jump to Highlights01:22Introducing this episode04:28Alvin talks about how Jen's autism diagnosis helps their relationship while Jen shares how it helps in their daily life and parenting.12:47Alvin and Jen talk about how they decided to become parents. 25:10Alvin discusses his upbringing in a predominantly White area, his evolving awareness of his Filipino heritage, and how his wife Jen's advocacy work has shaped his understanding of race and culture.38:13Alvin talks about his journey from wanting to be seen as White to embracing his Filipino heritage and identifying as a Brown person.46:32Alvin encourages dads to be actively involved in parenting, prioritize their partners, and be present in family life. 57:15Alvin and the hosts engage in a quickfire round of questions, discussing topics from parenting to personal preferences. 01:00:50Wrapping up
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Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child?Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen?And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful?But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help?That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children.She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!).But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either.Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again.You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' teeth brushed every morning without a fight!If you'd like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I'd love to help you make that happen.You'll get: A new module of content every month Access to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they've described as "the least judgmental corner of the internet" Answers to your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there's a library of these available for you to watch as well) Group coaching calls where I'll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer...) ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you'll achieve your vision A 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most!
It's gentle parenting that's also gentle on you (and isn't permissive!). Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:009: Do you punish your child with rewards? Jump to Highlights00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest04:09 Dr. Houri Parsi has been applying evidence-based parenting methods from the Your Parenting Mojo podcast for two years.08:54 Dr. Houri talks about their initial parenting beliefs and later exploring respectful and mindful approaches as their children grew older.16:24 Dr. Houri changed her parenting approach after joining the Parenting Membership, moving away from using rewards or punishments and focusing on understanding and -
Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!). What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing? What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall? What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago? Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)? Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before? Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now? Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself. It's not complicated. There are only five elements to it, and when they're all in place you can make sustainable change in parenting, as well as your own personal issues, work, and anything else you like. It really is very possible to make sustainable family change in parenting happen by yourself. But all of the five elements have to be in place, and operating consistently, to make it work. Losing focus on each one of the elements creates a different outcome, none of which are good: Confusion Anxiety Making slow progress Frustration Being on a treadmill
If you can see already that one or more of these things are happening for you, the Parenting Membership will help you make the kind of sustainable change you want to see in your family. The first thing you'll do after you join is have a 20-minute private call with my community manager, Denise, who will see which element you're struggling with the most right now, and connect you to specific resources to help. Many of the parents who signed up this time last year are now in an entirely different place. Things like this are happening: Their preschoolers can use a picture-based list to accurately identify their own feelings and needs; Parents are recognizing how their own actions are creating shame in their children, and are working to address this; Parents see which parts of their co-parenting struggles are theirs to own, instead of blaming their difficulties on their co-parents; They can also see which parts are not theirs to own, make requests to get their needs met, and practice accepting their co-parent for who they are; Siblings are fighting less, because they understand each other's needs and can find strategies to meet both of their needs.
Of course these parents still have hard days...but none of them looks back on who they were a year ago and thinks: "Aside from the fact that my kids are older, I don't really know what's different now from what it was a year ago." I want this kind of sustainable family change for you, too. It's so much more than taking a short course to learn a new skill. It's a fundamentally different way of being in the world. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned042: How to teach a child to use manners -
Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people? Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"? When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person? If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame. Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee. That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her. If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met. How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame? In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us. If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership. We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see Jump to Highlights00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest06:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans.09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities.12:39 Dee reflects on her nurturing upbringing, emphasizing the importance of feeling loved and accepted. This foundation drives her to seek intentional parenting strategies.20:31 Dee learned to negotiate needs and boundaries with her child, leading to mutual respect and a harmonious dynamic.30:39 Dee shares her experiences in the Parenting Membership community where she finds support and insights through coaching calls, ACTion group, and modules on topics that help her navigate parenting challenges and personal growth.40:50 Through the Parenting Membership, Dee learned to address resentment, prioritize her needs, and communicate better with her partner for a healthier balance.01:06:15 Three things Dee suggests for parents to try on based on the conversation.01:09:39 Wrapping up
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Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them? And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well. In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives. If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Jump to Highlights01:43 Introducing today’s episode03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies.04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment.19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties.26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness.33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values.39:40 The Action Group explored Jody's challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a sense of relief and reduced emotional reactivity for him.47:11 The group shared how the ACTion group has positively impacted their parenting journey through accountability, celebration, and community support. They emphasized the non-judgmental environment, learning from each other's experiences, and the value of consistent participation in personal growth.01:06:59 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership
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Do you ever fight with your partner? Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting? (Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.) And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula: Child misbehaves. Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help. Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt. Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're being defensive. Parent B stonewalls - they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue. Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.
If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope! Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy. Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above. How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights? (Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.) If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that. You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family. In this conversation they use very different tools. We didn't completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee's report of what happened after the call - which was really magical! Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner. It's really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own. I'd actually read one of the Gottmans' books but didn't really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training. During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children's behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses. So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them. There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples' arguments. Couples who have used these tools report not just that they're able to address their disagreements more easily, but they're having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to 'flow' in a way they hadn't before. I'll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to... -
Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see? When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today... When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it... When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)... When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you...
Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again??? But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it." If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.' So why do we do it to our children? Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day. We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance. In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits for just $7. Click the banner to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop193: You don't have to believe everything you think200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1Jump to Highlights:00:52 Introducing today’s topic02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution25:04 The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits26:02 Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children's and parents' needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child's needs41:44 Parent Cori challenges with her son's teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy45:42 Three great resources (and they're all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s -
Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪
Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach.
But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're inflexible and rude.
So what's going on here?
Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work?
Of course, as soon as I received Diana's email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there's no video for this episode.
We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn't know her needs - because Diana didn't know her own needs.
We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children's needs, and there's also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) LimitsDo you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits for just $7. Click the banner to learn more.
Other episode mentionedQ&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1
Jump to Highlights00:48 Introducing today’s guest and topic
08:58 Diana reflects on challenges with implementing a respectful parenting philosophy and navigating differences with her high-sensitivity, high-intensity child.
13:14 Diana shares parenting struggles, negotiating with her kids, and feeling disrespected in their interactions.
26:51 Diana reflects on supporting her daughter during dysregulated moments, while Jen illustrates the importance of context in understanding...
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It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices.
In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations.
Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I've included these recordings in the episode as well.
So if you're struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you're struggling to find yourself, this episode will help.
Parenting MembershipIf parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
Click the banner to learn more and sign up. Enrollment now open until May 15th, 2024!
Other episode mentioned:181: Why 'giving choices' doesn't work--and what to do instead
Jump to Highlights01:26Introducing today’s topic02:11Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits.03:26Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting. 07:38Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expectations, and bedtime struggles, seeking guidance and support during the coaching call. 14:28The conversation explores Parent Meagan's bedtime struggles with her daughter Ava, highlighting Meagan's stress and Ava's desire for autonomy and connection. Strategies to address both needs are discussed.36:30The conversation explores Jen's struggle balancing caregiving, household tasks, and family time. It touches on her discomfort with her baby's crying, rooted in her own childhood experiences.46:58The conversation discusses supporting children with neurodivergent traits, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining routines and social interactions.56:37Parent Kendra shares her challenge navigating societal expectations in parenting across different cultures. 01:09:05Whitney shares how she applied the concept of understanding her son's perspective and needs during bedtime struggles. This shift in perspective helped her empathize more with her son's feelings and frustrations, 01:15:12Invitation to the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop
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