Episodes
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If someone in your life says THEY CAN’T HELP HOW THEY ACT in relationship because of what happened to them in the past, we cover one way to tell, and offer a few solutions.
Note: while this video is in response to someone’s question about their husband [after a CSAT said ‘disclosure would be a waste of time,’] the concepts can be used in your other relationships as well.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:07 Question: Disclosure a WASTE OF TIME due to…? (“EMOTIONAL INVALID”)
0:55 I explain EMPATHY Daily / I carry the load
1:15 Answer on having to explain EMPATHY
1:42 Solution: If counselor says DISCLOSURE is a waste of time
2:05 Solution: HOW TO KNOW if his past trauma halts your healing
3:00 Jay used past trauma to deflect (EMOTIONAL HIJACKING)
3:24 The more he feels REAL FEELINGS…
3:54 Answer regarding If he does have childhood trauma
4:31 Solution & THE KEY SIGN for Lori
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Ever wonder if your relationship has (or if your relationships have) healed from the trauma you’ve experienced?
*Note that, while this video mainly talks about marital relationships, the concepts APPLY TO YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS as well. If a well-meaning but uninformed friend, family member, counselor or church didn’t understand what you were going through, we'll share some signs to know it might be safe to trust the relationship again.*
While this video is not a definitive list, it covers 15 signs we noticed in our own marriage, as well as things our clients exhibit as trust is rebuilt.
Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction & Disclaimer
0:40 (1) This thinking changes
2:07 (2) “I’m gonna do this no matter what!”
2:54 (3) Accepting he is an addict (and what Lori used to think)
4:20 (4) Allies
5:01 (5) When he appreciates…
5:46 (6) Triggers
7:21 (7) Treating you as an equal, not as…
8:28 (8) His engagement in the relationship (not abdication, but also not…)
9:45 When Jay elbowed his way into our spiritual life together
10:08 Solution: Guys do this to help her heal
10:32 (9) Taking your feedback
11:24 (10) An early sign the relationship is healing—and the ‘her pain’ word picture that makes Lori cry
13:56 (11) When bad conversations are rare because of this…
15:32 (12) Recovering after bad conversations
16:12 (13) Peace, here
16:37 (14) He burned your life down, but…
17:27 (15) The ultimate thing that can give you peace in your relationship
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Missing episodes?
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***Disclaimer: You may have signs of healing that are not on this list. This list is not definitive; it’s just what we have seen in our work with betrayed partners of porn addicts / sex addicts.***
Ever wonder if you’ll know when you’ve healed from the trauma you’ve experienced? This video covers many signs Lori noticed in her own life, and that our clients exhibit as they recover as well.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro and *Disclaimer* (and what to expect)
1:04 1-Your creativity will…
3:05 2-Techniques that work for you
3:35 3-Playing again
4:36 4-Regarding the brain fog
5:22 5-Problems with computers/phones
6:43 6-Regarding your household tasks
7:31 7-When you sleep at night
8:35 One thing that increases brain fog
9:05 8-You and Grace
10:01 9-When you say, “I matter”
10:39 10-Happiness or manic-ness (I used to fake it)
11:21 11-The smaller joys
12:33 12-Your triggers
12:44 13-New experiences (a client story)
13:53 Your triggers, revisted
16:01 14-Things that concerned you before…
16:31 15-Getting excited about… (and our cat, Morgan)
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Sometimes addicts answer with “I don’t know” to questions like, “when did it start?” “how often?” and “did you ever see ___?” And his not knowing can leave the betrayed partner feeling very skeptical. Is it possibly he really doesn’t remember? This video dives into that question.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:07 Question: Do porn addicts really not remember some specifics?
0:23 What one CSAT said (it IS possible)
1:21 Jay’s memories
1:44 When betrayed partners have to ask just the right question (openness)
2:37 One caution to porn/sex addicts
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Join us as we tackle what recovering addicts need to watch out for on the journey to sobriety. We’ll give practical tips for those in recovery such as avoiding triggers, the “why” behind choosing sobriety, as well as why YOUR PARTNER IS NOT YOUR ENEMY. Because we include a couple of solutions (including an easy way to see if you’re edging) this video can help you increase your self-awareness and decrease your dependency, and also support your wife’s healing.
Oh, and here is the link to the video we reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBrVb9T4Bxk)
Timestamps
0:00 Intro
0:53 1-Sobriety does not heal relationships if... (& re-sensitization)
4:11 2-Visual Sips / Solution: One second=look. Two seconds= …
5:10 Solution: One easy way to see if you might be edging
6:47 3-Doing this for someone else / then they "become the problem" to you
8:01 4-"But no one can get free of this!" / when the little blue pill didn't work
9:25 5-Groups where the leader isn't free / "I'm gonna stumble eventually"
11:17 6-Wanting her to celebrate right away / why she's still leery
13:10 7-Two SIGNS you might be on the slippery slope
15:11 8-My wife can't give me that level of... / how Jay answers that now
18:03 9-She should never be an ‘enemy’ to you / when she's treated as your equal
19:44 Solution: Feel she is your enemy? / she helps with a goal of yours
21:46 10-Impatience might be a sign that… / Solution: one of the first things you can do
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
What should you do if the addict keeps relapsing/betraying you–especially if your friends keep telling you to leave? Should you divorce? Should you stay? Can life get any better if he keeps relapsing and lying? We talk about this, while giving you 3 things to try.
0:00 Intro
0:07 Question: My friends say I should leave my husband because he keeps relapsing–what do you think?
0:26 Lori’s thoughts (what she told one friend)
0:48 You can stay and have a really good life
1:01 Solution 1: God / Viewing the relationship differently
2:50 Narcotics Anonymous says it this way
3:34 Relapse is not inevitable if…
3:54 Solution 2: What makes recovery easier
4:23 Solution 3: “Give back” to your wife versus to a group (and why)
4:58 What Jay used to say about his relationship with God
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In our work, we have seen some husband’s who have lied about their wives to the helping community–lying to pastors, counselors, family and friends–about her. Or the husband will diagnose her with a mental disorder of some sort. We address that topic, as well as what a partner can do, in this situation.
0:00 Intro & Question
0:34 When the husband thinks, “My apology should be enough!”
0:50 One early professional opinion
1:13 Solution for partners (and what the addict can do)
2:16 The main goal of his helping community
2:47 A probable truth about your husband
3:07 Solution: One thing you can say to your husband
3:43 Solution: Another thing you can say
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
There are many things I wish I had known right after D-Day… things that would have helped me recover more quickly. In this video, I cover several of them, and Jay gives extra input from the addict-who’s-found-sobriety point of view. (Please note: We do not condone hitting your spouse. If this is happening, please reach out to your local shelters/authorities.)
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:23 Coming down hard on yourself regarding boundaries
0:55 I’m in!!! I’m out!!! (what many guys do with this and one Solution)
2:46 Solution: How to find safe people & safe counselors
5:05 One way to keep from being blinded: Change your job description (Guys, nurse her back to health)
8:16 Solution to “falling for lines”
9:53 One clear sign Jay was taking his addiction recovery seriously
10:22 Solution to “You’re being too sensitive!”
11:16 Getting back at him / betraying yourself
12:58 Some addicts think, “It’s a license to keep acting out”
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this video, we discuss a difficult topic, so if you’re not up for that right now, feel free to come back later. But it’s happened often enough over the last several years we thought we would cover it. And that hard reality is this: marriages in this particular helping community have been ending, or there’s been hidden relapse. It’s a serious topic, but we strive to give you some hope.
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Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:10 How this season will go
1:41 Marriages in this field are ending (relapsing)
2:17 Jay’s sobriety/our update (how to help)
5:15 If that happened to us (recovery is more than the addiction)
7:46 Regarding those relationships that have ended
8:33 Our marriage therapists divorced
9:24 Solution: avoiding complacency
10:21 Solution: a critical step (healthy community)
10:55 How we strive to help
11:45 Lori’s answer to: It must be so romantic
12:33 What we hope to give you this season (have questions?)
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
What caused Jay to take all of this more seriously (even if he felt attacked)? And what would cause Matt to say, “This is stupid!” We cover both of those here, in this LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:19 Did Jay feel like doing those things when he felt unfairly attacked? *
2:59 One Solution: Giving guidance vs “This is stupid” *
4:11 Jay took it more seriously because he knew this…
4:52 One Solution: How we phrase it instead
5:38 Steps Jay and Lori took
6:35 One Solution: Shared experiences can be risky (so wives consider trying…)
8:07 For the betrayed/traumatized regarding the “Right” way to do this *
8:26 What we tell couples
10:03 Where to subscribe for next season
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal #trauma #relationships #rebuildtrust #marriageadvice -
Transitioning from dating to marriage has its challenges, even without addictions. But healing a relationship after betrayal is even more challenging. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier–without resenting your spouse–especially if you’re trying to rebuild trust.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:11 It doesn’t take much
1:06 What some guys resent
1:46 The counselor told Jay, “You can’t crank her up like a machine and expect…”
2:14 What Matt thought marriage would be like (dating) *
2:50 One Solution: If he had continued dating his wife
3:40 Being intentional about continuing to date each other *
4:00 How a “perceived lack of finances” can impact relationships
4:56 Solutions to a lack of finances while rebuilding trust *
7:02 $7 cheese and other trees
9:09 In the next episode: How to rebuild trust when you feel attacked
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Rebuilding trust takes more than honest answers to the questions you are asked. You have to share what is going on for you without being prompted. This is huge in rebuilding trust after betrayal.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:12 Not lying but not sharing (this) either *
2:37 One Solution: Share thoughts & feelings for connection
3:41 One Solution: Openness vs honesty to rebuild trust *
5:36 Matt’s lightbulb moment: “It meant we weren’t freaks”
7:36 Blind spots may be why good men harm relationships *
8:14 One Solution: One of the best things Lori did for Jay’s blind spots (***NOTE: Lori only did this after she knew Jay wouldn’t use the information against her***)
10:44 In the next episode: One thing some guys resent
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make plans and create opportunities to connect. This episode shows specific ways to do this that may work better for both partners.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:24 Because it was majestic or because it was shared?
1:29 One Solution: Face-to-face and Shoulder-to-shoulder *
4:03 From intense talks every night to resting *
6:27 The ‘majestic or shared’ question answered
8:05 One Solution: Porn use parallels the desire for human connection
8:42 In the next episode: One thing many guys hide
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice
#brokentrust -
This video covers some brain science behind video games. We also discuss how Jay replaced his entertainment addiction with a bigger life so he could finally feel satisfied.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:21 The brain science? (It simulates success) *
1:46 Distraction due to trauma? (What many addicts do)
4:01 Lori to Jay: “You can’t sit still”
4:32 How to create something healthier
5:07 The doctor said, “Video games WILL affect his mood”
5:38 One Solution: How Jay replaced it with a bigger life *
8:28 It’s not as bright, but it is more valuable
8:47 Solution: Measuring the difference (Entertainment vs whales & trees)
10:58 Satisfaction compared to video games *
11:20 In the next episode: 2 ways to connect after broken trust
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
This episode covers video games and hobbies, and how being distracted by learning things can harm trust restoration. We also discuss how entertainment actually helped our relationship.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:11 How video games affected our marriage
1:42 I couldn’t entertain him
2:55 One Solution: Watch out for dissociation *
5:45 Distracted by learning (but not applying)
7:37 Solutions: Some refreshing time is needed (when distractions help) *
8:53 How Jay helped Lori with video games, etc
10:10 In the next episode: Entertainment vs True Satisfaction
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this video we discuss two addictions we haven’t covered before, as well as 2 different kinds of values. WE also discuss the issue of faking vulnerability.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:15 Video games and hobbies (where we invest our time in relationships)
0:39 Stated Values vs Lived Values (“not demonizing those activities”) *
2:51 This can lead to even more broken trust
3:44 Stated values may be about our image
4:21 One Solution: Stated values is the goal vs. Craving the approval of others *
5;43 One Solution: How to name emotions
8:23 One Solution: One thing that would do wonders for relationships *
9:18 One Solution: A place guys can learn vulnerability, not faking it
11:12 Why Matt would “Say it all” now? Practice
11:40 “Thank goodness someone finally said it” vs “Not willing to go there”
12:47 In the next episode: Can video games actually help after broken trust?
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
How do you know if you should stay or go? And what would cause Lori to say, “I am more important than ___”? We discuss those topics with author and coach, Matthew Fray, as well as what if he never gets it?
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:15 What Matt would have told Jay and Lori to do back then
1:24 One Solution: Where to draw the line between staying or going? *
4:22 One Solution: Support network (and being validated) *
5:54 The guy may eventually ‘get it,’ but if not…
7:24 Not advocating for divorce, but health *
8:28 "I am more important than my marriage"
9:44 In the next episode: 2 Values / 2 Other Addictions
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:15 If he (or she) doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore… *
3:07 When guys don’t want to change (instead adding lies)
4:55 What if he’s not 'all in' *
8:39 "I had to start trusting that he would hurt me"
10:11 One Solution: A different way to "have more faith in people"
10:56 In the next episode: Should you stay or go?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:18 Betrayal trauma & how it is the dividing line
2:08 One Solution: How to not be a mistreater/abuser *
3:20 The hard word: Abuse (...and ADHD)
5:04 One Solution: A way to talk about abuse *
7:36 One Solution: The challenge with validating in this area
9:39 The impact of habitual porn use on empathy
11:23 Toxic, clueless or teachable?
12:40 In the next episode: What if he’s not all in?
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#abuse
#mistreatment
#validation
#empathy -
Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?”
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:14 Are safety & trust the same?
0:47 Maslow's Hierarchy & trust
1:53 One Solution: If people prioritize safety & trust AND……
2:47 Lori & Jay's take on safety & trust
5:17 "But I'm not trying to hurt her" (why men may be defensive about safety & trust)
7:45 What if the guy never changes? *
8:42 Solutions: What does safety look like (practically) when she can't trust him *
11:37 "If I (did this) I could take care of myself financially"
12:46 In the next episode: Mistreatment or even abuse, and what guys can do instead
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice - Show more
