Episodes
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In this, our last episode of Season 5, we address six ways to help you find out if you’ve been given the full truth / signs he might still be lying. We also cover what pressure can do to some addicts.
(A big THANK YOU to everyone who submitted questions for this season. Thank you, especially, for allowing us to be a small part of your healing journey.)
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro and Viewer Question
1:05 It depends on what you’re looking for
2:21 General & ACTIVE self-deception
3:32 First: Ask for details/specifics
4:07 Second: Addicts, get curious about your own thoughts and actions
4:52 Third: Did he circle back
5:11 Forth: On staying concrete
6:49 Forth: LDTs (with some cautions and side notes)
9:26 An overall caution: this makes some addicts neurotic
10:21 Opening the door for more later ("I now know enough...")
11:44 Five: Ask what he suggests
13:39 Solution: If she can't trust you 100 percent*
14:15 Six: Things Jay learned that really helped
15:30 Something special before next season
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this episode of The Couple Cure, Jay tackles the question: 'How serious do I need to be about my recovery?' Using his own history and insights, he discusses the inevitable challenges and pushbacks you will face when you commit to a change, especially in the context of addiction or betrayal recovery. He emphasizes the importance of STARTING IMMEDIATELY, and understanding that obstacles will always be present. He also highlights the crucial role of certain life adjustments to stay on the path to recovery. Tune in to gain practical advice and encouragement for your own recovery journey.
00:00 Introduction & Question
00:06 Life always asks, "How serious are you?” (the first week of my diet)
01:22 The best time to quit is ALWAYS… and why
02:14 Solutions: Examples of being serious about it (for the betrayed spouse) *
03:55 The family life status quo (& other hurdles)
05:48 What needs to change?
06:29 More harm to your relationship / Expect hurdles
07:36 So how serious do you really need to be?
09:15 Solution: How to help her heal (a HUGE part of your recovery) *
10:26 If I am truly serious & final thoughts
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Missing episodes?
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Summary: Rebuilding Trust through Tangible Evidence of Change after Lies
In this episode, we respond to a wife’s question about the importance of seeing tangible evidence in her husband's growth process. We discuss the importance of PROACTIVE steps in behavior change, and share our own personal story after Jay had lied over 1000 times. The episode explores various ways to rebuild trust, like taking notes during counseling sessions and talking about that with the wife. It also includes several Biblical perspectives on the importance of bearing fruit as evidence of genuine repentance and change.
00:00 Intro & Question
00:35 Solution: A quick way to explain it to him*
01:07 How Jay explains it to clients / Solution: Different ways he rebuilt trust*
02:14 Marriage Counselor said, "If you had a crystal ball"
02:46 Evidence of true heart change (Saul to Paul)
03:25 On being like Thomas Edison
04:38 She will tell you... over time / Jay was too smart for his own good
05:34 Take Notes / How not doing so can impact wives
07:39 Solution: What to look for*
09:47 Why Counselors won't share his progress (& one option)
11:48 Bible says it's okay to want evidence (examples)
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this episode, recorded on New Year's Eve, we discuss the importance of having a solid plan to ensure your new year is better than the last. We delve into specific steps for making effective New Year's resolutions and highlight the significance of focus and new behaviors in achieving different outcomes. The episode offers guidance for addicts and their partners on formulating plans that go beyond mere intentions, and include practical action steps for accountability and sustained change.
Timestamps
00:21 New Year, New You? (not without a different plan)
01:28 For the addict (look yourself in the eye)
02:01 Try a different January
02:49 Ask yourself these questions
03:31 If the answer is “No”
04:51 A FIRST STEP (a DIFFERENT starting point)*
05:23 The Critical SECOND STEP*
07:45 For the partner
08:10 The THIRD STEP
08:36 The FORTH STEP (Solution: times and tribes)*
10:25 Multi-plans
11:11 Solution: The CSI Investigation
13:23 Solution: Arrange to pay your enemy
14:20 If you still don’t reach your goals
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this episode, we explore how addicts truly change by focusing on the impact of experiencing true pain and loss. Divided into two parts—one for non-Christians and the other for Christians—we discuss the significance of giving up power, inspired by scripture, to become truly healed and dependent on God. With references to personal anecdotes, men’s magazines, 12-step programs, and the idea of renouncing 'boss' culture, the script emphasizes humility, acceptance of weakness, and the power of community support in the journey of recovery. The transformation journey includes practical examples and scripture, highlighting the importance of growth and moving beyond survival mechanisms to achieve true healing and integration into healthy, supportive communities.
00:00 Intro
00:43 The first way addicts change
01:21 Something else that can help
01:36 Majestic splendor
03:11 The power-over dynamic (helpless? dependent?)
04:34 What it might look like
04:59 Be the boss?
06:24 Solution regarding addictive thinking (what it looks like in practical terms)
07:47 Why the power-over dynamic might come up
08:55 Outgrowing it
09:46 Objections (but who is stronger?)
11:22 Solution: You’re on land now (returning from the war)
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
***Trigger Warning for Alcoholics in Recovery***
In this episode, Jay addresses a common question addicts may have, along the lines of, “Will I have to pay for this forever?” He answers with the truth: After trust is broken by betrayal, it depends on how well the addict owns his part in her pain… and tries to aid in her recovery.
0:00 Introduction
0:21 Other forms of this question and initial answer
0:46 She doesn’t limp (a real life example)
2:00 Jay’s words to wives
3:01 Solutions for addicts* (Note: we don’t condone hitting)
4:56 Add something to your program (the quickest way)*
6:14 Another word picture (The ICU)
7:19 Things she might say to you (any indication you’re not safe)
8:46 Why birthdays and anniversaries may be hard for her
9:40 Can she forget this? Can she move forward?
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice
#marriagerecovery -
In this episode, we address a difficult question from a viewer about a lack of physical touch in her marriage, even while undergoing chemotherapy. We delve into the possible reasons behind her husband's behavior, including possible emotional retaliation or unresolved trauma. There is also compassionate advice on how to explore personal needs and desires, and questions to ask as you seek the right guidance to make informed decisions about the future, while we also emphasiz the importance of understanding misinterpretations, and the critical nature of aligning actions, personal values and God’s guidance.
00:00 Introduction and Question
00:34 Ouch! (making you pay)
02:20 When he needs a licensed therapist
03:12 Solution: If you DID hurt him… but (one big caveat)*
04:28 Real life examples
05:57 When his bad side comes out (one extreme example)
07:01 Solution: How to decide your next step*
09:06 Look at what he IS doing
09:46 Solution: What is God saying (and if your gut instinct isn’t in alignment)*
11:39 This might be a workable situation (unless he makes you pay elsewhere too)
13:02 He doesn’t know how to take ownership
14:03 Solution: The REAL problem of misunderstandings
15:36 Conclusion and Wrap-Up
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
If you have ever been called a Drama Queen, this episode may help heal the sting of that label. But first, Jay and Lori tackle the issue of being flooded with bad memories right as you get close to forgiving him—even if your relationship has healed the broken trust.
TIMESTAMPS
0:00 Intro & Question
0:52 Forgiving unrepentance?
1:41 Guys, if someone is against you…
2:35 Solution: Do these things proactively
3:25 Staying near him?
4:18 Intrusive Thoughts
5:05 Like-minded women
6:05 “But she has to forgive me” (A Solution)
6:58 Why intrusive thoughts remain (a question to ask)
7:58 Unsure of your response?
8:32 Is he sure he can stay sober? (his childhood)
9:53 When peace can trigger us
11:49 The “Drama Queen” label
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
***Trigger Warning: Given the sensitive nature of this topic, please proceed cautiously.***
Jay and Lori tackle the struggle of not feeling physically desired by the husband. They explore the intricate dynamics of femininity, desire, and physical appearance within a marriage. The discussion delves into misconceptions about desire versus lust. Lori shares her personal journey of reclaiming her own femininity, and how it started with unlikely sources. The episode also addresses the risks of a guy who only stays on the surface, encouraging listeners to cultivate confidence, while building a relationship where desire is communicated.
Timestamps
00:00 Introduction, (deeply vulnerable) question & the 3 issues we’ll address
01:11 Addicts are surprisingly prudish (one solution)*
04:00 Traditionally gorgeous women are cheated on (his looks)
05:42 Society confuses desire all the time (the part in us screaming to be desired)
08:08 Solution: Femininity and how I reclaimed mine*
09:16 What my Counselor said about arm-candy
10:39 Healing on our Saturday Dates (with other men?)*
13:14 It’s usually about “novelty” (… or his maturity)
15:26 Appealing to THAT side of men
16:20 Changing the conversation where desire = lust (solution: what helped Jay)
17:11 Becoming addicted to your wife
18:00 Generalized vs Specialized Sexuality (fetishes vs “I really like her!”)*
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Description
In this short video, we discuss the issue of anger and withdrawal/retraction, and we’ll cover what it looks like as the addicts we work with recover and learn new skills. At the end, we’ll also give *one of the signs that the recovery is real* for you to look for.
Timestamps
0:00 Intro and Question
0:22 They are two different issues (the bigger monster)
1:31 Anger is one of the first to come back (reconnecting AND a "cover")
2:24 Going beyond "I'm 90 days clean"
3:11 Withdrawing / Retracting (new skills for addicts)
3:27 Two steps forward, five steps back. Then it's...
3:43 *Solution: One thing to look for
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice
#mentalhealth
#addictiontreatment -
In this episode, we discuss why you might feel the need to bring up past betrayals even years later. We explore what it means if you can’t stop talking about it. Plus, we offer advice for the guys on how to have these difficult conversations, and give you alternative options if your partner doesn’t want to talk about it.
00:00 Introduction
00:16 It’s a sign
03:23 When guys say, “But you forgave me!” (absolution)
04:22 When to stop talking about it? (90% trust)
05:18 Yes, keep talking, but… (one caveat)
06:23 Solutions: Three options if he won’t talk about it***
07:32 Friends/Family (Solution: how to find out if they’re safe)***
09:09 Guys: an option to BOLDLY face it all
09:57 “I don’t want to talk about this right now… (or any more)”
10:34 Regarding bringing it up to your husband (deathbed listening)
12:26 One thing to keep in mind (short phrases, repeated back)
13:07 Options for Guys (the car wreck)***
15:29 Your Nobility (1 in 8 Billion)
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
(*Trigger Warning for the Final Section*)
This heartfelt and candid video delves into a sensitive topic that some women struggle with: “Why do some husbands choose recovery while others do not. Is that about the wife… is that about me?”
Prompted by a deeply vulnerable question from my client, MB, I explore various factors that might influence a man's decision to commit to recovery—coping mechanisms, risk and vulnerability, as well as the impact of past trauma—in an effort to help you put a few nagging, painful questions to rest.
(But please note there is a ***Trigger Warning for the concluding segment*** which discusses sensitive topics like appearance.) Join me as we navigate these complex emotions and questions together.
Timestamps
00:00 Introduction and Question
01:27 Trigger Warning (and where she was coming from)
02:41 Addressing: What's Wrong with Me?
03:06 If counselors had to guess between me and her
04:06 Even if the wife was a ‘true monster’
05:05 Coping mechanisms (“I’m the kind of guy who…”)
05:47 Real relationship might feel too vulnerable to him
07:32 Accolades are enough?
07:55 “It seems so easy!” (and the issue of The Void)
10:17 Understanding men's desires
12:14 “The steps aren’t hard” and that’s the unfortunate thing
14:03 Being known as a guy who…
14:28 Trigger Warning: The Looks Piece (it’s about him)
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Jay and Lori talk about the typical time it takes for an addict to readjust sources of dopamine, as well as why it can take longer… or shorter.
Timestamps
0:00 Intro & Question
0:18 What the experts say
0:36 Solution: What helps it end overnight
1:13 When you should go longer
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this short video, we answer to the question, “Do all strugglers relapse” as well as the top two things partners can do if the addict keeps relapsing. We’ll also share one of the first things addicts have to do in order to overcome porn.
Timestamps
0:00 Introduction and first question
0:21 The first thing a guy has to do to quit porn
0:37 Top 2 things a partner can do (and do they work?)
1:24 Are our breathing techniques posted online (and why)
2:11 What we do with our clients
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Join Jay and Lori Pyatt from The Couple Cure as they tackle two questions about screen addiction and boundaries for devices. In this short video, they discuss image addictions, strategies for effective accountability, and appropriate boundaries—including boundaries Jay holds himself to—as well as practical advice to help you navigate this challenging issue. Tune in to learn more about creating a balanced, tech-conscious home.
The phone I use can be found here: Gabb Phone
TIMESTAMPS
00:00 Introduction and This Week's Question
00:18 Understanding Image Addiction
00:41 Strategies for Effective Accountability
01:05 Appropriate Boundaries around Technology (Jay’s personal boundaries)
02:03 Healthy Alternatives to Screen Time
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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Struggling with tips that don’t help you HEAL? Maybe God has a unique plan for you, one that is key for long-lasting and UNBREAKABLE FREEDOM and JOY. Learn why your journey is different… and why that’s to your greatest ADVANTAGE. Watch to reveal this EXTRA-ordinary path.
Timestamps:
0:00 Welcome! Let’s get moving…
0:47 Solution: A proven strategy for Trauma Healing
0:59 Exploring the backstory (fun, deep and CREEPY)
3:45 The first answer revealed (how to live)
4:35 The Ultimate Answer revealed & The FIRST PATH
5:44 The SECOND PATH: Going for it
9:43 What sparks it? Understanding the trigger
10:51 Faster Relief (from my journey to 4 key lessons)
12:35 Can you relate? How to move forward
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#betrayaltrauma
#betrayalrecovery
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
This video offers a compassionate and practical approach to navigating an addicts relapse and lack of remorse, providing you with ways to foster healthier relationships. Join in and discover what JV does to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro & Question
1:33 Main Answer Explained
2:55 First steps
3:25 When intuition suggests success
4:10 Rejecting this... (if he won't talk to you)
4:57 A needed type of physical touch
5:37 Steps for your toughest questions
5:57 Do this with your love... (outside the dynamic)
6:27 Expanding your world
6:56 Her most important move (extremely well, despite him)
7:35 When you feel distant from God...
8:06 Motivating positive change (this isolation)
9:28 Sparking change in addicts (it doesn't have to mean...)
11:16 Increase this healthy action
11:40 More intimacy for a s-x addict?
12:23 An alternative for lasting peace
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
If someone in your life says THEY CAN’T HELP HOW THEY ACT in relationship because of what happened to them in the past, we cover one way to tell, and offer a few solutions.
Note: while this video is in response to someone’s question about their husband [after a CSAT said ‘disclosure would be a waste of time,’] the concepts can be used in your other relationships as well.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:07 Question: Disclosure a WASTE OF TIME due to…? (“EMOTIONAL INVALID”)
0:55 I explain EMPATHY Daily / I carry the load
1:15 Answer on having to explain EMPATHY
1:42 Solution: If counselor says DISCLOSURE is a waste of time
2:05 Solution: HOW TO KNOW if his past trauma halts your healing
3:00 Jay used past trauma to deflect (EMOTIONAL HIJACKING)
3:24 The more he feels REAL FEELINGS…
3:54 Answer regarding If he does have childhood trauma
4:31 Solution & THE KEY SIGN for Lori
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Ever wonder if your relationship has (or if your relationships have) healed from the trauma you’ve experienced?
*Note that, while this video mainly talks about marital relationships, the concepts APPLY TO YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS as well. If a well-meaning but uninformed friend, family member, counselor or church didn’t understand what you were going through, we'll share some signs to know it might be safe to trust the relationship again.*
While this video is not a definitive list, it covers 15 signs we noticed in our own marriage, as well as things our clients exhibit as trust is rebuilt.
Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction & Disclaimer
0:40 (1) This thinking changes
2:07 (2) “I’m gonna do this no matter what!”
2:54 (3) Accepting he is an addict (and what Lori used to think)
4:20 (4) Allies
5:01 (5) When he appreciates…
5:46 (6) Triggers
7:21 (7) Treating you as an equal, not as…
8:28 (8) His engagement in the relationship (not abdication, but also not…)
9:45 When Jay elbowed his way into our spiritual life together
10:08 Solution: Guys do this to help her heal
10:32 (9) Taking your feedback
11:24 (10) An early sign the relationship is healing—and the ‘her pain’ word picture that makes Lori cry
13:56 (11) When bad conversations are rare because of this…
15:32 (12) Recovering after bad conversations
16:12 (13) Peace, here
16:37 (14) He burned your life down, but…
17:27 (15) The ultimate thing that can give you peace in your relationship
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
***Disclaimer: You may have signs of healing that are not on this list. This list is not definitive; it’s just what we have seen in our work with betrayed partners of porn addicts / sex addicts.***
Ever wonder if you’ll know when you’ve healed from the trauma you’ve experienced? This video covers many signs Lori noticed in her own life, and that our clients exhibit as they recover as well.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro and *Disclaimer* (and what to expect)
1:04 1-Your creativity will…
3:05 2-Techniques that work for you
3:35 3-Playing again
4:36 4-Regarding the brain fog
5:22 5-Problems with computers/phones
6:43 6-Regarding your household tasks
7:31 7-When you sleep at night
8:35 One thing that increases brain fog
9:05 8-You and Grace
10:01 9-When you say, “I matter”
10:39 10-Happiness or manic-ness (I used to fake it)
11:21 11-The smaller joys
12:33 12-Your triggers
12:44 13-New experiences (a client story)
13:53 Your triggers, revisted
16:01 14-Things that concerned you before…
16:31 15-Getting excited about… (and our cat, Morgan)
--
https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice - Show more
