Episodes
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In this episode, Donna Jones joins Dr. Saundra to share how to fight fair by communicating our opinions with grace, truth, and zero regret.
Connect with Donna on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: A Biblical Guide for Communicating Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and Zero Regret.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Karen Whiting joins Dr. Saundra to discuss how growing a joyful heart leads to abundant living.
Connect with Karen on Facebook.
Get your copy of Growing a Joyful Heart: Devotions of Accepting God's Gifts for Abundant Living.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Missing episodes?
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This week on I Choose My Best Life, Wanda McKnight Brock helps us fill our wellness tanks back up.
Connect with Wanda on Facebook.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Kimberly Woodhouse joins us this week to share simple ways everyone can start on their journey toward health.
Register for free to join A Million Miles with Kim.
Get your copy of Welcome Home: Our Family's Journey to Extreme Joy.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Debbie Ryan joins Dr. Saundra to discuss how choosing a health partnership can improve your physical, mental, and financial health.
Learn more about how Christian Care Ministry can help.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Donna Kincheloe shares ways we can choose to improve our spiritual tool kit and live with more joy.
Connect with Donna on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of A Life Just Like Mine: How God and Nursing Turned Past Pain into Present Peace.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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This week on I Choose My Best Life, Nicole O. Salmon helps us choose courage and confidence through unboxing who we were created to be.
Download Nicole's 3 Myth Busters and Prayer For Moving On HERE.
Get your copy of Courage and Confidence A Bold Guide to Unboxing Who You Were Created to Be.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Lee Ann Mancini joins Dr. Saundra to explain how parents can prepare the ground of their kids' hearts to receive the seed of God's truths.
Connect with Lee Ann on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of Raising Kids to Follow Christ: Instilling a Lifelong Trust in God.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Stephanie Rousselle joins us this week to share how we live our best life when we define success as a life intentionally lived in delight for the glory of God.
Check out the Gospel Spice podcast.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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In this episode, Sarah Frazer helps us see how life's plot twists and interruptions are actually the ways in which God is working.
Connect with Sarah on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of I Didn't Sign Up for This: How to Rest in God's Goodness When Your Story Shifts.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Rachel Miller joins Dr. Saundra to discuss honoring our unmet longing while not becoming a victim of it.
Download Rachel Miller's Prayer Guide for Unmet Longing.
Get your copy of When It Hurts to Hope: Honest Conversations about Living with Unmet Longing.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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In this episode, Danielle Cobo joins us to share ways to break through roadblocks standing between achieving our goals.
Check out Danielle's Unstoppable Grit Podcast.
Get your copy of Unstoppable Grit: Break Through the 7 Roadblocks Standing Between You and Achieving Your Goals.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Dieula Previlon shows how God meets us on our trauma-healing journey to remind us we are seen and known.
Connect with Dieula on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of Does God See Me?: How God Meets Us in the Center of Our Trauma-Healing Journey.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Cody Andras takes us on a journey to envision what it looks like to be one who walks with Jesus by your side.
Connect with Cody on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of Jesus By Her Side: Finding the Nearness of God Through the Eyes of the Women in the Gospels.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Dr. Tim Elmore joins me on this episode to help us identify leadership qualities in ourselves and those around us.
Connect with Dr. Tim on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of I Can't Wait.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Janet McHenry helps us discover our unique prayer personality and begin our journey to an authentic lifestyle of prayer.
Take Janet's Prayer Personality Quiz.
Get your copy of Praying Personalities: Finding Your Natural Prayer Style.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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In this episode, Erin Warren helps us to live a life of feasting on truth and daily releasing prayers of faith.
Connect with Erin on Facebook and Instagram.
Get your copy of Everyday Prayers for Faith: Finding Confidence in God No Matter What.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Brant Hanson shares how we can choose to find joy and dance while living in a world that sometimes appears to have gone mad.
Learn more about the work being done at CURE International Children's Hospitals.
Get your copy of Life Is Hard. God Is Good. Let's Dance.: Experiencing Real Joy in a World Gone Mad.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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Danielle Brooks joins me on this episode to share how we can choose to amplify our freedom in life and business.
Check out Danielle's Amplify Your Income Resource Guide.
Get your copy of Profit & Proof.
Show Notes:
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Welcome everyone. This is Dr. Saundra and you're listening to I Choose My Best Life. Today we're chatting with Danielle Brooks, who's going to help us be able to choose to amplify our freedom and get to a place in our life and our businesses where it does not feel so stressful. So Danielle, I want to thank you for joining us and welcome you to the show.
Let me have you begin by sharing a little bit about yourself and the type of work that you do.
Danielle Brooks: Hello, Dr. Saundra. Thank you so much for inviting me and allowing me to be on your platform. So, a little about myself. I am a mom of four kiddos who are under seven years old, and I've been married for nine years to my college sweetheart.
And I've been a virtual CFO for the past 11 years. So, we help small business owners with their accounting, bookkeeping, and payroll all across the country.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Excellent. And that's perfect for this time of the year with everybody thinking about getting all their taxes and all their stuff together. So, I would love to go a little bit deeper into how you tend to work with small business owners.
Now, for you, I know this has been a journey of learning how to create freedom and flexibility in your life. What inspired you to start sharing that with other business owners?
Danielle Brooks: What inspired me to create freedom and flexibility for small business owners was truly my mom. She had been in business for seven years. Before I started helping her grow her business, and she had not had a vacation, she was working a whole lot more than I felt like she should at that point in her life.
And I honestly just wanted to help her. And so she asked me to help her with sales because I came from a sales background. I used to work for ExxonMobil in a sales territory role. When I asked her for her financials, because all my sales meetings started with the finances, she ultimately didn't have clean financials to present to me. She didn't have a profit and loss statement. She didn't have a balance. She didn't know what her numbers were. And so I ended up creating her financials from just basically creating all her accounting and bookkeeping system. Then, there is a time tracking for her staff.
Ultimately I was able to help save her over 40 hours per month. Within a year of working with me, she and my dad took two weeks off, and they went to Italy and Rome. they really just wanted more freedom for their own life at that stage in life. And she didn't really know how to do that because she had grown this business beyond where she had planned and was literally going week to week payroll to payroll and was just truly, I feel held hostage by her business and staff that she created for herself.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: This is such an important topic for those who are business owners and entrepreneurs, and getting in when you first start off with the business, you're so motivated to see the business succeed. But I think sometimes it's easy to get to a point where you don't realize that you have become hostage to your business, that you've gotten into a place where you can't take time off, and you can't move with freedom within your company and have that flexibility in your life. And I know that you, as a business owner, have dealt with this as well, wanting to find that level of, I don't like to say, balance. I oftentimes say harmony. And one of the ways you found that to be possible is by hiring the right people.
Can you elaborate on the importance of hiring the right people and how it improves business operations and can lead us to a place of freedom as an entrepreneur?
Danielle Brooks: Yes, I feel like so many people that start their business journey by themselves, the solopreneur, they've done everything in the business from what took place on the back end to the sales on the front end, and they're so used to know about all by themselves that once the business continues to grow, they don't honestly think about how to remove themselves from the business process.
And so I, I encourage small business owners to, from the very beginning, start putting processes in place, document how you do what you do. Before you even hire the first person, eventually, you can start letting some of those things go. And so I honestly encourage people to make a list of all the things they do.
You'll start without even knowing it, building out a job description, and then truly look at where it's taking the most time and effort for you to basically do whatever is taking the most time and effort from your business and your life, that's usually where I start to encourage people to look to hire.
And so for me, when I first started my business and it's taking care of the accounting and bookkeeping for small business owners, the bookkeeping portion took a lot of my time and energy. At that time, my business had grown with my family, but as a business started to pick up beyond helping my mom, I had two kids, and I'm over here trying to take care of like at least three things.
At that time, I had three clients where I was in their accounting bookkeeping at night while taking care of the kids throughout the day. My husband worked full-time. And so I looked at where all my time was going, and there really was the bookkeeping. So my first hire was the accountant to start releasing some of the bookkeeping responsibilities so I could focus on the strategy and consulting.
I needed clean financials, but I didn't have to produce those myself in order to provide a strategy for my clients.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Yeah, I think that's a hard one. I feel for a lot of entrepreneurs and business owners because when you may know that you need to hire someone, I think oftentimes the thought process is I don't have enough revenue to be able to bring in teams, or they're afraid of the responsibility of having these people that are on payroll.
What are some strategies or insights that you would share with them on how they can identify new revenue streams or even leverage existing ones to be able to have the freedom to do this and to get those right people on the team?
Danielle Brooks: So one thing I like to always encourage you when they are, of course, hesitant to hire, it's just like when you're as far as managing other financials, that there's always the investment comes before the return, you're going to have to invest money into the stock market before you see your return. And I feel like you have to invest time and energy in your team before you ultimately see your return and the freedom they're going to provide for you.
And so where I first start is having, once again, a clean bookkeeping system to determine how much money you're making and how much money you're spending. So we can, before you hire someone, make sure that you actually have the income to bring someone on, that you can actually afford to pay for somebody.
But then there may be a point where, hey, at the very beginning, you may be paying out more than what you're bringing in initially, but they're freeing up the time for you to now go out and sell and be the face of the business. So I would look at what, that's where I'm saying what's usually taking the most time from you and then focus on handing those things off to give you more time and energy to now grow the business, whether it's the sales side, producing the product that you're selling, but where I usually encourage people to have a clean bookkeeping system first to figure out.
How much it's costing you to run the business and then how much money you're making to ultimately determine how much you can afford to pay somebody.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: The other thing about that is, oftentimes trying to make sure that you have time for some of the things that you want to do. I feel like that's a big part of the flexibility that we're looking for.
And the freedom we're looking for is proclaiming our time so that we're able to go to our child's soccer game or dance recital or whatever it may be, having some time freedom to be able to do those things. What are some practical strategies that you've incorporated within your own life to be able to build in some rest routines?
Danielle Brooks: So as the family has continued to grow, I honestly, I lean on my calendar a lot in order to block out the certain time that I'm going to spend with family, a certain time I'm going to be working. And I would also like to encourage, of course, a small business owner, usually, hey, when you first get started.
You're looking to just make money from anywhere. And you might be taking on more work than you should because you have this income goal. But a lot of times, when you just stay focused on and get really great at delivering a certain service, then the income can grow a lot faster than when you focus on one area versus having your focus spread out across a lot of different areas.
When I first started my business, I was speaking from experience. So, I didn't start out only doing accounting bookkeeping. I have always loved photography. I've been creative. I used to do graphic design. I did all these different things, but my income did not truly grow until I niched down to truly focus on one type of service.
And I did that also because, like I said, it was the freedom I was looking for in my life. I recognize being a photographer. That for the different people I was helping out they want me to be a photographer on the weekends. I want to spend time with my family on the weekends. And so that time blocking, when I looked ahead at my schedule and what I wanted for my life, I had to then focus on what was going to fit inside of the ideal life I wanted.
I wanted to be at home with my family on the weekends. I wanted to also have a general, like normal, work day so I could be with the kids when they get off from school. So I really had to determine what type of business was going to fit into the lifestyle that I wanted.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: That's so important. I think that basically comes back to defining what success looks like for you.
Because it's easy to look at someone else's story and be like, Oh, they're so successful. But if their success is keeping them out of the house all the time, and they're on the road all the time, and they're not able to do some of these things that are important to you, you really have to define success for yourself and look at your own priorities.
Look at the things that move your heart in that really are the reason why you work and the reason why you want to have a business and have revenue and income and all those things coming in. So I'd love for you to share a little bit about maybe a success story that you've seen within your own work, where someone was able to amplify their freedom through applying some of these things that you've talked about.
Danielle Brooks: Yes. So I have a client of mine who's been applying for a few years now that came because they wanted additional assistance on really increasing their profit in their business. So we are also a profit-first certified firm. When he first came to me, he was paying a bonus for his team off of the top line.
Basically, it is the amount of money that came in. His team had a certain amount of money he was paying out, but it didn't take into account the amount of expenses the company had. Therefore, he was paying out money before he actually accounted for how much it cost him to run the business. So I helped him put a profit strategy in place for his business that allowed him truly to have more freedom.
Also, when he came to us, he took care of the bookkeeping on his own. So, hiring us gave him an entire day back that he was spending in the office, and he was now able to take care of more clients. He's an eye doctor, and the amount that he pays us in one month, he's able to make back in a day.
And so that's where I've been able to provide the freedom for him to continue growing his business, but also increasing the bottom line. So now his team has a profit in a bonus structure that didn't wasn't there initially. And now the team is actually making more money on a bonus. The company is making more money in profit, and he has more time and energy to spend working when he wants and also taking time off as needed.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: I think that's what every business owner wants, that ability to scale and to grow on that level without the stress, really, because that's what it boils down to, the stress of growth. It sometimes, I feel, keeps us from actually being able to expand to the level of what our business is and whatever.
Whatever area and talent God's given us to be able to stretch it, to be able to grow without fear. So with yourself, one of the things that you have done and you've been able to do is to really invest in your team at a high level. I oftentimes brag that you were one of the few employers who brought staff with them to our rest retreats, and so I'd love to hear a little bit more about why you feel like it's important to not only yourself be taken care of and nurtured and well rested, but also for your team to be taken care of and nurtured and be well rested.
Danielle Brooks: I love that you asked me that question. And honestly, it just makes sense to me to do as much as I can. I want to create a safe, happy, healthy environment for my team as well. And I feel like most employers want you just to deliver the products. And then you have your life separate, but I truly feel as if you're talking about that harmony. I don't know about the whole work-life balance, but there, I feel like there's a need for harmony between your work and your life.
And if things are not well at work, then it typically bleeds over into not being well at home. And so I honestly would love to, as much as I can, create a safe, happy, rested environment at work so that my team is happy, healthy, and rested at home. And so that was, I feel, one of the main reasons why I wanted to bring them to the rest retreat.
One, I saw that was the second retreat I had been to, and I saw how rested I was when I first left for the first time. And I felt like that would be, honestly, just a blessing, a gift that I could give my team. I feel like if you are able to show up while at home, you can continue showing up while at work as well.
We can ultimately produce a better service and end product for our clients when we are happy and healthy whole people.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Yeah, and I think it really just showed great leadership because, one of the things that I find that, that is really the catalyst that people don't. I appreciate personal leadership in growing a business.
There's a level of personal leadership where we, as leaders, if you're the owner of the company, you are the leader. You have to take responsibility for not only the revenue but also for the culture of your company. You're taking ownership of how your relationships are within the company and being able to determine that there's a certain culture that you want within your organization and then following whatever the next steps are.
Same as you would follow a financial plan, following those next steps to make sure that the culture rises to a higher level, even as your revenue rises to a higher level. I know right now that a lot of people are fighting to get all of their tax stuff aligned for their bookkeeper or accountant and all of those things.
Share a little bit for the person who may not even know the difference between a bookkeeper and an accountant. How do we even know who we need in the process of getting our finances and our business in
Danielle Brooks: order? I'm so glad you asked that question. Yes, most people come to our company wanting us to help them with taxes, and we actually don't do taxes, but we do everything that you need to have an order for tax time.
So it's seamless for your tax accountant. So, the difference between a bookkeeper and an accountant, I like to explain that the bookkeeper really is just they're just the reporter. Their job is to document everything that happened in your bank, making sure it matches what happens in your bookkeeping system.
The accountant typically will provide additional insight and strategy based on what those financials are. And it's possible to have your accountant do the bookkeeping, but it's not usual that the bookkeeper is also providing the strategy and accounting. So there are also tax accountants that provide that accounting view strategy, and they also do your taxes.
But our company, as a CFO, is providing the strategy and the analysis based on those financials,
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Based on your expertise, where do you see the biggest opportunity to empower small business owners to achieve their own definition of success in their businesses?
Danielle Brooks: I think the biggest opportunity is one taking a step back and defining, as you said previously, what success looks like for you.
And it's going to be different for everybody. Be okay with looking within yourself. Then, own what success looks like for you. And one thing is you mentioned, as far as bringing my team to the rest of the street, one thing that I didn't realize as it comes to growing a business that, Oh, I now am going to be a leader when it comes to growing a team.
That wasn't something that just made sense to me initially. I was just like, Oh, I've got a bunch of work that I can't handle. I need help. And I didn't realize that I was going to also be a leader in the midst of growing a team. And so with that. I still continue to hone and change. I feel like a little bit about what success looks like for me.
So be okay with whatever it looks like for you. It's maybe different than the next person who may not have kids, or even if you do have kids and you want to travel and bring your kids with you, or you want to be at home. I just encourage people and all my clients. When they first start working with us, I ask them what their goals are for the next one, three, or five years.
So that we're all moving in the same direction, I want to help them. Get to wherever it is. They see they're supposed to go wherever God is leading them. We are a team here, but be okay with defining success for yourself and then making the right next step to get there.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Danielle, how can people get in touch with you to learn more about you and your services?
Danielle Brooks: The easiest way is to go to our website: pearlbc.com. You can go to our contact page if you would like help with our services; I also have a book coming out a little bit later this year that provides more insights and examples of how we've helped other clients amplify their freedom.
And there are also additional resources to help people really still continue to amplify their freedom, but you'll find all that on our website.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: And you have a free resource. Is that correct?
Danielle Brooks: Yes. So they're a free resource. If they go to our website, it'll be at the top there. And it's really; I feel what's a tool, a resource guide to help the small business owner that is starting out potentially by yourself, but how to continue to just take the one step in order to release some of the things that are taking up your time and energy on a day to day basis to provide that freedom for you.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Excellent. Then y'all, I want to thank you so much for joining us and helping us understand how we can choose to amplify our freedom within our businesses. Until next time, everyone live fully, love boldly, and rest intentionally.
I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts
I Choose My Best Life
Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free
Connect with Saundra:
Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith
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In this episode, Dr. Tope Keku joins me to discuss how we can choose to trust God when we face bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment in our relationships.
Take Dr. Tope's Healthy Marriage Quiz.
Get your copy of Weathering Storms: Finding Treasures in the Ruins.
Show Notes:
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Welcome everyone. This is Dr. Saundra, and you're listening to I Choose My Best Life, where today we're going to be chatting about trust in our marriage. How do we get over hard situations? How do we keep staying faithful to the one we said yes to? And I have with me today Dr. Tope Keku, who is a certified life and marriage coach, as well as an author, speaker, and Bible teacher.
To help us with this journey so that we can stay faithful, even during times of difficulty. Tope, welcome to the show.
Dr. Tope Keku: Thank you, Dr. Sandra. Thank you for having me
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: here. I know most of the time when someone writes a book or goes deep into a topic, there's usually some backstory to it. So I'd love for you to begin by sharing a little bit about who you are and your journey in this topic.
Dr. Tope Keku: Okay. So a little bit of a back story about me is that I am a child of God. And I'm passionate about helping women find their way out of these terms of life. And how did I get to this place? A little bit is that I am from Nigeria. Originally, I was born and raised in Lagos, Nigeria. I grew up in a Christian home, always known the Lord since I was a child, I've always known the Lord.
But at age seven, I gave my life to Christ. And this will make sense in a minute. So I just need to give you a little bit of this backstory so you can understand where I'm coming from. I gave my life at age seven, was raised in a Christian home, and always had a relationship with the Lord.
There's never a time that I can remember that I haven't had a relationship with the Lord. One thing that sets that relationship about is that when I was four years old, I started to have dreams and visions, and I would share them with my parents. And when I shared those dreams and visions my parents did, I didn't understand what they meant.
But they would. Take it seriously. They would help me. And this kind of taught me to nurture that. So that became what began my relationship with the Lord one-on-one. And then seeing my parents for us to model that. Daily living in faith was a backdrop to where I am today as a Christian and as a child of God.
Now, fast forward to my marriage. My husband and I came to the U. S. from Nigeria. We went to school here. Both of us went to graduate schools here. And we got involved in the American life. Just, the good old American life taking care of family, running daily, working hard, trying to make ends meet, all of that.
But we lost something vital in relationships. And that's connection. We lost that. And so as we lost that, that became then a bone of contention, a lot of arguments, a lot of back and forth, and just the peace was out the window. And so, for me, where my comfort is in the Lord. So that's why I needed to give you that background.
So I went back to the Lord. And I said I don't understand what is going on here. And because we had hit this crisis point where it was constant tension, I decided to leave for two weeks. And as I left for two weeks, it wasn't just, I'm done. I'm out of here for me. It's, I want to gain clarity. My heart is always towards the Lord.
What do you want to do here? What are you doing here? And so, while going away for two weeks, I was fasting, praying, reading the word, listening, and asking the Lord a lot of questions. And in that process, he began to show me what would happen. What would happen? If I trusted him, and the question he asked me was, will you trust me?
And you might say, did you hear him audibly? No, I didn't hear him audibly. I didn't hear audibly, but he came to me again. The way he speaks to me is in dreams. He came through two dreams. The first dream was in that dream. I saw a road. It was a paved road. It looked beautiful. But then suddenly, there was a big break in the road.
And it was, I was like, how am I even going to cross? So I'm standing there thinking, how will I get to the other side of this? This is terrible. This is a mess. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I saw these big, heavy trucks coming, and they began to fill in the roads. They began to repair it. And then I woke up.
And when I woke up, I said, Lord, what does this mean? Are you trying to tell me that you will repair my marriage? If I will trust Jesus, what are you saying? I still didn't get a clear answer, but I had a sense that this was where he was bleeding. And then, if that wasn't enough, he showed me in his second dream, what again, where his heart is in all of this.
And in that second dream, I saw a big body of water, and in that big body of water, there was a big snake. If you know me, I do not like snakes. I don't know about you, but I do not like snakes anywhere. This snake was huge. It was huge around like a truck. It was as big as a truck, and it had many colors and many layers to it.
And this snake was moving, you know, when they say as slow as molasses? This snake was moving ever so slowly, coming towards me. And I was like, Lord, please make it go away, make it go away. And then suddenly, it turned ever so elegantly, if you can say something like that, ever so elegantly turned around and started moving away.
Then my son came and threw a rock in the water, and the snake again did that like he was going to turn and look towards me, but then changed his mind and then just continued to go away, and then I woke up, and I was like, Lord, wow, what are you saying? And then I heard again in my spirit, not audibly, but in my spirit, will you trust me?
This situation is bigger than yours. It's not even about you. But will you trust me to walk with you through it? My word didn't say that you would not have any trouble. It didn't say that you will not have trials. It said that even though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will walk with you.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Amen. I love how you bring in your relationship with God and even how you process with God because I think sometimes we forget to inquire of the Lord in our situation, so I love how you bring in the dreams and just how he speaks to you. One of the things I think that's so important is, I, there's Most of us who are married have had those moments in our relationship when hard stuff happens and when it happens, depending on kind of our own personality and how open we are to correction and to being able to listen to how Holy Spirit is leading us. That can sometimes play such a big role. When you talk about trusting God, what does that mean to you Exactly.
Dr. Tope Keku: Wow. Trusting God is fundamental. It's trusting God means I believe that He is who He says he is, that He will do what He says He will do that even if I have my doubts and my questions, which of course I did have, so I will not lie to you, I had a lot of questions, but it's bringing them to Him.
And one of the things that really helps me is David. David in the Psalms. Look at Psalm 13. David is not sugarcoating what he's feeling, what he's thinking, what he's going through. How long, Lord? How long will you forget me here? And so if David, who is the man after God's heart, could Ask those fundamental questions.
It gave me freedom. I found freedom in the Psalms to be able to come to the Lord with my questions. Lord, I've worked with you for a long time. I've known you. I've served you. I've done all this. Why are you still letting all these things happen? Why is all this going on? What are you doing here? But then the Lord brought me to this place.
You're asking the wrong question. So good. It's not why. Ask me what I am doing in this situation.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: I Want to go deeper into that because you talk about, when all of this was going on with your marriage, you took a moment to step back. Which, some people will say you should stay put and try to work it out.
But I think there's some wisdom sometimes in putting a little bit of separation so that you don't keep escalating the toxicity. Sometimes, you have to work on yourself for a minute before you can work on us as a couple. Yeah. So, when you took that time to step away, what did God show you during that time?
And how did you progress after he asked you that question? Do you trust me?
Dr. Tope Keku: Yeah, that's a very good question. While I was going away for those two weeks, I reached out to a really good friend. I don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a few close friends.
So, I reached out to one particular friend that I know. I can trust her with this situation, and I can trust that she hears the Lord's will. So I reach out to her, and I say, Hey, listen, here's what's going on. Do you mind praying along with me? And whatever the Lord tells you, do not lie to me.
You come back and tell me what you're hearing. And so half that time, while I was fasting and praying, she was also fasting and praying along and praying. And then she called me one day. She says, talk by, I'm not hearing that you should leave your marriage. What I'm hearing is you should stay put and trust the Lord.
So that was confirmation. So I, then I thanked him. I said thank you for sharing that because you just confirmed what the Lord's shown me, and this is how he's shown me. And then the next part, once, once I got that confirmation, it was like, okay, I'm staying put. Now, Lord, what, how do we go from here?
And then the Lord began to show me it's not even about my marriage. You think you know what the problem is, right? Many times we think when we're married, we think, ah, here's the problem. I'm not the problem. The Lord did an about turn-up, bringing a big floodlight into my own issues and my own gaps.
And one of the key things was I didn't know who I was. I was living according to who I profess to be. I didn't know my identity in Christ. And he began to show me layers of bitterness, layers of unforgiveness. All of this nasty stuff that we had to admit about ourselves. He began to show that. And so the marriage took a back seat.
It was; he was going to work on me first. And whatever he was going to do with the marriage was not of consequence right here. We're going to deal with me and my issues first. And then we can talk about anything else. So that began my journey of me. Finding my identity, rediscovering my identity in Christ, and embracing it.
So, it's been a journey of discovering my identity in Christ, embracing forgiveness, cultivating intimacy with him, and having gratitude and hope. Every day, having hope. And I can expand more on those key treasures that he showed me during that time.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: That's so good. I think so often you're absolutely right.
When something like this happens, and we're in a relationship with other people, it's so easy to look at them and say they did this and this, they're wrong here, and God, fix them. God works on their heart. It's easy to look at. Like you said, we're shining the spotlight on them.
And we resist that, that need to actually look at ourselves and reflect on our own part in the situation and how we're actually helping to perpetuate some of the problems. And it's so needed. I think sometimes we rush into relationships; none of us like to be alone, so to speak. So I have, I sometimes fear that.
Especially when I'm sitting, and I'm talking to single friends that they want a spouse or they want a family. Sometimes I feel like we rush into relationships before we actually do the self work that needs to be done. And I feel like a lot of marriages have run into that problem because you find the person before you've actually found yourself, before you've actually taken the time to actually get that identity confirmed in your heart.
I want to address something that I think. Most of us would have an issue with, when God says, trust me in a situation, it's usually because we're not trusting him in that area. So there's some resistance and hesitation and a little bit of pulling back because of, maybe because of fear, maybe because of past experiences, I don't know.
How did you overcome that? Because for him to say, trust me, there had to be some trust disconnect initially.
Dr. Tope Keku: Yeah, so to trust him didn't mean that I didn't trust him on my own level. Trust is in layers. So, we trust in layers. When we first get to know someone, we cannot trust him a little bit.
And then, the more we get to trust them, the more we get to know them, then we can begin to trust and think about. the 12 disciples and the three that were in Jesus's innermost circle. He trusted all the 12, but then he brought this into his inner trust. So what I sensed the Lord was inviting me into is that place of deeper trust in him.
Not that I didn't have the truth, but to come deeper into a place of deeper trust in him. And, in that process, trusting him was going beyond just Checking off the box. So, performance was a key thing for me. Oh, we've done that, right? But trusting him meant I had to let go of the performance. I had to let go of, and I'm checking off the box, but coming truly into a place of sitting at his feet and being willing to listen, willing to allow him to show me new things and embracing those new things that he's showing me about myself, about himself and about myself.
Where he's at work in this situation and what he wants to do in the future.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: I love how you described that it's not that you necessarily didn't trust him, but he was taking you into a deeper level of trust, a deeper level of intimacy and relationship. And that's such a great kind of visual picture of the relationship that Jesus had with the disciples versus those.
Three, who are in a deeper level of relationship with him. So I want to get some details about some of the key lessons and revelations that you learned during this journey about yourself and about your identity in Christ.
Dr. Tope Keku: During this journey, I learned that I am a caring person, but everything is always conditional.
My love was conditional. If you did this for me, then I did this for you. If you did that and that, that has no; if you know that the Lord loves us unconditionally, that has no place in his kingdom. And so he's winning me off of that. And he showed me that my identity is not in my performance.
He helped me to see that my. What am I doing at two separate things? My who is secure in him. I don't have to stride. I don't have to all of this running to get the American dream chasing after the wind. I didn't need all that. I just needed to know who I am in him, and everything else that I do flows out of that.
So, my identity as a child of God is that I am loved beyond measure. I'm beloved by name. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am blessed. I am, I am approved. So I don't need to seek other people's approval. Oh, if I do this, or if I do that for them, they will like me. If I do this, there's no people-pleasing in this kingdom.
Be secure. He taught me to be secure in who I am in him. And for me, this is a daily battle because the enemy knows this is my struggle. And so, one of the things that I learned during that time was that the Lord took me on a journey for three months. I studied every day, Ephesians one, verses three to 14.
And I read that out aloud. I wrote down those. Key points on a note card stuck on a wall in my bathroom, and I still had those in my bathroom. I dress up in them every day, even this morning. I affirm to myself that this is who I am. And so that, for me, is a place of security. And then everything else that, if my identity as a mom is threatened, my identity as a wife is threatened, my identity as a colleague, as a friend, as whoever is threatened.
Those can be threatened, but this stays. And without getting to this, a lot more that I could ship, but without getting to all of that, every identity that I ever thought was my identity, all of those have been shaking. Marriage and finances have been shaking. Work has been shaking.
What else? Health has been shaking. Any identity that, anything that I could just put my identity in, they've all been stripped, including homelessness. And so that for me has helped me to stay secure in this and to know without a shadow of a doubt, I am loved by the father.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Oh, that's beautiful.
And you had to work through some things. I know there were five specific areas that you mentioned, including bitterness and unforgiveness, resentment, anger, and communication. I'm sure there's somebody who's listening right now who has either walked. They went through similar journeys and are still in that healing process within their marriage.
Or there might be someone who's married right now, who's thinking, you know what? I don't know if I need to go away for a couple of weeks, a month, or somewhere in between there, but I need out. What are some strategies and insights that you have that address these issues of our own heart that need to be mended to help improve our relationships?
Dr. Tope Keku: I think the key is to do that work with the Lord, not to, yes, the marriage may have problems. Yes, you may have relational issues with whatever, but leave that alone for a while and just focus on yourself and the Lord. Lord, where am I with you? Where are we at? How is our relationship?
Because when that vertical is settled, then all the other horizontal relationships will fall in alignment. And so it's going to the Lord, getting that identity, securing him, embracing that identity, and then the forgiveness of the resentment, the bitterness. I would be honest. It doesn't go away in one day.
So unforgiveness was a key thing. I have both resentment and unforgiveness. And every day, I would say, I can't do it. I just can't. I can't forgive. There's no way I can do this. This is too hard. And one day, while I was running, I saw a vision of Jesus Christ on the cross. I was coming up this hill, and I saw that picture.
I was like, ah, and it broke my heart because I could see myself as one of the ones who put him there. And if he did that to redeem me, then who am I to say I can't forgive? And so I just said to him, Lord, I ask your help. Help me to forgive. I can't do it. Help me to. I surrender my need to be right. I surrender my need to fix this.
Help me to forgive. And it didn't happen overnight. But slowly, the bitterness, the unforgiveness, went away as I kept asking him for it. And one thing I would say, how do you know that you're no longer resentful? You're no longer harboring unforgiveness. When you think about whatever the issue is that is creating the crisis, you.
If you no longer have any emotional triggers, then you're forgiven. You're forgiven the issue. It does not register on an emotional scale.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: We're chatting with Dr. Tope Akiku. She is a life and marriage coach and the author of a devotional book titled Weathering Storms, Finding Treasures in the Ruins.
Tope, I would love for you to share a little bit about your book and just what readers would find when they dive into this devotional.
Dr. Tope Keku: My book, Weathering Storms, was written to help women, so it captures some of the things that we've talked about. It's a 90-day devotional, and it was written to help women who are going through life's storms to get a heart for God in their situation.
They will find. Devotions that help them to take hold of their identity. Devotions that help them to deal with forgiveness. Devotions that call them to deeper intimacy into their secret place with God. Devotions that help them to cultivate gratitude on the journey. And then devotions that help them to embrace hope.
To always expect that something great is going to happen.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Yes, I know Toby has a real heart for helping women find their identity in Christ, renew their confidence, and help build those relationships back up so they can have those full lives in Christ, those John 10, 10 lives. So, Tobe, I want to make sure people know how to connect with you and learn more about your book and your other resources because you're also a speaker, and you do quite a bit of training as well with courses.
Dr. Tope Keku: Yeah, so people can find me on my website at hidden treasures and riches.com. They can also find all the resources there for the podcast, the coaching, speaking, and course courses as well. I have a free offering for your listeners today. If you wanna find out the health of your marriage, I have a quiz, a healthy Marriage quiz.
It's at hidden treasures and riches.com. Forward slash quiz.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Excellent. And I'll be sure to include the links to your books as well as your website and your freebie, the quiz. I think that's something all of us would benefit from just seeing where our marriages are and what we can do to help make them and ourselves stronger.
Toby, I want to thank you so much for joining me, and I'm going to give you the final words today before we close. If someone's listening right now and they are just in that place where they are struggling with any kind of relationship. What encouragement do you have for them?
Dr. Tope Keku: Today, if you're listening and struggling in your relationship, I want you to know that there is hope.
God loves you powerfully. He loves you personally, and he loves you passionately and never loses hope. Embrace your identity in him. Get alone with him. And lastly, get in a community of believers, people who are going to help you along this journey. It's not meant to be a journey that you go through alone.
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Until next time, everyone, live fully, love boldly, and rest intentionally.
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