Episodes
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In this episode we discuss the feeling we all have sometimes of not really knowing how to be a ‘grown-up’, and the sense we have that other people don’t have that struggle. But we all do at times! How to be a parent, an employee, a human. Our brains like to make sense of the world, so we tend to think there is a ‘right way’ to do life and yet there isn’t. All we can do is the best we can with our available resources – physical, mental, psychological. And the work is to accept that is good enough!
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Some people, (like us two!), are quite risk averse, but we are drawn to people who look like they are having more fun than us. If we want to be seen as fun, or popular, not to miss out then we can find ourselves doing things that we don’t feel comfortable with. If we aren’t aligned with our values then that really feels uncomfortable.
We can also find ourselves staying in contact with family members who are not good for us, who may be abusive. There can be lots of societal pressure on what it means to be a family, and that can make it really hard to put in boundaries that can support us.
The start point here might be to ‘zoom out’, to get some perspective on the impact of this relationship. This can help us to feel a sense of control, to be able to act in a way that is congruent with our needs, values and beliefs.
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Missing episodes?
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In this episode we explore that satisfaction is more about being content rather than trying to be happy all the time. As humans it’s hard for us to be OK with that – we seek out and crave the highs. Lots of what we learn from the world is that we ‘deserve’ a happily ever after’, however life is made up of all kinds of moments and ultimately ends for all of us with death! Often we have little control over how our life is, this is just how it is right now, and the work is to be OK, satisfied, with that. The things we think will satisfy us are usually external – shopping/drugs/food/etc. and these things are fleetingly pleasant at best. We discuss that satisfaction has to come from within, and how we can develop the skill of paying attention to the small things to support a feeling of satisfaction.
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In this episode we discuss how we can sometimes have a sense that we are about to be in trouble, without even knowing why. This can come from different sorts of parenting/authority figures and is a mechanism to keep us safe, it’s just a maladaptive one, and seems to come from a sense of loss of control. We are primed to get into a fluster, and then our inner critic can kick in and we start to catastrophise.
We discuss ways of managing this like noticing the sensations that arise in those moments (which is easier said than done) and then to ask ourselves whether it is true or not. ‘It’s probably ok, it usually is’ has become a bit of a mantra for us both, and something we share with our clients.
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In this episode we explore that others don't view us the way we see ourselves. The fact that we change over time is one of life’s great certainties, so family may have a very different view of us than friends do, and older friends a different version to the friends we have met more recently. We show different parts of ourselves to different people in different situations and yet all those parts are parts of us.
This conversation got a little existential – is there even a ‘real me’?! We discussed the idea that we amplify different aspects of ourselves with different people, in different times. And even with ourself when we are on our own. It can really support us to know that we are ever-changing, that everything is in flux, that there are different parts to us that show up in different amounts in different situations. And that’s OK, as long as we are true to our values!
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In this episode we discuss how boundaries, rather than putting up walls between us, are in fact about connecting us to others. They are also needed for taking care of ourselves and teaching others how to treat us. There are several different sorts of boundaries and we explore what these are and how they might show up. We talk about how we can use these ideas to take a step back, not to retaliate and to consider whether this is a ‘me thing’ or a ‘them thing’!
We also compare how we use the idea of boundaries in our respective client-work, and indeed in our own lives!
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In this episode we explore the tendency we have as humans to repeat mistakes. We often define ourselves through our behaviours – “This is what I always do...”, “I’m the sort of person who ...” and that can make it seem like we had no choice in those situations. For example, in relationships we can think it’s meant to be exciting – dating ‘bad boys’ rather than someone kind, reliable, or considerate.
We regularly do this when we are younger, and we discuss how this can become problematic if this continues to be our pattern into adulthood and old age.
Changing takes practice, it involves noticing when we are pulled into our old patterns, and stepping back from doing that. Believing we can change is hard – can I notice the behaviours and believe I CAN change? It’s a great feeling when we do!
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In this episode we discuss why we think we need to save things to use only for ‘good enough’ times. We explore the idea that we are denying ourselves the opportunity to wear or use our ‘best’ things, when we could use them whenever we want!
There’s a cultural norm about ‘keeping things for best’, which we maybe don’t really examine. We just do it because it’s what you do. What exactly are we saving things for – can today be a good enough occasion? And we do it with other things too – “when I retire I will ...”, but tomorrow is not guaranteed so perhaps we could do the things that bring us joy now.
Can we hold things more lightly, use them more frequently and ‘just’ for ourselves? Maybe set an intention to use and enjoy the things we currently save for best. We are worth it!!
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We generally like to set goals, to have a list and then tick things off. In this episode we discuss that there is however, a difference between tasks that can be completed (work/shopping/diy/etc.) and the goals that we generally set ourselves – things like ‘getting fit’, losing weight, being ‘happy’ etc. These tend to be punitive and unattainable, or at least unsustainable goals.
Not only are they unattainable, they also tend to be things we don’t want to do – so why do we do them?! A New Year is a time of reflection, so maybe we can focus more on how we would like to show up in the world. And the things our future selves will be grateful for!
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In this episode we discuss that we are sold an idea that there is one ‘right’ way to do life; that good things happen to good people. That leads us to think that we have ‘failed’ somehow when things don't go well or according to plan. Culturally we are given messages about how we are meant to be and if we fall outside that we feel bad.
If we zoom out to get a broader perspective, we can see that there are any number of ways to live, be happy. Can we step back from the traditional beliefs about success and think about the values we would like to embody? We might be happier in ourselves if we can accept that stuff goes ‘wrong’ and we might be pushed onto a different path. Life just unfolds, there is no ‘one right way’ that we must adhere to. It might help us to have less of an attachment to all things, perhaps work out what are the important people or things – not to put everything on stuff that is out of our control.
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In this episode we discuss how we are primed to notice things in our peripheral vision, it’s an evolutionary thing, and now it’s hard for us to prioritise all the things we can see, or the thoughts that flit through our heads. There is a sense sometimes of having too many windows open in the browser in our head, so we don’t feel that we can get into a flow with the task at hand!
If we can’t decide what is most important, we find our attention getting pulled away, particularly by social media. Getting a message on our phone gives us a small dopamine hit, it makes us feel good! So we are pulled to check it and respond if necessary. It’s a visceral, bodily feeling that we can notice, and learn to be aware of it. The practice is to learn to notice where we put our attention, and therefore choices we are making; and then make an intentional choice of where we put our attention and be present in the moment.
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In this episode we establish that there can be two types of "wanting to be perfect" one how we want others to see us, and the other how we feel about ourselves. There can be a striving to be the best version of ourselves, and judging when we have been a bit rubbish, as well as perfectionism about the outward version of ourselves. We compare a curated version of someone else with how we feel about ourselves, and we are unlikely to come out of that comparison well!
This podcast felt very personal for us both, we realised that we have a level of perfectionism that is linked to our anxiety and a desire to control our lives, the chaos outside seems to reflect the chaos or anxiety inside. We explored Adrienne’s desire to be ‘poised’ and realised this is her idea of what an easeful life would look like!
The work here is acceptance of how we are right now, to notice that we are good enough, as acceptance comes before we can decide which parts of ourselves we’d like to grow. It’s OK to embrace our imperfections and to accept ourselves!
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In this episode we discuss that ‘staying’ is both a physical thing –e.g. jobs, relationships etc and also we stay with behaviours that may have served us as children but aren’t useful any more as adults. These can be sedimented beliefs, things we can’t really see, and they can also be things we can see – if only I could change X I would be happier, for example. And this can be really uncomfortable especially if we can’t imagine what the change could be.
We explore the idea that there is not a fixed version of ourselves, we change over time, and with work and curiosity, we can allow ourselves to go with the changes rather than cling on to old, unhelpful strategies. The old ways may be familiar but can also be unsafe for us. What if the best happens with the change, what if it all works out?! Just because we feel the fear, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make the change.
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This episode is quite a personal one for both of us! We talk here about being vulnerable, showing all of ourself to others. We discuss our early memories of feeling shame and the impact that has had on us. These experiences mean that we often feel that we are having to navigate rules that we don’t quite understand. And if we have a strong inner critic then that can feed into us feeling that we need to control what we show others; we ‘need’ to be on the look-out for any criticism. It can be difficult to voice an opinion in case it is ‘wrong’, particularly when the world feels so divided. We ponder that the work is to practice caring less what others might think of us! Along with acknowledging that it would be helpful to practice kindness and compassion for ourselves.
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In this episode we discuss why there is something comforting about the familiar, even if it makes us unhappy! So we fall into our familiar patterns because they are what we always do in stressful situations. These may well have been behaviours that kept us safe as a child, but they often don’t serve us as adults. So how can we catch ourselves doing these things, and practice doing something different? This is not easy work, of course.
The work is in learning to observe our thoughts without believing that our thoughts are us. We can have agency and choice over what we do if we can learn to observe our thoughts (with kindness) when we are starting to get overloaded with adrenalin and cortisol. With perspective we can start to recognise our feelings, and that allows us to ask the question ‘is this true?’. And then do something helpful like using our breathing to sooth our ‘old brains’ and allow our thinking brains to come back on-line.
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In this episode we chat about how, when we feel insecure, we might lean on external things to create our sense of self. And if we do this, then the image we build up of our expectations of something can never live up to what we need it to be. Which is in turn upsetting for us. We can believe that everyone else has the same standards as us, but of course, everyone has had different experiences so that leads to having different values, standards, expectations.
We discuss that it can be much more helpful to see situations as moments, so we can have a difficult moment rather than the moment defining the whole day/weekend/holiday! It can be hard to cultivate this, though it is so rewarding to start to learn to catch how we are reacting, then consider what might be a more helpful response.
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In this episode we explore how we can be defensive about our opinions, and how when we are young we aren’t able to see the long-term consequences of our decisions. We chat about our personal experiences as younger adults, and how sticky it can be for all of us at any age when we are given unsolicited advice!
We discuss how therapy and mindfulness can help to develop an awareness of what’s not working for us in terms of us repeating patterns that aren’t serving us. We can work on hearing advice – knowing that we can discard it if it doesn’t resonate for us. Can we hear the intention behind the advice that is being offered, no matter how clumsy the wording might be? And can we learn how to feel what might be a good decision, rather than just staying with the thoughts that can get in our way?
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In this episode, we explore why we sometimes feel really alone, even when we might be among others. We are conditioned to think we are "supposed to" have a mate or partner and can feel inadequate if we find ourselves single. We chat about groups and belonging and that no one person or group can really meet all of our needs. Feeling alone or lonely can make us feel bad and we offer some advice around what we might do to help ourselves.
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This conversation focuses on both repairing relationships (romantic, friendships, family) that have broken down, and maintaining relationships where we feel that we always make the first move. We also talk about someone needing to make the first move to create and develop new relationships!
We often have a fear of rejection, so it takes courage to be the first one to reach out. There’s also a discomfort in putting ourselves in the position of reaching out first! This can feel like we are saying that maybe it was our fault which is particularly difficult if we really believe that it wasn’t!
One way of thinking about it might be to consider the consequences of not making the first move. If the relationship is NOT important to us, then perhaps it wouldn’t matter; but if there is a sense that we would regret the breakdown of the relationship then perhaps we need to find the courage to reach out first, and to explore what would happen if we don't make amends?
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We like to feel happy, it feels great! And it’s much better than feeling unsafe, or sad or any of the unpleasant emotions. So we reach for a ‘quick fix’ of external objects to make us feel better, but that dopamine hit does not last long, so we keep reaching for the next thing.
How can we become more content on the inside? Because without that, no matter how many external things we get, no matter how much we run from the unpleasant feelings, we will still be unhappy. We need a friendly, accepting, caring relationship with ourselves.
We discuss how we can accept that happiness is fleeting; that there is a joy in calm, neutral states from which we can notice and be grateful for the small things that give us pleasure.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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