Episodes
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Our emotions shape our decisions, fuel our connections, and add depth to life. But when emotions spiral out of control—whether through explosive anger or lingering sadness—they can harm our well-being, relationships, and career success.
That’s why emotional regulation is a game-changer.
Emotional regulation is the ability to understand, manage, and respond to emotions in ways that serve us rather than sabotage us. Research from Harvard shows that individuals who regulate their emotions effectively experience 31% lower stress levels and greater resilience in difficult situations. These individuals report higher happiness levels, stronger relationships, and better work performance.
But let’s be clear—emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions. It’s about navigating them skillfully, so they become tools for growth rather than obstacles.
For a deep dive into emotional regulation, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube). But in this newsletter, we’ll explore how mastering emotional regulation can enhance every aspect of your life—and I’ll leave you with a powerful, research-backed strategy you can start using today.
How Emotional Regulation Protects Your Mental Health
Studies show that effective emotion regulation lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and fosters psychological resilience. By managing emotions well, we can reduce stress, prevent emotional overload, and lower the risk of anxiety and depression.
Without regulation, overwhelming emotions can lead to exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, and an increased risk of mental health struggles.
How Emotional Regulation Strengthens Relationships
When emotions run high, people often react impulsively, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and strained relationships. Emotion regulation helps us pause, reflect, and communicate more effectively.
By managing our emotions, we improve our ability to actively listen and support others without getting overwhelmed. Over time, this fosters deeper and more fulfilling connections.
In contrast, unregulated emotions can lead to either explosive reactions (yelling, blaming) or emotional withdrawal(shutting down, avoiding conversations)—both of which damage relationships.
How Emotional Regulation Enhances Decision-Making and Problem-Solving
A calm, regulated mind is better at analyzing situations and making sound decisions. When emotions take over, we tend to make snap judgments that we later regret.
Professionals with strong emotional regulation skills excel at leading teams, resolving workplace conflicts, and making strategic decisions. Research suggests that emotional intelligence (EQ) is a stronger predictor of success than IQ—demonstrating just how critical these skills are.
How Emotional Regulation Supports Physical Health
Chronic emotional distress floods the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, increasing the risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, and weakened immunity. Emotion regulation techniques help restore calm, reducing stress hormone exposure and improving overall well-being.
Additionally, people who regulate emotions well are more likely to make healthier choices—avoiding emotional eating, reducing alcohol consumption, and maintaining an exercise routine.
How Emotional Regulation Boosts Overall Happiness
People with strong emotion regulation skills see challenges as temporary and solvable rather than overwhelming. By effectively managing emotions, they avoid getting stuck in negative cycles and instead cultivate joy, gratitude, and inner peace.
This ability to bounce back from setbacks creates a greater sense of control, confidence, and emotional resilience—leading to a more fulfilling life.
A Practical Tip: ABC PLEASE for Emotional Regulation
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and other psychological approaches emphasize the power of naming and understanding emotions to help regulate them.
One of the most effective DBT techniques is ABC PLEASE, a simple yet powerful framework for strengthening emotional resilience.
A | Accumulate Positive Experiences
Build a life filled with positive moments to create emotional reserves. Every day, do one small thing that brings you joy—watch a funny video, text a friend, or take a short walk. Even five minutes of positivity can shift your emotional state.
B | Build Mastery
Feeling competent and in control reduces emotional vulnerability. Choose one skill—big or small—to practice daily, like learning a new recipe, improving a work-related task, or picking up a new language. Progress fuels confidence and emotional stability.
C | Cope Ahead
Prepare for emotionally challenging situations before they happen. Mentally rehearse how you want to respond, visualize yourself handling it calmly, and anticipate potential stressors. This reduces emotional reactivity when the moment arrives.
P | Physical Wellness
Your body impacts your emotions! Unmanaged physical health issues can worsen mood swings. Prioritize medical check-ups and address health concerns proactively.
L | Life-Affirming Eating Habits
Hunger or poor nutrition intensifies emotions. Eat balanced meals with protein, healthy fats, and fiber to stabilize mood and energy levels.
E | Exercise and Stay Active
Physical movement releases mood-boosting chemicals and reduces stress. Move daily—whether it’s a workout, a brisk walk, or even dancing to your favorite song.
A | Avoid Mood-Altering Substances
Excess caffeine, alcohol, and drugs throw emotional balance off track. Pay attention to how substances impact your mood and aim for moderation.
S | Sleep Is Essential
Lack of sleep makes emotion regulation significantly harder. Set a consistent bedtime and avoid screens for 30 minutes before sleep to improve emotional stability.
E | Emotional Awareness
Becoming aware of your emotions helps you respond rather than react. Simply labeling your emotions—“I feel frustrated” or “I feel anxious”—can give you greater control over them.
And there you have it—the ABC PLEASE method for mastering emotion regulation!
These skills are learnable and trainable. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to manage emotions effectively.
If this resonated with you, share it with someone who could benefit. It’s as simple as ABC.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
* I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
If you struggle with self-doubt, toxic relationship patterns, chronic anxiety, or self-sabotage, your inner child may still be waiting for the support and guidance it did not receive early on.
Maybe you find yourself struggling with follow-through or believing that success is not meant for you. In relationships, you may repeat patterns of clinginess, avoidance, or emotional shutdown. Perhaps there is a persistent inner voice that tells you you are not enough, or you feel emotionally burned out from constantly seeking external validation instead of trusting yourself.
These are all signs that reparenting may be necessary. For more on this topic, check out latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
What Is Reparenting and Why Does It Matter?
Attachment theory establishes that early relationships with caregivers shape beliefs about oneself and the world. If you grew up with inconsistent emotional support, harsh criticism, or neglect, your nervous system adapted to operate in survival mode. Over time, this often leads to anxious thoughts, avoidant behaviors, and/or deep self-doubt.
However, it is possible to rewrite the emotional patterns inherited from childhood and become your own source of safety, love, and validation.
Reparenting allows you to:
* Heal insecure attachment so you no longer seek love, validation, or safety from unhealthy sources.
* Break free from childhood wounds that keep you stuck in self-sabotage, fear of abandonment, or unhealthy relationship patterns.
* Build inner security so you trust yourself instead of relying on external validation.
Your Brain Can Reprogram Itself
This may sound like a big undertaking, but thanks to neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to change—you can actually reprogram old emotional patterns, even those formed in childhood.
Reparenting activates new neural pathways that help shift insecure attachment into self-trust and emotional stability. According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, practicing core aspects of reparenting—such as self-compassion and emotional regulation—can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression by up to 40 percent over time.
Reparenting Is More Common Than You Think
Many people, including highly successful individuals, have had to reparent themselves.
Oprah Winfrey has openly discussed how she had to learn to nurture herself emotionally when no one else did. She practices radical self-compassion and has said, “I am my own best friend. The highest honor on Earth is to be yourself and give yourself love.”
Lady Gaga has spoken about her journey with PTSD, fibromyalgia, and the emotional aftermath of sexual assault. While promoting A Star Is Born, she explained how trauma rewires the body and brain, emphasizing that through neuroplasticity, it is possible to undo the effects of past emotional wounds.
How Reparenting Transforms Your Life
Through reparenting, you can:
* Become your own safe space by no longer relying on external reassurance to feel secure.
* Build healthy boundaries by defining what is and is not acceptable in relationships.
* Trust your own decisions rather than second-guessing and seeking outside validation.
* Develop true self-love, recognizing that you are enough even without external approval.
Reparenting is one of the most powerful self-healing tools available. It helps fill emotional gaps, build secure self-esteem, and cultivate lasting inner peace.
To get started, read on to discover a simple way to begin reparenting in your own life.
Reparenting Yourself Through the Encourager Role
Reparenting is about more than recognizing past wounds—it requires actively providing yourself with the love, support, and guidance you may not have received growing up. It means becoming the person you needed when you were younger.
To do this, you must embody the role of the Encourager, one of the Core 3 roles essential for personal growth. The Encourager represents the internal or external voice that affirms, supports, and nurtures you. It is the part of you that says, “I see you. I believe in you. You are worthy just as you are.”
While it is helpful to have people in your life who embody this role—such as trusted friends, mentors, or therapists—the most important step is to become this for yourself. When you take on the Encourager role, you are actively reparenting your inner child by giving yourself what was missing.
The Encourager is not just one type of support—it consists of three specific ways of nurturing yourself. By adopting one or more of these roles, you can provide yourself with the internal stability, motivation, and reassurance that help rewire insecure attachment and cultivate self-trust.
The Three Encourager Types and How to Use Them in Reparenting
* The Grounded Empath – Practice Radical Self-Compassion
* When you make a mistake, pause.
* Instead of self-criticism, ask, “Would I say this to a child I love?”
* Rewrite self-talk: Replace “I’m failing” with “I’m learning, and I’m proud of myself for trying.”
The Grounded Empath provides emotional safety by treating yourself with kindness rather than harsh judgment. If your childhood environment lacked warmth or encouragement, this is the part of you that steps in to fill that gap.
* The Positive Catalyst – Take Small, Brave Actions
* Choose one small action each day that builds confidence.
* Example: If you struggle with self-worth, look in the mirror every morning and say one kind thing about yourself.
The Positive Catalyst is the part of you that pushes you forward when self-doubt creeps in. It acts as the cheerleader and motivator, helping you take small but meaningful steps toward self-trust and personal growth. If you were not encouraged or supported as a child, developing this role for yourself can help rebuild confidence.
* The Nurturing Anchor – Build Rituals of Emotional Safety
* Create a daily self-nurturing habit, such as journaling, meditation, or a self-hug before bed.
* Over time, your nervous system will associate these actions with safety and security.
The Nurturing Anchor provides a sense of stability and predictability. If your early life felt chaotic or emotionally unpredictable, creating structured moments of care for yourself can signal to your brain that you are safe. Developing daily rituals that reinforce emotional security is an essential part of reparenting.
When these Encourager qualities are integrated into daily life, they help create a deep sense of inner safety, self-trust, and emotional security.
Through consistent reparenting, you can become the nurturing, encouraging, and supportive presence you needed as a child. This shift not only improves the relationship with yourself but also enhances every other relationship in your life.
How to Start Your Reparenting Journey
* Listen to the latest episode of Mental Health Bites for a deeper exploration of reparenting and guided exercises.
* Reflect on which Encourager type resonates most with you.
* Share this with someone who might benefit from reparenting and healing their attachment wounds.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
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When we think about career success, we often focus on hard work and skill-building. But research consistently shows that who you surround yourself with is just as crucial.
A study published in Harvard Business Review found that professionals with strong support networks are 23% more likely to be promoted within three years compared to those without one. Similarly, a LinkedIn survey revealed that 85% of jobs are filled through networking, highlighting the power of connections in career advancement.
Whether you're climbing the corporate ladder, running your own business, or pivoting careers, having the right people in your corner makes all the difference.
In the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), we explore how the right connections can propel your career forward. We'll also break down the Core 3 archetypes—a concept we’ve previously discussed in the context of motivation and wisdom cultivation—and share a practical strategy you can use today to strengthen these relationships in your own career.
The Core 3: Your Career Success Formula
Career success isn’t a solo journey—it’s about building the right team around you. The Core 3 Archetypes—the Mentor, the Encourager, and the Challenger—each play a distinct but complementary role in your professional growth.
1. The Mentor: The Resilient Role Model
A Mentor is someone who has walked the path you’re on and can provide guidance, wisdom, and connections. They help you navigate challenges, refine your strategy, and avoid pitfalls.
You can see this dynamic in the relationship between Serena Williams and her mentor and coach, Patrick Mouratoglou, who helped her refine her strategy and mental game. Patrick exemplifies the Mentor archetype: a Resilient Role Model who offers wisdom, expertise, and guidance to help others navigate challenges and achieve their goals.
How to find a Mentor: Mentors often display genuine interest in your growth, ask thoughtful questions, and share their expertise without overshadowing your autonomy. Look for someone who has succeeded in areas you aspire to and demonstrates a willingness to invest in others.
2. The Encourager: The Nurturing Anchor
An Encourager is your biggest cheerleader—the person who lifts you up, reminds you of your strengths, and helps you stay resilient through setbacks.
Actress Mindy Kaling has spoken about the importance of having an Encourager in her corner, like her close friend and collaborator, B.J. Novak. To Kaling, Novak acted as a Nurturing Anchor, as an Encourager, consistently cheering her on and providing emotional support while she pushed boundaries in the entertainment industry.
How to recognize an Encourager: Encouragers build your confidence, celebrate your wins, and help you maintain resilience during tough times. They create a safe space for vulnerability and authentic connection. They’re empathetic, consistently affirming, and show genuine excitement for your accomplishments. They’re the ones who text you "You’ve got this!" before a big presentation.
3. The Challenger: The Reflective Truth Teller
A Challenger pushes you out of your comfort zone, provides honest feedback, and holds you accountable to your goals.
Viola Davis and her close relationship with producer Shonda Rhimes, who acted as a Challenger in Davis’s career, is an example of this. Rhymes pushed Davis to take on complex, boundary-breaking roles that have redefined representation in Hollywood.
How to spot a Challenger: Challengers sharpen your decision-making, encourage critical thinking, and motivate you to stretch beyond perceived limits. Challengers ensure you’re not settling for less than your potential. They are direct but constructive, asking tough questions and offering alternative perspectives. They’re the ones who say, "Have you thought about it this way?" or "What’s your next step?"
The Core 3 Power Hour: A Simple Strategy for Success
To make sure you’re nurturing the right relationships, dedicate one hour per week to strengthening your Core 3 connections. Here’s how:
20 Minutes with a Mentor
* Schedule a check-in or send a thoughtful message asking for advice.
* Example: "I’m struggling with delegating tasks effectively. Do you have any strategies that worked for you?"
* Prepare one or two questions that show you’ve thought deeply about your career goals.
* Express gratitude and let them know how their past advice has helped you.
20 Minutes with an Encourager
* Reach out to someone who has supported you.
* Share a recent win or challenge and let them know how much you value their positivity.
* Example: "I wanted to thank you for believing in me during my last presentation—it went really well!"
* Offer encouragement in return by supporting their goals.
20 Minutes with a Challenger
* Share a project or idea and ask for honest feedback.
* Example: "I’m considering launching a new initiative at work. What potential pitfalls do you see?"
* Be open to constructive criticism and apply their insights.
* Take notes on actionable steps to improve.
Final 5 Minutes: Reflect
At the end of your Core 3 Power Hour, take a few minutes to reflect on the following questions and jot your answers down in a journal.
* What did you learn from each conversation?
* Did you feel supported, inspired, and challenged?
* How can you continue strengthening these relationships?
Strong relationships take time, but by intentionally investing in them, you’ll build a network that helps you grow, stay accountable, and achieve long-term success.
Your Next Step
Who are your Core 3? If you don’t have them yet, start seeking them out. If you do, nurture those connections. Success is never a solo journey—it’s about surrounding yourself with the right people who believe in your vision and push you to be your best.
Want more insights? Tune into this week's episode of Mental Health Bites to hear real-life examples of the Core 3 in action and practical ways to start building your dream team today.
If you’ve found this helpful, pass my newsletter along to someone who can benefit.
Healing Through Somatic Attachment Therapy Summit March 1-2, 2025!
I’m so excited to be featured as the closing speaker for this 2-day summit on March 2 from 1-2:15 pm PT. You can register here to join us LIVE for both days of the summit!Somatic attachment therapy helps us to build a more intimate, safer and authentic relationship with ourselves and others. Through a somatic approach to attachment therapy we learn how to help ourselves and others to rewire and reconnect, at all levels regardless of the past. Ultimately to experience an embodied sense of belonging and fulfillment.In this Two-Day Summit, my colleague Dr. Scott Lyons bring together some of the world’s leading experts in Somatic Attachment Therapy to explore how healing the wiring of relation wounds can create a culture of connection, compassion and more nurturing relationships with those that matter to us most—our communities, partners, families, children and our friends.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Did you know your brain can create new neurons even in your 90s? That’s right! Unlike your chronological age—which increases every year whether you like it or not—your cognitive age is something you can actively improve and even reverse with the right habits.
And that’s incredible news.
Keeping your brain young isn’t just about preventing Alzheimer’s or dementia. It’s about enhancing your quality of life—mentally, emotionally, socially, and professionally. Whether you're 25 or 75, a sharp and adaptable mind allows you to learn new skills, take on fresh challenges, and deepen your connections with others. Research shows that maintaining cognitive fitness reduces stress, sharpens emotional regulation, and protects against anxiety and depression.
Think about it—when your brain is at its best, you’re more likely to:
* Stay curious and continue growing, both personally and professionally
* Engage in active listening, empathy, and effective communication, which strengthens relationships
* Adapt to life’s challenges with resilience and problem-solving skills
* Feel a stronger sense of purpose and fulfillment
The best part? Your brain isn’t set in stone. The process of reversing cognitive aging is called neurogenesis, and it’s fueled by daily lifestyle habits like physical movement, intellectual engagement, and stress management.
In this post—and in my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), we’re diving deep into how to keep your brain young, why it matters, and the simple, science-backed habits you can start today.
Why Keeping Your Brain Young Is Essential for a Fulfilling Life
A younger cognitive age isn’t just about memory—it’s about maintaining adaptability, creativity, and resilience as you move through life. When your brain stays sharp, you’re better equipped to solve problems, embrace change, and thrive in new environments.
And here’s something fascinating: Cognitive aging doesn’t follow the same timeline as physical aging. While some cognitive functions, like processing speed, may naturally decline, other skills actually peak later in life—giving you a unique advantage with age.
Here’s what actually improves as you grow older:
* Wisdom & Emotional Intelligence – With experience, people develop stronger emotional regulation and social awareness, allowing them to navigate relationships with greater ease.
* Crystallized Intelligence – This is your accumulated knowledge and life experience, which continues to grow and helps you make sharper, more insightful decisions.
* Pattern Recognition & Creativity – Older adults are often better at seeing the big picture, identifying patterns, and connecting ideas in innovative ways.
So while society often focuses on the negatives of aging, the truth is that many mental abilities actually strengthen with time. That’s why maintaining cognitive fitness isn’t just about preserving function—it’s about unlocking your brain’s fullest potential at every stage of life.
Cognitive Longevity in Action: Real-Life Examples of Brain Fitness
Need proof that cognitive longevity is possible? Let’s take a look at some real-life examples of people defying cognitive aging:
* Jane Fonda (86 years young) credits her youthful mind to daily mindfulness, exercise, and continuous learning. She even joked that her “gray matter feels younger than her gray hair!”
* Tom Brady, known for his elite athleticism, puts just as much emphasis on mental training—using visualization, cognitive exercises, and focus techniques to stay mentally sharp.
* Vera Wang didn’t even start designing wedding dresses until her 40s. Today, at 75, she’s still a major creative force, leading a global fashion empire.
What do they all have in common? They prioritize habits that keep their brains active, adaptable, and engaged. And you can do the same.
Brain Longevity Blueprint: The 3-Step Daily Routine for a Younger Mind
I use this simple, science-backed routine every single day to keep my brain strong, sharp, and resilient. The best part? It doesn’t require a major time commitment—just a few daily habits that add up to big, lasting benefits.
🧘 Step 1: Morning Mindfulness (5-10 Minutes Daily)
Mindfulness is like strength training for your brain. It lowers cortisol (the stress hormone that interferes with learning and memory) while enhancing focus, emotional regulation, and cognitive flexibility.
Here’s a simple breathing exercise to start your day:
* Inhale for 4 seconds
* Hold for 4 seconds
* Exhale for 6 seconds
* Repeat for 5-10 minutes
This small habit has major benefits for brain longevity and stress resilience.
Want an even easier way to practice mindfulness? Try Practical Mindfulness—fully immersing yourself in daily tasks like brushing your teeth, drinking coffee, or walking. These small moments become opportunities to train your focus and reduce mental clutter without requiring extra time in your schedule.
🧩 Step 2: Brain Workout (Daily Mental Challenges)
Your brain craves novelty—learning new things strengthens neural connections and enhances problem-solving abilities.
Here are some easy ways to challenge your brain daily:
* Solve a crossword or Sudoku puzzle
* Try learning a few words in a new language
* Take a different route to work or cook a new recipe
The key? Pick something that challenges you but doesn’t overwhelm you. Small, daily challenges keep your brain engaged and continuously growing.
🏃 Step 3: Move It or Lose It (30 Minutes of Exercise)
Exercise isn’t just good for your body—it’s one of the most powerful tools for brain health. Physical activity boosts blood flow to the brain, reduces inflammation, and stimulates neurogenesis (the growth of new neurons).
You don’t have to be an athlete to reap the benefits. Choose something you enjoy, like:
* A brisk walk
* Yoga or stretching
* Dancing around your house
Harvard research found that regular aerobic exercise can cut cognitive decline risk by up to 50%—so every movement you make is an investment in your brain’s future.
Your Brain’s Future Is in Your Hands
Cognitive longevity isn’t just about avoiding decline—it’s about thriving at any age. The more you nurture your brain, the sharper, more resilient, and more fulfilled you’ll feel.
Start incorporating these three simple habits into your daily routine and watch the difference unfold.
Have you tried any of these techniques? Let me know your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear your experience!
If you’ve found this helpful, pass my newsletter along to someone who can benefit.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, love is on everyone's mind. But beyond roses and chocolates, there’s something even more important to consider—how your attachment style and love language shape the way you give and receive love.
Whether you're spending Valentine’s Day with a partner, family, friends, or enjoying your own company, understanding these concepts can help you strengthen your current relationships or prepare for healthier connections in the future.
In my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), I take a deeper dive into attachment styles and love languages, but this newsletter will introduce you to the basics of each concept and how they interact.
How Attachment Styles and Love Languages Interact
Your attachment style influences how you connect with others, while your love language determines how you express and receive affection. Recognizing these patterns can reveal why certain expressions of love resonate more with you than others.
* Anxious Attachment – May prefer words of affirmation, as verbal reassurances help soothe their fears of abandonment.
* Avoidant Attachment – Often gravitates toward acts of service or receiving gifts, as these forms of love feel less emotionally intense.
* Secure Attachment – Typically values physical touch and quality time, thriving on closeness and emotional stability.
* Disorganized Attachment – Love languages may shift unpredictably—some days craving affirmations, other days pulling away despite a desire for closeness.
Understanding your attachment style and love language can help reduce misunderstandings, build trust, and create stronger emotional bonds.
The Four Primary Attachment Styles
Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory explains how early caregiving experiences shape the way we bond in adulthood. Here are the four primary attachment styles:
* Secure Attachment – Feels comfortable with intimacy and independence, trusts easily, and navigates conflicts in a healthy way. Typically stems from nurturing, responsive caregivers. Studies suggest 25-40% of people have a secure attachment style most of the time.
* Anxious Attachment – Craves closeness but fears abandonment. May overanalyze messages, appear clingy, or need frequent reassurance. This often results from inconsistent caregiving. About 25% of the population falls into this category.
* Avoidant Attachment – Highly values independence and may struggle with emotional closeness. Often shuts down during conflicts. This can develop from emotionally distant or dismissive caregiving. Another 25% of the population falls into this group.
* Disorganized Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, leading to unpredictable relationship behaviors. May crave connection but simultaneously push people away. Often linked to early trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Around 15% of people exhibit this attachment style.
Understanding your attachment style helps you identify what you need from relationships and which of the five love languages best support your emotional well-being.
The Five Love Languages
Popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, love languages describe how individuals express and receive love. The five main love languages are:
* Words of Affirmation – Expressing love through verbal appreciation, praise, or encouragement.
* Acts of Service – Demonstrating love through helpful actions, such as making a meal or handling errands.
* Receiving Gifts – Feeling loved through meaningful and thoughtful gifts.
* Quality Time – Valuing undivided attention, meaningful conversations, and shared activities.
* Physical Touch – Expressing love through physical closeness, such as hugs, hand-holding, or a comforting touch.
How to Discover and Align Love Languages and Attachment Styles
Here are some exercises to help you explore how you give and receive love in both romantic and platonic relationships. These techniques foster deeper understanding and emotional connection. Even if you’re single, they can be transformative.
For Romantic Relationships:
* Take a Love Language and Attachment Style Quiz – Here’s the link to my FREE attachment style quiz here. Compare results with your partner. Discuss how your love language and attachment style influence your relationship dynamics.
* Personalized Expression of Love – Tailor daily gestures to match your partner's love language. For example, if they value acts of service, surprise them by completing a task they dislike. If their love language is physical touch, initiate warm hugs or hold their hand.
* Core 3 Reflection – Identify which role your partner plays in your Core 3: Are they your Mentor (offering wisdom and guidance), Encourager (uplifting and supporting you), or Challenger (pushing you to grow)?
* Show Gratitude – Acknowledge your partner’s role in your life. A simple statement like, “I appreciate how you always encourage me to follow my dreams,” can deepen your bond.
For Singles (Friends or Family):
* Identify Your Love Language and Attachment Style – Take my attachment style quiz, then reflect on how you prefer to give and receive love. Then, consider the love language of a close friend or family member.
* Express Love Intentionally – Show appreciation in a way that aligns with their love language. If they value words of affirmation, write them a heartfelt note. If they prefer quality time, plan an afternoon together.
* Core 3 Reflection – Recognize the key people in your support system. Is your best friend your Encourager, always cheering you on? Maybe a sibling is your Challenger, helping you face difficult truths.
* Practice Gratitude – Acknowledge the positive impact your loved ones have in your life. Saying, “Thank you for always believing in me,” can strengthen your connection.
Strengthen Your Relationships Today
By understanding both your own and others’ attachment styles and love languages, you can build more fulfilling, supportive relationships. Integrating the Core 3 framework ensures you nurture connections that encourage growth, trust, and emotional well-being.
Sharing is caring—pass this along to someone who might benefit from these insights.
I hope these exercises help you deepen your relationships, celebrate meaningful connections, and cultivate gratitude for the roles people play in your life. Because ultimately, that’s what love is all about.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Motivation and willpower are the fuel behind every goal you chase and every habit you commit to. They push you forward, help you resist distractions, and keep you on track when things get tough. But if you’ve ever felt your motivation slip away just when you needed it most, you’re not alone. The truth? Motivation isn’t magic—it’s a skill you can train, just like a muscle.
A study from the American Psychological Association found that people with strong willpower are 40% more likely to reach their long-term goals. And research from Stanford University shows that those who believe willpower is unlimited perform 15% better on complex tasks while experiencing less burnout.
Yet so many of us still struggle with motivation, feeling drained or stuck when it matters most. In my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), I break down why motivation fades, how to sustain it, and how to tap into long-term drive. In this post, we’re going deeper into why motivation slips away—and how you can take control of it once and for all.
The #1 Reason You Struggle With Motivation
Ever feel like you’re chasing a goal but still feel unfulfilled? That’s often because you’re not pursuing what truly matters to you. Research from the University of Rochester found that people who set intrinsic goals—those tied to personal growth and fulfillment—experience 33% higher sustained motivation than those chasing external rewards like status or validation.
Even high achievers struggle with this. Michelle Obama credits her ability to stay motivated to staying rooted in her values—family, education, and community. And Matthew McConaughey swears by journaling to keep his vision clear.
Another silent motivation killer? Decision fatigue. Every choice you make throughout the day depletes your mental energy, making it harder to stay on track. That’s why structuring your routines and cutting unnecessary decisions is key to conserving willpower for what really matters.
The Challenger: Your Secret Weapon for Unbreakable Willpower
Motivation doesn’t exist in a vacuum. You need a support system that pushes you forward, and that’s where the Core 3 comes in— your Mentor, your Encourager, and your Challenger.
And when it comes to willpower, the Challenger is your game-changer.
A Challenger isn’t just a cheerleader—they push you beyond your comfort zone. They help you grow by:
* Calling out self-sabotaging habits
* Holding you accountable to your goals
* Strengthening your resilience
* Helping you silence negative self-talk
Challengers keep you on track, remind you of your strengths, and challenge you to push past your limits. They don’t let you quit when things get tough.
How to Find a Challenger in Your Life
A great Challenger is likely already in your life—you just have to recognize them. Here’s where to look:
* Colleagues or Bosses: A professional mentor, coach, or supervisor who pushes you toward excellence while giving you honest feedback.
* Friends Who Hold You Accountable: Not just the ones who comfort you, but the ones who challenge you to be better.
* A Workout or Study Partner: Someone who shows up consistently and motivates you to push harder.
* A Therapist or Coach: If you’re struggling to stay accountable, a professional can help challenge your self-defeating patterns.
* A Community or Mastermind Group: Whether online or in-person, surrounding yourself with people who challenge you to grow is powerful.
If you don’t have someone in your life who plays this role, be intentional about finding one. Ask yourself: Who in my circle challenges me in a way that makes me better? If no one comes to mind, it may be time to expand your network.
And if you’re not ready to seek a Challenger externally, or if you want to supplement your motivation and willpower game even more, consider this: you can become your own Challenger.
How to Become Your Own Challenger with a Motivation Vault
Think of a Motivation Vault as a mental fuel tank—a collection of reminders that keep you connected to your purpose. Every time motivation dips, this is where you go to recharge.
And here’s where the magic happens: Your Motivation Vault can act as your internal Challenger.
When no one else is around to hold you accountable, this is the system that will push you forward.
You can create your Motivation Vault in two ways:
1️⃣ A Physical Vault: Use a box, journal, or folder where you collect handwritten notes, printed photos, inspirational quotes, or even small mementos that remind you of past achievements. Think of it as a treasure chest of motivation.
2️⃣ A Digital Vault: Use a folder on your phone, notes app, or even a private Pinterest board to store screenshots of encouraging messages, personal goals, video clips, and audio reminders. Some people even use voice notes where they record themselves giving pep talks for future moments of doubt.
Here’s What to Put in Your Vault:
* Recall Your Wins. Write down moments when you felt unstoppable—big wins, small victories, or times you overcame setbacks.
* Gather Your Fuel. Fill your vault with inspiring quotes, supportive messages, or even screenshots of compliments from mentors or friends.
* Check In Weekly. Set aside time to revisit your vault and remind yourself how far you’ve come.
Pro Tip: Keep your vault in a place that’s easy to access. When your motivation wavers, open it up. Future You is counting on it.
Bonus Challenge: Who Can You Be a Challenger For?
Motivation and willpower thrive in community.
If you have a Challenger in your life, thank them.
If you don’t, become your own.
And if someone you know is struggling to stay on track, send them this post.
And, challenge them to start their own Motivation Vault. That small act might just be the push they need to keep going.
Ready to take control of your motivation for good? Start today. Your future self will thank you. The New Rules of Attachment Paperback Drop!
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback is going to be released on February 11! Click here to order your advance copy today, and I’m also hosting a giveaway on Goodreads for signed copies.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Wisdom is often seen as an elusive trait that only emerges with age, but that is a misconception.
Contrary to popular belief, wisdom is not something that automatically develops over time. Instead, it is a trainable skill—one that can significantly improve mental health, decision-making, and relationships. The best part? It can be cultivated at any stage of life.
Maya Angelou once said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” This sentiment captures the essence of wisdom—learning, adapting, and evolving.
In this newsletter, we will explore the psychology behind wisdom, debunk common myths, and introduce a daily practice to help cultivate it in a meaningful way. We will also discuss the three types of people who can accelerate this process and elevate personal growth. For a deeper dive including my answer to a really interesting question from a reader, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
What Wise Individuals Do Differently
Wisdom is not simply intelligence or an accumulation of knowledge. It involves emotional regulation, self-awareness, empathy, and the ability to extract meaning from life’s experiences. Research has shown that:
* A study from the University of Chicago found that individuals who engage in wise reasoning experience less anxiety and demonstrate greater resilience in difficult situations.
* A 2021 study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that wise individuals are not necessarily the most intelligent people in a room, but they are often the most emotionally intelligent.
* Additional studies indicate that individuals with higher levels of wisdom report greater life satisfaction, lower rates of depression, and stronger relationships.
Psychologists have identified three primary components of wisdom:
* Cognitive Wisdom – The ability to see multiple perspectives and make well-reasoned decisions based on experience and knowledge.
* Reflective Wisdom – The capacity to step back and analyze situations objectively, without bias.
* Affective Wisdom – The ability to maintain emotional balance, show empathy, and handle adversity with composure.
Ultimately, wisdom is not about having all the answers but about knowing how to seek them.
The Three People You Need to Become Wiser
Personal growth does not happen in isolation. Surrounding oneself with the right individuals can accelerate the development of wisdom. Wise individuals often display a unique ability to listen without judgment. They offer compassionate but honest feedback, and remain calm in difficult situations. They tend to embrace both success and failure as teachable moments, and people often turn to wise individuals for advice or emotional support. And surrounding yourself with wise people can accelerate your own path to wisdom by exposing you to their reflective habits, insights, and decision-making strategies.
This is where The Core 3 comes into play—these are the three essential archetypes I’ve shared about before that foster emotional intelligence, resilience, and strategic thinking.
Today, I want to focus on the role of the Mentor. Wise people are often seen as excellent mentors because they give great advice, offers unique perspectives, and in doing so, nurtures personal growth in others. In my research and experience, there are three types of Mentors. Depending on your goals for personal and professional success, you may find yourself especially drawn to one of these specific types of mentors to help foster your growth.
1. The Knowledge Sharer
This person offers specialized knowledge and is eager to teach. They have expertise in areas you want to grow in and can guide your development.
2. The Visionary Connector
This person expands your horizons and pushes you to dream bigger. They bring new ideas and perspectives, helping you explore possibilities beyond your current path. .
3. The Resilient Role Model
This person demonstrates perseverance, overcoming adversity, and navigating challenges with grace. Their experiences inspire confidence and belief in your capacity to handle difficulties
These categories are not rigid but serve as a useful framework for considering the types of relationships that support growth and wisdom.
Three Myths About Wisdom That Hold People Back
When working on cultivating wisdom, it can be helpful to bust a few myths that tend to hold people back from becoming wiser. Let’s start with the first and most common:
Myth 1: Wisdom Comes Only with Age
While age can bring experience, wisdom is not automatically granted over time. Younger individuals can develop wisdom through intentional reflection, learning from mistakes, and seeking diverse perspectives. Research from UC San Diego suggests that practicing mindfulness and empathy can accelerate wisdom development at any age.
Myth 2: Wise People Always Have the AnswersWisdom does not mean having all the answers. In fact, the wisest individuals are comfortable acknowledging uncertainty. They embrace lifelong learning and recognize that adaptability is a key component of intelligence.
Myth 3: Wisdom is an Innate TraitAlthough some personality traits may make wisdom easier to cultivate, it is largely a skill that develops through practice. Methods such as journaling, seeking feedback, and engaging in deep conversations all contribute to the development of wisdom.
The Most Effective Daily Ritual for Cultivating Wisdom
One of the most powerful ways to train the mind for wisdom is through a Daily Reflection Ritual. This practice enhances self-awareness, improves decision-making, and fosters emotional resilience.
To practice this ritual, set aside 10 minutes each evening and follow these steps.
* Document One Event from the Day – Choose a specific situation to reflect on, even if it seems minor. Write it down factually, avoiding personal judgment.
* Identify the Emotional Response – Describe the emotions that arose during the event. Be honest and descriptive.
* Extract the Lesson – Use guided reflection questions to analyze the situation:
* Was my reaction helpful?
* What was driving my emotional response?
* Did I make assumptions that may not have been accurate?
* How did my behavior align with my values?
* What strengths or qualities helped me handle the situation well?
* What skill or quality could I improve upon for next time?
Let’s see this ritual in action through the lens of a disagreement at work. Here’s a sample journal entry from someone I recently worked with.
* What happened? During a project meeting, I raised concerns about a new timeline. A colleague disagreed, and the exchange became tense.
* How did I feel? Defensive and embarrassed. I believed my point was valid but did not appreciate being challenged in front of the team.
* What did I learn? I initially assumed my colleague was dismissing my idea, but in hindsight, they were simply presenting a different perspective. Next time, I will pause and ask clarifying questions before responding.
Practicing this ritual consistently leads to more thoughtful responses, better emotional regulation, and a stronger ability to navigate complex situations.
Final Thoughts
The journey toward wisdom is not about achieving perfection but about refining how we engage with the world.
To put this into action:
* Commit to a daily reflection ritual for one week.
* Identify the mentors, challengers, and encouragers in your life - focusing in especially on which type of mentor will most enrich your life.
* Challenge one common myth about wisdom in your thinking.
If this newsletter resonated with you, consider sharing it with a friend. Wisdom grows not only through self-reflection but also through meaningful conversations with others.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback Drop!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback is going to be released on February 11! Click here to order your advance copy today, and I’m also hosting a giveaway on Goodreads for signed copies.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Picture this: It’s midday at work and you’re stumped about what to make for dinner when you get home. You start to think that DoorDash might be better. But where should you order from? While you wait for the food, you start to wonder how you should wind down for the day. A movie? A book? That show on yet another streaming service?
If you’ve ever felt mentally drained during the afternoon after making even the simplest decision, you’re not alone. There’s a hidden culprit behind that foggy feeling: decision fatigue.
Now, for a more in-depth look at how to regain mental clarity, you check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube). In this post, we’re going to explore some ways to simplify your mental load, feel more in control, and mitigate that daily energy drain of decision fatigue.
What’s Decision Fatigue?
Decision fatigue is the mental exhaustion that builds up from, well, making decisions.
You might start the day energized and clear-headed, tackling tasks efficiently and with ease, but by the afternoon indecision and procrastination may start to set in. Each choice you make chips away at your brain’s capacity to make high-quality decisions later on. The result is that by the evening, you might feel completely tapped out, even if your day wasn’t particularly stressful.
Decision fatigue can sneak up on you. Think about it. How many decisions have you already made today? From deciding what’s for breakfast, to choosing what to wear, to prioritizing certain emails, our days are filled with hundreds of micro-decisions. And it can happen to anyone. A study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that judges reviewing parole cases were far more likely to grant parole early in the day. And, as the day progressed, decisions became increasingly conservative—favoring the easiest, safest option, which was to deny parole.
The takeaway?
The quality of our decisions declines when we make multiple decisions throughout the day.
Why It’s Important to Address Decision Fatigue
As you can see from the example above with court judges, decision fatigue doesn’t just affect small decisions. It can impact major life choices, your productivity at work, and even how you treat your loved ones.
Poor decisions can lead to stress and regret.
Procrastination can snowball, creating overwhelming to-do lists that grow each day.
Repeatedly putting off certain decisions can contribute to anxiety.
Long term, decision fatigue can erode your self-esteem and confidence, making you second-guess even the simplest choices.
Addressing decision fatigue isn’t just a life hack—it’s essential for maintaining good mental health.
Combating Decision Fatigue with the "Three-Choices Rule"
Limiting choices doesn’t mean limiting joy. It’s about streamlining decisions so you have more energy for what excites and fulfills you. Over time, this reduces stress and sharpens your focus.
The Three-Choices Rule involves limiting your options to just three choices when making routine decisions. This is a technique I use with my workout routine. Instead of deciding what workout I should do every day, I rotate between strength training, yoga, or a long walk. By keeping it simple, I avoid the internal debate and just do it. Similarly, I do this with my lunches. I rotate between three options for lunch, so every day, I’m only picking from those three options at lunchtime.
Step 1: Identify repeated decisions. Look at areas in your life where you constantly make the same decisions (meals, workouts, outfits, etc.)
Step 2: Create three go-to options. Pick three solid, reliable choices. For example, if it’s deciding what to eat for lunch, select three meals you enjoy and rotate between them.
Step 3: Commit for a week. Stick to these three options for at least one week and notice the mental ease it creates.
What’s great about the three-choice rule is you can change your three options at any time. When I start to get bored of my three-item menu, I just swap the old choices out for some new ones., but I always make sure there are only three to pick from.
Did this advice speak to you?
If it did, I encourage you to share it with a friend who’s also experienced decision fatigue. (And, if it helps, you can even pick three friends who really need it.)
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Happiness and joy are two emotions we all (hopefully) know well. But let’s get specific. I’m not talking about the kind of joy that comes from winning the lottery (though that’d be nice). I’m talking about those fleeting, delightful moments, like hearing your favorite song at the grocery store or catching an unexpected sunset.
These “micro-moments of joy” are more than feel-good blips—they’re powerful tools for cultivating long-term happiness.
Want the full scoop? Check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube). Read on to learn how these small sparks of joy can change your life.
The Connection Between Joy and Happiness
Think of happiness as the long-term climate of your emotional well-being, while joy is the short-term weather that shapes your day.
* Happiness is a sustained state of well-being and contentment, influenced by relationships, achievements, purpose, and health. Psychologists categorize happiness into two types:
* Hedonic Happiness: The pleasure you feel from immediate gratification, like savoring a delicious meal.
* Eudaimonic Happiness: Rooted in finding meaning and growth, such as through volunteering or pursuing a fulfilling career.
* Joy, in contrast, is spontaneous and fleeting—those short bursts of positive energy sparked by small, everyday moments: a kind word, a funny meme, a beautiful sunset, or a child’s laughter. Joy comes from the short bursts of positive energy that happen in the moment. It doesn’t require long-term planning or major life changes. Instead, joy is often sparked by small, everyday things.
Why Micro-Moments of Joy Matter
These small moments of joy aren’t just pleasant—they’re foundational and act as building blocks for lasting happiness.
When you intentionally cultivate small moments of joy, you create a ripple effect that strengthens your emotional resilience and adds to your overall sense of well-being. So, while joy and happiness are different in how they show up, they’re deeply interconnected. By focusing on joy, you’re laying the foundation for greater happiness over time. These small moments of joy are vital for our well-being because they serve as anchors of positivity in our daily lives. Research shows that consistently experiencing even brief positive emotions can build resilience, enhance creativity, and lower stress levels.
Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, a leading researcher in positive psychology, describes this as the "broaden-and-build theory." Essentially, positive emotions — no matter how small — help broaden our awareness and build psychological resources over time. In other words, micro-moments of joy are like deposits in our mental health savings account. They accumulate and provide reserves for when times are tough.
The best part? These moments are accessible to everyone. You don’t need wealth, fame, or even large amounts of free time to cultivate them.
You can use tools like The Five Minute Journal to incorporate gratitude into your daily routine. Another option is to build a Joy Jar. This is something I absolutely love.
To create a Joy Jar, find a jar or box and keep it in a visible spot. Each day, write down one small joyful moment on a slip of paper. It can be as simple as a funny meme or the way your dog greeted you. Then, at the end of the week (or month) read through them.
These simple rituals serves as a powerful reminder of the positive experiences that often slip through the cracks. By creating tangible reminders of joy, you train your brain to focus on the good, reinforcing happiness over time.
Your 7-Day Micro-Joy Challenge
Ready to start? Here’s a week-long challenge to help you cultivate joy:
* Day 1: Savor a Morning Moment | Stay present for your coffee, the quiet, or even brushing your teeth.
* Day 2: Tune into Nature | Notice something outside—a tree, the sky, or even a houseplant.
* Day 3: Smile at a Stranger | Studies show this simple act lifts everyone’s mood.
* Day 4: Music Lift | Play a feel-good song and take a three-minute dance break, even in your chair.
* Day 5: Gratitude Snapshot | Mentally or physically capture something you’re grateful for.
* Day 6: Text Someone You Love | Send a quick note of appreciation to someone important.
* Day 7: Reflect on the Week | Take five minutes to write down or think about moments of joy you experienced.
Give this a try this coming week. You can even have a friend do it with you. Even if you do only two or three of these, you’re rewiring your brain for happiness. I’d love to hear how it goes.
If this resonated with you, share these tips with a friend who might need a little inspiration.
To Your Health,
Dr. Judy
Bonus Giveaway to Cultivate Micro Moments of Joy: The Feely Cards!
For another idea to boost micro moments of joy, try The Feely Cards! Written by Nōn Wels, and illustrated by Ess Crossley, The Feely Cards are designed to help kids and adults engage more meaningfully with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, emotional curiosity, active listening, and other wonderfully feely things. They are excellent tools for therapists, social workers, and teachers!
The Feely Cards are available wherever books are sold, including your local indie bookstore, Amazon, Bookshop.org and Barnes & Noble. Learn more at feelycards.com.
I’m giving away 3 sets of The Feely Cards to my subscribers. To enter, write a comment to this newsletter on substack by January 20, 2025. I will contact the winners directly via comment and/or email to get your mailing address to send the cards to you (You’ll need to have a U. S. address to enter so that I can easily send them to you via Amazon).
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve your achievements? Like you’re fooling everyone around you? Or that one day, people will find out you don’t belong?This is imposter syndrome—a feeling many people experience but rarely talk about.
Imposter syndrome is the belief that you're less competent than others perceive you to be. Despite clear evidence of your abilities and success, you feel like a fraud. Research by the International Journal of Behavioral Science suggests that 70% of people will experience imposter syndrome at least once in their lives.
Let’s explore what it looks like, the common causes of these feelings, and how to combat them. For a deeper dive, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), where I answer a listener’s question about feeling like a fraud after a promotion and share strategies for managing self-doubt during big life changes.
Examples of Imposter Syndrome In Your Personal Life
In our personal lives, imposter syndrome might look like this:
* Shrugging off compliments or dismissing your success as “luck.”
* Feeling undeserving of your achievements in relationships, parenting, or personal goals.
* Avoiding new opportunities due to fear of failure.
* Constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate.
For instance, a new parent might feel they aren’t as good as other parents, even though they are doing everything possible for their child. A marathon runner might think, “I’m not a real athlete; I don’t belong here” mid-race.
Examples of Imposter Syndrome In Professional Settings
In professional settings, imposter syndrome might show up in these ways:
* Overpreparing for meetings or projects out of fear of being “found out.”
* Turning down promotions or new roles because you feel unqualified.
* Staying quiet in meetings or hesitating to share ideas, worried others will think you're not smart enough.
* Struggling with perfectionism, procrastination, or overworking to prove your worth.
Someone with imposter syndrome might think, “They made a mistake promoting me; I’m not ready for this role,” or believe, “I don’t deserve this scholarship—there were better candidates.”
What Causes Imposter Syndrome?
Where does imposter syndrome come from? Here are some of the common sources:
* Early Childhood Experiences: Overly critical parenting or growing up in a high-pressure environment can make you believe that your value depends on your achievements.
* Perfectionism: All-or-nothing thinking can make even small mistakes feel like signs of inadequacy.
* Frequent Comparisons: Constantly comparing yourself, especially on social media, can amplify feelings of being a fraud.
* Systemic Factors: Women, minorities, and underrepresented groups may feel imposter syndrome more acutely due to societal biases and lack of representation in leadership roles.
Imposter syndrome is often more about external pressures and your beliefs about situations and circumstances than actual personal shortcomings.
Celebrities Experience Imposter Syndrome TooIt may surprise you that even some of the most successful people feel like imposters.
* Former First Lady Michelle Obama confessed, “I still have a little imposter syndrome…what do I know?”
* Maya Angelou, despite being a celebrated poet and civil rights activist, said, “I’ve written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now.’”
* Albert Einstein once referred to himself as an “involuntary swindler” despite his revolutionary contributions to science.
Practical Tip to Challenge Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic is the voice that fuels imposter syndrome. It disregards your hard work, amplifies others' success, and dwells on even the smallest mistakes. Here’s a step-by-step strategy on how to outsmart and challenge your inner critic:
* Identify the Negative ThoughtWrite down the specific thought: “I’m not good enough for this job.”
* Question Its ValidityAsk: Does this thought have any evidence? Is it based on feelings or facts?
* Gather Evidence Against ItList your achievements, skills, and experiences. For example: “I earned this promotion because I exceeded my goals.”
* Reframe the ThoughtReplace your inner critic’s negative thought with a balanced, realistic one. Instead of “I don’t belong here,” say, “I’m new, but I’m capable and learning every day.”
* Act According to the Reframed ThoughtConfidence often grows from action. Act as if you believe the positive reframe, and the feelings will follow.
Example: If your inner critic says, “You’re not smart enough for this presentation,” challenge it using the above steps:
* Identify the Thought: “I’m doubting my abilities.”
* Question It: “I’ve done presentations before, and they went well.”
* Gather Evidence: “I’ve prepared and received positive feedback on my work.”
* Reframe: “I’m prepared, and I have valuable information to share.”
* Act: Deliver the presentation confidently, reminding yourself of the reframe afterward.
Putting these steps into action may take time, especially if you’ve spent years doubting yourself. But remember, confidence comes from consistent action. Keep showing up, and your self-belief will grow.
If this resonated with you, share these tips with a friend and help them gear up for 2025. Let’s make this year your best one yet!
To Your Health,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
The Core 3 is something that might just change your life.
We live in the most connected era of history—yet more people than ever feel profoundly lonely. According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 report, over 60% of Americans regularly experience loneliness.
Loneliness isn’t just emotional. It’s a serious health threat. Research shows chronic loneliness increases the risk of:
* Heart disease by 29%
* Stroke by 32%
* Premature death by 50%
To put this in perspective, loneliness is as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
But why does loneliness have such a profound effect on us?
Why Does Loneliness Impact Us So Deeply?
Humans are hardwired for connection. Emotional safety isn’t just a luxury—it’s a biological necessity. When we lack meaningful connection, our nervous system interprets this as a threat, keeping us stuck in a state of stress and dysregulation.
The good news? There’s a simple but powerful framework to cultivate emotional safety and reset your nervous system—The Core 3.
In this newsletter, I’ll walk you through how The Core 3 can transform your emotional well-being and give you a tool to start regulating your nervous system today. For a deeper dive, check out my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
What Happens When Your Nervous System Is Dysregulated
Your nervous system is like the command center of your body. It’s constantly scanning for signs of safety or danger. When you feel emotionally unsafe—whether that’s due to loneliness, conflict, or a lack of support—your nervous system shifts into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
Physically, you might feel anxious, have a racing heart, or experience chronic fatigue and tension. Emotionally, you might feel overwhelmed, irritable, or even numb. Behaviorally, you might overwork, avoid responsibilities, or withdraw from relationships altogether.
In this state, survival becomes your main focus. Thriving and growth feel out of reach.
Conversely, When you feel emotionally safe, your nervous system activates what’s called the ventral vagal state, which is part of the parasympathetic system. This is the state of calm and connection.
Physically, your heart rate slows, your muscles relax, and your body feels grounded. Emotionally, you feel confident, secure, and open to connection. Behaviorally, you’re able to focus, set goals, and take meaningful action toward the life you want.
This shift from survival to thriving starts with emotional safety—and that’s where the Core 3 comes in.
The Core 3: A Blueprint for Emotional Safety
The Core 3 framework helps you cultivate emotional safety by surrounding yourself with three essential roles:
* The Encourager offers unwavering support, calming your nervous system and boosting confidence.
* The Mentor provides wisdom and perspective, helping you navigate uncertainty with clarity.
* The Challenger pushes you beyond your comfort zone in a way that feels safe and constructive.
When these three roles are intentionally filled, they create a positive feedback loop. Emotional safety regulates your nervous system, allowing you to thrive in all areas of life.
The Core 3 in Action: Real-Life Examples
Needing the support of these roles isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s something all of us need. One story that always sticks with me is Oprah Winfrey and her close relationship with Maya Angelou. Oprah has described Maya as a Mentor who helped her navigate some of the most challenging moments in her life. Maya’s wisdom and guidance provided Oprah with the emotional safety she needed to trust herself and grow into the powerhouse she is today.
Another example is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who often speaks about the importance of having people in his corner who believe in him, especially during tough times. He frequently mentions his Encourager—his mom—who grounded him with unwavering support, even when his career faced setbacks. That emotional safety gave him the confidence to keep pushing forward.
Finally, there’s Serena Williams, who credits her sister Venus as both her Challenger and Encourager. Venus pushes her to perform at her best but also provides emotional support when things get tough. That balance of emotional safety and motivation is what has helped Serena thrive, both on and off the court.
These stories remind us that emotional safety fuels greatness, and none of us can thrive alone.
Building and Strengthening Your Core 3
You don’t need to be a celebrity to benefit from emotional safety. When you create your own Core 3, you’re building the foundation for a life where you’re not just surviving—you’re thriving. And the best part? It’s never too late to start.
Here is a simple three-step process for building your Core 3:
* Identify What You Need Most. Ask yourself: What’s missing in my life right now? Do I need more emotional support? Guidance? Motivation? Pinpointing your greatest need will help you decide whether to focus on finding an Encourager, a Mentor, or a Challenger first.
* Evaluate Your Current Relationships. Take stock of the people already in your life. Who naturally fills one of these roles? For example, do you have a friend who always makes you feel valued and supported? That could be your Encourager. Or maybe you have a colleague or relative whose advice you trust—that’s a potential Mentor. If no one comes to mind, that’s okay. You can start building these connections intentionally by seeking out new opportunities, like joining groups or reaching out to acquaintances.
* Take the First Step. Once you’ve identified a potential Core 3 member, initiate a meaningful interaction. It could be as simple as sending a text to say, “I’ve always valued your advice. Can I get your thoughts on something?” or, “I really appreciate how supportive you are—can we catch up soon?” These small steps help deepen connections without overwhelming you or the other person.
When I was rebuilding my own Core 3 after my grandmother passed away (and she was the ultimate source of unconditional love and support for me), I realized I needed an Encourager. I reached out to a childhood friend who’d always been a grounding presence in my life, and that relationship became a vital source of emotional safety during a challenging time.
Remember, building your Core 3 is a journey, not a sprint. Start with one role, one person, and one conversation. Emotional safety and nervous system regulation don’t happen overnight, but with intentional effort, you’ll create the foundation you need to thrive.
If this resonated with you, share these tips with a friend and help them gear up for 2025. Let’s make this year your best one yet!
To Your Health,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
In the new year, I want to…
* Exercise more.
* Eat healthier.
* Save money.
* Improve my relationships.
* Lose weight.
Sound familiar?
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve set a New Year’s resolution or two. But here’s the catch – according to a study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, only 8% of people achieve their resolutions.
So, what’s the deal? Why do so many of us lose steam by February? Let’s break down the science behind habit formation, share some celebrity insights, and get to the bottom of why resolutions fail. Want even more tips? Tune into my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
Why We Set Resolutions (And Keep Coming Back for More)
Every year, millions of people set resolutions. But why?
The New Year often feels like a reset button, creating a sense of mental separation from the past and allowing us to envision a better version of ourselves. This psychological phenomenon, known as the Fresh Start Effect, makes us feel like we have permission to begin anew, leaving old habits behind.
It’s also hard to ignore the power of social influence. Every January, gym memberships skyrocket because self-improvement is contagious. When those around us are setting goals and talking about growth, we naturally feel compelled to join in.
On a deeper level, the drive for personal growth is hardwired into us. As humans, we crave improvement, and setting resolutions fuels that need by giving us hope and direction for the future.
Finally, the end of the year invites reflection. With the holidays and the close of another chapter, many of us naturally take stock of our lives. This period of introspection prompts us to identify areas for change and set new goals to align with the aspirations we hold for ourselves.
Why Resolutions Fail (The Sneaky Pitfalls to Watch For)
Despite our best intentions, most resolutions don’t survive the first quarter of the year. Often, this happens because our goals are too ambitious, vague, or lack a clear strategy. For example, deciding to go to the gym every day after months of inactivity can quickly lead to burnout. Ambition is great, but trying to do too much too soon can leave you exhausted and unmotivated. It’s far better to start small and gradually increase your commitment.
Another common reason for failure is that resolutions are often too vague. Saying you want to “get healthy” sounds positive, but what does that actually mean? Without defining success – like losing 10 pounds, eating more vegetables, or running a 5k – it’s difficult to take actionable steps toward your goal.
Lack of planning can also be a major roadblock. While motivation might push you to get started, without a concrete plan, it’s easy to lose your way. Imagine trying to reach a destination without a map. Having a clear strategy can make all the difference.
Finally, negative self-talk can sabotage progress. Missing a workout or indulging in a cheat meal can trigger that inner critic, convincing you that you’ve already failed. This mindset can cause many people to abandon their resolutions altogether. Recognizing and addressing this self-defeating dialogue is crucial to staying on track.
The Fix: How to Make Resolutions That Stick
Here’s the good news – research shows that it takes about 4-6 weeks to form a habit. Get through January, and your new behavior could become part of your routine. But you don’t have to rely on willpower alone. Let me introduce you to a powerful tool Mental Contrasting and Implementation Intentions (MCII).
This science-backed method (featured in my book Stop Self-Sabotage) can help you lock in new habits and overcome obstacles. Here’s how you can do it:
1. Visualize Success.Imagine what achieving your resolution looks like. Picture yourself stronger, healthier, or financially secure. How does it feel?
2. Spot the Obstacles.Be honest. What could derail you? Is it lack of time, fatigue, or cravings? Identifying barriers ahead of time prepares you for them.
3. Create If-Then Plans.For every obstacle, create an “if-then” solution. For example:
* If I’m too tired to work out, then I’ll do 10 minutes of stretching.
* If I crave sweets, then I’ll eat fruit instead.
4. Anchor the Habit.Attach new habits to existing routines. For example:
* “After brushing my teeth, I’ll meditate for 5 minutes.”
5. Track and Reflect.Write down wins and reflect weekly. What worked? What didn’t? Adjust and keep moving forward.
An Example of MCII In Action
Here’s an example. Let’s imagine your resolution is to save more money in 2025. Start by visualizing the outcome. Picture your savings account growing and the sense of security that brings. How does it feel to have more financial stability? Then, consider the obstacles that could get in the way. Are impulsive purchases your weakness? Do unexpected expenses throw you off track?
Once you identify the challenges, create simple if-then plans to address them - and write them down in advance. For instance, if you feel tempted to make an impulse buy, then you’ll wait 24 hours before making the purchase. If unexpected expenses arise, then you’ll adjust your budget to accommodate them.
To make saving a consistent habit, tie it to something you already do. Every payday, automatically transfer a set portion of your paycheck into savings. Finally, take time each week to reflect on your progress. Review your spending habits and celebrate small wins. Adjust as needed to stay on track.
Resolutions don’t have to be a January fad. With the right approach, you can create lasting change.
If this resonated with you, share these tips with a friend and help them gear up for 2025. Remember, success starts with small, consistent steps. Let’s make this year your best one yet!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year – You’ve got this!
To Your Health,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
If you’ve ever felt stuck in the push-pull of craving connection but fearing it, or if chaos seems to follow you in your relationships and career, this newsletter is for you. Disorganized attachment, or what I like to call surveillance specialists, impacts many people in ways they might not even realize. For a deeper exploration of disorganized attachment, check out my most recent episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
In this newsletter, we’ll explore:
* How disorganized attachment develops.
* The ways it impacts relationships, career, and self-confidence.
* A practical tool to help you create calm and resilience.
What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment often develops in childhood in response to inconsistent or frightening caregiving. Imagine being a child whose caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. This might look like:
* A parent who is loving one moment but harshly critical or aggressive the next.
* A caregiver who neglects emotional needs but unexpectedly demands closeness.
Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation study demonstrated how children with disorganized attachment exhibit conflicted behaviors. They may freeze, appear confused, or approach caregivers hesitantly, unsure whether they’ll receive comfort or punishment.
This unpredictability wires the child’s brain to live in constant fight or flight, scanning for threats even when none are present. While disorganized attachment is often linked to neglect or abuse, it can also result from repeatedly broken trust in non-abusive environments.
How It Affects Adulthood
Disorganized attachment often shapes a person’s inner narrative with deeply ingrained self-statements that impact relationships, career, and personal goals:
* “I deserve to suffer.”
* Leads to tolerating toxic behavior in personal relationships.
* Manifests in the workplace as avoiding opportunities or promotions due to feelings of unworthiness.
* “I hate you, don’t leave me.”
* Reflects a fear of abandonment and anger at closeness.
* Shows up as jealousy, frequent arguments, or "testing" loyalty in romantic relationships.
* “I can’t control my emotions.”
* Results in impulsive decisions, like overreacting to conflicts or quitting a job abruptly.
* “My life is in constant chaos.”
* Creates instability in adulthood, from chronic procrastination to an inability to maintain supportive routines.
In relationships and work life, these patterns can make it difficult to build trust, regulate emotions, and achieve personal goals.
A Practical Tool: Safe Space Visualization
To calm the fight or flight response often triggered by disorganized attachment, I recommend Safe Space Visualization. This exercise can also benefit anyone looking to reduce stress and cultivate resilience.
Here’s how it works:
* Find a Quiet Place:Set aside 5-10 minutes where you won’t be disturbed.
* Deep Breathing:Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, and exhale for 6 counts. This activates your body’s relaxation response.
* Visualize Your Safe Space:Picture a place where you feel completely secure—a cozy room, a serene beach, or even a childhood memory.
* Engage your senses: What do you see, hear, smell, and feel? Imagine the warmth of the sun, the sound of waves, or the softness of a blanket.
* Anchor yourself in the moment: Picture being fully immersed in this space, free from worry or judgment.
* Use Affirmations:Repeat calming phrases like: “I am safe. I am capable. I can handle this moment.”
* Transition Back:Open your eyes slowly and carry the sense of calm into your day.
Why Safe Space Visualization Works
This practice isn’t just for those with disorganized attachment. It can help anyone by:
* Reducing Stress: Lowers cortisol levels, helping you stay relaxed and focused.
* Enhancing Emotional Regulation: Trains your brain to respond calmly to stressors.
* Boosting Resilience: Builds an internal anchor for times of uncertainty.
* Improving Focus and Creativity: Helps reset your mind when thoughts feel scattered.
Your safe space is always available to you, offering calm and clarity whenever you need it. Whether you’re facing a stressful moment or simply want peace, this practice reconnects you with a sense of control and ease.
I’d love to hear how this exercise works for you! Feel free to reply and share your experiences—or any creative twists you’ve added to make it uniquely yours.
Wishing you calm and clarity,
Dr. Judy Ho
P.S. If you found this helpful, share it with someone who could use a little extra peace today!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Do you often rely on external achievements or social praise to feel good about yourself? Struggle to trust others or prefer to tackle challenges alone? Maybe you hear an overly critical inner voice in your head.
If any of this sounds familiar, you might have an avoidant attachment style. Avoidantly attached individuals often:
* Struggle with intimacy,
* Tie their self-worth to their achievements, and
* Overfocus on tasks to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
In this newsletter, we’ll explore how avoidant attachment develops, how it shows up in your life, and what you can do to cultivate healthier, more connected relationships. For more on avoidant attachment and the hidden ways it impacts your life, check out my most recent episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
What Causes Avoidant Attachment?
Attachment styles are deeply rooted in early life experiences, particularly the dynamics we had with our primary caregivers. For individuals with avoidant attachment, these early relationships may have lacked consistent emotional warmth, support, or validation. Caregivers might have been emotionally unavailable, dismissive of a child’s emotional needs, or overly focused on achievement rather than connection.
In such an environment, a child learns that expressing vulnerability is either unsafe or futile. For instance:
* If a child seeks comfort but is met with indifference or criticism, they may begin to suppress their emotional needs to avoid rejection.
* If emotional expression is discouraged or invalidated, the child might internalize the belief that emotions are a sign of weakness.
* If caregivers emphasize independence to an extreme, the child may equate self-sufficiency with worthiness.
Over time, these experiences shape a defensive coping strategy: emotional self-reliance. The child grows into an adult who avoids emotional intimacy, prefers independence, and often struggles to trust others. While this attachment style is an adaptive response to an emotionally distant environment, it can create barriers to forming deep, fulfilling relationships later in life.
The Pros and Cons of Avoidant Attachment
Despite its challenges, avoidant attachment isn’t all bad. In fact, many people with this attachment style develop traits that serve them well in certain areas of life:
* High Achievement: The focus on independence and self-reliance often translates into a strong work ethic and drive for success. Avoidantly attached individuals are often seen as go-getters who achieve their goals with determination and discipline.
* Calm Under Pressure: Their ability to compartmentalize emotions allows them to remain composed in stressful situations, making them reliable leaders and decision-makers.
* Charisma and Sociability: While they may keep relationships at a surface level, their confidence and charm can make them enjoyable company, especially in social or professional settings.
* Resilience: Their self-sufficient nature equips them to navigate challenges independently, building a strong sense of personal resilience.
However, these strengths often come with significant downsides, particularly in the realm of emotional connection:
* Difficulty with Intimacy: Avoidantly attached individuals may keep others at arm’s length, avoiding vulnerability and deep emotional connections. This can leave their partners or loved ones feeling distant or unimportant.
* Overreliance on Achievement: By tying self-worth to accomplishments, they may develop a workaholic mindset, using tasks as a way to distract from uncomfortable emotions. This can lead to burnout and a persistent sense of dissatisfaction.
* Emotional Avoidance: To maintain their independence, they often suppress their emotions or dismiss the emotional needs of others, which can create a lack of depth in relationships.
* Self-Criticism: A harsh inner voice often drives them to set unrealistically high expectations for themselves, leading to feelings of inadequacy, even in the face of success.
As you can see, avoidant attachment is a double-edged sword. While it fosters traits like independence and resilience, it can also hinder meaningful relationships and emotional fulfillment. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward balancing the positives with intentional efforts to build trust, vulnerability, and connection.
The Small Steps of Connection Exercise
Healing avoidant attachment is a journey of unlearning old patterns and building new habits that encourage trust, vulnerability, and emotional connection. The key is to reframe emotional connection—not as a risk but as an opportunity for growth, fulfillment, and deeper relationships.
Healing from avoidant attachment doesn’t mean losing your independence or ambition; it’s about learning to incorporate emotional intimacy into your life in ways that enhance your well-being and relationships. In my book, The New Rules of Attachment, I delve deeper into healing attachment styles, but here’s a simple exercise to get started.
This exercise is particularly effective because it encourages reflection, emotional awareness, and small, actionable goals, which are essential for people with avoidant attachment styles. These steps will not only help you connect more authentically with others but also nurture a sense of emotional safety within yourself, setting the foundation for healthier relationships and greater well-being.
* Morning Check-InSpend 5 minutes identifying how you’re feeling. Write it down: “I feel anxious about today’s meeting,” or “I feel excited to catch up with a friend.” Acknowledging your emotions is the first step to reconnecting with yourself.
* Set a Daily Connection GoalChoose one small way to emotionally connect with someone. For example, send a quick text to a friend: “Thinking of you!” or thank a colleague for their help.
* Practice VulnerabilityShare one personal feeling in a safe interaction. Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” try, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, but I’m working through it.”
* Listen IntentlyWhen someone shares, resist the urge to give advice. Instead, say, “That sounds challenging. How can I support you?”
* Celebrate Your EffortsAt day’s end, reflect on a positive interaction. Write down one insight, such as, “I felt good sharing my feelings, and my friend was supportive.”
Over time, these small actions help build comfort with vulnerability, creating stronger connections and greater well-being.
Take the First Step
The next time you’re feeling disconnected, try one of these small steps. Even a simple text like, “I’d love to catch up soon—how’s your week going?” can open the door to connection without feeling overwhelming.
You deserve fulfilling relationships and meaningful connections. Start small, and let me know how it goes! If you found this helpful, share it with a friend. Together, we can all work toward healthier relationships.
Check Out My Mental Wellness Advent Calendar!
Every year, I create a mental wellness advent countdown calendar with a simple tip to strengthen your mental health every day. The holidays are an especially challenging time for many people, which is why I started this tradition years ago to make sure we are being intentional about taking care of our well-being. Join me in this 31 day challenge (and it’s ok that we are already into the first week of December - you can start this on any day of this month, or any other month)!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Maybe you’ve felt the pang of fear when someone doesn’t text you back right away.
Perhaps you’ve avoided voicing your needs at work, worrying it might upset your boss.
Or maybe you need frequent validation, like needing to hear “I love you” or “You’re doing great” to feel secure.
These can be telltale signs of anxious attachment—and let me tell you, you’re not alone. Anxious attachment is one of the most common insecure attachment styles.
In fact, this attachment style has been linked to chronic people-pleasing, shaky self-esteem, and even professional struggles. And it doesn’t just affect us—it’s a hot topic in the lives of celebrities too. (More on that in a minute.)
Here, we’re going to look at where anxious attachment comes from, how it impacts your relationships and career, and, most importantly, what you can do to heal. For a deeper exploration of this topic, check out my most recent episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
What is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment starts in childhood, often in relationships where care or affection was inconsistent. As a child, you might have felt unsure if your caregiver would be there when you needed them. Fast forward to adulthood, and this uncertainty becomes a blueprint for your relationships and even your career.
A great example? Actress Kristen Bell has openly discussed how therapy helped her overcome patterns of anxious attachment in her marriage. She shared that she used to struggle with needing constant reassurance and approval, which made her feel emotionally vulnerable. (Fun fact: I actually acted with her in an episode of Veronica Mars. I share my experience working with her in the most recent Mental Health Bites episode).
On the career side, research from Frontiers in Psychology reveals that anxious attachment can lead to lower workplace satisfaction and productivity, often because of a fear of rejection or failure. Think about it: if you’re constantly second-guessing your performance or seeking validation, that emotional toll can block your professional growth.
Here’s the core of it—anxious attachment leads to chronic people-pleasing. Why? Because your self-esteem relies on external approval. This can keep you stuck in a cycle of seeking validation and feeling unfulfilled when you don’t get it. Sound familiar?
Anxious Attachment in Childhood
Anxious attachment usually develops early in childhood. Anxiously attached children realize their caregivers may not be able to meet their needs, but they also need to accept whatever support they can get because their survival depends on it. As a result, they behave in ways that are designed to keep parents as close as possible while also concealing qualities they believe are undesirable to their parents.
Over time, the inconsistent bond with their caregivers causes them to tread carefully with their parents and become chronic people pleasers so their loved ones won’t abandon them. Consequently, their own feelings, desires, and needs are often stifled or buried.
Anxious Attachment in Adulthood
As adults, anxiously attached people depend on other people’s constant positive reinforcement and approval to maintain their self-esteem, self-worth, and overall sense of self. They may use people-pleasing behaviors as a way to maintain relationships, ensure support, and reduce their anxiety.
Many adults with anxious attachment find social settings more stressful than the average person because they worry about what others think of them, often focusing on the negative while filtering out the positive. This can lead to thoughts of imagined rejection, second-guessing interactions, and believing they are solely to blame for any bad outcomes.
How Anxious Attachment Can Affect You in the Workplace
There is a lot of information out there on how anxious attachment can affect a person in romantic relationships, but far less information about how anxious attachment affects other realms of life - like one’s career. Anxiously attached individuals may constantly seek approval from their colleagues and make an extra effort to be liked by everyone at work. This can make it difficult for them to speak up in meetings out of fear that they might be ridiculed or their ideas might be rejected. It can also lead them into the trap of groupthink, or burning themselves out trying to impress their colleagues or a supervisor.
If a day or two goes by without positive reinforcement, this worker may begin to question their own productivity, likability, and value as an employee. Colleagues may tire of having to constantly reassure these workers, and may create distance in that workplace relationship, provoking even more anxiety and self-doubt for the worried warrior. Worried warriors might have problems starting projects or making decisions without getting others’ input and approval, limiting their ability to innovate and grow. As leaders, their people-pleasing tendencies might get in the way of making more effective decisions.
Fear of negative evaluations might keep these employees confined to their comfort zone to avoid criticism or disparagement. Because anxiously attached people put a negative filter on most interactions, they can feel underappreciated and dissatisfied, which can cause them to invest less in their work identity and quit jobs sooner than others.
“I’m Not as Worthy as Others.”
This is a core belief that I often find anxiously attached people ascribing to. Part of the reason people with anxious attachment have such a low sense of self-worth is that they have a much higher, more universally positive view of others’ worth. As a child, they strongly desired caregiver approval and attention, and may have prioritized these desires over building a healthy self-concept. Growing up, that person may have developed beliefs that they are unworthy, unlovable, or incapable. Then, through selective bias, which is a largely subconscious process, this person pays more attention to events and situations that might support these negative core beliefs, which causes them to strengthen over time.
If their primary caregivers were sparing or sporadic with their love and attention, this can lead people with anxious attachment to constantly seek out signs and behaviors of caring from others that “prove” they are worthy of love. Yet, even when they get validation, they seem to have trouble holding on to this feeling for long. So they seek validation again and again, often from the same person who holds importance to them.
Over time, worried warriors’ emphasis on others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors over their own leads them to subconsciously (or consciously) form the idea that they are not as worthy as others—of love, attention, achievement. They need only look at their own behaviors to confirm this: They constantly work so hard to chase validation from others and put a premium on others’ opinions, values, and experiences, so it must be that they are not as important as others.
In trying to please others and meet their needs—often at the expense of their own—they become more self-critical and don’t treat themselves with the same love and compassion as others. The proverbial pat on the back from others is just a quick fix that does not address the deeper yearning of their inner child who still seeks validation. Their brain starts to internalize these messages and the belief that they are not worthwhile solidifies and drives their behaviors.
The Antidote to “I’m Not as Worthy as Others.”
No matter the roots of your low self-worth, the great news is that by engaging in science-backed exercises you can strengthen your self-concept and increase your resilience. I cover many of these in my book, but here, I want to share one easy to implement tip that’s designed to help you find self-assurance and shift your focus from external validation to inner strength. I call it “The Daily Anchor.” Let’s break this down into three actionable steps:
* Set a Morning Intention. At the start of your day, take 5 minutes to reflect on what you want to achieve, but frame it around your values and needs—not anyone else’s approval. Write this intention in a journal or on a sticky note. Instead of saying, ‘I’ll make my manager happy by working extra hours,’ say, ‘I will contribute meaningfully in today’s team meeting and honor my boundaries by stopping work at 6 PM.’ This primes your mind to focus on self-directed goals, reducing the need for external reassurance.
* Pause for Reflection Midday. Midway through your day, set a timer on your phone to take a 2-3 minute break. During this time, ask yourself: Am I acting in alignment with my values? and Am I seeking validation, or am I honoring my self-worth? If you notice you’re slipping into people-pleasing mode, reset your mindset. Take a few deep breaths, remind yourself of your morning intention, and adjust your actions accordingly. For example, if you catch yourself over-apologizing for a minor mistake, stop and think: ‘Did this mistake really harm anyone, or am I just afraid of being judged?’
* Celebrate Small Wins in the Evening. At the end of your day, take 5 minutes to reflect on one thing you did well that made you proud. Write it down, and be specific about what you did and how it felt. This helps you build self-validation and reinforces the belief that your worth isn’t dependent on others’ approval.
For more tips, including on assertive communication, give the podcast a listen and stick around for the Q&A, where I answer a listener question about how to be more assertive at work.
My Holiday Mental Wellness Advent Calendar!
Every year, I create a mental wellness advent countdown calendar with a simple tip to strengthen your mental health every day. The holidays are an especially challenging time for many people, which is why I started this tradition years ago to make sure we are being intentional about taking care of our well-being. Join me in this 31 day challenge (and it’s ok that we are already into the first week of December - you can start this on any day of this month, or any other month)!
Check this out and let me know if it’s helpful. And if you think someone else might benefit, share this newsletter and this resource with them!
Here’s to Your Health,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
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Actor Jim Carrey—who’s been candid about his mental health journey—once said,"Your body needs to be in the present moment to make contact with life."
He’s onto something profound. Living fully in the present is a cornerstone of mental well-being, and one powerful method to achieve this is Gestalt therapy.
What is Gestalt Therapy?
What Jim Carrey talks about is a concept central to Gestalt therapy—being present so you can fully experience life as it unfolds rather than getting lost in memories or anticipating the future.
If you’ve ever felt like mindfulness is more about forcing yourself to sit still and clear your head, Gestalt therapy is a game-changer. Instead of asking you to quietly observe your thoughts, Gestalt therapy is about actively working through what’s holding you back—emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
Here’s why it’s different:
* You don’t just sit with emotions—you engage with them. Gestalt therapy uses active techniques like role-playing, expressive exercises, and body awareness to confront what’s unresolved, whether it’s stress, frustration, or an old argument you can’t let go of.
* It’s not just “be in the moment”—it’s about making sense of it. If mindfulness feels like a vague "awareness," Gestalt therapy helps you unpack why you're feeling what you're feeling and what it means for your life.
* You move beyond reflection to action. The goal isn’t just to "feel better" in the moment; it’s to integrate your experiences and make tangible changes that improve your relationships, career, and emotional health.
At its heart, Gestalt therapy is about holistic self-awareness. It encourages you to engage with your emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations as they occur in the present moment. Instead of analyzing the past or worrying about the future, Gestalt therapy helps you experience and integrate your emotions right now, leading to greater clarity, emotional healing, and personal growth.
For a deeper dive into Gestalt therapy and to learn three of the most well-known techniques and why they work, check out the most recent episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube). And read on to learn a simple, transformative exercise you can try today. But first, let’s do a little compare and contrast between Gestalt Therapy and a type of therapy that has gotten a lot of press coverage in the past couple of decades.
Gestalt Therapy vs. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Gestalt therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are two distinct approaches to psychotherapy that are widely used to help individuals manage mental health challenges. Both are goal-oriented, involve active participation, and rely on structure to guide clients toward awareness and resolution of issues. But there are some key differences, and knowing this might help you to learn which approach might appeal most to you.
* Emotion vs. Cognition. Gestalt therapy emphasizes emotional awareness and physical sensations in the context of the present moment. CBT places a stronger emphasis on thoughts and behaviors, identifying irrational or distorted thinking patterns and replacing them with more rational, balanced thoughts.
* Experiential Techniques vs. Cognitive Restructuring Techniques. Gestalt therapy uses experiential techniques such as role-playing to help clients become more aware of their immediate emotional and physical experiences. CBT employs more cognitive restructuring techniques such as thought logs to challenge negative or distorted thoughts and replace them with more balanced, adaptive beliefs.
* Different Ways of Viewing the Past. Gestalt therapy explores how unresolved issues from the past affect the present moment, particularly through unfinished business like suppressed emotions. CBT may acknowledge past experiences, it tends to focus on current cognitive processes and behaviors.
* Different Ways of Measuring Outcomes. Gestalt therapy is process-oriented and emphasizes self-awareness and emotional growth. Success is often measured in terms of the client's subjective experience of emotional integration and personal insight. CBT is highly evidence-based and involves clear goals with concrete assessments of cognitive changes, symptom reduction, and behavioral improvements.
Exercise: The Empty Chair
To give you a taste of Gestalt therapy, I want to share with you one of its most famous techniques—the Empty Chair technique. While it’s typically done with a therapist, you can try a simplified version of this exercise at home to gain insights and work through unresolved emotions.
Here’s how you can do it in four simple steps:
* Set the Stage. Find a quiet space and place two chairs facing each other—one for you to sit in, and one to represent the person or part of yourself you need to communicate with. You can imagine this other person sitting there or even place an object in the chair to help you visualize them.
* Speak Your Mind. Sit down in your chair and take a deep breath. Imagine the person or part of yourself sitting across from you. Start to talk to them as if they’re really there. Express everything you’ve been holding inside—your thoughts, your feelings, anything unresolved. This could be an old argument, feelings of hurt, or even things you appreciate but never expressed. For example, if you’ve been feeling guilty about a past mistake, imagine yourself speaking to the version of you from that time, and say whatever you need to. Let it all out without holding back.
* Switch Roles. Now, stand up and sit in the other chair. Imagine that you are now the other person or the part of yourself you were talking to. Respond to what you just heard. This might feel awkward at first, but give yourself permission to engage fully. You might be surprised at what comes out when you imagine yourself in the other person's shoes or that part of yourself trying to speak up.
* Reflect. After you’ve completed the dialogue, return to your original chair and reflect on the experience. How do you feel? Did you gain any insights or relief from expressing what’s been on your mind? Journaling your thoughts afterward can help you process what came up during the exercise.
Doing this at home might not replace a therapy session, but it’s a great way to process unresolved emotions in a structured, mindful way. Whether you’re working through grief, frustration, or self-doubt, this technique helps you confront those feelings in a safe space.
If this is piquing your interest at all, I encourage you to give it a try. And if you find yourself curious to learn more about Gestalt therapy, give my most recent episode of Mental Health Bites a watch or listen (right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube) and let me know if you have any questions at all!
To your health,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Everyday habits often go unnoticed, but they hold the power to transform your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Factors like sleep, diet, physical activity, social connection, and stress management are essential for preventing and managing mental health issues, including depression and anxiety.
I often talk about the importance of lifestyle changes with my patients that can support their mental health and overall well-being. Sometimes we forget how essential these lifestyle changes are, and also how simple they are to implement - and yet, they lead to profound changes in how you feel.
Here are my top 5 lifestyle factors for mental wellness.
1. SleepSleep is the cornerstone of mental health. Yet, more than one-third of Americans aren’t getting the recommended 7-9 hours per night (CDC). Sleep deprivation is associated with a 48% increased risk of developing depression and a 36% increased risk of anxiety. Without adequate rest, the brain struggles to regulate emotions, process stress, and function cognitively.
2. Physical ActivityRegular exercise doesn’t just boost physical health—it improves your mood. Studies show that 30 minutes of moderate activity, like brisk walking, 3-5 times a week, reduces depression symptoms by up to 47%. Movement releases endorphins, your body’s natural mood lifters.
3. Wholesome DietYour brain thrives on quality nutrition. Diets rich in whole foods—like the Mediterranean diet—are linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, while diets high in sugar and processed foods increase the risk of mental health disorders.
4. Social ConnectionStrong relationships are vital. Loneliness is as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Harvard study). Meanwhile, meaningful connections reduce stress and improve emotional well-being.
5. Stress ManagementChronic stress disrupts cortisol levels, which can harm mood and memory. Simple techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, or meditation for 5-10 minutes daily help lower cortisol and regulate emotions.
For an even deeper dive into lifestyle factors and techniques for improvement, check out my most recent podcast episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
In this newsletter, I’d like to home in on one crucial (and often overlooked) lifestyle factor out of the top 5: Quality Sleep.
The Role of Sleep Hygiene
If sleep is the foundation of mental health, sleep hygiene is the blueprint. Sleep hygiene refers to habits that promote consistent, quality sleep. By addressing these habits, you can reset your internal clock, improve emotional regulation, and enhance overall well-being.
Here’s a simple 5-step nighttime routine to optimize your sleep:
* Set a Consistent Sleep Schedule: Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Consistency strengthens your body’s circadian rhythm.
* Wind Down with Light Physical Activity: Do 5-10 minutes of gentle yoga, stretching, or deep breathing. This helps release tension and prepare your body for rest.
* Choose a Sleep-Friendly Snack: Reach for a banana, almonds, or warm milk—foods rich in tryptophan or magnesium to promote relaxation.
* Disconnect from Screens: Turn off phones, TVs, and computers at least 30 minutes before bed to reduce blue light exposure, which interferes with melatonin production.
* Practice Relaxation Techniques: Spend the last 10-15 minutes journaling, meditating, or listing three things you’re grateful for. This calms your mind and shifts your focus from stress to positivity.
Sleep Hygiene Do’s and Don’ts
Still having trouble sleeping? Try these do’s and don’ts to refine your routine:
Do:
* Stick to a consistent sleep schedule: Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Consistency strengthens your circadian rhythm, making it easier to fall asleep and wake up naturally.
* Create a comfortable sleep environment: Keep your bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. A restful environment signals your brain that it’s time to unwind and helps prevent sleep disturbances.
* Expose yourself to natural light during the day: Spend time outdoors or near a window during daylight hours. Sunlight helps regulate melatonin levels, improving both sleep quality and mood.
* Limit naps to 20-30 minutes: Take them earlier in the day if needed. Short naps can recharge your energy without disrupting your nighttime sleep cycle.
Don’t:
* Use electronics before bed: Avoid screens—like phones, TVs, and computers—at least 30-60 minutes before bedtime. Blue light suppresses melatonin, the hormone responsible for sleep, making it harder to drift off.
* Eat large meals, caffeine, or alcohol close to bedtime: These can cause discomfort, indigestion, or restless sleep. Instead, finish eating at least 2-3 hours before bed to give your body time to digest.
* Engage in emotionally or physically stimulating activities right before bed: Avoid intense workouts, emotionally charged shows, or last-minute work emails. These activities can spike adrenaline and keep your mind racing.
* Ignore persistent sleep problems: If you consistently struggle with falling or staying asleep, consult a healthcare provider. Chronic sleep issues can have serious mental and physical health implications if left untreated.
Why It Matters
The choices you make today lay the groundwork for a healthier tomorrow. Lifestyle factors like sleep, diet, and stress management may seem small, but they have a monumental impact on your mental health.
Take it step by step. Start by improving one area, like your sleep routine, and watch as the benefits ripple into every corner of your life.
For more practical tips and an in-depth discussion, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy—where we explore how to take control of your lifestyle and your mental health.
Share the Knowledge
If these tips resonated with you, share them with a friend or loved one. Let’s help everyone get the sleep and mental health they deserve. Don’t sleep on this—small changes can lead to big transformations.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Stress—whether in the form of chronic stress, unresolved trauma, or emotional overwhelm—is an issue that affects people across all walks of life.
* 80% of adults report feeling daily stress, with three in five people saying the pandemic has led to ongoing nervous system dysregulation and chronic anxiety (APA Stress in America Survey).
* 70% of adults worldwide have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lifetime, while many others experience what we call “micro-traumas,” the smaller but frequent stressors that add up over time (according to a recent study in The Lancet).
Our nervous systems are designed to handle short bursts of stress, like running from a threat, but in today’s world, the stress often doesn’t stop. Many of us are in a constant state of "fight, flight, or freeze," which keeps the body on high alert.
Without a proper channel to express this stress and trauma and express it and let it go, our nervous systems can get dysregulated, leading to burnout, anxiety disorders, digestive issues, and even cardiovascular problems over time.
This is where somatic experiencing comes in. Somatic experiencing helps address and release this unresolved energy of stress by allowing you to reconnect with your body and release the tension that’s been building up.
Somatic Experiencing is based on the idea that trauma and stress get stored in the body, not just the mind. It’s not about reliving traumatic events; it’s about releasing the physical tension and bringing your nervous system back into balance.
It can be particularly helpful for people dealing with trauma, PTSD, chronic pain, and anxiety disorders. And the best part is, once you learn how to practice somatic experiencing, you can start using some of its principles on your own to help calm your nervous system and reduce stress.
For a deeper dive into somatic experiencing, its history, and techniques you can use at home, check out my most recent podcast episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube); but, while you’re here, let’s explore a bit further.
Practicing Somatic Experiencing at Home
Before you get started, remember that somatic experiencing is about listening to your body and letting it guide the healing process. It’s a practice, and the more you do it, the more in tune with your nervous system you’ll become.
* Find a Comfortable Space. Sit in a quiet, comfortable spot where you won’t be disturbed. Take a few deep breaths, and bring your attention to your body. Notice how your feet feel on the ground, how your back feels against the chair, and how your body feels at this moment. The goal here is to ground yourself. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, open your eyes and look around. Find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This is called the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique and helps you stay present while calming your nervous system.
* Identify Sensations. Close your eyes and tune into any sensations in your body. You might notice areas of tension, warmth, coolness, or even areas that feel numb. There’s no right or wrong here – just notice what’s happening in your body.
* Stay with the Sensation. Once you’ve identified a sensation, stay with it for a few moments. Instead of trying to change it, just observe it with curiosity. Does the sensation stay the same, or does it change as you pay attention to it? Does it move around, or does it intensify?
* Follow the Release. As you stay with the sensation, you might notice your body starting to shift. Maybe you feel an urge to take a deeper breath, maybe your muscles start to relax, or maybe you even feel a little trembling. These are all signs that your nervous system is releasing stored energy. Bring your attention to your breathing, noticing the rhythm of each inhale and exhale. Try breathing in for four counts, holding for two, and breathing out for six counts. This extended exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps your body relax.
* Ground Yourself. After spending a few minutes with this process, gently bring your attention back to the present moment. Feel your feet on the ground again, and take a few deep breaths. You should feel a sense of calm or lightness after allowing your body to process and release the stored energy.
These techniques can be used separately or together depending on what works best for you. Over time, practicing somatic experiencing will help you tune into your body’s natural signals and allow your nervous system to process stress more efficiently.
Bonus Technique: Shake It Off
I want to leave you with one more somatic experiencing technique. If you’ve had a particularly stressful day, spend a few minutes shaking your body from head to toe. Let the movement be loose and free, and don’t worry about how it looks. This helps your nervous system “reset” after being on high alert. When doing this, start slowly and gently, allowing your body to move naturally. Shaking is one of the ways animals release tension after a stressful event, and it can be incredibly effective for humans too. You might feel silly at first, but give it a try and see how much lighter you feel afterward.
The next time you feel stressed, give one of these a try. And if you found it helpful, please forward it to a friend who you think would benefit from this.
Here’s to your health,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe -
Would you wake up at 5 a.m. to meditate and take an ice bath? Or, less extreme, have you sipped your way through every permutation of matcha, coffee, and hard-to-pronounce adaptogen stimulants on offer in an attempt to find the best shortcut to intense mental focus?
Productivity hacks like these are ubiquitous, filling up social media feeds as people try to find the solution to staying on task in a world often determined to distract us.
Whether you’re an entrepreneur whose efforts equal your income or a salaried employee working remotely and fighting off the siren call of YouTube videos or the annoying necessity of household chores, you’ve probably hoped for a hack that would grant you the ability to get your work done efficiently and effectively.
In the most recent podcast episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), I dive even deeper into productivity hacks than I do here to help you get more done—whether it’s for work or personal projects. Here, however, I want to debunk three productivity myths and share with you a technique to help you focus on what truly matters.
Three Productivity Myths
If productivity is by definition the ability to produce effectively, our first thought may be to expend more effort, time, and mental energy to try and increase output. But cutting through the morass of methods means first determining what productivity is and isn’t. Unfortunately, much of the advice geared toward increasing productivity circulating online is built on myths that keep us from our full potential. So, let’s dismantle a few of the biggest myths, and talk about what actually works.
Myth #1: "To be productive, you need to work harder and longer."
This is one of the most pervasive myths, and one that feels true. The more hours you put in, the more you’ll accomplish, yes?
But the truth is, productivity isn’t about working longer or harder—it’s about working more efficiently.
Research shows that our brains can only focus intensely for about 90 minutes at a time before we start to lose energy and make more mistakes.
What actually works is focusing on quality over quantity. Instead of working through exhaustion, try to work in focused bursts and take regular breaks. Studies show that frequent short breaks actually increase your overall output, improve creativity, and keep you energized.
Myth #2: "Busy equals productive."
Have you ever had a day where you felt like you were constantly on the go, but by the end of it, you realized you hadn’t accomplished anything meaningful? That’s because being busy doesn’t mean being productive. It’s easy to fill your day with low-value tasks that feel urgent, like checking emails or responding to messages, but that doesn’t necessarily move you closer to your bigger goals.
What actually works is prioritizing your tasks by importance, not urgency.
The most productive people focus on tasks that have a high impact, rather than those that simply fill up their time. One great method for this is using Eisenhower’s Urgent-Important Matrix, which helps you categorize tasks based on how urgent and important they are, so you can spend your time on what really matters.
Myth #3: "The more you plan, the more productive you’ll be."
Planning is definitely important, but it can easily become over-planning, where you spend more time organizing and scheduling than actually doing the work. This is a trap known as analysis paralysis, where overthinking and over-planning prevent you from taking action.
What actually works is using a flexible plan with clear, actionable steps. Give yourself room to adjust as things come up, but don’t spend too much time planning out every detail. At the end of the day, execution is what matters.
How to Focus on What Truly Matters
The Daily Highlight is a fantastic way to simplify your productivity by focusing on what truly matters. Here’s how it works:
* Choose Your Highlight. At the start of each day, ask yourself, “What’s the most important thing I want to accomplish today?” It could be something work-related, like finishing a report, or something personal, like getting a workout in or spending quality time with family. The key is to pick just one thing that, if done, will make your day feel productive.
* Time It. Once you’ve chosen your highlight, block off time for it in your schedule. This helps you make it a priority, and it prevents other tasks from taking over your day. Whether it’s 30 minutes or a full hour, commit to dedicating that time to your highlight.
* Eliminate Distractions. When it’s time to focus on your daily highlight, create an environment where you can fully concentrate. This means turning off notifications, closing unnecessary browser tabs, and setting boundaries to make sure you don’t get interrupted.
* Celebrate the Win. At the end of the day, reflect on your highlight. Did you accomplish it? If so, take a moment to celebrate that win. Even if your day didn’t go perfectly, completing your highlight can give you a sense of achievement and progress.
Focusing on one key task each day is a simple but powerful way to boost productivity without feeling overwhelmed by a huge to-do list. Over time, this habit can help you make consistent progress on your goals, whether they’re related to work, personal projects, or self-care.
If you found value in our episode today, chances are your friends will too. Just hit the share button and send it to someone who would appreciate it as much as you did.
Let me know how these tips work for you, and whether you have any productivity tips of your own I didn’t mention!
Productively yours,
Dr. Judy
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
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Many people tend to think of therapy as a dialogue. However, as I’m sure you’ve experienced, sometimes it can be difficult to put what you’re feeling into words.
This is what expressive therapies are for.
Expressive therapies are therapeutic practices that use creative acts that involve the likes of the arts, music, theater, and movement to improve mental wellness. They’re rooted in a rich therapeutic tradition that began in the early 20th century, emerging from a growing understanding that people express themselves in ways beyond their words.
Art therapy, for instance, took off in the 1940s when pioneering therapists like Margaret Naumburg and Edith Kramer found that artistic expression could reveal unconscious thoughts and feelings. There’s also music therapy, which has roots that reach back to World War II. Musicians of the era observed that their music assisted in the mental and emotional recovery of wounded soldiers.
To learn more about the specific expressive therapies, be sure to give the latest episode of my podcast, Mental Health Bites, a listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube.
While expressive therapies have continued to evolve—incorporating dance, drama, poetry, and other forms of creativity—some people still write them off without understanding their purpose and methods. Here are some of the most common misconceptions - and the truth about expressive therapies.
Misconception 1: “Expressive therapies require artistic talent to produce something meaningful.”
Many people—especially those who feel self-conscious about their creative abilities—assume that expressive therapies require artistic talent or creativity, leading them to dismiss it.
Expressive therapies are not about producing beautiful or polished works of art; they’re about the process, not the product.
The act of creating—whether it’s drawing, writing, dancing, or making music—helps you access emotions and thoughts that might be hard to express verbally. Engaging in the creative process without worrying about the finished product can help you connect with your inner self in ways you might not have anticipated.
Misconception 2: "Expressive therapy is not evidence-based."
Some may think that expressive therapies lack scientific backing or that they aren’t as “serious” or “effective” as traditional talk therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychodynamic therapy.
While expressive therapies may feel unconventional, there’s a growing body of research showing their effectiveness for various mental health conditions, including trauma, anxiety, depression, and stress.
Art therapy, for example, has been shown to help trauma survivors process difficult emotions, and music therapy can enhance mood and emotional regulation in people with depression. Adding expressive therapies to your toolbox can complement traditional therapies, offering a more holistic approach to healing.
Misconception 3: “Expressive therapy is just for kids.”
Expressive therapies are often associated with children, especially because play therapy, art therapy, and dance therapy are frequently used to help children who can’t easily express their feelings with words.
Expressive therapies are highly effective for adults as well.
Expressive therapies can be tailored to the needs of adults and are increasingly used in treating PTSD, chronic pain, addiction, and other serious conditions. In fact, many adults who struggle with verbal communication, have experienced trauma, or feel emotionally “blocked” find that expressive therapies help them process complex feelings in a non-verbal, intuitive way.
Misconception 4: “Expressive therapies are just too ‘out there’ and ‘woo-woo’.”
Some people dismiss expressive therapies as being too alternative or “woo-woo,” lumping them in with practices they perceive as lacking credibility or rooted in spirituality rather than science.
While expressive therapies may feel unconventional, they offer practical, real-world benefits.
Engaging in creative expression can help people bypass intellectual defenses, allowing them to explore their emotions in a different, often deeper, way. Expression is about connecting with your body, emotions, and intuition, which can foster insights and emotional breakthroughs that traditional talk therapy may not always access.
Misconception 5: “Expressive therapy wouldn’t help me with my problems.”
If someone is dealing with concrete, pressing problems like stress at work, relationship issues, or anxiety, they might feel that expressive therapies are irrelevant or too abstract to address their practical needs.
Expressive therapies are versatile. They can help with emotional regulation, reduce stress, and provide relief from mental health challenges.
More importantly, expressive therapies can help you process difficult emotions or situations indirectly, allowing you to gain perspective on your problems in a safe and creative way.
For example, drawing or journaling about how anxiety feels can help externalize those feelings, giving you more clarity on how to manage them. It’s about broadening your coping skills repertoire so you have more tools available when dealing with life’s challenges.
Exploring Expressive Therapy: Your Emotion Map
Now, I’d like to encourage you to give an expressive therapy a try. Here’s something you can do to help you visually express and process your emotions using color, shapes, and simple forms.
Remember: it's not about making beautiful art, but about gaining insight into your emotional state and increasing emotional awareness.
It’ll take about 15-20 minutes, and all you’ll need is a large sheet of paper (any size works, but bigger gives more space to express), some colored pencils/markers/crayons, and a quiet, comfortable space to work. Once you’re settled, it’s time to begin.
* Prepare Your Space. Find a quiet place where you can relax and focus. Lay out your paper and coloring tools in front of you. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself before starting.
* Divide Your Paper. Take your paper and draw a large “+” sign, dividing the sheet into four quadrants. Each quadrant will represent one emotion.
* Assign Emotions to Each Quadrant. Choose four emotions that resonate with you at this moment. You could choose from common emotions like joy, sadness, anger, and peace, or you could pick emotions that are more specific to your current experience—such as anxiety, hope, frustration, or excitement.
* Map Your Emotions. In each quadrant, express the chosen emotion using colors, shapes, or abstract forms. You can do this any way that feels right to you. For joy, you might choose bright, warm colors like yellow or orange. Maybe you draw spirals, circles, or playful, flowing lines. For sadness, you might choose darker or cooler colors like blue or gray. Perhaps you use drooping lines or raindrop shapes to convey the heaviness of sadness. For anger, you might choose red, sharp, jagged shapes or intense scribbles might come to mind. Anger can feel sharp and energetic, so don’t be afraid to really let your pen move aggressively if that’s how you’re feeling. For peace, you might pick soft greens or blues, using smooth, even lines, waves, or gentle curves to capture the feeling of calmness.
* Take Your Time Expressing Yourself. Spend about 3-5 minutes on each quadrant. There’s no rush, and there’s no right or wrong way to do this. If you feel a certain emotion more strongly, you can spend more time on that quadrant.
* Add Words If You Wish. If you feel inclined, you can add single words or phrases within the quadrants that capture the essence of the emotion. For example, under sadness, you might write “heavy,” “tired,” or “lonely.” For joy, you could write “light,” “warm,” or “free.”
Once you’ve finished, take a few minutes to observe your emotion map and respond to the following questions.
* What stands out to you?
* Do certain colors or shapes feel more prominent?
* Are there emotions that took up more space than others?
* Can you identify any patterns? Ask yourself if the way you expressed these emotions visually tells you something about how you’re experiencing them internally.
You might notice that your anger section feels really intense with jagged red lines, while sadness is more subdued, almost overshadowed. This could reflect that you’re feeling more connected to your anger than your sadness at the moment.
If you tried the emotional mapping exercise and found it helpful, please share this with a friend or family member who could also benefit from a little self-expression.
P.S. If you want to dive deeper, you can take 5-10 minutes to journal about what you noticed in your emotion map and consider these additional questions.
* Does one emotion feel more dominant?
* Were you surprised by how an emotion showed up visually?
* How does seeing your emotions on paper shift your understanding of how you’re feeling?
If you found value in this newsletter, feel free to share with a friend using the button below.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
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