Episodes
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Chumi Friedman
Director of HUG, a division of A Time for those who have experienced perinatal or infant loss· My sister-in-law had a stillborn. The one-year mark is coming up. Should I say something to her?
· My brother lost an eleven-year-old son. But he was very special-needs. His bar mitzvah is coming up; they wouldn’t have made a real celebration anyway. Should I say something?
· Does it make sense that my sister-in-law doesn’t want to talk about her loss while my brother-in-law wants to talk nonstop? I thought men are more reticent.
· Is it better to say something cliché or just to say nothing?
These questions and more are posed to Mrs. Chumi Friedman all the time. There is no “one-answer-fits-all” here. She doesn’t know the person you are wondering about. But you do. Come listen and hopefully gain some valuable insights.
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Mrs. Esther Gendelman, MS, LPC, ACS
Mrs. Esther Gendelman’s passion is to help people foster meaningful relationships. There is no such thing as a perfect person, which means there’s also no such thing as a perfect relationship, although some relationships feel rock solid. Yet loss can impact even the strongest relationships with ripples of uncertainty.
A mother can feel so confused as she watches her daughter navigate the pain of losing a child.Where is her place in all this? And does her pain as a grandmother count at all? Similarly, after a wife loses a parent, her husband may be confused by her changes in behavior and mood swings. Loss affects not only immediate family members but also extends its reach to siblings,neighbors, and friends.
In the wake of profound loss, individuals may find themselves navigating uncharted territory in their relationships. Moreover, if relationships were already strained before the loss, the added burden can exacerbate existing struggles.
Listen to Mrs. Gendelman as she speaks with much wisdom and understanding. Relationships can be complicated. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be wonderful.https://www.chevrahlomdeimishnah.org/product/i-wish-someone-would-have-told-me-a-book-for-teens-who-have-lost-a-parent/
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Missing episodes?
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Hillel Fuld was preparing for Yom Kippur. Although he had heard the news about a terror attack in the neighborhood where his brother lived, he didn’t know that his brother was the victim. Because… well, these things only happen to other people. Except that sometimes they can happen to us.
During this time, when our hearts are with our brothers in Eretz Yisrael, when we all need to work on our emunah and we wonder why the world hates us, Mr. Fuld reminds us that halachah b’yaduah she’Eisav sonei l’Yaakov. We can’t change that. But we can recognize that wherever we may find ourselves, we need to be absolutely committed to making a Kiddush Hashem.
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Rabbi Naftoli Kassorla, Speaker, Teacher and Rebbi in Yerushalayim
Imagine getting an unexpected call informing you that your brother died. Presumably, you would always remember it as one of the most difficult phone calls of your life. But what happens if you haven’t spoken to that brother or had any kind of real relationship with him in years?
For valid reasons Rabbi Kassorla had found it simply impossible to maintain a relationship with him. In fact, Rabbi Kassorla was told that because of this history, he wasn’t even required to sit shivah. But his wife saw that perhaps it wasn’t so clear-cut. She encouraged her husband to re-ask the shailah. And so began a journey of grief that was very far from typical. Since that fateful phone call, Rabbi Kassorla has worked hard on himself, grappling with feelings of grief and confusion. Today, he has so much to share about that journey.
Rabbi Kassorla can be reached at mailto:[email protected]
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Mrs. Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
Mrs. Mindy Blumenfeld is positive and upbeat. She is smiley, and she makes you smile.
You would never know that she lost her youngest son Hillel to cancer. Although she has
been profoundly impacted by her loss, she won’t let the pain bring her down into
negativity.
She started writing about Hillel as a means of finding comfort. But really, her journey
with writing about her son began with the puppets she created when Hillel was first
diagnosed at age six. Faced with the challenge of keeping him occupied during difficult
treatments, she created cute little puppets. These whimsical characters not only
provided a distraction for Hillel but also became a source of comfort throughout his
battle, even during his relapse at the age of eleven and his subsequent years of illness
until he succumbed at age sixteen.
While initially crafted for one young child, these puppets have surpassed their original
purpose. They are now featured in a book designed to teach children about facing
challenges, and surprisingly, they have become valuable teachers for adults as well.
The story of these endearing puppets has also earned a place on the Relief from Grief
podcast. Mrs. Blumenfeld's resilience and creativity shine through, turning a personal journey of pain into a story that just might make you smile.
Click here to order the book
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Mr. Broyde, who happens to be my first cousin, discusses his struggles and pain after losing an uncle, aunt and cousin who were an integral part of his family.
He was part of the same tragedy that was my life. But as Mr. Aaron Broyde says repeatedly, it was from a seat further back. No one realized how much the loss of his relatives affected him because he was a nineteen-year-old bachur learning in yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael during that time.
He had stomach problems. The Israeli water is easy to blame for that. He had sleeping issues. Whatever. But after living with these issues for many years, even getting married and building his own family, Aaron said, “I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.” Finally, he invested time in understanding what trauma means. He spent time learning about neurological pathways. And he devoted time learning how to live with happiness and connection.
He found his own way. But I think it can become the way for many other people too.
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Mrs. Barbara Bensoussan
Novelist and well-known contributor to frum publications
The young mother checked in to the hospital to have a baby. Nothing out of the ordinary. But this time, nothing went as expected. Not many people die from childbirth today, but Mrs. Benssousan’s daughter Miriam did. When her birth experience went awry, the doctors worked all night, desperately trying to ensure a happy outcome. They saved the baby. But the mother remained in a coma for the next four months until she passed away. This precious newborn never got to know her mother. Her two older sisters have, at best, only hazy memories.
And then, before the year of aveilus was done, tragedy struck again. Mrs. Benssousan’s six-year-old grandson came down with what appeared to be a simple infection. But complications set in. For six months he fought for his life before succumbing.
Yet, despite her losses, Barabara is such a positive person. She clings to her emunah. And she clings to doing what is right.
She has been through a lot and she has a lot to offer.
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My Brother TuliMrs. Soroh Leah (Rickman) Cohen The Getting Used to Having a Pebble in Your Shoe podcast with Rabbi Benjy Rickman has gotten many hundreds of views. If you listen, you will understand why. When his son Tuli passed away, his world ended. The pain was so intense, it seemed to him that life must have stopped for the whole world. How could life move forward when his beloved son had died? But life did move forward, and Rabbi Rickman learned how to move forward with his pain, role-modeling for his family how to do so as well. And then Hashem blessed the family with a simchah. It was with much gratitude and joy that they celebrated the engagement and wedding of their daughter Soroh Leah. Like her father, Soroh Leah Rickman, now Cohen, has so much to share, but this time from the perspective of one who lost a sibling. She was so close to Tuli. She missed him like crazy. He wasn’t even at her wedding. But her husband is getting to know the brother-in-law he never met. Listening to Mrs. Cohen’s experiences and insights will give listeners a peek into what it can be like for those who lost a sibling.
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Rabbi Yitzchok Rubin Rav of Adas Aish Kodesh in Manchester England
She was Rebbetzin Rubin, but she was known as Chaiky. She had a way with people. Everyone who knew her felt loved and embraced by her – because she loved life, and she loved the people in her life. Whether it was her congregants or the ladies from the exercise class she gave, they all felt how deeply she cared.
Chaiky was a powerhouse of a person. She was always on the go, yet somehow had time for everyone. She was on the phone with her grandson Pinny one day, but she needed to leave to be on time for her exercise class. She handed the phone to her husband and told him, “Here, you talk to Pinny.” And then she died.
Her husband, a choshuve rav and mechanech, introduces himself as Chaiky’s husband. Because to him that is who he is. He is everything because of his wife. It is four years now since her petirah. He says, “The searing pain has diminished somewhat, but it hasn’t disappeared. I live with it always.”
Yet through his pain he talks about accepting difficult nisyonos.
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Rabbi Henoch Plotnik
Rosh Mesivta of Kesser Yonah, well-known speaker, actively involved with LINKS
The Torah recognizes the pain of loss, and the Torah gives us guidelines for navigating loss with the laws of shivah and aveilus, many of which correspond to the state of the neshamah of the niftar. There is much that we deduce about loss from the Torah, whether from Avraham Avinu, Aharon HaKohen or Dovid HaMelech.
Rabbi Plotnik talks to us about loss through the lens of the Torah, sharing stories past and present to give perspective.
Rabbi Plotnik acknowledges that loss is so painful. A he talks about strengthening emunah and learning from those who walked the path ahead of us. He is known to be an inspiring speaker; when you listen to this episode, you will understand why.
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Mrs. Devorah Schendler, author of Compatible with Life
Giving birth to a stillborn baby was so painful. Yet looking back, Mrs. Devorah Schendler saw how that experience strengthened her emunah muscle for the next great challenge – giving birth to a baby diagnosed with Trisomy-13, a syndrome that is incompatible with life. For seven-and-a-half weeks, the Schendlers threw themselves into taking care of their sick baby. At the same time, they had children at home who also needed their mommy; Mrs. Schendler found herself engaged in a balancing act that was confusing and sometimes very difficult. Even when the baby was home, he always came first, yet the children loved him. His petirah was hard on the entire family.
Not too long ago, the Schendlers welcomed a beautiful baby girl into their family. She is a cherished treasure that no one in the family takes for granted. And her name? Well, it is a beautiful name that describes exactly what the family went through. But to hear what it is, you need to first listen to Devorah share her story.
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Mrs. Rachel Stein
Prolific author, most recently of the book Uplift
She was a young mother with a houseful of children, and at this difficult time in her life, she felt torn in too many directions. Should she stay with her sick and dying mother or go home to her sick children who need a mommy to care for them? It seemed as if her mother was holding her own, so she left the hospital to be with her children for a bit.
While still in the car on the way home, she got the call. Her mother had died. Alone in the hospital without her only child at her side.
Rachel was very hard on herself. How could she have left her mother? What had she been thinking?
It took some time until eventually she realized that what had happened hadn’t been in her control. Nothing is. Hashem orchestrates each event so that they happen just the way they are supposed to. And Rachel believes her mother was somehow waiting for her daughter to leave before she died. She was protecting her little girl until the last moment.
She did take the lessons of her experience with her. Many years later when her elderly father-in-law was dying, she went to great lengths so that her husband wouldn’t miss the petirah. With a flurry of last-minute arrangements, she and her husband were present when her father-in-law passed away.
She obviously didn’t sit shivah for her father-in-law. But she “stood” shivah. Because we can lose people we love but don’t have the halachos of an aveil. It was a different journey than when she lost her mother. But it was a journey of loss nonetheless.
In her calm way, Mrs. Rachel Stein offers clarity and understanding about different kinds of loss and grief.
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Mrs. Feige Steinmetz
Mother of Dovi Steinmetz, who perished in the Meron tragedyLag Ba’Omer taf shin peh aleph (2021) is seared into our collective Jewish memory. It was on that day that a stampede took place in Meron, resulting in death and injury for many people.
At first it seemed that Dovi was safe. Then his parents were unsure. And then it was confirmed: Dovi had been killed in Meron.
How does a mother handle such news? Mrs. Steinmetz was in shock. It made no sense. How could it be? The Steinmetzes rushed to get to Eretz Yisrael. But in Ben Gurion airport the security personnel gave them a hard time, still particular about Covid restrictions.
Come listen to this strong woman. Hear her pain and her chizzuk. Hear the realness in her words and about her decision to be okay despite not being okay.
Because after losing a child, a mother will never be the same.
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Rabbi Chaim Ellis, LCSW
He was only four years old when his mother died. His memories of her are vague, and most of them are built from the pictures he has seen and the stories people have shared.
A year-and-a-half after his mother’s passing his father remarried. Rabbi Ellis shares that his stepmother is a wonderful person, and he has always had a good relationship with her. But while he grew up with two parents and a beautiful model of shalom bayis, he did not grow up with a mother. Because there is no replacement for a mother.
When Rabbi Ellis was growing up, he was sure that he was the only yasom in the world. When he did find a peer who also lost a parent, he was quick to connect with him. He was always a good listener and people opened up to him. He feels that this led him to his career as a therapist. Today he is a successful therapist in Passaic, NJ, and he is very involved in Shloimy’s Club, the boys’ division of LINKS.
He is also an author and has written about the silver linings he has found in different unique situations. Come learn from the boy who grew up without a mother.
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Mrs. Zissy Muller
She woke up one night and heard heavy rain outside her window. In a state of panic, she called her father and asked, “Where are the shovels? It’s raining. My child is cold. We must go dig him out of his grave.”
Meet Zissy Muller. No, she isn’t crazy. She is a mother who lost her child. When her beloved son died completely unexpectedly, she was thrust into a brand-new world of pain that was so intense, it felt as if she was being burned by a blazing flame. Continuing with life seemed so impossible – and also, so wrong. How could she go on when her child would never grow up?
Although she couldn’t dig her son out of his grave, she dug and dug internally to get to a place of acceptance and serenity. She wanted to be a happy person despite her pain.
Zissy says it as it is. She offers a wealth of guidance in how to grow from pain. And yes, her heart still feels the burning pain at times; never is there a day that she doesn’t think about her son. But the fire has died down to flickering sparks, which flare up on occasion.
This podcast offers chizzuk to those that lost a child and deep insight into what parents might experience after losing a child. Even many years after the loss.
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Don’t Explain Because There is No Explanation
Rabbi Sruli Fried, MSW
Director of Chai Lifeline NJ/PA
When a young child (in the NJ/PA) region has just been diagnosed, is on his deathbed or has just been niftar, Rabbi Fried is there. He sits with the family, and he cries with the family. His sensitivity hasn’t waned over time. Likely it has deepened.
Over the years, parents have shared with Rabbi Fried various things that can be helpful after losing a child and other things that can be hurtful. With true compassion and understanding he relays what he has learned.
I could have easily spoken to Rabbi Fried for a few more hours, but I told him I wouldn’t take more than an hour of his time. I had to keep my word – to him and to my listeners. I wonder if the listeners would have stayed on for the three hours I wished we could have spoken for.
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Lessons from the Past
Mrs. Chaya Ginzberg
BYA Teacher
Rivky, Mrs. Ginzberg’s daughter, was a young mother of four children when she was niftar. On this podcast, Mrs. Ginzberg shares how although each family member struggled with their pain in their own way, the family held onto each other for dear life.
With acceptance and faith there were no family politics. The relationship with her son-in-law, grandchildren and her son-in-law’s new wife remained peaceful and respectful.
And then tragedy struck again when her husband was niftar. But Mrs. Ginzberg shares that she has role models and chinuch from her past to guide her through her challenges. She says, “Aleph is for emunah and beis is for bitachon. My ancestors lost their entire families in the war, but they passed down a legacy of positivity.”
This podcast is shorter than most, but it is packed with inspiration. I think you’ll enjoy listening and gain a lot!
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Mrs. Deenie Yurkansky
If you listen to Mrs. Yurkansky, you may be blown away. I know I was. Her son Shaul was a most beloved son and friend. He was gentle and kind, and his mother misses him. It doesn’t matter how many years have gone by. A mother’s heart will never stop aching for her child.
But her connection to him is still strong, and she looks for signals from him.
Before he died, he said, “Ma, don’t forget about me 24/7.” When I asked her to come onto the podcast, she said, “Of course! It will be me giving over Shaul’s legacy, and Shaul helping me give it over.”
Listen as she keeps his legacy alive with her beautiful, heartfelt words. They give her chizzuk while she gives chizzuk to others.
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Rabbi Shmuel Kohn, Therapist and Founder of Shloimy’s Club
When people go through a tough nisayon, it isn’t uncommon to feel angry at Hashem. A person might shut down or feel numb, and they may even feel unable to daven. This can cause a lot of inner turmoil. Where is my emunah? Do I not believe in Hashem? From the time we are young we are taught that everything that happens is from Hashem, so if I’m thinking this way, I must be a terrible person.
Or not. You may just be a person who went through a very painful experience. As humans we might feel these emotions and condemn ourselves when we do.
Rabbi Kohn so clearly explains how feeling anger and pain or asking questions of Hashem doesn’t mean you don’t believe. There is room for both. You are not an apikores just because you have these questions.
Rabbi Kohn explores this concept so beautifully from therapeutic and hashkafic perspectives. Come listen and gain clarity and insight.
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Mrs. Robin Meyerson, West Coast Director of NASCK (National Association of Chevrah Kadisha)
Mrs. Robin Meyerson has a passion, and she passionately shares it. That passion is to help prevent cremation. She exhorts her listeners: “As Jews, we are all one, so when one Jew is being cremated, it affects all of us. We must stop this from happening.” She repeats so many times that she is available 24/6 to help save a Jew from being cremated.Robin laments that there are so many misconceptions about cremation versus burial. Many people think cremation is cheaper or better for the environment. One person shared that she was scared to be buried because she doesn’t like bugs! Robin clearly explains the fallacy of such thinking. She personally gets involved and does whatever she can to bring fellow Jews to proper kevurah.
What does this have to do with you? There are many frum people who have non-frum relatives. And that is why this podcast is so important. Robin’s message is aimed at the frum community. Do you have a non-frum relative, neighbor or friend? Talk to them about kevuras Yisrael now, when they are still living; once they have passed on, their post-death plans will be very difficult to change.
Are you scared to touch upon this topic or unsure about how to broach it? Robin shares her cell number twice on this podcast. She is waiting to support you through this vital conversation.
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