Episodes
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I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.
You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist). But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful.
But can you do it alone?
Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach. So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program. And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage.
Many times, that means I am speaking with one person. So, can you do coaching together? With your spouse?
Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast. So, here it is!
You can listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES:
No, this won't save your marriage (but might be what therapy focuses on)
What DOES determine success or failure in therapy?
Top 10 myths about marital therapy
3 times when coaching can help
Grab the Save The Marriage System -
Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"
The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.
Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.
Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!
Listen below.
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Pause Button Marriages
Dangers of Disconnection
"Can This Marriage Be Saved?”
The Save The Marriage System -
Missing episodes?
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It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control.
A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out." Which means it might not take much for you to boil over...
And undo any progress you have been making.
I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions." And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.
In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.
Is it hard? It can be a challenge. But it is do-able.
You can do it! Let's talk about how!
(Listen Below!)
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Getting Perspective
You Need A Plan
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Get Some Support
Don't Read Tea Leaves
The Save The Marriage System -
She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?"
Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat. A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.
We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened. Connecting requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.
Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat. So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety? Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?
Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.
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Connection and Disconnection Resources
Connection or Protection
Save The Marriage System -
When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.
But then....
They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.
Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured.
Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.
I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.
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You Need A Plan
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Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change?
That question has been asked for millenia. It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology.
And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer.
As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question.
Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship.
Short answer, "Yes, you and your marriage can change. But will you??"
Let's talk about the possibility of change, the potential for it, and how to move toward it. That is what we cover in this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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Why Your Spouse Doesn't See Your Changes
What To Do When A Spouse Says, "You'll Never Change!"
Save The Marriage System -
What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?
That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.
As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)
Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won't address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.
The binary question: "work on me or work on WE?" stands out. But does it have to be so binary. Is it really one or the other? Or is there another way to approach this?
If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won't work... and might make things better. So, what CAN you do?
Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.
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Showing UP in Marriage
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The Save The Marriage System HERE -
Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.
But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding.
Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.
Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't.
As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle: Connect, Don't Crowd.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you access to one of ten principles I cover in my VIP program (an advanced program for those who have my System, but want to be more effective or need more help).
Resources in the VIP program are generally restricted only to VIP members, but I wanted to make sure you don't fall into the "crowding trap." I see it far too often.
Especially for people who have realized they hit the Pause Button on their marriage... and are trying to reconnect.
Listen in to find how to connect without crowding. Don't fall into the trap!
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Pause Button Marriage
Connection is the Life Blood
Connection Tools
Save The Marriage System -
Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.
Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.
Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. There are others.
But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point.
To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around. (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.) It's just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage.
Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage? No. But they may just make a shift. Playing the odds, doesn't it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change?
Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points.
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You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!
And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.
And it knocks you down.
Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.
But are you? Or do you need to get back up?
In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.
And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.
We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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Dealing with Discouragement
You Need A Plan
Not A Wish, A Plan
Your Support Team
Do You Need Coaching?
Coaching Resource Page
Save The Marriage System -
Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?
Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.)
Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.
If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it!
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Book: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs)
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Where To Focus
"The Last Straw"
Going Pro
Program: Save The Marriage -
How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage??
That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls.
I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart on the line, if there just isn't any way to get a positive outcome?
So, people want to know... is there a way to know if it is too late?
Good news: there is!
Bad news: it will take some action on your part!
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover how you can find out if it is too late to save your marriage. Listen below.
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My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path.
The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and stagnate when we don't. But that path to create. Where to??
I recently got an email that asked just that: "What is the path I am building? Where to??"
While I thought I had been clear with that, the email is a reminder that perhaps I had not been so clear.
So, let me be clear. You are creating a new path... building a path... to WE. This is the deep and profound understanding that you and your spouse are becoming a unit, a team. A WE. As in, "We are in this together," "We are a team," "We stand together through thick and thin."
But, since I want to be super-clear about this, I thought I would do a deep-dive in this episode of my podcast.
You can listen below.
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It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”
Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.
Are they opposites?
One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.
Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.
And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.
Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.
(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)
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What is Space?
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VIP Program -
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.
This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.
But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!
Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.
In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.
Listen in below.
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Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.
Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.
Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….
It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.
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Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!
Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it!
One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way.
And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back.
Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there! Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt.
I get that. I understand it.
And I want to make sure you understand it, too. So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).
RELATED RESOURCE:
The Marriage Experiment Training
The Save The Marriage System
The Video of This Training
Episode on Hope and Hopelessness -
For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy.
How do I know?
Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.
Why?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy.
Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession. I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago. But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession.
So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy.
Just so you know....
Listen below.
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Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy
What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You
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Save The Marriage System -
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?
Not so fast.
Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.
So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.
Listen below.
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Save The Marriage System -
On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't."
I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer.
Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice.
You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word. For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love." And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow."
There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't." But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't."
So, I will take it further. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts." One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through.
If you find yourself saying, "I can't save my marriage," or "I can't change," or "I can't see a way," you may want to take a listen. You may be stuck in a "can't" that isn't.
Listen below!
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The Certainty Trap Episode
Stuck In Negativity Episode
The Connection Compass Articles
The Save The Marriage System - Show more
