Episodes
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Claudia Black, author of Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens, joins us to discuss emotional literacy, the power of community in recovery, and how parents can break enabling patterns to support their teens' journey to sobriety.
Adolescence is a turbulent time, with teens often encountering overwhelming emotions and difficult life choices. For some, substances like alcohol and drugs become a crutch, a misguided attempt to handle the tumultuous world around them. The complexities of addiction at such a young age can be particularly daunting, both for the teens embroiled in substance use and for the parents striving to help them find their way out.
The challenges of navigating a teen’s journey from substance use to recovery are multifaceted. At its core, successful recovery involves unraveling the emotions that drive the behavior. Why do teens choose substances? Often it’s a matter of emotional choice; they're seeking belonging, escape from pain, or the comfort of numbness. When parents step back, they might find they are inadvertently enabling these escape routes, rather than challenging their teen to face and manage the real issues.
Enter Claudia Black, a seasoned expert in adolescent and family recovery. With a career spanning 45 years in residential treatment and pioneering research on children from addictive family systems, Claudia is the author of Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens. Her book serves as a workbook, filled with exercises that encourage self-discovery and emotional engagement, paving the way for a clean and fulfilling life.
Discovering Emotional Literacy
Underpinning Claudia's approach is the concept of emotional literacy – understanding and processing emotions without resorting to substances. Adolescents often harbor significant shame and secrecy surrounding their behavior, fearing disappointment from their parents. Claudia emphasizes addressing these emotions constructively to cultivate self-worth and align with personal values, a theme we explore in-depth on today’s show.
To guide teens through this emotionally-charged landscape, Claudia's exercises encourage them to identify and acknowledge their feelings, breaking down the barriers of shame and secrecy. She introduces techniques for teens to manage their emotions without resorting to substance use—empowering them to transform behavioral patterns fundamentally.
Building a Supportive Community
Essential to recovering from substance use is community. Claudia shares insights on how communal experiences in recovery settings, where young people can meet peers facing similar challenges, help instill a belief that life can indeed be different—and better. These powerful connections often motivate teens to embrace change and build healthier lifestyles.
Parental Involvement and Education
Parents play a crucial role in their child's recovery journey. Claudia discusses how parents must adopt new strategies, aligning their support with the therapist's guidance and confronting enabling behaviors. Understanding addiction’s impact on the brain, recognizing patterns, and utilizing leverage without resorting to fear-based tactics are keys to breaking destructive cycles and fostering genuine change.
Unmasking the True Self
In her book, Claudia also details how to unmask those secretive layers that often accompany addiction. By discerning the underlying emotions and addressing the shame associated with secrets, teens can learn to navigate life more transparently and authentically, resulting in long-term recovery.
In the Episode...
Throughout our discussion, Claudia provides a wealth of knowledge for parents and teens alike. She highlights:
Methods for teens to connect with their emotions safelyStrategies for parents to support recovery without enablingThe importance of aligning parental roles and understanding individual dynamicsInsights into breaking generational cycles of addictionIf you're confronting the challenges of teen substance use, this conversation offers vital guidance. To learn more about Claudia's work, check out Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens on Amazon, or visit her website at claudiablack.com. Thanks for tuning in—don’t forget to subscribe and share!
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Paul C. Holinger, author of Affects, Cognition, and Language as Foundations of Human Development, delves into the role of interest in building self-esteem, the dangers of physical punishment, and strategies for fostering curiosity in teenagers.
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Full Show Notes:
Raising a teenager often feels like navigating a maze of emotions and varying interests, where ensuring their well-being and fostering self-esteem can be challenging. Teens are at a pivotal stage in their lives where they form their own identities, learn to manage emotions, and develop a sense of curiosity that fuels their passions and purpose for the future. However, societal pressures and the stresses of everyday life can often suppress their natural interest and exploration. As parents, teachers, or guardians, it's crucial to nurture these aspects, enabling teens to thrive.
Our guest this week, Paul C. Holinger, is a professor of psychiatry and a renowned author known for his work on emotion understanding and development in children. His book, Affects, Cognition, and Language as Foundations of Human Development, provides a foundation for understanding how integral elements like emotion, language, and thought processes contribute to human development. In our conversation, Paul delves deep into the significance of 'affect'—essentially our emotional responses—and how understanding and verbalizing these emotions can aid in building a more robust personal identity in teens.
In the episode, Paul outlines the importance of distinguishing positive and negative affects in teenagers and explains why negative feelings, although more abundant, often demand urgent attention. He shares insights on how parents can shift negative affects into learning opportunities through open communication, transforming anger or distress into a lens of curiosity. Instead of suppressing emotions with physical punishment, Paul advocates for understanding the root cause of emotions, promoting a healthy dialogue that can drastically improve parent-child relationships.
One of the significant areas of our discussion focuses on the impact of using physical punishment as a means of discipline. Paul highlights a disturbing correlation between physical punishment and negative outcomes like antisocial behavior, decreased self-control, and detrimental impacts on mental health. This revelation challenges the preconceived notion that stricter discipline equates to better-behaved children. Instead, Paul encourages parents to adopt an approach steeped in understanding, empathy, and most importantly, curiosity.
The conversation further explores how teens can be encouraged to maintain motivation and interest, especially when faced with arduous tasks like studying or project completion. Paul shares that cultivating a sense of genuine interest or aligning tasks with rewarding outcomes can help teens navigate through negativity, finding joy in both the process and the result.
In this Episode, We'll Also Cover:
How to recognize and validate a teen's emotional experiences.The nuances of interest as a tool to combat distress and boredom.Constructive alternatives to physical punishment.Encouraging teens to verbalize emotions effectively.Join us in unraveling these aspects with Paul C. Holinger, and learn how you can better support the emotional and intellectual journeys of the teens in your life. If you're looking to foster deeper connections and cultivate a nurturing environment for growth, this episode offers invaluable perspectives.
Don’t forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert insights and advice around parenting the teenagers in your life!
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Missing episodes?
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Chadi Nabhan, author of The Cancer Journey, joins us to discuss how parents can talk to their teenagers about cancer, understand the common misconceptions, and best support teens when their peers or family members face a cancer diagnosis.
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Full Show NotesCancer is a challenging topic for families to discuss, especially when teenagers are involved. The fear, confusion, and misinformation surrounding cancer can make these conversations even more daunting. At some point, your teen might encounter a peer, teacher, or friend's family dealing with a cancer journey, and knowing how to communicate effectively about this sensitive subject is crucial. Parents often grapple with questions: how much should we tell our teens? How do we prepare our teenagers to engage with peers facing cancer in their families?
To shed light on these difficult yet essential conversations, we’re joined by Dr. Chadi Nabhan, a hematologist and medical oncologist, experienced in both patient care and cancer education. As the author of The Cancer Journey and host of the Healthcare Unfiltered podcast, Chadi discusses his approach to making complex medical topics accessible to a broad audience. His career focus on simplifying cancer information makes him the perfect guest for untangling this potentially overwhelming subject.
In this episode, we delve into common misconceptions about cancer, such as the belief that cancer is primarily hereditary, and how these misunderstandings can impact conversations with teens. Chadi explains that while genes can play a role, many cancers develop without a family history, leaving individuals puzzled by their diagnoses. We explore the idea of cancer as a broad collection of diseases, each with unique characteristics and treatment paths. This distinction is vital when discussing potential impacts and prognoses with teens who may face generalizations about cancer prognosis.
Communicating Effectively and Respectfully
Dr. Nabhan shares insights on preparing teenagers to have compassionate conversations when a peer or their family members are facing cancer. He emphasizes the importance of not dismissing the severity of a cancer diagnosis, while also being respectful of personal boundaries regarding how much information others are willing to share. Teenagers should be encouraged to ask respectful questions and offer support without pressure, perhaps by simply being present or asking, “How can I help?”
Furthermore, Chadi offers advice for parents going through their own cancer journey. He stresses the importance of timing and transparency in sharing a diagnosis with teens, noting when it might be best to wait before fully disclosing details, to gather complete information first. Parents can involve teens in medical appointments or calls to doctors, fostering involvement and understanding and providing a foundation for open communication.
Empowering Teens with Knowledge and Compassion
Educating teens about preventable cancers linked to viruses, like HPV, and the importance of vaccines as preventive measures are also highlighted in the discussion. Understanding these factors can empower teens with the knowledge to make informed health decisions and support their friends thoughtfully.
By providing teens with the facts, helping them decode medical jargon, and encouraging empathy, parents can foster more meaningful and less fear-driven interactions surrounding cancer.
Further Exploration in the Episode...
Beyond the topics mentioned, the episode also covers:
The role of targeted therapies and research advancements.How teens can cope with anxiety when they hear about cancer diagnoses in the news or through friends.Effective strategies for families to maintain open communication channels about tough topics.Don’t miss this insightful episode, and remember to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on navigating the teenage years.
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J.D. Kinimaka, author of "The Competitive Spirit," explains how parents can develop a competitive attitude in their teens, emphasizing mental toughness, resilience, and the benefits of failure.
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Full Show Notes
Parenting teens often means navigating their desire for independence while encouraging personal growth. One way we aim to prepare our teens for life's challenges is through fostering a competitive spirit—not solely for the sake of winning, but to build resilience and persistence. In a world filled with pressures and high expectations, teaching teens to push through adversity can be crucial for their future success.
While many of us want our teens to "do their best," J.D. Kinimaka challenges us to go deeper. A long-time athletic coach and father of star athletes, J.D. asserts that settling for "good enough" can lead to complacency. Instead, he believes that instilling a drive to be the best can prepare teens for life's broader challenges. He joins us this week to discuss his beliefs about sports, competition, and why a strong competitive nature can prepare teens not just to meet, but to surpass life's demands.
In our interview, J.D. emphasizes the importance of mental preparation, alongside physical training, as key to nurturing competitive spirit. He explains how encouraging teens to engage in mental reps—visualizing their approach and execution—develops discipline and attention to detail, skills applicable far beyond athletics. J.D. clarifies the controversial idea that chasing wins is about more than just the scoreboard; it's about teaching perseverance and strategic thinking.
Shifting the Perspective on Winning
J.D. explains that focusing solely on effort and participation, while well-intentioned, can inadvertently set limits on a teen's belief in their potential. Instead of just praising them for trying, he suggests encouraging them to analyze what winners do differently. This isn't about casting judgment but fostering a growth mindset that challenges teens to continually assess and improve their strategies in any area of life, from academics to social interactions.
J.D. discusses how experiences from sports translate into lifelong lessons. Teens learn to confront failure, recalibrate their approaches, and work steadily towards improvement. By working through challenges rather than avoiding them, teens develop the discipline to push harder and achieve more than they might have believed possible.
Finding Motivation Within
When it comes to motivation, J.D. dismisses the Hollywood notion of miraculous pep talks. He insists that genuine enthusiasm for improvement must come from within. While external prompts can stir short-term action, understanding one's weaknesses and setting personal goals result in sustained effort and resilience. J.D. shares strategies for inspiring intrinsic motivation, emphasizing the need for parents and coaches to help teens identify their inner drive and channel it productively.
He shares anecdotes from his coaching experiences, outlining real-life applications of competition lessons, how he deals with teens struggling with self-doubt, and ways he helps them translate past failures into motivation for future endeavors. Through open discussions and constructive feedback, J.D. illustrates how nurturing a competitive spirit ultimately empowers teens to face any of life's arenas with determination and confidence.
Teaching Resiliency Through Loss
J.D. speaks about how setbacks and losses should be viewed not as failures, but as opportunities to learn and grow. He explains his philosophy: when a teen walks away from a disappointing performance, the critical message parents and coaches should convey is that "nobody cares" beyond the lesson one takes from the experience. This liberates teens from insecurities about others' judgments and refocuses their energy on self-improvement.
His insights extend beyond physical competitions, advocating that parents apply these principles in everyday life, enabling teens to develop the confidence to overcome both real and perceived obstacles with a resilient and competitive spirit.
In the Episode…
We cover these topics and more in my conversation with J.D. On top of the insights shared above, we also discuss:
How mental reps differ from physical practice Building discipline through attention to detailRecognizing and responding to red flags in teen behavior The balance between support and independence as a parentJoin us for a thought-provoking discussion on how to raise resilient, competitive teens ready to tackle life's challenges. Don’t forget to share and subscribe for more insights from leading parenting experts.
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Dr. Sophie Mort, author of "Unstuck," provides insights into breaking negative habits, understanding teen decision-making, and reshaping the narratives surrounding adolescence to better support teens' growth and self-esteem.
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Full Show Notes
Navigating teenage years is often associated with challenging habits and evolving identities—both for teens and their parents. Adolescence brings about a series of complex transitions, raising questions about how to best guide teenagers through this dynamic chapter of their lives. While society often spells out dire warnings about the teenage years, effective communication and understanding can pave the way for smoother family dynamics and healthier growth patterns.
Many of us grapple with forming or breaking habits—whether it's a teen procrastinating on homework or a parent reacting emotionally in family disagreements. Often, these habits tether us to familiar yet unproductive routines. Dr. Sophie Mort sheds light on how these patterns form and evolve, making it clear that a blend of thought, tailored interventions, and empathy can recalibrate our responses.
Dr. Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and the mental health expert at Headspace, joins us this week. She's not only the author of "A Manual for Being Human" but also the critically acclaimed book "Unstuck," a guide about breaking free from negative habits. Together, we dissect the nature of habits, explore the age-old debate of 'good' versus 'bad' habits, and delve into the societal and familial factors that magnetize our actions. Sophie eloquently clarifies that a habit's alignment with personal values and aspirations should define its nature—not arbitrary societal judgments.
Understanding Teen Habits and Values
Sophie's approach encourages parents to redefine how they view their teens’ habits, emphasizing alignment with personal values over rigid categorizations of good or bad. The discussion evolves into how to foster dialogue that prioritizes a teen's perspective and desires for their future—tools that empower both personal development and improved family relations.
Decision-Making Amidst Anxiety
The journey into adolescence amplifies the need for navigational skills in decision-making. We explore when it's appropriate for teens to rely on their gut and when they should delve into deeper analysis. Sophie points out the nuanced relationship between anxiety and gut instincts, highlighting how fostering mindfulness can enhance informed decision-making.
The Drama Triangle: Reshaping Family Dynamics
Family conflicts often play out in predictable roles labeled by the drama triangle: victim, persecutor, rescuer. These roles, if left unchecked, forge cyclical conflicts that simmer over time. Sophie shines a light on these recurring dynamics, providing strategies to break free from these patterns and reposition family members into more empowering roles.
Resisting Stereotype Pressures
Teen identity is frequently influenced by deeply ingrained societal stereotypes, often resulting in pigeonholed expectations. We explore stereotype embodiment and its impact on teenage behaviors and self-image. Sophie’s insights into fostering media literacy encourage teens to critically evaluate the narratives they consume, aiding them in constructing resilient self-concepts.
Confidence Vs. Self-Esteem
Lastly, distinguishing between confidence and self-esteem becomes vital in nurturing overall well-being. Understanding these differences helps parents support their teens in cultivating a robust sense of self-worth that transcends external accolades and societal pressures.
In the Episode…
Alongside these themes, Sophie and I delve into:
The benefits of mindful decision-makingEmpowering teens to define their identity beyond stereotypesTechniques to engage teens in constructive, future-oriented dialoguesMethods for parents to model authentic imperfectionThis episode is a journey into fostering environments where both teens and parents grow beyond habitual ruts towards more authentic lives. Tune in for an enriching discussion packed with actionable insights, and subscribe to ensure you never miss out on empowering content!
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Nate Hilger, author of The Parent Trap, explores the complex expectations placed on parents, the importance of skill-building over mere test scores, and how societal changes could improve outcomes for all children, including shifts away from zero-sum thinking in education.
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Full Show Notes
Parenting in the modern world can often feel like an insurmountable challenge, compounded by pressures to not only care for our children but also groom them into successful, independent adults. The journey to nurturing well-rounded human beings involves an intricate web of skills that many parents are unaware they're even supposed to be weaving. Love and care are crucial, but they alone do not provide the full spectrum of skills teens need to flourish in the world.
Enter Nate Hilger, an economist and data scientist whose insights have graced the pages of The New York Times and The Washington Post. His pioneering work focuses on the origins of success in children and highlights how parents can better navigate the landscape of skill-building. In his enlightening book, The Parent Trap, Nate challenges conventional ideals of what it means to parent effectively. He's joining us this week to delve into how society’s expectations of parents are often both unrealistic and misaligned with actual child development.
The Parenting Trap Uncovered
Nate identifies three primary manifestations of the "parent trap": unrealistic expectations, a lack of language to describe these expectations without blame, and the political underrepresentation of parents. He contends that society places an undue burden on parents, expecting them to be both nurturers and skilled educators without the necessary support. This disproportionate pressure often results in a cycle where lower-income parents, despite their deep love for their children, cannot provide the same developmental advantages as wealthier parents.
The book draws on historical insights, such as studies from the mid-20th century where better early learning environments significantly bolstered long-term outcomes for children, underscoring the immense power of environment over innate ability. Nate argues for a societal shift to focus on skill-building, a universal challenge often misguidedly associated with parental 'failures.'
Rethinking Zero-Sum Parenting
Among the important revelations Nate shares is the myth of zero-sum parenting—the idea that one child's success equates to another's failure. This notion fuels hyper-competitive behaviors and focus on elite university admissions, wrongly overshadowing the more expansive benefits of creating successful and healthy communities. Nate suggests that a collaborative approach in raising competent, capable youth benefits everyone—an uplifting shift away from isolating views about limited resources and opportunities.
Improving Education Outcomes
Highlighting groundbreaking research with renowned economist Raj Chetty, Nate reveals how the quality of early educational experiences, such as kindergarten teaching, has long-lasting impacts on a child's financial success. Innovations like smaller classroom sizes and teacher effectiveness often yield returns many parents don’t fully realize and should advocate for more universally. Unfortunately, income alone does not resolve the disparities in access to quality educational resources.
Investing in Professional Development
Rather than saddling parents with the impossible task of mastering every skill their child might need, Nate proposes broader access to professional resources. He discusses what he learned from attending courses designed for struggling parents, arguing that while these programs can offer valuable insights, they often overwhelm rather than assist, emphasizing that professional support for children's development is critical.
In the Episode...
Nate presents a compelling argument for rethinking societal and parental roles in education. We also discuss:
How blended family environments affect outcomesThe ongoing debate about the role of parent trainingThe role of income in college decisionsWhy kids’ long-term success hinges on more than just moneyNate's insights challenge fundamental assumptions about parenting while offering practical solutions to improve the social landscape for nurturing successful generations. To learn more, keep an eye out for Nate's Substack, "Kidding Around," where he continues to explore these pivotal ideas. If you found this discussion impactful, make sure to subscribe and follow along for more episodes tackling the art and science of parenting teenagers.
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Sean Grover, author of Shortcuts to a Happier Life, dives into the psychology behind teenage behaviors and how group therapy can significantly aid in their personal growth, offering insights into handling teen anger, breaking toxic patterns, and understanding parental roles in teen development.
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Full Show Notes
Raising teenagers can sometimes feel akin to navigating an emotional rollercoaster; the highs are exhilarating, yet the lows can leave us questioning everything we thought we knew about being a parent. At times, we may unintentionally become an obstacle to our children's growth rather than a catalyst for their development. When teens repeatedly find themselves stuck or struggling, it might be the environment—including our own behaviors—that's keeping them from forging a path forward.
Our guest this week, Sean Grover, a seasoned therapist and author of multiple books including "Shortcuts to a Happier Life," brings an illuminating perspective on how adolescents navigate their formative years. As an advocate for group therapy, Sean explains how it stands out as the most effective method for helping teenagers, with studies showing it to be 73% more effective compared to other therapies. Adolescents thrive when they have a community; group therapy provides a unique space where teens can relate, share, and learn from each other’s experiences, fostering personal growth.
The Power of Group Therapy
Adolescents naturally form groups as they search for their place in the world. Yet, not enough therapists focus on group work for teens due to its rowdy, sometimes chaotic nature. Sean discusses how group therapy can help teens identify and articulate their feelings by observing peers in similar situations. This peer interaction demystifies their perceived unique struggles, allowing them the emotional freedom to grow without the isolation that individual therapy may bring.
Feeling physical pain or discomfort may often indicate emotional unrest among teenagers. Sean highlights how psychological struggles can manifest as physical symptoms in teens who might not have the vocabulary to express their distress. Encountering such signs should prompt consideration of underlying emotional issues.
Balancing Expectations and Growth
Sean speaks candidly about the importance of setting realistic dreams with teens. Encouragement is vital, but so is cautioning against creating pressure through high expectations. Praising teens with broad superlatives like "you're so smart" might hinder their motivation, as the fear of failure becomes daunting. Instead, fostering a growth-oriented mindset, where perseverance is emphasized over perfect outcomes, empowers teens to navigate life's inevitable roadblocks and adjust their paths as needed.
Recognizing Parent Burnout
Parental burnout doesn't receive the attention it deserves. The strains of parenting often result in exhaustion, irritability, and strained relationships. Sean shares personal stories and effective strategies for managing these stresses, emphasizing the importance of self-care and maintaining a healthy partnership with the other parent to ensure a balanced home environment.
Addressing Anger and Toxic Patterns
Sean challenges parents to self-reflect before labeling their children with anger issues. Oftentimes, children reflect the negative emotions they see in us. Our task is to break toxic cycles by being aware of our behaviors, and understanding what might be behind a teenager's outburst—feelings of shame, hurt, or isolation.
In the Episode…
There's much more to discover in this insightful episode with Sean Grover. We also discuss:
How group therapy normalizes adolescent emotionsThe role of physical activities in managing teen anxietySpotting and addressing toxic caretakingHelping teens navigate peer pressure and find mentorsBreaking free from toxic relationships and mindsetsTo explore Sean's profound insights further, make sure to grab a copy of "Shortcuts to a Happier Life." If you found this conversation enlightening, consider subscribing and sharing this podcast with others tuning into the evolving journey of raising teenagers.
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Dr. Matthew Zakreski, author of The Neurodivergent Playbook, joins us to discuss the unique challenges of raising gifted and twice exceptional teens, emphasizing social-emotional learning, handling failures, and fostering authentic connections.
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Full Show Notes
Raising a gifted or exceptionally intelligent teenager sounds like a dream come true. However, studies reveal that when teens exhibit extraordinary abilities in one area, they often face challenges in other aspects of their lives. Managing these disparities while ensuring your child thrives remains an intricate part of parenting that requires careful strategy and understanding.
Our guest for this episode, Dr. Matthew Zakreski, brings invaluable insights into this balancing act. As a clinical psychologist specializing in neurodivergent children and teens, and the author of The Neurodivergent Playbook, Matthew has both personal and professional experience in dealing with giftedness and twice exceptionality. Identified as a gifted child himself, Matthew understands the highs and lows that come with high intelligence paired with conditions like ADHD—an understanding he now incorporates into his work with neurodivergent teens.
In the episode, Matthew and I delve into how parents can nurture the potential of their teens while addressing their struggles. We discuss the phenomenon of skill transfer and how balancing advanced abilities with areas where teens might lag can be challenging but manageable with the right approach. Matthew emphasizes fostering a deeper understanding of neurodivergence, granting children the permission to embrace their uniqueness.
Social-Emotional Learning and Authentic Connections
One of the poignant topics discussed is the concept of social-emotional learning (SEL). Matthew notes that while it might seem natural for all teens to navigate social interactions, gifted children often miss out on learning important social skills because they float through academic challenges without needing these coping strategies. Educating kids on these skills systematically allows them to develop into more autonomous and socially-aware individuals, ready to face the tumultuous teen years with resilience.
Authenticity plays a crucial role in these interactions. Teens often crave genuine connections, and as parents, showing your true self can help bridge any perceived gaps. Sharing personal stories, initiating honest conversations, and validating their experiences can significantly impact their social development.
Handling Failures and Building Resilience
Failure is inevitable, but it is also an essential part of growth. Matthew shares insightful anecdotes about allowing teens to experience failures and learn from them. The key is finding the balance between guiding them through their mistakes and letting them navigate their challenges. This includes understanding what it means to fail and planning how to respond when things don't go as planned. Providing a supportive environment where teens know they are not alone in their struggles can help mitigate the emotional fallout from failure.
Matthew's approach involves recognizing replacement language teens might use to mask their true feelings. Phrases like “I hate school” or “Everyone hates me” often conceal more profound emotional states. By addressing the feelings behind these statements, parents can better support their teens through their emotional upheavals.
The Power of Pro-social Behavior
Matthew sheds light on the importance of teaching teens pro-social behaviors—balancing their needs with the needs of others without leaning too far towards selflessness or selfishness. Real-world scenarios like navigating peer pressure, handling social dynamics, or making ethical decisions at parties highlight the need for such skills. Encouraging mutual respect and understanding can significantly improve teens' social interactions and emotional well-being.
Additional Insights in the Episode
How living authentically connects to social developmentThe concept of 'body doubling' as a motivational toolStrategies for motivating bored and disengaged teensThe balance between embracing passions and managing practical responsibilitiesBy implementing strategies that enhance social-emotional learning, encourage handling failures gracefully, and foster authentic connections, we can better support our neurodivergent teens in navigating their unique journeys.
If you loved this conversation and want more from Matthew Zakreski, be sure to check out his book, The Neurodivergent Playbook, which offers a treasure trove of advice, stories, and research tailored for parents of neurodivergent teens. Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and tune in to our podcast for more insightful episodes!
Learn more about Matthew’s work at the Neurodiversity Collective or follow his speaking engagements at drmattzakreski.com.
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Charlotte Markey, author of Adultish, joins us to discuss teen body image and well-being, sharing research-based strategies for fostering body gratitude and combating diet culture.
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Full Show Notes
As a parent, you want your teen to feel confident, secure, and comfortable in their own skin. However, in today’s image-conscious society, this is no easy feat. From advertisements filled with unrealistic standards to the pressures of social media, teens face significant challenges that can negatively impact their body image and overall mental health.
Even the most well-meaning parents can inadvertently contribute to their teens' body image issues. The messages we send through our own actions and words can sometimes do more harm than good. Understanding these subtleties is crucial for promoting a healthier self-view in our teenagers.
Today, we’re diving into the science behind teen body image with Dr. Charlotte Markey, an expert in body image, eating behaviors, and weight management for over 25 years, and author of four books, including the latest, "Adultish: The Body Image Book for Life." Charlotte is here to provide valuable insights into how body image develops during the transition to adulthood and shares practical advice on how parents can guide their teens through this vulnerable period.
The Power of Body Gratitude
One of the fundamental strategies Charlotte emphasizes is practicing body gratitude and appreciation. Rather than focusing on our perceived flaws, we should highlight the aspects of our bodies that we like or appreciate. Charlotte discusses the importance of reversing the negative internal narratives that many of us - and our children - have internalized over the years.
By fostering a culture at home where positive body talk is normalized, parents can help their teens develop a more affirmative and appreciative relationship with their bodies. She shares simple, research-backed exercises that parents and teens can do together to promote body gratitude, which can have immediate positive effects on body image and general well-being.
Battling Diet Culture
Diet culture is pervasive and often sends harmful messages about body image and self-worth. Charlotte takes a firm stand against these messages, arguing that most popular dieting methods are not only ineffective but can also be harmful. Instead, she advocates for intuitive eating - a philosophy that encourages individuals to listen to their body’s hunger and fullness cues and to eat in a way that feels natural and satisfying.
She breaks down ways parents can combat diet culture at home by modeling intuitive eating and creating a positive food environment that doesn’t demonize certain foods or glorify others. Charlotte also gives pointers on how to talk to your teens about diet culture critically, helping them recognize and resist its harmful influences.
Social Media and Body Image
Social media can be a double-edged sword. While it offers incredible connectivity, it also exposes teens to continuous comparisons and unrealistic body standards. Charlotte elaborates on research showing the negative impacts of social media on teen body image and mental health, and she offers practical advice for mitigating these effects.
She suggests having open, critical discussions about the content teens interact with on social platforms, encouraging them to follow positive and inspiring profiles while unfollowing those that focus on unrealistic beauty standards. Limiting daily social media use can also lead to significant improvements in mental health and reduce anxiety and FOMO (fear of missing out).
Fostering Resilient Body Image
Parents play a pivotal role in shaping their teens’ body image and self-esteem. Charlotte discusses the importance of open communication and creating a home environment where body positivity and self-acceptance are the norms. She shares tips on how parents can better support their teens by offering non-judgmental spaces for discussion and by validating their feelings and experiences.
In the Episode...
Listening to this episode will equip you with effective strategies for promoting a healthier body image in your teens. You'll learn about:
The role of body gratitude in improving self-imageCombating diet culture and promoting intuitive eatingThe impact of social media on teen body imageDeveloping a supportive home environment for positive body imageIdentifying maladaptive appearance investmentsTeaching teens how to support peers struggling with body image issuesThis conversation with Charlotte is an enlightening look into the science behind teen body image and how parents can make a significant positive impact. For more insights, follow Charlotte on Instagram and TikTok at @char_markey. Don't forget to share and subscribe to Talking to Teens to catch all our upcoming episodes.
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Nicole Cain, author of Panic Proof, discusses how anxiety can be a helpful messenger and shares holistic approaches parents can use to help their teens understand and manage anxiety and panic attacks.
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Full Show Notes
As parents, watching our teens struggle with anxiety can be heartbreaking. Our instinct is often to help them alleviate the discomfort or make their anxiety stop. But what if the anxiety isn’t just an obstacle to overcome, but also a clue? By understanding and interpreting anxiety, we can address its root causes and help our teens find lasting wellness.
This week, we’re diving into a revolutionary way of thinking about anxiety and panic attacks with Dr. Nicole Cain, a pioneer in integrative approaches for mental and emotional wellness. Nicole is the founder of the Holistic Wellness Collective and the author of Panic Proof. She aims to show us how anxiety can be seen as a helpful messenger rather than just a disrupter.
A Paradigm Shift on Anxiety
Nicole’s journey began with her own struggles with anxiety and observing anxiety in her loved ones. Traditional messages suggested that anxiety was a life sentence, often treated with medications that did more harm than good. Nicole set out to challenge this narrative, exploring how anxiety could actually be understood and managed holistically.
One of the key takeaways from Nicole's research is that anxiety is not simply a condition to be eradicated but rather a signal from the body that something is out of balance. By understanding these signals, we can address the underlying issues instead of just managing the symptoms.
Four Steps to Managing Anxiety
Nicole breaks down her approach into four actionable steps, making it accessible for parents and teens alike.
Calm the Nervous System: Using practical tools like the panic pack, which can include fidgets or chemical freezer packs, teens can learn to soothe their immediate physical responses to anxiety. This step takes them out of a high-stress state and prepares them for deeper reflection.Onboard the Logical Brain: Once the immediate panic has subsided, reinforcing logical thinking becomes essential. Brain games and educational activities about mental health can strengthen the connection between the body and logical brain, enabling teens to process their feelings more effectively.Integrate Back into the Body: By practicing interoception and developing awareness of their bodily sensations, teens can start to notice patterns and triggers in their anxiety. This step involves becoming familiar with how their body responds to different stimuli, fostering a sense of control and understanding.Reprogram the Nervous System: This involves systematic desensitization or exposure therapy, where teens are gradually exposed to anxiety-provoking situations in a controlled manner. This step aims to expand their comfort zones and empower them to face their fears head-on.Recognizing Different Types of Anxiety
Nicole has identified nine distinct types of anxiety, each presenting differently in the body. From gut anxiety showing up as digestive issues to chest anxiety marked by heart palpitations, recognizing these variations allows for more targeted interventions. Parents can use these insights to identify which type of anxiety their teen may be experiencing and find tailored strategies for relief.
Environmental Factors and Holistic Treatments
Environmental factors such as diet, mold in the home, and even parental anxiety can influence a teen's anxiety levels. Nicole stresses the importance of a balanced diet rich in fiber and nutrients to support gut health and overall mental wellness. Additionally, addressing external factors like a cluttered home or noisy environment can significantly improve a teen’s mental state.
In the Episode…
Beyond the steps and types, Nicole shares insights on:
The role of the gut-brain axis in anxietyHow interoception can provide early warning signsThe importance of creating a supportive home environmentPractical ways to incorporate holistic treatments into daily lifeIf you’re curious about further resources and tools, you can find them in Nicole’s book, Panic Proof, and on her website. For ongoing tips and community support, follow her on Instagram @drnicolecain.
Listen to this episode to transform how you and your teen approach anxiety. Don’t forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for future episodes with more experts and their insights!
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Dr. Abbie Marono, author of Work in Progress, joins us to explore the science of true empowerment and resilience. We discuss how parents can help teens handle shame healthily, build resilience, and develop a realistic sense of self-worth.
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Full Show Notes
Empowerment is a term we often throw around, imagining it means feeling good about ourselves no matter what, or disregarding others’ opinions entirely. But the truth about empowerment is much deeper–and sometimes even a little messy. For teens facing pressures from all sides, understanding and practicing true empowerment is essential for long-term resilience and self-growth.
In this episode, we’re exploring how parents can really foster genuine empowerment in their teenagers. It’s not about ensuring teens never feel bad but about teaching them to build resilience by properly processing difficult emotions such as shame. Our guest, Dr. Abbie Marono, a renowned psychologist and speaker, delves into these concepts in her book, Work in Progress.
Recognizing and Embracing Shame
Shame often gets a bad rap–it’s something we’re inclined to avoid or suppress. However, as Abbie explains, shame is not inherently bad. It’s a signal from our brain indicating that something about our actions or behaviors isn’t aligning with our values or self-image. By understanding and addressing this emotion, we can actually move closer to empowerment, rather than hiding from ourselves.
In our conversation, Abbie debunks the myth that empowerment is the absence of negative emotions or the armor that deflects all criticism. Instead, true empowerment comes from accepting our flaws and using our emotions as a guide for self-improvement. We explore how parents can observe their teens for signs of emotion suppression or escapism and gently guide them towards healthier coping strategies.
Resilience Through Emotional Awareness
Helping teens navigate their feelings and emotions is crucial, but understanding how to do this effectively can be challenging. Abbie introduces us to the concept of interoception–being in tune with our bodily sensations–and how this awareness can actually support better emotional regulation. For teens, learning to acknowledge their emotions without being overwhelmed by them is a key step towards building resilience and maintaining mental health.
We also discuss the pressing issue of helping teens handle the emotional toll of striving for success. Abbie highlights the importance of setting goals without tying our self-worth to them and provides insights on how to coach teens through this nuanced process. Teaching teens to focus on personal growth, rather than chasing an unattainable ideal of perfection, can cultivate a healthier, more sustainable mindset.
Creating A Supportive Environment
One of the most critical aspects of fostering genuine empowerment in teens is creating an open, supportive home environment where emotions are discussed openly and honestly. Abbie encourages parents to model emotional awareness by talking about their own feelings and handling life's stresses transparently. This, in turn, offers teens a blueprint for their own emotional expression and resilience.
We also touch on the role of teachers, mentors, and other important figures in a teen’s life. If a teen lacks a supportive home environment, these other adults can step in to provide a sense of security and guidance. Abbie shares her own experiences of relying on a supportive teacher during her tumultuous teenage years and how that shaped her path to psychological resilience and her eventual career.
In the Episode...
In addition to the topics discussed above, Abbie and I cover:
The real definition of empowermentHow perfectionism sabotages true resilienceWhy escapist behaviors can signal deeper issuesTechniques to help teens process and accept their emotionsIf you want to learn more about fostering genuine empowerment and resilience in your teen, you won’t want to miss this episode. For more from Dr. Abbie Marono, you can find her book, Work in Progress, The Road to Empowerment, the Journey Through Shame, and follow her on Instagram at @drAbbieofficial or visit her website at Abbiemarono.com. Tune in and don't forget to subscribe for more insights on parenting teens.
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Amy Betters-Midtvedt, author of You'll Make It, and They Will Too, joins us to share her experience raising five teenagers and offers practical advice on effective communication, handling dating and social media, and fostering mental health and responsibility.
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Full Show Notes
Parenting teens can often feel like navigating a minefield, fraught with miscommunications, emotional upheavals, and a constant barrage of new challenges. Many parents find themselves at a loss, longing for the days when their greatest worry was whether their child would eat their vegetables or play nicely with others. When it comes to teenagers, the stakes often feel much higher, and the navigation significantly murkier.
How do you maintain open lines of communication with your teen? What should you do when they break the rules or need direction? How can you help them deal with the pressures of social media, or the heartbreak of their first serious relationship?
We’re joined this week by Amy Betters-Midtvedt, an author and seasoned parent who knows these challenges all too well. Amy is the author of the new book, You'll Make It, and They Will Too: Everything No One Talks About When You're Parenting Teens. With five teenagers of her own, Amy has seen and experienced the multitudes of teenage tribulations and triumphs. Her engaging narratives and insightful advice have garnered her over a million readers and appearances in publications like HuffPost and Parents Magazine.
The Inspiration Behind the Book
Amy reveals that the idea for her book came from personal moments of loneliness and confusion, wondering if other parents dealt with similar struggles. She highlights that conversations about parenting teens often fall silent, creating isolation for parents. Her goal with the book is to provide guidance and camaraderie, sharing wisdom and commiserative anecdotes in an easily digestible format.
Effective Communication with Teens
One of the standout strategies Amy discusses is the power of noticing and naming positive behaviors. Highlighting what children are doing right can help reinforce those behaviors, whereas constantly pointing out what they’re doing wrong can tear down their self-esteem and create friction. As an educator, Amy understands the profound impact that language can have on shaping a child's self-perception and her approach has been both simple and transformative.
Different Kids, Different Rules
Amy’s experience with five unique children underscores the necessity of individualizing rules and expectations. She compares this to how different injuries require different treatments rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. This strategy is respectful of each child’s individual journey and needs, rather than trying to enforce uniformity. This personal touch helps keep the lines of communication open and reinforces trust within the family.
Handling Dating and Romantic Relationships
When it comes to teenage dating and relationships, Amy underscores the importance of being a supportive, non-judgmental, listening ear. Navigating teenage heartbreak is about empathy and presence, rather than rushing in to solve or fix their problems. She also emphasizes the importance of knowing when professional help is needed for mental health issues, drawing parallels to how we wouldn’t hesitate to seek medical help for a physical injury.
Welcoming the Teen Coming Home from College
A special chapter discusses the unique challenges and joys of welcoming home a college student. Amy talks about managing expectations and understanding that the child who comes back from college may be different from the one who left. Supporting their newfound independence while maintaining house rules requires a delicate balance, but it’s a rewarding experience.
In the Episode…
Amy Betters-Midtvedt shares invaluable advice that any parent of a teen can benefit from:
How to maintain open and effective communication with teensBalancing different rules for different kidsEmpathizing and supporting teens through heartbreakUnderstanding the importance of professional help for mental healthNavigating the dynamics when college kids return homeThis episode is packed with practical tips and heartfelt advice that make it a must-listen for anyone parenting teens. Amy’s experiences and insights offer a reassuring reminder that you’re not alone in the journey and that with understanding and love, you and your teen will indeed make it.
For more of Amy's wisdom and updates, you can follow her on her blog at AmyBettersMidtvedt.com and connect with her on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @AmyBettersMidtvedt.
Tune in to this enlightening episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert advice on navigating the teenage years!
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Ben Orlin, author of Math for English Majors, joins us to share how parents can understand and teach math effectively. We explore how mathematics can be approachable and enjoyable for both parents and teens.
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Full Show Notes
Math can often feel like an insurmountable challenge, especially for parents trying to help their teens with homework. Many parents remember their own struggles with math or may feel unqualified to help, particularly if they excelled in non-numerical subjects like English or history. It’s easy to feel lost when faced with the task of supporting a teen in a subject that stumped us years ago.
However, the world of math doesn’t have to be daunting. Often, the barrier isn't the complexity of the subject itself, but the way it's been traditionally taught. Being able to assist and guide teens through their math-related challenges can create not only better academic outcomes but also strengthen your relationship with them. Shifting the way we understand and approach teaching math can have a tremendous impact on our teens' confidence and capabilities.
This week, we’re diving into how parents can gain the mathematical insight they need to support their teens. We're joined by Ben Orlin, a seasoned math teacher, and author of the popular blog, Math with Bad Drawings. Ben's new book, Math for English Majors, focuses on making math accessible, even for those who have historically found the subject challenging. His unique approach, which includes the use of humorously "bad" drawings to explain mathematical concepts, aims to demystify math and make it more engaging for everyone.
Math and Its Misunderstood Nature
Ben explains how math is often abstract and how its inherent structure can put people off, especially when taught in a rigid, one-size-fits-all classroom. His insights touch on the disconnect many feel when they believe they are "bad at math", and how the educational system's approach often heightens this feeling. He emphasizes the importance of leading with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to explore the subject differently.
Bridging the Gap with Analogies and Language
One of the key strategies Ben discusses is drawing parallels between math and language. Just as language has structure and rules, so does math. By relating mathematical concepts to linguistic structures that are already familiar to many parents and teens, he opens new avenues for understanding. A key idea shared is the notion of thinking of equations not as rigid commands but as dynamic structures that can be "paraphrased" much like sentences in a story.
Games: A Gateway to Mathematical Thinking
Ben also delves into the use of games as a tool for making math more approachable. Games inherently involve strategic thinking and problem-solving, which are core components of mathematical thought. He suggests incorporating board games and puzzles into learning routines to help teens develop a natural comfort with mathematical reasoning without the pressure of formal education settings.
Embracing the 'Bad Drawings' Philosophy
A significant part of Ben's teaching philosophy is embracing imperfection. His "bad drawings" method aims to lower the stakes and create a more inviting atmosphere for learning math. This approach removes intimidation and encourages teens to view mistakes as part of the learning process rather than failures.
In the Episode….
My discussion with Ben Orlin offers valuable insights and practical tips for parents looking to better support their teens in math:
How to use everyday language to explain complex math concepts.The importance of shifting from a right-or-wrong mindset to understanding the process in math.Ways to incorporate games into learning to foster a fun and enriching math environment.Practical examples from Ben’s book and classroom experiences that demonstrate how math can be engaging and accessible.Additionally, Ben shares his broader thoughts on the essential role parents play in shaping their teens' educational experiences.
For listeners interested in further exploring Ben’s methodologies and drawing some inspiration from his lighthearted yet effective approach, you can visit his blog at MathwithBadDrawings.com or follow him on social media platforms like Twitter (@BenOrlin) and Instagram (@MathwithBadDrawings).
Tune in to this episode to revolutionize your approach to teaching math and build a more math-friendly household. Don’t forget to subscribe and share if you found this episode helpful!
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Tovah Klein, author of Raising Resilience, explains how parents can help their teens develop the resilience needed to overcome life’s inevitable setbacks, emphasizing the importance of anchoring, containing emotions, and fostering self-acceptance.
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Full Show Notes
Your teenager is bound to face setbacks. Whether it’s failing a test, missing out on a sports team, or experiencing heartbreak, every teen encounters hurdles. But what differentiates teens who rebound from those who falter? The science of resilience provides some answers.
Resilience isn’t just about bouncing back; it’s about how we cope with adversity, manage stress, and maintain emotional stability amidst challenges. Parents play a pivotal role in helping their teens develop resilience, supporting them through everyday setbacks and larger life crises. Understanding this, we delve into how parents can shape resilient teens who can navigate life's ups and downs.
We’re joined by Dr. Tovah Klein, a psychology professor at Barnard College and author of the new book Raising Resilience: How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty. With extensive background in developmental psychology and firsthand experience from working in New York’s homeless shelters, Tovah offers practical insights for parents striving to build resilience in their children. Her work spans from understanding everyday stressors to handling major life events, providing a comprehensive framework for fostering resilience in teenagers.
Anchors and Containers: Providing Security and Stability
Tovah emphasizes the dual role of parents as both anchors and containers for their teens. Acting as an anchor means providing a consistent, reliable presence that lets teens know they have a safe space to return to. This is crucial as they navigate the world, testing their independence and coping with new challenges.
As containers, parents help manage their teens’ emotional intensity. Adolescence is marked by heightened emotions and volatility, requiring parents to absorb and help regulate these feelings. Tovah explains that parents don’t need to solve every problem but should aim to provide stability and a calming presence.
The Importance of Routines
Routines offer predictability, countering the inherent unpredictability of life. Consistent family routines, like regular dinners or bedtime rituals, provide teens with a secure structure. These routines also help parents notice when things are off—behavioral deviations can signal that something is wrong.
When routines are disrupted, it’s an opportunity for parents to check in, offering support and understanding. Tovah discusses how creating these structured environments allows teens to feel more in control and less overwhelmed by external stressors.
Effective Communication: Listening Over Fixing
One of the key themes in Tovah’s approach is the importance of empathic listening. Teens often express their struggles through behavior rather than words, indicating that something might be wrong through irritability or withdrawal. Instead of trying to fix issues immediately, Tovah advises parents to validate their teen’s feelings and offer a listening ear.
This doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries. Tovah suggests maintaining clear limits but being flexible and understanding about why a teen might be pushing against them. An example from the book involves a scenario where her son snapped at her about laundry, which symbolized larger underlying anxieties. Offering empathy and allowing space for teens to process their feelings can lead to more meaningful resolutions.
Building Self-Acceptance Over Self-Esteem
Tovah differentiates between self-acceptance and self-esteem, noting that unbridled parental enthusiasm for achievements can make teens feel their worth is conditional on success. Instead, parents should encourage self-acceptance—helping teens appreciate who they are, including their imperfections and setbacks.
True resilience involves facing failures and learning from them. Tovah emphasizes the need for teens to sit with their negative emotions, understand where they feel them physically, and process these feelings. This approach helps teens develop inner strength and emotional regulation skills, crucial components of resilience.
In the Episode…
My conversation with Tovah was filled with actionable insights for parents looking to foster resilience in their teenagers. We also cover:
The concept of the “adolescent dilemma” and why it’s significant.Practical methods for helping teens process and manage failures.The distinction between controlling and supporting teens.Building a strong parent-teen relationship through everyday interactions.If you’re interested in raising resilient teens capable of facing life’s adversities, this episode is a must-listen. For more from Tovah Klein, you can visit her website at tovahklein.com or follow her on social media. Don’t forget to subscribe and share our podcast. We’ll see you next week!
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Jo-Ann Finklestein, author of Sexism and Sensibility, joins us to discuss the pervasive nature of unconscious gender biases, how they shape our daughters' lives, and what parents can do to raise empowered, resilient girls.
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Full Show Notes
In our ever-evolving society, we like to believe that we’ve made significant strides in overcoming sexism. Despite our good intentions and progressive outlook, many of us unknowingly carry unconscious biases that we inadvertently pass onto our children. These gender biases can deeply affect our daughters, shaping their self-esteem, their future aspirations, and their interactions in ways we might not fully comprehend.
It’s crucial for parents to recognize and confront these seemingly invisible biases, not only for the sake of their daughters’ futures but for the overall health of our society. So how can we ensure that our biases don’t shape our daughters’ perceptions of their own capabilities? What steps can we take to foster a generation of empowered, resilient girls who can shatter the age-old stereotypes holding them back?
To help us navigate these questions, we’re joined by Dr. Jo-Ann Finklestein, a clinical psychologist whose work has been highlighted in major outlets such as the New York Times and Harvard Business Review. Jo-Ann’s new book, Sexism and Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, is an essential guide for parents striving to combat gender bias in their homes. Armed with her insights, we hope to provide practical strategies for breaking the cycle of unconscious sexism.
Understanding Hidden Biases
Dr. Jo-Ann Finklestein shares her personal experiences of growing up with three brothers where she first encountered gender bias. A simple gift like a pink hockey stick became a symbol of ingrained stereotypes. These early experiences shaped her understanding of gender norms, which she later explored academically at Harvard. Jo-Ann’s journey helped her understand how pervasive these biases are and how they subtly, yet adversely, affect girls from an early age.
Jo-Ann explains how societal expectations shape our perceptions of boys and girls differently. Citing fascinating research, she reveals that parents often underestimate their daughters’ abilities from infancy. These biases, even when unintentional, lead to a lifelong impact on girls' self-esteem and confidence.
Redefining Feminine Traits
Jo-Ann discusses why traditional "feminine" traits are undervalued and how parents can help their children appreciate these qualities. She underscores the importance of valuing emotional intelligence, empathy, and cooperation just as much as traditionally "masculine" traits like assertiveness and competitiveness. By changing our perspective on these traits, we can help our daughters develop a more rounded and fulfilling sense of self.
Shifting Relationship Narratives
One pivotal aspect of Jo-Ann’s book is how cultural narratives around romance and relationships often place girls in passive roles. She argues that this dynamic not only stunts emotional growth but also impacts future adult relationships. Jo-Ann encourages parents to teach both their daughters and sons the importance of mutual respect and shared responsibility in romantic relationships.
Discussing practical case studies, Jo-Ann provides insight into helping girls maintain their agency and assertiveness, even within a dating context. She emphasizes the need for open communication about love being an action, rather than just a feeling.
Handling Appearance and Objectification
Jo-Ann tackles the complex issue of appearance and self-objectification. She discusses the importance of helping girls understand that their value is not determined by their looks. By focusing on what their bodies can do rather than how they look, parents can nurture their daughters' body confidence. She offers actionable advice on dealing with comments about appearance and encourages parents to emphasize their daughters' abilities and intelligence.
Navigating Anger and Emotional Expression
One of the recurring themes in Jo-Ann’s book is anger and its suppression in girls. She explains how societal norms discourage girls from expressing anger, leading to internalized pain and health problems. Jo-Ann shares stories from her practice to illustrate how repressed anger manifests physically and emotionally. She provides tips on teaching girls to express their anger healthily, encouraging them to stand up for themselves without feeling shame.
In the Episode…
Jo-Ann and I delve into a rich array of topics that will help parents better understand and support their daughters. Some of the key themes we discuss include:
How to empower girls while combating unconscious gender biasesThe impact of everyday sexism from early childhood through the teenage yearsPractical steps for fostering assertiveness and self-confidence in girlsStrategies for teaching boys to respect boundaries and view girls as equalsThe hidden dangers of self-objectification and how to counteract themWe also touch on topics like preparing girls for unfair societal scrutiny, teaching financial literacy equally to boys and girls, and the complexities surrounding modern-day relationship dynamics.
This episode is packed with insights and practical strategies from Jo-Ann’s vast experience and research, making it essential listening for any parent looking to raise empowered, resilient daughters. Don’t forget to subscribe, and we’ll see you next week.
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Eli Harwood, author of Raising Securely Attached Kids, dives into connection-focused parenting, exploring how parents can maintain strong bonds with teens, even as they become more independent.
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Full Show Notes
Parenting teens can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s also a time fraught with challenges and rapid changes. Just when you think you’ve got a strong connection, everything can start spiraling out of control seemingly overnight. Emotional outbursts can replace casual conversations, and mutual understanding can feel like a distant memory. So, how can parents keep their relationship with their teens strong and resilient during these tumultuous years?
One key to maintaining this bond lies in understanding the science of attachment, a concept that is critical not just during infancy but throughout childhood and adolescence. Teens are transitioning, sharing more attachment needs with peers, and carving out their own identities. How can parents navigate this landscape without losing their pivotal role in their children's lives?
To unravel these questions, we turn to expert Eli Harwood, a therapist, writer, and the force behind the online community Attachment Nerd. Eli is the author of Raising Securely Attached Kids, a must-read for parents eager to foster secure bonds with their children. Eli brings her own experience of overcoming an insecure attachment and turning it into a lifelong mission to help other families.
The Science of Teen Attachment
Eli enlightens us about attachment, the instinctive drive we all have to form close relationships. While young children rely mostly on their parents for attachment needs, teenagers start to transfer these needs to friends and romantic partners. This shift can be emotionally taxing for parents as they feel their central role diminishing. However, Eli reassures us that while teens seek independence, the parental bond remains crucial, especially in moments of high distress.
Mastering Emotional Regulation
The teenage years are a roller coaster of emotions, and as Eli explains, parents must be the grounded, stable force. She emphasizes the necessity of responding to teenagers' changing emotional landscapes with maturity and empathy. Eli offers strategies for parents to practice emotional management, which involves recognizing and naming emotions accurately—a skill termed as alexithymia when absent. By modeling and encouraging a rich emotional vocabulary, parents can significantly improve their teens' ability to navigate their own feelings and form healthy relationships.
Consulting, Not Controlling
Eli introduces the concept of parents becoming "consultants" rather than controllers. Teens are more likely to seek advice and support from parents who respond maturely to their growing independence. It's important for parents to calm their fearful, possessive instincts and reposition themselves as sources of wisdom and encouragement. When teens trust that their parents are secure in their roles and non-threatening, they are more likely to maintain open lines of communication.
Addressing Problematic Behaviors
When it comes to problematic behaviors such as lying or substance use, Eli advises a balanced approach of boundaries without punishment. Drawing a clear line between setting boundaries for safety and punitive measures, she champions an approach based on empathy, understanding, and mature dialogue. Eli’s emphasis here is on understanding the underlying emotional turmoil causing such behaviors and addressing that rather than solely focusing on behavioral correction.
Fostering Gratitude and Empathy
Another important aspect Eli discusses is the practice of empathy math—giving empathy to elicit empathy. She tackles the common parental concern of their teens being ungrateful or selfish, explaining that these traits are a normal part of the developmental stage. Instead of expecting gratitude, parents should model it. Showing appreciation for the little moments can inspire teens to mirror this behavior.
In the Episode…
Eli's insights bring a refreshing perspective on readjusting our parenting strategies for the teen years. Her advice is practical, compassionate, and grounded in psychological research. Tune in for a deeper dive into:
Recognizing and responding to catastrophic thinkingThe importance of body language and mirroring emotionsAdvocating for connection before correctionHandling life transitions and significant changes in teensFor more tips from Eli Harwood, visit her website attachmentnerd.com, or follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. Thank you for listening! Don’t forget to share and subscribe for more insights on parenting teens.
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Michelle Jurkiewicz and Diane Ehrensaft, co-authors of Gender Explained, join us to dismantle common misconceptions about transgender and non-binary youth, address the impact of misinformation, and highlight the importance of thoughtful, gender-affirming care.
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Full Show Notes
In today's digital age, the flood of information—both accurate and misleading—about gender can be overwhelming for parents. Understanding the real science and nuanced truths behind gender diversity is essential, not just for parents of transgender or non-binary teens, but for any families navigating the complex landscape of modern gender identity. Misinformation can exacerbate anxieties, perpetuate harmful stereotypes, and hinder the emotional and psychological development of our teenagers.
Regardless of whether your child is cisgender or part of the LGBTQ+ community, becoming well-informed about gender identity issues is crucial. Misconceptions can lead to unintended harm, fostering environments where biases and myths thrive. Ensuring we respond with understanding and backed by research can make a world of difference in how our children perceive themselves and their place in society.
To shed light on these issues, we're joined by Dr. Michelle Jurkiewicz and Dr. Diane Ehrensaft—co-authors of the new book, Gender Explained. Diane is the co-founder and director of mental health at the Child and Adolescent Gender Center at UCSF, an esteemed expert with numerous publications on gender. Michelle is a clinical psychologist and gender specialist in Berkeley, California. Together, they bring a wealth of knowledge about gender identity and equity, highlighting how gender-affirming care can profoundly impact mental health positively.
Addressing Misconceptions
One of the most harmful pieces of misinformation is the belief that gender-affirming care lacks a scientific basis and is merely politically driven. Michelle and Diane emphasize that gender-affirming care is indeed evidence-based and involves a diligent, thoughtful process, contrary to the notion of rubber-stamping treatment requests. They also point out that contrary to some accusations, gender diversity is innate and cannot be instilled by external influences or by medical professionals.
Another issue they tackle is the myth that a transgender identity in children is just a phase or that it is contagious. Michelle highlights the essential point that gender, much like other aspects of identity, manifests uniquely in each individual, and invalidating these identities can have damaging effects on young people.
The Importance of Proper Care
Diane passionately debunks the "rubber stamping" myth—instead explaining that gender-affirming care is a collaborative effort involving mental health professionals, endocrinologists, parents, and the children themselves. This multifaceted approach ensures decisions are made carefully, supporting the child's well-being at every step. She also introduces the concept of "social gender dysphoria," which acknowledges that external societal pressures often exacerbate the discomfort felt by gender-diverse youth.
Particularly insightful is how they address the emotional journey parents may face, including moments of grief or confusion. Understanding that gender identity is about honoring children's dreams and realities—rather than the expectations we may have—is pivotal in fostering a healthy family dynamic.
Handling Emotional Responses
Our discussions also delve into how to manage personal discomfort as a parent when confronted with non-conforming gender expressions. Diane offers personal anecdotes illustrating how initial discomfort can transform into acceptance and understanding over time, emphasizing the role of love in this process. Michelle adds practical advice on slowing down and reflecting on our gut reactions, encouraging compassion and self-awareness as tools for overcoming bias.
Furthermore, Michelle explains the necessity of sports participation for transgender youth in fostering mental health, community, and personal development. Excluding children from sports teams, she warns, can have detrimental impacts on their well-being.
The Broader Picture
The book also tackles broader societal issues, such as rapid-onset gender dysphoria (a concept Michelle thoroughly discredits), the impact of restrictive legislation on transgender youth, and the importance of creating inclusive environments. By redefining misunderstood concepts and emphasizing evidence-based research, Diane and Michelle aim to replace fear and misinformation with understanding and support.
By the episode’s end, it becomes clear that thoughtful, gender-affirming care benefits children profoundly, reaffirming their identities and promoting healthier, happier lives. Michelle and Diane continuously advocate for gender literacy, reminding parents of the continual evolution of gender understanding, underlined by humanity and empathy.
In the Episode…
Want to dive deeper into these critical issues? Here’s what else you’ll find in our enlightening conversation:
The psychological impact of sports inclusion for transgender youthHow to navigate rapid-onset gender dysphoria accusationsThe role of patience and understanding in affirming your child’s identityAddressing the balance between parental authority and adolescent independencePractical advice on handling name changes and social transitionsDon’t miss this episode for expert insights and compassionate advice. Listen in to be part of a conversation that promotes equality and understanding for all youth. Remember to share, subscribe, and join us next week for more insights on parenting teens!
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Lindsey Cormack, author of How to Raise a Citizen, joins us to discuss the importance of teaching teens about civics and political engagement, and provides actionable strategies for parents to help their kids become informed and empowered citizens.
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Full Show Notes
In today's hyper-polarized world, talking about politics can seem more like navigating a minefield than having a meaningful conversation. As parents, we often shy away from these discussions to avoid conflict. However, if we want to raise teens who understand their power as citizens and feel confident engaging with political issues, it's imperative that we find ways to bring these topics into our homes.
Our guest today, Lindsey Cormack, is here to help us do just that. Lindsey is a professor of political science who has conducted extensive research on how civics is taught across the United States. She's the author of the new book, How to Raise a Citizen and Why It's Up to You to Do It. Lindsey shares her wealth of knowledge on the subject, revealing why so many young people are left in the dark about our political system and what we can do about it.
Lindsey's research shows that civics education in schools is often inconsistent and inadequate, with a general trend of decreasing emphasis over time. With many students only receiving a brief overview in their senior year of high school and varying state delivery methods, it’s no wonder teens feel unprepared. Additionally, political conversations in classrooms have become fraught, with teachers fearing backlash from parents over anything perceived as too political.
But politics doesn't have to be controversial or divisive. Lindsey suggests that instead of relying on schools, parents can take an active role in encouraging their kids to engage with politics. This can be as simple as having regular conversations about current events, exploring the importance of local government, and recognizing the impact of political decisions on their daily lives. Lindsay recommends starting by discussing things your kids are already noticing in your community and taking these observations to your local representatives.
Understanding and Experiencing Government
The episode delves into the disconnect between what is taught in schools and the political engagement colleges look for in applicants. Lindsey emphasizes that parents can bridge this gap by teaching their teens about the levels of government and how each impacts their community directly.
To demystify government for our kids, Lindsey suggests getting involved in local community boards or even setting up meetings with local officials. Through real-world experiences, teens can learn about civic engagement and understand the role they play in shaping their community.
Action Civics: Learning by Doing
Lindsey argues for the importance of "action civics"–projects where teens identify issues in their communities, research solutions, and learn the process of effecting change. This hands-on approach to civics can help kids see themselves as participants rather than spectators in the political process. From advocating for school policy changes to organizing clean-up projects, these activities empower students and teach them valuable skills.
Cultivating Healthy Political Dialogue
In an era where political conversation often means confrontation, Lindsey offers practical advice for parents on how to facilitate respectful and productive political discussions at home. She provides a framework with specific questions to guide these conversations in a non-combative manner, seeking to understand rather than to win an argument.
Lindsey also notes the value of petitioning and discusses how even younger teens can organize and influence their schools and neighborhoods with petitions on issues they care about.
In the Episode...
My conversation with Lindsey was incredibly insightful. Beyond the main topics discussed above, we also dive into:
Why teaching to the test has squeezed out civics education.The importance of understanding federalism and different levels of government.Practical steps parents can take to introduce their teens to active citizenship.Why reviewing sample ballots before elections can empower first-time voters.Strategies to help teens have respectful political debates and discussions.If you enjoyed listening, you can find more from Lindsey at howtoraiseacitizen.com, lindseycormack.com, or on Instagram @howtoraiseacitizen. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!
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If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!
Welcome to Episode 300! For this week’s episode, we’re sharing some of our clips from our favorite episodes. This is material previously reserved for members, but we liked it so much we want to share it with everyone.
Thank you to all our listeners for sticking with us over the past six-plus years! We are grateful for your support and look forward to the next hundred episodes!!
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Patricia Roos, author of Surviving Alex, explores the complexities of addiction, advocating for a shift from punitive measures to a public health approach and sharing deeply personal insights from her son's battle with substance use disorder and eventual overdose.
If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!
Full Show Notes
Addiction is a complex and often misunderstood issue, frequently discussed in simplified terms that do little justice to those who struggle with it and their families. Many hold onto unhelpful myths about addiction, focusing on perceived moral failings or simplistic disease models. But what if these views miss the broader picture? What if we could better understand the root causes and contexts surrounding addiction, ultimately providing more effective support and interventions?
In this episode, we delve into the intricate dynamics of substance use and addiction, highlighting not just drug addiction but also related behaviors like anorexia, bulimia, and self-harm. We uncover how these issues are often deeply intertwined with individual psychology and broader societal factors.
Our guest today is Patricia Roos, Professor Emerita of Sociology at Rutgers University and author of Surviving Alex: A Mother's Story of Love Loss and Addiction. Patricia’s personal connection to this issue, through her son's battle with substance use disorder and his eventual overdose, lends a poignant and compelling perspective to her scholarly insights.
Understanding Addiction Beyond MythsPatricia argues that prevailing models of addiction—the moral model and the disease model—fail to capture the full scope of this issue. She points out that a purely individualistic approach overlooks the critical role of societal and contextual factors. Instead, she proposes a more nuanced understanding that considers how context shapes individual choices. This shift in perspective opens up new avenues for addressing addiction in more empathetic and effective ways.
The Hidden Battles With Anxiety and ControlIn recounting her son Alex's journey, Patricia reveals how his struggles began in adolescence with anorexia and later evolved into substance use. She emphasizes that these behaviors were coping mechanisms for underlying anxiety and a relentless drive for perfection—a theme that resonates with many adolescents today. Patricia offers insights into how parents might spot early warning signs of such struggles, encouraging a compassionate and proactive approach.
The Role of Treatment and Societal StigmaPatricia sheds light on the stigmas associated with addiction within the medical community and the criminal justice system. She shares her advocacy for a paradigm shift towards treating addiction as a public health issue rather than a criminal offense. This change, she argues, could reduce the damaging impact of stigma and open up more supportive and effective treatment options.
Patient Trafficking and the Rehab SystemIn a particularly eye-opening segment, Patricia discusses the concept of patient trafficking within rehab systems, especially in areas like Florida. She describes how some rehab centers exploit patients for financial gain, pushing them into cycles of relapse and readmission without providing genuine support. This exploitation exemplifies the need for systemic change in how we handle addiction treatment, ensuring it is truly geared towards recovery.
In the Episode...- How societal stigma and punitive measures exacerbate addiction.
- The connection between early anxiety, mental health issues, and later substance use.
- The need for a public health approach to replace the current criminal justice focus.
- The shady practices of patient trafficking within the rehab system and the importance of ethical treatment options.
Join us for a compelling discussion that seeks to unravel the complexities of addiction and offers a call to action for more compassionate and effective responses. Listen now to understand the broader contexts of addiction, equip yourself with knowledge to support your teen, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insightful episodes.Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok
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