Episodes
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In this season finale: a special guest, flies as pets, a productivity hack with hanging anvils and how to catch Kristen Bell. Flies, crows and sloths battle for the final place on the ark. Elliot, Joe and Saf plan how to have 500 children. Same old nonsense. See you next season!
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This episode: the new ark does drinking games, Joe shares wisdoms on pee consistency and Elliot readies arson charges. Also: the camel that shot its owner. Just cos'.
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Missing episodes?
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This week on Ark the musical, we invent leech porn. What a climax.
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This episode: anti-rabbit lighthouses, why you might marry a dead person, and how crows are really the McDonalds mafia. Joe goes on record advocating for adultery and Elliot reveals a cunning plan to explode crow's heads with a murder mystery. Bidding for the film rights will start at £5 million.
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In this episode: Joe gets burgled and Elliot names an STD after himself for SEO. Also: how many legs can a crab lose before it's no longer a crab? This and other age-old questions will not be answered.
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The show that will get Elliot cancelled. The darkest ep. to date. Where Joe admits the animal he's defending is a despicable serial rapist. Nuff said.
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Introducing the all new ark spin-off show, Films We Haven't Watched. Talking about movies we couldn't be arsed to see. With cameos from penis swords, walking zebra murals and awkward pauses... ... ... ... ... ... ... lots of awkward pauses ... ... ... ... ... ... also flies. Enjoy!
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This week, Joe's being haunted and Elliot's high as a kite. But it's Tony the trouser-ripping tiger in the spotlight. You know that dude's over 70 years old and still creeping into kiddies' homes on cereal packets; definitely not giving off any paedophile vibes. 3, 2, 1, clap. Bye!
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Joe thinks owls are dead boring. Elliot spent a month in France saving their asses. But whoever said fight for what you believe in didn't while away his finite time before the grave recording drunken ramblings about space arks and raining cats. That's a fact.
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They're the mortal enemy of sharks, bees, elephants, Godzilla and Elliot. But special guest Leanna's determined to get them a space on the moth-ership.
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They don't have eyes, ears, noses, brains, hearts or anuses. What do they have? A Welshman who self-identifies as a kettle to defend them. Good luck jellyfish.
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In this 10-year-old's wet dream of an episode, we talk about poo smells, sex screams and sliding down poles. You know, the usual Tuesday evening deal. Joe reveals intimate insights about his bowel movements. You don't wanna know.
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Snails. They're like slugs with houses. Or seahorses after 15 minutes in the blender. Or sloths if you're Joe. So come ye come ye and hear us two spineless suckers moping about dishing the dirt on these garden heroes. With all the energy of a snail. Seriously.
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This episode: tardigrades, the tiny little indestructible micro-bears with eight legs and a vacuum cleaner bag body. Why tardigrades? You asked for them. Nerd. Now see these superpowered microbes torn to shreds before your very eyes. Except it's a podcast so you won't actually see anything. Just imagine.
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You asked, we answered! Rattling off your audience requests to kick off TNA series 2, we're taking sharks to town. Which sharks can walk? Which die if they stop swimming? What idiot would put them on board an itty bitty space ship they're flying? That last one's Joe by the way. But please, please listen anyway :)
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Earth hasn't exploded (yet) so we're back! Well... Elliot is. Saf got eaten by fungi and in his place it's Welshman Joe being overly nice to bastard animals. First on the chopping block: rhinos. [Boo hiss!] In this ep, Elliot tries to break Joe and almost succeeds, extracting the choice phrase: "Life is shit." Fun times!
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The royal rumble rematch: closing out The New Ark series 1 in style with a three-way showdown between frogs, snakes and fungi. Can we break the podcast by letting a non-animal on board? Yes we can!! Our first 'happy' ending for the show and plenty of pizza-based discussion. Series 2 coming this September to a device near you!
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Is Black Panther any good? What the f*** is a panther anyways? In the series' penultimate episode, we take a jackhammer to jaguars' reputation and reveal why God mucked up with camouflage. Do jaguars deserve a spot on the ark? Head to @newarkhives to leave your vote...
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Saf's chance to take his revenge on cats being left for the coming apocalypse. Elliot's chance to rant about annoying ads and murderous nymphomaniacs. Who's in favour of the pet meerkat and nearly won one with their car insurance? Listen in to find out. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote: meerkats, good or bastards.
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This episode, Darwin and God team up to help worms worm their way on board. Elliot resorts to Star Wars' giant sandworms and the Mongolian death worm. And we discover the miracle of the transient anus. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote whether earthworms deserve a ticket to Earth 2.0.
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