Episodes
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We’ve covered so many different themes within domestic abuse and family trauma, and shown how important it is we speak about it with inclusivity. It’s a pattern of behaviour to gain control over another. It is sadly far more common than we care to admit and still very much seen as a bit too close to home and uncomfortable to talk about because frankly it’s to do with family and personal relationships it’s embroiled in the confusion of what we believe is a loved one or someone that is supposed to take care of us, causing the harm.
There is so much more to delve into but I hope it’s shown why opening up this forum is essential for our community and for our children. Breaking the cycle is the only way the future generations will look back and ask ‘what was domestic abuse?’ - and to break the cycle it’s all about education.
The final incredible individual I’d like to introduce you too is Shana. She spent her young life in domestic abuse as the day to day norm and then right through adulthood until just 2 years ago. It’s far more than the abuse that happened to her though that kept her in it, it was the fact she was never taught to understand what it actually was or the fact that her being a victim of it wasn’t something that was wrong with her and she had to be a certain way because of this but something that happened to her.
Thank you Shana for sharing your story with us.
Joining us is Vishali Ravalia and Aaron Hill, both senior project workers at The Phoenix Project, a Barnardo's initiative that works directly with children and young people to minimise the impact of conflict on their emotional health and well-being. The project takes a restorative approach to build stronger family relationships. And moves away from the traditional labels of victim and perpetrator.
If you can relate to anything we've talked about please know that people understand and can support you through.
Please check out www.barnardos.org.uk
napac.org.uk - who have some very helpful resources for adult survivors of child abuse of any form.
And www.safelives.org.uk who have a wealth of resources to find the right help for you.
You can also contact me via twitter or instagram
Thank you for listening.
Undiscussable is supported by the Audio Content Fund and backed by TalkRadio. -
This episode is very close to my own heart, voices that so often go unheard in the conversation around domestic abuse but actually in society as a whole are children. Which is ironic given how much money and resources are spent picking up the pieces of childhood trauma as adults, never mind children’s lives that are lost and debilitated due to the lack of prioritization of early intervention and prevention. It’s very easy for us to demonise a young person’s behaviour instead of looking beyond what they are having to deal with in their young lives.
I could sit all evening telling you about what being brought up in fear on a day to day basis does to somebody, but also not being taught to love or be loved, and it is mixed up in a confusion of love and abuse, this person's my parent they’re supposed to protect me, love me… but I wanted you to hear from both the perspective of an adult survivor in his 30’s who didn’t receive support as a young boy and a young girl who’s currently being supported by the Opening Closed Doors Project in Gwent, Wales.
Thank you to Dave and Carys for having the courage to share their stories with us.
Joining us for this episode is Erin Jobb, Barnardo’s Northern Ireland Children’s Services Manager and has been working as a social worker with children and families for over 20 years in relation to child protection.
If this is something that affects or has affected you. Please know that you can heal and the fact that you’ve survived all this means you are incredibly strong and brave. If you’re an adult that suffered as a child, please check out NAPAC.org.uk they have some fantastic resources online to help with emotional support and a support line. If you’re worried about a child please check out Barnardo’s.org.uk.
You can also contact me via twitter or instagram
Thank you for listening.
Undiscussable is supported by the Audio Content Fund and backed by TalkRadio. -
Missing episodes?
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In the last episode of Undiscussable, we looked at male victims of domestic abuse, with, the perpetrator being a woman. This week we’re going to look the experience in a same-sex relationship and the LGBT+ community. Just a note that I’m using the term LGBT+ but it’s also important to keep in mind this isn’t a generalisation and the identities and needs of people are unique. Domestic abuse being thought of as gendered by nature dominates the conversation and often is framed in a heterosexual relationship, and that victims are all straight women.
Something we’ve been addressing through this series but I would like to highlight is that partner abuse is a systematic pattern of behaviours where one person attempts to exert power and control over the thoughts, beliefs, and/or actions of their partner, someone they are dating or have/had an intimate relationship with.
LGBT+ victims of domestic abuse are twice as likely to have experienced abuse by a family member in childhood.
This is what happened to Gavin, who we hear from in this episode. He had a childhood of abuse and neglect, and then as a young man was sexually exploited multiple times.
Domestic abuse also happens in lesbian relationships. Jessica has bravely shared her story with us, she is no longer with her abusive partner but still fears her and had to move to a completely new area to escape her.
Guests
Duncan Craig OBE and CEO of Survivors Manchester
Amy manager of the National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline
Thank you to Gavin and Jessica. And Duncan and Amy.
If there’s anything you can relate to please contact Galop, they welcome anyone from the LGBT+ community and the national LGBT domestic abuse helpline is 0800 999 5428 and email: [email protected] And the national domestic abuse helpline ran by Refuge is 08082000247 and please contact mankind.org.uk for male victims. Survivors Manchester.org.uk - Duncan Craig’s organisation.
Please do check out The I Am … Project survey iamproject.org if you feel able to take part, it focuses on intimate partner relationships within the LGBTQ+ community. Supported by SafeLives, Stonewall, UK Black Pride and The British LGBT Awards, to identify the prevalence of domestic abuse across the LGBTQ+ community.
Thank you for listening.
Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 6:30 pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
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In our very first episode of this series we featured, Ollie, who had escaped his abusive relationship at the beginning of lockdown, he lost his job and his home.
He really struggled not only with the years of trauma and isolation he'd suffered but identifying what he'd gone through, as domestic abuse, a common theme we are seeing throughout this, male or female.
This week we're going to focus on experiencing domestic abuse as a man by a female perpetrator. A narrative that is often dismissed and seen as controversial.
Robert, a former military police officer shares his story with us not only about what he went through in domestic abuse but what happened to him when he called for help.
More men are coming forward but aren't actively included in the discussion on a political or societal level and as a symptom of this aren't taken seriously.
Statistics show that a third of domestic abuse victims are men and three times more likely than women not to tell anyone.
GUESTS:
Mark Brooks, Chair of the ManKind Initiative
Luke, a survivor of domestic abuse
Deborah Powney, PhD Psychology Candidate specialising in male and female victims of intimate partner violence.
Help and Support:
https://www.mankind.org.uk/
CALL 01823 334244
Confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence
Weekdays 10am to 4pm
Women’s Aid live chat is on the Women's Aid website. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic abuse helpline 08082000247
Samaritans 116123
Call 999 if in immediate danger
Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 6:30pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
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Religious traditions can be used as a weapon by an abuser to justify their abusive behaviours, and exert power and manipulate their victim.
Anything can be used as a behaviour in domestic abuse, career, finances, blame, children, sex, faith...inculding cultural and religious beliefs.
Abeera tells us her story of how her dedication to her Islamic faith was used to emotionally abuse and control her.
Guests:
breaks down misconceptions of Islamic faith and tells of how important it is we educate the community.
AbdulWahid Stephenson
Founder of Madinah College
Researcher and lecturer, also does mediation and pre-marriage coaching.
Ruth StearnsSafe & Together Institute and survivor of religious abuse.
https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/about-us/staff-faculty/ruth-stearns/
Help and Support:
https://www.mankind.org.uk/
CALL 01823 334244
Confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence
Weekdays 10am to 4pm
Women’s Aid live chat is on the Women's Aid website. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic abuse helpline 08082000247
Samaritans 116123
Call 999 if in immediate danger
Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 6:30pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
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The general perception of domestic abuse and it's reality can be far removed. The picture of a black eye and it only involving two adults in a relationship can often mean it's overlooked, excused and unrelatable.
This episode looks at breaking some of those myths down and shows how damaging it is that the current Domestic Abuse Bill doesn't include children and young people.
We hear from Paulette, who has lived in domestic abuse from being a young girl to becoming a mother herself and look at sexual abuse in a domestic context.
Please note this audio comes with a trigger warning and refers to sexual abuse.
With thanks to Gwen Bleasdale CEO of The Liberty Centre and Naomi Donald pioneer of SafeLives and Founder of PODS (Protect Our Daughters and Sons) and Paulette for sharing her journey with us.
Help and Support:
https://www.mankind.org.uk/
CALL 01823 334244
Confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence
Weekdays 10am to 4pm
Women’s Aid live chat is on the Women's Aid website. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic abuse helpline 08082000247
Samaritans 116123
Call 999 if in immediate danger
Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 6:30pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
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We often talk about domestic abuse in the context of why doesn’t the person just leave or think that once the person has left everything is fine. But what about when there’s a child involved? The child still sees their abusive parent because that’s what the current court system does no matter the harm on the child.
With thanks to Superintendent Clive Beatty from the Fermanagh and Omagh Policing District, Michelle Alonso from Fermanagh Womens Aid, and Jan James, Chief Executive & founder of Good Egg Safety.
Help and Support:
https://www.mankind.org.uk/
CALL 01823 334244
Confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence
Weekdays 10am to 4pm
Women’s Aid live chat is on the Women's Aid website. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic abuse helpline 08082000247
Samaritans 116123
Call 999 if in immediate danger
Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 6:30pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
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We hear from a survivor who left during lockdown and the expert support available.
With thanks to Michelle from Women’s Aid and Mark Grimes from The Liberty Centre
Help and Support:
https://www.mankind.org.uk/
CALL 01823 334244
Confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence
Weekdays 10am to 4pm
Women’s Aid live chat is on the Women's Aid website. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic abuse helpline 08082000247
Samaritans 116123
Call 999 if in immediate danger
Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 6:30pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
We will still continue as a podcast and bring you all the shows from TalkRadio on Sundays and continue to share survivor stories. If you would like to get in touch with us confidentially please drop us a note at [email protected] or through my website charliewebster.com - Thank you for continuing to come along this important journey with us!
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Undiscussable has been backed by the Audio Content Fund for a special 8 part series with national radio station TalkRadio in the UK. It is on every Friday during drivetime at 630pm featuring interviews with survivors from across society and includes live discussion and expert support.
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In our last episode, you met Ian, now I’d like to introduce you to 29-year-old Jess. I wanted for this new season to share with you some encouraging and inspirational survivor voices, Jess’ story unfolds in a way you most certainly won’t expect and how her life took several unexpected turns and again just this year when she was scrolling through Facebook. I think it will also help you understand if your own memories sometimes trigger a physical reaction and anxiety out of nowhere by something that to the outside world seems perfectly safe and normal.
Undiscussable is an independent production. Hosted and produced by me Charlie Webster with production and editorial support by Tanya Hudson.
Thanks to Jess for sharing her story and the NSPCC, their helpline if you are worried about a child or need advice is 0808 800 5000 dialling from the UK or you can email them [email protected].
Please head to www.charliewebster.com/undiscussable for more details, help and support and please share - please if you’d like too, drop us a note at [email protected]
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For this new season we thought we’d introduce you to some encouraging and inspirational survivor voices, we really believe that sharing stories can make such a difference to a person’s life, sometimes hearing ourselves in some way in somebody else can help us feel less alone in what we are facing, and help us see a new perspective and way to move forward….
His name is Ian and he’s now 51 years old.
Undiscussable is an independent production. Hosted and produced by me Charlie Webster with production and editorial support by Tanya Hudson. Thanks to Ian for sharing his story.
Please head to www.charliewebster.com/undiscussable for more details, help and support and please share - please if you’d like to drop us a note at [email protected]
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Sadly children are still not recognised as direct victims of domestic abuse in legislation or even in public address.
The Home Secretary Priti Patel for England and Wales this week said "SO WHERE A VICTIM AND THEIR CHILDREN..." The language used shows only the adult recognised as a victim, the children merely an afterthought.
So we wanted to give you a look behind the frontline to challenge this.
We speak with Joanne McDonnell from the NSPCC.
For advice and support, please reach out to the NSPCC on their helpline 0808 800 5000.
Thanks for listening and we look forward to introducing you to our survivor stories.
Undiscussable is an independent production. Hosted and produced by me Charlie Webster with production and editorial support by Tanya Hudson. Thanks to Joanne McDonell from the NSPCC for sharing.
Please head to www.charliewebster.com/undiscussable for more details, help and support and please share.
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Not everyone's home is a safe space and with lockdowns all around the world due to the coronavirus there is an alarming pattern happening - domestic abuse is rising - all over the globe. Charlie is joined by experts to give help and guidance to all victims, survivors and the general public in this time when we all need to be looking out for each other.
Our expert panel:
Samantha Billingham SODA Survivors of Domestic Abuse
Natalie Page The Court Said
John Sutherland Former Chief superintendent Metropolitan Police
Emma James Barnardo's
Suzanne Jacob OBE SafeLives
Tanya Hudson Child Survivor
Domestic abuse is sadly COMMON. Globally, almost half of all gay and bi men, 1 in 3 women, 1 in 4 lesbian and bi women, 1 in 5 children and 1 in 6 men. In the UK more than 1 child in every street is in an unsafe and neglectful home and in the US more than 4 children die from child abuse and neglect on a daily basis. The UN Secretary-General’s Study on Violence Against Children conservatively estimates that 275 million children worldwide are exposed to violence in the home. These are only the numbers that we know of. Just like COVID-19 not everyone is being tested to be included in the data.
Please get in contact with us on email [email protected] - we are going to share stories, give expert advice and coping mechanisms for victims and survivors of domestic abuse and people struggling with their mental health. We would love you to send us a voice note, if you feel safe too, share with us what you are going through or ask a question, we would like to be able to use your note in our recording but only with your permission. We will also do a select amount of Skype sessions and bring experts on board - we will record this so that it can help others but again only with your permission - and we can also hide or change names. PLEASE NOTE WE WILL NOT USE ANYTHING PUBLICLY WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. Do get in touch, send your voicenotes, questions you’d like answered and if you would like us to Skype you the address again [email protected] or through my contact form on charliewebster.com - we will do our best to get back to everyone that contacts us.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to Samantha Billingham awareness4all.uk and Natalie Page [email protected] and the SAFELIVES resource safelives.org.uk to help support you through this time.
Undiscussable is an independent production. Hosted and produced by me Charlie Webster with production and editorial support by Tanya Hudson - and a big thank you to our panel of experts, Sam, Natalie, John, Emma and Suzanne. Please head to www.charliewebster.com/undiscussable for more details, support and please share so we can help as many people as possible and raise much needed awareness!
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I know things are overwhelming at the moment and there is so much uncertainty… staying in our homes can mean being made even more vulnerable as well. Limiting social contact is also so tough on our mental health, so it's really important we find ways to still have connection. We have been thinking at Undiscussable of how we can help... we want you to know that you aren’t alone although this time may feel very lonely.
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We find out what happened when Charlie's mum did leave. In an incredibly honest, inspiring and emotive conversation, we hear how healing from domestic abuse is taking place between Charlie and her mum, the effect both on parent and child, and the forgiveness between them.
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Charlie and her mum discuss in an intimate mother-daughter conversation how her Mum left, and how leaving domestic abuse is far more complicated than it may seem. It breaks down many misconceptions surrounding domestic abuse which Charlie believes kept her own family in it. Throughout the episode, it explores red flags, common behaviours and looks at how victims can leave.
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Charlie takes you to meet the Police Lead on Domestic Abuse to question the current approach and attitude toward domestic abuse. Charlie questions why there is no mandatory training for the police on domestic abuse? Isn’t domestic abuse one of our biggest problems? It’s linked to suicide, ill mental health, alcoholism, homelessness, gangs, youth crime and harmful behaviours, cycles of abuse. The domestic abuse bill falls and becomes an empty promise.
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Two victims of domestic abuse including rape in their relationship takes us inside their unshared journey with the police and CPS. How hard is it to get a case of domestic abuse prosecuted? Can the police, police, domestic abuse? Is the prevelance of male suicide linked to domestic abuse?
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We are part of a heartfelt conversation between a mother and son and unpick the behaviours of domestic abuse and its cyclical nature. Does the system provide a breeding ground for domestic abuse? We take you to see Charlie’s clinical psychologist to find out why childhood underlies a domestic abuse relationship and why it’s so complex.
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Charlie’s story unravels and we become privy to an intimate conversation between her and her mum. It starts to become clear why she decided to take us on this emotional journey and for the first time we meet Tanya who has been helping her with Undiscussable. We take you to see Charlie’s clinical psychologist.
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