Episodios
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âBe persistent, but skillful.â - Wise and simple words from this weekâs episode on broaching the subject of couples counseling with a hesitant or resistant partner. Clients often ask Figs this important question when initially reaching out. With their signature humor, honesty, and insight, Teale and Figs together provide actionable and realistic ways to gently work with reluctant partners.
The three important âsalesâ tips highlighted:
Donât try and sell your partner on the idea of going through a big process. Just get yes to one session! Donât buy it back. Find someone your partner will resonate with. Match personalities. Itâs important to feel safe in the room.There are many false notions about therapy and reservations about seeking out help in our society. âHelpâ can even be a really tough and triggering word for some people. Teale even admits using going to therapy as a âthreat.â She goes on to explain that couples in conflict are experiencing an âus problemâ not a âyou vs meâ problem. She empathizes that people might even get scared or feel shameful at the idea of seeing a therapist. This is totally normal.
Tune in this week hear about the record Figs is most proud of to date!! (Hint: it might involve sweating bullets) and the three things to pay attention to in a fight. And a final caution for listeners: No couples therapy is better than bad couples therapy!
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Figs returns with his third installment of the âWho Are You in Love Seriesâ. This time, he is joined by couple âBen and Jenâ and their 4 week old baby in arms. Together they vulnerably open up to the deep and important questions about love.
âIs there a moment that stands out for you when you felt really connected and in love?â
Figs reminds all of us that each one of those moments is a âstrengthening and increasing of togethernessâ and that âeven the best relationships have moments of disconnection.â
In love, Figs urges his listeners and guests to try to understand the realities of whatâs happening deep down inside of us, instead of trying not to hurt each otherâs feelings. Because when it comes to love, weâre still little babies. And we have to recognize that little child in all of us.
âWho Are You in Loveâ is a recurring interview series in the Empathi with Figs podcast that features a variety of real people sharing their stories of love, conflict, and repair. With humor, compassion and authenticity, Figs and his guests dive deeply together into the struggles and joys of navigating relationship and conflict all while highlighting our universal need for love and connection. If youâd like to be interviewed, or have someone you think would be great for the show please email Figs.
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Figs and Teale are 10 days past their due date, anxiously awaiting the home birth of their second child, Kian. Together they share their vulnerabilities and experiences during this time while also waiting for their favorite San Francisco Friday night treat- Ramen!
As couples therapists, they recognize that during times of stress or conflict, people in relationship have to trust the process. Figs often reminds himself and clients alike that âyou can relax now because youâre held by a process.â Of course this is always easier said than done. Teale admits: âI wish I was immersed in the trust the process sauna.â
This short, impromptu podcast filmed on the San Francisco sidewalk is full of honesty, humor and openness. Listen for important reminders of connection, Figsâ Irish accent, and find out what sexy time at 41 weeks looks like for the loving couple.
Stay tuned for next weekâs episodes where Figs and Teale will both share their birthing story.
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Todayâs episode highlights the important and final pre-birth check in with Figs and his pregnant wife Teale. As a follow up to their first pre-birth episode (released 5/23/2017), the two sit down together one last time to share and understand each otherâs most vulnerable, lovable parts related to this important event. This time, Figs is in the hot seat answering the questions!
What are the feelings and thoughts that come up for you (around labor and birth)? What is it that you can do for yourself? What can I as your partner do for you to be there for you?Remember, these questions can be used in any major relationship issue or event.
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âIn short, love is an emotional bond. Itâs not optional; itâs part of our biology,â affirms Figs in todayâs episode about Attachment Styles. Have you ever thought about how weâre âuselessâ when weâre born? We canât do anything for ourselves. Our ability to be emotionally bonded is an essential evolutionary solution to our need for relationship and connection for survival from our first day to our last. Our body is built to react if it seems like the person weâre bonded with is not available - Donât fight your biology!
Usually people try to pathologize and find whatâs wrong with themselves, or their partner in relationship. But the whole point is to learn how to love yourself...and to love your partner as you are. âYou make sense. Your partner make sense. And all the people around you make sense.â
Figs explains one can divide most wounding in love into two sides of the same coin:
Ability to feel abandoned Ability to feel rejectedIf you didnât have the ability to feel these two things, there would be something wrong!
He also covers the different emotional bonding styles which are a direct result of our biology. Ultimately, weâre all yearning for and deserve a âyummy, scrumptious, snuggly securely attached connection.â
Curious to learn who you are in love? Check out Figsâ free relationship quiz at Empathi.com.
And remember: donât use this information to beat yourself up! Listen and enjoy to find out what Figs means when he describes his own relationship with Teale as the âDueling Geminisâ and his thoughts on the phrase âhappy wife, happy life.â
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âShame really biologically is this momentary message that you have to stop paying attention to what youâre paying attention to.â - Fiachra âFigsâ OâSullivan
Portland based naturopathic doctor, Ben Reebs, joins Figs as the second guest in the âWho Are you in Loveâ series. As a fellow healer, Ben helps his patients restore their bodies, awakening them to the âinnate healing mechanism that we all have.â
In this episode, Ben shares his most vulnerable moments and mistakes in love, from the âtrail of wreckageâ behind him, to the âbeautiful skyâ that awaits ahead. The conversion runs deep, acknowledging the dark and light of intimacy in all relationships.
Figs asks a couple of key questions that are worth exploring in your own relationship:
âIs there an image or place that captures love for you?â âDo you have a sense of your go-to judgements in relationship?âBen answers with an honesty and authenticity that all listeners can relate to and encourages everyone to share by admitting that âexpressing vulnerability inspires.â
Reminder from Figs: No one said it would be easy to be someoneâs primary attachment figure. So have some empathy for yourself.
Curious to learn more about Who You are in Love? Take the free quiz at Empathi.com. Everyone needs help and guidance. In Figâs words, âempathi.com is my attempt to get that out there to everybody not just people that are willing to access psychotherapy.â Access to help is our birthright and should not be âlimited by location or money or stigma.â
âWho Are You in Loveâ is a recurring interview series in the Empathi with Figs podcast that features a variety of real people sharing their stories of love, conflict, and repair. With humor, compassion and authenticity, Figs and his guests dive deeply together into the struggles and joys of navigating relationship and conflict all while highlighting our universal need for love and connection. If youâd like to be interviewed, or have someone you think would be great for the show please email Figs.
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Figs sits down with his pregnant wife, Teale (due in 3-5 weeks!) and together they share a special, intimate chat to prepare for the birth of their second child, Kian!
Figs asks Teale three questions. These can be applied to any major relationship debate, thought, fear, or issue:
What are your longings fears, thoughts, excitements? What can you do to support yourself if any of the fears or thoughts that are difficult come up? What can I do to support you?The task is: Can you take 30 minutes with your partner, take turns and answer these questions and really listen to each other?
Just as Teale experienced in her emotional and beautiful sharing, you might notice that your vulnerable parts show up. Take this as an opportunity to really show some empathy for yourself and your partner. Figs provides an important reminder: that everybody has an outrageous place, where they donât feel so loveable. So give yourself permission to have impulses and reactions and recognize the resource you have inside and outside yourself. Together these places are you and your partner's medicine. Maybe you too can discover your partner as a resource you can turn to when you are most in need of support.
Check out Figâs article, A Fatherâs Grace, which he wrote about the experience of the birth of their daughter, Grace.
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Today, Figs goes back to the basics and answers the question what is love?
Certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (a clinical approach founded by Dr. Sue Johnson), Figs shares the Attachment Theory perspective on this big question. Love is an emotional bond that we all need. Simply put, we are biologically wired for connection. Figs also references John Bowlby the father of attachment theory to emphasize this very important fact: âWhen it comes to love, youâre still a baby and your partner is still a baby because this need for emotional bonding with a primary other is a âcradle to the graveâ experience.â Figs kindly cautions us from confusing the idea of being childlike in love with being childish. âDonât use the information to judge yourself or your partner.â Fighting in relationships is really just protest behavior against feeling disconnected from the one we love. Parking tickets, sex, moneyâŠ.these arenât the real problems in relationship. We fight because our connection matters.
Find out who you are in love by taking the free Empathi quiz. -
Relationships are hard work -- love and connection matters so much that you are guaranteed to have conflict in your relationship. In this episode of Empathi with Figs, psychotherapist and couples counselor, Figs OâSullivan invites Teale, his wife and fellow therapist, to discuss their daily conflict triggers and walk you through why the magic in relationships lies in the repair of these everyday moments of disconnection.
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Relationship expert and couples therapist Figs O'Sullivan gives husbands and wives a resource to feel more connected in their marriage on Empathi with Figs. No matter how strong we are, when it comes to love there is a part of all of us that can feel rejected or ashamed. Figs teaches you how you can be the one you've been waiting for.
