Episodios
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Lance talks about today's pop and country music and why it sucks.
He opines it's a filtering issue. There's just no filter on what flushes down the internet stream.
There used to be record companies and radio and TV programmers standing guard. Though, all of them must have been asleep at the switch with Disco Duck, Muskrat Love, et al. Et al. is a legal term - Google it!
If anyone, and he means anyone, can record at home, and dump their cough, cough, "craft" onto the net there's no one to say, Hell no. Not on my watch or with my ears. I.e. no filter
Enjoy a not in stereo semi-rant.
Maybe, Lance needs a filter, too.
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Lance teases about clickbait, air-headed celebrity endorsements, how sex sells- well, duh- and why he keeps getting click bait on Meta- which he still calls Face Book- about a photo of side boob of some model he's never heard of nor cares about.
Are jingles superior sales tools compared to celeb endorsements? Is Lance permanently programmed by soda jingles from his childhood? What about a celeb who just happened to wear an article of clothing or jewelry and suddenly fans are crazed to get it?
Lance also uses words you just don't don't hear. But that's just who he is.
Have you been baited?
Click on the episode and feel your funny bone teased with another rip-roaring, celebrity endorsed, fun AF, episode. (I'm the alleged "celebrity).
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Lance talks about employment interviews. He begins by telling us about work he did as a kid and for which he didn't apply. This work is known as, "chores." With marketing know-how, Lance suggests a new name for chores: "Blessings." "Hey, son, I've a few blessings for you to give the family. You may start by cleaning the toilet."
Moving in to job interviews- often these days via Zoom- he describes the process, beginning with recruiters. You might think military recruiters are slithery sorts. That is, until you're under world-wide attack from headhunters who saw your resume or Curriculum Vitae- if you're being fancy- you innocently posted on a job site.
From overseas recruiters with unpronounceable names- that sound like hacking an spitting- to phony friendly, commission seeking, self servers, he's encountered them all.
And then, there are the interviewers. There's plenty to say about them.
Enjoy the episode. It won't be a chore.
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Lance builds a better mousetrap thinking that'll lead to great success. It's what he heard during his growin' up years.
Did building a better mousetrap help him get ahead in a government job? Hah, no. What about when he built a better one for private employers? PFFFHAHAHA, norious.
Where did Lance go wrong? Has he learned a lesson? What are the meanings of megalomaniacal and vainglorious and how do they apply to his episode?
Take a listen to find out their meanings and much more.
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Lance describes how his plans for not just a little, but a lot, of "somthin' somethin" turned into nothin' nothin over a four day weekend.
There was always some darned excuse: too tired from the week, too bloated and gassy after that outrageously expensive dinner, drank too much, again, and the, "Let's just watch one more Hallmark movie and I'll be ready, which leads to watching yet another Hallmark Movie, and another, until coma.
Lance learns the valuable lesson, real romance is free. If someone really wants you, you don't have to spend money or put on a costly production.
True love and a little somethin' somethin' should be exactly like the ending of a Hallmark Movie. Right?
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Lance talks about New Years. He tells us NYE means different things depending on your age. One thing that wasn't different for decades was Dick Clark on the tele and watching "The Ball" drop." What if the ball suddenly dropped way too fast and smashed at the bottom into tiny crystal pieces? Now that would be a harbinger worse than voting for Trump! Speaking of which he tells his take on meeting a woman at an L.A. NYE party. First thing out her mouth would likely be, "You didn't vote for Trump, did you!?"
He tells an inspirational story of true love which involved two strangers at NYW party in the 50's and lasted and lasted a la, "Some Enchanted Evening.
He talks about his feelings for NYE 2019 and how 2020 was going to be the best ever, ever!
There's more, of course, but you'll just have to take a listen.
Warmest wishes to each of you for a happy, healthy, 2023 and for always!
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Lance discusses Christmas versus Hanukkah.
At Sunday school he was told he must learn to think for himself. Except, when it came to religion, which is, as everyone knows, from "on high," and cannot be questioned.
He tells us about the history of Hanukkah, the eight (8) day, "Festival of Lights," and how the Jews were, on the ushe, being killed, there religion cancelled, and temples destroyed. Talk about cancel culture.
He then reveals why, even though he was raised Jewish, he connects much better with Christmas. There are beautiful trees, stockings hung on mantels, tasty treats, more artful stained glass, and tuney songs.
Whereas, Hanukkah he got seemingly jipped, present wise, while enduring songs which are mostly intonations of hacking and spiting. Plus the food and treats no as good, and no pretty trees with twinkeling lights.. Though, he feels sorry for the trees. What did a nice, healthy, tree, minding its own business, ever do to deserve a chopping?
Lance ponders what happened to the farcical lamp/menorah. Where is it? Was it accidently sold at a Roman swap meet? Did Judah, "The Hammer" Maccabee forget to scratch his name on it and "If found, please return to "The Hammer?"
There's more of course. I'll leave that to your listening pleasure.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a happy Festivus for the rest of us!
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With nine days before Christmas, Lance starts thinking about Christmas adult beverages.
This gets him thinking about adult beverages, in general. He's a nauseous, no on, "The Nog," and not a connoisseur of wines- reds taste like Dr. Pepper, grapes, and alcohol, while, whites only taste like just grapes and alcohol.
He reflects on his college days, "Great Drinking Contest" and how he put into action a prank involving Tequila and Lavoris mouthwash.
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He reveals, he does not have an addictive personality- except possibly for Whoppers- and what would happen should he engage in a malted milk ball eating contest with Oprah Winfrey.
Here's an episode you can drink to. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition.
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Lance talks about Uber-- Uber annoying people (person) he got stuck behind at a booth selling luxury cookies at a local street fair.
He gets triggered by a woman holding others up at his favorite cookie stand by asking one stupid question after another. She wastes everybody's time and then she doesn't buy anything.
Haven't we all all encountered these people from time to time?
Serenity now-- and a cookie later!
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And a 5,6,7,8-- Strippers: Not just a stocking for your stuffer.
No doubt, countless guys, and some gals, have fantasized about being with, or living with a stripper. Lance shares his experiences, living with, and dating strippers. That's right plural! And the high school trophy for studliness goes to SmartyPantsLance!
Strippers, exotic dancers, or just plain "dancers"- no not the kind on Broadway- have a certain rep. But Lance tells us they're real people, too. Who knew!
Lance asks who's smarter: the dancer or the customer. There is an obvious answer.
From his gameplaying, "dancer" housemate to a college student trying to make life better for herself, Lance doesn't have to take a poll on the subject; He knows from experience. There's even a strategy for those who want to meet and date a dancer. Yeah, good luck with that.
So sit back and relax. There's no cover charge or two drink minimum for this episode. Though, Lance would appreciate a generous tip in the form of your telling your friends to a listen.
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Lance says no thanks to the family Thanksgiving get together.
The travel, the expense, the lousy customer service, the no so "world-famous" dishes, the annoyingly secretive and braggadocious relatives are all not worth it He ponders why he should put up with all the preceding just to spend time with people he doesn't see or speak with all year long.
Lance compares Turkey versus ham, versus Vegan, people. Vegans are automatically out. They'd be thankful to not have anyone enjoy animal products. Instead, how about a nice slice of highly processed disgusting Tofurkey. Turkey people are traditionalists who take pride in preparing a tasty bird. Ham people are lazy. They' rather stand in or on line to let someone else do the cooking and cut down on cleaning.
Yams aren't usually yams. "Yam" is just a marketing gimmick. Cranberries are always good, but don't talk about how they help urinary tract infections at the table.
Now, be grateful for, and enjoy, another fine episode, and don't be a turkey!
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Smarty Pants Lance takes you into the kitchen to share some of how movie are made. Ol' Smarty is from the south, don't ya know, and he comes a callin' to see where a co-worker is at.
His scene features a petite albino and her giant raven-haired sister. Why didn't he just call ahead?
Lance shares a famous Orson Welles, quote, "A poet needs a pen, a painter a brush, a director an army. Yes a director does need an army and you hear examples, why.
So, pop a brew, and kick off your shoes. "Set" uh spell on the cement porch, as Lance describes his seven line scene which took half a work day to shoot. Please pass the popcorn.
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Smarty Pants Lance holds a stethoscope up to Medical Assistants ("MA"). Since they've no brains, he didn't expect a pulse.
There are three kinds of medical assistants: dumb, dumber, and dumbest. Becoming , Lance gets the dumbest.
Becoming a medical assistant is easy. It's perfect for those who want to qualify for something just by taking an online course.
Lance rants. He describes medical assistants are 20-30 year-old women in the Los Angeles area who are stupid, lazy, and just plain, don't care. He says they've a collective intelligence below that of a wacky, waving, arm flailing, inflatable, tube-man. Even, DMV employees look down up on them.
Lance describes a particular encounter at a doctor's office. The encounter includes a medical assistant taking his blood pressure, seeing it's completely normal- even low normal- and immediately asking him if he has high blood pressure.
When asked about surgeries throughout his lifetime, Lance has some fun by telling the genius medical assistant his first surgery was a bris when he was six days old. It was performed by a Mohle in a relative's living room 1965. The MA cannot comprehend what Lance describes. Check out his detailed description of her questions and his answers.
President Clinton chimes in at the end. He tells Lance, "I feel your pain!"
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Smarty Pants Lance was and is a licensed attorney at law in California. A large part of his legal practice was criminal defense. Beaver Clever sez: No foolin'!
In this episode, Lance describes quirky courtroom antics, the difference between infractions, misdemeanors, and felonies, police prostitution sting operations, and his opinion that it's a true crime not to show, Mel Brooks's classic movie, "Blazing Saddles." An honorable mention goes to another, Mel Brooks classic, "The Producers."
If you're fishing for fun, or how to spot a police decoy, Lance turns in an episode which goes rapidly from plain to penal!
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Smarty Pants Lance, inspired by the Foreigner song, "Feels Like The First Time," questions whether the first time the best time?
Introduced by The Duke himself, John Wayne, Lance tells the tale of his first three times, or attempts which included, among other things, a Pith Helmut a la 1930's-40's jungle movies, a creaking bed, stubbed toes, not one, but two, count 'em, two condoms at the same time, parents on the other side of the wall. three white, toy poodles with anxiety disorders, a gay man's bed in a Roman style bedroom festooned with velvet paintings of leather clad, bare-chested men wearing sunglasses and a mirror on the ceiling, and later, having to wait a whole week due to "God's little gift."
Is Lance full of swamp gas, or did he make it through a jungle of nerves to discover a long sought treasure?
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Smarty Pants Lance takes a look at a person's looks. Do looks matter? Do people look like their pets, cars, environments? What about a person's character? We've all known some "characters" haven't we?
Do better looking people have an easier life? Make more money? As the song says, is everything beautiful in it's own way? What about facial moles? And don't get me started on bad hygiene gross grooming habits, or a woman with a short, angular, "I'm a bitch" haircut..
Is attraction initially all about our caveman DNA programming? Do short men have a chance with women?
There's just so much to take a look at, rather. take a listen to. And despite what your 6th grade language arts teacher told you. today, you may end a sentence with a preposition.
Here's lookin' at you!
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Smarty Pants Lance talks about the comings, goings, and doings of weekends. Is it true that everybody's working for the weekend, as the 80's band, Loverboy proclaimed. Are weekends made for Michelob? Didn't weekends come into existence, first? If so, Michelob was made for weekends; not the other way around.
What about weekend dates? I'm looking for my Friday, or Saturday, steady, as they said in the 50's to early 60's Do you desperately, "swipe right" on tinder or Bumble all week long, hoping for a weekend coffee date?
And what does real Coca Cola in a glass bottle and made with cane sugar have to do with weekends?
Going to see a weekend movie, such as "Titanic." Which happens to be the movie that made me skip all movies for a generation.
Those topics and so much more as Smarty Pants Lance leaves the ol' 9-5 behind, and heads out for another, "wild" weekend.
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Smarty Pants Lance dons his visor and sleeve garter, grabs his adding machine, and totals up the cost in Costco and other discount membership warehouse stores.
Go right on in, have a look around, and find bargains galore! A bargain is something you don't really need, at a price you can't afford to turn down!
Fill up on highly processed food samples while you empty your wallet! Please don't leave until you've spent it all!
Here's a great idea for a date: Meet at the outside food counter and have a slice of pizza pie or n all "beef" dog. Then, go inside and watch a movie on one of the TV's for sale!
There's no discount to Lance's humorous take on membership discount warehouses.
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Smarty Pants Lance talks about flakey people. They're not just on the Westcoast, anymore!
Why are people so darn flakey? It's not a new phenomenon. In the past, Lance has befallen victim by flakes since his high school days.
These days he has a no flake policy. If meeting or getting together, the person agreeing to meet, or get together, must confirm via text 24 hours in advance, or hell no, Lance won't go! If the person meeting Lance is 5 minutes late for any kind of meeting, even Zoom, and doesn't text that they're running late, and a legit reason, therefor, Lance says adios!
No flake is Lance. Here's another Smart Pants Lance episode delivered on time and as promised!
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In this, change-of-pace, episode, Smarty Pants Lance waxes sentimentally about his long ago and dearly departed rescue- a Husky mix- he named, Amanda or "Mander T. Commander."
Was it fate or coincidence that brought then together? Lance prefers to believe it was fate. You decide. The correct answer is fate!
A "shaggy dog story" of two who needed each other. For those who worry about rescuing a dog, please keep in mind, she was a very good girl!
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