Episodit
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At long last, follow your fearless crew down into the depths of our nitre-covered bone dungeon for a taste of something delightful! The Cask of Amontillado is one of ol' EAP's most famous short stories, and boy does it have something for everyone.
Rachel attempts to lure Jackie to her doom using rare Kermits. Bekah can't imagine having beef with Fortunato, who is a silly little guy we all love. Jackie learns something about cat anatomy courtesy of Hunter, the village idiot.
Topics include: a mysterious gesticulating motion, mercator projections, physical bleeping, the national motto of Scotland, getting buried alive, Hocus Pocus tuberculocus, Freemason secrets, outcrazying a baby, the Cincinnati episode of Catfish, urogenital apertures vs cloacas, the abysmal state of North Carolina's sex education programs, an extraordinarily loud kiss, red blood cell wallpaper, and landing a broken bottle on your penis like a ring toss.
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We're back with the second half of our over-the-top bio of EAP! Listen in for the story of Edgar's adulthood, complete with choleric escapades, omens from outer space, a cringeworthy misplaced accusation of plagiarism, a new love (now 100% child-free!) and a mysterious death followed by a funeral shorter than the song "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott.
Rachel threatens to share a deadly Dorito. Bekah didn't used to eat her vegetables, but she does now. Jackie is terrified she will one day discover Jeffrey Garten has died.
Topics include: Pooh Bear autumn, brat summer/evil lifetime, cute animal art vs. furry art, The Algorithm, relief from life, being in love with nonhuman people, the horror of meeting your celebrity crush, #IceAgeGate updates, having the shits so bad you think two men are trying to kill you, Quarles, a truly Chad move by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, the Bloom family, an incredibly labor-intensive election strategy, and delicious dirt that doesn't even need any seasoning or anything.
Skip the banter: 13:40
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Puuttuva jakso?
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Grab your raven, tuck your buddyâs heart under a floorboard, pour yourself a glass of Amontillado, and join us as we talk about the first half-ish of the life of Edgar Allan Poe, a man who didnât ask to be born. Itâs time to start warming up for spooky season 2025, and what better way than learning about one of Americaâs original Goths?
Jackie goes overboard again, Bekah mixes up professions with nouns in general (concerning for a future dentist), and Rachel makes the only good joke about slavery.
Topics include: the debut of the timer that keeps track of how long it takes Bekah to bring up an animated character, Kung Fu Panda, lovers to enemies to lovers, French Robo-Jacob, Taquitos, Edogawa Ranpo, giving Pop Rocks to Robert E. Lee, surefire money-making tips, horse classes, compliments that would be better if they were different, the lies of Griswold, nurses with Munchausen by proxy syndrome, being just a little bit bowlegged, Grandma Pothead, and a recipe for penne alla gin.
Content warnings: child marriage, slavery, alcoholism, parental death
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(Happy Thursday! Thatâs right, itâs Thursday. Donât check.) Wow! A podcast! Thatâs the feeling you should get from this episode. Yâall⊠those crazy Athenian kids are still stuck in the dang woods. Will Puck, Oberon, and Titania continue messing with the humans and each other? Will Bottom regain his human form? Will the love triangles ever get resolved?! Knowing Shakespeare, the answer is yes, but letâs find out together.
Bekah plugs the mini fridge back in; Jackie does an amazing impression of Diego the saber-toothed tiger; Rachel does some moon math.
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Topics include: No Uggos Chat, mansplaining Ice Age, the Mail Room with Jackie, gleeking upon occasion, classic acting faux pas, awesome-looking babies, Samuel PEPYS, ancient surreal sexism, trickster vs. trickee, and Hash with Hank. -
Weâre back, with Shakespeareâs comedy classic, A Midsummer Nightâs Dream! Basically, four young Athenians with romance problems wander into the woods and get messed with by a bunch of fairies - you know the drill. Itâs a good time, youâll love it. (Fun fact: Jackie once acted in this play! Ten imaginary points if you guess as which character.) Jackie pulls a classic âGene Wilder as Willy Wonkaâ; Rachel is dark and average; Bekah brags about her leviathan-like speed
Topics include: Fakespeare again, the Fatherly Spirit, the Suite Life of Zack & Cody, time travel for fun and profit, infuriating ways to win a womanâs heart, the power of the flower, Hemingwayâs gun, Twister Splash, and Qu*kers.
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This is a preview for our special Patreon bonus in which Rachel, Bekah, and returning guest Jess Owens (@saidbyjess) get together and talk tropes, baby. Which ones win? Which ones lose? Which ones have you never ever heard of before and maybe wish you could forget? We've got the deets.
Join us on patreon.com/firethecanon to access full bonus episodes, get a shoutout, a sticker, and more! Also, follow Jess @saidbyjess on instagram, twitter (X or whatever?) and the like. She's funny!
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Well, well, well! We're back after a long hiatus in the middle of a pretty short book due to vacations of various sorts. For example, Jackie took a vacation to Italy (listen for an amazing story of being a dumb American), AND a vacation from being healthy by immediately getting Covid upon her return! But now we're all healthy and thriving, and Mrs. Dalloway's FTC arc is complete. Like life itself, this episode in turns both gross and beautiful! Tune in to find out if the second half of the book sucks.
NOTE: This episode discusses suicide. See chapters below if you wanna skip that part!
Bekah reveals a very specific requirement she has for storytellers. Rachel murders God. Jackie shares a tidbit of Williamsburg wisdom that no one likes.
Topics include: special vinegar in a special dish, the ultimate state of Zen, a diet of nothing but milk and ice cream, spending years in bed for money, a divisive blue envelope, Petrarch, a snowboarding pickle, how to hide a zit like a pro, Oscar Pistorius, William Faulkner, Hemingway and Fitzgerald's Ye Olde Dick-Measuring Event, IcinGUH, Ada Palmer's recommendations, Walshheads, speaking English like an Italian, Shrek, Butt Stuff, the now-straight Tower of Pisa, Nebuchadnezzar, and Nebuchadlizard.
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Please join us as we read the first half of Virginia Woolfâs modernist masterpiece, Mrs. Dalloway! Taking place on a single day in mid-June 1923, the book takes us in and out of the minds of our two main characters, society housewife Clarissa Dalloway (who is throwing a party), and World War One veteran Septimus Warren Smith (who is having some extremely concerning psychological issues), as well as basically everyone around them. Itâs extremely good! Jackie regrets becoming a slug; Rachel tells a tale of betraying a dear friend at the club (or was it????); Bekah describes her ultimate dental destiny.
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Topics include: Ernest Hemingway, Lord of the Rings, Sylvia Plath and her fig tree, slugging, skincare advice corner, dog psychologists, Tamagotchis, jelly sandals, Monkey Beach, the Big Bean, Belle & Sebastian, Malört, sippinâ on that thang, Mary Karr, catcalling, explicit undertones, Thatâs So Raven, gold-digging advice, Celine Dion, and riches to rags to riches/revenge. -
Join us as we delve into the life of Virginia Woolf, a woman who was many things, chiefly among them a writer! Despite Jackie promising to make this the most depressing author bio episode of all time, Rachel and Bekah refuse to let it happen. There's a lot of laughter, but also some almost-tears, and some hard topics, but it's worth it. Rachel reveals the third, heretofore unknown Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel. Bekah thinks Modernism was a mistake. Jackie horrifies the others with her puppet-like countenance.
Topics include: Firehouse Subs, Jesus, German vermin, big heads vs grape heads, building a time machine to go kill two dudes. breaking down Victorian social norms with a single word, the parable of the Fig Man, inexplicable group chat names, recurring sausage dreams, sister-to-sister matchups, and ceremonial lashings of buttocks.
Content warnings: child abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness, suicide, racism, antisemitism, and about every -ism you can imagine
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Stop! We see your eyeballs getting ready to dart away to something more fun. Dart 'em back here. This is the most fun you'll have hearing about race and racism since... ever, maybe! We know the bar is low, but still. Listen along to the original opening to our first Charlie and the Chocolate Factory episode, which immediately derailed into racial topics thanks to Ol' Roodle Doodle's antics, and then was cut out and made into its own episode.
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Jackie says something the other two consider truly wild, accidentally kicking the whole thing off. Rachel suggests we come up with a new word to describe a racist, because 'racist' has a lot of baggage. Bekah wants you to go get one of two doctors, but there's only one noticeable difference between them and everyone must pretend not to notice it. The ensuing dilemma is fun for the whole family! To hear the whole conversation and support our podcast, sign up to be a patron at Patreon.com/firethecanon. -
The gang finishes out the tale of ol' C-Bucks and the maniacal chocolate man in spectacular fashion - late, but not that late! Thanks for the endless patience of our many adoring fans. We would never turn you into marshmallows, even if that tube DID go to the marshmallow room.
Jackie fucks up her audio, but doesn't know it yet (don't worry, she fixes it in post). Rachel flexes secret first-edition knowledge. Bekah is really good at pogo sticking.
Topics include: dating as a one-inch tall woman, grad school application mistakes, CV tips from Jackie, square treats that look round, High School Musical, cockroach longevity, the rhinoceros at the end of the stampede in Jumanji, Emphysema Salt, wart puns, Oompa Loompa race wars, Everybody Hates Mike Teevee, the horror of Frontier Airlines*, finger-toes, and hiring a starving child to run a global corporation.
*not a sponsor
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Quick! What has 14 legs, one bed, and half a potato? Why, the Bucket family, of course!
Join the gang as we cover the first half of Roodle Doodle's classic, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You all know how the story goes, but you haven't heard it told by us. Rachel doxxes herself. Bekah learns about the Wonka-related scandal of the year. Jackie has never even once thought about smothering grandma Josephine with a pillow.
Topics include: freakish fertility, doppelgÀngers, girlfriends who are worms, boyfriends who have skeletons in them, ontological incorrectness, universally detested children, masseter Botox, cabbage soup, Scotland's Wonka Experience, the Unknown, a secret hoard of one coin, naked cat vibes, backhanded compliment-insults, and issuing rebukes in a flutelike voice.
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She's back! University of Chicago professor, historian, and award-winning novelist Ada Palmer joins Rachel and Jackie for a conversation about the life and times of Niccolo Machiavelli, a fascinating guy who lived through fascinating times. Learn all about how his name gets an undeservedly bad rap, the trials and tribulations that led to the writing of The Prince, and why the Renaissance was a terrible time to live through but which ultimately gave us everything important in the modern world.
Check out www.adapalmer.com for more information on her research, novels, and more!
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Happy March, everyone! For our Patreon bonus, we thought we'd try something new: The Reading Corner! Jackie and Rachel have a friendly chit chat about whatever books we're currently reading. Maybe it will become a recurring feature? It all depends on what you like, and what Jackie likes. It doesn't matter at all what Rachel likes.
For the full episode and all our other bonuses, go to patreon.com/firethecanon and join the fam!
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The patrons battled it out in honor of the upcoming Ides of March, and in the struggle between The Art of War and The Prince, let's just say The Art of War got Caesar'd. It's like getting Punk'd, but instead of meeting Ashton Kutcher you die and get a salad named after you. Win/win? Buckle up as the gang guides you through the world's second most practical guide on waging war and maintaining power.
Rachel says "here's the problem" roughly 80 times. Bekah really wants somebody to be gay. Jackie gets hundreds of sonnets written for her by Mr. Peanut.
Topics include: the woman who rotates sandwiches, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, state cryptids, explanations of Ohio and Germany, terrible audiobook narrators who barely get any votes, a truly toxic doctor, female women, Borgias and Medicis, rice and horses, fear and love, Inigo Montoya, the monstrosity that is a medieval cat, Alexander the Great, a horrifying Kermit, lions and foxes and wolves oh my, and the return of everyone's favorite, Scipio Africanus.
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In preparation for our upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory miniseries, we got the gang together to learn about the absolutely absurd life of Roald Dahl. Best-known for his childrenâs books, Dahl also wrote some very weird, pervy adult stories. Before he became a writer, he worked for an oil company in Africa (yesâŠâŠ we know.), flew warplanes in World War 2, and committed extensive espionage. Curious about the kind of mind that could produce the BFG, Matilda, and James and the Giant Peach? Youâve come to the right place!
Content warnings: sexual assault, child abuse, racism, antisemitism, sexism, etc. We really talk about it all!
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Donât say we never put our stellar reputations on the line for you! Joining us this week is our friend Jacob Waller (find him on YouTube as Big Yellow Praxis), who has recently fallen down the rabbit hole of a (potentially correct???) anti-Stratfordian theory (notably NOT a conspiracy theory). Jacob lays out the case for, conservatively, a HUGE AMOUNT of Shakespeareâs work being borrowed from or straight up written by his contemporary, Sir Thomas North. Many thanks to Dennis McCarthy for his years of research, which is primarily what this episode is drawn from! Please check out his book, 'Thomas North: The Original Author of Shakespeare's Plays', and visit his website, www.sirthomasnorth.com, for a closer look.
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Ahoy for the last time, me hearties! In this episode we cover Moby Dick from chapter 102 until the bitter, watery end. Ishmael finally reveals why Captain Ahab is so obsessed with Moby Dick, we finally discover the fate of pretty much the entire crew of the Pequod, and Moby Dick finally deigns to grace the page.
Jackie does her Bob Dylan impression against our will. Rachel solves a fabulous mystery. Bekah trudges up and down a mountain. Topics include: free range Beastie Boys, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, the wagon of sobriety, Mr. Worldwideâs new look, the absolute best hairstyle for a man, the location of the soul, the Cavity Queen, the most secret Filipino of all, Moomin Quest, and whether you should wash your legs (yes).
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This week, we're sharing part 2 of Jackie and Bekah reading one-star reviews of their favorite books to each other. Jackie comes at Bekah with the harshest criticisms of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice available on Goodreads. To hear the full episode, join our Patreon! Patreon.com/firethecanon.
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This week, we're joined by a very special guest: Nikita! Jackie handpicked her to co-host this episode because Nikita is funny, despite not being a man. We read and discussed the fourth of Charles Dickens' five Christmas Books so you don't have to, and you can go ahead and thank us for that. Rachel's mom tells her she doesn't deserve any presents. Jackie discovers God is real. Nikita informs her husband that under no circumstances is he to continue living after her death.
Topics include: La Femme Nikita, Lucy Liu/Maggie Q, Santa Claus stories, leprechaun disappointment, the worst poop of all time, Da Bean Zone, wifi stories, breakup pet plans, stinkbugs, true sisterly love, interchangeable women, a literal boatload of money, Death Note, the most perfect creature who ever breathed (according to Dickens), arms that don't belong to you, the hot hot elf from The Santa Claus, a gummy mistake, Shake Shack, a 23-year old's eyeballs, and absolutely no ghosts whatsoever.
0:00:00 - 0:28:28 : stories of parental deception re: Santa
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0:28:29 - 1:00:45 : story summary
1:00:46 - 1:19:13 : story discussion/analysis/thoughts
1:19:21 - end : author drama! romance tropes! and a truly deranged story about finding god in an airport with a little help from drugs. - Näytä enemmän
